If you have found this place, you should consider yourself extremely fortunate. You may not think "fortunate" is the word to use for your current/past association with a personality disordered person, but things are about to change. No, you cannot do anything to change the person with the disorder, but you CAN amass a huge amount of knowledge here...and in dealing with these things, knowledge IS power.
You will also find people here who "get it" like no one else in your life does. That's because everyone on this board has had their own personal experience with a disordered person. People who have actually been in situations like yours, and who have already been through the process themselves, are best able to guide you toward a life of taking care of yourself and finding your own peace. This is what we wish for all of our members.
Nearly 4 years ago, in 2008, I was just as lost and desperate as you may be feeling now. The PD in my life is/was my ex-husband, to whom I was married for nearly 32 years. The first 15 years were not great, but I thought, and was told, that marriage was supposed to be hard and I should just keep working. Over the remainder of the marriage, every other part of my life (job, kids, friends) was exceptionally good. My relationship, however, deteriorated into what was, often, a living nightmare. Anger, verbal and emotional abuse, frequent silent treatments, blame for things over which I had no control, circular conversations, rewriting history, and so on. I had seen a counselor off and on for years, working on myself. We had seen couples' counselors, too, but I was at a loss as to why this man, who seemed to have everything, was constantly angry at the world and, especially, his family. One night, for about the millionth time, I Googled "men's anger." This led to "Borderline PD," and, finally, to a list of traits that could have been written about my husband. The more I read, the more I felt it could have been written about my entire relationship.
More therapy followed, but it soon became apparent that my X was there in body only and the stronger I became, the more his destructive behaviors escalated. He began blaming therapists, also, for his "plight," and, about 3.5 years ago, I took my life back by separating from him. It was not what I had wanted out of the relationship, but it was my only path to saving my sanity and my self-respect. It has created a new peace in my life like never before.
My X was never officially diagnosed, that I know of, but fits 6 of 9 of the traits of Borderline Personality Disorder and matches a few of the Narcissistic ones as well. The last therapist of his that I talked to was not ready to categorize his disorder because so many of them overlap. What I learned was that, regardless of whether a formal diagnosis is present, people who have been in these situations are dealing with the behaviors...and that's where our tools and support come into play. If the behaviors are causing damage to you or family members, you need help and support...and that's why you are here. It's not important what name you give to it...it's hurting people, and we can help you find a way to cope, and to make your life better, healthier.
Why am I still here? I spent unending years searching for illusive answers to the "why" of the misery in my marriage. If there is any way to speed up the resolution of this search for even one other person, it is more than worth my time here. I see it as paying it forward...I'm repaying those who helped me by helping others. I'm pretty sure that's why we're all here.
Postscript: There IS life out there after all this. I have just recently begun a long-term relationship with another "Non" who has become my best friend. The peace I achieved by exiting my toxic marriage was incredible enough...this is like a bonus! How do I know this is different? Because this relationship shows me everything I was missing before...the things I THOUGHT should be, but weren't. It took a lot of healing on both our parts to get to the place where we are ready to take advantage of the best of things, but it is worth every bit!
I wish you well as you seek to understand that for which you may not now have any explanation, and I hope you will stick around and learn all you can here.
Best to you,
SS
