Letter from mom

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OrangeSand

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Re: Letter from mom
« Reply #15 on: December 12, 2014, 02:36:25 PM »
I find this letter very cold. If she has not mentioned others members names it could have apply this letter to anyone. There is nothing personal nor about or about her. Everything so geenral. Families this, families that. No offers to do any therapy, no admitting of anything, juts generalizing, banalazing, minimalazing your pain. Practicaly she told you that no metter what is bothering you, you have to forgive and forget because that is what families do (according to her and all NMs). She did not even try to specify what she might have done, or if there is anything she feels bad or guilty for or, or what she could do fix things, there is NOTHING.
And the letter is a way too short. If my child was gone NC with me I would write 12 pages trying to mention every single thing i did wrong and apologizing for it and another 12 of suggestions what I am willing to do to make him forgive me. Not 5 lines. 5 lines!!!!! I write more to my DH to ask him what do we have for lunch.

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Astrid

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Re: Letter from mom
« Reply #16 on: December 12, 2014, 10:40:46 PM »
Wow, so many replies! I've worked a lot the past couple days and just got a chance to check them now, thanks everyone!

Wow. I've never gotten anything close to "we're sorry we hurt you" kind of letter. But if they are lying, I can understand your upset.

 If I tell my NM and her co-bully husband that they hurt me, they say I'm ungrateful for saying that and throw insults at me. I guess there's different degrees of narcissism. There are times I wished I received letters like the one you posted, but I guess I should be careful what I wish for. It could all be lies and cover-ups. Glad I know.


The thing is, I've tried so many times to tell them that they've hurt me and I got insulted and told I'm ungrateful etc, just like you. It wasn't until I went NC that my mom started talking this way... which is exactly how I know it isn't sincere.

I know the letter says, "We are sorry to have caused you pain," but the tone I get is more that your mom is forgiving you than that she is asking your forgiveness.   Well, maybe she's not forgiving you yet, but she would eventually. 


 :yeahthat: Her saying "There is nothing you can do to turn us against you" pins me as the one in the wrong, not them. As if they are innocent and I am hurting them but I will be forgiven if I come back.

 
"Just know that we love you.  The rest does not matter!"

This letter, in its entirety, is the definition of plausible deniability.  You show that to a non and they say, "Awww...isn't that nice?  She's making amends!  Isn't that wonderful?  Just in time for the holidays!"



I think you've hit the nail on the head! This is EXACTLY what my mom does. She does something awful, then acts like an angel so that other people think you're nuts for being upset with her. I know she's playing the victim card with my extended family because of all their passive aggressive facebook posts about how some children are so ungrateful and moms love their daughters more than anybody can love someone and sometimes parents come off as the bad guy but they're only doing it out of love for you. OH! Really?! When my mom told me I was spawn of the devil and never should have been born because life would be so much better without me... that was out of love huh? My bad, I must not know what love is then. :blink:


The "families fight" is a friendlier sounding version of "Get over it."

But it means the same. Get back into line, play your role, the holidays are coming.

I'd ignore it and stay strong, Astrid.


I've literally been told by them so many times to "get over it" that I know this IS just another one of those things, just worded nicer because I've pulled away now. She's acting like she's finally addressing the problem but she's not. A blanket statement of "I'm sorry, but families forgive each other and stick together" does not make up for all the damage control I have to do in my own life now, what with severe depression and PTSD. Sorry, but your generic sort-of-apology just isn't going to cut it, mom!

Everybody else thank you so much for your responses, they've all given me strength! Sorry I can't address each one of them, there's just so many  :)  :grouphug:

All my instincts tell me that the "sincerity" in this letter is fake. Fake fake fake. She can come off sincere to people who don't know her, but unfortunately I know her too well.

Speak the truth, even if your voice shakes. -- Unknown

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Inurdreams

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Re: Letter from mom
« Reply #17 on: December 13, 2014, 10:00:42 AM »
Quote from Astrid's letter:   It's the only way I can think of to communicate to you how much you are missed and thought about every day.


This bothers me the most^^.  Why not say, "I miss you and think of you every day"?

IDK it just reads very impersonal to me.  Like she is distancing herself from actually saying that she feels that way.

Peek not through the keyhole lest ye be vexed. - Stephen King


Response to a Flying Monkey:  Apparently you are suffering under the delusion that I give a damn.

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Astrid

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Re: Letter from mom
« Reply #18 on: December 13, 2014, 11:21:27 AM »
Quote from Astrid's letter:   It's the only way I can think of to communicate to you how much you are missed and thought about every day.


This bothers me the most^^.  Why not say, "I miss you and think of you every day"?

IDK it just reads very impersonal to me.  Like she is distancing herself from actually saying that she feels that way.

Yes, exactly! She always says "you are missed" and "you are loved". The sad thing is, even that amount of affection just started coming to me recently as I started pulling away with medium chill and LC (which eventually led to my now NC). For most of my life she didn't even say that much. The last time I heard the words "I love you" come from her or my dad must have been when I was about 5 years old.
Speak the truth, even if your voice shakes. -- Unknown

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GarbageChild

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Re: Letter from mom
« Reply #19 on: December 13, 2014, 12:46:19 PM »
I think the bottom line is this:

PDs can often control themselves, and are able to do and say the right things when they want to get something from you.

I doubt that anyone goes NC without having tried everything to avoid this drastic solution.  If PDs don't get the message before you go NC, they never will.  Everything that comes after is only words they use because they miss using and abusing you, and they want that back.  They don't want you back.  They want the pleasure of abusing you back.


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Inurdreams

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Re: Letter from mom
« Reply #20 on: December 14, 2014, 09:57:17 AM »
I think the bottom line is this:

PDs can often control themselves, and are able to do and say the right things when they want to get something from you.

I doubt that anyone goes NC without having tried everything to avoid this drastic solution.  If PDs don't get the message before you go NC, they never will.  Everything that comes after is only words they use because they miss using and abusing you, and they want that back.  They don't want you back.  They want the pleasure of abusing you back.


This ^^ in a nutshell.
Peek not through the keyhole lest ye be vexed. - Stephen King


Response to a Flying Monkey:  Apparently you are suffering under the delusion that I give a damn.