Coping with Personality Disorders > Chosen Relationships

My ex-H still affects me...

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SpringEarth:
I want to post thanking you all for the replies. I'm not really sure what in all is going on inside me right now about all this, so I wanted to acknowledge you all.

Thank you.

I'll see if I can put this stuff into some kind of order.

jrrr:

--- Quote from: "SpringEarth" --- ...how easily I slip into a "place" where I will take the blame for each and every thing that goes wrong.

But I'm the responsible one in the relationship and I know better than to expect him to pay attention to ANYTHING. It's just the way he is.

No matter what angle my T tried to go at this from, I managed to twist it right back to me being at fault for it.
--- End quote ---
Hey, Springearth -

You know, this is an issue I developed early on in my own life. Taking full responsibility when it is not ours to take can be as debilitating as taking none. What a burden to shoulder, eh?

I do think it's a learned thought pattern, and I agree that it may start out as self-protection in order to avoid, um, 'further unpleasantries'.

I've been counseled to wonder, what if I didn't take the blame...? That might mean that someone else could think so little of me that they are hurting me on purpose. It might mean that someone else could have that much impact on what is happening to me, and that ain't good.

Taking undue blame could have something to do with a grasping for control when our lives - or major aspects of them - seem out of control. The alternative is oftentimes too scary or ugly. It can be a difficult thing to give up...

~ jr

Myst:
Hi SpringEarth,

I'm so sorry that you are still dealing with those effects in such a big way.  It's misery, isn't it?

You asked why he still has such an effect on you after 5 years.   The effects of a BP S.O. go deep into us, and it isn't a quick or easy thing to undo that damage.  Plus, we may have learned how to acquire other people's guilt long before we met the BP and so there's all of those years of habit and self-deprication to overcome too.  I am so thankful you are working with a T - that person can help you get to the root cause of why you are so eager to accept the guilt that isn't yours, and will help you learn to recognize when the guilt belongs to someone else and isn't yours to take on.  It's hard work, but so very necessary and worth it.

Hang in there!  You have already come a long way, and you will continue to make progress if you just don't give up!

~ Myst ~

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