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Author Topic: where is my husbands heart?  (Read 389 times)

prairie gal

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where is my husbands heart?
« on: August 19, 2013, 11:08:44 PM »
You know... I was thinking after this weekend talks with my uNPD/BPD h about our r/s.

About the whole push-pull thing...and his resentful attitude because I am holding out for him to start building a new, safe place to give my whole heart to. This whole struggle of him trying to charm me back in to giving my heart, thinking he would surely cherish it THIS time and then bam! he starts the rejection, withholding and pushing away.

2-3years dating, followed by (then) 23 years marriage and I finally caught on. Not safe. So this last year I have been waiting for him to take responsibility. He just toys with my mind trying to get full-throttle love and attention back. We still romance each other, just not head over heels style right now.

But today I thought of something...we never discuss him giving me HIS heart. Never even occurs to me to think about whether or not he has given me his heart.The focus is always on my heart and where it is. Not about how badly it is hurting, just about where its location is. In his grip or not.

Isn't this strange? Now I'm wondering about his heart and how to know if he has given it to me or not....fort thing that comes to mind is he has lost track of that one too.

RoseRed

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Re: where is my husbands heart?
« Reply #1 on: August 20, 2013, 01:15:42 AM »
PG

This is a very relevant topic and I believe the core of persons with a PD.  Depending on the PD the manifestation of behaviors will be different, however the  end result behavior is the same.

We have very similar situations in the length of the r/s.  The mode of my dxAvPDH is to be very passive aggressive.  What I have come to guess at an understanding of his heart, as like you, it is not discussed, is that he himself does not know his heart, he does not know what its suppose to be. Again, this is only a guess at my part, and I can only make this statement based upon a moment of clarity that he did share with me.  He confessed that he did not and for 20+ years does not know what love, honor and cherish means.  Those words do not come with a definition when it come to an emotional connection in terms of a meaningful relationship.  I worked for a year to help him with this concept by trying many different approaches, with the guidance of a MC, however it was not successful. He would resist, he would withdraw, and ultimately reject me.  In essence, as he explained to me, I was and always had been an emotional roommate.

I believe you are correct in your statement, it has nothing to do about the state of your heart, it is about the possession of it. It is common for a partner to be objectified. 

It has been a very tough pill to swallow now knowing the state of the r/s for all these years, and once the fascade fell away, but I understand I did not cause this, I cannot cure it and I cannot control it.  I am not responsible for his choices, and I do not shelter him from the consequences of them either.

Best wishes to you

Thorn bird

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Re: where is my husbands heart?
« Reply #2 on: August 20, 2013, 05:10:01 AM »
Hi! prairie gal I did a post a while back about 'Love' and I suppose that is what is meant by 'Heart'.  I so want to think my partner is able to 'Love' and knows where his 'heart' is regarding me and yet I really do not think he does know or has the same in depth feelings.
The bottom line is he wouldn't hurt me so much if he did and be so unaware of how much he does.  It is sad and at the same time I feel so confused and angry - I do empathise with you and wonder how you have sustained your relationship for so long?! :stars:
The bird with the thorn in it's breast is driven by it knows not what to impale itself and die singing. But when we put thorns in our breast we know, we understand. And still we do it. Still we do it.

prairie gal

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Re: where is my husbands heart?
« Reply #3 on: August 20, 2013, 08:02:18 AM »
RoseRed- thank you for sharing your experience with your husband. It must have been hard to hear that the words love, honor and cherish have no meaning to your husband.  And how that affects you has no meaning either. I like how you have accepted this without sheltering him from the consequences. Care to share an example so I can see how that works?

Thornbird- I guess I must have made a distinction in my own mind between love and heart. I don't know where I got this but it seems to be my way of looking at it.....does my husband love me? Well, he tells me that he does lots of times when we are in the romancing period and withholds the words when we are in 'push' mode, so I know which mode we are in, I guess.  Sorta like when you're playing checkers with someone and you don't know who's turn it is. 'Push' must mean its my turn.

And he does romantic gestures and is very affectionate. He tells me he can't live without me and now I have a better idea of what he means by that. He can't live without my willingness to let him hurt me. Litterally, without that power over me, he would rather take his own life.

