Out of the FOG - Personality Disorder Information and Support eBook

Top 100 Traits of Personality-Disordered Individuals

Introduction

Every relationship between a Personality-Disordered Individual and a Non Personality-Disordered Individual is as unique as the DNA of the people involved. Nevertheless, there are some common behavior patterns.

The list below contains descriptions of some of the more common traits of people who suffer from personality disorders, as observed by family members and partners. Examples are given of each trait, with descriptions of what it feels like to be caught in the crossfire and some good (and bad) ideas for coping.

Please note that these descriptions are not intended for diagnosis. No one person exhibits all of the traits and the presence of one or more traits is not evidence of a personality disorder. Read our disclaimer for more info.

These descriptions are offered in the hope that non-personality-disordered family members, caregivers & loved-ones might recognize some similarities to their own situation and discover that they are not alone. Click on the links to read more about each trait.

Top 100 Traits & Behaviors of Personality-Disordered Individuals

Abusive Cycle - The Abusive Cycle describes the characteristic rotation between destructive and constructive behavior that typically exists in dysfunctional relationships and dysfunctional families.
Alienation - Alienation means interfering or cutting a person off from relationships with others. This can be done by manipulating the attitudes and behaviors of the victim or of the people with whom they come in contact. The victim's relationships with others may be sabotaged through verbal pressure, threats, diversions, distortion campaigns and systems of rewards and punishments.
"Always" & "Never" Statements - "Always" & "Never" Statements are declarations containing the words "always" or "never". They are commonly used but rarely true.
Anger - People who suffer from personality disorders often feel a sense of unresolved anger and a heightened or exaggerated perception that they have been wronged, invalidated, neglected or abused.
Avoidance - Avoidance is the practice of withdrawing from relationships with other people as a defensive measure to reduce the risk of rejection, accountability, criticism or exposure.
Baiting and Picking Fights - Baiting and Picking Fights is the practice of generating a provocative action or statement for the purpose of obtaining an angry, aggressive or emotional response from another person.
Belittling, Condescending and Patronizing - Belittling, Condescending & Patronizing Speech is a passive aggressive approach to giving someone a verbal put-down while maintaining a facade of friendliness.
Blaming - Blaming is the practice of identifying a person or people responsible for creating a problem, rather than identifying ways of dealing with the problem.
Bullying - Bullying is any systematic action of hurting a person from a position of relative physical, social, economic or emotional strength.
Catastrophizing - Catastrophizing is the habit of automatically assuming a "worst case scenario" and inappropriately characterizing minor or moderate problems or issues as catastrophic events.
Chaos Manufacture - Chaos Manufacture is the practice of unnecessarily creating or maintaining an environment of risk, destruction, confusion or mess.
Cheating - Cheating is sharing a romantic or intimate relationship with somebody when you are already committed to a monogamous relationship with someone else.
Chronic Broken Promises - Repeatedly making and then breaking commitments and promises is a common trait among people who suffer from personality disorders.
Circular Conversations - Circular Conversations are arguments which go on almost endlessly, repeating the same patterns with no real resolution.
Cognitive Dissonance - Cognitive Dissonance is a psychological term for the discomfort that most people feel when they encounter information which contradicts their existing set of beliefs or values. People who suffer from personality disorders often experience cognitive dissonance when they are confronted with evidence that their actions have hurt others or have contradicted their stated morals.
Confirmation Bias - Confirmation Bias is the tendency to pay more attention to things which reinforce your beliefs than to things which contradict them.
"Control-Me" Syndrome - "Control-Me" Syndrome describes a tendency that some people have to foster relationships with people who have a controlling narcissistic, antisocial or "acting-out" nature.
Cruelty To Animals - Acts of Cruelty to Animals have been statistically discovered to occur more often in people who suffer from personality disorders than in the general population.
Denial- Denial is believing or imagining that some factual reality, circumstance, feeling or memory does not exist or did not happen.
Dependency - Dependency is an inappropriate and chronic reliance by an adult individual on another individual for their health, subsistence, decision making or personal and emotional well-being.
Depression - When you feel sadder than you think you should, for longer than you think you should - but still can't seem to break out of it - that's depression. People who suffer from personality disorders are often also diagnosed with depression resulting from mistreatment at the hands of others, low self worth and the results of their own poor choices.
Dissociation- Dissociation, or disassociation, is a psychological term used to describe a mental departure from reality.
Divide and Conquer - Divide and Conquer is a method of gaining and advantage over perceived rivals by manipulating them into conflicts with each other.
Domestic Theft -Domestic theft is consuming or taking control of a resource or asset belonging to (or shared with) a family member, partner or spouse without first obtaining their approval.
Emotional Abuse - Emotional Abuse is any pattern of behavior directed at one individual by another which promotes in them a destructive sense of fear, obligation or guilt (FOG).
Emotional Blackmail - Emotional Blackmail describes the use of a system of threats and punishments on a person by someone close to them in an attempt to control their behaviors.
Engulfment - Engulfment is an unhealthy and overwhelming level of attention and dependency on a spouse, partner or family member, which comes from imagining or believing that one exists only within the context of that relationship.
Entitlement - Entitlement or a 'Sense of Entitlement' is an unrealistic, unmerited or inappropriate expectation of favorable living conditions and favorable treatment at the hands of others.
Escape To Fantasy - Escape to Fantasy is sometimes practiced by people who present a facade to friends, partners and family members. Their true identity and feelings are commonly expressed privately in an alternate fantasy world.
False Accusations - False accusations, distortion campaigns & smear campaigns are patterns of unwarranted or exaggerated criticisms which occur when a personality disordered individual tries to feel better about themselves by putting down someone else - usually a family member, spouse, partner, friend or colleague.
Favoritism - Favoritism is the practice of systematically giving positive, preferential treatment to one child, subordinate or associate among a group of peers.
Fear of Abandonment - Fear of abandonment is a phobia, sometimes exhibited by people with personality disorders, that they are in imminent danger of being rejected, discarded or replaced at the whim of a person who is close to them.
Feelings of Emptiness - Some personality disordered individuals experience a chronic and acute sense of nothingness or emptiness, so that their own existence has little worth or significance outside of the context of strong physical sensations and relationships with others.
Frivolous Litigation and Frivolous Lawsuits - Frivolous Litigation and Frivolous Lawsuits are methods of withholding support, harassing or prolonging conflict by bringing unsubstantiated accusations, meritless appeals or diversionary process into a relationship or a former relationship using the court system as a proxy.
Gaslighting - Gaslighting is the practice of systematically convincing an individual that their understanding of reality is mistaken or false. The term "Gaslighting" is taken from the 1944 MGM movie “Gaslight”.
Harassment - Harassment is any sustained or chronic pattern of unwelcome behavior from one individual to another.
High and Low-Functioning - A High-Functioning Personality-Disordered Individual is one who is able to conceal their dysfunctional behavior in certain public settings and maintain a positive public or professional profile while exposing their negative traits to family members behind closed doors. A Low-Functioning Personality-Disordered Individual is one who is unable to conceal their dysfunctional behavior from public view or maintain a positive public or professional profile.
Hoarding - Hoarding is the practice of accumulating items to an extent that it becomes detrimental to quality of lifestyle, comfort, security or hygiene.
Holiday, Anniversary & Memory Triggers - Mood Swings in personality disordered individuals are often triggered or amplified by emotional events such as family holidays, significant anniversaries and events which trigger emotional memories.
Hoovers & Hoovering - A Hoover is a metaphor, taken from the popular brand of vacuum cleaners, to describe how an abuse victim, trying to assert their own rights by leaving or limiting contact in a dysfunctional relationship gets "sucked back in" when the perpetrator temporarily exhibits improved or desirable behavior.
Hyper Vigilance - Hyper Vigilance is the practice of maintaining an unhealthy level of interest in the behaviors, comments, thoughts and interests of others.
Hysteria - Hysteria is inappropriate over-reaction to bad news or disappointments, which diverts attention away from the problem and towards the person who is having the reaction.
Identity Disturbance - Identity disturbance is a psychological term used to describe a distorted or inconsistent self-view.
Imposed Isolation - Isolation from friends, family and supportive communities is common among victims of abuse. Isolation is sometimes caused by an abusive person who does not want their victim to have close relationships with others who may challenge their behavior. Often, isolation is self-imposed by abuse victims, who out of a sense of shame or guilt, fear the judgment of others.
Impulsiveness and Impulsivity - Impulsiveness - or Impulsivity - is the tendency to act or speak based on current feelings rather than logical reasoning.
Infantilization - Infantilization is the practice of treating a child as if they are much younger than their actual age.
Intimidation - Intimidation is any form of veiled, hidden, indirect or non-verbal threat.
Invalidation - Invalidation is the creation or promotion of an environment which encourages an individual to believe that their thoughts, beliefs, values or physical presence are inferior, flawed, problematic or worthless.
Lack of Conscience - Individuals who suffer from personality disorders are often preoccupied with their own agendas, sometimes to the exclusion of the needs and concerns of others. This is sometimes interpreted by others as a lack of moral conscience.
Lack of Object Constancy - A lack of object constancy is a symptom of some personality disorders. Lack of object constancy is the inability to remember that people or objects are consistent, trustworthy and reliable, especially when they are out of your immediate field of vision. Object constancy is a developmental skill which most children do not develop until 2 or 3 years of age.
Low Self-Esteem - Low Self-Esteem is a common name for a negatively-distorted self-view which is inconsistent with reality. People who have low self-esteem often see themselves as unworthy of being successful in personal and professional settings and in social relationships. They may view their successes and their strengths in a negative light and believe that others see them in the same way. As a result, they may develop an avoidance strategy to protect themselves from criticism.
Manipulation - Manipulation is the practice of baiting an individual or group of individuals into a certain response or reaction pattern for the purpose of achieving a hidden personal goal.
Masking - Masking describes the practice of covering up one's own natural outward appearance, mannerisms and speech in dramatic and inconsistent ways depending on the situation.
Mirroring - Mirroring is a term which describes imitating or copying another person's characteristics, behaviors or traits.
Moments Of Clarity - Moments of Clarity are spontaneous, temporary periods when a person with a personality disorder is able to see beyond their own world view and can, for a brief period, understand, acknowledge, articulate and begin to make amends for their dysfunctional behavior.
Mood Swings - Mood swings are unpredictable, rapid, dramatic emotional cycles which can not be readily explained by changes in external circumstances.
Munchausen's and Munchausen by Proxy Syndrome (MBPS) - Munchausen's Syndrome is a disorder in which an individual repeatedly fakes or exaggerates their own illness or medical symptoms in order to manipulate the attentions of medical professionals or caregivers. Munchausen By Proxy Syndrome (MBPS) is a similar syndrome in which another individual, commonly a child, is substituted for the patient and made the focus of inappropriate medical attention.
Name-Calling - Name-Calling is a form of Verbal Abuse which people sometimes indulge in when their emotional thought processes take control from their rational thought processes.
Narcissism - Narcissism is a term used to describe a set of behaviors characterized by a pattern of grandiosity, self-centered focus, need for admiration, self-serving attitude and a lack of empathy or consideration for others. The name comes from the Greek Mythological Character Narcissus, who rejected love from others and fell in love with his own reflection in the water. These characteristics are common in people who suffer from personality disorders, especially Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).
Neglect - Neglect is a passive form of abuse in which the physical or emotional needs of an individual who is incapable of providing for themselves are disregarded or ignored by the person responsible for them.
Not My Fault Syndrome - Some individuals who suffer from personality disorders, in an attempt to hide their own sense of worthlessness or inadequacy, will go to great lengths not to apologize or take ownership for their own mistakes or actions.
No-Win Scenarios - No-Win Scenarios and Lose-Lose Scenarios are situations commonly created by people who suffer from personality disorders where they present two bad options to someone close to them and pressure them into choosing between the two. This usually leaves the non-personality-disordered person with a "damned if you do and damned if you don't" feeling.
Objectification - Objectification is the practice of treating a person or a group of people like an object.
Obsessive-Compulsive Behavior - Obsessive-Compulsive Behavior is characterized by by an inflexible adherence to arbitrary rules & systems or an illogical affinity to cleanliness and orderly structure.
Panic Attacks - Panic Attacks are short intense episodes of fear or anxiety, often accompanied by physical symptoms, such as shaking, sweats, chills and/or hyperventilating.
Parental Alienation Syndrome - Parental Alienation Syndrome is a term which is used to describe the process by which one parent, who is typically divorced or separated from the other biological parent, uses their influence to make a child believe that the other estranged parent is bad, evil or worthless.
Parentification - Parentification is a form of role reversal, in which a child of a personality-disordered parent is inappropriately given the role of meeting the emotional or physical needs of the parent or of the other children.
Passive-Aggressive Behavior - Passive Aggressive behavior is the expression of negative feelings, resentment, and aggression in an unassertive, passive way (such as through procrastination and stubbornness).
Pathological Lying - Pathological lying is persistent deception to serve one's own interests with little or no regard to the needs and concerns of others. A pathological liar is a person who habitually lies to serve their own needs.
Perfectionism - Perfectionism is the practice of holding oneself or others to an unrealistic, unsustainable or unattainable standard of organization, order or accomplishment in one particular area of living, while sometimes neglecting common standards of organization, order or accomplishment in others.
Physical Abuse - Physical Abuse is any form of voluntary behavior by one individual which promotes pain, disease or discomfort on another or deprives them of necessary health, nutrition and comfort.
Projection - Projection is the act of attributing one's own feelings or traits onto another person and imagining or believing that the other person has those same feelings or traits.
Proxy Recruitment - Proxy Recruitment is a way of controlling or abusing another person by manipulating other people into unwittingly backing you up, speaking for you or "doing your dirty work" for you.
Push-Pull - Push-Pull is a chronic pattern of sabotaging and re-establishing closeness a relationship without appropriate cause or reason.
Raging, Violence and Impulsive Aggression - Raging, Violence and Impulsive Aggression are explosive verbal, physical or emotional elevations of a dispute. Rages threaten the security or safety of another individual and violate their personal boundaries.
Ranking and Comparing - Ranking is the practice of drawing unnecessary and inappropriate comparisons between individuals or groups for the purpose of raising one's own self-esteem or lowering someone else's sense of self-worth relative to a peer group.
Riding The Emotional Elevator - The Emotional Elevator is a way of describing how people who suffer from personality disorders and those closest to them sometimes take a fast track down to different levels of emotional maturity.
Sabotage - Sabotage is the impulsive disruption of a calm or harmonious status quo in a relationship or domestic situation, occasionally perpetrated by those with Personality Disorders, in order to serve a personal interest, to provoke a conflict or to draw attention to themselves.
Scapegoating - Scapegoating is the practice of singling out one child, employee or member of a group of peers for unmerited negative treatment or blame.
Selective Memory and Selective Amnesia - Selective Memory and Selective Amnesia is the use of memory, or a lack of memory, which is selective to the point of reinforcing a bias, belief or desired outcome.
Selective Competence - Selective Competence is the practice of demonstrating different levels of intelligence, resourcefulness, strength or competence depending on the situation or environment.
Self-Aggrandizement - Self-Aggrandizement is a pattern of pompous behavior, boasting, narcissism or competitiveness designed to create an appearance of superiority.
Self-Harm - Self Harm, also known as self-mutilation, self-injury or self-abuse is any form of deliberate, premeditated injury inflicted on oneself, common among adolescents and among people who suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder. Most common forms are cutting and poisoning/overdosing.
Self-Loathing - Self-Loathing is an extreme self-hatred of one's own self, actions or one's ethnic or demographic background.
Self-Victimization - Self-Victimization, or "playing the victim" is the act of casting oneself as a victim in order to control others by soliciting a sympathetic response from them or diverting their attention away from abusive behavior.
Sexual Objectification - Sexual Objectification is the act of viewing another individual in terms of their sexual usefulness or attractiveness rather than pursuing or engaging in a quality of personal relationship with them.
Shaming - The difference between blaming and shaming is that in blaming someone tells you that you did something bad, in shaming someone tells you that you are something bad.
Silent Treatment - The Silent Treatment is a passive aggressive form of emotional abuse in which displeasure, disapproval and contempt is exhibited through nonverbal gestures while maintaining verbal silence.
Situational Ethics - Situational Ethics is a philosophy which promotes the idea that, when dealing with a crisis, the end justifies the means and that a rigid interpretation of rules and laws can be temporarily set aside if a greater good or lesser evil is served by doing so. However, situational ethics can be dangerous when combined with the distorted, crisis-prone thinking of those who suffer from personality disorders.
Sleep Deprivation - Sleep Deprivation is the practice of routinely interrupting, impeding or restricting another person's sleep cycle.
Splitting - Splitting is a psychological term used to describe the practice of thinking about people and situations in extremes and regarding them as completely "good" or "bad".
Stalking - Stalking is any pervasive and unwelcome pattern of pursuing contact with another individual.
Stunted Emotional Growth - Stunted Emotional Growth is a difficulty, reluctance or inability to learn from mistakes, work on self improvement or develop more effective coping strategies.
Targeted Humor, Mocking & Sarcasm - Targeted Humor is any sustained pattern of joking, sarcasm or mockery which is designed to reduce another individual's reputation in their own eyes or in the eyes of others.
Testing - Testing is the practice of repeatedly forcing another individual to demonstrate or prove their love or commitment to the relationship.
Thought Policing - Thought Policing is any process of trying to question, control, or unduly influence another persons thoughts or feelings.
Threats - Threats are written or verbal warnings of intentional, inappropriate, destructive actions or consequences.
Triggering -Triggers are small, insignificant or minor actions, statements or events that produce a dramatic or inappropriate response.
Tunnel Vision - Tunnel Vision is the habit or tendency to only see or focus on a single priority while neglecting or ignoring other important priorities.
Verbal Abuse - Verbal Abuse is any kind of repeated pattern of inappropriate, derogatory or threatening speech directed at one individual by another.

The Abusive Cycle

Definition:

Abusive Cycle - The Abusive Cycle describes the characteristic rotation between destructive and constructive behavior that typically exists in dysfunctional relationships and dysfunctional families.

Description:

As the name suggests, the Abuse Cycle is a repeating pattern where both the perpetrator and the victim of abuse contribute to the conditions which perpetuate the cycle. There are 4 distinct phases in the abusive cycle

Abusive Cycle Diagram

Flashpoint Phase

This is the point where an act of verbal, physical or emotional abuse is inflicted on the victim by the perpetrator. The perpetrator has maximum power in this phase and the victim has minimal power. The emotional energy level in the relationship shoots upward as adrenaline kicks in and both parties adopt the classic "fight or flight" responses.

Retribution Phase

This is the phase immediately following the flashpoint, where the perpetrator stops the offensive behavior and begins to fear the consequences of their actions. The victim typically pulls away emotionally or physically from the perpetrator. The perpetrator often adopts a posture of reaching out or "hoovering" at this time, offering affection, favor, promises of change etc. The victim is at maximum power in this phase and the perpetrator at minimum power. It is common for the victim to take advantage of the moment by rolling out a "Declaration of Independence" - a list of demands and conditions which must be met by the perpetrator in order to be forgiven and allowed back in from the cold. The perpetrator is often only too willing to comply and may even be grateful to be given concrete demands which can serve as reassurance that they have not gone so far that the relationship is over. The emotional energy level in the relationship stays high as the victim stays on high alert and the perpetrator works feverishly on their payback list to clear the debt. The victim's morale may reach a high at this stage as they receive a lot of positive signs from the perpetrator, constructive words and actions and see some of the items on their "list" being addressed.

Reflection Phase

This is the phase when things begin to quiet down, the adrenaline surge is over and the emotional energy begins to drop. The victim becomes less vigilant and the perpetrator less worried about losing the relationship. They both have had a chance to see what life is like under the new "regime" instigated by the victim and ask themselves whether it is working for them. Both parties adopt a more introspective and analytical posture, thinking about where they are, what they want and what they deserve. The perpetrator may begin to feel some resentment over some of the boundaries and conditions placed on them. The victim may also feel some resentment at having to play the role of a prison guard. Morale tends to drop during this time as both parties realize that everything is not going to be perfect.

Regression Phase

This is the phase where both parties drift back towards their initial or default state. They become less analytical about the relationship and turn their energy to more mundane matters such as work, family, paying bills and taking care of everyday responsibilities. Rules from the victim's "Declaration of Independence" tend to erode away as the perpetrator spends less energy on the list and the victim is less vigilant in policing the boundaries. Both parties become increasingly resigned to their default roles in the relationship and distracted away from the events and consequences of the previous flashpoint. Morale begins to lift as a sense of normalcy slowly returns.

Who Are Abusers?

In contrast to the way abusive relationships are portrayed in many popular books, movies and on TV, most real life abusive situations are not so "clear cut". Hollywood abusers are easy to spot. They may sneer or speak with a menacing tone. They may dress in black. They may have an unkempt appearance. They are often portrayed as eccentric. They are typically male and unattractive. Crucially, they are almost exclusively portrayed as consistently nasty, consistently angry and consistently violent or hurtful. It's understandable why screenwriters, who perhaps have an hour or two to develop the characters in a story, don't have the time or an attentive enough audience to portray a supporting character playing the "bad guy" as anything more sophisticated than just that... bad.

Real life isn't like that.

Real-life abusive people come from all walks of life, all religious and ethnic backgrounds, rich and poor, male and female, young and old, tall and short, smart and foolish, attractive and unattractive. But in spite of their diversity they do have some things in common:

Rule #1 Abusers are regular people.

They aren't pure evil. They aren't like the bad guys in the movies. They are regular people. This is occasionally illustrated at the end of a criminal manhunt or after a when a notorious criminal is apprehended, identified and unveiled. Almost invariably, there will be an acquaintance or neighbor who tells a reporter that they seemed like such a regular person - a nice family man who attended the local church - or a mom who helped run the local PTA, etc. Abusive people are hard to spot. Abusive people are just like the person next door because abusive people are the person next door.

Rule #2 Abusers don't abuse everybody.

If they did, they would be easy to spot. They would all be in jail, ostracized by the community or committed to a local psychiatric ward. Real abusers are typically selective in who they mistreat. Abuse victims are typically someone close, who is powerless to retaliate or unwilling to report the abuse. Abusive behaviors are typically kept behind closed doors and restricted to moments when there are no objective witnesses. A person who mistreats you may mistreat only you and may be a model citizen to everybody else.

Rule #3 Abusers don't abuse all the time.

Think about it. If they did, nobody would stay with them for very long. They would all be living alone. Most abusive people don't behave abusively all the time or even most of the time. Real abuse is sporadic, intermittent, occasional, temporary and sustained only for short bursts. It doesn't take much mistreatment to terrorize or demoralize a person for a very long time. It is quite common for an abusive person to behave normally most of the time and even be kind, polite, humble, gracious, generous, devoted or apologetic in periods between and immediately following episodes of mistreatment. This is often how an abusive person draws a victim closer to themselves between outbursts. See our section on Hoovering for more information. It is also common during these periods for an abusive person to want to "rewrite" their own history or try to influence their victim to misrepresent or ignore past events as a way of justifying themselves or dealing with the discomfort they feel over the realities of their dysfunctional behavior. The victim will often play along, grateful for a period of calm, happy to "let sleeping dogs lie" and not wanting to provoke any further outbursts.

Rule #4 Abusers need a victim!

This may seem ridiculously obvious but is often one of the most overlooked characteristics of abuse. Where there is no victim, there can be no abuse. Therefore, effectively putting a stop to abuse has a lot more to do with taking action to protect yourself than it has to do with changing the personality of an abusive person.

Related Personality Disorders

The Abusive Cycle is a common occurrence in relationships involving people who suffer from Antisocial Personality Disorder, Avoidant Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Dependent Personality Disorder, Histrionic Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder, Paranoid Personality Disorder, Schizoid Personality Disorder, Schizotypal Personality Disorder.

Alienation

Definition:

Alienation - Alienation means interfering or cutting a person off from relationships with others. This can be done by manipulating the attitudes and behaviors of the victim or of the people with whom they come in contact. The victim's relationships with others may be sabotaged through verbal pressure, threats, diversions, distortion campaigns and systems of rewards and punishments.

Description:

Alienation may be absolute in that all the victim's relationships are sabotaged equally or it may be targeted towards a particular type of relationship such as social friendships, family relationships, professional relationships, contact with members of a group, club or organization or contact with members of a particular gender, race, social status or religion.

Social relationships outside of the home may be frowned upon by an individual who suffers from a personality disorder. They may try to break the relationship by making up shocking or accusing stories about either the non-personality-disordered (Non-PD) individual - or about the person the Non-PD is trying to befriend. The Non-PD may face consequences or punishments as a result of making or maintaining contact with a person who is not on an "approved" list.

In the case of chosen relationships, partners are often put under pressure to avoid contact with their own siblings, parents or extended family. In the case of unchosen relationships, romantic relationships, partnerships or marriages the Non-PD is involved in may be sabotaged.

Professional relationships outside of the home may also be the focus of alienation attacks by a personality disordered individual.

The most widely reported form of alienation is parental alienation - where a parent tries to sabotage the relationship their child has with the other parent. This is quite common when divorcing someone who has a personality disorder. Click Here for Specific Information about Parental Alienation.

Alienation may be overt or covert.

In overt alienation, the victim knows that the abuser discourages or disapproves of a relationship and may be confronted with threats of consequences or a system of rewards and punishments as an incentive to reduce or break off contact.

In covert alienation, the victim is not aware of the activities of the abuser. The abuser may attempt to subtly manipulate the victims habits or routine to reduce the incidence of contact with another person using diversions. The abuser may also use distortion campaigns or manipulations to divert friends or family away from contact with the victim. The abuser may also recruit proxies or third parties to directly or unwittingly sabotage or compromise a relationship.

Related Personality Disorders

Alienation is a common occurrence in relationships involving people who suffer from Antisocial Personality Disorder, Avoidant Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Dependent Personality Disorder, Histrionic Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder, Paranoid Personality Disorder, Schizoid Personality Disorder, Schizotypal Personality Disorder.

What it Feels Like:

Alienation is a form of emotional abuse. We need social contact to maintain a healthy emotional state as much as our bodies need food and water to maintain a healthy physical state. Depending on our social metabolic rate, we may need a lot or a little of social contact to stay emotionally healthy. If we are socially malnourished, we may begin to exhibit symptoms of depression such as anger, insomnia, loss of appetite, low energy etc.

When somebody inappropriately or chronically denies us access to loved ones, friends and family, they are abusing us. This can be as damaging as being denied physical needs such as sleep and nutrition. If you are an adult and your actions pose no direct threat of physical or emotional harm to others, then no one has the right to control who you can and can't see or where you can and can't go.

When we are malnourished and abused in this way, we are vulnerable to making poor personal choices. We may revert to ineffective behaviors to try to resolve our conflict such as anger, retaliation, begging, bargaining or sneaking around.

If we are subject to chronic alienation, we are prone to progress through the classic 5 stages of grief - anger, denial, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Once we reach acceptance, we are apt to become enablers of the abuse, denying ourselves the very thing we need most to become healthy. We may avoid contact with outsiders, defend our position, avoid scrutiny and avoid situations which threaten to shine a light on our plight. This process is sometimes referred to as Learned Helplessness or Stockholm Syndrome.

Coping with Alienation - What NOT to Do:

Don't believe a person when they tell you that you don't need social contact with other people.
Don't give in to pressure to stop seeing a loved one, family member or friend.
Don't give in to inappropriate pressure to avoid activities with groups that are good for you.
Don't retaliate or try to hit back at a person who is trying to sabotage your relationships.
Don't kid yourself into thinking things will get better with time or that this or that will blow over - this is something you need to confront and fix quickly.
Don't tell yourself that you can handle this on your own. Solitary confinement can easily break the most resolute of spirits.
Don't sneak around or hide your social contact just to avoid conflict. This is something you need to insist on as a bottom-line issue. You need social contact just as much as you need food and water.
Don't tell yourself you have to fix the loved one in your life who suffers from a personality disorder before you can go on with the rest of your life. You can't fix anybody, and you will just frustrate yourself and the other person if you try.
Don't use these guidelines as justification or cover for being a bum or abandoning your commitments and responsibilities. We're not talking about having affairs, quitting your job, abandoning your kids or partying while the rest of your family struggles to make ends meet. If you are so inclined, then your loved ones probably need our support rather than you.

Coping with Alienation - What TO Do:

Get support - talk to a friend or therapist and describe what you are dealing with. Break the silence and get an idea of what other people see and hear and experience.
Talk to the people from whom you are being cut off. This takes courage - but go talk to the people whom you have been told are monsters, or who have been told what a flaky, dysfunctional abusive person you are. Make your own mind up using your own intelligence. Let them do the same. Perhaps they are monsters, but perhaps not. You may be totally surprised by what you learn.
Stand up for what your appropriate needs are. Confront alienation abuse with a calm, yet firm, resolve not to allow one person's dysfunction lead to dysfunction in yourself. "I care about you deeply - but I also care about my own health - and this is something I need to do.
Visit with loved ones and good healthy friends regularly. Go alone if your personality-disordered loved one chooses not to join you. Give yourself permission to break taboos and slay sacred cows if it is a healthy activity or choice.
Celebrate life for as long as you have the health and strength to do so. A person with a personality disorder may be cloaked in a canopy of depression and darkness, but you have a short time when you have health and strength. Carpe Diem - Use it well.

"Always" & "Never" Statements

Definition:

"Always" & "Never" Statements - "Always" & "Never" Statements are declarations containing the words "always" or "never". They are commonly used but rarely true.

Description:

As the self-contradicting adage says: "Always and Never statements are always false and never true."

"Always" & "Never" statements are used particularly frequently among people who suffer from personality disorders as they can fit neatly into the split black and white world of their thinking. They are most often used in accusatory, argumentative or self-pitiful gestures.

Examples:

You never listen to me.
I always give you what you want.
My mother never loved me.
You always have to have the last word.
I never get any attention.
You are always shouting and screaming at the children.

Clearly none of the above statements is true. Yet they are familiar-sounding arguments.

"Always" & "Never" statements are usually rhetorical in nature. People who use them rarely expect to be taken literally. However, it is also the case that they may be being dishonest about the facts while being honest about their feelings.

For example, imagine a person says: "You never listen to me!"

You could respond directly to the statement and reply: "Yes, I do!" You may even venture into hyperbole yourself by claiming to "always" listen to them or that you have have listened to them "millions of times". You may even list all the occasions of listening that you can bring to mind. But you may have missed the real message.

