Coping with Personality Disorders > Chosen Relationships

I know I know I know

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kitty:
To Varja and making changes and to all that listen to me go on and on and on

Yes, I am making excuses AGAIN for the H's behavior. But it is not sticking like it used to. I get what you are telling me about self-compassion. I had to return the keys to the old house, write the exit letter, set up the printer, roll out the garbage bin at the old house, pay the rent at the new house, inquire why I have to pay the water bill that just arrived since I had not even began living in the new apartment, feed the animals, walk the dog, travel 2 1/2 hours to settle the old house rental....and I have come to the conclusion that I am allowing my self to be used up by the H. He called this morning to give me his list of things for me to do.

I just can't stand one more order from the doc that can't keep a job. I can't stand being married to him. I can't stand listening to him justify why he is again going to be unemployed (or maybe not if he gets the other temp job he has applied for). I just can't stand even listening to him about anything.

But I can't leave until my work situation changes for the better. Like trying to find a livable wage job after being out of the market for seven years.

I really need help here. What words do I say when he gives me another bullsh@t story about why he got canned again. Or all the other bullsh@t that he wants me to co laborate with him in his twisted mind.

I am so over this...but how do I survive until I can leave.

How do I do that????????????????????????????????

kitty

beastkeeper:
I wish I could give you the answer, but I'm having to re-evaluate as well.  What a difference a day makes.  Yest. I was full of how I manage info, then today, 1 phone call changes everything.  My mom is a nurse.  SHe calls from the hosp., but no big deal she works there.  She wanted me to go see about my dad who had just called her and was waiting beside his vehicle for the law because "he's not sure, he thinks he blacked out, but the car has smashed into a tree and I want to make sure he's ok."  I freaked.  This man is every superhero rolled into one.  He doesn't just have accidents.  Anyway, H hasn't been speaking - he did inform me today that I needed to check caller ID 'cause it rang and woke him up.  At 12:30 p.m.  After he slept all nit and got up at 9 a.m.  Poor baby.  An hour later, my mom calls, I tell him something has happened ot dad, I need your vehicle.  Long sigh, "fine."  Got my mom (dad had taken her car from the hosp.) went to the site - front end totally smashed, airbags deployed car parts shattered everywhere and a huge tree with an incredible amount of bark gone.  Made sure dad was okay, got the family calmed down, needed to take dad to finish his errands, but couldn't go in H truck "cause I didn't ask ahead of time".  Took his truck back, informed him our D was coming to get me so I could take the car and see about my dad.  He never asked a word.  I grabbed a few things, told him I left money for the gas I used, as soon as she got here I'd be gone awhile.   He never called.  Ended up in the ER , 'cause the hero has boo-boos - dislocated shoulder, fluid building up on knees, major abrasions from the airbags and generally shook up.  I get home 6-7 hours after I left.  NOthing.  Returned a call and told the friend what happened, loud enough for him to hear.  Nothing.  He finally walks by me to announce, "guess I'll go get something to eat."  That's it.  No concern for me, family, anyone.  This is after our D wrecked in January and when he took me to her, He smarted off about her driving, then said, "looks like the boyfriend is pulling up, I guess I can go."  Then drove away and left me standing on the side of the road with a broken car and broken baby (she's 19, but still).  I got over that.  Learned all about the Pd's the past months.  I have to admit I am NOT committed to working on it today.  Thanks for the vent time.

beastkeeper:
Kitty, I pretty much hijacked your topic, and I apologize.  I should've started another.  I am so sorry.

Varja:

--- Quote from: kitty on July 30, 2012, 01:52:26 PM ---I just can't stand one more order from the doc that can't keep a job. I can't stand being married to him. I can't stand listening to him justify why he is again going to be unemployed (or maybe not if he gets the other temp job he has applied for). I just can't stand even listening to him about anything.

But I can't leave until my work situation changes for the better.
--- End quote ---

Dear Kitty, I only wish I had the answer you're seeking. You're an incredibly bright person, and have already stated - more than once, what your best path forward looks like. The daily challenges do change, and it's important to remember that you're working towards a means to an end.

I quoted your thoughts above to perhaps illustrate what a small - and restrictive corner you've painted yourself into. I have some sense this may be how you're viewing your situation, so no wonder it's exceedingly difficult. To re-phrase it:

I can't cope with my husband any longer, and I can't leave until I find a job.

Where's the space needed for a solution?

I think its found within self-compassion.

Try this construct on for size:

I can cope with my husband's behaviors as long as is necessary, until I manage to find a job.

Do you not see an infinite amount of space wherein you can achieve a workable solution?

In addition to the NAMI support group you mentioned in your other thread, perhaps you could also check out Codependent support groups. I've heard they offer wonderful support for people in relationships with PD's.

Varja:
Beastkeeper ...

I'm so sorry you're being treated like this. I agree that you should begin your own thread, too.

Hang in there, and take care of yourself FIRST!

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