Coping with Personality Disorders > Chosen Relationships

Unravelling?

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EmptyInsideUK:
Hi everyone

I am becoming concerned for my h's current mental state.  Since I got a new job 145 miles from home, he seems to be unravelling.  Let me give a bit of background:

I am a healthcare professional, and for our entire married life I have worked away from home during the week and travelled home for the weekends.  The money is good, I love the challenge of new places and different professional stimuli.  H has applauded the financial side of things, has praised my professionalism and skill etc. and everything was fine.  Even after his head injury in 2006, my working away was fine (after a period where I stayed at home to care for him after his release from hospital).

I finished my last job in January and we then had a 3 month holiday abroad visiting my family.  When we got back home, there were a number of problems with my professional paperwork (things had expired while I was away) and I couldn't start working straight away.  H had been saying since the end of last year that his business was doing well enough that he could support us both, that I didn't have to work etc.  I admit to having warning bells going off at this, could not bear the thought of being dependant on him for everything since I know what he can be like when it comes to money etc.  I also didn't want to lose my professional skills, so wanted to get back to work - if I don't practice my profession for an extended period (2yrs) then I am classed as de-skilled and need to complete a return to practice course.

Subsequently, during my period of enforced unemployment, my father became seriously ill overseas and there was a possibility that I might have to fly back out if things got critical.  Fortunately, it wasn't needed, but although h had set aside money for the flights, he (finally) admitted that there wasn't really enough money to support us both AND pay for the flights.  As such, he then admitted that I needed to go back to work and his previous financial claims were "inaccurate" (I won't call them lies, they are more likely his PD coming to the fore in claiming he is so successful in his business, has tons of money etc).

Given the behaviours that I have seen him exhibit over the 10 years we have been together, I suspect he has Antisocial Personality Disorder with strong Narcissistic tendencies.

OK so thats the background.  Now to the current situation:

I started my new job last week.  I am thriving there ... the professional stimulus, being away from his PDness, the knowledge that I am earning good money again ... all of these are making me HAPPY!  H and I made an agreement that we wouldn't smoke (me) or drink (him) in each others presence ... I have totally quit smoking now (2 and a half months) and he doesn't drink when I am at home - when he drinks he becomes a monster, blaming me for everything thats wrong in our relationship, grabbing me in public in an inappropriate sexual manner, flirting with girls even if I am there, talks about his business to the people in the pubs and claims he is making business contacts, phones people at 3am, texts incessantly ... the list goes on.

I left for my new job on Tues 5th June ... by the time I had arrived there 3 hours later, he was already drunk - confirmed this to me in a text message.  He must have left the house moments after I drove away.  Last week, I suspect he was out drinking too based on the crude language he used in his texts (there is a particular word I hate him using, and that one was in almost every text) and the bizarre things he said.

He said he was going to grow a beard but only until 21st June (??? no idea what that is about!) and he also said he had been looking online at apartments in two nearby big cities and he thinks he is going to take one for himself.  That one really concerns me ... he is out of control enough to do it.  I know he loves city life, but he is also too obsessed with his money to spend out on an apartment as well as our house.  BUT ... my concern is that he might use it as a stepping stone to infidelity.  A shag pad if you like.  Also, he is telling me we need to save our money, wants me to put all my earnings into our joint checking account ... but he wants to spend "our" money on a flat somewhere else that HE wants to get? There is no mention of it being OUR flat.

His mother sent an email to our joint email address after his most recent drinking session too ... said that she thinks he should find himself a constructive hobby for the evenings to save himself from boredom and unhappiness.  Quite intriguing ... would love to know what was said in that conversation.

All in all, I am concerned that he is unravelling bit by bit as a result of me being away from home, working, earning money and obviously thriving.  I think perhaps he is seeing his control over me slipping away, that I am not dependant on him, that being away from him actually makes me happier than being with him ... and he can't handle it.  Hence the drinking, the text about getting a place of his own (tit for tat? or shag pad?), his texts are becoming rather impersonal as if he were texting an acquaintaince rather than his wife.

One final incident ... last night we went into town to get our regular Friday night takeaway.  When we were returning to the car, he waved at some girls who were walking on the other side of the street, told me he didn't know who they were.  I asked "But they waved at you first?" and his response was "Of course, I am the best looking guy in our town" ... spoken in such a confident, convinced tone of voice as if it was an indisputable fact.  (Afterwards I think I recognised one of the girls as our hairdresser, but I am not sure.  It could have been girls that he chatted up in the pub while drunk!)