Has he given me his heart? By that I guess I am looking for his authentic self...do I know his authentic self? Has he made that available to me? Does he let me see him for who he really is? No. I always had this feeling of not really knowing who he is. A mystery. I don't think he knows who he is either and is too busy trying to keep me distracted from looking. Because he is afraid, I'm guessing, of what I will see. But if that is the case, he must actually know something about himself if he tries to keep me from seeing it/him.

How have I hung in there so long? Yeah. I have loved him way more than I have loved myself. And I gave away my personal power to him as I was taught a good woman of the faith of my upbringing does if she loves God. But I am changing and growing and learning to change how I see it, make my beliefs my own.

Its kinda funny, I used to always own a pair of cowgirl boots, then as I became more and more powerless, saw them as too powerful for a submissive wife. Didn't keep a pair in my closet. I never thought that through, it just happened.

But when I got my lightbulb moment, and the fog started lifting, I told myself, "I need to get myself a pair of cowgirl boots again. And I did! Ones with some attitude! I wear them too! With jeans and with a summer dress. They serve as a reminder of where I went and where I 'm heading now.

And, here's something else...I have been thinking a second pair might be nice! It would give me more choices! And that fits with my current goals of making enough changes in my life so I can get to a place of having options. Pg

SerenityGranted

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Re: where is my husbands heart?
« Reply #4 on: August 20, 2013, 08:03:30 AM »
Prairie ...

Its called one sided relationship. you get to only see his heart thru his bullshit words. they literally are half a human. in my experience with narcissism.. i was the sole heartbeat, the sole "feeler"..the sole fixer.the sole plan maker..i run around in circles fixing, explaining, hurting, trying, educating..while he sits there with the remote getting pleasure im sure.
Our brains then turn into sloppy joe mix ...over analyzing..replaying..trying to find where "we" messed up..well, cuz he said i did so it must be true..NOT!

Life is more peaceful without them. my brain isnt racing at night. like it was for years.

((Bighug))
life is what happens to you while your busy making other plans ~john lennon
GOD grant me the SERENITY to accept the things i cannot change...
NeVeR LeT YeStErDaY.. FiLL uP tOdAy

alive

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Re: where is my husbands heart?
« Reply #5 on: August 20, 2013, 08:12:57 AM »
Hi prairie gal:
Cool about those cow girl boots! 

I 've gotten a lot of insight from this thread and people's replies.

SerenityGranted hit the nail on the head with "It's called a one sided relationship".

As I understand you are really more like a parent.  A small child is to be loved unconditionally and their needs met without question.  A small child does not know how to love back and cannot be a full partner but can show some affection if taught how to do so.

For me waiting for the child to "grow up" was excruciating.
I will literally open my mouth not knowing what is coming out.
 
Leo Kottke

SerenityGranted

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Re: where is my husbands heart?
« Reply #6 on: August 20, 2013, 08:22:08 AM »
Alive: ur last sentence is a powerful one ...

Its damn near impossible to wait for the child to grow up. hes almost 40...and still uses "fart" as his work password,while mine is "our date together"..ugh
life is what happens to you while your busy making other plans ~john lennon
GOD grant me the SERENITY to accept the things i cannot change...
NeVeR LeT YeStErDaY.. FiLL uP tOdAy

Thorn bird

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Re: where is my husbands heart?
« Reply #7 on: August 20, 2013, 10:05:41 AM »
I see what you mean about the difference between 'Love' and 'Heart'.  It can be very easy to use love glibly or in romantic situations - it can in fact be empty and hollow.  To give someone 'Their Heart' as you say gives a deeper authenticity to the meaning of love. Love should be unconditional and so many people use love in such a shallow way that to refer to 'The Heart' gives it the real meaning :yes:
The bird with the thorn in it's breast is driven by it knows not what to impale itself and die singing. But when we put thorns in our breast we know, we understand. And still we do it. Still we do it.

annemarie

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Re: where is my husbands heart?
« Reply #8 on: August 21, 2013, 10:31:25 AM »
I love that you got cowgirl boots!! :)

My husband's mother told me that my H doesn't know himself. She also said she thought he could one day make a good husband (as in, he couldn't right now). This was before we were married. How I have come to see the truth of her words, and hung onto the hope of him growing up into a good husband.
~*~You have circled this mountain long enough. Now turn north! -Deut 2:3~*~