I'm sorry if my words hurt you, know that's not what I wanted to do. I knew someone on message boards years ago who would do that – quote earlier posts to bring awareness of what we think at that moment in time as opposed to statements made in the past. It was never meant to hurt, but rather to point out confusion or inconsistencies. I always saw it as her helping bring clarity, and she did it for me more than once. Having followed what I’ve been able of your story so far, it was somewhat easier for me to put those pieces together.
I believe we’re all – even/especially the disordered – creatures of habit. Certain events trigger particular responses within all of us. Were you to keep a diary of sorts, I would imagine over time you’d see a pattern. My mother is presumed histrionic/borderline – I can damned near guarantee performances (what you call flareups) in and around particular dates and it’s sickeningly accurate, really. I can just about clock her by the calendar/holidays/special events. Throw in what most of us see as normal life events and she’s in a tailspin averaging about every six weeks or so. It accelerates drastically and painfully from about mid-October til the end of the year then I spend a few months trying to recover before the cycle starts again.
While I’m better at managing my own responses now, I won’t even try to lie and say it doesn’t affect me. I’m 50 years old and that woman can still bring the little girl out of me with a word, a tone of voice, a glance – and I’m not talking about the happy child. I wasn’t one, for the most part. I struggled and was just grateful to have survived her home. When the opportunity arose, I was OUT of there, but the damage is still within me.
What I’m saying is there’s a certain predictability in even the most unstable patterns. I’ve always said mother’s one consistency was the sheer inconsistency of her reactions, whether in word or deed. Those quiet peaceful times make us yearn for more, but we’re inevitably thrown back into tailspins when it turns the other way because we’re so grateful for the good times.
We do what we do because that’s who we are – ALL of us. We don’t do better until we learn better, and it’s a process every day. It’s a CHOICE we all make every day, however much we may want to deny it sometimes. The choices we make do become habits and habits show who we are inside.