What are your thoughts?  Has anyone else been through something similar?  Any comments welcome.  I want to know whether I should view it as just a typical cycle of his PD behaviour, or whether I need to consider contacting his GP to discuss an urgent assessment or intervention of sorts.

rosie:

--- Quote ---All in all, I am concerned that he is unravelling bit by bit as a result of me being away from home, working, earning money and obviously thriving.  I think perhaps he is seeing his control over me slipping away, that I am not dependant on him, that being away from him actually makes me happier than being with him ... and he can't handle it.  Hence the drinking, the text about getting a place of his own (tit for tat? or shag pad?), his texts are becoming rather impersonal as if he were texting an acquaintaince rather than his wife.
--- End quote ---
This is completely typical PD behavior, and you cannot control it.  Even if it hurts terribly, you have to let him do whatever it is he is doing. A PD, and especially an antisocial PD, is a mental illness. The so-called unravelling can have various reasons. MAybe he is trying to guilt you into being upset, or maybe he is just showing his true colors more because he thinks you are leaving, or maybe he is having a bad time. Whatever reason, you cannot control it or even influence it - it's his disease talking.

What intervention do you think the GP should do?

EmptyInsideUK:
Thanks for the reply, Rosie

I appreciate your thoughts on this.  I am struggling with it, not knowing whether to try to talk to him or just ignore it, whether to take it to heart or not.  Even things like him not asking please or saying thank you seem more pronounced now, although that is likely to be my heightened emotional state at present.

With regards his GP, I was wondering whether I should speak to his GP and discuss my concerns and ask for a psychiatric evaluation in terms of APD ... h had a psych eval 20 months ago at his own instigation, but was purely from a self-preservation action.  He had got himself into trouble (again) and wanted to have "proof" that he was mentally unstable in case it was needed in terms of a defense if court action ensued (civil matter, relating to breach of business practices).  Needless to say, he tells me he played the drooling idiot to the shrink and I can quite expect that of him. 

What I would hope for is that a psychiatrist or neuropsychologist would be asked to test for Cluster B PDs in order to gain a diagnosis and try to put a therapy regime in place.  I know the compliance rate is low in people with B type PDs, but I think if there is a formal diagnosis it might make a difference.  Also, the psychiatrist/psychologist would be testing specifically for these things rather than doing what I imagine was a general psychiatric evaluation?

The GP might also be able to talk h into trying to use his meds again ... h respects the GP, so maybe would be prepared to give it another go.

Just so confused right now.  Everything is going really well with ME (new job, fab new haircut that is theatre-cap proof for a change, earning good money, doing well in my photography hobby - have had some photos accepted by a BIG stock agency) and I am really thriving right now, but when it comes to him it seems like the dark cloud is descending over our lives again.  I say OUR lives, because his actions affect me ... I have to deal with a lot of the fall-out of his actions (in the case of the civil infringement, because I am co-owner of part of the business, I would also be taken to court if things had progressed that way).

rosie:
The assessment sounds like a good idea, but will he go for it? He tried to influence the last one, and may try to influence this one. It's worth a try in any case.

MakingChanges:
I guess I would more want to know what you think you want to do for you in this situation?  Is the marriage working otherwise?  Can you live in a marriage where you have to be his jailor to keep him under control?  Are the benefits you get out of this partnership worth all the sacrifice you make?  You seem really happy to be away from it all.  You were so excited a few weeks ago to get away from him.  You're thriving, your ego is bursting with pride over your job and paycheck, and you're enjoying the new people you're meeting.  So I guess I'm saying to put away your caretaking of him for a while, and dig inside of yourself to see what you want, what you need, is he capable of being a partner, is he the partner you want?  If you're worried about infidelity, his management of marital money, his emotional state: can you live with that forever?  Do you want to love with that forever. 

His behavior sounds like it's triggering your codependency.  You sounded much stronger and more focused a few weeks ago when you felt in control of the home front.  I personally have the same trouble.  When I was in the R/S I felt in control.  When the R/S ended and all my ex's BPD craziness came out, I felt very unstable with my obsessive need to save the day.  I think you have to look at what personal behaviors his behavior is triggering in you. 

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