Something to consider also: how important to you is it to make him feel like he makes you feel? What intrinsic value is there in this action? Do you hope that in getting him to feel this way he can empathize and feel your pain? Given all you know about his condition, what positive result (to you) do you feel can come of this?
Good Question for the original poster, Triste.
This is also a question I have long pondered.
Here is my take: For a victim to want revenge in some form, even if it is only to make the PD feel insignificant is a very normal stage to go through in recovery. It will likely pass at some point as the non gets healthier, but I do not believe that this step can be overlooked.
Cutting or limiting contact with a PD is a must, IMO.
The "ignoring the PD" factor is definitely something that will make the PD feel "emotional"...The PD may be angry, or insignificant or peeved, or jealous. If that makes the victim of the PD feel a sense of Shadenfreude, IMO, that is okay and it may even be beneficial, if the victim of the PD does not get stuck in the anger and revenge phase.
Ignoring a PD or cutting or limiting contact is typically a self defense for the non. But the reality is that it does make the PD feel some type of negative emotion in reaction.
IMO, the worst thing that a non can do to a PD is to fail to respond to them with any emotion. Ignoring the PD, being happy, having a life of your own without the PD.... These are all things that will evoke a negative emotion in a PD. It is unavoidable however if the non wants to remain sane.
However, if the non takes some pleasure in knowing this. IMO, that is a healthy thing and not something that anyone should be made to feel shameful about. It's a very normal reaction and part of the recovery process.
I agree though that getting stuck in that phase only keeps the non emotionally connected to the PD. So part of recovery is to at some point move past the feeling of anger and wanting revenge, because that indicates a complete severing of the emotional connection to the PD.
I have to admit that I now get a sense of shadenfreude when my mother once again exhibits her feelings of jealousy for me. A normal mother is not jealous of their own daughter. Hence when my mother's green-eyed monster emerges, as it always does. It validates for me once again that I am doing the right thing by severely limiting contact......And, that thought makes me feel good.
I used to feel guilty about even entertaining the thought that my mother was acting jealous toward me. I mean after all I must be imagining this because no normal mother would be jealous of their daughter.
But after years of confirmation from friends, family, in-laws, boyfriends and my husband, I now realize that I was not imagining things.