Coping with Personality Disorders > Separating & Divorcing

similar story to lala1120 ....ex's behaviour, what will he do next?

(1/2) > >>

newMoon:
I have separated from my ex (NPD for sure) and we'd been sharing the same house while we tried to sort out the details of splitting assets etc. He has been hell to live with as he's been out to do whatever he can to make my life hell, it got to the point last Thursday when he smashed the cat litter box and shut a door on my hand deliberately, denied anything, then did the usual baiting me while I tried to go to sleep. Anyway I went to the police on Friday and made two statements about his behaviour, he was arrested and questioned. Even though I have photos of previous bruises, and a current bruise on my hand, and police believe me, he denied it ALL and they did not charge him due to lack of evidence (UK law and apparently common in DV cases). But even though he was released, they told him they know stuff is happening (I'm categorized as high risk from DV now) he wasn't allowed home and he's been told to move out. He agreed.

I want the navy involved with this and the police in the UK do inform them in DV cases, but I will be contacting his CO. OK it really does lay it out there (especially since he has an immaculate service record), and by doing this I do wonder how he'll retaliate, but I think I need to tackle things head on to show him I'm not afraid. I half expect counter allegations to be made, I expect my name is well and truly trashed in his circles, I certainly expect to be hit hard financially when we sell this house, but part of me also wonders if he would cross 'that' line. I am taking precautions, I lock all my doors and windows all the time, park away from the house so I have a clear view going to and from, I'm going to figure out the alarm tomorrow. I also have other places to stay if things do get bad again, though I don't want to as I have two children and a cat. I have to be one step ahead of him in the house as we've had discussions on security here before so I know how he thinks.

He came to collect some stuff today, I stayed out the way so I didn't see him and he'd brought his brother (a good mediator and will hopefully keep him in check ) nothing was said, he collected some stuff and then he went.

Its the not knowing how he is feeling (I imagine he's shocked as he's used to being in control), or what he's planning.

oneflewover:
How brave of you to have taken all these steps!  Not easy when DV is at play. 

Is there a good womens shelter where you are at to lean on the next few transitionary months? 

Lala1120:
Even though I'm in a very similar situation, I feel like I have more of a "bird's eye view" being an outsider to your particular situation. I think contacting the C.O. is a good thing to do even though thinking of the ramifications of that (on behalf of your NPDH) may be frightening. If your H is anything like mine, he WILL trash your name, make up accusations (including projections of what he's doing!). You can expect that. But know that if he sounds crazy, more than likely people will think he is crazy and doubt the things he says about you whether they are true or not. I know from experience that it is quite telling if you have to wonder in the first place whether he will "cross that line" but that you hope against all hopes that he will not. With PDs, it's tough because they're not rational so you may do things or make decisions that you think a rational person would be receptive to but not necessarily with a PD.

I understand your predicament in that I'm wondering what my PD is planning now that, for the first time, I have taken control of the situation by putting his belongings outside after he refused to leave. I don't you can know until if and when something happens but what you can do is protect yourself and you seem to be doing that by locking your doors and windows. Lately, my only plan is to try to protect myself and make modifications as needed if/when he contacts me. I understand your not wanting to leave the house. I didn't want to leave either but I don't think I could rest/go to sleep knowing that at any moment he may break in or be lurking around outside.

I'm keeping you in my prayers, New Moon.

TOBATTTPD:
First and foremost, you are brave, and did EXACTLY what he thought you would not do. He thinks he knows you, that fear, that guilt, that fog, you don't deserve this. I know in England you cannot carry a weapon, so you are gonna have to think outside the box. Ann Rule has a bunch of books on crime, Brad Cunningham is a famous personality disordered person in the U.S.  He thought of all kinds of ways to torment his "wives". The first thing he did was try and victimize them by saying cruel and untrue things about them being unfit mothers, sluts, alcoholics, he diminished them to his new partners (victims). He then would mess with they're heads by letting the air out of the tires, moving things in the house, taking things out of the house, like photos, weird stuff that the police could not pin on him. Remember the one up, IT IS YOUR TURN LADIES... think outside the box, this is a game to them, and take back your life, go live it... Do what you need to do, to be able to live the life you want, push back if you have to, without fear, because that is EXACTLY what he thinks, you will be too fearful to follow through. Brad Cunningham was only able to hurt and kill his last wife because she was in denial about how bad he really was. She allowed to meet with him without another person being with her. So, the next step when you follow through is have the police, a friend or family member with you AT ALL times, never allow yourself to be alone with him. Ann Rule wrote about Brad Cunningham to prevent another woman being a victim to a personality disordered individual, it may scare you, but if you look at his case, you will find informative information that will help you be more secure in how you handle yours. You are brave, smart and you can look at this objectively, be your own best friend.  :yeahthat:

reclaimingme:
Hi - thoughts are prayers are with you New Moon.

You are doing great work and taking great steps.  Contacting the CO is a must.  Usually the services have support for family (as in counselling etc) so you could also ask the CO about that - you would be entitled to use it so do it if you can - it also puts more information on record which protects you and the kids in the long run.


--- Quote ---Its the not knowing how he is feeling (I imagine he's shocked as he's used to being in control), or what he's planning.
--- End quote ---

This is probably the toughest bit of all and I know what that fear is like.  While we are thinking about them and trying to second guess what their next step will be, we are still tied to their world as we are worried about them - yes because of the safety to ourselves - but they are worrying about themselves.

Have you listed down what you want to achieve?  My first goals were - to have emotional and financial stability for me and the kids.  So that is what I set to work on.  So I would try to focus on doing something that would help me achieve that for me and the kids.

The things that annoyed me, angered me or scared me were on a separate list that I would only look at when I was wavering or playing down how bad things were - I had to make myself angry enough to fight for a better life.  Writing them down got them out of my head and somewhere I could use them

Then I would go back to the list of goals to work out what I could do next.

When the thoughts about him, and what he will do next prevail, clean out something of his in preparation for trashing it or having it there to be sent to him or collected.  It feels good to purge and it is another part of him out of your life.  You feel positive about doing something and you can take out some of your frustration with the psychological action of putting stuff even into a trash bag.

Journal - write down what you are thinking and how you are feeling - it really helps.  Also document - when he calls, visits, actions you have taken etc - the log may help with clearing up legals etc, and when we are emotional we don't always remember the details - it is a great reference thing for you.

Reconnect with people - you have likely been distanced because of your PD - I slowly reconnected with people - it gave company and I found my true friends were really there for me - it gave extra support, people checked up on me, and I also had more options if I felt there was a real need to flee - didn't happen but knowing I could gave me power and comfort.

Keep on going you are doing great.  Keep posting and asking we are there with you all the way.

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page