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Author Topic: When will I finally let go  (Read 415 times)

Pnj021208

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When will I finally let go
« on: November 04, 2013, 04:11:36 PM »
Im writing this to share, get advice and maybe finally knock some sense into myself.    Why can't I just let go completely, there is a little part of me that still clings on to hope.  Hope that he will be the man I used to know.

This is my weekend
Friday - we are broken up again, I was doing ok, went out with some friends.  He shows up at my house later to get his stuff.  He gets his stuff and leaves.  I feel like Im making progress, not engaging him in back and forth stuff.  He asks me in an short tone, why I changed my garage door code.  I said because we are no longer together and I needed to set some boundaries.  He doesn't seem to understand my explanation.

Saturday - I go to yoga - that is my thing - and he shows up.    He tells me he wants to be friends and look out for me until I get settled.  I told him I am fine, and don't need his help.

Sunday - He sends me 2 dozen roses, expresses his undying love for me  and promises he will never leave me.  When I tell him I can't trust in his words, he is honestly confused as to why I won't just come around and give him another chance!  He buys a book called Love and Respect and says he is so excited he found the solution to all our problems.

Monday - I receive an email saying that the Holy Spirit spoke to him in a dream and he can no longer be with someone like me, a narcissist, who is enabling her children to be narcissists also.

I told him I don't want this mess anymore.  Im fed up, know this is so unhealthy, yet deep deep down miss him.  I need to get away forever.  My friends said to dump the roses on his porch, but I just threw them in the trash.  I feel that going to his house and dumping them on his porch is a form of trying keep contact.  I need to get away completely!

Does he truly not comprehend how absurd his expectations and reactions to my pulling away are?  Is that part of a PD?
« Last Edit: November 04, 2013, 04:32:06 PM by Pnj021208 »

closure_with_clarity

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Re: When will I finally let go
« Reply #1 on: November 04, 2013, 04:59:12 PM »

My friends said to dump the roses on his porch, but I just threw them in the trash.  I feel that going to his house and dumping them on his porch is a form of trying keep contact.  I need to get away completely!

Does he truly not comprehend how absurd his expectations and reactions to my pulling away are?  Is that part of a PD?

If you react in any way to his hoovers including dumping the roses back on his porch, his objective worked. He got a reaction out of you. They get satisfaction out of even negative behavior and thrive for that type of drama.

And yes his flip flop behaviors and hoovering are part of the pd. Just remain calm, collective, and objective and you won't get pulled into the hoovers.

Keep up the good work pnj021208. I think you've held up great so far. Focus on a future without him and you'll be onward and upward in the not too distant future.   :yes:
They can't drive you crazy if you don't give them the keys   ;D

Going NC is like throwing yourself a life raft and getting as far away as possible from the Titanic before it sinks and pulls you under too  :upsidedown:

Pnj021208

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Re: When will I finally let go
« Reply #2 on: November 04, 2013, 09:21:55 PM »
Thanks Clarity, One minute I feel up and invincible and the next I feel like a scared little girl.  Your support means a lot and can mean the different between me staying strong or giving in.  Thank you

Unda

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Re: When will I finally let go
« Reply #3 on: November 04, 2013, 10:23:01 PM »
I agree completely with closure_with_clarity. Do not react to anything he does, that'll just give him an opening (no matter how small) to start hovering you, and it'll be harder and harder to stay out of his reach. And yes, his actions are absurd, definitely consistent with some PD.

It's normal that you go from feeling great to feeling anxious. It is scary, but you will be OK. If I feel fine, I tell myself that there'll be rough times again, so that when they come, I'm not so down; if I feel terrible, I tell myself I'll feel better again. You're strong, you're wise -- you'll get yourself out of this.

Big hug.


SeekingPeace

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Re: When will I finally let go
« Reply #4 on: November 04, 2013, 11:59:03 PM »
He is desperate in his need to control you. No matter whether the method he uses or your reaction is positive or negative, it is still control and it is his drug. Stay strong and stay above it. You have choices in how much control you give him, and any is too much. One more thing- there is no such thing as an immediate solution. Emotional change takes time and a lot of,hard work. Don't believe it when he claims to have a quick fix. It won't work. So he is a prophet to whom God speaks directly? This man is toxic.

Angeltears

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Re: When will I finally let go
« Reply #5 on: November 07, 2013, 05:38:00 PM »
I have a similar issue. It has been over a year since we broke up. He still does things to contact, and has no idea when I don't respond accordingly. I always knew he had issues, but I cared about the person who loved me and was really quite kind and caring. I thought we could work on things together, after all we all have issues. I was wrong. The whole of his being is so complicated, and there is nothing I can do to help except go insane with him.

There is a saying that goes, Living with mad men makes you mad. That's the truth in spades.

So while, I think it is possible to have successful relationships with people who have personality disorders, I think it really requires that person to be willing to do the long hard work to overcome their problems.

I loved my partner like I have love no other. It was a deep and romantic love. I think there may be a part of me that will always appreciate the wonders of knowing him. Yet, in the end, sometimes love is not enough. In those times, you have to love yourself and let others love you.

Be strong.

Angel

mulberry

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Re: When will I finally let go
« Reply #6 on: November 07, 2013, 06:46:02 PM »
Here is a some very helpful articles:

http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/search?q=hoovering

:ninja:

m
« Last Edit: November 07, 2013, 11:43:46 PM by IDK »
Trust, like life, love, and time, is precious.

-mulberry