Coping with Personality Disorders > Chosen Relationships

why do i fear the rage? emotional terrorism...

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stinky:
during the last couples counseling session i had with my h, our counselor told me that i am holding back. he asked me why i am holding back. my immiedate response was so i wouldn't hurt my h's feelings.
after some time passed, i realize now that i am afraid of the rage abuse he pulls when he is hurt.
hope that might help some of us...
anyone have any more insight of being beaten into submission by emtional terroism, the rage?

Mirrorgirl:
I have this more with my mother than my H, but I think I have a fear of negative emotions in general.  I had lots of unpleasant experiences as a child where other people's negative emotions led to them raging, and then the rage led to my being abused, so I think my primitive brain has learned to avoid setting people off in an effort to keep myself safe.

In my FOO, no one knew how to handle negative emotions, so they did whatever they could to make these feelings go away.  When they felt hurt, they associated that feeling with being "punished" and they needed to avoid punishment at all costs.  (Punishment implied that you were "bad" and they couldn't deal with that.)  So they got angry and felt shame, and then they reacted to this shame by dumping these uncomfortable feelings onto someone else in the form of abuse.   

So I think I have a legitimate reason to fear rage.  It has led to a lot of pain in my life.

EmptyInsideUK:
This topic has really struck a chord with me, stinky!!

When my h starts "discussing" the problems in our relationship, I no longer get involved.  I do not express my opinion, or explain why I feel a certain way, why I say particular things, why I think he says certain things etc ... because I know that by speaking, I will be expressing things that he does not want to hear, that I am apparently blaming him for the problems and that I am shifting responsibility and changing the discussion away from "the issues." 

Back in the old days, I would stand my ground and fight my corner ... I know I have faults and undoubtedly have to take some of the blame for some of the issues we have, but in the same vein so does he ... and he refuses to accept that.  So when I would speak up, he would rage at me, get emotionally violent, shouting at me and in my face, huffing and puffing and going all
 :hulk:

So now I stay quiet, let him say his piece ... and if he starts to have a go at me for not taking part in the "discussion" I say to him that I am staying silent so that he cannot accuse me of blaming him or trying to pick a fight.

So I am the same as you, I hold back to prevent a rage.  When he rages, it is hurtful to me, so holding back is a form of self-preservation.  It might not be healthy, it might reinforce a victim mentality in us, but until I break free, I have to try to keep the situation as calm as possible.

reclaimingme:
Hi Stinky

Has he ever hurt you physically when in a rage?

One of my 'aha' moments came a few months back.  I didn't understand why I backed down and let him walk all over me - apologizing for anything and everything.  I did understand that I did it to avoid his rages but it wasn't the underlying reason.  I had hidden away that he had physically hurt me (pushed me up against a wall then stormed off - lucky in hindsight that it didn't go further) and that hurt came at the end of a rage.  That was the underlying reason - it took me time, distance and being safe before I was able to connect the dots and actually accept what had happened.

Just wondered if there was something that occured in the past with one of your h's rages...

stinky:
I also have have a avoidance to confrontation ingrained in me from my childhood. Add that and the knowing that he will emotionally abuse me, blame me, and at times be aggressive to me directly and indirectly... it makes a lot of since to surrender before it even begins.
He has threatened me with divorce almost everytime(up till now because he's begging me to dismiss my petition). He has broke dishes, kicked down doors, packed his computer and clothes and left, hit me with his head phones across the chest, kicked the dogs, put me down, and even kicked me out.  There's more, but I don't want to write all night lol.
So I see know more clearly he has used the rage to control me. It still controls me, because I didn't realize it till now.
I will talk this through with my personal therapist, and bring it up at the next couples therapy. 
It's amazing what I allowed happen ... and still do.
Thanks all, your thoughts are greatly helpful  :bigwink:

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