How common is Cheating???

[12x28]

Mine cheated twice that I know of. I suspect that out the many other times she had the chance that she did on some of them.
Way back at the beginning of our relationship she said that if she "thought" I was cheating on her, she would cheat on me. Based on the number of times she's accused me she's cheated a whole lot more than twice.

[peachie]

I hear that it is really very common.  My ex BF is sexually obsessed with me, but also using me as a tool to make other women attracted to him.  He made comments about how it is great to date me because now women find him attractive.  He has a couple of PD female friends that have offered him sex back when he was married as well as right in front of me at parties.  They knew we were together and that sweetened the pot for them.  He feeds off it too as he said it feeds his ego.  I backed off and said that maybe he should date one of those women since he doesn't feel like he should tell them to back off and have respect for our (now former) relationship. The thing is he doesn't want them, because they will cheat on him too, but yet he wants them around to feed off the attention.  He defended their actions to the point that I was made to feel like the one that didn't matter.  I soon realized that I was the tool.  I made him look good and made him feel sexy.  He began cruising cafes, grocery stores, really anywhere to see if he could get some attention from another woman.  I was the pretty bait.  He is horribly jealous of the attention that I get from men.  He even said that he never wants to see me happy with another man.  I am just a plaything that he used to try to find another plaything.

[redwing3]

gecko.  wow.  you have just given me another eureka moment.  I too was bait. 

[Oneness]

(((kitty))) My parents are together only because they made that decision when we were kids - it is a loveless, sexless marriage of convenience. My father is a successful doctor and (now) functional alcoholic, and my narcissistic mother does not have to work and can live an upper middle class life style, put on airs, and rule her family with an iron fist...and she doesn't understand that I don't want to have a life like what she 

Redwing and gecko, my unBPD used me as bait too. He was infatuated with a girl (she was 22, my SO was 45). One time when he was pulling his mean, abusive, push/pull tactics on me, she told me I was gorgeous gave me a big hug and kissed me full on the lips (with him right behind her watching). I was thrilled, played it up for all it was worth (for the record, I have some experience with women, but prefer men). After that he was after me to get her together with BOTH of us!  of course I never did, but I felt like the universe was trying to bring the balance back that day....oops, sorry if I was TMI....it's just my relationship was crazy like that in the beginning....

[ajm911]

I once dated a (suspected Histrionic) man who - when caught with another woman in his apartment at 5:30 in the morning - tried telling me that even though he had slept with her,  it wasn't really cheating, because he felt that the two of us weren't actually together as a couple anymore.   That he
felt we were more like friends, than boyfriend-girlfriend. 

Why I love this site: no matter how much I mix my ex, or begin feeling vulnerable and insecure, I come here and read some anecdotes to remind me of why I should be glad things are over. This one in particular rang very close to home.

While I cannot prove she ever directly cheated on me (I did find her flirting with a coworker at a work party once), she would often say that if she felt that things were over in the relationship, she'd begin to "stray and flirt". Ironically, she was incredibly paranoid of me cheating and often made accusations.

I remember one night when she was laying next to me in bed and we were chatting. She suddenly lets out with "Well, I don't think that we're really boyfriend and girlfriend. We're more just friends." She might as well have said "I'm really a man and my name is Bob", it was about as random and surprising. We were always loving and affectionate to each other, but she judged virtually every romantic component of the relationship based on her definition of what sex should be. At any time, however, she was allowed to change this definition (of both sex and what our relationship was) and I had no say. Looking back on it, especially after reading this thread, I'd imagine she was having thoughts/temptation about cheating. Hindsight is 20/20, huh?

The unPD I dated before her also had an obsession with me cheating; both would accuse me of "being too good" to them, so therefore I must have an agenda. She ended up striking up a rather intimate and close "friendship" with my friend's husband (this is before she admitted that she had been "the other woman" in many past relationship and had, indeed, cheated on at least one of her boyfriends..with a good friend of hers - this is the very thing she'd accuse me of!). She also had a particular interest in the handyman that I'd have work on my house. He had even commented on it in the past, how she was abnormally "friendly" with him.

If there's one lesson I've learned in life it's that those who accuse the most *usually* have the most to hide.

[Oneness]

If there's one lesson I've learned in life it's that those who accuse the most *usually* have the most to hide.

Yup, they are paranoid that you are doing what they are actually doing. I used to get that all the time from my unBPD SO. At first it really hurt me, because I livedhi so much I would never have dreamed of cheating on him. Then it just infuriated me, because he cheated on me and that was always okay, he should be forgiven, he had an excuse, we were not "in a relationship," anumore by his definition....

Damn, but whether men or women these PDs seem to think so much alike...

[ajm911]

There's always a reason for their behavior! After confronting my ex about her blatantly flirting with a coworker (he was kissing her on the cheek and buying her shots all night while she barely talked to me - after I had driven an hour+ to be there with her that evening), her excuse was that I "hadn't touched her". This is after a particular bout of a busy season at work where she basically told me that she was going to be aloof and unaffectionate. In fact, the work party that she flirted with her coworker at was to celebrate the end of the busy season. Come to think of it, it was shortly after this that she told me that she doesn't really see us as boyfriend and girlfriend; very nonchalantly and matter-of-factly. Of course, we still held hands wherever we went and constantly kissed and told each other how much we loved each other.

I remember my previous unPD ex telling me, also casually, how she would send racy pictures of herself to her online friend; then wanting us to go visit him at some point because "they were just friends" and she was no longer sending pictures. This is the same woman who refused to meet one of my dearest, closest friends because we had a fling 10 years ago.

