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Author Topic: Re: Separating From My Inside Dummy  (Read 401 times)

Toby

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Re: Separating From My Inside Dummy
« on: November 30, 2013, 03:05:24 AM »
Today,
   while the Turkey was browning and it seemed like at last we were sympatico, my PITA of 4 years drops that although the doctor said his hormones were now miraculously normal he still has no interest in making love. But I should not to take it personally, he offers, as it is straight across the board.     

Seriously...that is how one reassures his wife?

Something snapped inside, while a whirl of previous Holiday patterns marched with warning signs that glared, "Here he goes again, drumming up your cortisol hormone level to kick any oxytocin to hades and back."

Calmly as I cut the cord to divorced my inner dummy-of-waiting-on-broken-promises
I leveled laser beam eyes as I belched dragon fire to inform my SO,"Your next!"

It is done. NO more mind games..."Not my circus, not my clowns."
~No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.~Eleanor Roosevelt

Diverdown

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Re: Separating From My Inside Dummy
« Reply #1 on: November 30, 2013, 04:38:55 AM »
Toby,

I feel your pain. I spent the holiday with my FOO. Sort of went NC for the last 2 days. Did get texts from  2 brother outlaws and a call from one of adult sons.

Yesterday, my stbxw starts a giant Hoover phone call. I had been out with my brother, his adult kids and several of my best friends and there kids doing one of our favorite past times. Shooting trap and skeet and sighting in rifles. We have done this since we were kids.

My wife calls on my cell. She says that she has called several times and got no answer. She says that I must have not heard the phone ringing because of the gun noise. I said gee. That is interesting, my phone shows no missed calls. Then she goes on to say, "well I do not here any gun fire now" we were just starting to clean up. Then the interrogation starts. What have you been doing, when are you coming "home" what did you do for lunch,  ...........

I had told here that I would be home sat night of Sunday on several occasions. It is the normal combination of miss trust mixed with the good old Hoover

After 32 years of a deteriorating marriage, I am I am re kindling relationships with friends and family.

Now that I am OOTF fog, I feel great.


RoseRed

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Re: Separating From My Inside Dummy
« Reply #2 on: November 30, 2013, 06:10:57 PM »
Kudos to you Toby for your strength and clarity.  I, too understand the "wtf" moments when the pwPD says something.  As I have found, such profound statements have a lasting effect, and in my humble opinion, just as emotionally abusive.  In essence, its stating all that was supposed to be considered in an relationship, is thrown out the window... but remember... don't take it personally.  :aaauuugh:

Thank you for sharing the cutting the "dummy waiting on broken promises"... it hit home with me. 

As what has happened with me... dxAvPD H

has completely mowed over any boundary I have set.. and when brought it to his attention, he whimpers, he didn't understand.  I know this is his modus operandi.. so I make sure they are blistering absolutely obviously clear.

Then, after sabatoging and destroying my relationship with my family, he goes and rubs it in that he has a marvelous and supportive relationship with his.

He wouldn't see or doesn't care.. or just plan out maliciously does it... who knows?

The lies, and half-truths stack up... and I just have to accept that he is in such denial... I can't change that.

Did I expect anything different... unfortunately the hope dies hard... but reality is what it is...

Toby

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Re: Separating From My Inside Dummy
« Reply #3 on: November 30, 2013, 08:30:32 PM »
  Thanks Diverdown for the share. I too, love skeet and have shared the passion with my son as he grew. I was a woodsy type in my spry years.

   I also felt your pang with the stbxw gestapo call.((hugs))
I must admit that what I (once) attributed to gender differences, now appear to be PD concerns when amped.  Do you feel that she is incapable of sincere trust or acceptance that "others" can be unlike her or happy outside of her tether?

((RoseRed)) Thank your kindness. Your leadership in extending the safe circle while another is exposing one's backside (lol) is delightfully received.  I found that by drawing my line in the sand,  (then tossing back-up rocks) he took notice: I witnessed for the first time a proper three part apology. :applause:
  However, it is now my part to position as to not be sucked back into the same suspended disbelief system. One step at a time.
   Perhaps, you can take steps (Question- big question mark here) to mend your families love with just you? He shouldn't win by isolating you.  :kisscheek:

 

 
~No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.~Eleanor Roosevelt

RoseRed

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Re: Separating From My Inside Dummy
« Reply #4 on: November 30, 2013, 10:39:19 PM »
Toby,

Congrats on your receipt of an apology.  I received many of those, yet the behavior is the same, hence it really isn't an apology. sigh

As to mending the relationship with my family, well... after enduring much harsh questioning, my efforts of defending myself, yet not caving or giving in to their point of view, yet acknowledging them, they have chosen to expel me and believe dxAvPDH.  Sad but true, and I have worked through this as well.