Now, go to the next level and listen to the feeling expressed: "I want to be listened to". Now you have gone beyond the hyperbole and are hearing something honest.

But, you could go one step further and perhaps you will hear: "I'm afraid that you may consider me not worth listening to." Now you are approaching the heart of the matter.

Most of us use "Always" & "Never" statements rhetorically, but we would be well advised to use of them sparingly, lest our own credibility be called into question.

Related Personality Disorders

"Always" & "Never" statements are a common occurrence in relationships involving people who suffer from Avoidant Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Dependent Personality Disorder, Histrionic Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder, Paranoid Personality Disorder, Schizotypal Personality Disorder.

What it feels like:

"Always" & "Never" statements are popular delivery vehicles of FOG - Fear, Obligation and Guilt - in a dysfunctional relationship. They are often transmitted with the intention of:

Putting the recipient in a defensive posture. (Fear)
Making the recipient feel responsible for the problem. (Obligation)
Making the recipient feel sorry for the other person. (Guilt)

"Always" & "Never" statements can leave you feeling invalidated, scrambling to justify your own behavior, unappreciated, disoriented and guilty.

What NOT to do:

If you find yourself on the receiving end of "Always" & "Never" statements:

Don't believe everything that is said in an "Always" & "Never" statement.
It rarely helps to get defensive and start arguing your case. This will probably lead directly to a Circular Conversation. When a person uses "Always" & "Never" statements, they are rarely interested in establishing objective truth. More commonly they are trying to produce an emotional response in the recipient.
Don't reciprocate with "Always" & "Never" statements of your own.

What TO do:

Try to see past the questionable "facts" to understand the feeling that is being communicated.
Objectively weigh the validity of any accusations you receive off-line when you are in a safe place with time to think.
Share your experiences with a trusted confidant or a therapist who can help you to see the gray between the black and the white.
Remove yourself and any children from any conversation which becomes verbally abusive or if a person refuses to stop talking after you have asked them.

Anger

Definition:

Anger - People who suffer from personality disorders often feel a sense of unresolved anger and a heightened or exaggerated perception that they have been wronged, invalidated, neglected or abused.

Description:

Anger is a feeling - and as such it is something which is neither good nor bad - it just is. Feelings are a natural response to circumstances and expectations. You simply feel things - and anger is something you are going to feel if you are subjected to injustice.

You can't easily control how angry you might feel. You can, however, control what you do about your anger - your own behavior.

Anger comes from our primitive "fight or flight" instinct. When we feel angry we have a surge of adrenaline, our heart rate increases and our senses are heightened. We are ready for battle and we may have strength or energy beyond what is normal for us. Our blood is conserved from non essential parts of our bodies and redirected towards the parts of our bodies that are needed for a fight or flight - our muscles, our brain, our senses. We may feel less pain, less guilt, less sensitive. Our digestive system shuts down. Appetite is suppressed, our digestive system expels waste and anything which is not essential to the immediate crisis. We become less analytical and more reactive. We become less stressed and become more pragmatic. We become less depressed and become more decisive. Anger can be good for us - in a crisis.

Anger can become destructive when it is misdirected towards situations or people that aren't responsible for the pain we feel or when we are in situations that don't warrant a fight or flight response. In that kind of situation, the excess energy that comes from the adrenaline rush may trigger violent, aggressive reactions to small annoyances and challenges.

Examples of PD Anger

A father beats his young child when he spills a drink.
A wife accuses her husband of having an affair when he is 15 minutes late coming home.
A teenager punches a hole in a wall after a disagreement with his parent.
A husband frequently jokes in an inappropriate, degrading way about his wife in public. (Also known as Targeted Humor)
A young girl attempts suicide after her mother refuses to buy her a new phone.
An employee spreads a slanderous rumor about a co-worker after she performs well in a task.
A mother threatens to disown her grown daughter because she does not attend a family Christmas dinner.

Related Personality Disorders

Anger is a common occurrence in relationships involving people who suffer from Antisocial Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Dependent Personality Disorder, Histrionic Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder, Paranoid Personality Disorder.

What it Feels Like:

If you are living with a person who is easily angered or who becomes angry in ways that you feel are unjustified, you are likely to feel a combination of fear and anger yourself.

You may be confused and a little frightened by the intensity of their emotions and begin to wonder what you could have done to deserve it. You may try to change your own behavior in an attempt to alleviate the other person's pain. This rarely works.

You may also begin to feel angry yourself at what you feel are unwarranted words and actions. You may find yourself hitting back with your own words and actions.

If you are the target of an angry person you are likely to end up trying to defend yourself.

Avoidance

Avoidance - Avoidance is the practice of withdrawing from relationships with other people as a defensive measure to reduce the risk of rejection, accountability, criticism or exposure.

Examples of Avoidance

A woman leaves the home for a week when her in-laws come for a visit.
A man goes to his bedroom when his wife's friend comes over.
An employee habitually keeps their office door closed.
A woman refuses to attend social gatherings with her husband.
A man begins to shun an acquaintance after they express an interest in developing a closer friendship.
A woman hides her true emotions from others and pushes them away socially, out of a fear of rejection.

Related Personality Disorders

Avoidance is a common occurrence in relationships involving people who suffer from Avoidant Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Dependent Personality Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder, Paranoid Personality Disorder, Schizoid Personality Disorder.

What It Feels Like:

If you are in a relationship with a person who practices avoidance, you may feel frustrated at their irrational behavior. You may feel the pressure to choose between your care for the person who is behaving in an avoidant way and your desire for healthy social interaction. You may begin to resent the pressure to become a hermit with them.

What NOT To Do:

Don't blame yourself for the avoidant behavior and attitudes a loved-one may be showing.
Don't give in to pressure to isolate yourself from healthy relationships which are good for you.
Don't try to thought police the person with the personality disorder.
Don't try to control their behavior - focus on being healthy yourself.

What TO Do:

Learn about Personality Disorders and how that affects the person you care about.
Detach yourself emotionally from any dysfunctional attitudes. You don't have to agree with them and you don't have to fight with them. You can agree to disagree.
Maintain your healthy outside interests, recreational pursuits and supportive relationships.
Get support from people who understand personality disorders.

Baiting and Picking Fights

Definition:

Baiting and Picking Fights - Baiting and Picking Fights is the practice of generating a provocative action or statement for the purpose of obtaining an angry, aggressive or emotional response from another person.

Description:

Why Fight?

It may come as a surprise to some that not everyone wants love, peace and harmony all the time. Just as athletes crave competition and have a tenacious drive to win, so some people seek interpersonal conflict and apply themselves to winning. Identifying and defeating an enemy is sought as a way of feeling better about themselves.

In the same way that a deer is not a willing participant in a contest with a hunter, so not every conflict involves two willing participants. Many interpersonal human conflicts involve one willing participant and one non-willing participant.

Conflicts also arise when one of the parties in a relationship is not satisfied with the status quo. They want a change and have concluded that the most effective way to get what they want is through conflict.

Why use bait? Why not just start a fight directly?

Baiting is a classic military tactic. From historical warriors, like Hannibal and Napoleon to modern day armies, some form of baiting has been used in a great number of successful military campaigns. Typically, the goal is to lure an enemy into attacking a weak-looking force in the front, while a secondary, larger, hidden force flanks the enemy to ambush them from the sides and the rear, where they are more vulnerable. Boxer's and Martial Arts experts also use versions of this kind of maneuver to gain an unexpected advantage.

Baiting is, of course, the standard operating procedure in fishing and hunting. In this case, the lure is something attractive, but the dynamics are the same: fish attacks bait, hook catches fish.

Baiting works the same way in personal conflicts. While you are off-balance defending yourself from a surprise attack in the front, you are being skillfully outmaneuvered by a person who is trying to gain the upper hand.

Examples of Baiting:

Your spouse suddenly, without cause, accuses you of having an affair.
A former spouse sends an email to the children's school accusing you of child neglect.
You arrive home to discover that a family member has deliberately damaged some of your property.
Your boyfriend or girlfriend flirts with another in front of you. On the way home, they claim that you are terrible in bed.

Related Personality Disorders

Baiting is a common occurrence in relationships involving people who suffer from Antisocial Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Paranoid Personality Disorder .

What it feels like:

When we fight, we switch to using some of the lower, more primitive regions of our brain which are geared towards survival and the "fight or flight" responses. Mental resources are drawn away from higher reasoning towards more basic reactionary thoughts. Our adrenaline kicks in and our heart rate and breathing rate increase, in preparation for sudden physical activity. Our bodies and brains change to adapt to the situation. We are no longer thinkers so much as warriors. This transition helps explain why people will often do and say things in times of conflict which they would never do in ordinary circumstances. It also explains why people sometimes regret their actions "in the heat of the moment" later when the situation has passed.

When you are being baited by someone who wants to pick a fight with you, you have reduced control over these instinctive physical and mental responses. You are tuned to react quickly. Your powers of reasoning will be diminished. You will find it harder to assess the risks and rewards of multiple avenues of action. You may feel a surge of anger, thoughts of vengeance, a surge of energy to do - something - fast!

Learning to Cope with Baiting:

Just as you experience a physiological response whenever a conflict arises, so does the person who is provoking you. Consequently, this is not a time when their own sense of reasoning is likely to be particularly high. Because of this, long, thoughtful, deep and meaningful conversations are probably best left for a time when cooler heads prevail.

What NOT to do:

Don't take the bait!
Don't argue with a person or appeal to their sense of reason or logic while they are baiting you. They want a fight!
Don't retaliate and fall into a trap.

What TO do:

Learn to recognize baiting for what it is.
Remember that the bait you can see often has nothing to do with what the other person really wants.
Look around and behind you. See the big picture and decide whether this is a fight that you can win, or that is worth winning.
Remember that what the person is feeling is temporary and they will probably feel different in a few days or a few hours.
If falsely accused, politely, briefly and calmly state the truth ONE TIME ONLY.
End the conversation and exit the room by taking a time-out.
Get support. Describe what has just happened to someone who understands your situation and will help you to come up with a reasoned, effective plan of how to deal with it.

Belittling, Condescending and Patronizing

Definition:

Belittling, Condescending and Patronizing - Belittling, Condescending & Patronizing Speech is a passive aggressive approach to giving someone a verbal put-down while maintaining a facade of friendliness.

Description:

Many people who suffer from personality disorders suffer from low self-esteem and look for ways to feel better. One way that some people try to do that is by putting others down using Belittling, Condescending and Patronizing speech.

Belittling, Condescending and Patronizing speech is a form of passive aggressive attack since it is a put down which is typically veiled in fake friendliness, advice, or words of "wisdom". The attack in this case is given in the form of an offer of help.

The veiled message behind the message is "I am better than you."

By being passive aggressive, the perpetrator often hopes to deliver the attack while maintaining the least risk of provoking retaliation or without being called to account for their behavior.

Examples of Belittling

The following are examples of belittling, condescending & Patronising statements:

"Oh my dear you are looking so much better today."
"This is far too complicated for you to understand. '
"We're all watching your progress and hoping the best for you."
"It's nice that you have found a friend."
"How is your therapy progressing?"
"Aren't we pretty today?'

Related Personality Disorders

Belittling is a common occurrence in relationships involving people who suffer from Antisocial Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Histrionic Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

What it feels like:

Nobody likes to be belittled or talked down to. Being on the receiving end of belittling speech is frustrating, annoying and humiliating.

Learning to Cope with Belittling:

The best approach to dealing with belittling, condescending and patronizing speech is to remove yourself from the source of it. You can't control another person's thoughts or speech, so it's best to focus on the one thing you can control - that's you.

What NOT to do:

Don't stay in the same room with a person who uses verbal put-downs.
Don't believe the lie that they are better than you.
Don't take the bait and enter into an argument about what has been said.

What TO do:

Ask for it to stop.
Explain one time how it makes you feel - "When you said ----- I felt -----"
Exit the conversation.
Quickly, calmly and without drama, leave the room, the house, the company of anyone who subjects you to condescending speech as soon as it is safe to do so.
If appropriate, offer to take up the conversation again when the inappropriate speech is stopped.
Get support and discuss your concerns with someone who cares about you and who understands personality disorders.

Blaming

Definition:

Blaming - Blaming is the practice of identifying a person or people responsible for creating a problem, rather than identifying ways of dealing with the problem.

Description:

People who suffer from personality disorders sometimes experience strong, rapid, inexplicable mood swings. These changes in mood can be hard to rationalize or understand when the person's objective circumstances have not changed significantly.

Since most people don't like to think that their gut feelings may be unreliable or that they themselves may be suffering from a mental disorder, it is not uncommon for people who experience dramatic mood swings to try to pin the blame elsewhere. Sometimes in their search for why they suddenly feel so sad or angry they find a ready-made explanation in the inevitable imperfections of the people closest to them.

This can lead to false accusations, "always" and "never" statements, circular discussions, projection, raging, shaming and splitting.

Sometimes you may face false accusations or dissociation and be blamed for something which isn't real or which never happened or which doesn't exist. It's also fairly common to find yourself getting the blame for something that a person with a personality disorder actually did or said themselves This is known as projection.

Examples of Blaming:

"I only did it because you don't love me"
"If you hadn't done X and Y, I wouldn't have had to do Z"
"This is all your fault".
"You never listen to me, you only care about your friends."

Related Personality Disorders

Blaming is a common occurrence in relationships involving people who suffer from Avoidant Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Histrionic Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

What it feels like:

It's normal to feel hurt and defensive when a person is blaming you and you think you have done nothing wrong. You may fear that they will speak bad about you to others and give you a bad reputation. You may fear that they will begin to punish you for what you are supposed to have done. You may feel trapped and unable to fix the problem. Yet you still feel like you are being held responsible for it.

Learning to Cope with Blaming:

Some mental health professionals promote a technique of validation whenever a non personality-disordered individual (Non-PD) is confronted with an episode of blaming. Validation, when used skillfully, can sometimes help a person who is feeling very badly about themselves reverse course and begin to feel good about themselves. However, validation can only be effective if it is based on truth and given from a position of personal safety.

If a person is intentionally hurting you as a means of making themselves feel better, it is rarely productive to try to absorb the verbal abuseyourself. You are not helping a person with a personality disorder to get better when you allow them to hurt you without taking responsibility for what they are doing. That is an unhealthy form of enabling which exchanges long term security for a short term relief.

Blaming gives personality disordered individuals a mechanism to let off steam but does little to resolve any real problems. The root problem is often the internal negative feelings of the personality disordered individual gthemselves. Furthermore, if the non-personality-disordered person reacts defensively or destructively to the blaming, they may inadvertently turn a blaming episode into a full-blown verbal conflict. Blaming can thus become a self-fulfilling prophecy, leading to chronic verbal conflict inrelationships.

The real problem is that the personality-disordered individual feels bad within themselves. They want to feel better. A discussion or argument about your list of faults is not going to solve it.

What NOT to do:

Don't become defensive and validate a false accusation or projection by arguing about it.
Don't respond by arguing about what the facts are. Blaming is about a person's feelings, not the facts.
Don't argue in front of children.
Don't assume that there is a logical reason for why you are being blamed.
Don't assume that the person really believes what they are saying or always feels that way.
Don't try to fix a person who has a personality disorder yourself. You can't change them by changing yourself.
Don't assume that because their blame is inaccurate, that they are being deliberately manipulative or calculating. They may be so focused on their feelings that they are giving very little attention to their behavior.

What TO do:

Remember that an episode of blaming isn't about you. It's really all about the way the other person feels.
Listen to the feelings rather than the facts being expressed. While the facts may be way-off, the underlying feelings between the lines are often real: "I feel scared", "I feel worthless", "I feel weak" etc.
You can model these "I" statements in your responses if you like, e.g."I feel scared when you say that".
Remember that what the person is feeling is temporary. They will probably feel different in a few days or a few hours.
You can try to redirect the person with the personality disorder to the real issue, so long as you are able to do so without feeling threatened or hurt yourself.
Politely, briefly and calmly state the truth ONE TIME ONLY.
End the conversation by taking a time-out even if the other person doesn't want to.

Bullying

Definition:

Bullying - Bullying is any systematic action of hurting a person from a position of relative physical, social, economic or emotional strength.

Description:

Bullying is most often associated with childhood bullying or schoolyard bullying. However, bullying occurs in all walks of life and at all ages. What makes a behavior bullying is if it is:

systematic or repeating a pattern,
targeted towards an individual who is in a less-powerful position or who can not escape or retaliate without further consequences,
intentionally damaging or threatening towards the person physically, economically, socially or emotionally,
under the control of the person doing it, and
unwelcome to the person on the receiving end.

Examples of Bullying:

Physical - chronic hitting, pushing, slapping.
Verbal - threats, criticism, humiliation or slander.
Sexual - Inappropriate touching, sexual assault and rape.
Intimidation- destroying objects, cruelty to animals or people close to the victim.
Forced servitude - using intimidation to make a person perform inappropriate acts of service under threat of demotion, loss of job or social economic status.
Hazing - tormenting a person under the guise of a joke, rite of passage or other "playful" ritual.
Harassment by proxy - influencing others to act in an unwelcome way, including filing frivolous legal complaints, police reports, medical procedures, domestic abuse complaints, sexual abuse accusations, etc.

Many chronic cases of bullying are maintained by the perpetrator below a level that will get them into trouble. For example, many bullies will back off if the threat of retribution exists. Consequently, secrecy and control of the victim are some of the favorite tools in a bully's toolbox to maintain the status quo.

Bullying is a form of abuse. It is particularly dangerous because it tends to become sustained and do damage over the long term. Shocking or "severe" cases of abuse are often dealt with swiftly through the intervention of law enforcement officials and the mental health community. However, so-called "milder" cases of abuse are sometimes left untreated, unprosecuted, ignored or undiscovered. Left unchallenged, bullying tends to be repeated and/or escalate, especially when there is no negative consequence for the perpetrator. Over time, the victim may be subjected a "death of 1000 cuts".

Related Personality Disorders

Bullying is a common occurrence in relationships involving people who suffer from Antisocial Personality Disorder, Histrionic Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder .

What it feels like:

People who are victims of bullying often stay that way because they feel powerless to do anything about their abuse. Reasons for feeling powerless include:

The victim does not know who they can talk to and be taken seriously.
The victim fears that their situation is not "serious enough" to warrant the concern of others.
The victim is embarrassed to say anything for fear that they will be ridiculed or regarded as "over-reacting".
The victim fears being blamed for the conflict.
The victim desires friendship with the perpetrator and believes that challenging their behavior will create a permanent rift.
The victim fears retribution from the perpetrator if they speak up.
The victim feels that it is the loving or "right thing to do" to "turn the other cheek"and absorb the faults of the bully.
The victim believes that they are partly responsible for the bully's behavior.

Many victims of bullying live with a profound sense of defeat and/or shame and are afraid to break the silencefor fear of what the future may hold. They are often simultaneously afraid of doing something and afraid of doing nothing. They are compelled by their situation to choose between the lesser of two evils: the hardship of speaking up and the hardship of staying silent. There is no easy option. Neither one is attractive.

What NOT to do:

If you are feeling harassed by another person:

Don't blame yourself for the offensive way another person is behaving. You are responsible for your own behavior and your own reactions, not someone else's.
Don't try to convince yourself: "I can handle it", or "I can take it". You are drinking poison. No amount of mental steel will stop you from getting sick.
Don't keep quiet about it. Inevitably, sooner or later, it's all going to come out. It might as well be on your terms, when you have control, with your dignity intact, before more serious damage is done.
Don't retaliate or argue back. This will rarely get you a satisfactory resolution with an abuser. Soliciting a reaction from you may be their original intent.

What TO do:

Politely - but firmly - ask the person exhibiting the unwelcome behavior to stop. Once and once only.
Talk to a friend and have them accompany you while you say it.
Document any unwelcome behaviors accurately and in detail: times, dates, who said/did what.
Report what you have documented to anyone in a position of authority, including police, supervisors, teachers, pastors, parents etc..
Politely and assertively remove yourself (and any innocents) from the presence of a bully in as far as it is within your power to do so. A person can't harass you if you are not there. Depending on your situation that could mean:
- ending a conversation
- leaving a room or a building.
- exiting a relationship
- changing a routine
- getting a restraining order
- calling the police

Catastrophizing

Definition:

Catastrophizing - Catastrophizing is the habit of automatically assuming a "worst case scenario" and inappropriately characterizing minor or moderate problems or issues as catastrophic events.

Description:

Catastrophizing is sometimes referred to as "over-reacting".

There are different motivations a person with a personality disorder may have for catastrophizing:

To draw attention to themselves,
To draw attention away from another issue,
To navigate unsuspecting bystanders towards a "desirable" course of action,
To "punish" or hurt another individual for a perceived hurt,
To justify an action which might otherwise be viewed as inappropriate,
To produce a desired reaction or response from an individual.

Examples of Catastrophizing:

A mother who habitually rushes her child to the emergency room in response to a minor accident or illness.
A friend who contemplates suicide in response to making an unwise purchase.
A spouse who accuses their partner of infidelity when they strike up a conversation or friendship with a member of the opposite sex.
A person who feels abandoned when their partner is a few minutes late for a date.
A sibling who describes "wants" as "needs".

Related Personality Disorders

Catastrophizing is a common occurrence in relationships involving people who suffer from Avoidant Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Dependent Personality Disorder, Histrionic Personality Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder, Paranoid Personality Disorder, Schizotypal Personality Disorder. Munchausen's and Munchausen's By Proxy Syndrome are often manifestations of Catastrophizing. People who suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder are also prone to Catastrophizing.

What it Feels Like:

If you have been living for a long time with a person who is prone to catastrophizing events and situations, you may have a tendency to roll you eyes and say "Oh yeah, sure", but internally, you may also fear that this person can really do you damage. People who catastrophize sometimes divert needed resources, such as time and money, to address their issue, and consider their actions justified because of their perceived need to avert disaster.

It can feel humiliating to see the reactions of other people to "over-reacting" behavior. You may find yourself trying to compensate for a partner or family member's attitude to try to cover up your own embarrassment.

You may also be on the receiving end of some of the assumptions, accusations or conclusions that can arise from catastrophizing. This can feel threatening as you may be cast as the perpetrator of inappropriate behavior which you feel is unwarranted.

Coping with Catastrophizing - What NOT to do:

Don't panic.
Don't automatically assume they are over-reacting and completely ignore them. Every once in a while emergencies do happen. Figure out what is real and work on that.
Don't try to over-compensate for their behavior by using any bad behavior of your own.
Don't go into crisis mode just to keep the peace. Try to be as calm and objective as you can. Don't allow yourself to become responsible for cleaning up the mess that someone else's behavior creates.
Avoid Circular Conversations - State your position once only. Then exit the conversation, whether or not they acknowledge that you are right.

Coping with Catastrophizing - What TO Do:

Protect yourself and any children from potentially harmful or dangerous behavior. Call the police if necessary. Take any threat to harm self or others seriously.
Get support. Try to get a third party involved who can take the focus away from your response and help you objectively navigate the "crisis".
Quickly investigate each situation to establish the facts.
Communicate your conclusions calmly and kindly. Tell the person how you see it, what you are going to do about it, and what you are not going to do about it.
Protect your resources. Get a separate bank account, if necessary.
Get a special ring tone for the person who catastrophizes and let their calls go to the answering service. That gives you time to listen and think without having to react immediately.
Try to recognize the feeling that is behind each crisis and talk to that. Often the person feels scared or anxious. Acknowledge and validate their feelings rather than focusing on their behavior.
Try to keep the responsibility for solving the problem with the person who created it. When a person is trying to deal with a real crisis, they will usually be willing to pitch in to help solve the problem and clean up the mess.
Get emotional support. Talk to a friend or therapist about your situation. Break the silence. Learn what other people see and hear. Learn about personality disorders and how they may be affecting your situation.

Chaos Manufacture

Definition:

Chaos Manufacture - Chaos Manufacture is the practice of unnecessarily creating or maintaining an environment of risk, destruction, confusion or mess.

Description:

If you fear picking up the phone or coming home to a family member or spouse because you have no idea what might greet you, it is possible that you are dealing with a chaos manufacturer.

Not everybody wants peace. Some people actively generate chaotic situations in their lives and in the lives of those around them.

Chaos Manufacture is commonly associated with Histrionic Personality Disorder. People who suffer from HPD sometimes engage in destructive behaviors in an attempt to feel control over their environment or control over their relationships. These behaviors sometimes appear random or illogical to outsiders.

Chaos Manufacture is also common among those who suffer from Antisocial Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder. These people sometimes derive pleasure out of inflicting hurt or struggle on other people, animals or objects.

Chaos Manufacture behaviors are sometimes interpreted by others as a "cry for help." However, not all people who manufacture chaos are motivated by the desire to gain attention from others. Some try to hide the chaos they create and feel a sense of shame about it. Some to create chaos in an attempt to generate internal feelings of being important or in control. Some generate chaos as a form of recreation with little regard to the reactions or needs of others.

Examples of Chaos Manufacture:

Destruction or inappropriate disposal of property.
Theft from family members or from strangers.
Reckless driving.
Suicide attempts & self harm.
Having an affair in view of the other partner.
Acts of cruelty.
Baiting outsiders and bystanders into a conflict.
Calling emergency services such as fire, police or ambulance over a minor or non-existent problem.

Related Personality Disorders

Chaos Manufacture is a common occurrence in relationships involving people who suffer from Antisocial Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Histrionic Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder, Paranoid Personality Disorder .

What it feels like:

If you're living with somebody who manufactures chaos, you may feel helpless and powerless.

You may have tried all sorts of arguments to try to get the personality disordered person in your life to see the error of their ways. You may have resorted to trying to manipulate their behavior by not doing or saying certain things around them.

You may foster a kind of secret life through work, friendships or activities away from the home which you try to protect from their influence.

It's common for victims of chaos manufacture to feel a sense of shame over not being able to get their world onto an even keel. Because of this sense of shame, they may gradually isolate themselves from supportive friends and family. They may avoid inviting others to their home for fear of what it will look like. They may avoid making plans with others out of a fear that their plans will be spoiled by a sudden crisis.

Coping with Chaos Manufacture:

Chaos Manufacture is a form of physical and emotional abuse. Even if the abuser is not intentionally targeting the victim, the behavior is still abusive. It is imperative to get the victim to a safer, more secure place and to limit the damage that can be done by the chaos manufacturer.

What NOT to Do:

Don't spend your time and energy trying to control the actions of a chaos manufacturer or try to teach them a lesson.
Don't retaliate or resort to using bad behavior of your own.
Don't leave valuable objects in a vulnerable place.
Don't accept responsibility for fixing other people's messes.
Don't try to handle any crisis alone.
Don't force yourself to provide a logical explanation for the irrational acts of a personality disordered individual.

What TO Do:

Remove all items of value from the reach of the chaos manufacturer. This includes:
- Access to bank accounts,
- Important documents,
- Sentimental objects such as photographs, gifts and souvenirs, and
- Dangerous items, such as guns, drugs and knives,
Call for backup any time there is an incident or crisis.
Remove yourself from any situation where you may be hurt and wait for help.
Call the police and report any threats, acts of violence or thefts.
Get support from others who you can trust.

Cheating

Definition:

Cheating - Cheating is sharing a romantic or intimate relationship with somebody when you are already committed to a monogamous relationship with someone else.

Description:

Published statistics on Cheating suggest that about 1 in 5 married partners commits adultery and that the numbers are about equal for men and women Source: WebMD This research also suggests that many extra-marital relationships are motivated by dissatisfaction with unfulfilled emotional needs within their committed relationships, as much as by any attraction to the other person.

This helps to explain why cheating is so common among both partners in a PD - Non-PD relationship where both partners have, or feel they have, emotional needs that are not being met.

The personality-disordered individual may have a spouse or committed partner who is trying very hard to meet their needs, but is unable to fill the void. They may have fear of abandonment issues which motivate them to take a "pre-emptive" strike, such as stepping outside of the relationship commitment before their partner "inevitably" cheats on them. They may dissociate a cheating persona with a faithful one. They may flirt or become intimate with others in an attempt to arouse the jealousy or test the love of their committed partner.

Non personality-disordered individuals (Non-PD's) often feel unfulfilled because of a pattern of verbal or physical abuse, accusations, withdrawal of affection, push-pull, and a general lack of attention to their emotional needs. Stripped of their self-esteem and starved of loving human contact, they may begin to crave the intimacy they feel they have been denied and become extremely vulnerable to any displays of affection, attention or admiration they may receive from others. It doesn't take much for a hungry Non-PD to jump for anyone who will throw them a bone, regardless of whether that person is good for them or not.

What it Feels Like:

Contributed by OOTF Member "S"

Before I found out:

He told me things he thought I wanted to hear so I wouldn't be suspicious. He talked a lot about his ‘friend’ at work, I think more just in case he slipped so he could cover his tracks. But he was overly sympathetic to his friend’s needs, (i.e., her dogs died so she needed a shoulder to cry on, she needed someone to talk to because her husband was abusive, she needed help moving, she needed help shopping, etc.) But he would never contribute in the same way at home.
He attended happy hour after happy hour because someone got laid off & needed “one more beer”, he “couldn't leave now because someone just bought him a drink & he couldn't be rude” to them – but then he could be rude to his wife & children & not come home until 11pm/midnight. One time when I got angry & told him that I didn't want him to go to any more happy hours, he didn't come home at all.
He often said things like “I always said…” or “I already told you…”, although he hadn't said them to me.
He asked me to do sexual things he had never asked before.
He gave me enough of the truth to make me give him the benefit of the doubt. He even used my kindness and my generosity to get me to do things for her.

When it hit me:

I felt electrocuted. I felt like all the life had been sucked out of me in an instant.
It felt like looking through a window of my life in disbelief; thinking that this must be someone else’s life & not mine; this happens to other people.
I remember trying to find something, anything, to prove that I was wrong for thinking that he was cheating. I didn't want to not believe him. What did I do wrong? What didn't I do right?
I felt disgusted & sick with the thoughts of someone else making love to my husband. I felt humiliated and embarrassed that his family and friends at work knew, and I did not.
I felt my life fold like a house of cards. All happy memories were erased in an instant on that day when I learned of the affair.
I felt the loss of a dream popped like a lofting balloon.
I felt conned, set-up, ambushed, like the “rug was pulled out from under me”, like I suddenly lost my breath from a bucket of cold water being thrown in my face.
I thought about roses he gave me for Valentine’s Day, how he said he was going to stay, then the next day how he was “in love with someone else”.

