It's trivial but still wondering

  • 11 Replies
  • 994 Views
*

Soda

  • Guest
It's trivial but still wondering
« on: December 19, 2014, 08:43:04 AM »
Back in the summer when I was in the fog of my father's passing,  I came out of NC and for some reason I 'friend requested' several of the relatives on Facebook.
Looking back, I don't even understand why I did it. 

Most of them accepted my request, but have had absolutely no interaction with me.  It's like they are phantom friends. I remember telling my mother about it and she said they are probably just busy. But they interact with my mother, so I know it's not a case of being busy.
I believe these FOO members were influenced by my mother's victim campaign during my NC.

A month ago I was thinking of just removing them from my friend list.  But my husband said that I shouldn't because it would just be used against me.

But I'm starting to feel more and more silly allowing these people to have a glimpse into my life when they have absolutely nothing to say to me.
( my FOO is also very big on Christmas cards but my husband and I have only received cards from his side of the family.  None from my side. )

What would you do if, in a moment of vulnerability, you invited FOO members into your FB world only to have them give you the "silent" treatment?
Would you delete them and move on?  Would you keep them in order to take the high road?



*

Certitude

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 157
Re: It's trivial but still wondering
« Reply #1 on: December 19, 2014, 09:05:03 AM »
I have a "restricted" list on my fb page.  I put people in there who I would like to "unfriend", but know it would cause a minor nuclear explosion if I did.  People put on restriction can only see posts you classify as "public."  They won't know you put them on that list unless you tell them.  There's lots of info on doing this on the internet.

*

epiphanywoman64 or ew64

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 742
    • Why We Went No Contact
Re: It's trivial but still wondering
« Reply #2 on: December 21, 2014, 05:38:06 AM »
What would you do if, in a moment of vulnerability, you invited FOO members into your FB world only to have them give you the "silent" treatment?
Would you delete them and move on?  Would you keep them in order to take the high road?

What high road?
Delete  :yes:

I have excluded all FOO except the 'safe' ones from FB as FB is a miindfield of bombs waiting to go off.

Safety first.
Love is a verb. It's a 'doing and being' word. It's not a 'talking about it maybe someday if it suits me' word - Me.

*

sasha~

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 229
  • scapegoat no more
Re: It's trivial but still wondering
« Reply #3 on: December 21, 2014, 08:57:19 AM »
Taking abuse isn't taking the high road. It really blows my mind that people think that and keep saying stuff like that! Manners are for people who deserve them. Once the abuse starts, all bets are off! I don't think we're under any obligation to continue to be mannerly (AKA lie down and take the abuse) when people are toxic and abusive! "Hold still and let them punch you, dear. You don't want to be difficult." They're abusing me! No I don't have to hold still.

I try to think of it like this: if I know someone has a cannon trained on me, I try very very hard not to hand them cannon balls.

Do what you need to do to protect yourself. We are always always always always always (get the idea?) always always allowed to change our minds on anything. We can change our minds about friends. We can change our minds about saying yes to something when we really want to say no. We are totally allowed to do one thing, realize we no longer want it, and now do something else. Anyone who will use this perfectly normal right against us shows how abusive and toxic THEY are. It doesn't say anything about us - but says everything about them.

Fewf. This really cheeses me off. Taking abuse is NOT taking the high road. Don't take the abuse -- and yes, the deliberate punishing silent treatment IS abuse. Protecting yourself by removing yourself from their silent treatment or blacklisting is good self-care and good self-protection, it's not "sinking to their level" either. Punishing is offensive and wrong. No contact is the consequences of THEIR abusive actions and it's good self-care and boundaries. Not the same at all. Not in the least. Not even a little. Anyone who says differently just doesn't really know what they're talking about.
~ If someone loves you, it should FEEL like they love you ~

*

Soda

  • Guest
Re: It's trivial but still wondering
« Reply #4 on: December 21, 2014, 09:35:49 AM »
I decided to put the FOO on restriction for the time being (for those who don't know, Restricting a friend on Facebook means they can only see posts and photos that have a privacy setting of "Public". They can't see your posts and photos that have the privacy setting of "Friends Only").

At first I felt the FOG.  But then I reminded myself that I can't put the FOO's feelings ahead of my own. It's my facebook page, so I have every right to decide who gets to see my content and who doesn't.  I'm really seeing how I've been putting the FOO's feelings ahead of my own for so long that it causes me anxiety when I try to put my own feelings first. I know that once my mother finds out that she can't see as much as she used to on my page, she will start playing Victim in BPD fashion. 
And I know that it will give me anxiety. But I'm hoping to keep remembering that I have to do what's right for me. I can't give in just because she wants to equate me wanting my privacy with a personal attack on her.

*

Pippin

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 60
Re: It's trivial but still wondering
« Reply #5 on: December 21, 2014, 09:40:40 AM »
But my husband said that I shouldn't because it would just be used against me.

If you remove them and it's used against you then you'll know. You'll know that you were pushed into the background and were expected to accept being pushed into the back ground. Don't continue to play that role. Don't be quiet and fade into that world of being unheard or unseen.

It's hard to break free from the guilt of FOO stuff, I'm right there with you. But you know what? I don't have the energy to deal with all of them because they can suck the life right out of you. Facebook is your world, your private space and you GET TO CHOSE who is allowed there.

*

Salsera

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 942
Re: It's trivial but still wondering
« Reply #6 on: December 21, 2014, 11:46:46 AM »
Oh PrettyPictures, this is not trivial.

I wish you didn't care about anything these people did, or thought. Your family is big on Christmas, yet no one sent you a Christmas card - do you need anymore indication that your M has smeared you? She is evil and hurtful, and the rest of your FOO has jumped on her bandwagon. You are being punished. Maybe for your prior NC, who knows. And you will never know, because you will never be able to believe anything these people say.