One of the big things I've been working on has been figuring out why I was so quick to accept their rationalizations and apologies. It's been a painful lesson in self discovery, I'll say that much. The love -> infuriation transition has really helped.

[corky]

Well I recently suspected it & last night started feeling like I was paranoid going over in my mind all the times he could have been lying/cheating on me. So today I tracked down an exGF of his & we had a long conversation. It turns out there was a 2 month overlap in our dating--all the while telling both of us that we were exclusive!!! She had lots of the same BS dished out to her. She finally dumped him when he wouldn't make plans for New Years--which he spent with me. So many tangled lies were uncovered with that conversation and strangely I feel a little better. At least I have confirmation that my suspicions were true. He has no idea that I know anything.
Funny thing---pure coincidence is that he sent me an email today (we are broken up with LC) saying how he would like to visit me next month because we had such fun times. Okay, HONEY??

[MakingChanges]

Corky,

  Email him back asking if he sent that email to you by mistake.  Because it obviously must have been meant for someone else!!!  Jerk.  He's just in between women and looking for narcissistic supply.

[corky]

Corky,

  Email him back asking if he sent that email to you by mistake.  Because it obviously must have been meant for someone else!!!  Jerk.  He's just in between women and looking for narcissistic supply.

I didn't expect her to because she was never in love & it was over 7 months ago but she texted him all kinds of nasty things (liar, cheat etc) & told him that his ex contacted her. She didn't give my name (thank God) but he sent me an email asking if I had been talking to anyone. I turned on my best Meryl Streep...huh? What the hell are you talking about? Over the course of several emails I convinced him that it wasn't me & he kept begging her to tell him who---I guess at that time he was only screwing the 2 of us. Anyway, he wrote it off to her being crazy & he still doesn't know I know. I must say that imagining his head exploding over all this has been a good thing--my revenge.
MakingChanges--I thought the same thing--in between women? I reminded him that I trust nothing that comes out of his mouth anymore and since I had already told him that I was never going to forgive him for dumping on my birthday, what made him think I wanted to see him? he emailed back that maybe we should wait until I am "in a better frame of mind"!! rofl!! Translation on his part: he thinks I am going to jump back in bed with him.
It is very weird that now that I KNOW it is like a weight has been lifted. There are still a lot of weights but just the confirmation gives me a bit of my sanity back. They weren't in love & I do think he fell in love with me---except for when the sex-addict/narcissistic/passive aggressive/liar half of him reared it's ugly head. I kind of get now that the cheating wasn't about me--he had to feed the beast.

[peachie]

gecko.  wow.  you have just given me another eureka moment.  I too was bait.

Sorry to hear that we share that experience, REDWING3.  But I am happy if it brings you a bit of closure to the after effects from the behavior.
As for Oneness, since many PDs harbor a fierce jealousy, I can only imagine how that love triangle may have played out.  I picture it backfiring on him when the youngster showed any affection to you insted of him.  Back away from that one. 

My ex BF also made comments about how he knew two women who were interested in me.  I think he just wanted to be with someone who was very desirable so that he looked desireable by association.  It was the classic "I got something that you want."  Note I didn't say someone.  I was definitely a thing.  Now none of them seem to want each other because I rejected them.  They were feeding on my energy, my happiness, my compassion, but also feeding themselves with the power that comes with knocking down a "nice woman" by trying to steal her man.  He was feeding off the buzz he got from watching these women step up their flirting/obscene remarks towards him.  I remained without any kind of fix or buzz, but got out of their lives.  Now they are all quite angry with me because I took my toys and went home.
As for Corky, totally agree with MakingChanges! It can be very eye opening to meet the "horrible, uncaring exs.

[redwing3]

They were feeding on my energy, my happiness, my compassion, but also feeding themselves with the power that comes with knocking down a "nice woman" by trying to steal her man.  He was feeding off the buzz he got from watching these women step up their flirting/obscene remarks towards him.

In my situation, the b&*(£ DID steal my man.  He went willingly of course, WHILE he proposed four times and married me...the woman he's with is NOT a "nice woman" she is hell on wheels, just like him.  They are actually very suited.  She wanted to knock me down professionally for years and tried a few things...it's complicated...but she finally did what she wanted and knocked me down for sure.  I'm not sure what I will do if I ever see her anywhere.  I've never hated anyone but I truly hate her and that is that.  He fed off the buzz and he stirred the pot in many many ways.  He provoked her and threw down the gauntlet with him as the booby prize.   

[peachie]

I forgot to mention that my exPDbf also told me that he cheated on every woman he had ever dated.  He is coming out of a 15 year marriage where he claims to be a saint due to his not cheating.  I feel that many PD's define cheating quite differently than Nons.  At the end of our dating cycle, he made a weird reference of how to get around internet blocks so to access porn at the workplace.  He is an IT guy, and it relates to his job, but the way he rattled off several names of porn sites made me realize he was a user.  He changed right before my eyes when he talked about these site names.  His ex wife told him he is obsessed with sex, I have to agree.  He wanted to use Skype to have sexual encounters with me.  He seemed so comfortable with this, that it isn't too much of a stretch to realize that he may be doing this with the PD women that he keeps around.  We had a beautiful, emotional and creative sex life...but the emotions, creativity, and beauty were all me.  To him, I was just sex. 

When a PD isn't emotionally there with a lover/partner.  Why would they say no to the offer of unlimited meaningless sex?  It is their cup of tea.