Note to the ex

[12x28]

Just a few things for me to read when I'm feeling weak and thinking about how I miss you. Actually sending it to you or telling you would do absolutely no good for you or I. You would just take it as a chance to sink your fangs back into me, and I'd just be repeating things said many times over the years. I'm actually starting to consider myself crazy due to the popular notion of "doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result". The result is always and will always be the same, you care about yourself and nothing else. I've rode your trainwrecks several times, no more, I jumped off the speeding train. Yea, I got a little hurt but I'm brushing myself off and picking myself up. I might limp for awhile, might even have a scar, but I'm walking away.
Here's a few things I need to keep in mind when I feel like getting back on that doomed train.

Inappropriate conversation with aquantances that are guys. Talking about sexually suggestive situations is not ok and "I was only joking about it" is not a valid excuse. You get something out of it that's why you do it, it hurts me and you have been told that many times.

You think I would do the same thing you would in a similar situation. You've alway come to the club with me because if you were to go somewhere without me you'd have the chance to cheat on me. When I work overtime you doubt me because that was one of the ways you cheated on me. When I close a website as you walk into the room you think I was talking to someone, not that I was done reading the site.

The fighting and rage moods. I can see them in your eyes. You have a switch and when it's thrown there is no going back. Your feelings equal actions. If you feel slighted you fly into a rage, and I have no chance to explain a misunderstanding on your part or a poor choice of wording on my part.

You never ever initiate intimacey. And if I don't when you want it you get in a mood that makes me not want it. I can't read your mind.

More later.

[12x28]

The "tit for tat" law you live by. The law is "every action has an EQUAL and opposite reaction". Your law is "every action has an opposite over reaction". Kinda hard to explain this one but every thing has to be equal in your eyes. Problem is your equal is not equal in my eyes.

When you're in the mood for a fight I can see it, feel your determination and hear it in your voice. It's aways up to me to defuse the situation.

You once told me you can't control your feelings. I see now that for you, feelings equal actions and you can't control those either. I can and do.

The lies. You're so good at it I have no idea what to believe.

Yes, there's still more for later.

[12x28]

Another couple things.

I'll never figure out how working on a project to help save babies live's is wrong. As a mother, how could you say that? You're not religious but said God didn't want them to live so we shouldn't interfere. I am proud of that work, is it just that you feel the need to knock me down?

And your tatoo. Constant reminder that I was your second choice. At least you kept it covered most of the time.

[Dryad]

Good job saying those things and getting them out of the darkness and into the light.
Just one question, are you sure you weren't dating my BF?     I know all to well the flirting - especially online. 
Best to you.
~moon

[12x28]

Hi Moon,
Oh, there's a lot more I'll add later when I feel like it.

Since being NC I'm starting to realize how adversarial she made every aspect of our relationship. From what color to paint something to the kids affection.

Never a neutral ground anywhere. She could never see that in a compromise I didn't get what I wanted either, just that she didn't get what she wanted. And that meant I had to pay somehow.

With the kids she didn't seem to understand that they could love both of us, she always wanted them to love her more. If she felt they didn't, they had to pay.

Hmmm, when proof reading I realized I used 2 "never" and an "always". I'm didn't rewrite because I'd like peoples opinion, does this use fit with the definition of the trait? Flea or worse?

[practicingacceptance]

I catch myself using always and never and really I think it is our just our reaction to being abused, yes, it is an emotional response that perhaps we will have more control over once we are out of the situation. If you try to be thoughful to yourself, listening with a quiet mind mor than likely you don't say always and never. Much to black & white and if we thought that way all the time we wouldn't be with a PD. So breathe, you might have some fleas, I know I do. This morning I was starting to doubt myself by thinking (the brainwashing from my exPD) perhaps I was the PD one. OK, how crazy is that? I just have to find ways to really not react and perhaps shut out those thoughts that are negative. I have to remove myself (& thoughts) from this damaging train. Does that make any sense? We just have to know who WE are. We have to get stronger.

Your last post about your PD being adversarial. Yep, sounds exactly like mine. He lived on fighting with me. I usually ignored it. Of course, I see now after all those years that he did get to me. He did erode my confidence in my self-power.

Study up on FLEAS (that is what I am doing). Don't beat yourself up. Take it slow and take care of you.

[12x28]

Thanks practicingacceptance,
I don't norally use those words, I think it's the emotions this subject brings out and a little bit of fleas since she used them often.

Back to the ex,
And another thing I just figured out. When you accused me of splitting the kids into yours and mine, at counseling. I was perplexed cause I treated them all as OURS. It was you projecting, you were the one that was dividing them. And you spoke of our son as mine like he wasn't even your son, when you did it.

