Exhausting Friends with Your Drama & How You Are Coping

[FinallyWokeUp]

Hi.  I'm wondering if the way I'm trying to cope is similar to anyone else's way.

One of my main problems in my separation from my NH has been the sick feeling I get that comes like a wave over me.  The only relief I ever get is from a conversation with a friend where they convince me I'm going to be better off, he's not having the time of his life or simply discussing the situation.  After I speak with people, I feel better for a few hours (or an hour) and then the wave hits me again.  Each morning when I wake up, I have a nervous stomach from the realization of my situation.  I literally wake up & feel sick.

Yes, I told him to move out, yes, I'm much, much better off, but it's like I need constant support from friends (family really isn't there for me - my mom is a NH and has split all my bros and sisters from me).   I realize that everyone sees the situation better than I do, but isn't there a grieving period?  Who the hell can dust themselves off after the gaslighting/lying has left them pretty much unsure of what to have for dinner?  I thought I'd be announcing a pregnancy with this guy, not a divorce.

My sadness & obsessive thinking drives me nuts and I'm SURE it drives my friends nuts.  Right now, I've been up since 7:30am, it's 9:30am now and it's been 2 hours of talking myself out of obsessing and spiraling thinking.  It takes everything I have NOT to contact a friend.  I try to suppress things during conversations just so I don't "bother" anyone. 

I have many friends now who, naturally, are eager for me to move on.  It's funny, b/c I look at these same ppl in their messed up relationships and think, "You'd NEVER have the strength or nerve to do what I'm doing."  I realize that ppl are right, but after 9 years, it's hard to be comfortable with an uncertain future in just 6 short weeks.  My cousin is a therapist and her advice/help is TERRIBLE.  It's so clinical and everything is, "Focus on you, get a job, what are you doing today, get something to do for 5 hours a day...."

Is she right?  YES.  Is it beyond, beyond hard for me to sit and think about a job when I'm sick to my stomach and don't have the mental capacity to?  YES.

Anyway, I was wondering if you guys feel like a burden to your friends and what you're doing about it.  I find it so, so hard to move on so quickly.  It's so beautiful out, yet I just feel such sadness and longing for a friend to help me.  I feel like I need to start self-soothing, but it's so difficult.   

[rosie]

I experienced this when my father was divorcing my mother. He would buttonhole virtual strangers and talk AT them until they were squirming to get away. Yes, is was inappropriate, and embarrassing. In your case, I would begin with journaling. Paper is a lot more patient than friends who have already heard it anyway, and you have the added advantage of being able to burn the pages at some point.

You cousin wasn't completely off base in suggesting you do other things. Especially physical exercise seems to help work through emotional problems. The repetitive nature of the moments are soothing, and your mind chatter seems to slow down. What is your favorite method of letting off steam?

[FinallyWokeUp]

Yikes.  No, I'm not doing what your dad did,  maybe I just think about reaching out more than I do.

You are right.  I'll try the journal.  I also have to get on the exercise thing again.  I've always been very athletic, it's just so hard when you feel down.

Thanks!   

[Lala1120]

Oh em gee. YES! I could have written this post! This is the story of my life for the past two months!

Giving you advice would be like the blind leading the blind! Lol.

But all I can say is, YES! You have articulated my feelings exactly. And it's not like my friends won't be there but I feel as though I have consumed so much of their time and energy talking about my issues with H, that if they were to do the same with me, I would imagine that I would dread picking up the phone because I would already know what they were going to talk about.

What helps a little with me is thinking about short-term goals because when I think of the longevity of the situation, I get depressed. It's difficult for me to actually believe things will change and get better because all I know now is what is going on in the present - and it's not good. When I say short-term, I mean like, having plans for that particular day. Yesterday I did this I was extremely productive - accomplished way more than I had set out - and was proud of it.

A good friend said to me when I was feeling depressed - or the "wave," as you've described - that the depression and sadness caused by my current situation with H is caused by merely misunderstanding. Misunderstanding that life is supposed to conform with my hopes and dreams of what it should be. My hopes and dreams were that I'd marry H and live happily ever after. Your hopes and dreams were that you'd be announcing your pregnancy. Neither of those things happened. And now we're experiencing the emotional shock that occurs when our hopes and dreams conflict with reality. And we mentally torture ourselves by retracing our steps and thinking about the woulda, coulda, shoulda's that could have prevented us from winding up here in the first place and that can aid us in not making the same mistakes in the future.

