Hi and thanks for reading. I find that the only thing that really helps when you're going through something like this is other people - their advice, their stories and their support.
I've been married to my husband for 8 years (together 9). When we started out, everything was great, he gave me the family I so desperately wanted (even tho it was just him and I) and I finally felt safe and cared for after having been raised in an alcoholic home with a Narcissistic mom & drinking dad.
I've always thought his reactions to things were a little strange and uncomfortable. Being a very empathetic person, I just figured maybe I was a little too concerned about others and his reactions might be a little more "normal." They weren't. Some things were different about him, but I found it intriguing and since he was such a nice, nice guy, nothing seemed malicious.
Not too long into the marriage I caught him in a few lies. I became enraged. I'm very, very honest and I had no idea he would lie to me, so it was a real shocker when I found out. But, like everyone else in the world, after you hear a few lies, you kind of start believing that everything you're being told could be a lie. So, I quickly became untrusting of him. He would blame it on me: "You don't trust me!" Never realizing that people don't trust you if you're a liar. With N's I quickly realized that it's always YOUR fault, never theirs. It's exhausting and kills your spirit. I found myself not believing anything he said - from what he ate to where he went. There was always something that wasn't right about everything he told me. If you've not lived in a home like this, I can tell you that it's just CRAZY MAKING (an actual term).
I also didn't know about gaslighting before him. To explain, it's basically when someone tells you something that you're seeing/feeling/experiencing is NOT happening. So, they can tell you that a coffee table is a dog and they'll fight you to the death about it. Soon you start to actually lose it. I know I did. I would catch him red-handed is a straight up lie and he'd stand in front of whatever the lie was and say it wasn't there. A dry sink? He washed his hands a minute ago and it dried already. His handwriting on something? That's not HIS handwriting...must be someone else's. It got to the point that I was seeing a doctor about medicine, as he puts it, "for my depression." He would look at me like I was out of my mind and also in pity, not seeing for a second that him creating his nutso environment was making me crazy.
Oh, I should mention that he's got Erectile Dysfunction and has not been sleeping with me for years...we would try, but it would NEVER work! I work with children and have wanted kids more than anything in the world and he basically would blame "it" not working on everything else. In the beginning it was the lights, then he needed music, then no condoms, then it finally became, "because you're not nice to me." That's when I really lost it. He would refuse to take showers on nights when we would try to have sex (it never worked out anyway, but at least I thought I'd give it a shot). He kept insisting to me that "we were trying." How, when we never had sex? So, now I'm stuck 9 years later at 41 with no kids (I recently came to the conclusion that he does not want kids - although he insists he does). I think the reason he doesn't want them is because he thinks he's the "kid" of the house, I'm the "mom" he never had and he doesn't want a sibling. He won't admit it, but he's avoided sex and even convos about adoption in the worst ways. My life has been hellish.
Oh, FYI, his main complaint is that I don't "hold his hand" walking down the street (NPD - all about appearances) or give him "hugs." I actually asked him, "Is that what you're not getting? Hand holding and hugs? "Yes." Sad face from him. "Okay, well I never have sex and the chances of me having children are slim." Him: "I need more affection." What a jerk! Sex is affection if you ask me.
So, here I am with this guy who is not attractive, has bad hygiene, has an eating disorder, is gaslighting and lying to me. So, I decide to go to counseling with him.
He starts lying so much in counseling that I decide that I can't even be in the room with him for it - he takes a 1/2 hour and I get the other one. He lied the entire time - even about trying to have sex with me and then tried to convince me that we did try - more gaslighting to make me feel even more confused about what's real and what's not.
So, about two weeks ago I asked him to move out. I work with him (not everyday- only once/twice a month) so it's impossible to cut off everything, but I have to say, I don't miss "HIM" but I am very, very lonely and it's strange being in the apt by myself now. Everyone has their families and kids, and here I am 9 years later sad without a child and alone. My friends have been great, but you don't want to exhaust people with your problems. I have a new therapist (she's actually the one who told me that NPD is pretty much a losing battle).
I'm a homebody, but that's got to change. He texts and tries to call, but I'm just so angry with him (he has NO idea he's got NPD - as far as he knows, I'm just "mean" to him.
I'm seeing a lawyer this week and can't wait to get rid of him. We're not even sure how the money thing is going to work out seeing that he's such a liar about everything...
If you have an thoughts/ideas, etc. I'd love them. I really got duped.