Coping with Personality Disorders > Chosen Relationships

Still blaming myself..

(1/2) > >>

Patricio:
So here I sit at 4:30 in the morning, can't sleep. Had a bad day mentally. Woke up and just knew it was going to be one of those days. Since exiting all this mess and basically turning my emotional health upside down I find myself still suffering from wild mood swings. I find myself looking for more answers yet I have so many already. At the core of it I find myself still looking for closure then become frustrated that it will never happen. I still carry guilt for how I ended this relationship. I still am enmeshed with her even though I haven't spoken a word to her in over 4 months. When the relationship ended we were long distance, I had had my lightbulb moment and decided that the only thing I could do was just cut all contact. I knew it would be the hardest thing I had ever done, and I was right. I had withdrawals and emotional fallout that I can't even explain. Any form of social media was immediately erased and I ignored phone calls for 2 months until they stopped.  But I still find myself wondering what happened when they stopped? And despite having so many people tell me "why the hell does it even matter?", all I can do is stare a them like a deer in the headlights.

All I can think of is that I simply had zero closure. My life was turned upside down and the only fucking thing I could do was walk away as if nothing ever happened. To everyone else in my life they assume it's a "normal breakup", whatever the fuck that is. I continue to fight with bouts of rage, depression, self loathing and a overall lack of joy in my life. I walk around still with all the knowledge and tools at my fingertips but yet still feel absolutely empty inside. I still blame myself for how it ended. Worst of all I am still living in the past. I can only speculate what she is doing now, but why the hell do I even do that? I have a great amount of self loathing at this point, more than when I began the relationship. Come to find out I had been trained my entire life by my parents to do this and now that I have come to another X road, I wonder why can't I just fill the void myself? Why do I continue to not only blame myself, but even blame anyone at all? Why do I continue to obsess about things that are no longer here?

I have found that information does not equal answers. I have read obsessively for months. Trying to "educate" myself to a healthy state of mind. But that is not how it works I guess. Maybe I am just not being patient enough. A lifetime of abuse does not fix itself in months. But in the meantime I am becoming exhausted of continually fighting my "Inner Voice". I would almost say that before all this mess, ignorance was bliss, but that ignorance was what led me to the disaster I just exited and that I am still paying for emotionally. So it's a catch 22. Don't know if relief will ever come, but I guess I have no other option than wait and see....

Frankie:
What can I say to your post....

I have read that the spirit - you know if you believe in the soul or spirit or divine mind or whatever you call it - anyway that divine spark inside of us there is a part of us that does not know the difference in the past, the present, and the future.  There is no sense of 'time'.

If that is true then what we focus our minds and hearts on in the here and now is HERE AND NOW.  So what I have learned to do is - go visit the past... you know the bad stuff so I can process it.

Imagine the future - not by what ifffing it or worrying about it, but just dreaming about what I want it to look like for me and praying that someone else has a glorious future too.

But I live in the HERE AND NOW.  As much as possible, like a dog... eat, sleep, play, laugh, cry, work.... whatever - but I focus on what is right in front of me.

Anyway - it seems to help.

Frankie:
Oh BTW - I was raised to blame myself too... you know shamed all my life, not good enough.... less than whole.... always my fault.

Throw that away/ get that garbage out of your head.  It's useless and demoralizing.

Darwinshadow:
That is a nail on the head post for you!

I wonder about such things! I settled of how we have been brain trained. How to think in certain ways. Now this gets messy very quickly so I'll try and keep it concise just to get the point across.

You know if you were born in Iran or someplace like it you would now think you had to pray to Mecca 5 times a day and the rest of the world is nuts or evil. You know this! This tells you exactly how deep brain training goes!

Back to your formative years! Some of what your brain was trained to moralise about maybe was linked to these everlasting love type emotions we see religions talk about as if its real science, plus the dress code or building fabric depending on the local fashions the world over. The brain is taught that these emotions are the real deal - especially where god is in the mix. You grow up with this sense your feelings will be around with your family even after death.

Little wonder then that if you leave a relationship that same love bond style emotion begins to feel it betrayed that brain taught emotion you have inside of you. What a ballacher! Having not only to decide what you think is real but also having to rewire how you think you are supposed to feel! This is sorta in the cognitive dissonance league - which anyone - no matter what religion or ways of thinking and feeling they picked up growing up - will have to fit to whatever comes along and goes in this life we are in.

A you can't feel responsible for if they hurt over you when you know inside it weakens you /or you both, beyond recovery. This is another strand of what I'm talking about - like I said it can get messy to go into. It's perhaps tied in some ways to your early learned dynamics about staying around people you care about for life and if religion were in your household: beyond .Checking out another world view can help us see how likely it is that what we were told to feel  is real science so applies to everyone and so is a world truism.

I think this is part of what our feelings get heavy on - the idea a true love is for life and beyond so when the feelings don't achieve this it feels like a two wedged sword and our mind was never trained to process this tragic short lived style love. However some were and so seem to not have so much trouble moving on or even having more than their fair share as another world view might surprise you about: http://articles.cnn.com/2010-10-07/world/kenya.polygamist.100.wives_1_polygamist-wives-state-media?_s=PM:WORLD

And in some parts there are still women who have three husbands which kinda is tough to train your brain and emotions to digest.

But all this shows is we probably have been taught to self guilt trip or some such negatives - rather than to take it in our stride.

practicingacceptance:
patricio,
i know exactly (it think) this feeling and situation. i was also in a holding pattern for months after i split with my PD. i still feel guilt, still confused. it is our emotionally state that needs to get calm. talking to someone for me helped. writing and reading this post helped. time to reflect on myself helped.

what frankie says about the HERE AND NOW is very true. i held on tight to the past (33 years w my PD) even though it was awful. habit? but letting go of the pain of the past, looking at the what the future can mean for you, what YOU truely want and need will get you through this. don't let go of you. staying in the present has been my focus just to stay sane and not let my emotions go rampant. i also have learned what triggers my instability. it really is about discovering yourself. and to trust in a higher power to take care of all bases.

hope that helps. thank you, frankie, for your insight.

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page