I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason, even if we don't understand what that reason it and our misunderstanding is causing us pain and emotional discomfort.

You are not alone and there are plenty of people out there that are miserable because of the PD in their life - myself included!

I do the same thing with my friends - I think about the crazy, dysfunctional relationships they have been in and how it's easier for them to comment on my relationship than to do anything about their own situations.

FinallyWokeUp - feel free to PM and dump on me anytime! I'm in the exact same situation in terms of friends and have been handling it the same way by withdrawing because I don't want to burden them. My family support is virtually zilch so I can relate to you on that as well.

[swp]

I was reading through all the PD descriptions thinking, "In order to get away from a bad PD situation(s) you almost have to become isolated which makes you PD."

I found a divorce group to be really helpful when I was going through issues.  They really understood and I didn't feel weird.  I also think that running helps a lot.  You run and it makes you exhausted and it also helps you feel like you got away.  The person that I thought handled this period the best, spent a long time saying, "I'm feeling very sad.  Its been a bad year.  The she would give the sad update and everyone gave her the space to not participate if she wanted."  That went on for a long time.  Rebuilding a life is like waiting for a garden to grow after a fire. 

[mychoice33]

FWU, What you are experiencing is NORMAL, imo.  I have filed after 33 years last summer and it's been up and down since them.  There are definitely low spots.  I have tried just about everything, medication, trauma therapy, group therapy, talking with friends, blogging, creative pursuits.  You just have to put one foot in front of the other, the best you can.

Yes, it's tough to not unload on your friends non stop.  You'll get there.

[weeza]

  I would agree that a journal is a good place to start. It has helped me immensely because I felt like I was constantly rehashing with my friends. I know they are tired of hearing it. In my case I haven't ended the relationship but I am stuck in the tangle of the life I am living and the life I want to be living.I know that sick feeling.Some days are better than others but often when I get that "wave" as you describe it I just want to pull the covers over my head and go back to sleep. It is a paralyzing feeling and at those times the best I can feel is numb. Thanks Lala1120 for the advice of setting short term goals. That is something I will try if I can get past the paralysis.

[FinallyWokeUp]

Thanks so much to all of you.   

I figured ppl on this board would get this because if you're dealing with a PD, you're definitely needing someone to validate you.  Being a codependent who has been gaslighted for 9 years, I need validation more than the next person.  It's like I no longer trust what I see and hear and therefore, need constant validation from outside sources.  I think I also can't believe some of the stuff my NH does, and that makes me need to bounce it off another person.

Like many of you, I never thought I'd be divorcing.  Just seemed like something "other" people did.   It's so strange for me that I wake up each morning, alone, and take stock and I just lose it. 

Joining a divorce group was something I was thinking of, but didn't really want to drag out the whole thing...but if these sad creeping feelings continue for much longer, I probably will need to. 

[kitty]

I clean and organize the house. Just finished with the garage in this 107 degree heat. Tired myself completely out. Took six days. All the H's books had to be reboxed for the move to the apartment. And the machinery had to be cleaned (lawn mower etc) since the H doesn't understand that machinery needs to be clean and free of particles that can get into the engine (oh, well).

Last time i cleaned the house in a frenzy because I was furious with the H. I got out a steam cleaner people use to clean engines and completely stripped the floor in the kitchen of 15 years of layer after layer of wax. Then I blew a hemorrhoid. But the kitchen shines.

Trying not to be funny but you gotta admit it is better than going to the bar and falling off your bar stool.

I find simple, physical projects help me to put the anger into something constructive. Even if it is just cleaning (but it has to be done, may as well do it in a rage).

If I did not do things like this I would be even more miserable. I wish I had a garden. It would probably rank up there with the Amazon. I would get my hands in that dirt and make it LIVE, create something beautiful while using up all that rage in doing something physical.

yep, that is what I would do if I had a garden.

kitty - I think I am getting an idea!

