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Author Topic: Adult children taking advantage & the parents that let them...???  (Read 5773 times)

Helen

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I'm curious if there is a name for adult children who take advantage of their aging parents (and of course their Parents are enabling the behavior). It appears the parents are a little afraid of their grown children. It is hard to watch sometimes. It seems to be happening more and more especially with sons. Isn't their any personal pride left with these "grown" men?
Two neighbors of mine have adult sons who have either moved into the main house and the parent moved into the basement suite OR the adult son has moved into a shack in the backyard with his girlfriend and her kid. Both of them work and make good money, they do nothing for their parents or to help out on the property. They use their parents tools, cars, food, etc. one has their aging Mother do their laundry. One son speaks disrespectful toward his Father, like a bully.

It puzzles me. It is so much more than the Peter Pan syndrome. I know one of the Fathers told me his wife spoiled the Son and he was the apple of her eye.
Those are just two instances that are near me. I know of a least several other grown sons and one grown Daughter that are doing the same.
I certainly was raised different than that. Thats probably why it puzzles me and I think the syndrome must have a name, other than mooch. 
??????? Helen

gary

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Re: Adult children taking advantage & the parents that let them...???
« Reply #1 on: March 09, 2012, 09:55:30 AM »
Hi Helen

 Mooch is a pretty good description.

It's my opinion that it's what happens and what is the end result of a life with no established boundaries.

What you describe now would be hard to change to where it gets smooth right after with understanding from the moochers because it's so ingrained now over the years.

It could be done with just a , "You have to leave now" but it would cause quite a rif between that person and the enabler wouldn't it.

This would be like if you let your dog pee on the carpet for the last 10 years and then one day decide to rub their nose in it so they know that means to don't do that anymore.
"There is a difference between being alive and living !"

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Helen

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Re: Adult children taking advantage & the parents that let them...???
« Reply #2 on: March 09, 2012, 03:24:09 PM »
I think it goes beyond mooching when there is intimidation happening from the adult child toward the parent.
I suppose it is the parents fault that the child has been taught to be this way, he feels entitled and from that has learned to bite the hand that feeds them so to speak.
I think there is a fine line between disrespect and elder abuse. The aging parent feels that they need the child and the child knows it.
Why they feel bullying their parent is acceptable, I have no idea.
It is a disturbing trend.

kiwihelen

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Re: Adult children taking advantage & the parents that let them...???
« Reply #3 on: March 09, 2012, 05:23:42 PM »
I see a lot of this stuff...and it sucks. I have called social services to investigate in some instances too...

The line between mooching and elder abuse is often crossed sadly.

xredshoesx

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Re: Adult children taking advantage & the parents that let them...???
« Reply #4 on: March 12, 2012, 09:58:09 AM »
this situation exists between my real mom and her parents, and it's something my t and i have discussed  lately.

my grandfather sexually abused my mother, possibly both my uncles and several cousins (by blood) as well as close family friends.  my mother had a child when she was 14, who my grandparents raised as their youngest 'son'.  i was also abused by my grandfather and neither my 'uncle/brother' or my other true uncle will let my grandfather around their kids without direct supervision. 

appearances are everything to my grandparents, especially my grandmother who has an emasculating queen personality.  they have hid many family secrets, bailed my real mother out of every financial mess she's ever gotten herself into, my grandfather got scripts for her to kick her coke habit and got her hooked on painkilllers instead, she's lived with them off and on since i can remember, they  foot the bills for everything for her, yet let my uncle and 'uncle brother' struggle through every imaginable financial woe, always focusing on her-  they only reason to me is because they are afraid to tell my real mom 'no' because she would out them for the abusers they are.  my real mom, being the con artist she is, is working it as much as she can.  her and my uncle and 'uncle brother' had equal shares of the house, etc, but i would bet dimes to dollars she's got it all in her name now.

they enable her because it's easier to go along with her and pretend it's all sunshine and roses as to my grandmother, how they appear in the community is everything and this kind of behavior would remove their status.

rosie

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Re: Adult children taking advantage & the parents that let them...???
« Reply #5 on: March 12, 2012, 10:59:49 AM »
Yup, sweep all the problems under the living room rug and come out to the outside world smelling of roses. It's just inside the house that it all looks different. A good definition of dysfunction.