After he was gone:

I felt hollow.
I felt limp as a rag doll from crying so hard.
Every day began to look the same. It was easier not to think. I didn't want to eat; I wasn't hungry and I didn't notice I hadn't eaten meals.
At night I couldn't sleep; in the morning I couldn't wake up.
I felt rage: “How could you!” I wanted to hit something. I broke/smashed/shattered the gifts around the house that had come from his “friend” and the gifts from him that I realized had been given out of guilt.
I felt expendable. I felt pushed overboard while he watched me go under.
I took off my wedding ring in slow motion and disbelief.
I couldn't think. Noises were too loud, but silence was even louder. I needed life to become muffled for me to keep going.

When I went out in public:

I struggled to maintain my dignity. I thought people must think I must be pretty horrible to live with. I felt as though people were staring at me & whispering about me; I had made the community gossip – I didn't want my children to find out from strangers what their dad had done.
Some friends felt sorry for me. Some wanted to know ‘the dirt’. Others withdrew from me, as if they were afraid they would catch “divorce cooties” and infect their own marriage.
I hated hearing, “it happens to the best of us”. It wasn't supposed to happen to me! I hated other people making excuses for him. I hated other people telling me that he was still a good man. I hated other people telling me that I was a good catch and would find someone else.
I felt as if others were looking at me if a cheating song came on the radio.
I didn't want to talk about it because I didn't want to cry anymore. I was emotionally & physically spent. I didn't want other people to start telling me their “hate all men” story.
I didn't want to be left out, but I didn't want to be around people.
I felt on sympathy display when I was the only single person at a couple’s event.
I went to functions as if nothing was wrong because I didn't want to explain myself.
I hated people telling me I'll get over it & this was the "first day of the rest of my life".
I was embarrassed to be a statistic.

When I looked back:

I felt like I was being prepared to be a single parent long before I found out because he was slowly dissolving his participation in our lives.
I hated it when other people acted like they knew all along after they put the pieces together.
I had a haunting visual echo of a discovered plane ticket and a hotel receipt for 2 I had found.
I began to recognize previous times when he had cheated on me. When he had decided that he “needed a break” he spent the time with his girlfriend instead of with me & our children.

Chronic Broken Promises

Definition:

Chronic Broken Promises - Repeatedly making and then breaking commitments and promises is a common trait among people who suffer from personality disorders.

Description:

People who suffer from personality disorders often make promises or accept commitments and responsibilities which they later do not follow through on.

While this trait might seem manipulative to others, broken promises are often the result of a dysfunctional situational ethic. The promises may be sincere at the time they are made, but during the follow through, strong mood swings or feelings of fear may produce a sense of crisis in the mind of the person who suffers from the personality disorder to the extent that the end justifies the means and the promise made is regarded of lesser importance than the need to soothe their own internal feelings.

Examples of Chronic Broken Promises:

Cheating - Cheating is sharing a romantic or intimate relationship with somebody when you are already committed to a monogamous relationship with someone else.
Dissociation- Dissociation, or disassociation, is a psychological term used to describe a mental departure from reality.
Gaslighting - Gaslighting is the practice of systematically convincing an individual that their understanding of reality is mistaken or false. The term "Gaslighting" is taken from the 1944 MGM movie “Gaslight”.
Hoovers & Hoovering - A Hoover is a metaphor, taken from the popular brand of vacuum cleaners, to describe how an abuse victim, trying to assert their own rights by leaving or limiting contact in a dysfunctional relationship gets "sucked back in" when the perpetrator temporarily exhibits improved or desirable behavior.
Manipulation - Manipulation is the practice of baiting an individual or group of individuals into a certain response or reaction pattern for the purpose of achieving a hidden personal goal.
Neglect - Neglect is a passive form of abuse in which the physical or emotional needs of an individual who is incapable of providing for themselves are disregarded or ignored by the person responsible for them.
Pathological Lying - Pathological lying is persistent deception to serve one's own interests with little or no regard to the needs and concerns of others. A pathological liar is a person who habitually lies to serve their own needs.
Sabotage - Sabotage is the impulsive disruption of a calm or harmonious status quo in a relationship or domestic situation, occasionally perpetrated by those with Personality Disorders, in order to serve a personal interest, to provoke a conflict or to draw attention to themselves.
Selective Memory and Selective Amnesia - Selective Memory and Selective Amnesia is the use of memory, or a lack of memory, which is selective to the point of reinforcing a bias, belief or desired outcome.
Selective Competence - Selective Competence is the practice of demonstrating different levels of intelligence, resourcefulness, strength or competence depending on the situation or environment.

What it feels like:

Chronic lying often produces an attitude of skepticism in a non-personality disordered person (Non-PD). However, over time the non-personality-disordered individual may begin to engage in a form of enabling and contribute to the patterns of deception and denial. This may be to avoid conflict and keep the peace. It may just seem easier not to confront the contradictions and play along. This can develop into a system of learned helplessness in which the Non-PD convinces themselves that they are powerless to do anything about the situation, even if that is not the case.

The loss of self esteem experienced over the long term can have a significant effect on the Non-PD who may try to compensate by engaging in dysfunctional behaviors of their own. This is sometimes known as "getting fleas".

Coping with Chronic Broken Promises:

If you are living with a chronic promise-breaker it is a good idea to separate some responsibilities from them, so you can take care of your own needs, without relying on them.

This may mean establishing your own source of income, bank account, health providers, social networks, transportation & entertainment separately from those of the other person. Then your own well being and happiness are not tied to the performance of the other person, but to your own behavior. If they take care of you, great. If they don't, then everything is still OK.

This type of detachment will sometimes be met by resistance from the person with the personality disorder. They may attempt to use Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG) to try to reattach the interdependencies in the relationship. It is important to remember that taking care of yourself or detaching from a loved one is not the same thing as removing love for them. Rather, it is often the kindest thing you can do for them, much like taking a hazardous object away from a baby.

What NOT to Do:

Don't place dependency for your needs to be met on a person who suffers from a personality disorder.
Don't forget during the bad days that they have a good side and vice-versa. Try to remember that they have a good side and a bad side all the time, although you may only see one side at a time.
Don't react emotionally when a person with a personality disorder breaks their promises. Think of it as an inevitable consequence of the disorder, which will come and go at random, like a rain shower or a storm.
Don't entrust important bank accounts, loans, drugs, responsibilities etc to a person who suffers from a personality disorder. You have to decide to be the responsible one since you don't have the mental illness.
Don't give in to pressure to give up your boundaries. Boundaries are about protecting yourself and you can't have a healthy relationship without them.

What TO Do:

Put the really important stuff in safe places.
Establish your own needs yourself. This may involve major life changes.
Allow the person with the personality disorder to make contributions if you are comfortable with that and they want to do it, but don't become dependent on them.
Get support. Build a supportive social network of reliable friends and family members where available.
Work on boundaries which will protect you, your loved ones and your property so that the things which are vulnerable are off-limits to those who don't have the ability to control their own behavior.

Circular Conversations

Definition:

Circular Conversations - Circular Conversations are arguments which go on almost endlessly, repeating the same patterns with no real resolution.

Description:

In Circular Conversations, both parties take opposing positions over an issue, dig in and reiterate the merits of their position. This typically continues until one (or both) of them becomes exhausted and stops communicating.

Circular conversations can last hours, days, weeks, months, years, even a lifetime. When you think about it for a moment, the only reason people would subject themselves to that is they retain the hope that at some point the other person will change their mind, see their point of view, learn something, recognize their mistake and be persuaded that they were wrong all along. Logic would suggest that after 2 or 3 times around the loop most people would give up, but many of us don't. We go over and over.

Circular Conversations often occur because the issue we are defending is a "bottom line issue" or represents a bottom line issue. Often, the argument begins over something superficial. For example, it may be about who should turn out the light or who should say "I'm sorry". The reason these become circular arguments is that the issue expressed often represents an underlying feeling, such as "I feel disrespected", "I feel hurt" or "I feel afraid". When we argue, we are often trying to communicate feelings but, because of the tension in the air and, because the other person is not validating our position, we often feel too vulnerable to express our feelings. Instead, we tend to abstract or represent our feelings in the form of a position, an issue or an event such as "You lied to me", or "You're being insensitive", or even, "I hate you". While we may say these things, we will not be satisfied until we believe the underlying feeling beneath our statements is resolved, addressed or acknowledged.

Enter the person with the personality disorder and you sometimes have the recipe for a never ending circular discussion. That is because the person with a personality disorder is not always able to see the same reality that you see. To a person with a personality disorder, the way they feel dictates to them what the facts are. This is sometimes described as "Feelings Create Facts". So to them, if they feel betrayed, then you are a betrayer. If they feel loved, then you are loving. If they feel afraid, then you are dangerous. If their feelings match up to your reality, that's great! You will be wonderfully validated, incredibly appreciated and deeply and sincerely loved. However, when their feelings do not line up with yours, then it is going to be a long night.

People with personality disorders have all the same human emotions as you do. They naturally want to be validated and accepted. The problem is that their representation of reality, while valid to them, is not always factual. They may start talking to you in a way that you can't accept, endorse or agree. You may discover that you just can't reach resolution. It won't change until they feel different, which might take a few minutes or a few years.

What it feels like:

Circular conversations are exhausting and frustrating.

Coping With Circular Conversations:

What NOT to Do:

Don't repeat anything you have already said once.
Don't explain or respond to a question that you have already answered.
Don't engage in aggressive acts such as slamming doors or storming out.
Don't try to get the last word.
Don't wait for your feelings to be validated.
Don't try to change the other person's mind. Their thoughts and beliefs and feelings are their own property.
Don't try to manipulate the other person's feelings. Don't try to make them feel guilt, remorse, sympathy etc.
Don't spend time describing the other person's behavior, feelings or actions. Focus on describing your own needs and feelings.
Don't insist on agreement or consensus before the conversation can end. It's normal and healthy for two people to arrive at disagreement, different conclusions and different interpretations of the same events.

What TO Do:

Recognize the pattern. Acknowledge that you are in a conversation that is just going around and around.
Accept that feelings aren't inherently good or bad - they just are. The way you feel is just the way you feel. Feelings are a byproduct of circumstances, emotions, brain chemistry and a host of other things. You can't control the way you feel, neither can the person with the personality disorder. The way you feel is just a natural reaction to what you are experiencing.
Switch from stating facts to stating feelings. Describe your own feelings not the other person's. Don't say "I feel like you are lying". That is not a feeling, that is an opinion. Say "I feel scared" or "I feel hurt". You don't have to say why, just say it. The wonderful thing about stating your feelings is that nobody can contradict you, although people might try. Nobody knows or owns your feelings except you.
End the conversation, calmly and with your dignity intact. If you like, you can say, "I need a break" or "Let's discuss this later" and end it there.
Get out of the way.
If you can do that, you can break the cycle. Congratulations! You deserve a big pat on the back!

Cognitive Dissonance

Definition:

Cognitive Dissonance - Cognitive Dissonance is a psychological term for the discomfort that most people feel when they encounter information which contradicts their existing set of beliefs or values. People who suffer from personality disorders often experience cognitive dissonance when they are confronted with evidence that their actions have hurt others or have contradicted their stated morals.

Description:

Cognitive dissonance occurs whenever a person is confronted with information which conflicts with their own world view.

Examples of Cognitive Dissonance:

if a person holds the view "mother's know what is best for their children" they may experience conflict when presented evidence that a mother has acted in a violent, unkind or abusive way towards one of her children.
if a person holds the view "all believers of a particular faith will go to heaven" they may feel cognitive dissonance when they witness an example of a believer who has acted in a cruel or depraved manner.
if a person holds the belief "I am a good person" they may experience cognitive dissonance whenever presented with evidence that their words or actions have hurt others.

Confronted by evidence which contradicts their values or beliefs, a person is forced to make an uncomfortable choice:

to hold to their belief and disregard the data they have been presented with or
to modify their beliefs and risk having to re-evaluate their world view, their choices and their character.

What it feels like:

People who are experiencing cognitive dissonance may adopt a pattern of denial, diversion and defensiveness to control their discomfort. They may also alternate between periods of denial and periods of self shame when they try to compensate or make amends.

Non personality-disordered (Non-PD) individuals often experience cognitive dissonance when they are confronted with evidence that their partner, spouse, parent, sibling or child is not behaving in a loving way toward them. This may contradict their belief or desire that their family is healthy or "normal".

Non-PD's may also experience cognitive dissonance when they discover that their own reactions or responses to challenging behavior on the part of a family member do not reveal their best side. They may display occasional angry outbursts, actions of deception or retribution, such as violence, shouting, name calling, sabotage, affairs, gossip and slander. Following such actions they may feel shameful, worthless or powerless. They may feel regret that they have handed justification for bad behavior to the abusive person in their home. They may even blame themselves for contributing to the abuse and dysfunction in the home.

What NOT to do:

If you experience cognitive dissonance as a Non-PD:

Don't blame yourself or shame yourself for having had contradictory thoughts or assumptions. Everybody has them. They are an important part of growth and learning.
Don't assume that because you have been wrong or mistaken about one thing that you are wrong and mistaken about everything. Accept your errors for what they are and learn from them.
Don't consider yourself worthless, useless or powerless.
Don't try to over-compensate for your weaknesses by over steering in the direction of your strengths. Try to love and accept the whole you.
Don't go into denial about things which are plain facts. Try to accept the truth and learn from it.
Don't make any big announcements, dramatic gestures or life decisions while you are feeling emotional. Wait until you have had time to think and consider your options.

If a personality-disordered person in your life experiences cognitive dissonance:

Don't take advantage of them by preaching, pontificating or nagging. Nobody likes that.
Don't mock, ridicule, shame or criticize another person who is struggling, no matter how much you may feel they deserve it.
Don't be surprised if they engage in denial, desperately seek an "out" or rationalize away flawed thinking, poor choices or unkind behavior.
Don't blame yourself for another person's behaviors, words or beliefs. That's their stuff.
Don't condone abusive behavior or speech. Protect yourself and children.
Don't engage in circular arguments or thought policing.

What TO do:

If you experience cognitive dissonance as a Non-PD:

Forgive yourself. Nobody is perfect. Everybody makes mistakes. It's not wrong to be wrong. Everyone who has ever lived has personal struggles.
Take advantage of the opportunity for growth that comes from learning something new about yourself.
Open your mind. Take advantage of the opportunity to see things from a totally different perspective.
Get support. Talk to trusted friends, family and professionals who can help you work it out.

If a personality-disordered person in your life experiences cognitive dissonance:

Give them space to explore their own thoughts.
Encourage, support and validate them where appropriate.
Accept that they have a right to have their own thoughts and feelings, even if you think they are "wrong".
Find a supportive environment where you will independently feel validated and nurtured.
Take care of yourself, regardless of what encouragement the psersonality-disordered individual gives you.

Confirmation Bias

Definition:

Confirmation Bias - Confirmation Bias is the tendency to pay more attention to things which reinforce your beliefs than to things which contradict them.

Description:

When people are confronted with new information, they tend to view it subjectively in light of things they already believe or want to believe are true. Because of this, there is a tendency to focus more attention on data which reinforces their pre-existing beliefs and to suppress or disregard data which challenges their beliefs. This tendency to focus on data which confirms an existing belief is known as confirmation bias.

Confirmation bias affects everybody, including the people who suffer from personality disorders and the people who care for them.

Relationships between personality-disordered individuals (PD's) and non personality-disordered individuals (Non-PD's) are often strongly emotionally charged. Confirmation bias can influence what these people believe about each other and how they interpret each other's behavior. Understanding how confirmation bIas affects human behavior sometimes helps to explain how dysfunctional relationships stay that way.

The human brain is incredibly adept at pattern recognition. This gives us the ability to quickly reduce a lot of complex, contradictory information into simple "black and white" decisions and ideas. Our value systems give us a framework that helps us to quickly recognize patterns and process data. This judgmental ability helps to give us lightning-fast reactions to events that happen around us. However, this same ability to make instant judgments can sometimes lead to mistakes.

When we describe people as "seeing the glass half full" or "seeing the glass half empty", we are describing a confirmation bias.

When confronted with data which contradicts an existing world view, most people experience a sense of internal discomfort known as Cognitive Dissonance. There is a tendency to suppress thoughts that generate this discomfort and this contributes to confirmation bias.

Examples of Confirmation Bias in People who suffer from Personality Disorders:

People who suffer from Personality Disorders are often prone to exhibit behaviors which demonstrate confirmation bias:

"Always" & "Never" Statements - "Always" & "Never" Statements are declarations containing the words "always" or "never". They are commonly used but rarely true.

Blaming - Blaming is the practice of identifying a person or people responsible for creating a problem, rather than identifying ways of dealing with the problem.

Catastrophizing - Catastrophizing is the habit of automatically assuming a "worst case scenario" and inappropriately characterizing minor or moderate problems or issues as catastrophic events.

Denial- Denial is believing or imagining that some factual reality, circumstance, feeling or memory does not exist or did not happen.

Dissociation- Dissociation, or disassociation, is a psychological term used to describe a mental departure from reality.

Favoritism - Favoritism is the practice of systematically giving positive, preferential treatment to one child, subordinate or associate among a group of peers.

Fear of Abandonment - Fear of abandonment is a phobia, sometimes exhibited by people with personality disorders, that they are in imminent danger of being rejected, discarded or replaced at the whim of a person who is close to them.

Gaslighting - Gaslighting is the practice of systematically convincing an individual that their understanding of reality is mistaken or false. The term "Gaslighting" is taken from the 1944 MGM movie “Gaslight”.

Hyper Vigilance - Hyper Vigilance is the practice of maintaining an unhealthy level of interest in the behaviors, comments, thoughts and interests of others.

Infantilization - Infantilization is the practice of treating a child as if they are much younger than their actual age.

Projection - Projection is the act of attributing one's own feelings or traits onto another person and imagining or believing that the other person has those same feelings or traits.

Ranking and Comparing - Ranking is the practice of drawing unnecessary and inappropriate comparisons between individuals or groups for the purpose of raising one's own self-esteem or lowering someone else's sense of self-worth relative to a peer group.

Scapegoating - Scapegoating is the practice of singling out one child, employee or member of a group of peers for unmerited negative treatment or blame.

Selective Memory and Selective Amnesia - Selective Memory and Selective Amnesia is the use of memory, or a lack of memory, which is selective to the point of reinforcing a bias, belief or desired outcome.

Selective Competence - Selective Competence is the practice of demonstrating different levels of intelligence, resourcefulness, strength or competence depending on the situation or environment.

Self-Aggrandizement - Self-Aggrandizement is a pattern of pompous behavior, boasting, narcissism or competitiveness designed to create an appearance of superiority.

Self Doubt - It's common for people who have lived a long time in a highly charged environment with a personality-disordered individual to begin to doubt their own moral compass and their own mental health.

Self-Loathing - Self-Loathing is an extreme self-hatred of one's own self, actions or one's ethnic or demographic background.

Shaming - The difference between blaming and shaming is that in blaming someone tells you that you did something bad, in shaming someone tells you that you are something bad.

Splitting - Splitting is a psychological term used to describe the practice of thinking about people and situations in extremes and regarding them as completely "good" or "bad".

Testing - Testing is the practice of repeatedly forcing another individual to demonstrate or prove their love or commitment to the relationship.

Tunnel Vision - Tunnel Vision is the habit or tendency to only see or focus on a single priority while neglecting or ignoring other important priorities.

Examples of Confirmation Bias in Non-PD's:

Family members and partners of personality-disordered individuals are also prone to exhibit confirmation bias in their own behavior:

Abuse Amnesia - Abuse Amnesia is a form of denial in which a victim habitually "forgives and forgets" episodes of abuse when it would be more appropriate, and ultimately better for both parties, to hold them accountable for their own actions.

Depression (Non-PD) -Depression is when you feel sadder than your circumstances dictate, for longer than your circumstances last, but still can't seem to break out of it.

Intermittent Reinforcement - Intermittent Reinforcement is when rules, rewards or personal boundaries are handed out or enforced inconsistently and occasionally. This usually encourages another person to keep pushing until they get what they want from you without changing their own behavior.

Lack of Boundaries - A lack of boundaries is often at the root of long-term abusive relationships. Lack of boundaries means the absence of rules, limits and guidelines for acceptable behavior. Inconsistent or intermittent reinforcement of consequences for inappropriate behavior is common among both abusers and abuse victims.

Learned Helplessness- Learned helplessness is when a person begins to believe that they have no control over a situation, even when they do.

Denial - Denial is believing or imagining that some factual reality, circumstance, feeling or memory does not exist or did not happen.

Rescuer Syndrome -Rescuer Syndrome is when a non-personality-disordered (Non-PD) individual mistakenly assumes that their own skills and qualities are adequate to cure or compensate for their personality-disordered loved-one's mental health issues. The Non-PD often disregards medical or professional best-practice and attempts to cure the personality disorder through their own personal effort.

Stinkin' Thinkin' - The Ten Forms of Twisted Thinking - Stinkin' Thinkin', also known as 'Stinking Thinking or Ten Forms of Twisted Thinking', is a popular list of common negative thought patterns from The Feeling Good Handbook, by David D. Burns, M.D.

Stockholm Syndrome - Stockholm Syndrome is when a hostage, kidnap victim or abuse victim develops a sense of loyalty or co-operation towards their captor or abuser, disregarding the abuse or the danger and protecting or sustaining the perpetrator.

What it feels like:

If you are in a relationship with a person who is influenced by a confirmation bias, you may feel frustrated at their ability to completely disregard the evidence in front of them which demonstrates that they have come to an incorrect conclusion about something. They may appear stubborn, unyielding, or unwilling to compromise. They may seem to ignore 99% of the evidence that says they are wrong and cling to the 1% of the evidence that supports their position. You may feel frustrated and think that they are doing this on purpose.

If you as a non personality-disordered (Non-PD) individual are being controlled by a confirmation bias, chances are you are making decisions or interpreting circumstances where there is a strong emotional component. You may feel you have a lot to gain or lose depending on the outcome of what you are observing. You may feel a "tug of war" tension between your heart and your head. Usually, the more there is at stake, the stronger your emotional bias will be.

What NOT to do:

If someone else has a confirmation bias:

Don't assume they know they are in the wrong. It's possible they believe they are in the right because it feels right, even if it is not logically right.
Don't get into an argument or Circular Conversation. If their decisions are being made based on their feelings, then they are not likely to change their mind until after their feelings change.
Don't blame yourself or look for a reason why people believe illogical things.
Don't Thought Police or try to force anyone to think the way you do. It's OK to allow somebody else to continue to believe something that is inaccurate. It's not wrong to be wrong.

What TO do:

Try to detach yourself and put yourself in a position where it doesn't matter what the other person chooses to think or believe.
Remove yourself from any situation where you are being emotionally abused or physically abused.
Surround yourself with supportive people who will believe your side of the story and will validate your feelings. Talk to trusted friends, family and professionals who can help you work it out.

"Control Me" Syndrome

"Control-Me" Syndrome - "Control-Me" Syndrome describes a tendency that some people have to foster relationships with people who have a controlling narcissistic, antisocial or "acting-out" nature.

Description:

Some people just feel more comfortable when they give the responsibility for making decisions to others.

It's sometimes tempting to allow others to make decisions for us. We are apt to do this when:

we feel less successful than others,
we feel less capable than others,
others project an air of confidence or authority,
others appear more successful than us,
we are humiliated by past mistakes, or
we fear the humiliation of making new mistakes.

Taking a passive "control-me" approach is a dangerous strategy for a number of reasons:

Other people make mistakes.
Certain people with personality disorders, including narcissists, controllers and other people who "act-out" are often attracted to "Control-Me" personalities.
Adopting a passive approach to decision making often leads to a passive-aggressive attitude towards problem solving.

It is also important to realize that when you give control over decision making to another, you have not really given up control so much as you have chosen to delegate control to another. This means that you are somewhat responsible for the outcome.

Examples of "Control Me" Syndrome

A woman tends to get into relationships with men who will tell her what to do.
A man will not leave an abusive relationship unless someone he regards as an authority figure gives him permission to do it.
A young woman is relieved to move out and escape from her abusive home, immediately gets involved with an abusive boyfriend.

People who go through life with a "control me" strategy typically find themselves disappointed with the results as they stagger from one dysfunctional relationship to the next. They may find themselves repeatedly in abusive situations or trapped in relationships that do not serve their best interests. They often hook up with people who have a "Control-You" syndrome.

What It Feels Like:

If you are in a relationship with a person who has "control me" syndrome, you may be flattered by their apparent trust in you. You may, however, end up feeling frustrated by the burden of additional responsibility. Disappointments will inevitably come and mistakes will inevitably be made. When they do, you may feel like you are being blamed for something that should have been somebody else's responsibility.

If you have the symptoms of "control me" syndrome, you may enjoy the short cut of putting the responsibility onto another, but you may also become frustrated when they inevitably let you down.

Cruelty To Animals

Definition:

Cruelty To Animals - Acts of Cruelty to Animals have been statistically discovered to occur more often in people who suffer from personality disorders than in the general population.

Description:

Two categories of animal cruelty exist:

Passive Animal Cruelty involves cases where lack of action causes harm to an animal, Passive cruelty includes starvation, dehydration, neglect of necessary veterinary care for disease, parasite infestation or injury, denial of shelter from extreme heat or cold.

A significant number of cases of animal neglect result from owner ignorance or error. Owner education is often an adequate remedy for this. In extreme cases, however, animals may to be removed from their owner by law enforcement.

Active Animal Cruelty involves cases where an individual knowingly, intentionally or directly performs an action that causes harm or Non-Accidental Injury (NAI) to an animal.

According to a 2002 study published in Psychiatric News, there is a link between animal cruelty and personality disorders. In the study, 75% of a group of criminal defendants who had been determined to have committed acts of animal cruelty met the criteria for a personality disorder type (antisocial, borderline, schizotypal, paranoid, mixed). Only 27% of a control group met the criteria for a personality disorder. This difference was found to be statistically significant.

The following is quoted from statistics published online by the American Humane Association:

71% of pet-owning women entering women’s shelters reported that their batterer had injured, maimed, killed or threatened family pets for revenge or to psychologically control victims; 32% reported their children had hurt or killed animals.
68% of battered women reported violence towards their animals. 87% of these incidents occurred in the presence of the women, and 75% in the presence of the children, to psychologically control and coerce them.
13% of intentional animal abuse cases involve domestic violence.
Between 25% and 40% of battered women are unable to escape abusive situations because they worry about what will happen to their pets or livestock should they leave.
Pets may suffer unexplained injuries, health problems, permanent disabilities at the hands of abusers, or disappear from home.
Abusers kill, harm, or threaten children’s pets to coerce them into sexual abuse or to force them to remain silent about abuse. Disturbed children kill or harm animals to emulate their parents’ conduct, to prevent the abuser from killing the pet, or to take out their aggressions on another victim.
In one study, 70% of animal abusers also had records for other crimes. Domestic violence victims whose animals were abused saw the animal cruelty as one more violent episode in a long history of indiscriminate violence aimed at them and their vulnerability.
Investigation of animal abuse is often the first point of social services intervention for a family in trouble.
For many battered women, pets are sources of comfort providing strong emotional support: 98% of Americans consider pets to be companions or members of the family.
Animal cruelty problems are people problems. When animals are abused, people are at risk.

Source: American Humane Association Facts About Animal Abuse and Domestic Violence

According the Humane Society of the United States 2003 Animal Cruelty Report, in a sample of the largest domestic violence shelters in the US, 91% of adult victims and 73% of child victims describe animal cruelty as having occurred in the home. The report offers the following motivations for perpetrators of domestic violence to also commit acts of abuse toward family pets, livestock and animals:

To demonstrate and confirm power and control over the family
To isolate the victim and children
To force the family to keep violence a secret
To perpetuate the context of terror
To prevent the victim from leaving or coerce her/him to return
To punish the victim for leaving
To degrade the victim through involvement in the abuse

Source: Humane Society of the United States 2003 Animal Cruelty Report

Examples:

Injury inflicted by beating, throwing, kicking or punching.
Death or injury inflicted by stabbing, shooting, drowning, poisoning, burning
Torture through mutilation, experimentation
Neglect through starvation, exposure to extreme environment or lack of veterinary care.

What It Feels Like:

Acts of violence or neglect toward animals are a form of extreme emotional abuse or intimidation and will create great fear for bystanders, especially dependent children or spouses.

Denial

Definition:

Denial- Denial is believing or imagining that some factual reality, circumstance, feeling or memory does not exist or did not happen.

Description:

Most people find themselves in denial in everyday living situations, particularly in handling threatening situations, grief or loss. This is quite normal not to face reality - or pretend it does not exist, as one struggles to cope with difficult circumstances.

Denial can result from experiences, memories or information which contradict our world view resulting in cognitive dissonance. Cognitive Dissonance is a psychological term for the discomfort that most people feel when they encounter information which contradicts their existing set of beliefs or values. People who suffer from personality disorders often experience cognitive dissonance when they are confronted with evidence that their actions have hurt others or have contradicted their stated morals

However, with personality disorders, there is a phenomenon known as dissociation - which is a more pervasive, destructive form of denial - where a person is not merely disregarding, neglecting or avoiding the truth but rather forms a conviction or belief around a fictitious set of beliefs and attempts to impose, force or project that fictitious version of reality onto others.

Examples:

A family member calls you on the telephone and 5 minutes later insists that it did not happen.
A spouse commits an act of violence and later refuses to acknowledge it.
A child cannot recall an incident of parental abuse.
A divorced woman lives as though her ex-spouse is still living with her.

What Not to Do:

Non's can sometimes be stunned to discover that the personality disordered individual in their lives completely believes a completely false reality they have invented. It is common for Non's to spend a great deal of effort fruitlessly trying to reason, cajole or argue with a personality disordered individual into "snapping out of it", "waking up and smelling the coffee" or "facing the facts". It can be hard for Non's to accept that for a person who is dissociating, the denials they are expressing are the facts - at least at that time - for them.

Under such circumstances, standard communication or negotiation techniques are ineffective - since they are built on the premise that both parties can agree on what the facts are, have the ability to to reason and can work towards a common interest or compromise.

What To Do:

Accept that each person's reality is their own property and everyone has the right to believe what they want to believe, think what they want to think and experience their own world without intimidation, control or persecution. That applies to the personality-disordered individual in your life and it also applies to you. That will mean you may have to "agree to disagree" on important facts, history or conclusions.

