Coping with Personality Disorders > Separating & Divorcing

Feeling paralyzed by the pain

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Lala1120:
I wish I could say that leaving someone who has been so hurtful to me on so many levels would make it easier to leave but it's not. BPD/unPPDh and I are now moving forward with divorce, if not annulment, and it's feeling very real.

I'm so acutely hurt by the pain caused by H and the end of our marriage, I almost can't function. Basic tasks seem insurmountable and if I didn't need to get up and out of bed to earn a living, I would stay in bed all day long. On top of it, I don't have enough money to see my T right now because I'm bracing myself for the costs of divorce.

I can't think straight and the mental movies of H and I keep replaying in my mind: us meeting, the "good ole days," the big fight, our separation, and now our divorce. I think of our wedding day, the vows, how I felt and what I thought at the time that we got married - that we'd be together forever and had a bright future.

I'm so hurt I feel pain in my chest. I find it excruciatingly difficult to respond to basic text messages or emails.

I'm devastated he projects what he does onto me and accuses me of things he's doing. It makes it all the more painful.

I'm frustrated by the fact that I feel I have done EVERYTHING I could possibly think of to make things work - at the expense of myself - and things didn't work.

I'm scared of what life will be like without H, especially when I contrast life without him against the good memories I have with him.

I feel so alone and feel paralyzed by my pain. I feel like I'll never recover from this. I feel like it's unbearable.

freshroasted:
I don't have a lot of advice to offer but just to let you know you are not alone. It's so hard to get through this phase. How long we're you married? We have been married less than 6 months so I feel your pain having your vows and wedding stuff coming back to haunt you. (and taunt you)
If there's any way to cut back somewhere else so you can see a therapist that is probably worth doing. I had the thought to go less often occur to me today but then I had a visit with her and realized just how valuable it is to me.

Oneness:
I'm there with you Lala, in the same boat. I know the pain in your chest you are talking about, I have it every day too - I take my anti-anxiety meds for it when it gets too bad. I would rather stay in bed all the time, but I have a job and a child.

I wish I had some advice for you, but this is a process we go through. Just make an effort every day to do things, it gets easier. Baby steps. Force yourself to get up and go for walks, or call friends and listen to stories of their current lives to distract you. You can do this, I know how much it hurts and how devastating it all is - you will go through the 5 stages of grief and heal. When this is over, you can move on, you have a bright future as a lawyer ahead of you. I know it may take a long time, years even, for you and I and others here in the same devastating situation of the aftermath of a break up with a PD to heal, but we can do this!

Sending you love and warm, healing thoughts!  :bighug:

Lala1120:
We have been married since March, separated in May, and now divorcing. I feel like it was just yesterday that we were vowing to be with each other "til death do us part" and now we're preparing to divorce.

I will try to see my therapist. H put me in a position where I am relying on him financially and if it is annulled, I'm not sure exactly what my budget will look like. I'm a little stressed about money.

I hate these feelings, it leaves me so depressed and feeling as though I'll never be okay again. I don't know how long they will last. My future, when I married H, felt so certain - I thought it was going to go down this certain trajectory of living together, buying a home, having kids...and now all of that is gone and I'm planning a life without him.

We've been physically separated but I was hoping things would work out even though I saw myself warp into a person that I'm not around him because I'm afraid of being myself and showing my true feelings. I was hoping our fight was just a big misunderstanding and that things weren't as bad as I thought them to be. But as time goes on, I see that they were really bad and are getting worse.

I feel awful, I feel like I'm in a purgatory. I can't escape these feelings and I feel like they'll never go away. I literally feel as though my life is crashing down.

Oneness:
I didn't marry my PD, but I did split from my exh and know the feeling of having your life crashing down. I so wanted a happy marriage and kids, but after our son was born my whole dream crumbled. I had to move in with my parents with my son.

I hope you can go see your therapist! It is so very sad your dreams of a happy marriage came crashing down so soon after you were married. FWIW, at least you did not have children and get stuck in a  cycle of abuse with your children suffering with you.

You will find a way through this, I believe in you!

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