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Author Topic: What happens when the scapegoat goes NC?  (Read 1381 times)

Mamalulu

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What happens when the scapegoat goes NC?
« on: July 29, 2013, 04:13:28 PM »
I am the trash pail in which EVERYTHING in my family has always been dumped into. My parents appear to get along great after 40 years of marriage, my sister thinks they are great parents, they think she's a great daughter (no wonder they were able to convince me for so long that I was the problem).

But now I'm gone. Completely. So where will they dump it all? Will my sister have to rotate between GC and SG now? Will their marriage crumble? Will they continue to get what they need by complaining about me to anyone who will listen, especially since I 'betrayed' them after 'all they've done for me?'. Will it get tossed on neighbors or extended family? Where does all that negative energy go now that I'm no longer there to take it?

curiousmonkey91

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Re: What happens when the scapegoat goes NC?
« Reply #1 on: July 29, 2013, 04:17:39 PM »
More than likely, they'll turn on each other eventually. 

Good for you for standing up for yourself and going NC.  They may try to hoover you back in, but stay strong!  You are not alone!  I encourage you to explore this site, especially the "toolbox" section.  It's a great resource for people who've grown up in a PD family (like me).


daughter

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Re: What happens when the scapegoat goes NC?
« Reply #2 on: July 29, 2013, 04:23:27 PM »
My parents individually complain loudly about one another, but would present a lovey-dovey front to extended family and friends.  Already as a child, I realized that my parents deflected their anger at each other and so vented at me, a well-behaved, obedient, and task-burdened child, to avoid arguing with on another.  I was the target for their stress relief.

When I moved cross-country for several years, they'd each call me individually to complain long and bitterly about the other.  My father would even say, "you need to be here; I can't handle her", and mutter about divorce.  Now that I've been NC for more than a year, my hoovering father still complains about my mother, and how I "owe him" because I'm "emotionally strong enough to endure" her mistreatment and malevolence.  There it was again, in all its ugly truth: my father was quite happy to sacrifice me for "peace in the family", and my mother's quite happy to ignore my existence altogether.

Think how satisfying it is to no longer be the emotional sponge for all that malevolence and ill will.  Let them project their anger upon each other, where it belongs, let them soak in their own rancor, where it resides.  You and I are free, free at last.

Jillian

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Re: What happens when the scapegoat goes NC?
« Reply #3 on: July 29, 2013, 04:29:12 PM »
daughter - what a terrible position for your parents to put you in. Unfair and inappropriate. My exBPDfriend did the same thing, stating that I was the only one who could handle the difficult people in her circle, and even got me to volunteer for a group she was in, as a way to get me in her intimate space and connected to her.

When I went no contact with my exBPDfriend, I continued to be the scapegoat for months, even in my absence. Everything that went wrong in her life, was because of something I had done. I wasn't even there anymore, and I was still the problem. Our mutual friends would let it slip regularly about what she was saying about me.

She had done the same thing with someone before me. And when I could no longer be blamed, because she was making new mistakes with new people who had nothing to do with me, she found new a new scapegoat.

As far as I know, she's still doing it, going through groups of friends, burning bridges as she goes.

For family, my mom had multiple scapegoats, and rotated through them depending on what the problem was. First it was my brother, then me, then my dad, then my aunts, then my grandma, then me again, then her husband.

Granted, each of us made some bad decisions here and there. None of us were saints. In fact, my grandmother was very abusive to my mom her entire childhood. But my mom needed to have a scapegoat whenever anything went wrong. So she cycled through people to blame.

Me not being around made it less likely to be the scapegoat, although, she used me not being around to explain some of her problems, too. So I could be a scapegoat even when I wasn't even around to do anything wrong. I did things wrong even when I wasn't there.

kayjewel

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Re: What happens when the scapegoat goes NC?
« Reply #4 on: July 29, 2013, 04:53:36 PM »
I am basically NC with my uNPD sister, and as far as I know, I am still her scapegoat. She may have other scapegoats that I don't know about, but I seem to be her primary one. She talks with our elderly father a lot, and from what I understand, part of that involves her criticizing and saying nasty things about me, and trying to cause me trouble.

Even though he has caught on to what she's doing, and has refused to be alienated from me the way she wants, her relationship with him (as the surviving last member of our FOO, other than Sis and me) still serves as a venue where she can keep the scapegoating of me alive. Once he's gone, I'm not sure what she will do with that. I think his passing will be difficult for her anyway, since he serves as a big source of narcissistic supply for her. I do not intend to let her back into my life at that point. I feel sympathy in advance for her husband.