Remind yourself that one person's opinion of you does not define you. You are you. Seek out the counsel of wise, caring and supportive people who you can trust to help you rebuild your self-esteem. Visit our Working On Ourselves Page for some ideas.

If someone says something which you believe isn't true, it is appropriate to declare "I don't see it that way". Once!

If you, or any children in your care, are being exposed to abuse of any kind, take appropriate action to protect yourself and your children.

After that it is appropriate to walk away from any further discussion and go about living your life in an emotionally and physically safe, healthy, and productive way.

Dependency

Definition:

Dependency - Dependency is an inappropriate and chronic reliance by an adult individual on another individual for their health, subsistence, decision making or personal and emotional well-being.

Description:

When we talk about dependency in the context of personality disorders we are usually describing a relationship dependency rather than a chemical dependency such as a drug or alcohol addiction.

Some people with personality disorders do manifest alcohol and/or drug dependencies. There is an increased incidence in the occurrence of chemical dependency in people who suffer from personality disorders, in particular Antisocial Personality Disorder (APD). For a good reference see Chemical Dependency and Antisocial Personality Disorder: Psychotherapy and Assessment Strategies By Gary G. Forrest.

Dependent Personality Disorder (DPD) is a unique personality disorder defined in the DSM. For more information refer to our section on Dependent Personality Disorder.

The effects of a relationship dependency on family members and partners can be strikingly similar to those of a chemical dependency, although the conditions are unique. In both cases, the person with the disorder exhibits behaviors over which they have poor self-control which threaten the security, drain the resources and cross the boundaries of those closest to them. Therefore a number of coping strategies and techniques which have been developed by organizations like Al-Anon can be helpful for Non-PD's also.

Depression

Definition:

Depression (Non-PD) -Depression is when you feel sadder than your circumstances dictate, for longer than your circumstances last, but still can't seem to break out of it.

Description:

Symptoms of Depression:

Here is a list (from Mayoclinic.com) of common symptoms of depression:

Loss of interest in normal daily activities
Feeling sad or down
Feeling hopeless
Crying spells for no apparent reason
Problems sleeping
Trouble focusing or concentrating
Difficulty making decisions
Unintentional weight gain or loss
Irritability
Restlessness
Being easily annoyed
Feeling fatigued or weak
Feeling worthless
Loss of interest in sex
Thoughts of suicide or suicidal behavior
Unexplained physical problems, such as back pain or headaches

Depression symptoms can vary because different people experience depression in different ways. A 25-year-old man with depression may not have the same symptoms as a 70-year-old man, for instance. For some people, depression symptoms are so severe that it's obvious something isn't right. Others may feel generally miserable or unhappy without really knowing why.

Source: Mayoclinic.com

Depression Among People who Suffer from Personality Disorders

People who suffer from personality disorders are particularly prone to depression because:

The disorder itself may produce irrational feelings of depression.
The consequences of poor choices made may result in regret and depression.

A Non-PD may have trouble understanding the depressive symptoms of a PD-loved-one because sometimes the depressive symptoms are a consequence of the disorder itself and sometimes the depressive symptoms may be a reaction to their circumstances. This may create the appearance of the person with the personality disorder being erratic or hard to "figure -out" and the inconsistency may lead to the Non determining that the PDI is being insincere or manipulative.

It's helpful to understand that while a person with a personality disorder may be very insincere or manipulative at times, they may also be very sincerely depressed at times.

So sometimes the person with the personality disorder may be complaining about their situation because they are controlling you. Sometimes they may be complaining about their situation because they are really hurting. If you react based on the way they were the "last time" you may completely miss the mark.

Understanding this can be helpful - because it can free you up from trying to "figure out" your loved one or write a script for your relationship. There's no way to get inside their head and connect the dots for them - so you might as well not try. It's much more productive to read each situation with honest objectivity. What do the facts of the situation call for? Who is being hurt? Who is hurting others? Who needs protection? Who needs to be left alone? If you try to remove scripts from your playbook and look at each situation objectively you will be better prepared to respond to the bouts of depression which will come in your loved-one.

They won't be wearing a T-shirt which tells you what their state of mind is. Understand that they have a personality disorder - and they have depression sometimes - and it's not your job to "program" them back into happiness - any more than it would be your job to grant them sight if they were blind.

Your job is to protect the innocents. So first you have to survey the situation and determine - as objectively as you can - who is innocent and who needs protection. Are there children being hurt? Are you being hurt? Are innocent bystanders being hurt? Is the person with the PD being hurt? Figure out, based on the behavior, who needs to be protected and get them to safety as best you can.

Dissociation - Feelings Create Facts

Definition:

Dissociation- Dissociation, or disassociation, is a psychological term used to describe a mental departure from reality.

Description:

Feelings are just that... Feelings, and may have no basis in fact at all.....they are just feelings. - Gary

People who dissociate sometimes believe feelings over facts. What they feel at a particular time becomes reality for them. As their moods change, they may rearrange or rewrite facts to make them more consistent with the way they feel.

When confronted with "hard evidence" which contradicts the way we instinctively feel about something, most people feel a sense of discomfort, known as cognitive dissonance. However, if the information is compelling enough, most of us will learn to adjust our opinions or our feelings in order to maintain a consistent world view. In contrast, people who disassociate are able to reject or modify "hard evidence" if it does not support the way they feel or believe the world to be.

All of us indulge in episodes of fantasy or denial from time to time, especially when experiencing times of frustration, hardship or grief. And most people can identify times when their memory has been inaccurate or "played tricks on them". Additionally, when people occasionally bend or break moral or legal standards, they may exhibit denial in a convincing way in order to deal with a guilty conscience.

Dissociation, however, goes beyond common mental errors, fantasy or self-indulgent denial. It is a pervasive pattern of this kind of behavior, often without a logical conclusion or explanation. It is a self-destructive behavior which deteriorates the quality of life of the person who does it - and to those in their immediate vicinity.

Dissociation flies in the face of pure logic - irrational, illogical and counter-intuitive. Dissociation may mean believing or imagining that something very real does not exist or it can mean believing that something very false does exist. Whole blocks of memories can be ignored, rearranged or reinvented at a time.

People who dissociate may appear to behave like pathological liars. However, the difference is that people who dissociate to a certain degree believe in the lies they tell. This is because for them the lies they tell are emotionally accurate - a true rendering of how they feel, rather than factually accurate. For more information on different kinds of liars see our section on Lies, Liars and Lying.

Dissociation is not exclusive to people who are schizophrenic. Dissociation is common among people who suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), Schizotypal Personality Disorder (STPD) and Paranoid Personality Disorder (PPD).

Additionally, an Axis I Disorder known as Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), or Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD) exists, which is a diagnosable illness in its own right. Click Here for more Info on DID/MPD. Dissociative Identity Disorder is the condition in which a person displays more than one unique identity or personality, each with its own pattern of behaviors.

Examples of Dissociation:

Remembering an event that didn't happen, or claiming to have no recollection of an important event that did.
Observing a trusted person or loved one commit an immoral or unethical act and refusing to believe it.
Observing oneself commit an immoral or unethical act and refusing to believe it.
A person demonstrates two or more sets of behaviors, beliefs, skills or personality traits which appear at random.
A person contradicts their own version of a story.
A person alternates between regarding another person or group as "all good" or "all bad" (also known as Splitting).
A person attributes someone else's experiences or actions to themselves (also knows as Mirroring).
A person projects their own experiences or actions onto another person (also known as Projection).
A person is confronted with facts which they choose to ignore.

What it Feels Like:

It can be a frightening experience to live with someone when they are disassociating because there is no logical argument, reasoning or persuasion that will work them out of it. Non-PD's often refer to a partner or family member as "Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde" to describe the sudden changes and contradictions in their loved-one.

Even if the Non-PD is aware of what is going on, it can be a disheartening experience to repeatedly watch a loved one who has been "doing well" slide away from them again and into another potentially damaging disposition. Dissociative people can be very invalidating, because they may sharply contradict what a Non-PD wants or needs to believe about themselves or their world.

One of the most frustrating experiences for Non-PD's is when a person begins to speak to friends, neighbors and other members of the community and tell them their version of reality which does not necessarily shine a favorable light on the Non-PD. It can be a humiliating experience, especially when people seem to be "buying it". It is often the case that third parties can detect contradictions somewhere in the assertions of a dissociative individual. But, for the sake of politeness, most people will not let that show.

Dissociation affects people of high and low intelligence alike. Because people with personality disorders affect people across the whole spectrum of IQ's, it can be hard to believe a person is dissociating particularly if they have moderate or high intelligence. It often takes an "undeniable" episode to convince an observer that dissociation is at work. People who have never been exposed to dissociative behavior in a loved-one sometimes have a hard time believing that it really exists, A common response is to try to rationalize the behavior away as lying, misunderstandings and mistakes.

What NOT to do:

Don't stay up all night arguing with a person who is dissociating or try to talk sense into them. That's a recipe for a Circular Conversation.
Don't act like the Thought Police. Don't use intimidation, ultimatums or manipulations to try to get someone to see things differently. Everyone is entitled to think what they want to think and believe what they want to believe.
Don't retaliate. You will only hurt a mentally-ill person and make yourself look bad.
Don't yield your own reality just to "keep the peace".
Don't assume that everything a person who dissociates says is untrue.

What TO do:

Remove yourself and any children from any situation which you are physically or emotionally threatened.
Handle disagreements with a dissociative person as unemotionally, firmly and briefly as you can. Try to "agree to disagree" and acknowledge that you see things differently and that you need to see things your way as much as the other person sees things their way.
Find your own support network, a group of people who understand what you are living with and know the "real" you.
Find and nurture validating environments for yourself which are separate from the influence and control of a dissociative individual.
See a therapist who can explain dissociation, can help you build your own self esteem and work on techniques for dealing with it.

Divide and Conquer

Definition:

Divide and Conquer - Divide and Conquer is a method of gaining and advantage over perceived rivals by manipulating them into conflicts with each other.

Description:

Some people who suffer from personality disorders, particularly the Cluster B disorders Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Antisocial Personality Disorder, Histrionic Personality Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder have a tendency to view or judge themselves in terms of how they see themselves in competition with others.

This competitive or "win-lose" attitude occasionally turns malevolent and will lead the person who suffers from the personality disorder to seek ways to sabotage, manipulate or otherwise undermine the position of others whom they see as a potential threat.

One of the ways to do that is to try to steer people who are seen as a threat into conflict with others. This is a passive aggressive form of attack since it does not attack the person head on but makes use of a proxy.

When successful, the personality disordered individual gets a feeling of superiority or gratification from lowering the social status of a rival by having others attack them. This also has the effect of making the rival more vulnerable to a more direct attack from the perpetrator.

Examples of Divide and Conquer:

A woman lies to a friend claiming that another friend doesn't like her.
A parent shows favoritism to one child, creating a rivalry with the others.
A woman flirts with a co-worker in front of her boyfriend.
A boss tells a subordinate that the others don't respect him.

What it Feels Like:

When you are exposed to a divide and conquer attack it is very easy to get distracted by fears about what other people think of you. You might feel the urge to "clear your name" or "set the record straight". You might want to confront the people involved and even retaliate.

However, if you do that you have taken the bait. It is often the perpetrators hope that you will lose control and act out in anger or fear.

You are likely to be surrounded by fear, humiliation or concern.

Learning to Cope with People who Divide and Conquer:

When dealing with a Divide and Conquer attack it's important to remember that only you have control over what you do, not the person who is provoking or baiting you.

As the old adage says: "Nobody can make you feel bad about yourself without your permission."

What NOT to do:

Don't believe everything you are told by a person who suffers from a personality disorder. They may just be telling you something false as a means to an end.
Don't react quickly to surprising news. You have the prerogative to think for as long as you want and to react how and when you want.
Don't lose your temper or lose control of your emotions. You can't control other people but you always have control over your own words and actions and that is where you have the most power.
Don't sit still and allow someone to rain down on you insults or criticism in the name of another person. If the room is a painful place to sit, then it is perhaps a good time to go sit in a different room.
Don't make promises, commitments or contracts that will hurt your relationship with people whom you trust, you love, people whose company you enjoy, old friends, and trusted relatives. No-one who truly loves you will want to take healthy, supportive, positive relationships away from you.

What TO do:

Objectively verify anything you are told before acting on it.
Keep in touch with those you love and trust and tell them about any problems or issues you are hiving.
Maintain a healthy balance between family, friends, work and play. You need them all in the right measure to keep a healthy balance.
Politely refuse to engage in Divide and Conquer without starting a fight about it. Remove yourself from a conversation if it is an unhealthy or dysfunctional one. Keep your self control. This is how you keep your power and demonstrate that you are not going to be manipulated like that.

Domestic Theft

Definition:

Domestic Theft -Domestic theft is consuming or taking control of a resource or asset belonging to (or shared with) a family member, partner or spouse without first obtaining their approval.

Description:

Domestic Theft can range all the way from using something without permission, to stealing someone's identity, spending family money without getting agreement from the other side, to running up debts and then leaving somebody else to pay for it.

Domestic Theft is one of the most common, yet under-reported symptoms of personality disorders. In many cases, there has been habitual or frequent theft of some sort from a friend, family member or a partner.

These are forms of theft that rarely get prosecuted, because the victim is a friend or family member, laws often define family property as "community property" which is legally shared and the losses incurred are usually less than catastrophic and hence don't warrant civil litigation.

Emotional Abuse

Definition:

Emotional Abuse - Emotional Abuse is any pattern of behavior directed at one individual by another which promotes in them a destructive sense of fear, obligation or guilt (FOG).

Description:

Many people who are victims of abuse live in homes or environments where they have become so accustomed to the situation that they consider it normal and do not consider themselves to be abuse victims.

Examples of Emotional Abuse:

Blaming - Blaming is the practice of identifying a person or people responsible for creating a problem, rather than identifying ways of dealing with the problem.

Bullying - Bullying is any systematic action of hurting a person from a position of relative physical, social, economic or emotional strength.

Bunny Boiling - Bunny Boiling is a reference to an iconic scene in the movie "Fatal Attraction" in which the main character Alex, who suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder, kills the family's pet rabbit and boils it on the stove. Bunny Boiling has become a popular reference to how people sometimes exhibit their rage by behaving destructively towards symbolic, important or treasured possessions or representations of those whom they wish to hurt, control or intimidate.

Cheating - Cheating is sharing a romantic or intimate relationship with somebody when you are already committed to a monogamous relationship with someone else.

Compulsive Lying - Compulsive Lying is a term used to describe lying frequently out of habit, without much regard for the consequences to others and without having an obvious motive to lie. A compulsive liar is someone who habitually lies.

Cruelty To Animals - Acts of Cruelty to Animals have been statistically discovered to occur more often in people who suffer from personality disorders than in the general population.

Dependency - Dependency is an inappropriate and chronic reliance by an adult individual on another individual for their health, subsistence, decision making or personal and emotional well-being.

Emotional Blackmail - Emotional Blackmail describes the use of a system of threats and punishments on a person by someone close to them in an attempt to control their behaviors.

Engulfment - Engulfment is an unhealthy and overwhelming level of attention and dependency on a spouse, partner or family member, which comes from imagining or believing that one exists only within the context of that relationship.

False Accusations - False accusations, distortion campaigns & smear campaigns are patterns of unwarranted or exaggerated criticisms which occur when a personality disordered individual tries to feel better about themselves by putting down someone else - usually a family member, spouse, partner, friend or colleague.

Favoritism - Favoritism is the practice of systematically giving positive, preferential treatment to one child, subordinate or associate among a group of peers.

FOG - Fear, Obligation & Guilt - The acronym FOG, for Fear, Obligation and Guilt, was first coined by Susan Forward & Donna Frazier in Emotional Blackmail and describes feelings that a person often has when in a relationship with someone who suffers from a personality disorder. Our website, Out of the FOG, is named after this acronym.

Frivolous Litigation and Frivolous Lawsuits - Frivolous Litigation and Frivolous Lawsuits are methods of withholding support, harassing or prolonging conflict by bringing unsubstantiated accusations, meritless appeals or diversionary process into a relationship or a former relationship using the court system as a proxy.

Harassment - Harassment is any sustained or chronic pattern of unwelcome behavior from one individual to another.

Hoovers & Hoovering - A Hoover is a metaphor, taken from the popular brand of vacuum cleaners, to describe how an abuse victim, trying to assert their own rights by leaving or limiting contact in a dysfunctional relationship gets "sucked back in" when the perpetrator temporarily exhibits improved or desirable behavior.

Hysteria - Hysteria is inappropriate over-reaction to bad news or disappointments, which diverts attention away from the problem and towards the person who is having the reaction.

Imposed Isolation - Isolation from friends, family and supportive communities is common among victims of abuse. Isolation is sometimes caused by an abusive person who does not want their victim to have close relationships with others who may challenge their behavior. Often, isolation is self-imposed by abuse victims, who out of a sense of shame or guilt, fear the judgment of others.

Infantilization - Infantilization is the practice of treating a child as if they are much younger than their actual age.

Intimidation - Intimidation is any form of veiled, hidden, indirect or non-verbal threat.

Invalidation - Invalidation is the creation or promotion of an environment which encourages an individual to believe that their thoughts, beliefs, values or physical presence are inferior, flawed, problematic or worthless.

Mirroring - Mirroring is a term which describes imitating or copying another person's characteristics, behaviors or traits.

Name-Calling - Name-Calling is a form of Verbal Abuse which people sometimes indulge in when their emotional thought processes take control from their rational thought processes.

No-Win Scenarios - No-Win Scenarios and Lose-Lose Scenarios are situations commonly created by people who suffer from personality disorders where they present two bad options to someone close to them and pressure them into choosing between the two. This usually leaves the non-personality-disordered person with a "damned if you do and damned if you don't" feeling.

Objectification - Objectification is the practice of treating a person or a group of people like an object.

Pathological Lying - Pathological lying is persistent deception to serve one's own interests with little or no regard to the needs and concerns of others. A pathological liar is a person who habitually lies to serve their own needs.

Perfectionism - Perfectionism is the practice of holding oneself or others to an unrealistic, unsustainable or unattainable standard of organization, order or accomplishment in one particular area of living, while sometimes neglecting common standards of organization, order or accomplishment in others.

Projection - Projection is the act of attributing one's own feelings or traits onto another person and imagining or believing that the other person has those same feelings or traits.

Proxy Recruitment - Proxy Recruitment is a way of controlling or abusing another person by manipulating other people into unwittingly backing you up, speaking for you or "doing your dirty work" for you.

Push-Pull - Push-Pull is a chronic pattern of sabotaging and re-establishing closeness a relationship without appropriate cause or reason.

Raging, Violence and Impulsive Aggression - Raging, Violence and Impulsive Aggression are explosive verbal, physical or emotional elevations of a dispute. Rages threaten the security or safety of another individual and violate their personal boundaries.

Sabotage - Sabotage is the impulsive disruption of a calm or harmonious status quo in a relationship or domestic situation, occasionally perpetrated by those with Personality Disorders, in order to serve a personal interest, to provoke a conflict or to draw attention to themselves.

Scapegoating - Scapegoating is the practice of singling out one child, employee or member of a group of peers for unmerited negative treatment or blame.

Self-Harm - Self Harm, also known as self-mutilation, self-injury or self-abuse is any form of deliberate, premeditated injury inflicted on oneself, common among adolescents and among people who suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder. Most common forms are cutting and poisoning/overdosing.

Shaming - The difference between blaming and shaming is that in blaming someone tells you that you did something bad, in shaming someone tells you that you are something bad.

Silent Treatment - The Silent Treatment is a passive aggressive form of emotional abuse in which displeasure, disapproval and contempt is exhibited through nonverbal gestures while maintaining verbal silence.

Sleep Deprivation - Sleep Deprivation is the practice of routinely interrupting, impeding or restricting another person's sleep cycle.

Splitting - Splitting is a psychological term used to describe the practice of thinking about people and situations in extremes and regarding them as completely "good" or "bad".

Stalking - Stalking is any pervasive and unwelcome pattern of pursuing contact with another individual.

Targeted Humor, Mocking & Sarcasm - Targeted Humor is any sustained pattern of joking, sarcasm or mockery which is designed to reduce another individual's reputation in their own eyes or in the eyes of others.

Testing - Testing is the practice of repeatedly forcing another individual to demonstrate or prove their love or commitment to the relationship.

Thought Policing - Thought Policing is any process of trying to question, control, or unduly influence another persons thoughts or feelings.

Threats - Threats are written or verbal warnings of intentional, inappropriate, destructive actions or consequences.

Verbal and Emotional Abuse:

- by Gary Walters

Unlike a physical injury which usually heals in a short time, verbal and emotional abuse are usually cumulative.

When you are a victim of physical abuse at the hands of someone you love or someone who is supposed to love you, then you also become a victim of emotional abuse, even if no words are spoken.

Unlike physical wounds, that heal naturally leaving only a scar, verbal and emotional wounds, left untreated, tend not to heal. These wounds are often hidden out of sight and become a part of who we are and how we act.

Unlike physical wounds, which hurt us on the outside, verbal and emotional wounds go to the deepest parts of us. Any physical wound going so deep would be fatal, and left untreated long enough, prolonged verbal or emotional abuse can also be fatal.

Emotional abuse can happen without verbal abuse but verbal abuse naturally has emotional abuse attached to it.

I also believe that there has never been a member of this community here at Out of the FOG that hasn't at one time been exposed to some form of verbal or emotional abuse, regardless of what personality disorder or relationship they have dealt with. That seems to be universal to being a "Non-PD".

The injury which comes from verbal and emotional abuse is probably one of the most serious conditions we are left with and is probably connected to all the other effects we experience. In other words, emotional and verbal abuse are responsible for the rest of the iceberg.

The only vaccine I know of that protects against verbal and emotional abuse is a good sense of self and the only medicine that heals the wounds left by verbal and emotional abuse is again a good sense of self. That good sense of self comes from self-work, good boundaries and good therapy & support .

Children who are victims of verbal and emotional abuse are most vulnerable since they can't just walk away. This puts a great responsibility on any non-abusing parent present to protect or remove the child from the abuser. If they don't, another link in the chain may be welded together and the cycle may repeat, with those children ultimately watching their own children go through the same abuse.

I also believe that if a child grows up in an environment of sustained abuse that they will begin to expect it to be normal and justified.

Examples of Verbal and Emotional Abuse:

- by Aames

WHAT THEY DO:

Ridicule or insult you then tell you its a joke, or that you have no sense of humor.
Put down your beliefs, religion, race, heritage - or that of your family / friends.
Withhold approval, appreciation or affection
Give you the silent treatment
Ignore direct questions...Walk away without answering.
Criticize you, call you names, yell at you
Humiliate you privately or in public
Roll his or her eyes ... or mimic you when you talk
Disrespect or insult you, then tell you you are too sensitive.
Seem energized by arguing, while arguing exhausts you.
Have unpredictable mood swings, alternating from good to bad for no apparent reason
"Twist" your words, somehow turning whatever you say against you
Complain about how badly you treat him or her
Threaten to leave, or threaten to throw you out
Say things that make you feel good, but do things that make you feel bad
Compliment you enough to keep you happy, yet criticize you enough to keep you insecure.
Harass you about imagined affairs
Manipulate you with lies and contradictions
Act immature and selfish, yet accuse you of those behaviors
Question your every move and motive, somehow questioning your competence.
Constantly interrupt you while you're trying to make your point
Make you feel like you can never win : damned if you do, damned if you don't.
Incite you to rage, which is "proof" that you are the one with the "problem" - not them.
Try to convince you that they are "right," while you are "wrong".
Frequently say things that are later denied or accuse you of misunderstanding.

What it Feels LIke:

- by Aames

Abuse can have a confusing. hurtful. frightening effect which makes you feel emotionally unsafe. You may begin to doubt yourself, your senses, your opinions, memories, beliefs, feelings, abilities and judgment. You may begin to express your opinions less and less freely and find yourself doubting your sense of reality. You are likely to feel vulnerable, insecure, increasingly trapped and powerless. This may lead you to become defensive and increasingly depressed.

Abuse victims often find themselves " walking on eggshells" around the abuser, hyper vigilant and afraid of when - and how - to say something.

You may find yourself constantly on your "best" behavior around an abuser, unable to relax or enjoy the moment because you are always anticipating the worst. Even when the abuser is in a good mood, you are likely to keep waiting for "the other shoe to drop".

You may also begin to blame yourself for their bad mood, behaviors or actions and hope things will change, especially through your own love and understanding.

People who are abused often long for the nicer, caring side of their partner, family member, friend, co-worker or boss to come back. You may find yourself making excuses for their bad behavior and choosing to focus mainly on getting them back into their good behavior state.

Coping with Emotional Abuse:

So you get to choose between 2 bad options:

Option 1 - staying through an episode of abuse.
Option 2 - leaving during an episode of abuse.

Which one is the lesser evil?

In the short run they are about equal in pain but in the long run, leaving during an outburst is better for the following reasons:

Leaving during an outburst makes it harder for you to do something stupid yourself (such as retaliate).
Leaving during an outburst makes it impossible for anything worse to happen directly to you after you leave (although the personality-disordered person may still try to hurt you by making slanderous phone calls, destroying a favorite possession, emptying your bank account, etc.)
Leaving during an outburst sends a clear "This is not OK" message. It won't be appreciated at the time but it will not be forgotten quickly either.
Leaving during an outburst helps to remind you that YOU are in control - not the person with the personality disorder.
Leaving during an outburst gives you an opportunity to talk to a supportive friend to help you calm down.

It's a good idea to have a plan of what you will do and where you will go the next time an outburst hits. This will make it emotionally easier to make a gracious exit the next time you are confronted with verbal or emotional abuse. If you have a friend or family member you can pre-arrange with to show up at a moment's notice whenever necessary that will make it easier.

If not, maybe you can find a local low-cost hotel where you can show up at a moments notice and get a safe room for the night.

Perhaps you want to have a ready-kit which has your credit cards, essential medications, important documents already packed so you don't need to linger when you need to get out in a hurry.

If at all possible, pre-arrange with a friend whom you can call (even during the night) just to talk to if you find yourself in a situation like this. Just having someone on the end of the line who won't attack or judge you harshly for the way you feel is an enormous relief. If you have pre-arranged earlier you won't feel so stupid calling them or showing up at the door at 2 in the morning - so talk to them now.

What NOT to Do:

Don't remain in the same room with a person who is abusing you. Remove yourself from the situation as quickly as you safely can.
Don't try to handle it all on your own. Call for supportive help and call the police if any threats or violence occur.
Don't try to reason with someone who is abusing you. When you are confronted with aggressive behavior there can be a temptation to stand your ground, explain your position, argue for what you feel is right. A person who is trying to hurt you emotionally or verbally is not thinking rationally and is unlikely to see reason at that time.
Don't fight fire with fire and reciprocate. You will regret it and probably find yourself still apologizing for it years later.
Don't ignore it, steel yourself and tell yourself that you can handle it and that it does not affect you. Unless you are a robot your feelings are going to be hurt and your behavior is going to change far beyond the moment, whether you admit it or not. The reality is that when your boundaries are being crossed you are being hurt. Ignoring it increases the likelihood that the situation will repeat itself.
Don't hide it from others. Most long-term cases of abuse stay that way because the victim stays silent.

What TO Do:

Get yourself and any children out of the room and out of the house as quickly as you can safely do it.
If violence or threats of violence have occurred, call the police immediately.
Stay away from the situation until the abuse stops and you feel calmer and safe.
Call at least one trusted confidant and tell them what has happened.

Emotional Blackmail

Definition:

Emotional Blackmail - Emotional Blackmail describes the use of a system of threats and punishments on a person by someone close to them in an attempt to control their behaviors.

Description:

In a nutshell, emotional blackmail takes the form "if you don't do what I want then I will make you hurt". In order for emotional blackmail to occur there must be 4 things present - a blackmailer, a victim a demand and a threat.

The Demand - In order for emotional blackmail to occur, a blackmailer must be demanding something that the victim does not want to give them - otherwise there would be no conflict. So in order for there to be emotional blackmail there must be a conflicting interest between two parties.

In general the blackmailer is usually asking or demanding something which the victim regards as unreasonable. However, the level of unreasonableness can't be so great that the blackmailer believes that they will never get what they want . In general the demand is for something that the victim is likely to give up if enough pressure is applied. For this reason emotional blackmail patterns are often cyclical - with both the blackmailer and the victim learning over time what level of demand will be tolerated without retribution and what degree of blackmail it takes for the victim to comply.

The Threat - The blackmail may be a threat to hurt the victim directly, or more commonly will be a threat to hurt something or someone the victim cares about. This could take the form of damaging or destroying an object, an agreement, a relationship or a trust. This could include the blackmailer themselves - and so the blackmailer may threaten to hurt themselves to get what they want.

The Blackmailer - Although an emotional blackmailer is fighting for control over their victim, they often have little control over themselves. They may use dissociation to escape the guilt they would feel over the way the are treating another. They may feel desperate inside and justify their actions as a means to an end of soothing their own desperate internal pain. An emotional blackmailer is rarely cognizant of the extent of the hurt they are inflicting on their victim and ultimately on themselves or able and willing to "snap out of it" or see the error of their ways.

The Victim - In order for emotional blackmail to work there has to be a willing victim - a person who is willing to sacrifice their principles, values, goals and boundaries to "keep the peace", "turn the other cheek" and give in to the demands. Victims are often moralistic people, bridge builders - people who have compassion or pity on the blackmailer and are willing to go the extra mile for them. Victims may have low self esteem of their own and generally afraid to stand up for their own ideas and principles. They are caught in a vicious cycle as each time they yield something important to the abuser they suffer a loss of their own self-esteem and begin to fee more powerless, hopeless and trapped in their situation.

In their book, Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You, authors Susan Forward & Donna Frazier invent the acronym FOG, standing for Fear, Obligation, Guilt - feelings which often result from being exposed to emotional blackmail when in a relationship with a person who suffers from a Personality Disorder. It is from this definition that our site - Out of the FOG derived its name. It is our hope that this site may help some navigate out of the FOG in their own lives.

Examples of Emotional Blackmail:

If I ever see another man look at you I will kill him.
If you ever stop loving me I will kill myself.
I've already discussed this with our pastor/therapist/friends/family and they agree that you are being unreasonable.
I'm taking this vacation - with or without you.
Your family hate me. How can you say you love me and still be friends with them?
You've ruined my life and now you are trying to stop me from spending money to take care of myself.
I took the money because you always put yourself first and don't seem to care about my needs.