Once you stop caring and worrying what other people think, you will be free. You can't be abused if you won't allow it into your life. Whatever is done, if you don't care, it's not a part of your life.

F--k 'em. Block them. Delete them. Escape the abuse. Take care of yourself.
Never give what is holy to dogs or throw your pearls before pigs. Otherwise, they will trample them with their feet and then turn around and attack you. - Matthew 7:6

*

Opus

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 250
Re: It's trivial but still wondering
« Reply #7 on: December 21, 2014, 11:54:08 AM »
I restrict many people on my FB page.  It's mine, and what I choose to share and with who (whom?) is my business.  My FOO and any of their known and/or even potential flying monkeys are restricted.  I also have times during the year when I "clean house".  If I think you're not playing nice, or not a vital part of my life to keep in touch - Unfriend!  I don't like drama, and the little I do deal with I keep off the internet.  :)

*

Ladywolf

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 215
Re: It's trivial but still wondering
« Reply #8 on: December 21, 2014, 06:03:56 PM »
Back in the summer when I was in the fog of my father's passing,  I came out of NC and for some reason I 'friend requested' several of the relatives on Facebook.
Looking back, I don't even understand why I did it. 

This is called "hoovering"... when the family members will try anything to suck you back into the family. This is common. Do not beat yourself up for it. We are all human and we are all vulnerable at some point and our dysfunctional families know that. At anytime you can decide for yourself to go NC again.

Most of them accepted my request, but have had absolutely no interaction with me.  It's like they are phantom friends. I remember telling my mother about it and she said they are probably just busy. But they interact with my mother, so I know it's not a case of being busy.
I believe these FOO members were influenced by my mother's victim campaign during my NC.

Sounds like triangulation to me. That's when family members do stuff behind your back, smear tactics from family members which keeps you separated from each other.

A month ago I was thinking of just removing them from my friend list.  But my husband said that I shouldn't because it would just be used against me.

You cannot control what other people do. Maybe you will get to the point where you don't care anymore what people in your family say or do. Thinking about stuff like this can drive anyone crazy. It's probably a major factor in why you went NC in the first place.

But I'm starting to feel more and more silly allowing these people to have a glimpse into my life when they have absolutely nothing to say to me.

I would feel very vulnerable giving out any information about yourself. It's just ammunition should they attempt to contact you again. Go with your instincts.

( my FOO is also very big on Christmas cards but my husband and I have only received cards from his side of the family.  None from my side. )

I'm sorry you are not getting cards from your side of the family. Perhaps you can focus on your friends and your hubby's side of the family though.

What would you do if, in a moment of vulnerability, you invited FOO members into your FB world only to have them give you the "silent" treatment?
Would you delete them and move on?  Would you keep them in order to take the high road?

I would delete your family member's friendships, grieve for what you didn't get from them and THEN move on.

This is just my opinion since you asked for opinions.

Be good to yourself and the people that really love you (include yourself on this list to honor yourself and your happiness.
Ladywolf

“How starved you must have been that my heart became a meal for your ego.”
― Amanda Torroni

*

Bloomie

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • 8402
Re: It's trivial but still wondering
« Reply #9 on: December 21, 2014, 06:30:35 PM »
Prettypictures - Just my two cents. What started out as a lot of fun and a great way to connect became a nightmare of PA behavior, grandstanding, and outright hostility from a few toxic family members. Two years ago this coming February I deleted my FB account. I worried I would lose contact with family who live at a distance or friends I felt I was staying in touch with  - nope, still have email and a phone and those that want to be in my life still make efforts to do so. I no longer have to worry about the kinds of things you bring up here. I do not have to read insults on my Nsil's wall, I no longer have to worry about receiving horrible inboxes from my crazy DO'd niece, or my H's extended cousins asking for a car or money, I could go on. I have never looked back and I have never missed it. I also do not know who just made a salad, who just picked up someone from the airport, who likes a picture of someone's new puppy, who just drank some water. Somehow, all of the imporant info I need to know about the people I love still makes it's way to me. I have survived.  :) No drama zone! It's great!  :bighug:
Bloomie 🌸
The 3 C's Rule: "I didn't Cause it, I can't Cure it, and...I can't Control it." http://outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/the-3-cs-rule

*

Salsera

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 942
Re: It's trivial but still wondering
« Reply #10 on: December 21, 2014, 08:35:47 PM »
Two years ago this coming February I deleted my FB account.

I'd like to add that I never had a FB account! It is a poisonous way for toxic people to interact. I'm not interested in other peoples' BS lives. And I don't want them to know about whatever I may post about my life.  People who are really "in my life" know how to contact me.

I am not interested in connecting with people from my past. They are not in my life for a reason. I don't want people "finding" me. But mostly, no FB means I am keeping myself as safe as possible.

Just my 2 cents.
Never give what is holy to dogs or throw your pearls before pigs. Otherwise, they will trample them with their feet and then turn around and attack you. - Matthew 7:6

*

Soda

  • Guest
Re: It's trivial but still wondering
« Reply #11 on: December 22, 2014, 09:26:41 AM »
Thanks everyone.  I have to remind myself that my feelings do count.  I've been so conditioned to think of the FOO first.

My new plan is to remove all the relatives from my FB page.
We're scheduled to visit with my mother on the 26th to drop off a birthday present. 
I'm thinking that the following Monday I will remove them all. Including my mother.
I have an old email address that I don't use much anymore. I will just give that to her if she needs to reach me.

I agree that it was definitely my father's passing that put me in a FOG that I never should have walked into.
But as everyone knows, sometimes during times of grief or depression we make choices that aren't the best for us.