« Last Edit: July 29, 2013, 04:56:02 PM by kayjewel »
There is no coming to consciousness without pain. People will do anything, no matter how absurd, in order to avoid facing their own soul. One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.
-- C. G. Jung

Mamalulu

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Re: What happens when the scapegoat goes NC?
« Reply #5 on: July 29, 2013, 05:42:45 PM »
See I've gone NC with all 3 of them at once and they never seem to fight with each other. The only time I can think of is right after I graduated from university and got a job as a marine biologist- that must have been a huge source of boasting and N supply for my parents- what an impressive sounding job! (Plus it paid a lot and money money money is what they value above all else). Well suddenly my sister who was working for a non profit charity at the time got demoted to SG and I was suddenly the GC. They were constantly harassing her about going back to school to do something 'more lucrative' and telling me how proud they were of my accomplishments.

It didn't last though, they soon decided my job was a way of 'avoiding reality' (I was gone for months at a time for work and then would get several months off to do as I pleased). Once they talked sister into going to law school it was game over- she was GC again and I was a loser who was never going to do anything but waste my time. Now I'm a lowly substitute teacher and SAHM and she's a lawyer.

I wonder what would happen if I ever won the lottery or came into money or birthed the magical grandson they never got. Would they try to hoover or just be one big pile of sour grapes?

kayjewel

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Re: What happens when the scapegoat goes NC?
« Reply #6 on: July 29, 2013, 07:37:38 PM »
Scapegoating is mostly in their minds, to begin with. So when you get right down to it, it wouldn't necessarily matter whether we're in contact with them or not. My sister is a journalist. Back when I was still reading what she wrote for her newspaper, I noticed that she would interview people who had beliefs and interests that were similar to mine. Then she would go back to her office and write articles about them, in which she mocked them.
There is no coming to consciousness without pain. People will do anything, no matter how absurd, in order to avoid facing their own soul. One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.
-- C. G. Jung

Deb2

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Re: What happens when the scapegoat goes NC?
« Reply #7 on: July 29, 2013, 08:58:44 PM »
I haven't spoken to my dBPD sister in more than a decade. Yet she still blames me for her non-existant relationship with her 2 oldest kids. Probably for her LC relationship with the 3rd one too. Who I rarely see!  Oh, well. I know the truth.

Mamalulu

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Re: What happens when the scapegoat goes NC?
« Reply #8 on: July 29, 2013, 09:20:20 PM »
I guess part of the healing process is reaching a point where you don't care what they are doing to each other or saying about you in your absence. You're just glad to be gone period... Not there yet, it's only the beginning. I guess I'm secretly hoping at least one of them is just enabling/mirroring/something and if I'm gone they might get turned on, wake up and can 'get better'. My mom and sister have both shown signs of being human at some points, only my dad has always been 100% N to me. But most likely all 3 of them are just N in different ways and I should just cut my losses and not look back.

sandpiper

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Re: What happens when the scapegoat goes NC?
« Reply #9 on: July 29, 2013, 11:16:21 PM »
I went NC with my sisters just on 8 years ago when I simply couldn't take any more. Evilsis chucked me into the sin bin & I decided that rather than grovel and beg to be released I'd just take it as a gift and slip away quietly while she was snotting and ranting.

It's strange, because when I just tried to apply that question to my own life, my reaction was 'Who cares?' Because I'm free and I don't want to waste another minute of my life stressing over her crap.

I did worry a lot about that immediately before and after NC, though. I think it just takes a while to lose the 'edge' that you have from being around them. My life is so much  better being away from that and I don't miss the constant stress of having to jump through hoops, dismantle smear campaigns, and put out the forest fires. I don't live in their world anymore so if they want to start fires, then the forest can burn and if I'm not there to see it or get choked by the smoke, then it's really not my problem.

I feel for their kids but thanks to T I learned that it's not within my power to help them. What I learned in T is that the best thing I can do to help others in my FOO is to show them that rebellion can succeed and escape to a better life is possible. The first mental health worker to tell me that it sounded like BPD responded to my question of 'how can I help the others?' with 'Be a good role model.' That sounded really cheesey at the time but it's true.

Something I've learned about abusive relationships is that it takes the victim of the abuse a long time to heal and it's only possible to do that out of range of the abuser and their abuse. So many people slip up and allow themselves to be drawn back into the relationship. I think it's especially hard for those of us who have abusive PD family members because we want to 'fix' them and we've been brainwashed from childhood into believing that's our role.