What NOT to Do:

Don't give in to or reward emotional blackmail demands or attempts.
Don't stay in a situation where there is a threat or an action of violence towards yourself or others.
Don't allow yourself to be blamed for somebody else's bad behaviors or poor personal choices.

What TO Do:

Recognize the characteristic of emotional blackmail and understand that to give in to the demands of a blackmailer is only going to make the situation worse.
Recognize that you can't love someone else more by hurting yourself and that no-one who truly loves you will threaten or expect that of you.
Recognize that the emotional blackmailer is not like you and is unlikely to respond well to reason, arguments or attempts at counter-manipulation.
Work on your own personal boundaries and be willing to defend them.
Remove one of the 4 components of emotional blackmailer - the blackmailer, the victim (you) the threat or the demand. Since you can't control the other person that usually means you have to detach yourself from them enough to protect yourself, your children and the resources and relationships that are precious to you. Then allow the blackmailer back in only to the extent that they cannot threaten or destroy what matters to you most.
Call the authorities if there are any threats or actions of violence.

Engulfment

Definition:

Description:

Engulfment is a distortion of reality in the mind of an individual who suffers from a personality disorder, in which the status of a relationship takes an inappropriate level of priority over their other, everyday, physical and emotional needs and the needs of the person they are focusing on. A level of crisis is inferred on the status of the relationship and a "fix-it-at-all-costs" strategy is deployed to deal with any weaknesses in the relationship - real or imagined.

People who practice engulfment sometimes put immense pressure on family, friends and partners to behave in a way that puts them at the center of their world. They may demand time, resources, commitment and devotion from a family member or partner beyond what is healthy. Relationships with outsiders, family and friends may be seen as threats and be frowned upon, resulting in Alienation. Certain lifestyle habits or routines, such as work, hobbies, interests which take a Non-PD's attention and energy away from the PD-sufferer may appear threatening to them. Acts of independence by that person may be met with begging, argument, threats, even acts of retribution and violence.

Ironically, when a person deploys an engulfment approach to managing a relationship they are more likely to become less attractive to the other person and drive them further away emotionally as they speak, act and make decisions in ways that are increasingly dysfunctional. As a result, engulfment is often visible in an cyclical or intermittent basis rather than on a continuous basis as the emotional temperature of the relationship ebbs and flows. It is sometimes the case that a person with a personality disorder will follow a cyclical pattern between engulfment and rejection known as Push-Pull.

Examples:

A man tells a woman he would kill himself if she left him.
A mother refuses to take care of herself and expects her children to assume the parental role.
A young adult becomes desperate to marry a person he/she has only recently met.
A man stalks or becomes violent towards a woman after she tries to end the relationship

What it feels like:

Engulfment can be a frightening, threatening and exhausting experience for the victim.

People who are on the receiving end of engulfment may find themselves compromising other relationships or competing interests in order to "keep the peace" with a partner or family member who is embroiled in engulfment. They may fear the consequences of displaying independent thought or action. They may fear violence, intimidation or rage if they do not give the person what they want. They may long to leave the relationship but be afraid of the consequences if they do.

If you are on the receiving end of engulfment you may feel your own life ebbing away as you focus your energy and attention on giving another person what they demand. You may find yourself longing for a "two-way street" relationship where your efforts are reciprocated. You may fantasize about being free but be too afraid to make an escape. You may feel a commitment or obligation to your relationship with the PD-sufferer and feel that loyalty and honor require you to stay in the relationship and try to help the person to a better place.

What NOT to Do:

When you are dealing with engulfment-

Don't ignore any acts of violence or threats of violence or self harm. Avoid the tendency to write off threatening language as "just talk". Most victims of domestic violence have written off incidents and haven't seen "the worst" yet. Report it to the authorities immediately every time. That is the only effective way to protect yourself and make it stop.
Don't give up any healthy relationships with family, friends and acquaintances or let them slip away because of pressure from another person.
Don't give up a good job, good habits, career, hobbies or interests for the sake of another person. What is good for you makes you stronger and is good for your loved-ones. True Love never asks a person to sacrifice something that is good for them.
Don't go it alone or keep what you are experiencing a secret. Engulfment abuse thrives on isolating a person.

What TO Do:

Learn what you can about the personality disorder your loved-one suffers from, and how that is likely to affect their behavior, their thoughts and their moods.
Talk about it! Talk to trusted friends and family about what you are dealing with. This helps to compare your thinking with other people who can perhaps see things in a different light and can tell you if what you are dealing with sounds reasonable.
Hope for the best but plan for the worst. Develop an emergency plan for any scenario that may include violence or abuse being directed towards or your children.
Report all acts of violence, threats of violence or self harm to the authorities immediately every time.
Maintain your healthy lifestyle and healthy relationships. You will need them. Explain to your loved one gently, if necessary that you have made your decision and that is that and then move ahead. If they really do love you they will be happy to support you in what is good for you.

Entitlement

Definition:

Entitlement - Entitlement or a 'Sense of Entitlement' is an unrealistic, unmerited or inappropriate expectation of favorable living conditions and favorable treatment at the hands of others.

Description:

Because of the elevated highs and lows in mood that people with personality disorders often experience, it is not uncommon for them to attach elevated sense of importance to their own emotional needs. They may appear at times to care only about their own desires and needs at the expense of other people around them or they may habitually prioritize their own needs above those of others. This trait is often referred to as a "sense of entitlement".

Sometimes, people who suffer from personality disorders seem to have a no sense of shame nor scruples. They are not afraid to "make a fool out of themselves", it's always the other who is to blame when something goes wrong. That in-built "what would other people think of me if I did this or said that" can sometimes appear not to exist in them. This makes it more common for them to tread into territory most people would avoid.

The "Compromise Effect"

If you are the type of person who usually tries to meet people halfway, you may be susceptible to giving away too much to people who have a sense of entitlement. That is because if they make 10 unrealistic demands of you, you may be inclined to give away 5, just to satisfy your own sense of fairness. This is known as the "compromise effect" and is frequently demonstrated by parents of spoiled children.

Compromising with a person who has an acute sense of entitlement is a form of Intermittent Reinforcement.

The "Surprise Effect"

If you think - consciously or unconsciously - that you are some kind of princess, rock star, leader or VIP, you'll also tend to think that first class service is your birth right... so you just go there boldly as if you were entitled to be there. And it works! It works through the "surprise effect". Until someone realizes that you are not supposed to be there, that they have let in the wrong people, you have already arrived at your destination and the champagne is sipped.

It works mainly with strangers or very superficial relationships. You can take someone by surprise once, you can force a door to open twice, but you can't go back to the same person with the same game over and over again. People who are closest to those with a sense of entitlement often become somewhat resistant to them. Therefore, they are often on the look out for new friends and acquaintances.

Examples of a Sense of Entitlement:

A mother feeds herself while letting her children go hungry.
A spouse frequently spends money from the joint account on luxury items.
A teenager defiantly uses drugs and expects his parents to bail him out when he gets caught.
A woman shows up at a function or party she has not been invited to.
A middle aged man makes no attempt to save for his retirement and assuming his family will pay for everything.
An irate customer demands products and services that they have not paid for.
An angry parent wants a school to make impractical concessions or arrangements for their child

A Sense of Entitlement is particularly common among people who suffer from Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Histrionic Personality Disorder, Dependent Personality Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder.

What it Feels Like:

The sense of entitlement is often interpreted as selfishness by those who are closest to them. However, the personality-disordered individual may forcefully and even convincingly defend their position. The disconnect often occurs when a person who suffers from the personality disorder feels the need more intensely than is normal for most people - even to a point where they attach a sense of desperation or adopt a crisis response, where immediate bystanders see no crisis and are willing to apply Situational Ethics, sacrificing long term goals for short term relief.

Coping with a Sense of Entitlement:

What NOT to Do:

Don't give in to unrealistic demands just to keep the peace.
Don't expect a personality-disordered person to reciprocate favorable treatment you show them.
Don't try to use logic to argue your way out of it. That will only be interpreted as invalidating their feelings and result in a Circular Conversation.
Don't stay in any situation or room where there is a threat of violence or retribution towards yourself or others.
Don't feel rushed into making or denying commitments or decisions. It's OK to say "I'll have to think about it".
Don't fall into black and white thinking. People with a sense of entitlement also have some legitimate needs and concerns.

What TO Do:

Recognize the characteristics of a sense of entitlement and understand where it comes from.
Accept that you are not going to be able to meet all of the needs of any person. That is especially true for people who have a personality disorder. Give yourself a big pat on the back for all the good things you do.
Take care of your own needs as well as the needs of others. That's not selfish it is just common sense. Try to establish patterns and choices that are healthy in the long run.
Talk to others whom you trust about what is being asked before saying "yes" or "no".

Escape To Fantasy

Definition:

Escape To Fantasy - Escape to Fantasy is sometimes practiced by people who present a facade to friends, partners and family members. Their true identity and feelings are commonly expressed privately in an alternate fantasy world.

Description:

Escaping to fantasy, or imagining an alternate world is a normal activity for most people. From a very young age, we learn to imagine friends, success, opportunity and sometimes we act on that.

Escape to fantasy can sometimes be a healthy, productive way to self-manage depression, disappointment, hardship & lack of opportunity. Some psychologists hypothesize that depression is really a "depressive realism" - a loss of this ability to believe or pretend that things are better than they actually appear.

Escape to fantasy can sometimes be seen in cults and religions where people adopt an alternate persona or begin to believe that they are not responsible for the consequences of their own actions or vulnerable to the actions of others.

Escape to fantasy can be seen in spectator sports, where the spectator aligns their emotional responses to the fortunes of an adopted favorite. They celebrate their victories and feel their defeats as thought they were their own. It can also be seen in some fans of pop stars or movie stars, who emotionally identify with their idol.

Therefore, escape to fantasy can be a normal, healthy human behavior. However, escape to fantasy becomes dysfunctional when it chronically or systematically interferes with an individual's ability or willingness to take responsibility for their own actions and their ability or willingness to make important choices for themselves.

In personality-disordered individuals, escape to fantasy is closely related to Denial and Dissociation, where the individual chronically replaces facts with feelings.

Examples of Escape To Fantasy:

A man spends a significant amount of time and energy cultivating a fictitious online character.
A woman spends significant time planning her future life as a movie star.
A quiet and shy man takes on an alternate aggressive identity when hidden in the anonymity of a sports crowd.
A woman who is withdrawn around her family secretly engages in impulsive promiscuous sexual activities with people unknown to them.
A man asserts that his new religious belief will effortlessly compensate for his destructive behaviors or decisions made.

What it feels like:

Living with a person who chronically escapes to fantasy can make a partner or family member of an abusive individual feel powerless. If their loved-one's actions are not rooted in reality then there is consequently little they can do in the real world to improve the situation.

It's common for abuse victims to retreat into fantasies of their own, where they imagine a better, safer, more successful life for themselves. The danger comes when the abuse victim replaces reality with fantasy on a systematic basis, and thereby denies themselves the opportunity to make constructive choices for themselves or remove themselves from abusive environments. Escape to fantasy is commonly at the root of Enabling in abuse victims.

Learning to Cope:

A little fantasizing can be fun and therapeutic, but the important thing is to base your big and important decisions on reality. A good therapist can help you over time to separate fact from fiction and to identify the opportunities and risks that can impact your quality of life.

What NOT to Do:

Don't feel guilty about your fantasies - they are a normal way to cope with stress and difficulty.
Don't allow fantasies to become accepted truth in your life.
Don't accept responsibility for another person's behavior just because they fantasize their own responsibility away.
Don't assume a person's fantasy is an accurate reflection of what they believe 100% of the time. Many fantasies are temporary mental departures from reality.

What TO Do:

Try to be honest with yourself about what your fantasies are. Work on separating fact from fiction in your own life. A good Therapist can help you with this.
Journaling - or writing them down can help you see them more objectively.
Remember the Clean-up Rule. Clean up your own messes and let others be accountable for cleaning up theirs.

False Accusations and Distortion Campaigns

Definition:

Description:

False Accusations, Distortion Campaigns and Smear Campaigns can all be forms of Baiting, Projection or Proxy Recruitment.

Projection - Projection is the act of attributing one's own feelings or traits onto another person and imagining or believing that the other person has those same feelings or traits.

Examples of False Accusations:

A man accuses his wife of trying to poison him when he gets sick.
A woman accuses her husband of having an affair and tells this to a marriage therapist.
A mother falsely tells friends and neighbors that her daughter has an eating disorder.
A teenager who files a false police report about one of his parents committing child abuse.

It can be a frightening, humiliating and annoying experience when you discover that you are a victim of false accusations. When dealing with personality disordered individuals, the nature of the accusations may seem clever and manipulative or may seem illogical or absurd. However the reaction is usually is the same: there is an overwhelming urge to clear your name and set the record straight.

What NOT To Do:

Non's can sometimes be stunned to discover that the personality disordered individual in their lives completely believes a false reality that they have invented. It is common for Non's to spend a great deal of effort fruitlessly trying to reason, cajole or argue with a personality disordered individual into "snapping out of it", "waking up and smelling the coffee" or "facing the facts". It can be hard for Non's to accept that for a person who is dissociating, the denials they are expressing are the facts - at least at that time - for them.
Under such circumstances, standard communication or negotiation techniques are ineffective - since they are built on the premise that both parties can agree on what the facts are, have the ability to to reason and can work towards a common interest or compromise.
Arguing or trying to reason with a person who is dissociating will typically result in a frustrating Circular Conversation.

What TO Do:

Accept that each person's reality is their own property and everyone has the right to believe what they want to believe, think what they want to think and experience their own world without intimidation, control or persecution. That applies to the personality-disordered individual in your life and it also applies to you. That will mean you may have to "agree to disagree" on important facts, history or conclusions.
Remind yourself that one person's opinion of you does not define you. You are you. Seek out the counsel of wise, caring and supportive people who you can trust to help you rebuild your self-esteem. Visit our Working On Ourselves Page for some ideas.
If someone says something which you believe isn't true, it is appropriate to declare "I don't see it that way". Once!
If you, or any children in your care, are being exposed to abuse of any kind, take appropriate action to protect yourself and your children.
After that it is appropriate to walk away from any further discussion and go about living your life in an emotionally and physically safe, healthy, and productive way.

Favoritism

Definition:

Favoritism - Favoritism is the practice of systematically giving positive, preferential treatment to one child, subordinate or associate among a group of peers.

Description:

Everyone has favorites. No two relationships in this world are identical. Every relationship is as unique as the DNA of the people in the relationship and everyone has some relationships that feel more comfortable, natural or rewarding than others.

Many parents struggle to show equitable treatment to their children who often have different interests, abilities and behavior pattern. Employers typically find a broad spectrum of abilities and attitudes within their staff. Teachers find that some children seem to "get it" easier than others and they aren't able to relate to all of their children in the same way. It is not possible, natural or even healthy to try to squeeze every relationship into a regimented cookie-cutter kind of system of absolute equality. That's life.

For example, some children have better academic performance than their siblings. It would be unkind to force a child who struggled in school to attend the most difficult course in a university or college just because their sister or brother did. Neither would it be kind to deny an academically gifted child access to tertiary education and reach their full potential just because their sibling was academically challenged

Favoritism becomes dysfunctional, however, when it translates into actions and opportunities, resources and liberties are systematically denied or applied inequitably.

People who suffer from personality disorders are particularly susceptible to showing dysfunctional favoritism because they sometimes allow their feelings to override facts. For some people with personality disorders, their feelings are so intense that what they feel about a person or situation gets much more of their attention than what they know about that person or situation and they may distort their objective understanding of a given situation in order to rationalize or justify the way that they feel. This tendency to allow feelings to create facts is sometimes known in psychological circles as dissociation.

Favoritism can occur in all aspects of life, wherever there are relationships. However, it is most clearly demonstrated and can be most destructive when the person showing favoritism has some form of power or authority over others, as occurs in a parent-child, teacher-student and boss-subordinate relationships.

In the workplace, various laws such as The Civil Rights Act of 1964, The Equal Pay Act, The Age Discrimination Act, The Americans with Disabilities Act and The Civil Rights Act of 1991, prohibit discrimination based on ethnic origin, appearance, gender, religion and disability. However, these laws only protect against favoritism which can be objectively verified in a court of law and where an objective criterion for the discriminatory behavior (for example only promoting white men) can be demonstrated. Favoritism based on a person's subjective "gut-feel" judgment about their personality, character or appearance is much harder to regulate or prove in court.

Synonyms for favoritism include preferential differential treatment, prejudice, discrimination, bias & partiality.

Some Examples of Favoritism in the Home:

A parent who systematically singles out one child for special gifts or attention which is not offered to others.
A parent who regularly withholds discipline or undesirable responsibilities such as chores etc. from one child in the family.
A parent who routinely speaks more positively to one child or about one child than the others in the family.

Some Examples of Favoritism in the Workplace:

A boss who offers raises and promotions to one employee who does not demonstrate performance or merit over the others.
A teacher who gives better grades to one student than their work merits.
A boss who routinely assigns more pleasant or desirable tasks and assignments to one employee while giving less desirable jobs to others.
A boss who covers up or shields one employee from responsibility or accountability from their own actions in an inequitable way.
A boss who denies access or time and attention to some employees while giving extensive access to others.

What it Feels Like:

Children who grow up in a family where another child is the favorite may develop trust issues, resentment and low self esteem. Children often blame themselves whenever bad things happen and they may begin to feel worthless, ugly, stupid or incompetent. They may struggle academically and avoid opportunities which are deemed competitive, such as sports. Adult children who have been less than the favorite may struggle with pessimism and resentment in relationships, employment, and peer friendships.

Some children who are victims of parental favoritism may try to prove their worth by becoming over-achievers, often to the detriment of their own aspirations and interests in life.

Children who are victims of parental favoritism often seek validation outside of the home and are somewhat vulnerable to predatory groups and individuals who seek to take advantage of them. Religious cults, criminal gangs, terrorist organizations and thieves and violent or sexual predators often lure their victims by initially offering validation to people who have low self-worth.

Favoritism does not always work to the advantage of the favorite person. For example, children who are favorites of a parent sometimes struggle to mature and form healthy peer relationships. They may miss the opportunity to learn responsibility through their developing years and may make mistakes once the parent is no longer there. Children who are favorites may learn to resent the additional expectations placed on them by the parent, who gives them more attention, scrutiny and less freedom than they give to others. Children who are favorites may also experience the humiliation of infantilization or being treated as younger than their age. They may also feel humiliation at being treated differently from others and they may face resentment from their peers.

Coping with Favoritism - What NOT to Do:

Don't automatically assume that you did anything to deserve the way other people treat you.
Don't accept favoritism as normal, just to "go with the flow". Try to be assertive without being confrontational.
Don't chastise or persecute someone else who has been chosen as a favorite instead of you. They are a victim too.
Don't try to justify your worth by becoming an over-achiever. Don't work yourself harder to earn the love of a parent or family member. Real love is a free gift, it doesn't require people to jump through hoops.
Don't immediately trust everybody or every organization who offers you validation. Save your trust for people who will treat you well and don't have a hidden agenda of their own.
Don't waste your time and energy trying to change another person's opinion of you. That will only lead to circular conversations and thought policing. As painful as it is to admit, you have almost no power or control over another person's thoughts, words and actions.
Don't retaliate or try to hurt a person who shows favoritism to others. Try, as best you can, to disengage from them,

Coping with Favoritism - What TO Do:

Try to base your own opinion of yourself based on your merits - your own set strengths and weaknesses - not on other peoples emotions.
Speak up for what is right when you see injustice. Say it once and then don't say it again or argue about it. Agree to disagree if necessary. Just saying it once can sometimes help.
Get support. Find validating and healthy friendships and relationships where people will appreciate your worth and encourage you to be the best that you can be.
If you are in an employment situation, you might want to try to find an alternate position or another group or employer.
If you are the recipient of inequitable treatment, politely decline the favor and request inclusion of your peers.

Fear of Abandonment

Definition:

Description:

Fear of abandonment is often partnered with an exaggerated sense of dependency on another individual. People who suffer from borderline personality disorder often live in a chronic sense of fear that their world is about to collapse through the abandonment of those closest to them.

Lack of Object Constancy and Separation Anxiety:

Lack of Object Constancy - A lack of object constancy is a symptom of some personality disorders. Lack of object constancy is the inability to remember that people or objects are consistent, trustworthy and reliable, especially when they are out of your immediate field of vision. Object constancy is a developmental skill which most children do not develop until 2 or 3 years of age.

Infants often experience separation anxiety whenever they are separated from a parent, even for a second. They may begin crying unless they are held or unless they can see their parent close by, terrified that they have "lost" their parent. This is known as separation anxiety.

When toddlers become mobile and begin to explore their world, they often begin to take short excursions to explore their environment, turning their attention to an interesting object and checking back with mom or dad every few minutes to feel safe again. As the child develops, the time between "check in's" tends to extend longer. By the time a child is 4 or 5 years old, most children can spend several hours at pre-school or school away from their parents without experiencing significant separation anxiety.

The ability to recognize that although they can not see their parent, that their parent is still "there" and that they are still safe is sometimes referred to as Object Constancy.

Object Constancy is the ability to understand that some things remain constant - even when we can't see them or verify that they are still "there". Object constancy can apply to objects or to relationships. People who suffer from personality disorders sometimes experience a lack or a deficiency in object constancy. This can be at the root of fear of abandonment episodes, as well as dissociative memories, selective amnesia and false accusations.

The irony of the fear of abandonment is that those who act on it often behave in ways that frighten their victims and push them further away.

Examples of Fear of Abandonment:

A spouse who assumes their partner is having an affair without any objective evidence.
A mother who does not allow her teenage child to form romantic or peer relationships.
A boyfriend who calls or texts repeatedly - more than 15 or times in a single day.
A girlfriend who shows up at an office function to which she has not been invited.
A divorcee who stalks his ex-wife after the dissolution of the relationship.

Some examples of statements from people who have a fear of abandonment include:

"You've never loved me."
"I know you are having an affair"
"You prefer <-----> to me."
"You never want to spend time with me."
"I know you want to leave me"
"If you loved me you would <--->"

What it feels like:

While these types of beliefs may seem to do the most harm to the person who is expressing them, what makes the fear of abandonment particularly threatening to those on the receiving end is when the person suffering from the disorder begins to act on the false belief that you are going to abandon them. This can result in sabotage of your other relationships, punishment in the form of retribution (I'll leave you before you leave me or I'll cheat on you before you cheat on me), jealous fits of rage (such as destroying property, hitting, threatening even homicide) emotional withdrawal and self harm (including suicide attempts).

Fear of abandonment often manifests itself as an irrational form of jealousy. The abuser accuses the victim of being unfaithful or of loving other people in an unbalanced or inappropriate way. Pressure is then applied to the victim to cut off contact with the competing family member, friend or "lover".

Coping with Fear of Abandonment:

When faced with abandonment it can be tempting to try to address the root cause by addressing the person's feelings and trying to convince them that they are not accurate. However, when you tell someone that their feelings are inaccurate they generally find it very invalidating, feel like their feelings are unimportant to you and it pours fuel on the fire of their desperation.

Abandonment is one situation where trying to address the root cause of the problem is ineffective. Centuries of genocide and religious persecution have all demonstrated that you can't control what a person believes - or chooses to believe. You can't make a person feel differently and you will live to regret it if you try. Instead, it is generally better to deal with the symptoms - that is the behaviors.

What NOT to do:

Don't try to argue or reason with a person who is experiencing fear of abandonment. Fear of abandonment is a primal emotion they are expressing, like a hungry baby crying for milk. You would have as much success trying to persuade a baby that crying doesn't help.
Don't go out of your way to try to prove you aren't having an affair, or plotting to leave a person who has a fear of abandonment. Their fear is irrational and is unlikely to be resolved by a rational argument.
Don't cave in to the demands of a person who is expressing fear of abandonment, when what they are demanding is not healthy for you or them. Just as a parent has to say no to a crying child, as uncomfortable as that feels, you may sometimes have to say "no" to an unreasonable demand from a person who is experiencing fear of abandonment.
Don't stay in the same room with anyone who threatens to hurt you, any children or themselves. Call the police immediately. You can go back to worry about the psychology once you know everybody is safe.
don't allow yourself to become isolated, or sacrifice things which are god for you in order to try to "prove" your love to someone else. Someone who truly loves you will never require you to prove your love for them. Keep your friends, your job and your support network intact.

What TO do:

You must address safety first - for children yourself, property and for the person with the abandonment issues.
Next, it is important to take stock of the truth and separate what is real from what is not. You will have t do this for yourself as it will not be easy to convince the person expressing abandonment. remember that even people with personality disorders get it right some of the time so don't always discard their concerns just because they have cried wolf too often in the past - but think with clarity - if you can.
Third - you have to consider what is good and healthy for all parties concerned. It does no good to sacrifice your own needs to serve another persons abandonment - specially if it is not based on reality. You need to consider what is good for you AND what is good for the person with the disorder. For example, it isn't good for you to give up your friends or family relationships to try to convince a person with abandonment that you love them. It won't work and it will intensely annoy your friends and family. Neither is it good for you to retaliate in anger - you will just find yourself in a position of having to apologize later and you will just have handed the accusing person evidence that supports their abandonment theory. Consider what is best for both of you - if you can.
Fourth - act on it. You won't get any accolades for following through on what is good judgment from a person who is experiencing abandonment issues - but you will have the satisfaction of knowing you are picking your battles and fixing what you can fix and leaving alone what you can't. You can't fix other peoples feelings. You shouldn't try. You can make good choices for your own life and your children's lives - if you have children - and you will reap the long term rewards of doing that.
Fifth - if you can do all that buy yourself some ice cream and give yourself a bi pat on the back. It's not easy to deal with abandonment and all it's ugly step-sisters. Reward yourself when you have the courage to do the right thing. Tell a trusted friend about it. Take a hot bath, melt a chocolate bar and pour it over a favorite dessert.

Feelings of Emptiness

Definition:

Feelings of Emptiness - Some personality disordered individuals experience a chronic and acute sense of nothingness or emptiness, so that their own existence has little worth or significance outside of the context of strong physical sensations and relationships with others.

Description:

Many people who suffer from personality disorders suffer from an Identity Disturbance that gives them an unstable or insecure sense of self. They may be prone to chronic and acute sense of nothingness or emptiness, so that they feel that their own existence has no worth or significance outside of the context of a strong physical sensation or of a relationship with others.

This can lead to desperate attempts to be in relationships with others - even at great cost, such as episodes of cheating or casual relationships. Being left alone or being ignored by others can be a terrifying prospect to some. This can result in a fear of abandonment or can lead to frantic attempts to create new relationships - even risky ones.

This sense of emptiness can also lead to impulsive behaviors such as picking fights, rages, hysteria, acting out, sabotage etc. in an attempt to create a crisis situation that draws the attentions of others.

In others, the sense of emptiness may be turned inward and result in avoidance, self harm, self-loathing, panic attacks etc. Some incidences of self harm are described by those who do it s an attempt to feel something. There is a need to somehow interact with the outside world in a way that relieves the sense of nothingness or the terror of being alone.

Examples of Feelings of Emptiness:

"Always" & "Never" Statements - "Always" & "Never" Statements are declarations containing the words "always" or "never". They are commonly used but rarely true.

Chaos Manufacture - Chaos Manufacture is the practice of unnecessarily creating or maintaining an environment of risk, destruction, confusion or mess.

Cruelty To Animals - Acts of Cruelty to Animals have been statistically discovered to occur more often in people who suffer from personality disorders than in the general population.

Hysteria - Hysteria is inappropriate over-reaction to bad news or disappointments, which diverts attention away from the problem and towards the person who is having the reaction.

Identity Disturbance - Identity disturbance is a psychological term used to describe a distorted or inconsistent self-view.

Impulsiveness and Impulsivity - Impulsiveness - or Impulsivity - is the tendency to act or speak based on current feelings rather than logical reasoning.

Mirroring - Mirroring is a term which describes imitating or copying another person's characteristics, behaviors or traits.

Panic Attacks - Panic Attacks are short intense episodes of fear or anxiety, often accompanied by physical symptoms, such as shaking, sweats, chills and/or hyperventilating.

Self-Loathing - Self-Loathing is an extreme self-hatred of one's own self, actions or one's ethnic or demographic background.

Testing - Testing is the practice of repeatedly forcing another individual to demonstrate or prove their love or commitment to the relationship.

What it feels like:

It's common for family members and loved-ones of people who suffer from personality disorders to try to help fill the emotional void and try to compensate in the hope that they can help the person feel better. It's common to try a long list of approaches, including nutrition, social activity, religion, organizational approaches, vacations, relocations etc. in an attempt to find that elusive "key" to happiness of a loved-one.

However, this "fix-it" approach is rarely effective, since the underlying problem is often psychological, not circumstantial and when problems recur this can result in the caregiver becoming frustrated and impatient with the personality-disordered individual.

Coping:

If you are sharing a home with someone who suffers from an acute or chronic pathological sense of emptiness you are probably going to have to give up on trying to fix the problem yourself and focus on what is going to help you to cope without the problem being fixed.

What NOT to do:

Don't blame yourself for the situation or how another person feels about their life. Don't take responsibility for their state of mind. You have no control and you didn't create the problem.
Don't blame the person who suffers from the personality disorder for having those feelings. Don't try to thought police them into a better attitude. Each person's feelings are their own property and few people would choose to have a personality disorder.
Don't try to fix the problem. It is not yours to fix.

What TO do:

Learn about personality disorders.
Detach yourself from the feelings of the other person and situation yourself so that you can be happy and safe, regardless of their state of mind.
Focus on behaviors not thoughts. Work on your own boundaries.
Protect yourself from any acting out behaviors that may be going on. Don't stay in a situation where you are being verbally, physically or emotionally abused.
Get support from people who understand what it is like to live with someone who suffers from a personality disorder.

Frivolous Litigation and Frivolous Lawsuits

Definition:

Description:

Firstly, it should be noted that all litigation is not frivolous. Bullies and crooks exist on both sides of the docket and the legal system is designed to listen to both sides and make a determination based on the evidence. When we refer to frivolous litigation, we are discussing legal arguments which are not supported by applicable laws or false testimony which is not supported by credible evidence.

