Out of the FOG Banner
Home About Us Disorders Traits Toolbox Books Links Glossary Acronyms In An Emergency
Support Forum Private Messages Guidelines Disclaimer Members Support Out of the FOG

Author Topic: How do you make a Narcissist feel insignificant?  (Read 14839 times)

Capable Woman

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 133
How do you make a Narcissist feel insignificant?
« Reply #45 on: September 10, 2010, 06:14:22 PM »
Quote from: "katie"
Apparently, (I've been reading a lot):
Don't make eye contact
Leave long silences before responding verbally
Say or intimate that he/she is ordinary and the same as everybody else
Question their achievements, ask if they are a CEO, Professional, Star (only if they are not, obviously), have they reached the top of their profession?
This is great Katie....I have actually been employing some of these techniques for a few months already...just out of sheer frustration with him.  I must say it does seem to throw him off since I don't fall sway to his grandiosity anymore!  

On the phone today he was going on and on and I just listened and didn't respond.  L-O-N-G pause.........then I heard him say...hello, hello....are you there.  :rofl:  He thought we had gotten cut off.  I almost laughed out loud.

But I just calmly answered.

yes   :rolleyes:

~CW

HopeAgainstHope

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 153
How do you make a Narcissist feel insignificant?
« Reply #46 on: September 10, 2010, 06:47:44 PM »
Quote
On the phone today he was going on and on and I just listened and didn't respond. L-O-N-G pause.........then I heard him say...hello, hello....are you there. :rofl: He thought we had gotten cut off. I almost laughed out loud.

But I just calmly answered.

yes :rolleyes:
Ha! That's great! I do that with my brother. "Uh huh" or "still here".  It helps to laugh at it. :grin:

findingme

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 394
How do you make a Narcissist feel insignificant?
« Reply #47 on: October 24, 2010, 02:55:00 AM »
Quote from: "ncopswife"
I'm tired of being the one feeling all the emotional pain in this relationship. For once, I want him to feel as bad as I do, and I can't do it by thinking like a normal person. I have to get inside his head and figure out what would make him feel rotten. I didn't realize it until I saw that show the other night. I want to make him feel insignificant. I want him to feel the pain he has made me feel for the last 13 years. I think a deserve a chance to make him feel rotten. At least just once......
From what I am learning about NPD; I doubt if there is any way that we can get them to see themselves; let alone to "feel as bad as they made us feel" because they have NO conscience, empathy or concern for anyone else...We just don't have the "joy" of "getting the last word"...when we hear the door slam behind us as we leave them, it might just have to be the "only payback" that we have...

I understand your anger and even vengeance but eventually, you might find as I have, that the anger and feelings of "getting a pound of flesh" is not only detrimental to your time and energy but is really futile. How do we get satisfaction for having been used??? By not letting it gon on anymore...

atwittsend

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1026
    • My Blog tackling my life away from her
How do you make a Narcissist feel insignificant?
« Reply #48 on: October 26, 2010, 04:08:59 PM »
No Contact is the only thing that bothers my ex.  As Gary said any reaction good or bad is nothing more then attention to them.
good friend... how loud do you want life to shout her answers in your ear

atwittsend

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1026
    • My Blog tackling my life away from her
How do you make a Narcissist feel insignificant?
« Reply #49 on: October 26, 2010, 04:11:49 PM »
Quote from: "findingme"
I understand your anger and even vengeance but eventually, you might find as I have, that the anger and feelings of "getting a pound of flesh" is not only detrimental to your time and energy but is really futile. How do we get satisfaction for having been used??? By not letting it go on anymore...  
this is right on... you literally will never win by engaging.  If you are engaging in a positive way you will be let down harshly.  If you try to enter a war with them they are professionals at that.  I could lose an argument about why I like thin crust pizza.  

vengeance made me feel like I figured she felt.  I dont know.  

hang in there!
good friend... how loud do you want life to shout her answers in your ear

ewew

  • Guest
How do you make a Narcissist feel insignificant?
« Reply #50 on: November 10, 2010, 11:06:42 AM »
Quote from: "ncopswife"
Quote from: "gary"
You will need to find and become your genuine self and let that guide you where is feels natural.

But pretending is the only way I can do that right now. How do I just not care? How do I emotionally detach? Emotionally detaching is the only way I can see from breaking his hold on me. I don't know any other way to do it. I've been with this man for 13 years. How do I just not care anymore?  :I_dunno:  How do I even begin to find my genuine self? I don't know what to do..... :unsure:
ncopswife:

The worst thing you can do to your N is leave him, and go on to have a happy life, while ignoring him in every possible way a human can be ignored.

THAT is what will hurt him.

Good luck,

ewew

gary

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 14379
    • http://www.gawalters.com
How do you make a Narcissist feel insignificant?
« Reply #51 on: November 10, 2010, 03:47:24 PM »
Been thinking about this title:  
Quote
How do you make a Narcissist feel insignificant?



  You don't have to do anything. They already feel that way. Thats why they became a Narcissist.