I guess I see things differently now & I tend to view FOO that put up with the behaviour and enable it as being responsible for their choices and their destiny. It's not my responsibility to fix their lives or help them see the light. It's my responsibility to take good care of me & to live a good, happy, and responsible life.

So I would answer your question a little differently than perhaps what you were thinking.
What happens when the scapegoat goes NC, is that if they do the work on themselves in T, they live a happy and fulfilling life, and they stop thinking about what the crazy people are doing. :)


Mamalulu

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Re: What happens when the scapegoat goes NC?
« Reply #10 on: July 30, 2013, 04:11:40 AM »

So I would answer your question a little differently than perhaps what you were thinking.
What happens when the scapegoat goes NC, is that if they do the work on themselves in T, they live a happy and fulfilling life, and they stop thinking about what the crazy people are doing. :)

Hell yeah!!!

I am kind of thinking of this whole forced NC/punishment for standing up for myself as a gift too. I tend to feel guilty over everything and the fact that they are the ones saying they want NC (unless I drop these 'false allegations') and because those allegations are 100% true and something any decent person would accept and believe, and because I've offered family therapy and they've refused, I can walk away right now without feeling that it's my fault or that I didn't try.

This whole situation stops bothering me whenever I spend some time with my children or husband or good friends who treat me well. Whenever I'm feeling really happy and busy I feel how much more space in my life I have for the good stuff now that I'm not forced to deal with all the crap.

When I left my N ex 9 years ago I felt the same way- I would feel immense relief at times and then the sadness and anger and desire for revenge and to 'prove' to him that he had done me wrong. But over time I just didn't give a rats ass what the nut job was doing or thinking anymore. I met my husband 8 years ago and have never looked back. Actually I am thankful every day that I walked away from that horrible abusive man and opened the space in my life for someone nice and normal. The biggest thing I am thankful for is that I never had children with that man and my girls are growing up in a house so different than the one I did with a real 'daddy' that adores them.

I don't know what leaving my family will bring me, but I suppose that space has to be filled up with something, and I'm sure it will be good. It's just really hard in the beginning and I guess it's going to take time again.

PrettyPictures

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Re: What happens when the scapegoat goes NC?
« Reply #11 on: July 30, 2013, 07:18:57 PM »
My parents individually complain loudly about one another, but would present a lovey-dovey front to extended family and friends.  Already as a child, I realized that my parents deflected their anger at each other and so vented at me, a well-behaved, obedient, and task-burdened child, to avoid arguing with on another.  I was the target for their stress relief.

When I moved cross-country for several years, they'd each call me individually to complain long and bitterly about the other.  My father would even say, "you need to be here; I can't handle her", and mutter about divorce.  Now that I've been NC for more than a year, my hoovering father still complains about my mother, and how I "owe him" because I'm "emotionally strong enough to endure" her mistreatment and malevolence.  There it was again, in all its ugly truth: my father was quite happy to sacrifice me for "peace in the family", and my mother's quite happy to ignore my existence altogether.

Think how satisfying it is to no longer be the emotional sponge for all that malevolence and ill will.  Let them project their anger upon each other, where it belongs, let them soak in their own rancor, where it resides.  You and I are free, free at last.

That sounds so much like my parents, only in reverse.  With me,  it's my mother who acted like she needed me to be there because she can't stand my father.
And my father is the one who couldn't care less if I'm around.
They too have a rocky marriage behind closed doors, but out in public they act as if they are the happy couple.

As for scapegoats going NC,  I know that a PD tends to move on to someone else once a scapegoat has gone NC.
But that hasn't seemed to happen with me.   It's been almost 2 years since I stopped associating with FOO but I think my mother still uses me to get attention from others.  She's still the sad mother who's daughter "chose estrangement for some unknown reason".

overit830

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Re: What happens when the scapegoat goes NC?
« Reply #12 on: July 30, 2013, 07:37:06 PM »
Congrats on breaking free!

 I was scapegoat too. i didn't go no contact, but  was  able to set boundaries effectively. My sister, aka golden child, never even thought my mother had a PD. Well....as soon as I set boundaries my mom started in on her golden child! Hahaha! Its not funny, but lets admit it, it's a little validating after being a scapegoat for all those years! Don't know what exactly happened, don't care. All I know is my entitled little sis all the sudden "sees what I was talking about." 

my old therapist once told me one of the reasons your family fights to keep everyone in their assigned roles is because if one person drops out the whole dynamic is forced to change. And it will.