There are a number of infamous legal miscarriages of justice which are often repeated as examples of frivolous litigation in which the plaintiff prevailed. These cases have gained a great deal of public attention and become part of urban folklore. There is even a fake list of "successful" frivolous lawsuits which has become an urban myth, known as the Stella Awards. It should always be remembered that a "gross miscarriage of justice" makes a much more interesting story than a reasonable or wise ruling. Although this is rarely reported, the vast majority of court cases in the US and many other modern, functional democracies result in a reasonable and justifiable ruling by the court.

There are 3 typical goals in frivolous litigation:

To harass another individual with the intent of creating or sustaining a state of conflict.
To plunder or control the resources of another individual or organization.
To avoid or delay or obfuscate legally required payments or access.

Frivolous Litigation is a form of Proxy Recruitment. Proxy Recruitment is a way of controlling or abusing another person by manipulating other people into unwittingly backing you up, speaking for you or "doing your dirty work" for you.

Frivolous Litigation may also be used as a form of harassment or bullying. Harassment is any sustained or chronic pattern of unwelcome behavior from one individual to another. Bullying is any systematic action of hurting a person from a position of relative physical, social, economic or emotional strength.

Some people with personality disorders are drawn towards conflict and will use litigation as a tool to sustain conflict or support their lifestyle.

Sometimes, just the threat of a lawsuit is enough to control a person into behaving in a desired way or to achieve desired outcome. Many people and organizations will surrender significant resources or positions to a litigious bully just to avoid the legal fees, inconvenience and risk of a legal proceeding.

Some Examples of Frivolous Litigation

A parent files a false police report, falsely claiming their that a child using abusive, aggressive or dangerous behavior.
A woman files a restraining order against her ex-boyfriend making false accusations about acts of violence.
A man takes his ex-wife to court with dubious arguments that he should not be required to pay child support.
An employee or client fakes or exaggerates an injury and attempts to extort financial remuneration from an organization.

What it feels like

If you are on the receiving end of a lawsuit or court proceeding litigation from a person who suffers from a personality disorder, your primary emotion is probably fear. You are probably already familiar with the kinds of accusations that are leveled against you. Your primary concern is likely to be "what if the judge believes it?"

What NOT to do

Don't engage a litigious person directly or in person. Don't react or retaliate. You may be giving them the conflict they want
Don't believe everything a person with a personality disorder claims about the strength of their case. It is quite common for them to lie, exaggerate or embellish.
Don't assume that a judge will believe everything they are told by a litigious person.
Don't be pressured into giving up or agreeing to something that is important without getting legal advice first.
Don't get your legal advice from well-intentioned friends and family who are untrained in the law.

What TO do:

Get sound legal advice from a reputable attorney. Most people think nothing of spending $200-$300 to fix their car but many avoid spending as much to get the peace of mind that comes from knowing what the law actually says about their situation.
Gather and keep documentation that supports the truth and may be used as evidence if and when you need it.
Keep all communications with a litigious person to an absolute minimum, professional and written only. Send via an attorney if possible.

It's important to understand in any legal proceeding that an accusation is not the same thing as evidence. Testimony from a plaintiff and a defendant is important in framing the conflict for the judge - but usually provides little more than "he said/she said" evidence which is not objective.

Evidence from third party witnesses is viewed as more objective in most courts, especially if it comes from trained professionals who do not have a stake in the case such as police, doctors, social workers, school teachers etc.

Documentary evidence carries the most weight. Signed statements, financial records, contracts, letters, affidavits, etc. are all very helpful in establishing credibility

Gaslighting

Definition:

Description:

Gaslight is a classic suspense thriller set in nineteenth-century London. In the movie, Paula (Ingrid Bergman) marries the villainous Gregory Anton (Charles Boyer), not realizing that he is the one who murdered her aunt and is now searching for her missing jewels.

To cover up his treachery, he tries to persuade Paula that she is going mad, so he can search the attic for the jewels without her interference.. He plants missing objects on her person in order to make her believe that she has no recollection of reality. He tries to isolate her, not allowing her to have visitors or to leave the house. However, she uncovers the truth when she notices the dimming of the gaslight. See Movie Clip Here.

From the movie, the term "Gaslighting" has come to mean any form of manipulating a person into believing something other than the truth.

Examples:

A family member who steals something from you tries to convince you that it belongs to them.
A person acts threateningly, then accuses you of abuse when you react in self-defense.
A spouse tries to persuade you that you said or did something that you know is inaccurate.

What Gaslighting feels like:

Gaslighting can be a terrifying experience. It can quickly put you on the defensive - trying to justify your own actions or behaviors - when you started out by challenging someone else's questionable behavior. The fabrications spoken to you may be presented so convincingly and with such conviction that you begin to question yourself and your own memories and judgment. You may begin to fear that other people - who don't know the truth - might be persuaded believe some of the distortions that are being told.

What NOT to Do:

Don't equate intelligence with character - just because someone can run rings around you in an argument doesn't mean they are right.
Don't waste your time trying to convince someone who has already made up their mind about you that they should reconsider.
Don't argue with a person who is fabricating the facts. Wait for them to return to reality before engaging them in a discussion and do it on YOUR terms - not theirs.
Don't allow yourself to be isolated from others against our own better judgment. Insist on your right to have your own friends and family.
Don't blame yourself for what the other person is feeling or how they are behaving. Don't look for ways to change yourself to try to fix another person. As the old mantra says: "You didn't cause it, you can't cure it and you can't control it". You are only responsible for your own words and actions.
Don't stay in the room if the situation becomes physically, verbally or emotionally unhealthy.
Don't go it alone or keep what you are experiencing a secret.

What TO Do:

Remind yourself that this is a mental illness and your not to blame.
Detach yourself from being responsible for how another person is feeling, behaving or thinking.
Turn your attention on your own behavior and your own thought patterns. Discard the unhealthy and learn what is healthy for yourself and pursue it - regardless of what reaction you get from the person with the personality disorder.
Talk about it! Talk to trusted friends and family about what you are dealing with.
If you are ever confronted with violence or abuse, get yourself and any children immediately out of the room and call for help. Report all acts of violence, threats of violence or self harm to the police immediately every time.
Maintain your healthy lifestyle and thought life. You will need them. If necessary, explain to your loved-one gently, but firmly that you are doing what you need to do for yourself and then close the conversation

Harassment

Definition:

Harassment - Harassment is any sustained or chronic pattern of unwelcome behavior from one individual to another.

Description:

What makes a behavior harassment is if it is:

a repeating pattern
under the control of the person doing it and
unwelcome to the person on the receiving end.

Harassment may be intentional or unintentional. The state of mind of the person exhibiting the unwelcome behavior is not what determines whether a repeated behavior is harassment or not. The person on the receiving end is the one who determines whether the behavior is welcome or unwelcome, acceptable or unacceptable.

In other words, if you feel harassed - you are harassed.

Examples of harassment

Verbal - Chronic criticism, humiliation, slander or gossip.
Sexual - Unwelcome advances, touching, gestures or comments.
Intimidation or indirect violence - breaking or destroying objects, self harm, cruelty to animals or other people in the sight of the victim.
Bullying - hurting or threatening to hurt the victim physically, economically or emotionally
Stalking - unwelcome attention or interaction, refusing to leave a person alone when asked, following, calling, or making unwelcome contact.
Hazing - Tormenting a person under the guise of a joke, rite of passage or other "playful" ritual.
Harassment by proxy - influencing others to act in an unwelcome way, including filing frivolous legal complaints, police reports, medical procedures, domestic abuse complaints, sexual abuse accusations etc.

Many chronic cases of harassment are maintained by the perpetrator below a level that will get them into trouble. For example, many harassers will back off if the threat of legal trouble, loss of employment or public embarrassment exists. Consequently, secrecy and control of the victim are some of the favorite tools in a harasser's toolbox used to maintain the status quo.

Harassment is a form of abuse. It is particularly dangerous because it tends to become sustained and do damage over the long term. Shocking or "severe" cases of abuse are often dealt with swiftly through the intervention of law enforcement officials and the mental health community. However, so-called "milder" cases of abuse are sometimes left untreated, un prosecuted, ignored or undiscovered. Left unchallenged, harassing behaviors tend to be repeated, especially when there is no negative consequence for the perpetrator. Over time, the victim may be subjected a "death of 1000 cuts".

What it feels like

People who are victims of harassment often stay that way because they feel powerless do do anything about their abuse. reasons for feeling powerless include:

The victim does not know who they can talk to and be taken seriously.
The victim fears that their situation is not "serious enough" to warrant the concern of others.
The victim is embarrassed to say anything for fear that they will be ridiculed or regarded as "over-reacting".
The victim fears being blamed for the conflict by outsiders.
The victim desires friendship with the perpetrator and believes that challenging their behavior will create a permanent rift.
The victim fears retribution from the perpetrator if they speak up.
The victim feels that it is the loving or "right thing to do" to "turn the other cheek"and absorb the faults of their loved one.
The victim believes that they are responsible for their loved-ones behavior.

Many victims of harassment live with a profound sense of defeat and/or shame - afraid to break the silence and afraid of what the future may hold. Afraid of doing something and afraid of doing nothing. They are compelled by their situation to choose between the lesser of two evils - the hardship of speaking up and the hardship of staying silent. There is no easy option. Neither one is attractive.

What NOT to do:

If you are feeling harassed by another person:

Don't blame yourself for the offensive way another person is behaving. You are responsible for your own behavior and your own reactions - not someone else's.
Don't try to convince yourself "I can handle it", or "I can take it". You are drinking poison. No amount of mental steel will stop you from getting sick.
Don't keep quiet about it. Inevitably, sooner or later it's all going to come out. It might as well be on your terms, when you have control, with your dignity intact.
Don't retaliate or argue back - this will rarely get you a satisfactory resolution with an abuser and soliciting a reaction from you may be their original intent.
Don't repeat a complaint about the way you are being treated to a person who ignored you the first time.

What TO do:

Politely - but firmly - ask the person exhibiting the unwelcome behavior to stop. Once and once only.
Talk to a friend and have them accompany you while you say it.
Document any unwelcome behaviors accurately and in detail - times, dates, who said/did what.
Report what you have documented to anyone in a position of authority, including police, supervisors, teachers, pastors, parents etc as appropriate.
Politely and assertively remove yourself (and any innocents) from the presence of a harasser in as far as it is within your power to do so. A person can't harass you if you are not there. Depending on your situation that could mean:
- ending a conversation
- leaving a room or a building.
- exiting a relationship
- changing a routine
- getting a restraining order
- calling the police

High-Functioning and Low-Functioning

Definition:

High and Low-Functioning - A High-Functioning Personality-Disordered Individual is one who is able to conceal their dysfunctional behavior in certain public settings and maintain a positive public or professional profile while exposing their negative traits to family members behind closed doors. A Low-Functioning Personality-Disordered Individual is one who is unable to conceal their dysfunctional behavior from public view or maintain a positive public or professional profile.

Low-Functioning - A Low-Functioning Personality-Disordered Individual is one who is unable to conceal their dysfunctional behavior from public view or maintain a positive public or professional profile.

Description:

Contrary to a popular myth, personality disorders have little correlation with intelligence. People who suffer from personality disorders span the spectrum of IQ from the lowest to the highest.

High-Functioning Personality-Disordered Individuals are those who are able to keep up appearances outside of the home and participate in society convincingly in the workplace, in social groups, in churches and organizations. Some high functioning personality-disordered individuals are leaders in their field of work, politicians, CEO's, teachers, church elders, police officers, judges etc. However, they may exhibit a very different set of behaviors behind closed doors.

Living with a High-Functioning Personality-Disordered Individual can be frustrating because there may be little support and validation from people outside the home, who may assume that what they see on the outside is a reflection of what goes on behind closed doors.High-Functioning Personality-Disordered Individuals may use their success in the public world as a way to bolster the opinion that there is nothing wrong with them and that any conflict within the home cannot be their fault. You may find yourself thinking "Everybody thinks I'm so lucky but nobody knows what this is really like." In reality there are many people who do know what it is like, but it's not the kind of thing that many people are willing to talk about openly in public.

Low-Functioning Personality-Disordered Individuals are at the opposite end of the spectrum, unable to hide their behaviors from public view. Examples include people who are reclusive, long-term unemployed, chronically depressed, people who are institutionalized in psychiatric facilities, people with alcohol & drug addictions or people who are repeatedly in trouble with law enforcement. Note that none of these conditions is necessary or sufficient for the diagnosis of a personality disorder, but someone who has been diagnosed with a personality disorder and also exhibits one of these traits might be considered "low-functioning".

Living with a Low-Functioning Personality-Disordered Individual can be frustrating because you may feel that you are being taken advantage of and you are doing all the hard work while the person with the personality disorder complains and puts demands on you while doing nothing to improve their own situation. You may also suffer from depression yourself as you torture yourself with the thought "How did I get stuck with such a loser?" In reality what sometimes keeps us stuck is our own sense of FOG- Fear Obligation & Guilt - in which we convince ourselves that we can't afford to make the changes necessary to unstick ourselves.

It is not unusual for some people with personality disorders to flip between periods of high-functioning and low-functioning behavior. This is very similar to people who suffer from Bipolar Disorder and may in some cases be indicative of Bipolar Disorder. Another common occurrence is for a personality-disordered individual to live with a kind of "split-personality" where in certain environments or situations they behave in a high-functioning manner and in others in a low-functioning manner. See our pages on Selective Competence and Selective Memory for more Information.

Hoarding

Definition:

Hoarding - Hoarding is the practice of accumulating items to an extent that it becomes detrimental to quality of lifestyle, comfort, security or hygiene.

Description:

Hoarding is a practice which seems inexplicable to people who do not feel the urge to do it, but to some who suffer from personality disorders, hoarding is a normal way of life.

Some hoarders accumulate selectively, choosing items which bring emotional comfort. Other hoarders cast a wider net, collecting a wide variety of items, things which represent value, security, or other emotional need.

Collecting and gathering is a natural instinct in all creatures - especially those that have learned how to survive through long periods of scarcity such as long winter, drought, monsoon, flood, crop failures, pestilence, etc. Most of us at some point in our lives have enjoyed the pleasure of building a collection -often a collection of items which are of little survival significance. People collect things like leaves, books, statues, photographs, coins all the time.

Hoarding becomes dysfunctional, however, when the practice of hoarding becomes a hazard or source of discomfort, fear or pain to the person who hoards, or the people who have to live with them.

Hoarding, is sometimes known as disposophobia - the fear of disposal.

People who hoard often live in homes with piles of objects on every available surface, including functional surfaces such as sinks, counter tops, stoves, baths, toilets etc.

Hoarding behaviors are common among those who suffer from obsessive compulsive disorder and obsessive compulsive personality disorder.

Examples of Hoarding:

A man who stores piles of objects in the house preventing passage to certain areas of the house, floor or functional areas like bathroom, kitchen sink etc.
A woman who refuses to discard trash objects, unused items, waste products, broken appliances - even rotting food from the house.
Bibliomania - the obsessive collection of books.
Animal Hoarding - the obsessive collection of tens or dozens of pets - often in an unhygienic or unsafe way - see also Animal Cruelty.

What it Feels Like:

If you live with a hoarder, you probably feel powerless. You have probably tried every logical argument in the book to try to convince your loved-one that what they do is of no benefit to them, that what they do is a threat to them, that what they do is a problem for you and for others.

You may appeal to their sense of decency, you might have tried to pour a little guilt on them, you might threaten to leave, threaten to retaliate, threaten them with public ridicule or rejection, all to no avail.

You may even have tried a more aggressive approach. You may have taken control when they are not around, throwing items in the trash, destroying stockpiles of medicines, papers, objects, minutia. This can lead to an aggressive response in retaliation, or it can lead to a passive response in the form of replacement of the removed articles with other stuff. Either way, the lesson you are trying to teach goes unlearned.

You may have tried a more passive or supportive approach, only to find your true anger and your true desires spilling out in the most unpredictable, often uncontrolled ways. You may even find yourself later apologizing to the hoarder for your own bad behavior, all the while feeling trapped because you are actually apologizing to a person who is chronically mistreating you and yet offers no apology for it.

Learning To Cope:

It's important to understand that the value system and thought process of a hoarder or a person who suffers from a personality disorder is likely to be radically different from yours. Therefore value-based or logic-based arguments tend to be ineffective. People who hoard do so because there is some emotional value derived from the hoarding which is greater to them than the associated cost.

You will have to accept the person is a hoarder and your best efforts or greatest demonstration of logic is not going to change their value system. In fact, the harder you try to change them, the more entrenched they are likely to become, even if they themselves wish they weren't that way.

So you are going to have to consider your needs independently of theirs. You absolutely have a right to protect yourself and your children from hazardous situations and conditions. You also have the right to live in a comfortable and relatively clean environment. However, you do not have the right to force others to live that way. Therefore, your only option is to begin to work on boundaries that will create for you a safe and comfortable place to live

What NOT to Do

Don't try to fix a hoarder. It's their job to fix themselves if and when they see the need.
Don't threaten, beg, bargain or try to nag a hoarder to change. These are all common symptoms of your own denial of the real situation.
Don't try to gain control or thought police the person who is a hoarder. It's important to respect their right to think and feel what they want while protecting your own boundaries.
Don't try to convince yourself you can live in an unclean or unsafe environment if you can't. That is likely to result in passive aggressive behavior of your own and not end well. Move yourself to a safe place.
Don't try to ignore the problem or assume it will just naturally go away or that they will "grow out of it". It's very rare for people's personality to change significantly with time.
Don't take an aggressive approach by taking violent or physically aggressive steps. That will backfire.
Don't blame yourself for the situation or accept responsibility for another person's bad decisions.

What TO Do

Talk to friends who understand and who know about personality disorders. Surround yourself with support and a nurturing environment.
Understand and accept that personality disorders are real mental disorders and that you can't just fix them with simple persuasive techniques
Learn about my stuff & your stuff.
Learn how to set up and maintain effective boundaries to protect yourself while respecting the right of the person who suffers from the personality disorder to think differently.
Move yourself and any children to a clean, comfortable, safe and healthy living environment.
Leave the responsibility for cleaning up the mess to the person who created the mess.

Holiday, Anniversary & Memory Triggers

Definition:

Holiday, Anniversary & Memory Triggers - Mood Swings in personality disordered individuals are often triggered or amplified by emotional events such as family holidays, significant anniversaries and events which trigger emotional memories.

Description:

Certain holidays and anniversaries tend to trigger emotional memories that make people who suffer from personality disorders more susceptible to riding the emotional elevator up and down. These can include:

Holiday Triggers such as:

Birthdays
Christmas
Thanksgiving
Valentine's Day
Religious Holidays

Anniversary Triggers such as Anniversaries of:

Weddings
Engagements
Romantic Events
Deaths
Accidents
Break-ups
Divorce

Emotional Memory Triggers such as:

Visits to old locations
Visits with distant family or friends.
Hearing old music from an emotional time.
Seeing old movies.
Eating certain foods that remind of the past.
Viewing old photographs & videos
Chance sights, sounds, tastes and smells that bring back emotional memories of the past and trigger an emotional response.

When we remember something, our minds store not just the events, hard facts and data but also the emotions - the way we felt - when we stored that memory.

Therefore when we recall old memories, we are recalling more than just the facts, we are also recalling the way we felt at the time we stored that memory and we feel those same feelings again.

This helps explain why some bad memories are painful to remember and why some good memories make us feel good to remember. In our minds, we are recreating some of those feelings again.

For this reason, some people who suffer from personality disorders and struggle with emotional regulation are particularly susceptible to extreme mood swings when triggered by emotional events and anniversaries.

Examples of Holiday, Anniversary and Event Triggers

A mother invites her grown child's family for Christmas dinner but then becomes hostile when they arrive.
A man becomes suddenly gloomy and sarcastic when a certain song plays on the radio.
A wife gives her husband the silent treatment on their wedding anniversary although he has done nothing to deserve it.
A father forbids his children to talk about their loved, deceased grandparent.

What it Feels Like:

When a person with a personality disorder is triggered by an emotional memory it can be frightening and confusing for those close to them. You may ask yourself: "What did I say or do that caused him/her to react like that?" You may even begin to try to make amends for whatever weaknesses or flaws in yourself that you assume must be to blame. This can lead to even further frustration if your efforts to correct the problem are not met with appreciation by the personality disordered individual.

Alternately, you may find yourself becoming hostile towards the personality-disordered individual because they are treating you poorly according to the way they feel and not as you deserve. This hostility can lead to increased conflict.

Coping with Holiday Triggers

Many Non-PD's struggle in the run up to holidays and anniversaries with the anticipation that the personality-disordered individual in their family may take advantage of the opportunity to act out. Many feel a sense of FOG - fear, obligation and guilt as they consider how to get through it and whether to throw in the towel and skip the holiday and face the consequences of taking such a stand.

What NOT to do:

Don't blame yourself for the way another person treats you.
Don't take responsibility for fixing another person's bad behavior or personality disorder.
Don't try to measure up to an unrealistic standard of what your family should be and try to plough ahead with holiday plans as though nothing is wrong. This is only likely to result in disillusionment.
Don't put yourself in a position where you have to spend an entire weekend or an entire day with a disordered relative at the holidays. Plan visits with a limited time and a safe exit.
Don't allow yourself to become isolated in a dysfunctional environment.

What TO do:

Plan any holiday visits with a limited time and a safe exit.
On holiday visits, consider staying at a hotel rather than at home with a dysfunctional family member. That allows you to leave if things get ugly.
Remember that holidays are just another day. What makes them different is just the emotion that people attach to them. Therefore there is no obligation for you to protect yourself any less.
Figure out what you really want to do on special holidays and anniversaries and give yourself permission to do that. In a healthy environment , your priorities should not take a back seat to anyone else's.

Some Additional Tips for Non-PD's on Surviving the Christmas Holidays:

by MoGlow:

1. Severely limit the time spent one on one with any pd relative/friend/loved one. Know going in that their already limited stress management skills will be pushed to the max. Sometimes a big group can be a really good thing - you can get lost in the crowd! Set your own limit on certain visits - spend double the travel time with them, share a meal, then go home.

2. Understand that some things are inevitable - the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior. You've seen holiday "performances" before: Someone will have a meltdown. Someone will get their feelings hurt. Someone will feel more lonely or left out than usual and need extra hugs. Someone will do whatever it takes to bring everyone's attention back to THEM. Someone will be a complete and utter pain. And sometimes it's all one person, all at the same time.

3. Drive or have your own transportation to events where those certain someone's will be in attendance. Understand you can and should leave if you can't handle it any longer - don't be anyone's punching bag or doormat just for the sake of "keeping the peace." Go to them instead of having them come to you - then you can leave when you want to instead of trying to figure out how to get them out of your house!

4. Make sure you know when and where you're supposed to be and allow yourself plenty of time to get ready. If you're rushed, you'll be stressed. If you're stressed, tempers will flare. And someone will feed on that.

5. Sleep. Eat as normally as possible. Limit (or eliminate) alcohol intake. Hug your spouse, children, pets, friends. Share the true joys of the Season.

From the OOTF Support Forum: http://forum.outofthefog.net/topic/7302500

Hoovering

Definition:

Description:

The Hoovering metaphor comes from the popular Hoover brand of vacuum cleaners. Hoovering describes how a non-personality-disordered person, while attempting to escape an abusive situation, gets sucked back into the status quo.

Hoovering commonly occurs:

After an emotional outburst, violence or other extreme period of abuse when the victim is most likely to leave, retaliate or seek help from others.
When the victim starts to pull away from the relationship, leave the relationship or establish firmer boundaries within the relationship.
When the abuser internally feels unworthy and fears the loss of the relationship.

A hoovering abuser may shower their victim with gifts, compliments, promises, demonstrations of love and affection in order to persuade the victim to maintain the status quo.

Hoovering is one of the key components of an Abusive Cycle. Without Hoovering, most abusers would be living alone. Hoovering is the "plus side" to many abusers that makes an abusive relationship seem worthwhile to many victims and sustains abusive relationships over the long term.

Hoovering requires two willing parties to be effective - the person doing the hoovering and the person who allows themselves to be abused and then drawn back in - who is willing to sacrifice their own personal boundaries for the sake of preserving the relationship or keeping the peace. Unfortunately the peace is typically short lived.

What it feels like:

Hoovering feels good! And that's the point! When you are being hoovered, your buttons are all getting pushed, your feelings are getting validated, your needs are being met, your wildest dreams are coming true, your opinions matter, you are the most important person in the world to that certain person,

Hoovering often feels like vindication, You might find yourself thinking "Finally! The message is getting through! I'm not crazy after all! Now THAT is what I'm talking about!" But watch out...

When you are starving for any emotional food, just about any kind of personal validation tastes wonderful, but you must remember that not everything that tastes delicious is nutritious.

Manipulative abusers are often adept at giving their victims enough of what they want to keep them where they want them. Even slave owners know hey have to feed them enough to keep them healthy and productive.

But how do I know if a hoover is 'real"?

Many Non-personality disordered people struggle with trying to tell whether a hoover really is a hoover, or if it is a sincere attempt at change by the personality-disordered person whom they care about.

The mistake in that logic is that it assumes that it can't be both. Many abusers and personality-disordered people really are sincere and really are trying when they also are hoovering. People who are hoovering you may not be consciously trying to manipulate you or deceive you. They may sincerely be trying, even hoping, to make it "better this time". They may not be consciously lying when they make promises of change and put them into practice. They may be so convincing because they are so convinced.

You are going to have to be like the adult in a parent-child relationship, who listens to their child's black-and-white promises of great expectations or of "I'll never talk to him/her again" and says "Hmm, we'll wait and see".

If you're not sure if you're being hoovered you should wait and see. Take the long-term view. A person's character is like an average of their behaviors over their lifetime. People can and do make positive changes in their lives sometimes, deciding to change their behavior for the better. Wait a year and see.

Coping with Hoovering:

If somebody who has been treating you abusively starts to treat you well, there's no harm in letting them knock themselves out and give yourself a break, but you must be careful not to take the bait to erode your boundaries, settle for less than you deserve, stop doing things that are healthy for you or stop exercising your own independence.

What NOT to do:

Don't change any of your boundaries or allow them to be broken during a hoover.
Don't relax or give up on any consequences of previous poor decisions for the abuser.
Don't stop any healthy activities or relationships you may be engaged in elsewhere.
Don't assume the hoover will last forever.
Don't use a hoover to bargain for a better life. You are setting up the abuser to break a promise and setting yourself up for a disappointment.

What TO do:

Remember that mood swings are a normal part of a number of personality disorders and that what goes up must come down.
Accept that highs and lows are a part of a everyone's emotional life and that, for a personality-disordered person, those may be more intense and lead swings in behavior.
Maintain all your healthy lifestyle habits and relationships with others.
Take the long-term view. Wait a year.
Get yourself off the roller coaster. Position yourself so that your safety and happiness isn't dependent on a personality-disordered person's mood.

Hyper Vigilance

Hyper Vigilance - Hyper Vigilance is the practice of maintaining an unhealthy level of interest in the behaviors, comments, thoughts and interests of others.

Examples of Hyper Vigilance

A man spends several hours analyzing a casual comment made by an acquaintance.
A woman spends 2 hours per day preparing her appearance before leaving the house.
A man drives 2 miles out of his way to avoid driving past the home of a person who knows him.
A woman suddenly begins to ignore a person who they were previously engaged in conversation with when another acquaintance steps into the room.
A man reads about a disease in a magazine and immediately suspects that he suffers from it.

What It Feels Like:

If you are in a relationship with a hyper vigilant person you are probably familiar with the frustration of watching vast quantities of personal energy and time being squandered over seemingly trivial events and the opinions of others. You may find yourself biting your lip to keep the peace some of the time only to explode in frustration with an angry tirade. This rarely results in a change in your situation.

What NOT To Do:

Don't spend your energy trying to fix or change a hyper-vigilant person.
Don't thought-police or chastise them for their personal choices. Their thoughts are their own property - and yours are yours.
Don't give in to any pressure to conform to a standard that is unrealistic or unattainable.
Don't apologize for being yourself
Don't isolate yourself or succumb to the pressure to become isolated.

What TO Do:

Maintain healthy outside interests and recreation.
Spend some time every day away from the attentions and the observations of a hyper vigilant person.
Be yourself regardless of how much approval or disapproval you get from a personality disordered individual.
Get support form others who understand personality disorders and understand what you are going through.

Hysteria - Being a Drama Major or Drama Queen

Definition:

Hysteria - Hysteria is inappropriate over-reaction to bad news or disappointments, which diverts attention away from the problem and towards the person who is having the reaction.

Description:

Many people enjoy 15 minutes of fame. But for a Drama Major or Drama Queen, obtaining and holding other people's attention is more than a flight of fancy - it is something which they seek out using a systematic approach.

The goal of a hysterical person is to draw attention to themselves and to their plight - primarily from people who do not know them well and who are more likely to present a sympathetic response. Basically, it is a way to manipulate strangers into serving a person's emotional need.

There is nothing inherently dysfunctional about desiring other people's attention. However, attention seeking becomes dysfunctional when it includes:

Hurting yourself or other people.
Neglecting or abusing children.
Breaking promises or not following through on commitments.
Diverting money, resources, support or people's attention away from others who need it more.
Preventing or impeding practical solutions or compromises from being implemented.

Everyone does some of these things some of the time. What makes a person Histrionic is if they do these kind of things habitually, chronically, or intermittently often.

Examples of Hysteria & Melodramatic Behavior

A parent who needs more attention at the emergency room than their injured child.
A cousin who starts an argument with relatives while the bride and groom are cutting the cake.
A widower who needs to be carried out of the church behind the coffin at a funeral.
A parent who rushes their child to the hospital with a minor complaint.
A person who habitually speaks above conversational level in the room, forcing other conversations to break off.
Someone who shops around to find a doctor who will treat them or one of their children for a fictitious ailment. (See Munchausen & Munchausen by Proxy)
A man who habitually calls the police when no-one is at risk.
A woman who begins flirting with or kissing other men in front of her boyfriend.
A person who calls or shows up unannounced when they have been politely asked not to.
A person who gossips.
A person who tries to "outdo" others in their dress code.
A man who threatens a lawsuit when a waiter spills his coffee.
Someone who gravitates towards a state of crisis.

Hysterical people take everyday situation and elevate them to a level that is inappropriate, unhelpful and diversionary. They may sometimes appear more comfortable in a crisis than in a calm situation. They are the kind of people who threaten, bluster, overreact, take it up a notch, go to extremes. They are like black holes for other people's emotional energy. Like emotional addicts, they are constantly seeking another "fix" of sympathy, admiration, envy, respect, significance and attention.