"Be yourself, everyone else is already taken!"

My Web Site
www.gawalters.com
Blog
http://gawalters.com/blog/

atwittsend

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1026
    • My Blog tackling my life away from her
How do you make a Narcissist feel insignificant?
« Reply #52 on: November 10, 2010, 07:51:49 PM »
garys wisdom always makes me smile when I log in here :)
good friend... how loud do you want life to shout her answers in your ear

Saraa

  • Guest
How do you make a Narcissist feel insignificant?
« Reply #53 on: November 10, 2010, 09:29:31 PM »
Quote from: "gary"
Been thinking about this title:  
Quote
How do you make a Narcissist feel insignificant?



  You don't have to do anything. They already feel that way. Thats why they became a Narcissist.

That is excellent logic, Gary.

Just wanted to add, that as EWew said, being happy seems to make them feel insignificant.

I never share any negative news with my NPD-HPD mother, anymore, and I know she hates this.  She is always digging for misery.  I used to share my problems with her but she only fed off of my misery, and used it against me.  

Now, I only share good news, I never share anything negative.  She really hates when things are going well for me.  My mother is like a jealous older sister, who is continually in competition with me.  I simply refuse to play her game.  That seems to take the wind right out of her sails.
« Last Edit: November 10, 2010, 09:30:27 PM by Saraa »

triste

  • Guest
How do you make a Narcissist feel insignificant?
« Reply #54 on: November 11, 2010, 04:33:36 PM »
Something to consider also:  how important to you is it to make him feel like he makes you feel?  What intrinsic value is there in this action?  Do you hope that in getting him to feel this way he can empathize and feel your pain?  Given all you know about his condition, what positive result (to you) do you feel can come of this?

I know it's painful to come to grips with the time wasted in your relationship if you have to simply shut down emotionally.  Does it make more sense to continue knowing that all you can get are tiny doses of satisfaction based on negative feelings?  Even if you have to stay until you can find an out, your first responsibility should be to yourself and maintaining your mental wellbeing, then can you save the additional parts of your life worth saving (your chld).  It's analagous to when the oxygen masks come out in a depressurized plane... they instruct you to put your mask on first so that you don't pass out and are unable to attend to your child.

From what I've read, this man gets off on power.  Perhaps why he became a cop in the first place... would score high on the F(ascist) scale I imagine.  He gets off on using your sensitivity against you instead of, like a normal person, appreciating it.  You appear to be a conscientious caregiver and yet what does he offer in return?  He's mindf***ing you.  Changing your login id is a good symbolism for disconnecting from him, but you also need to do it emotionally and take concrete steps to move on.
« Last Edit: November 11, 2010, 04:35:59 PM by triste »

Saraa

  • Guest
How do you make a Narcissist feel insignificant?
« Reply #55 on: November 12, 2010, 09:34:17 AM »
Quote
Something to consider also: how important to you is it to make him feel like he makes you feel? What intrinsic value is there in this action? Do you hope that in getting him to feel this way he can empathize and feel your pain? Given all you know about his condition, what positive result (to you) do you feel can come of this?

Good Question for the original poster, Triste.  

This is also a question I have long pondered.  

Here is my take:  For a victim to want revenge in some form, even if it is only to make the PD feel insignificant is a very normal stage to go through in recovery.  It will likely pass at some point as the non gets healthier, but I do not believe that this step can be overlooked.  

Cutting or limiting contact with a PD is a must, IMO.  

The "ignoring the PD" factor is definitely something that will make the PD feel "emotional"...The PD may be angry, or insignificant or peeved, or jealous.  If that makes the victim of the PD feel a sense of Shadenfreude, IMO, that is okay and it may even be beneficial, if the victim of the PD does not get stuck in the anger and revenge phase.

Ignoring a PD or cutting or limiting contact is typically a self defense for the non.  But the reality is that it does make the PD feel some type of negative emotion in reaction.    

IMO, the worst thing that a non can do to a PD is to fail to respond to them with any emotion.   Ignoring the PD, being happy, having a life of your own without the PD....  These are all things that will evoke a negative emotion in a PD.  It is unavoidable however if the non wants to remain sane.  

However, if the non takes some pleasure in knowing this. IMO, that is a healthy thing and not something that anyone should be made to feel shameful about.  It's a very normal reaction and part of the recovery process.

I agree though that getting stuck in that phase only keeps the non emotionally connected to the PD.  So part of recovery is to at some point move past the feeling of anger and wanting revenge, because that indicates a complete severing of the emotional connection to the PD.

I have to admit that I now get a sense of shadenfreude when my mother once again exhibits her feelings of jealousy for me.  A normal mother is not jealous of their own daughter.  Hence when my mother's green-eyed monster emerges, as it always does.  It validates for me once again that I am doing the right thing by severely limiting contact......And, that thought makes me feel good.

I used to feel guilty about even entertaining the thought that my mother was acting jealous toward me. I mean after all I must be imagining this because no normal mother would be jealous of their daughter.