And lets keep the record straight on a few things.
I did not throw 'daughter' out of the house when we were still together, you did. No matter how many times you say I did, it still isn't true, ask her.
You did throw 'daughter' out of you apartment onto the street when she was pregnant. Even if you don't bring it up it still happened.
Yes I did throw 'son' out when he wasn't helping around the house. He had 2 months to do a few simple things, he had many warnings and opportunities. Bring this up as much as you'd like, it's true. Just please add that it was not without warning and it was his choice.
Telling people I will cut them out of my life and never speak to them again is you projecting. When was the last time you spoke to your mother? I met her once in the whole time we were together. You haven't spoken to her for at least 20 years. Who's the one that cuts people out? And why is that anyway?
And you think you were so smart that you had me paying child support to you while I was living there and supporting all the kids. You cancelled the case against the kids father but didn't cancel the one against me. I didn't care cause I figured all the money was going to the same place anyway. See that's the difference between you and me. You saw it as free money you spent as YOU wanted. I'd have spent it on things for the family like food and rent. Then you wondered why I had to accompany you down to the office to get my case cancelled.
The circular arguments. I never had a name for them but have been in hundreds with you. When I stopped talking you'd get totally pissed off.
The yelling you'd start then accuse me of yelling. When I'd calmly point out that you were yelling you'd yell that you weren't. But when I fell for your trap and did yell back suddenly you'd say I started the yelling.

OK people, thanks for letting me vent. I was feeling lonely for her today but that's passed for now.

[Dryad]

Happy to read it.  I guess it sounds weird but I have so much going through my head and it seems overwhelming to put it all down in writing.  When I read the things you wrote, and that others have written, I feel like someone did the hard part for me.  I just really wish we weren't all going through it.

[12x28]

Hi Moondancer,
I too wish we weren't going through this, but we'll be better coming out the other side, they will be the same. If they're happy that way good for them. Personally, I'm on a journey of self improvement and will be for the rest of my days.

Here's tidbit about a lightbulb moment I had shortly before joining this site. My son just graduated high school in June. When I was going through old papers he brought home I came across a few papers on dating and abusive relationships. In reading through them I realized that most of the signs of an abusive dating relationship were present with my exunPD. I sat there in shock reading it over and over trying to prove it wrong. I tried all kinds of reasons to discount it and I couldn't. I tried to balance and bargain with the papers, I couldn't. This happened after I had broken up with her so I should have been happy to be validated, I wasn't. The things that were abstract to me, things that caused me to break up with her were real and concrete. They were not subject to interpretation. That hurt.

[12x28]

Feeling pretty lonely today so I dredged up more of the kind of person she is.

She actually told our 9 yo son during the custody battle that if he didn't tell the judge he wanted to live with her that meant he didn't love her. Psychological examiner and the judge both agreed with me that he would not be asked who he wanted to live with.

When it was looking like she would loose custody she told son that she would give up visitation so she wouldn't have to pay child support, but when he's 18 he can come see her again. Yup, and stupid me fought to keep her in his life.

She once told me that if she thought I was cheating on her, she would cheat on me. I asked her what if she was wrong, never got an answer just a circular argument.

OK, still feeling lonely but not for her anymore.

[12x28]

Why do you keep coming to the club? No one wants you there, everybody thinks you're a slut cause of the way you talk to xxx and his "funny" e-mails to the whole club about you. You come, hang around and ask why no one talks to you, then you come back.

Leave me alone ok. You won, you got what you wanted. You have Mikey and he loves you more than me. You stuck me with the house you loved and I can't afford on one income. I'll be stuck with the debt if I can even get out. All your pets that were too hard for you to take care are my responsibility now cause you left them behind.

I will not break no contact so give up already. You are powerless. Not the kids nor any judge in the land can make me responsible for your trainwrecks EVER again. You squander every chance I've given you, you will not get another.

[practicingacceptance]

Good for you, 12x28! Hang in there! It sounds like you have been holding your ground. I know how hard that is and I don't even have to see my ex (I moved miles way-- temporarily-- last February).

Our experiences with our PDs have similarities, which I know most of us Nons here have.
I see mine in yours and this "note" is helping me stay strong. Thanks!

So I would like to return the favor.

I, also have the debt, the animals, our only adult daughter will not speak to me, even though she knows he is crazy.

I am frightened that she may have a PD. She puts me in the same category as him now-- controlling, manipulative, crazy-making. She lived the abuse, too.

I feel SO alone at times. And then I go this site and get relief.

I understand for me because I was in this relationship for most of my life, that I will probably be working on healing for the rest.
I am a patient person but when it comes to day-to-day functioning, I can only live it in denial. Which I have been doing forever, and it didn't work, obviously. So what CAN we do to help ourselves?

I think love yourself more than anything else. Give to yourself more than anyone. Praise yourself, honor yourself, respect yourself. Crap, be a narcissist (in a good way).

Secondly, protect yourself. Be brave. Find courage in whatever means possible. I find it through prayer and mindfulness.

We gave our self-power away to these people. Why I do not know. But we must fight for our own lives. Our stuff, remember?
Now it sounds like you are doing these things and I applaud you. 

They say it takes time and effort. This group here is running with that and we are doing it together. 

much peace and strength to you.
~pa

[12x28]

Thanks PA, I appriciate the reply and advise.

I recently understood why you guys here say it takes time. If you saw my post in "common beheaviors" about projecting senses it is about a flea I realized I have. If asked about a smell I instictivly respond that I smell it too, happened at work. Probably have many other fleas that will only get sorted out with time.

[12x28]

OK, you won again. I couldn't bring myself to cancel son's health insurance, he's good for another year. You know and take advantage of the fact that I'll never be able to act like you. I'll be resposible and do what's right while you do what ever the hell you want.

[12x28]

I'm going through some hard times now. I keep thinking about you and that I'd like your emotional support. But then I realize you've never given me any emotional support, encouragement or help with anything. I'll get through this without you just as I have for the last 20 years. In fact I'll probably do better without you around, you always made thing worse anyway.