The irony of hysteria is that it often diverts resources away from solving real problems and onto the person who is acting hysterical.

People who know a hysterical person well are often inclined to become suspicious of them over time and withdraw their support. When this happens, hysterical people are commonly driven to recruit new sympathizers. It's not uncommon for people who suffer from HPD to recruit whole new sets of friends every year or so. There may be a tendency to idealize these friends while they are new and sympathetic and to devalue them when they become withdrawn.

What it Feels Like:

If you are a companion or family member to a drama major, you are probably suffering from crisis fatigue. You probably yearn just to be a "normal" couple or a "normal" family instead of one that constantly has a crisis going on. You may long for mundane days, ordinary affairs, predictable events. You may wish you could just become invisible and let some other household get all the attention. In public, you may be wishing you could carry a sign that says "I'm not really like them" - except that to do so would just draw more attention.

You may find yourself trying to "clean up" the mess behind your loved-one. You may be familiar with the impossible task of trying to appear as though you are a reasonable rational human being and you understand other people's skepticism about your loved-one's behaviors while at the same time trying to show support for you loved-one so it doesn't look like you are just another crazy.

You may feel humiliated by their behavior. You may wonder what people must think of you and you may be thinking that people assume you're probably at least half as bad as them.

The good news - most discerning people can differentiate between the characters that make up a family. Think of a family you know that has "issues". Do you regard them all the same - or are there some you respect more than others from within that family?

The bad news - most people will never tell you what they really think of your family member or partner, for fear that you might take it the wrong way and reject them. Unless you make the first move - such as move out or file for divorce and declare your independence most people will never tell you what they really think about the drama major or drama queen in your house. After you move out, a number of people will be only too happy to tell you what they always thought - once there is no personal risk for them to do so.

Coping with Hysteria

While you may find a Drama Major or Drama Queen's behavior exhausting and frustrating, if you step in and try to control them or try to stand between them and the attention they crave, you will have about as much success as a concerned parent who tries to keep their teenage addict away from their next fix. You will not be successful and you will get hurt in the process.

Unlike cocaine or heroin, attention is not a controlled substance. And seeking or grabbing attention is not a crime. Therefore you are not going to be able to find a legitimate way to limit the attention another human being chooses to draw to themselves. You will have to let them have it.

Your next question is to consider yourself and others. If this person in your life is addicted to attention - and there is nothing you can do to stop them, how is this hurting any children involved and how is this hurting you?

If they are hurting children by their behaviors, then it is appropriate to try to protect those children - especially if you are their other parent. If you are not their parent then you are limited in what you can realistically do - beyond reporting any child abuse concerns to the authorities and offering those children a supportive environment whenever you are around them.

If they are hurting you, then you need to consider protecting yourself. This begins by working on your own boundaries and being willing to consider removing yourself from any environment that is not healthy for you, if and when appropriate.

What NOT to do:

Don't stand between a drama major and the attention they crave. You might as well stand in front of a freight train.
Don't try to "talk sense" into a drama major. You can't fight addiction with logic.
Don't assume the responsibility of fixing a person who has a dysfunctional addiction. Your job is to protect the innocents and yourself.
Don't try to "cover" for a drama major. People are smart and will draw draw their own conclusions regardless of your efforts.
Don't blame yourself for a drama major's behavior. They are feeding an addiction and you are peripheral to that.

What TO do:

Protect yourself and any innocents from harm, in so far as it is within your power to do so.
Promptly report any incidents of neglect or child abuse to the authorities.
Talk to trusted friends about what you are experiencing. Level with them so they will be comfortable in telling you what they can see and help you to see things "from the outside looking in".
Detach yourself from feeling responsible for a loved-ones behavior. Let it go. You are not responsible for their actions. You are only responsible for the way you have behaved. Resolve that you are going to detach yourself from anybody else's behavior and just be responsible for your own behavior from now on.
Forgive yourself for your past mistakes. If you live with a drama major, chances are you have "lost it" a few times. That's not the best way but that is in the past. Resolve to learn better ways to react to and protect yourself from your loved-one's addiction.
Forgive yourself for the way other people behave in your life. Resolve to be the best "you" that you can be.

Identity Disturbance

Definition:

Identity Disturbance - Identity disturbance is a psychological term used to describe a distorted or inconsistent self-view.

Description:

People with identity disturbances typically have more than just a low self-image or negative outlook. Identity disturbances involve an illogical or incoherent, inconsistent pattern of thoughts and feelings which go beyond logical pessimism. People with an identity disturbance may speak, think or act in ways which are contradictory to themselves. They may think the world of themselves one day and think nothing of themselves the next. Their actions or thoughts may seem self serving one day and flip into self-effacing, or self-destructive patterns the next. They may excel in one activity and appear incompetent in another. They may have impressive energy and enthusiasm for a season and be lethargic and withdrawn in another.

Positive and negative thought patterns are not always based on facts. The human mind has an tendency to simplify the complexity of the world we experience with broad shorthand generalizations about what is good and bad, positive and negative. However, if a person's emotional thought is not regulated by rational or logical fact-based thought, the emotional "shorthand" can result in black and white thinking - known as splitting - which when turned upon ourselves can lead to inaccurate self-perception. People who suffer from personality disorders are sometimes prone to think emotionally, rather than logically, and apply this kind of emotional shorthand or "splitting" to situations that ultimately hurt themselves and those around them. This can lead to extreme emotional highs and lows in response to the natural ebb and flow of life's circumstances that can lead them to make unsubstantiated, grandiose claims of superiority one day and and self-condemning statements of worthlessness the next.

Identity Disturbance is one of the 9 possible traits listed for a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder in the American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic & Statistical Manual (DSM-IV). Identity disturbances are also common among people who suffer from Avoidant Personality Disorder (AVPD).

"Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self."

In a 2000 study of patients with identity disturbances, Tess Wilkinson-Ryan, and Drew Westen identified four types of identity disturbance:

Role absorption (in which patients tend to define themselves in terms of a single role or cause),
Painful incoherence (a subjective sense of lack of coherence),
Inconsistency (in thought, feeling, and behavior),
Lack of commitment (e.g., to jobs or values).

The researchers concluded that identity disturbance distinguishes patients with borderline personality disorder from other psychiatric patients and that it occurs in patients with BPD whether or not they have a history of being abused.

Source: Identity Disturbance in Borderline Personality Disorder: An Empirical Investigation by Tess Wilkinson-Ryan, A.B., and Drew Westen, Ph.D.

Examples:

A woman frequently flips between describing herself as a "great catch" and as a failure in relationships.
A mother oscillates between seeing herself as indispensable to her children and rejected by them.
A man is a high-functioning, charismatic over-achiever at work and a depressed recluse at home.

What it feels like:

People who live with a loved-one who has an identity disturbance often find themselves wondering which "face" they will be presented with when they next ak through the door. They may try to find logical patterns in their loved-ones behavior or try to work out ways to control their mood by repeating arguments or reactions which appeared to work in the past. However, when an identity disturbance is at work, a persons mood is not simply reacting to external circumstances and the Non-PD may ultimately face disappointment and frustration to see their efforts go unrewarded.

Because of the inconsistencies in what the person with the personality disorder is doing and saying, Non-PD's may accuse them of "faking it" or "putting it on". They may begin to suspect that the person with the personality disorder is presenting a false negative view in order to excuse breaking promises, escape from consequences of their own behaviors or to avoid responsibility.

What NOT to Do:

When you are living with a person who has an identity disturbance, you are going to have to learn to accept that they have a psychological condition which is not simply controlled by external events and circumstances. It's tempting to try to improve the situation by repeating arguments or reactions that have worked for you in the past - or in other relationships but you will be confused and frustrated if you do.

Don't put yourself in the role of the "fixer" of a loved one's mood or feelings. You will most likely just frustrate yourself and annoy the person with the identity disturbance. You weren't responsible for getting them into a negative thought pattern and it's not your job to get them out of it.
Don't feel obliged out of "love" or "commitment" to join in with a downward spiral of negative thought. They are free to have negative thoughts and you are free to have positive ones.
Don't thought-police or unleash a barrage of criticisms about their attitude or their mood. Allow a person with a personality disorder to own their own thoughts and feelings. That's their stuff. You will only contribute to their sense of anxiety and low-self esteem.
Don't nag, argue for hours, or get into circular conversations about it.
Don't try to manipulate them "out of it" by trying to change the mood or the environment. Their sudden mood change was probably not caused by an external event and probably won't be fixed by it.
Don't blame yourself for what the other person is feeling or how they are behaving. Don't look for ways to change yourself to try to fix another person. As the old mantra says: "You didn't cause it, you can't cure it and you can't control it". You are only responsible for your own words and actions.
Don't stay in the room if the situation becomes physically, verbally or emotionally unhealthy.
Don't go it alone or keep what you are experiencing a secret.

What TO Do:

Remind yourself that this is a mental illness and that you are not to blame.
Detach yourself from being responsible for how another person is feeling, behaving or thinking.
Turn your attention on your own behavior and your own thought patterns. Discard the unhealthy and learn what is healthy for yourself and pursue it - regardless of what reaction you get from the person with the personality disorder.
Talk about it! Talk to trusted friends and family about what you are dealing with.
If you are ever confronted with violence or abuse, get yourself and any children immediately out of the room and call for help. Report all acts of violence, threats of violence or self harm to the police immediately every time.
Maintain your healthy lifestyle and thought life. You will need them. If necessary, explain to your loved-one gently, but firmly that you are doing what you need to do for yourself and then close the conversation.

Imposed Isolation

Sometimes, people with personality disorders use a technique of "Divide and Conquer" to retain control over the people closest to them. One of the most effective ways to maintain an abusive cycle is to ensure that the abuse victim does not have access to outside support. People who represent social rivals or who have a close relationship with Non-PD's are often criticized, split black, and made unwelcome and the Non-PD is warned to stay away.

Often, those who are victims of abuse participate willingly in the isolation because they are afraid of what might happen if they reach out to others:

Other's might not believe them
Other's might spread embarrassing gossip about them.
Others might try to intervene in a counter-productive way.
The abuser may find out and punish them.

Examples of Isolation

A woman is afraid to spend an evening with her friends because she knows her husband is jealous of the relationship she has with them and is afraid of how he will react when she comes home.
A man is afraid to call his parents long-distance because he knows his wife is jealous of them and will complain about the cost.
A young girl is afraid to spend time with peers because she is ashamed of her family abuse and does not want others to find out what goes on in her home.
A mother of a girl who has attempted suicide does not attend social gatherings because she is afraid people might ask how her daughter is doing.
A man will not speak to others about his wife's abuse of him because he is afraid he will look weak.

What NOT to Do:

Don't assume you are the only person in the world who is going through what you are.
Don't be ashamed of your situation.
Don't blame yourself for someone else's bad behavior.
Don't let yourself become Isolated.

What TO Do:

Remember there are millions of people going through the same thing.
Find people who understand Personality Disorders and who understand what you are going through.
Find A friend, therapist, coach or mentor who you can trust and visit with them regularly.
Pick the lesser of two evils - it is hard to break the silence but it is even harder to struggle alone.

Impulsiveness and Impulsivity

Definition:

Impulsiveness and Impulsivity - Impulsiveness - or Impulsivity - is the tendency to act or speak based on current feelings rather than logical reasoning.

Description:

Impulsiveness is a normal form of human behavior. All people make some decisions impulsively, based on"gut-feel", "instinct", mood or whim. Life would be very dull if all decisions were made based on logic. Human beings are not like "Mr. Spock" from the classic "Star Trek" series, who was incapable of emotional thought and was often confused by it.

Impulse can be a tremendous ally. Some people have made the best decisions of their lives impulsively. Many people make "big" decisions based on "gut feel" - decisions such as which career to follow, who to marry, where to buy a house, where to invest savings etc.

Impulse can, at the same time, be a tremendous liability. Some people have made the worst decisions of their lives on which career to follow, who to marry, where to buy a house, where to invest savings etc., impulsively based on that same "gut feel".

A key advantage in making decisions impulsively is speed. Impulsive decisions are unencumbered by the need to collect, sort and interpret large amounts of data, analyze cost-benefit ratios and predict and explore all possible consequences of an action. In some fast-paced environments - such as in stock-market security trading, extensive delays in decision-making can be costly.

Most mature, mentally healthy adults learn how to make decisions both impulsively and deliberately, balancing their impulsive urges with their logical reasoning, applying experiences they have learned to minimize risks and maximize the potential rewards. A married woman who has children may have the urge to have an affair with a co-worker, but she may reason that the consequences of the affair would be devastating to her children and her husband. A young man may feel the urge to drive his car at 120 mph, but he may restrain the urge because he knows he may wreck his car or may get pulled over by the police. An angry employee may feel the urge to kill a belligerent boss, but her ability to reason may convince her that such action may result in loss of her job, her freedom, her reputation.

Likewise, impulsive urges sometimes trump logical reasoning in a healthy way. A couple may travel to a vacation in Las Vegas and, knowing the odds are against them, may gamble some of their hard-earned money, knowing they will probably lose but enjoying the thrill of the chance that they just might win a fortune. A young graduate may decide to forego a great job opportunity because he/she wants to head off and "see the world" for a year. A man may decide to marry a woman who just "feels right" - not because she is the healthiest, prettiest girl he can attract.

Impulsivity becomes dysfunctional when decisions made impulsively routinely hurt, or hurt the interests of, he decision-maker, their immediate family or other innocent bystanders.

The frontal lobe, or frontal cortex, is the area of the brain located just behind the forehead. It has been shown by neurologists to be associated with predicting the consequences of actions, ethical decision-making and pattern recognition. In other words, the frontal cortex is the risk/reward-calculation zone of the brain. Experiments have shown that, in most people, the frontal cortex reaches full development at around the age of 25. The lag between full physical maturity and frontal cortex maturity is sometimes used to explain the apparent emotional immaturity in teenagers and young adults, who often make decisions which appear "reckless" to older adults.

In his best-selling book "Blink", author Malcolm Gladwell gives a very readable overview of how impulsive decision making can, at the same time be both a powerful asset and a costly liability.

There are 4 commonly used sub-categories for impulsiveness:

Urgency - A desire to act immediately to avoid missing a perceived opportunity.
Whimsical - Little or no serious consideration of positive and negative consequences of actions.
Procrastination - Unfettered acceptance of diversions to circumvent an undesirable task.
Thrill-seeking - Experiencing a thrill associated with taking a big risk.

Impulsiveness is sometimes measured using the Barratt Impulsiveness Scale.

Examples of Dysfunctional Impulsivity/Impulsiveness

A man who spends the family's monthly budget on a "sure thing" at a gambling institution.
A woman who wants to stay married but has a habit of having affairs.
A man who repeatedly quits his job after less than 2 years.
A man who, while taking care of his children, aggressively confronts a gang of youths on the street.
An employee who berates and insults her boss & co-workers when faced with a minor disappointment.
A woman who threatens her husband with a loaded weapon after he returns home late from work.

What it feels like:

Depending on your situation and your own psychological make-up and your current mood, you may find episodes of impulsivity thrilling, exhausting, entertaining, frightening or threatening.

however, if you are a mentally healthy adult and you are living with a person who routinely exhibits a dysfunctional impulsiveness, you will likely be very concerned about your own safety and the safety of any children and/or innocent bystanders who are in the immediate sphere of influence of an impulsive individual.

You may feel frustrated at your inability to "talk sense" into such a person, or persuade them of the wisdom in your position.

You may also feel torn between a desire to seek safety for yourself and your children and a sense of loyalty or a desire to help the person who is exhibiting impulsive behavior.

What NOT to Do:

If you are close to a person who routinely exhibits impulsive or reckless behavior:

Don't ignore any threats to your own personal safety or the safety of any children or bystanders. Get innocents people to safety if it is within your power to do so.
Don't repeatedly try to talk sense into a routinely impulsive person. IF they repeatedly find a way to bypass their own system of reasoning, they are unlikely to pay attention to yours.
Don't fight or retaliate or fight fire with fire.
Don't leave precious objects, keepsakes, documents, resources and bank accounts in the custody of a reckless person. Protect your assets.
Don't take responsibility or blame yourself for the reckless actions of an impulsive person.
Don't go it alone or keep what you are experiencing a secret.

What TO Do:

Protect your assets. Move important objects out of the reach of an impulsive person. Make copies of important documents, Close joint bank accounts. Move precious items to a safe place.
Hope for the best but plan for the worst. Develop an emergency plan for any scenario that may include violence or abuse being directed towards or your children.
Protect your children and yourself physically from any impulsive acts of violence. Call the police if necessary.
Learn what you can about the personality disorder your loved-one suffers from, and how that is likely to affect their behavior, their thoughts and their moods.
Talk about it! Talk to trusted friends and family about what you are dealing with. This helps to compare your thinking with other people who can perhaps see things in a different light and can tell you if what you are dealing with sounds reasonable.

Infantilization

Definition:

Infantilization - Infantilization is the practice of treating a child as if they are much younger than their actual age.

Description:

Some parents, who suffer from personality disorders, feel an overwhelming need to be loved or needed. Sometimes this can manifest itself in a dysfunctional way in the way they raise their children.

As children mature, they progressively develop an increased sense and capability of independence, eventually culminating in the tense years of adolescence. As children exert more and more independence they also seek to put distance between themselves and their parents and exert more control over their own choices.

For some parents, who suffer from a personality disorders, this process of developing independent thought, independent actions, different opinions, tastes, likes and dislikes can seem threatening, triggering a loss of self esteem or Fear of Abandonment in the parent. All parents naturally experience some stress through this process, but others who suffer from personality disorders may be prone to taking actions to systematically delay or hinder the natural maturation process.

Infantilization is particularly common among people who suffer from Dependent Personality Disorder (DPD), Histrionic Personality Disorder (HPD) and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).

Some Examples of Infantilization:

A parent who routinely and voluntarily shares the same bed as their 10 year old child.
A parent who routinely speaks in a baby-style sing-song voice to a teenager
A parent who routinely assumes responsibility for an older child's well being, including dressing, bathing, feeding etc when the child can readily perform some or all of these actions unassisted.
A parent who routinely buys a child age-inappropriate clothing and toys or arranges age-inappropriate activities (movies, books etc.)
A parent who routinely and inappropriately cuts in and speaks for a child when someone else speaks directly to the child.
A parent who talks about their teenager in front of them as though they are not there.

What it Feels Like:

A child who is exposed to Infantilization may be inclined to try to "let it go" and not challenge a parent who is treating them in an age-inappropriate way, in order to keep the peace, developing techniques of Enabling and Learned Helplessness. Others may act out in anger or in actions of avoidance of their parent, or acts of sabotage.

Children who are infantilized into later years will often feel shame and embarrassment in front of their peers at the way they are treated in public by their parent. Some may begin to avoid friendships and social interaction because of this, further hindering their emotional development.

Children and youths who are infantilized may be at an increased risk of acts of Self Harm, Impulsiveness, academic difficulties and poor social skills in adulthood.

Sometimes, one parent will disapprove of another dysfunctional parent's infantilization, but will defer to their will, and allow the dysfunctional parent to have their way in an attempt to keep the peace and avoid conflict. This is a form of enabling.

Infantilization is a form of Child Abuse, akin to starving a Child's emotional development needs in favor of a dysfunctional parent's emotional need. There is no known legislation which outlaws infantilization. However, some observant child advocates, guardian ad litem's, therapists and evaluators may recognize infantilization and take it into account in their reporting and decision making.

Coping with Infantilization - What NOT to Do

Don't avoid a child who has been infantilized, or criticize them for being immature.
Don't make a special case for an infantilized child, or single them out in front of peers.
Don't criticize a child's parent in front of the child. They will think that you are criticizing them too.
Don't accept infantilization as normal, and "go with the flow". Don't immediately remove a task just because it is challenging. Give the child every opportunity to succeed and grow.
Don't go on a crusade or set rigid benchmarks for a child's emotional or physical development. You will only hurt the child. All children develop at different rates and not all cases of "late bloomers" are the result of infantilization. The goal is always to encourage each child to be the best that they can be.

Coping with Infantilization - What TO Do

If you suspect a child is being sexually or physically abused or neglected, report it to your local authorities.
Treat a child who is being infantilized in an age appropriate manner, and, if you are able provide them with opportunities to "flex their big kid muscles".
Give the child honest sincere encouragement (not fake praise) for any job well done.

Intimidation

Definition:

Intimidation - Intimidation is any form of veiled, hidden, indirect or non-verbal threat.

Description:

Intimidation is a form of passive aggressive threat in which the perpetrator hopes to avoid the risk of being challenged or made accountable for their behavior by veiling the threat in some way.

The veiled message is usually some variant of "I am stronger than you."

Examples:

Destruction or damage of an object which has some worth or significance to the victim.
Cruelty to animals in the sight of a victim.
Cruelty shown to a third party individual in the sight of the victim.
Self harm in the sight of the victim.
Threatening language directed away from the victim but in their hearing.
Being "extra nice" to the victim while physically demonstrating violent or mock-violent behavior.

What it Feels Like:

Intimidation is a form of threat and is designed to produce feelings of fear.

Learning To Cope:

The best approach to dealing with intimidation is to remove the audience and the victim and to recruit professional help to deal with the threatening behavior.

What NOT to Do:

Don't stay in the same room with a person who behaves in a threatening way.
Don't leave children vulnerable to violence.
Don't play down threatening behavior or fool yourself into thinking it doesn't hurt you or that you can deal with it.
Don't try to deal with intimidation alone.

What TO Do:

Quickly, calmly and without drama, leave the room, the house, the company of anyone who subjects you to intimidating behavior.
Call the police and report any acts of violence against you, property, animals or other people.
Get support and discuss your concerns with someone who cares about you and who understands personality disorders

Invalidation

Definition:

Description:

Invalidation of other people is a common technique used by abusive people to divert attention away from flaws in their own logic, character and insecurity and to put pressure on others to yield control to them. Attention is often deflected away from the subject or problem at hand and the surrogate topic "look what's wrong with you" is introduced.

The victim is thus maneuvered into the position where in order to deal with the problem they are concerned about, they must first demonstrate to the perpetrator that they have fixed all the flaws in themselves. This is rarely resolved and the perpetrator successfully avoids addressing the original problem or issue.

Examples of Invalidation:

Statement: "You hit me!"
Invalidating Response: "There you go again - Why are you always angry at me?"
Statement: "I care about you"
Invalidating Response: "I know you don't believe that"
Statement: "I like my friends and I want to spend time with them."
Invalidating Response: "If you cared about me you would want to spend time with me"
Statement: "I'd like us to share the chores"
Invalidating Response: "You just don't care about my bad back do you?"
Statement: "We can't afford that"
Invalidating Response: "We can always afford the things you want"
Statement: "I don't understand what you mean"
Invalidating Response: "You just don't get it do you?"

What it Feels Like:

Invalidation often deals an unexpected blow to your self-esteem. You may approach a conversation looking to improve a relationship or work on a problem only to find yourself on the defensive, feeling lost, confused, scared and with no resolution in sight.

You may wonder "What's wrong with me that I can't get through to him/her?" or "What's wrong with him/her that they just won't listen?"

Non-PD's often reach into their instinctive fight or flight responses when confronted with an invalidating comment. They may thus respond in an inappropriately aggressive manner, with anger and exasperation or they may feel the urge to take a defeatist response where they give in. Either way the perpetrator gets what they want and the diversion is accomplished. What generally works better is an unemotional, yet assertive response.

Coping with Invalidation

Invalidation is an aggressive form of emotional abuse. If someone uses invalidation on you it is important to recognize it and to understand that they are not looking for a compromise or a way to meet you in the middle at that particular moment. They are using a power play to win - to suppress your needs in favor of their own. They may be willing to compromise at another time, but not now.

Recognizing invalidation should be a cue to calmly reject the falsehood in the accusation and quickly exit the conversation.

When someone uses invalidation, you are temporarily released from any moral obligation to compromise or try to further resolve the problem. Instead, it is a time to focus your energy on protecting yourself, your children, your assets and your dignity. There will be plenty of time for compromises and resolution later if the other person decides to adopt a different approach and communicate with you in a respectful, validating manner.

What NOT to Do:

Don't accept the premise of an invalidating statement or comment.
Don't take the bait and be drawn into a fight or a circular conversation about an invalidating comment. Stay focused on the issues that really matter.
Don't argue or debate or repeatedly go over the issues with someone who is invalidating you. You may end up arguing for a very long time to no avail and the harder you try the more they are likely to try to invalidate you more. State the truth once. Then save discussion for a time wen they are ready to listen with respect.
Don't stay in the same room with a person who speaks to you with anything less than the respect you are worth. Don't wait for them to understand your point of view. Take a break. Remove yourself politely and tell them you'll be back at a later time when you feel safe.

What TO Do:

Nobody can make you feel bad about yourself without your consent. If you find yourself feeling shame over the statements another person is making about you then it is possible that the problem is with them - not with you. Healthy people don't go around shaming others.
Confront invalidation once, calmly with truth and without emotion.
End the conversation as soon as an invalidating statement is given.
Allow the other person their feelings and thoughts - without taking responsibility for making them see the truth.
Focus on seeing yourself in a validating way. Remind yourself of your qualities and strengths. Strive for excellence - not perfection.
Surround yourself with healthy people who will tell you it like it is - with kindness - strengths and weaknesses. Find a few supportive friends who will lift you up when you are down and of whom you can safely ask - "Am I really that bad?"
Write down the qualities you like about yourself - remind yourself that you have gifts and talents - that you are unique in this world and there will never be another you.

Lack of Conscience

Definition:

Lack of Conscience - Individuals who suffer from personality disorders are often preoccupied with their own agendas, sometimes to the exclusion of the needs and concerns of others. This is sometimes interpreted by others as a lack of moral conscience.

Description:

A lack of conscience or a disregard of other people's rights and needs is often associated with the Cluster B Personality disorders: Antisocial personality disorder (APD) Borderline personality disorder (BPD), . Histrionic personality disorder (HPD) and perhaps most commonly Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD).

A large number of PD/Non-PD conflicts related to conscience can also be understood in terms of Situational Ethics. Click Here for more information about Situational Ethics.

Lack of Object Constancy

Definition:

Description:

The ability to recognize that although they can not see their parent, that their parent is still "there" and that they are still safe is sometimes referred to as Object Constancy.

Object Constancy is the ability to understand that some things or people remain constant - even when we can't see them or verify that they are "still there". Object constancy can apply to objects or to people and relationships. People who suffer from personality disorders sometimes experience a lack or a deficiency in object constancy. This can be at the root of issues fear of abandonment, as well as dissociative memories, selective amnesia and false accusations.

Examples of Lack of Object Constancy

A baby who cries as soon as a parent leaves the room.
A partner who who calls or texts repeatedly - more than 10 times in a single day.
A parent who assumes that their teenager has left home when they are 15 minutes late getting home.
A housewife who has repeated affairs while her husband is at work because she feels abandoned.

Low Self-Esteem

Definition:

Low Self-Esteem - Low Self-Esteem is a common name for a negatively-distorted self-view which is inconsistent with reality. People who have low self-esteem often see themselves as unworthy of being successful in personal and professional settings and in social relationships. They may view their successes and their strengths in a negative light and believe that others see them in the same way. As a result, they may develop an avoidance strategy to protect themselves from criticism.

Description:

Low self-esteem affects all kinds of people - not just those who suffer from personality disorders. However, people who suffer from personality disorders are often prone to an acute, consistent or pervasive form of low-self esteem that makes them behave in ways that are self-destructive or destructive to those around them.

Low Self-Esteem affects people who suffer from all variations of personality disorders. Low self-esteem is easy to spot in the "Cluster C" anxious and fearful disorders, (Avoidant Personality Disorder, Dependent Personality Disorder and Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder. However, low self-esteem is also a factor in less obvious cases such as the dramatic "Cluster B" disorders- Borderline Personality Disorder, Histrionic Personality Disorder, Antisocial Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder. People with the Cluster B disorders will often try to hide their low self esteem by trying to portray a facade of confidence, self-righteousness, or self-aggrandizement and may try to divert attention away from their own insecurity by highlighting or exaggerating other people's weaknesses.

What it feels like:

People who suffer from low self-esteem, may entertain a belief that they are unworthy of normal pleasures, such as successful problem solving, achieving career goals, financial security, being liked by peers and family members, being attractive to potential romantic partners, being respected by co-workers and acquaintances. These feelings often make them behave in self destructive, defensive or aggressive ways that can cause their fears to become self-fulfilling prophecies. For those who have personality disorders, these feelings can be accepted as facts and all potential competing positive thoughts be disregarded or suppressed. This can lead to erratic emotional mood swings from high to low.

Downward spirals of negative self-thought can be self-perpetuating. The emotional human mind often uses a form of shorthand which helps us to sort through the overwhelming clutter of data and competing thoughts which compete for our attention at any given time. Hence, we have the ability to broadly judge people and circumstances, political positions and religious views as "right" or "wrong" "good" or "bad", "positive or "negative", "safe" or "dangerous", etc. even when there is only partial data or when the data we have is conflicted or compromised. Taken to extremes, this type of judging can lead to Splitting, where a person views other people or circumstances as "all good" or "all bad". Splitting is particularly common among people who suffer from personality disorders, but can also affect those of us who have relationships with people with personality disorders. Beaten down by a history of negative experiences and failures to bring about change in our loved-ones, we may begin to see our situation as hopeless and see ourselves as helpless and powerless. This is often not an accurate self-view, but an emotional exaggeration of our circumstances.

Low self esteem is closely related to Depression and is a common form of Identity Disturbance.

What NOT to Do:

When you are living with a person with a personality disorder who has an unhealthy low self-esteem:

Don't put yourself in the role of the "fixer" of a loved one's mood or feelings. You will most likely just frustrate yourself and annoy the other person. You weren't responsible for getting them into a negative thought pattern and it's not your job to get them out of it.
Don't feel obliged out of "love" or "commitment" to join in with a downward spiral of negative thought. They are free to have negative thoughts and you are free to have positive ones.
Don't thought-police or unleash a barrage of criticisms about their attitude or their mood. Allow a person with a personality disorder to own their own thoughts and feelings. That's their stuff. You will only contribute to their sense of anxiety and low-self esteem.
Don't nag, argue for hours, or get into circular conversations about it.
Don't try to manipulate them "out of it" by trying to change the mood or the environment. Their sudden mood change was probably not caused by an external event and probably won't be fixed by it.
Don't blame yourself for what the other person is feeling or how they are behaving. Don't look for ways to change yourself to try to fix another person. As the old mantra says: "You didn't cause it, you can't cure it and you can't control it". You are only responsible for your own words and actions.
Don't stay in the room if the situation becomes physically, verbally or emotionally unhealthy.
Don't go it alone or keep what you are experiencing a secret.