But after years of confirmation from friends, family, in-laws, boyfriends and my husband, I now realize that I was not imagining things.

ewew

  • Guest
How do you make a Narcissist feel insignificant?
« Reply #56 on: November 12, 2010, 10:59:56 AM »
I agree with all triste says......

but anger is one of the things we go through when we realize we're dealing with someone who's never going to give us the treatment we've been working hard to receive.

It's the death of our dreams..... the death of hope.

We're mourning, and anger's usually one of the most helpful emotions when getting ourselves out, if we're going to go.

When we're able to see what part we played in the relationship.... when we can feel some empathy for the miserable life our NPD can't leave get out of..... maybe we can understand what triste is saying.

IME, bargaining, denial, depression and fear aren't as helpful as anger.

I always found the saying..... "We are where we want to be" very interesting when exploring our attachment to an abuser.

ewew

Saraa

  • Guest
How do you make a Narcissist feel insignificant?
« Reply #57 on: November 12, 2010, 01:29:52 PM »
Quote
when we can feel some empathy for the miserable life our NPD can't leave get out of..

Hi Ewew:

I do not think that NPD people have enough insight to be miserable.  They have a very high opinion of themselves and if people do not like them they blame the other people they do not look within.  They are not capable of that insight.  They do not feel guilt, fear, remorse or empathy.  

An NPD is the most likely of all the PDs to be a sociopath/psychopath.

A BPD however does appear to suffer, even though they too lack insight.  They do seem to be unhappy depressed and in pain.

My Mother is HPD-NPD.  She seems perfectly happy and comfortable with herself.  She is on no level miserable or unhappy.

My BPD brother by comparison is often depressed, sad and unhappy with his life.  

I think it is important to point that out because having too much empathy for an NPD can cause problems, IMO, by keeping the Non in the FOG.

IMO, the non needs to understand that the NPD has the capacity to be dangerous on an emotional or physical level.

IMO, a non dealing with an NPD needs to be given permission to NOT HAVE EMPATHY for them because doing so can keep them confused and emotionally connected.  It is dangerous trap.  

IMO, it is impossible to cut off someone or to severely limit contact and to then reconcile that with being empathetic. The act of severing contact or limiting contact is by it's nature a very UN-empathetic act. I think NONs need to come to terms with that, if they are being honest with themselves.  Letting go of empathy for the PD, however, needs to be done so that the non can survive.  

The difference between a PD and Non, is that the PD lacks empathy for anyone but themselves all of the time.  A non, can have empathy for others when safe and appropriate to do so.

I also have to severely limit contact with my BPD brother.  I can't say that doing so indicates empathy.  It indicates more a realization of the fact that my brother has an illness I can not fix and in order to avoid being dragged into his abyss of emotional turmoil.  I need to disconnect emotionally from him.

Empathy would only serve to keep me intricately connected to him.
« Last Edit: November 12, 2010, 01:36:19 PM by Saraa »

ewew

  • Guest
How do you make a Narcissist feel insignificant?
« Reply #58 on: November 12, 2010, 02:55:19 PM »
What they feel is empty without that reflection.

Doesn't matter what image is reflected, as long as something's being reflected.

Without it, they're nothing, and nothing usually feels pretty scary.

When I took away the reflection.... my N sociopath came apart in front of my eyes.

He looked drugged, out of control, volitile, became violent......

he went mad.

I'd say it's worse than misery.  

ewew

Existential despair

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 274
How do you make a Narcissist feel insignificant?
« Reply #59 on: November 12, 2010, 03:09:11 PM »
VNV - Victory Not Vengeance

Name of a band I love. Great music AND deep lyrics!
Actual band name is VNV Nation and VNV stands for as stated above.

I'd like to use it here ... it's true ... you want TRIUMPH over this and NOT revenge / settle a score with them. Eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth ... it's futile.

It took me a bit to accept that, though I knew better, I know, you almost can't help it for the hurt they made you feel, they've done onto you.

I love music and when you can't express yourself with your own words, a song or two helps. At least for me.

Assemblage 23 is another great band with meaningful lyrics.
Here's one for a PD we hope will come to ... realize sooner then later ... really for everyone's sake.

This ones called "REGRET"
Quote
Some time ago I checked my conscience
And found it wasn't all that clean
A trail of people I had hurt
A sea of sins left unredeemed

Regret is a dull and rusted blade
That covers me with scars that never fade
These wounds, like a catalog of flaws
Serve to remind me of all the pain I've caused

So I resolved to make amends
To heal the damage I had done
But I could never stop the torrent
Of those regrets still yet to come

Regret is a dull and rusted blade
That covers me with scars that never fade
These wounds, like a catalog of flaws

Serve to remind me of all the pain I've caused

This bitter sadness overwhelms me
And mires me down with velvet arms
It's time for me to face the music
It's time to undo all this harm

Regret is a dull and rusted blade
That covers me with scars that never fade
These wounds, like a catalog of flaws
Serve to remind me of all the pain I've caused
« Last Edit: November 12, 2010, 03:11:03 PM by struggling2010 »