TessaD

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Re: Adult children taking advantage & the parents that let them...???
« Reply #6 on: April 28, 2012, 01:22:45 AM »
On walking into a local senior citizens club here a huge sign smacks you in the face.

it reads:

Be nice to your children, one day they will choose your rest home. 

Very appropriate for some parents I think

Jeank

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Re: Adult children taking advantage & the parents that let them...???
« Reply #7 on: May 21, 2015, 01:47:37 AM »
The modern term for this is Boomerang Children. While some have jobs, their own vehicles, etc.. Many move in and take advantage of their parents and sadly parents enable them. I know first hand, because my son was released from prison and we opened our doors to him since we are raising his children. The first few months, he was amazing. Then he met a girl and it is a mess. I told him this evening, he must find a half way house to move to, we will no longer deal with him breaking the rules of our home.

Inurdreams

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Re: Adult children taking advantage & the parents that let them...???
« Reply #8 on: May 21, 2015, 08:10:39 AM »
I've seen this behavior between my NMIL and NBIL (or maybe they are PDs, who knows?) but BIL is the GC.  I have heard him speak to MIL in language and a tone that is highly disrespectful, but oddly, instead of her getting upset or angry, she will just along with whatever he says.

Before researching Ns and PDs I could not understand how or why a parent would put up with something like that.  Then I read about covert incest and BINGO!  There it was.  It explained everything I have seen between those two.

Once MIL was telling me (for some weird reason) that she knew BIL had lost all respect for her.  But even with this knowledge she still continues to allow him to verbally, emotionally and financially abuse her.  But she is just as bad by doing the same thing with him.

They are really twisted people.  IMO they deserve each other.

Since understanding more about this type of thing it has made me a little jaded when I hear people talking about their children abusing them because there may be much more to the story that's not being discussed.






Peek not through the keyhole lest ye be vexed. - Stephen King


Response to a Flying Monkey:  Apparently you are suffering under the delusion that I give a damn.

livinginmyhead

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Re: Adult children taking advantage & the parents that let them...???
« Reply #9 on: May 21, 2015, 09:33:13 AM »
My brother turned into one of those several years after he got married

He is married to an abusive control freak

She does nothing-absolutely nothing-productive whatsoever

She doesn't work, won't cook or clean

Does not lift one fingernail to help in any way

She is very demanding and spends money quicker than he can make it

All she does is order stuff online and track his location on her laptop

They are going on another cruise-the second one in as many months

One night my brother fell asleep in a chair in my mom's living room

His wife came out to wake him up

My mom heard a big thump and came out to see what hapoened

My brother was on the floor and it was assumed his wife literally knocked him clean out of the chair to wake him up

He does not even resemble the person he used to be. He used to be responsible, save his money and pay his bills on receipt. Now he owes everyone everywhere he's ever been.

His life is working day and night, running around like a chicken with its head cut off trying to keep her happy

One night, she wanted sundaes

He brought the works home from the store and made two sundaes and took them into her royal highness' chamber

He came out a bit later and dumped one of the sundaes, saying he had to make another one because the ice cream had melted too much. Later he dumped the second one. It took three sundaes to please her

I worry about him, mom worries about him. The situation is sooooooooo wrong but he won't listen

Someday he'll probably wind up dead or in jail from trying to please his evil joke of a wife

"I don't need you to be happy. I just need you to leave me alone when I am!"-from "The Prizewinner of Defiance, Ohio", starring Julianne Moore and Woody Harrelson

bruceli

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Re: Adult children taking advantage & the parents that let them...???
« Reply #10 on: May 21, 2015, 10:41:38 AM »
I'm curious if there is a name for adult children who take advantage of their aging parents (and of course their Parents are enabling the behavior). It appears the parents are a little afraid of their grown children. It is hard to watch sometimes. It seems to be happening more and more especially with sons. Isn't their any personal pride left with these "grown" men?
Two neighbors of mine have adult sons who have either moved into the main house and the parent moved into the basement suite OR the adult son has moved into a shack in the backyard with his girlfriend and her kid. Both of them work and make good money, they do nothing for their parents or to help out on the property. They use their parents tools, cars, food, etc. one has their aging Mother do their laundry. One son speaks disrespectful toward his Father, like a bully.