When you are a Non-PD person who has an unhealthy low self-esteem:

Don't immediately deny what you are feeling or ignore it. Some negative thought cycles are the result of "Depressive Realism" - a sober self evaluation that things are really not that great.
Don't fall into the trap of Splitting. If your thoughts are "purely" negative then they are probably not very accurate.
Don't become a victim of "Stinkin Thinkin" See our atricle about Stinkin Thinkin.
Don't go it alone or keep what you are experiencing a secret. Try to avoid becoming isolated when you are facing negative self-thoughts.

What TO Do:

When you are living with a person with a personality disorder who has an unhealthy low self-esteem:

Remind yourself that this may be related to a mental illness and that you are not to blame.
Detach yourself from being responsible for how another person is feeling, behaving or thinking.
Turn your attention on your own behavior and your own thought patterns. Discard the unhealthy and learn what is healthy for yourself and pursue it - regardless of what reaction you get from the person with the personality disorder.
Talk about it! Talk to trusted friends and family about what you are dealing with.
If you are ever confronted with violence or abuse, get yourself and any children immediately out of the room and call for help. Report all acts of violence, threats of violence or self harm to the police immediately every time.
Maintain your healthy lifestyle and thought life. You will need them. If necessary, explain to your loved-one gently, but firmly that you are doing what you need to do for yourself and then close the conversation.

When you are a Non-PD person who has a low self-esteem:

Try to embrace the gray. In every circumstance, try to see both sides of your situation, the positive AND the negative.
Write down your fears and evaluate them with honesty and candor.
Share your concerns with wise, caring friends who can see what you are dealing with and will give thoughtful encouragement. Work hard to be around people who will encourage you to be healthy and help you to feel better about yourself. This can be a therapist, a teacher, a family member, a friend.
See our page on Working on Ourselves for ideas about self development.

Magical Thinking

Definition:

Magical Thinking - Magical Thinking is the practice of looking for supernatural connections between external events and one's own thoughts, words and actions.

Description:

Magical thinking is common among all walks of society, ranging from superstitions to religious beliefs.

Magical thinking is common in child development, where from the age of toddler through to young adulthood, children observe coincidences between certain actions of their own and events around them and attribute the outcome of these events to their own action.

Adults often do the same thing, forming correlations in their mind between things they may say, wear, eat, do etc. and external events which eventually form into superstitions.

Clearly, magical thinking is common among all people, not just those who suffer from personality disorders. Indeed, it is common for loved ones of those who suffer from personality disorders to turn to magical thinking as a way to convince themselves that they have some control over a situation which, in reality, they have little or no control over.

Magical thinking is most common in situations in which people feel they have have little or no real control, such as in the weather, the actions of others. It is thought that this may be done as a way to comfort soothe feelings of fear or helplessness in such circumstances.

People who suffer from personality disorders often experience little control over their own internal feelings and moods and are often willing to compromise their own knowledge of objective facts in an attempt to soothe or reconcile these feelings in a process known as dissociation. This is why magical thinking, superstition and extreme religious fundamentalism is often exhibited strongly by those who suffer from personality disorders.

Examples of Magical Thinking:

An athlete who thinks that wearing a certain piece of clothing will ensure victory.
A woman who believes that walking on a certain side of the street will bring about personal misfortune.
A man who believes that his dreams predict the future or give him insight into the intentions of others.
A person who believes their personal well being or fortune is attributed to a religious observance.
A mother who believes their child will get sick if they do not perform a certain bath time ritual.

Manipulation & Control

Definition:

Manipulation - Manipulation is the practice of baiting an individual or group of individuals into a certain response or reaction pattern for the purpose of achieving a hidden personal goal.

Description:

People who suffer from personality disorders often engage in behaviors which appear manipulative and controlling to those around them.

However, while manipulative acts are deliberate and under the control of the person with the personality disorder, the focal point for the person who suffers from the personality disorder is typically themselves rather than the person they are controlling. Manipulative actions are often done in an attempt to soothe internal feelings or fears by creating a a focal point in a close relationship, rather than in a effort to produce certain feelings in others.

This helps explain why appeals for fairness or logical arguments are often ineffective in persuading people with personality disorders to behave in a kinder way. It is as though for them their own feelings are amplified many times over while the feelings and needs of others may appear small and insignificant to them. This can result in a dysfunctional Situational Ethic in the mind of the person who suffers from the personality disorder in which the end (resolving the internal feelings) justifies the means (controlling, manipulating or hurting someone close)

This, of course does not qualify as an excuse for manipulative or hurtful behaviors, but understanding that this disconnect exists in the mind of the personality disordered person can help you not to feel so hurt or take the controlling behavior so personally.

Examples of Manipulation:

Some common manipulative behaviors include:

Behaving in an outrageous or violent way in order to provoke an angry response - known as Baiting.
Casting oneself as a victim in order to evoke a sympathetic response - also known as Self Victimization.
Overt acts of self harm intended to generate a sense of crisis in an observer.
Overt cheating, flirting to evoke a sense of jealousy in others.
Withdrawal, avoidance or silent treatment in order to get the other person to pursue closeness.
Proxy Recruitment or pitting two other people against each other in order to create conflict between others.
Chronic empty promises.
Raging in order to restore a relationship to a state of conflict.
Hoovering to persuade an withdrawing abuse victim to return to a state of closeness.

What it Feels Like to be Manipulated:

Acts of manipulation often evoke the greatest feelings of betrayal and anger in those who are affected by them. It is humiliating to discover that someone has been controlling you without your consent.

Learning To Cope with Manipulation:

Your thoughts and feelings are your own property and nobody has a right to interrogate or control your feelings without your consent. Therefore it is important to establish boundaries to protect yourself and to detach emotionally from the manipulative person so that your own fear, anger and reactions are not available to them as a tool to control you.

What NOT to Do:

Don't fly off the handle when somebody does something outrageous. Just get away from them.
Don't take it personally when someone tries to manipulate or control you - chances are they are so focused on themselves that your feelings are insignificant to them.
Don't argue or plead for compassion or justice from a controlling person. they may be looking at the same situation through a very different lens than you which makes them blind to the logic in your argument..
Don't retaliate or try to get revenge on a person who manipulates you. This will only make the situation worse and you will likely regret that.
Don't put yourself in a position where you can be easily controlled. If the manipulative person gets to you by spending your money or breaking objects which are valuable to you then don't put them in a position where they have access to do that again.
Don't let your guard down when a manipulative person switches and starts being kind. Most abusive behaviors are cyclical and are based on the ebb and flow of the abusers feelings.
Don't become isolated and suffer in silence. You need support to cope.

What TO Do:

Quickly, calmly and without drama, leave the situation and get to a place where you are treated with equity and respect.
Work on boundaries which will protect you, your loved ones and your property so that the things which are vulnerable are off-limits to those who don't have the ability to control their own behavior.
If appropriate, state clearly and calmly what the offending behavior is one time only - such as "when you do x, I feel y"
Get support and discuss your concerns with someone who cares about you and who understands personality disorders. Spend time with people who will treat you with genuine respect, honor and uphold your dignity.

Masking

Definition:

Masking - Masking describes the practice of covering up one's own natural outward appearance, mannerisms and speech in dramatic and inconsistent ways depending on the situation.

Description:

People who suffer from personality disorders often suffer from low self esteem or an inconsistent self image which changes with the way they are feeling. Since they are also susceptible to dramatic mood swings they sometimes tend to try to represent themselves in public in inconsistent ways.

The practice of altering our behavior or mannerisms is familiar to most people. Almost everybody consciously or subconsciously puts their best foot forward when they believe they being watched by others such as family, co-workers, authority figures or large social groups in order to be more socially acceptable. However, in some people with personality disorders there is a marked inconsistency, rapid cycling and an acute intensity of masking which is beyond typical

Examples of Masking:

Sudden changes in voice, vocabulary or geographic accent.
Situational changes in physical mannerisms
Wearing different clothes - copying exactly the appearance of another.
Changing one's own name depending on who is being talked to.
Changing taste in food, interests etc.
Rapid changes in political views or religious beliefs.
Projection - Projection is the act of attributing one's own feelings or traits onto another person and imagining or believing that the other person has those same feelings or traits.
Impulsiveness and Impulsivity - Impulsiveness - or Impulsivity - is the tendency to act or speak based on current feelings rather than logical reasoning.
Mirroring - Mirroring is a term which describes imitating or copying another person's characteristics, behaviors or traits.

What it Feels Like:

It can sometimes feel a little creepy to watch someone close to you morph right before your eyes when the phone rings or when someone else comes into the room.

It's also common to feel that they are being hypocritical or fake. You may feel angry if they are so nice or so humble and accommodating to one particular person while they show a less attractive side to you. It's common for non-personality-disordered individuals to hope that they will be "found out" eventually.

Sometimes, it feels embarrassing to be a family member or spouse or partner to someone who is masking in a way that is obvious to others. You may feel humiliated to be associated with them and fear a loss of respect, contempt or ridicule of others.

Learning To Cope:

While it may be tempting to pull of the mask, it's important to remember that each person has a right to their own thoughts and beliefs. It is important to remember "My stuff vs Your stuff" and keep the focus on yourself and your own behavior. Where a person's masking does not affect or harm you, it is best to leave it alone. If a person's masking does create harm for you (for example if they begin ridiculing you in certain situations) it is important to get yourself to safety.

What NOT to Do:

Don't try to thought police or pull off another person's mask.
Don't waste energy trying to figure out which version of a person is the "real one". The real person isn't the "good one" or the "bad one" but is the sum of them all.
Don't stay in a room or a situation where you are being hurt or abused by another person. Politely and calmly move to a safer place.

What TO Do:

Talk to others who understand personality disorders about the situation. Chances are they will recognize masking.
Try to keep a stable and consistent view yourself and deal with the person as the sum of all their parts - not just the side you are seeing at any given time - good or bad.
Focus on your own behavior and build healthy relationships with others who will deal with you consistently and respectfully.

Mirroring

Definition:

Mirroring - Mirroring is a term which describes imitating or copying another person's characteristics, behaviors or traits.

Description:

Mirroring occurs when people who suffer from personality disorders have a vacant, or distorted self image which can manifest itself as an imitation of the other person's speech, mannerisms, behaviors, dress style, purchase preferences, daily habits etc.

Sometimes the person doing the mirroring can begin to believe they actually are the other person to the extent that they might call themselves by their name, claim to be them or have elements of the other person's life such as relationships, past experiences, career or family history attributed to them. In some cases they may even claim to be the other person.

Mirroring is often a manifestation of a form of Dissociation, where a person's strong feelings create "facts" which are less than true.

A dramatic case of mirroring is portrayed in the movie Single White Female, in which the character Hedra Carlson (played by Jennifer Jason Leigh) begins to imitate her new room-mate Allie in the way she looks, dresses and behaves, imitating her haircut, wearing her clothes and ultimately seducing Allie's boyfriend.

Mirroring can occur among people who suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), Histrionic Personality Disorder (HPD), Dependent Personality Disorder (DPD), Schizotypal Personality DIsorder, Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD) and Paranoid Personality Disorder (PPD).

Some Examples of Mirroring:

A man switches to mimic the accent of a colleague.
A woman wears identical clothing as a friend.
A mother secretly wears her daughter's clothing when she is out.
A teenager makes phone calls in which she pretends to be her sibling.
A secretary wears her bosses wife's perfume in an attempt to seduce him.
A man writes letters in which he forges his boss's signature.

What it Feels Like:

There is an old saying that "Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery" A little mirroring can sometimes be taken as a compliment at first. You may feel honored or flattered when someone begins to mimic your fashion sense, your behaviors or traits.

However, when this becomes pervasive, it can start to feel a bit "creepy". It can become quite unsettling to realize that someone who isn't behaving in a normal or healthy reciprocal relationship kind of way is paying so much attention to you. If they begin to see you as a representation of themselves you may find yourself in a campaign of Engulfment where there is great pressure to stay in the Relationship.

If that person begins to pretend they are you, it can become downright frightening. You may fear that other people will mistake them for you, that they will behave in ways that will embarrass you, get you into trouble or make you unpopular.

Coping With Mirroring:

There are no laws against imitation and people who are unfamiliar with personality disorders will often struggle to take accusations of mirroring or complaints about mimicry seriously. It is often best to detach as much as possible from a person who is mirroring you. Sometimes, when you try to cut off contact with a person who is being "super-nice" you will be Split from Good to Evil and you might see some of their "not so nice" side come to the surface via False accusations, Fear of Abandonment, Emotional Blackmail, Threats or Stalking.

What NOT To Do:

Don't allow yourself to be emotionally blackmailed into spending time with someone who you feel threatened by.
Don't allow yourself to be isolated into just one relationship at the cost of others with someone who is mirroring you.
Don't give up things you love to do or healthy behaviors to try to navigate any kind of dysfunctional engulfment.

What TO Do:

Surround yourself with supportive friends who will understand and validate you in a healthy way.
Put some distance between you and a person who is mirroring you.
If you must spend time with someone who is mirroring you, take along a supportive friend.
Call the police at the first incident of violence or threat of violence.

Moments Of Clarity

Definition:

Moments Of Clarity - Moments of Clarity are spontaneous, temporary periods when a person with a personality disorder is able to see beyond their own world view and can, for a brief period, understand, acknowledge, articulate and begin to make amends for their dysfunctional behavior.

Some Examples of Moments Of Clarity

A relationship partner apologizes for their behavior and agrees to attend couples therapy.
A husband acknowledges that an infidelity accusation he has held over a spouse for years isn't really true.
A sibling returns a stolen item to it's rightful owner.
A mother confesses to her children that past episodes of domestic violence were not warranted.

Moments of Clarify can, at the same time, be extremely gratifying and rather frightening to a Non.

On the one hand, they may be hearing, for the first time, the very healing words they have longed to hear for years: "I'm sorry", "You are a good husband and father", "You are a good daughter", "I'm proud of you", "You didn't deserve that", "It's not your fault", "You are important to me".

On the other hand, a sudden, unexpected change of heart, even in the right direction, can be disconcerting to a Non. There is inevitably the question of whether the change is genuine, permanent and without strings attached.

Regardless, this is going to be a very emotional time for both the personality disorder sufferer and for the Non. Some changes or promises of change turn out to be just Hoovers. Others may be honest, whole-hearted and sincere attempts at Recovery. It is likely at such a time of emotional transition that neither the PD-sufferer or the Non is completely sure whether the PD-sufferer will be able to follow through on their intentions of change.

Therefore, sudden moments of clarity, while providing a welcome respite from the cycles of abuse, are probably not the best time to make any big life-changing decisions or commitments such as moving in, getting married, getting pregnant, opening joint accounts etc. It is probably best to maintain a supportive, yet safe environment for all parties concerned and to take a wait-and-see approach for 6 months to a year. Most hoovers will not last that long.

Then there is trying not to get your hopes up just in case you will be disappointed later. It is important to remember that personality disorders are true mental health conditions over which the sufferer does not have complete control. Many of these moments of clarity are honest sincere attempts by an individual to try to reach a better place. However, it is very difficult to recover from a personality disorder and many do not make it. If we, as non's, pin all our hopes on a personality disordered loved-one's ability to climb the mountain range of recovery we may be asking them to be somebody they can not be and we may be sowing the seeds of future regret, disillusionment and resentment. We may be doing a great disservice to ourselves and to the person who we try to love.

Therefore, if you find yourself in a moment of clarity with a loved-one who suffers from a personality disorder, embrace it for what it is. If at all possible, accept those precious moments of validation and apology with gratitude and humility and without gloating. Then remember who you are. You are not defined by how a person who suffers from a personality disorder sees you or describes you. You are you. When you reach a place where you can say "if he/she recovers - that's OK and if they don't - that's OK too" you may just have transferred your hope somewhere else and you will be in the best position to offer support and validation, if appropriate, to your loved one.

Mood Swings

Definition:

Mood Swings - Mood swings are unpredictable, rapid, dramatic emotional cycles which can not be readily explained by changes in external circumstances.

Description:

Mood swings are a common characteristic of personality disordered individuals. Mood swings are perhaps the most disconcerting of all the characteristics of a person who suffers from a personality disorder because they defy the reasoning or logic of the person who is trying to "figure them out".

Mood swings rarely correlate with objective realities or circumstances on the ground. They are based on the way a person with a personality feels - not based on any facts. However, Non's often fall into the trap of trying to correlate or explain the moods of a loved one based on tangible circumstances or events that can explain their behaviors.

Positive Mood swings are often welcomed but can be just as destructive as negative mood swings. This is because positive mood swings often appeal to a person's sense of justice or clemency - as in: "if this person is being so nice to me then they can't be the evil person I thought they were." This kind of reaction is common among Non's - but can be just as counter-productive as over-reacting or retaliating to a negative mood swing. It is important to remember that if a person with a personality disorder has acted abusively in the past, then a sudden change to acts of kindness offers no bona fide explanation or reconciliation for past abuses and provides little security against future abuses.

The range of moods displayed by a person who suffers from a personality disorder can be dramatic - from suicidal tendencies to sublime bliss.

It is common for a person who suffers from a personality disorder to be troubled by their own behavior or reaction - and to attempt to rationalize or draw attention away from their behaviors by focusing on the shortcomings of others whom they are close to.

Examples:

A successful businessman attempts suicide and tells his partner that she helped bring him to that point by being overweight.
A woman decides to stop nurturing her children and claims they brought it upon themselves by their belligerent behavior.
A bright young girl drops out of college and blames it on her parents nonchalant disposition.
A colleague flips in and out of a collaborative demeanor and holds a co-worker or boss responsible.
A housewife oscillates between a "Martha Stewart" look-alike and a bedridden victim of "abuse".

What it feels like:

It is important to recognize that positive mood swings are as much a feature of the disorder as the negative. The tendency for Non's is to feel pressured to comprise on their boundaries when they are suddenly met with a flood of goodwill or positive feedback from the personality-disordered individual in their life. However, it is important to remember that personal boundaries are not vindictive - they are discriminating yet just and are worth preserving in stormy weather and fair - just as to dismantle a seawall when the tide is low is is to invite a flood of regret when the tide will be high again.

It is tempting to assume that other people are just like us - and we have a tendency to extrapolate our own feelings and reactions to explain the reactions of others. In other words: we often look at the behaviors of others and ask ourselves "What circumstances or feelings would it take to make me act like that" and use that model to explain the actions or motives of others.

However, people are not al the same. Some people react just like us , but many don't - and people with personality disorders represent one specific end of a spectrum of human behavior. They often react radically to their feelings without taking time to think through the logic of their situation, their actions and the consequences of their actions.

This can sometimes leave us wondering "What on Earth did I do to deserve this/provoke that/make them act this way?"

The answer is: Nothing.

It is important to remember that you are never responsible for another person's behavior - if a person you care about is behaving in a way that you do not understand or you do not like that is their decision to behave that way and, in most cases, has nothing to do with you, your own behavior or your own beliefs, philosophies or actions.

If another person claims I did "----" because you did "-----" or said "-----" then they are making excuses for their behavior. You can, more accurately, substitute "I did "----" because I decided to do it".

What To Do:

When you are faced with a positive mood swing:

Don't throw away your boundaries.
Don't assume that this lovely person you are confronted with is the real person or the true person. It is a part of them - but the whole person is the average of both the positive and the negative that you have experienced.
Don't forget about the negative experiences - they are as much a part of the reality as the positive.
Don't assume that this positive mood swing will last forever.

When you are faced with a negative mood swing:

Don't retaliate with bad behavior of your own.
Maintain your boundaries.
Keep yourself and your children away from any physical, verbal, emotional or sexual violence or abuse.
Don't assume that this nasty person you are confronted with is the real person or the true person. It is a part of them - but the whole person is the average of both the positive and the negative that you have experienced.
Don't forget about the positive experiences - they are as much a part of the reality as the positive.

Munchausen's Syndrome and Munchausen by Proxy Syndrome (MBPS)

Definition:

Munchausen's and Munchausen by Proxy Syndrome (MBPS) - Munchausen's Syndrome is a disorder in which an individual repeatedly fakes or exaggerates their own illness or medical symptoms in order to manipulate the attentions of medical professionals or caregivers. Munchausen By Proxy Syndrome (MBPS) is a similar syndrome in which another individual, commonly a child, is substituted for the patient and made the focus of inappropriate medical attention.

Description:

In Munchausen by Proxy Syndrome (MBPS), an individual - typically a mother - deliberately makes another person (most often his or her own preschool child) sick or convinces others that the person is sick. The parent or caregiver misleads others into thinking that the child has medical problems by reporting fictitious episodes. He or she may exaggerate, fabricate, or induce symptoms. As a result, doctors commonly order tests, experiment with medications and, in severe cases, may hospitalize the child or perform surgery to determine the cause.

Typically, the perpetrator feels satisfied when he or she has the attention and sympathy of doctors, nurses, and others.

It should be noted that there is strong controversy over the existence of Munchausen By Proxy Syndrome. The originator of the term, British Pediatrician Roy Meadow was discredited for misrepresenting statistical data in his expert witness testimony in the conviction of mothers of children who died from cot deaths (also known as Sudden Infant Death Syndrome - or SIDS). In a nutshell, he testified that the likelihood of more than one incidence of SIDS in a single family was so remote as to warrant a conviction. Several cases in which he testified have since been overturned in British Courts. Critics of the MBPS theory correctly point out that child abuse is child abuse and the burden of proof must be to reveal objective evidence of abuse prior to removing children from parental custody. For more information regarding the MBPS controversy see the links at the bottom of this page.

In some MBPS cases, since the parent or caregiver appears concerned, wrongdoing is not suspected. Frequently, the perpetrator is familiar with the medical profession and is skilled at fooling medical staff. It is not unusual for medical personnel to overlook the possibility of Munchausen by Proxy Syndrome because of the controversy surrounding it or because it goes against the commonly held belief that a parent or caregiver would never deliberately hurt his or her own child.

Children who are subject to Munchausen by Proxy Syndrome are typically preschool age, although there have been reported cases in children up to 16 years old. There are equal numbers of boy and girl victims of MBPS.

Statistically, 98% of the perpetrators of MBPS are female. Source: http://kidshealth.org/parent/general/sick/munchausen.html

Examples:

A parent observes symptoms of illness in a child that nobody else can detect, and insists that a battery of tests be performed.
A child contracts a common virus and the mother attributes the symptoms to an undiagnosed chronic condition.
A child is developing normally, but the mother insists she can detect symptoms of a mental disorder.

What it feels like:

For a child of a parent who is exposing them to MPBS - they may be made to feel alarm or discomfort as a series of strangers intrusively examine and interrogate them looking for things that might be wrong. They are frequently receiving the message from grown-ups that something is wrong with them. This can lead to developmental delay, fear of strangers - especially doctors and a distorted world-view .

For third parties - spouses or relatives of people exhibiting MBPS-like behaviors this can be a confusing and frightening experience. You may not have all the facts you need to judge what is really going on. On the one hand - you do not want to keep a child away from critical medical care when they need. On the other hand, you do not want the child to be exposed to unnecessary and intrusive investigations and diagnoses, not to mention the associated psychological and physical damage.

For doctors and health care professionals - it can be disturbing and frightening when confronted with a parent who is possibly manifesting MBPS. There is the underlying fear of a malpractice accusation when facing a parent who will not take "no" for an answer. There can also be the confusion of having to deal other family members who vehemently disagree on what the facts are. Many doctors ultimately err on the side of caution - referring to specialists and ordering additional tests and over-medicating and over-diagnosing just to protect themselves. This succeeds in protecting the doctor but is often not in the best interests of the child.

What NOT to Do:

When dealing with a possible MBPS problem:

Don't get into arguments with the perpetrator.
Don't go it alone or try to solve the problem yourself.
Don't interrogate the child or share with them your disapproval of their parent.
Don't ignore the problem. Don't abdicate the problem to others. A child is possibly being abused. You must act.

What TO Do:

Seek advice from a well qualified attorney, Guardian ad litem or children's advocate.
Document all that you have observed as thoroughly and candidly as you can.
Report what you have seen. Be honest about what you know AND what you don't know (it will be uncovered anyway). Be objective and sincere - remember - it is a child you are representing and you must put the best interests of the child ahead of your own.
If you have regular contact with the child, assure them of their value, and praise their positive qualities.

For more Information on Munchausen by Proxy Syndrome (MBPS)...

Dr. Marc Feldman's Munchausen Syndrome, Malingering, Factitious Disorder, & Munchausen by Proxy Page - Information Site about Munchausen Syndrome and Munchausen by Proxy

http://www.msbp.com UK Site questioning the validity of MBPS/MSBP syndrome with links to news articles and cases where the theory has been discredited.

http://www.ashermeadow.com MBPS education & information site.

Site by MBP consultant & author Louisa Lasher

http://kidshealth.org/parent/general/sick/munchausen.htm

Name-Calling

Definition:

Name-Calling - Name-Calling is a form of Verbal Abuse which people sometimes indulge in when their emotional thought processes take control from their rational thought processes.

Description:

Derogatory name-calling often occurs when someone has an emotional argument to make with little or no supporting logical argument.

The emotional mind can often have a "mind of it's own" or "emotional intelligence" which operates independently of the factual, logical mind. When there is no logical argument to back up what the emotional mind is telling us, emotional outbursts such as name-calling often result.

Most people who indulge in name-calling know that the label or name they choose to describe another individual is not factually accurate. The label is often regarded as a hyperbole or a metaphor - which more accurately describes how the speaker feels about the other person than what the speaker actually thinks about the other person.

Examples:

"You B----"
"You little wh---"
"You are a worthless ----"
"My sister is totally useless"

What it feels like:

It's normal to feel hurt and defensive when a person starts labeling you or calling you names. When you are on the receiving end you lose in two ways.

The first way you lose is in loss of self esteem. You receive the message that someone important does not like you or thinks less of you than you actually are or deserve. You may begin to wonder "what is wrong with me that this person does not like me?"

The second way you lose is in discovering that after the insult, there is no path of resolution being offered to you. When a person is name calling, they have abandoned intelligent conversation in favor of emotional outburst. In an indirect way they are informing you that they are not immediately interested in problem solving, compromise, personal improvement, meaningful debate or mutually beneficial conversation.

Learning to Cope with Name Calling:

When a person resorts to name-calling, they have abandoned logic in favor of an exaggerated expression of their feelings for the time being. There is little to be gained by confronting them with any form of reasoned argument about what the facts are or about whether the name is warranted.

There are generally two constructive options open to the victim. The first is to stay and validate their feelings, but not their statements. The second is to leave and wait for a time when they are ready to engage on a more logical or constructive discussion. There are also a number of destructive options open - including retaliation, and enabling.

Feelings validation can sometimes produce constructive effects in people who are going through an emotional storm. Sometimes once their feelings have been understood and validated a person will quiet down and be willing to discuss the facts more rationally. However, the problem with staying and validating the feelings is that you may have to absorb a prolonged, ego-crushing series of insults for some time without retaliating. Most people have a limit of how much patience they have and not many people know how close they are to their limit. It is hard to control a conversation when the other person is in an emotional firestorm without getting personally hurt yourself. In general it is easier for therapists and other people not directly involved in a personality disordered person's life to provide this kind of validation since they are usually not the ones being insulted.

Since the resulting conflict rarely addresses the root problem - the way the personality disordered person suddenly feels so negative - these behaviors generally do nothing to make them feel better. Furthermore, if the non-personality-disordered person reacts defensively or destructively to name-calling, they may inadvertently turn a blaming episode into a self-fulfilling prophecy..

The real problem is that the personality-disordered individual feels bad. They want to feel better. A discussion or argument about your list of faults - or anybody else's is not going to solve it.

The other constructive option available when someone calls you a name is to politely decline to accept the label and exit the conversation. Exiting the conversation helps avoid a circular argument and refusing to accept the label asserts a boundary.

What NOT to Do:

Don't become defensive and validate a label or projection by arguing about it or about what the facts are. That will often lead to a circular conversation. Name-calling is an expression of a person's feelings, not the facts.
Don't assume that the person really believes what they are saying or always feels that way. Don't assume that there is a logical reason for why you are being called names.
Don't assume or believe that other people agree with the name you are called.
Don't try to play therapist or develop a fix-it syndrome. A person who has a personality disorder can't be changed by changing yourself.
Don't assume that because their blame is inaccurate, that they are being deliberately manipulative or calculating. They may be so focused on their feelings that they are giving very little attention to their behavior.

What To Do:

Remember that an episode of name-calling isn't about you. It's really all about the way the other person feels.
Pay attention to the feelings rather than the facts being expressed. While the facts may be way-off, the underlying feelings between the lines are often real and even honest - "I feel scared", "I feel worthless", "I feel weak" etc.
If you feel comfortable, you can model "I" statements in your responses - "I feel scared when you say that".
Remember that what the person is feeling is temporary and they will probably feel different in a few days or a few hours.
If necessary, you can verbally validate the name-caller's feelings while rejecting the label and try to redirect the person with the personality disorder to the real issue - so long as you are able to stay in the conversation without feeling threatened or hurt yourself and you aren't exposing others - such as children - to the abuse.
Politely, briefly and calmly refuse to accept the label and state the truth ONE TIME ONLY.
End the conversation by taking a time-out even if the other person doesn't want to.

Narcissism

Definition:

Narcissism - Narcissism is a term used to describe a set of behaviors characterized by a pattern of grandiosity, self-centered focus, need for admiration, self-serving attitude and a lack of empathy or consideration for others. The name comes from the Greek Mythological Character Narcissus, who rejected love from others and fell in love with his own reflection in the water. These characteristics are common in people who suffer from personality disorders, especially Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

Description:

Narcissism is named after the mythological Greek character Narcissus, an extremely handsome young man who rejected the love of Echo and, as punishment, was condemned to fall in love with his own reflection in a pool of water. Unable to obtain he object of his desire, he died there in sorrow.

NPD Characteristics & Traits

The following list is a collection of some of the more commonly observed behaviors and traits of those who suffer from Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Click on the links on each one for much more information about a particular trait or behavior and some ideas for coping with each.