In an effort to analyze the latest chaos and conflict my stbxBPDh is putting me through, I've copied and pasted this section from the toolbox, and I'm slotting in my experiences. My goal is to try to deal with this and find a way to release it and not allow it to cause me the current pain, anxiety, and fear I'm feeling right now. I'm literally shaking I'm so upset.
Maybe others can see where their PD others are using this tactic against them too. Today I've asked my lawyer to look into having my h removed from the house till our divorce is final. Absolute No Contact is I believe the only way I can be unaffected by his machinations. I feel like the victim of psychological terrorism. (I've added the bolded bits that struck me as key points to remember)
"Proxy Recruitment is a way of controlling or abusing
another person by manipulating other people into unwittingly backing you up
, speaking for you or "doing your dirty work" for you.
"The goal in proxy recruitment is to gain the upper hand in a relationship
or in a conflict by getting other people involved
. This often takes the form of false accusations, smear campaigns or distortion campaigns in which the victim is portrayed as an abuser.
Some examples of Proxy Recruitment (edited the list to those relevant to my situation)
:| A woman asks a marriage therapist
to talk to her husband about his "problems with infidelity".
My stbx is seeing a T to manage his "anger" problems. According to him and her (!) he has "changed" after a few weeks of seeing her :roll: and now
he sees her about his problem with "his drepressed--no wait, demon possessed--ADHD--no wait--NPD/BPD wife--no wait, maybe there's something else" wife.
Also, in sessions with our last FOUR marriage counsellors, his agenda was only one thing: fix my wife--her behaviour is the problem. Every single time he refused to see our relationship as in need of help, just me, and he sabotaged every effort for reconciliation.
Do I blame him for it? Absolutely. It has been without question his fault that we have been unable to engage in marriage therapy. This led to only one option: DIVORCE. Now that we have been separated 4 months, and in the process of settling a divorce agreement, he is STILL spinning wheels, trying to control me, this sham of a marriage, and other people's views of it!)
:| A mother (husband
) seeks support from siblings
, her spouse, friends and neighbors over her daughter's "behavior problems"
The latest tactic my stbxBPDh is employing--he started meeting weekly in another city with my estranged sister and her husband. My sister cut herself off from our family more than 20 years ago. She hurt all of us with what I believe are her PD traits, especially me. I confided this in my husband early in our relationship revealing my heart.
He is now using it as part of his control strategy knowing how betrayed I felt when he first contacted her to form an alliance to criticize and judge me, and say "see, I was right about you! You do have ______ (disorder du jour) and I'm right. So take a pill, get better and our marriage will be fine".
Now he drives 3 hours to visit her and her husband to, I assume recruit them into his web of gaslighting and deception. He couldn't control the thoughts of the sister I am close to, so he goes after the one I'm in NC with.)
"Proxy recruitment can be an extremely powerful way of establishing control over another person
. It forces the victim into a defensive posture
- justifying or denying their own behaviors to friends, family, neighbors, acquaintances and authority figures. It often attempts to reverse roles in the eyes of others
- casting the abuser as the victim and portraying the victim as the real abuser. It deflects attention away from the abuser and provides cover
or justification for further abuse to occur.
"Proxy Recruitment is much easier if the abuser assumes a position of authority
My stbxBPH often presents himself first as an experienced senior medic and firefighter who has responded to many situations, and that uniquely qualifies him to speak about mental illness and any and every medical problem with authority--you ever question his authority in these areas, because he knows everything.
If he's fooled anyone with this, he'd be very effective in convincing, say, my estranged sister, to join in him in plot to label me as mentally ill, that he's the poor victim (she'd commiserate on that one)--but to what end???
I want him the hell out of my life! Shouldn't he be thrilled to get as far away from someone like me as possible since I have at least a half dozen "severe mental illnesses"??? Is this really about him trying to keep me playing his sick game?
"Proxy recruitment isn't just the domain of people with personality disorders. It is a universal reaction to recruit allies when engaged in a conflict situation. However, it becomes abusive when the truth is misrepresented or the recipient is being hurt
So this is my vent today. I've missed my last 2 therapy appts, and he is unceasing in his obsession to encircle and control me as I struggle to pull away and get my life back. And I do feel like I'm going crazy. Sorry it's such a long "therapy session"