Diverdown

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Re: Separating From My Inside Dummy
« Reply #5 on: December 01, 2013, 05:44:28 AM »
Toby,

Thanks for the support. I hope that the apology is sincere. My stbxw just does not know the word or concept of "I'm sorry"

Trust. An interesting concept. I suspect that she does not even trust herself. She knows that her memories are not always correct. I suspect that part of this is a side effect of the meds that she is on. Add to this the twisted interpretation that PD's have and at the end of the day there is a train wreck. Add any challenge that is out of the ordinary and look for the mushroom cloud.

I truly believe that she is incapable of trusting anyone. Anyone that has ever questioned what she has said or has done is on the suspect list. Even her mother and sisters whom are her main social network are not fully trusted. Our adult sons who grew up with a feeling that something is wrong with Mom, are not fully trusted. I am definitely on the not to be trusted list.

Toby

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Re: Separating From My Inside Dummy
« Reply #6 on: December 01, 2013, 05:40:16 PM »
RedRose... I understand on the apology and the possible allure of the next set of embracing false hopes. I remain in stance at my post of inner-dummy-enabling. lol
However, I needed a proper apology for my self respect.
   I am very sorry concerning your family loss :hug: I too have made amends with my family of origin by acceptance but not approval of their siding. I found comfort in the fact that I at least understood the reality of what I survived and could make a family of sorts through various boards working through similar concerns. I do not let them in my inner circle.

DiverDown...I appreciate your candor as I often wondered if those whom are the least anchored suspect everyone else. I have seen my SO recount history that is so far removed from my perception that I have come to the conclusion that we have not shared a life.

So...today...I chose to close the chapter of a us while offering my proposal to step down slowly. I told him to accept or not to accept my proposal but that there would not be any going back to the way we were or were not. :blush: He chose to accept. 
I also made it clear that he could not be my "friend" later as I do not keep close friends that lie (false promises)or betray me (lying by omission). However, with a little blessing we could have a quieter relationship as it winds down, as I no longer am counting on him to be a husband or stepfather.

It is official...I have stopped crying about what is not happening and moving onto opening the door to unlimited possibilities in my future. I am honestly a tad anxious.

~No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.~Eleanor Roosevelt

Goddess

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Re: Separating From My Inside Dummy
« Reply #7 on: December 01, 2013, 05:53:07 PM »
GOOD FOR YOU.

I like the "we are not going to be friends".  I wonder if that works, or if they come Hoovering back with a revisionist history?


bourdon

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Re: Separating From My Inside Dummy
« Reply #8 on: December 01, 2013, 07:23:03 PM »
Toby, what a remarkable decision - and what strength to make it a QUIET one.

I'm hoping for the same thing, but I haven't had the guts to tell my BPD H yet. We're "separated" living in the same house. I see it as transitioning out...

I hope that the agreement holds. Good for you, and much strength to you. I admire you.

Diverdown

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Re: Separating From My Inside Dummy
« Reply #9 on: December 01, 2013, 07:59:03 PM »
Toby,

I am excited for you. You are doing the best thing for YOU! Keep it quite and peaceful. Protect your interests and get your personal stuff in order.

I have not dropped the ball yet and will do so after the Christmas and New Years Holidays. All the paper is under way. I just want to spend a Peaceful holiday season with my great adult sons.

You will need to cry some more. It is part of the mourning process. Reconcile with your self.

Reconcile with family and friends. You will need the moral support.

Bourdon,

I suspect that your time is coming soon. One day the next light bulb moment will occur.

Best regards.

Toby

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Re: Separating From My Inside Dummy
« Reply #10 on: December 02, 2013, 12:14:31 AM »
Goddess...I thank you for the encouragement and the gentle reminder of hoovering. I will study the subject harder, in order not to grab an easy quick fix. It is scary at times to hear him recommit, then state he does not know what he wants (within a few hours) and then when I state I wish to be with someone that does know for sure if he wants/loves me, he suddenly recommits but rewrites the whole story to exclude the last few hours without his confusion inducing drama. Like it never happened and we are fine?