It puzzles me. It is so much more than the Peter Pan syndrome. I know one of the Fathers told me his wife spoiled the Son and he was the apple of her eye.
Those are just two instances that are near me. I know of a least several other grown sons and one grown Daughter that are doing the same.
I certainly was raised different than that. Thats probably why it puzzles me and I think the syndrome must have a name, other than mooch. 
??????? Helen

However in many other cultures around the world, this is common and quite normal.  It was also more common prior to the turn of the century here.  Now, as for the behaviors.............
One will never fulfill their destiny or truly be free, until they can let go of the illusion of control.

Fair doesn't mean equal.

Hysperger

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Re: Adult children taking advantage & the parents that let them...???
« Reply #11 on: May 21, 2015, 10:53:58 AM »
(and of course their Parents are enabling the behavior).

This is a fine line IMHO. My parents are in their 80's now, but have been showing signs of cognitive difficulty/regression(?) for 5 to 10 years now. And it's quite common that their metabolism is slowing down. They simply lack energy.

If one is in a situation like that, it's tough to continue resisting 'assault'.

I'm not excusing the behavior of their adult children as you describe. I do find it a bit harsh to categorize the seniors as 'enabling'. They might have resisted their 'bullying' children for their whole life. Their stamina might just have 'run out'.
--- I love straightforward people. The lack of drama makes life so much easier. ---

--- To pursue the path of healing we need to remember what we have endured. Restoring ones sense of self means restoring memory, recognizing what happened. Without memory there is no healing --- Desmond Tutu

Hysperger

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Re: Adult children taking advantage & the parents that let them...???
« Reply #12 on: May 21, 2015, 11:07:56 AM »
On walking into a local senior citizens club here a huge sign smacks you in the face.

it reads:

Be nice to your children, one day they will choose your rest home. 

Very appropriate for some parents I think

This touches a nerve for me.

My (asperger?) dad, well in his 80's, is obviously struggling with his health and living on his own.
We, as kids, wish him the best, and the best care. He sit's on tons of money. But he's a miser. He keeps saying "I can't spend all of my retirement pay" (thus, he's still 'saving').
He refuses any help. From us, or from professionals who could provide him with daily assistance ($$$, probably), so he can stay home, and die in peace in his own home. Everything is "fine" even though it obviously isn't (he can't, at times, even button up his trousers or shirt).

So there's a good chance that at some point he's found in his house, unable to care for himself. He will then be rushed to the nearest retirement home that has a 'bed' available.

I dread this outlook. He could afford anything his heart desires. But when it will have become an emergency, he'll probably be stuck. If not for burocratic reason, then certainly because he'll then claim "everything's fine" as well  :'( 

I just so hope he 'just dies', and will not get incapacitated more somehow.  :sad2:
--- I love straightforward people. The lack of drama makes life so much easier. ---

--- To pursue the path of healing we need to remember what we have endured. Restoring ones sense of self means restoring memory, recognizing what happened. Without memory there is no healing --- Desmond Tutu

looloo

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Re: Adult children taking advantage & the parents that let them...???
« Reply #13 on: May 21, 2015, 12:28:58 PM »
My brother, who is 49 years old and not a high functioning guy, relied on my parents to bail him out by giving him money his entire adult life.  Now that my father's passed away, he and my mother continue the cycle.  I think my parents felt a combination of guilt over their son's inability to cope well, and so doing this would ease their guilt.  In my mother's case, there's her added attitude of wanting to feel like a martyr, an "unlucky" mother cursed with unsuccessful kids (she thinks I'm a huge disappointment, too, but I've never needed or asked for a dime from them). 

So, my brother has the benefit of doing the bare minimum in his life, and when things get too rough, then he can call Bank of Mom and get a bail out.   He has to do a bit of groveling, but it doesn't seem to bother him for long.

My mother probably gets a sick kick out of being groveled at, then gets to feel omnipotent by handing him a check, and then she can turn it into a pity party for herself.

Round and round they go...