Dealing with a Narcissistic Brother/Family - A Positive (?)

  • 4 Replies
  • 9092 Views
*

Opus

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 250
Dealing with a Narcissistic Brother/Family - A Positive (?)
« on: November 19, 2013, 08:40:10 PM »
Hi,

I figured I'd share a bit of my story and offer up some (perhaps) helpful solutions.

Brief History - My family runs the gambit, it seems, of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, as well as other things.  My home life was toxic growing up, and of my two siblings and myself, I might be the only one who "got out alive" so to speak.  I certainly didn't get out unscathed, and still deal with exorcising fleas with help from a very good T.

Recently, my brother and I have had to work together to help my mom and dad, who are getting older and needing more care, a new place to live with more medical necessities, etc.  My brother is a classic uNPD who is arrogant, hard-headed, always needing to be in control and ready to fly off into fits of rage at the slightest criticism or moment he feels "invalidated" and his way isn't being followed.  I've been reading the boards the last few days - I know many here know the type!  :)

OK, he's mom's GC.  I get that.  I'm not.  OK, I get that too.  I'm not the SC though.  But, in this case, I happen to know more than dear brother when it comes to medical insurance and care - My son has multiple disabilities and my wife and I have been around the block more than a few times.  I stepped in, and past my brother apparently, thinking I was helping them all.  Big mistake.  Brother went nuts!  I mean BLEW UP and went off on me.  It made me seek out this site and I posted a bit about it in the introduction thread.

But this site and discovering symptoms and strategies for people suffering from NPD got me thinking - Can I use this information to help my parents' situation?  The answer?  Yes!

I talked with my enabler/uNPD mom and told her, after my brother's blow up, that we have to handle him in a 'special way'.  He's obviously going through some 'very difficult things' and that we must 'be concerned' about HIS well-being.  I laid it on pretty thick - I'm praying for his well-being (not a lie - I am).  I explained to her, moving forward, that any conversation she and I have must be secret, and any conclusion we agree on must be considered HER idea when speaking to my brother.  At no time should he know that I have had any participation in making a decision for them.  After all, it's for 'his' best interest because he's having a 'hard time'.  It must be something she suggests to her so he can be in charge and in control.  I even suggested to her that if she wants something done, tell my brother that I suggest we do the opposite.  That would assure he'd do what she wanted!

My final words to my mom - "I don't need or want any accolades.  I just want to see you both safe comfortable and happy.  If this is the path we need to take to get that done, then I have no problem with it."

i mean that - I truly don't.

I kind of smile to myself when I think about it.  I don't know how successful this will be.  But I know my brother and his 'ways'.  Before I knew about the NPD, I would fight him, thinking it made a difference.  I now see how wrong I was.  Now since discovering this site and identifying their affliction, I may have a way of keeping the Monster at bay while supporting and getting the help my parents need. 

Thought I'd share with folks dealing with terrible situations regarding family members suffering from PD.  Knowledge IS power!

*

closure_with_clarity

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 1390
Re: Dealing with a Narcissistic Brother/Family - A Positive (?)
« Reply #1 on: November 19, 2013, 11:24:31 PM »
Brief History - My family runs the gambit, it seems, of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, as well as other things.  My home life was toxic growing up, and of my two siblings and myself, I might be the only one who "got out alive" so to speak.  I certainly didn't get out unscathed, and still deal with exorcising fleas with help from a very good T.

Hi Opus and welcome to OOTF. You'll find many of us ACONS share those same sentiments and experiences of having an infested FOO also. Both my parents have undiagnosed pds in the cluster B group and I have several siblings that have serious fleas at the very least. And one that is diagnosed ASPD. I too appear to be the only one of my siblings that made it out the other side with the least impacts and issues, so I can relate.


I talked with my enabler/uNPD mom and told her, after my brother's blow up, that we have to handle him in a 'special way'.  He's obviously going through some 'very difficult things' and that we must 'be concerned' about HIS well-being.  I laid it on pretty thick - I'm praying for his well-being (not a lie - I am).  I explained to her, moving forward, that any conversation she and I have must be secret, and any conclusion we agree on must be considered HER idea when speaking to my brother.  At no time should he know that I have had any participation in making a decision for them.  After all, it's for 'his' best interest because he's having a 'hard time'.  It must be something she suggests to her so he can be in charge and in control.  I even suggested to her that if she wants something done, tell my brother that I suggest we do the opposite.  That would assure he'd do what she wanted!

I'm extremely touched by your commitment to help and provide care to your parents despite the family dysfunction and toxicity. I tip my hat to you for having such immense empathy after all they put you through. However, I'd like to point out something I highlighted above in regards to you uNPD mom. Do not be surprised if she doesn't keep that agreement between the two of you and she spills the beans to your DB in the not too distant future.

She may have aged but she still has those deeply embedded N behaviors like orchestrating chaos to pit the siblings against each. And as far as a secrets, the only secrets they keep are the ones that pertain to them and cast them in a bad light, like how they abused and mistreated their children.

And as far as claiming the choices and decisions were hers, if she is a true uNPD I wouldn't hold my breath that she'll follow through. They love other people to make choices and decisions for them, so if any thing goes awry, they have someone else to blame. Life is just one big blame deflection and chaos making game for them in regards to their offspring.

I'm telling you this to simply try and enlighten you of what you're likely going to be up against here. Plan and brace accordingly for when you're dealing with a uNPD mom and uNPD brother there are likely lots of fireworks and chaos coming. Volatile and unpredictable to say the least.
Let go of the people that dull your shine. Poison your spirit. And bring you drama. Cancel your subscription to their issues.  :)

*

kayjewel

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 3202
Re: Dealing with a Narcissistic Brother/Family - A Positive (?)
« Reply #2 on: November 19, 2013, 11:31:16 PM »
In other words, you can't out-manipulate a master manipulator, which is what an NPD is.
There is no coming to consciousness without pain. People will do anything, no matter how absurd, in order to avoid facing their own soul. One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.
-- C. G. Jung

*

closure_with_clarity

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 1390
Re: Dealing with a Narcissistic Brother/Family - A Positive (?)
« Reply #3 on: November 19, 2013, 11:47:38 PM »
 :yeahthat: Isn't that the truth kayjewel
Let go of the people that dull your shine. Poison your spirit. And bring you drama. Cancel your subscription to their issues.  :)

*

Opus

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 250
Re: Dealing with a Narcissistic Brother/Family - A Positive (?)
« Reply #4 on: November 20, 2013, 09:24:04 PM »
Yes, I see what people are saying - I will heed all of your warnings, I promise.

Thank you!