Bourdon, ((hugs)) Sweetie, it will take the strength of God, for me to be totally quiet...lol. So no admiration due. I feel your same pain. :hug:
Inside I am angry as hades for I have slept at night in a separate bedroom on a fluffy cot (in the same house) for two of the four years while he worked out his manhood declining thang'. I had thought I was being supportive by not pressing him as we are older. In the meantime, I went rather bunkers from the physical neglect and his avoidance of the topic.

Diverdown Oh I am sorry, so very sorry for your loss after so much time together. So, I sincerely thank you for your kind words in the midst of your own sadness.
I will be moving after the Holidays (as you) where my son/dil lives (3000 miles away) and will be making a new life + new friends there. I want to work my healing out differently this time. I want to feel empowered in my choice and not draw in the family-friends wagons protection. I will simply call it time to relocate. lol  I am not too concerned with protection of things...just my sanity and little dog. If I retain those...I am blessed. ;D
~No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.~Eleanor Roosevelt

Goddess

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Re: Separating From My Inside Dummy
« Reply #11 on: December 02, 2013, 07:26:09 AM »
Toby,
Here's what you are missing out on by leaving now:  NOTHING.

My uNDh pulled the same shit on me, just stranded me with no sex, no explanation except, "it's not your fault, I just don't want to".  As we now know, there was an unspoken addition to that, "...with you, anyway.  But it's nice to keep you hanging around wondering and hoping and loving me".

Your plan is perfect.  You're seeing things clearly.  You'll be way happier.  His loss, for sure.

Seriously, let the dude Hoover away.  Don't believe him for a second.  Have as little contact as possible.

I got a vision of him as the Wicked Witch, watching you in the crystal ball, screeching, "I'll get you, my pretty!  And your little dog, too."

You found out way earlier than I did.  I had already moved away, for FIVE YEARS.  He took his time, Hoovered me back, and then made sure I knew that he was laughing in my face for being so stupid as to believe him.

Get out quick, get out clean, don't look back.
« Last Edit: December 02, 2013, 07:28:46 AM by Goddess »

Toby

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Re: Separating From My Inside Dummy
« Reply #12 on: December 02, 2013, 11:31:25 PM »
Oh Goddess...you always make me laugh with your visuals! :rofl:
But honey...seriously, believing in love as you did (after a five year break) took courage.
It is always a risk...even when Goddesses loved Gods...crap happened, no? How boring would Greek Mythology be with perfection? So, no self-flogging for taking time to learn whom to trust. I admire you AND heed the heck out of your warning at the same time!
I will learn to love in a healthier manner and let go of unrealistic expectations with the mentally unequipped.  :wacko: It is unkind to expect every frog to be an prince...but unkinder still to fry them when they are found wanting.
My denial, my responsibility to accept the truth and make wiser choices. Sometimes, my journey can be as important as my destination.
Have you found love again?
~No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.~Eleanor Roosevelt

Goddess

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Re: Separating From My Inside Dummy
« Reply #13 on: December 02, 2013, 11:48:20 PM »
Well, I DO love that my experiences over the entire past 25 years of my life finally make sense...now that I found out what a PD is, I can stop desperately searching for some rhyme or reason to this relationship and see that it's all always been of a piece.  I swear, every single confusing thing that he's ever said to me makes sense now.

I've got a context for the chaos.

So, yes, it would be very nice if I hadn't had to move across the world into a sucky dark-greeny-brown emotional Hell and spend a year of my life being sad and stressed...but...all's well that ends well?

Gotta have faith that it'll all end well, right?  Or at least that it's going to maybe be interesting along the way.

And maybe perhaps even a little bit calmer?

So, yes, I've found love.  I love not having to believe that it's all my fault anymore.  I really tried to, but in the end I had to admit that that explanation just didn't fit the circumstances.

Here's to interesting, calm fun and love in future!
 :cheers:
« Last Edit: December 02, 2013, 11:51:17 PM by Goddess »

Toby

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Re: Separating From My Inside Dummy
« Reply #14 on: December 03, 2013, 12:11:29 AM »
(((Goddess))) you may want peace but you have to much spirit to stay calm..lol. You are one passionate woman with life!  :yourock:

Odd thing about that light-bulb moment, when all dark corners become crystal clear and we suddenly see the plans that led to our demise. Such freedom certainly deserves a drink...and a few frog legs for celebration. Twenty five years had to be spent somehow...I believe it was in training of a Jr. Goddess. YOU are now fully magical and empowered. :fireworks:

Thanks for your support and the sharing of your divine humor.
~No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.~Eleanor Roosevelt