[sparky63]

I absolutely understand how you feel . i am in the process of separating from my OCPD/BPD wife of 7 years and we are still living in the same house .I am absolutely certain that this is the right and only decision but yet i too can't stop the obsessive thinking and rumination that goes around and around regardless of what i am doing .The anger and the hurt that i feel despite being the one to end it, is overwhelming .She is still in the home with me and i hear her laughing on the phone in the adjoining bedroom and ripping me apart to her few friends and family who fully support her and think it is i that has the problem .She seems to be coping far better than  i am .It is so painful.

i measure the quality of my days by how much i obsess about her .When with friends and family , i think they  avoid bringing up the situation because they know that i will go into an hour long conversation about the newfound information that i found with regards to her PD.They don't seem to really want to understand the PD thing .They just think that she is a sick ,mean spirited bitch and i should just be happy that she will soon be gone .Perhaps they are right .

Someone mentioned validation !! that is what i need . Somebody to understand what i have gone through with her .

i wish that i could just go to sleep for a year and wake up with no memory of her .But i know that there is a reason why i end up with women like this and despite fairly extensive therapy ,i still need to learn somehow to love myself and to stop seeking it from people that simply cannot love in a manner that i deserve

[weeza]

I think we are all struggling with the same issues. Despite the anger that I sometimes feel,and the hurt and the disappointment there is always the niggly little feeling that maybe if I tried alittle harder things would be better.Also there were so many good times early on that it makes me sad when I think back. Sometimes it is as if I was involved with 2 different people,a before and an after so to speak. I think that I have chosen badly on more than 1 occasion. I have spent almost 10 years with this person and there are so many memories,some very good. Lately I am in what I call the "discovery mode" I am constantly trying to match the behaviors etc with my new knowledge of the PD. My friends also dont really care about a label,they just think I am with a controlling a@#hole!

[JamesP]

I have lost friends over my drama with my ex wife because they got tired of hearing it. I know I was going through alot last year and the divorce was final this year but sadly I lost alot of friends in the process because I talked about my problems to them and they got tired of hearing about it and eventually my friends stopped hanging out with me. I have a High School friend that has been by my side through it all and understands everything but everyone else got tired of my BS and left I hope one day I can be friends with my old friends but until then I guess I have to wait it out. Amazing what divorce can do to friendships......

[Stayingthecourse22]

What a great thread..I have a friend who shares the knack of attracting these types like bees to honey.  We alternately take turns talking about our issues, feelings of loneliness and anger, asking each other why it happened and what we could have done differently! Some days these conversations can be agonizingly long.  It turned out to be a wake up call for me because there are times when I think "I can't listen to this anymore!" which then becomes "wow..this is what I sound like!".  I think validation is the crux of the issue because these relationships don't end with us being considered a person of value.  Instead, through gasighting and the like we end up thinking it was all of our fault...a result of some character flaw/s.  journaling is great.  It becomes a record of our feelings.  I feel that posting here on the forum is also beneficial.   I never get tired of reading or writing posts on this site. I never get tired of posting something that someone may have posted some time ago.  I need to be heard sometimes and with PDs, we aren't always listened to. My feelings have been validated here and Im pretty sure that all of our responses help validate others feelings .  As time goes on, I do believe the pain will subside, and clarity will begin for us  Hopefully, we will gain our self esteem back and our validation will come from within.

[JamesP]

  I wish I had friends like that. I have so many things to say but I cannot keep saying  to my high school friend I am sure he would say James I am so tired of hearing about her I know she keeps contacting you but please... I am in the process of going to a therapist but he is booked at the moment so I have to wait that one out at the moment so here I sit wanting to talk to my friend but I cannot talk to my friend because I know even though he has been there for me through thickness and thin I do not want to keep burdening him with my drama. I feel so alone at times...... I wish I had friends that have been through what I have been through and understood what I am going through and luckily I found this site and hopefully I can gain some clarity.

[Stayingthecourse22]

JamesP, I am fortunate. While  I certainly wouldn't wish this on anyone, it has a wee bit easier explaining to someone who knows.  I tried getting her to join the forum here. I have learned so much here. You too will learn and feel some comfort. Consider us all your friends. You're right...unless you have gone through this, it is very hard to explain. So many of my friiends have said " move on...get over it" but you and I both know that is so much easier said than done. Although we may not be your immediate friends, we will be here for you. In the meantime, I congratulate you on pursuing a therapist. That is challenging to me. I'm not sure who has experience in this since not all therapists are.  Learning why we attract these types is really the issue, I think. We can't change them, but we can change our reactions to them. The change in ourselves creates change in the dynamics in the r/s and that is uncomfortable for me.  Keep asking questions here and know that are here for you!