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Author Topic: Scape Goating!  (Read 749 times)

beastkeeper

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Re: Scape Goating!
« Reply #15 on: July 29, 2012, 06:14:43 PM »
Girl, now I'm laughing!  And the house AC is okay right now, but I thought of you last week.  You will appreciate this.  He's driving us a fairly long distance, and I notice he lets the ac run awhile, then shuts it off, run awhile, then off, etc.  I moved the vent and he shut it off.  I thought he did that in response to me moving the vent, but he said , "no, I'm trying to get the MPG up to XX."  There is some digital thing that calculates MPG as you drive.  So.  I asked.  And got a very detailed explanation of engine mechanics and how gas mileage can be affected by the air compressor running.  I don't know if it's true or not, and don't really care, at least his mind was occupied and this poor window unit here caught a break!  Oh, did you know that if your vehicle comes up to the white line at a red light as the first car, if you hit it just right, you can magically make the light turn green faster?  He says there are "sensors" in the painted white lines and if your vehicle tires hit just right you can trip them.  Road trips are a blast! I asked a cop friend, and a dept. of trans. person about it who BOTH looked at me as if I had lost it.  When I relayed that to H, he said, "well, they're not going to admit it, THEY don't want everyone to know!  Funny, he's not nearly  as protective of the heater! 

maybetoolate

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Re: Scape Goating!
« Reply #16 on: July 29, 2012, 06:16:41 PM »
This may be an odd question, but, does the mean behavior rise with the level of fatigue?  Whenever my H takes a nap in the middle of the day, he wakes up loaded for bear.  Been like this the last 2 sundays.  He takes a nap because he's tired, wakes up angry.  This morning, before I made a big breakfast, he said he wanted to order Mexican food.  I said ok.  But after the breakfast, I'm still not hungry.  I know he's not either, but he insists on eating just because that's what you're supposed to do.  I said he can order for him and the kids, I'm not hungry ... he blew a gasket.  Golly gee, so sorry that I don't like to feed myself unless I'm hungry.  But I guess that makes me a horrible person.  So now he's getting McDonalds for the kids ... and not him.  I told him that I could easily make something to feed the kids, but no ... I wonder if he thinks he's punishing me.

His episodes seem to revolve around food and sleeping ... God I wish he would go to a therapist so they could get to the bottom of this irrational BS.


EmptyInsideUK

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Re: Scape Goating!
« Reply #17 on: July 29, 2012, 06:33:11 PM »
This may be an odd question, but, does the mean behavior rise with the level of fatigue? 

maybetoolate, this is a very good question and I think you are onto something here. 

My h had a head injury 6 years ago and that seems to have made his NPD/AsPD far worse than it used to be, in terms of the anger and rages.  As a result of the head trauma, he gets cycles of headaches - headache lasts for about 6 days, then he is clear for about a month to 6 weeks, then it starts again.  I have noticed that when the headaches start, by about day 3 or 4 when his frustration levels rise as the normal painkillers have little or no effect, he starts baiting me and pushing my buttons.  Keeps asking me if I am ok (I am fine, he is just trying to change my frame of mind) until I yell out at him that I am fine, and he then says "see, I knew you weren't fine, you are emotionally unbalanced"

 :stars:

So yes, I would imagine fatigue has a lot to do with it, whether it is physical or mental fatigue that is involved. 

maybetoolate

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Re: Scape Goating!
« Reply #18 on: July 29, 2012, 08:11:51 PM »
He's also jacked up in the mornings.  He doesn't sleep well to begin with, so he wakes up ticked off.  I never say the first word in the morning. 
 
I wonder if the controlling stuff comes from the fact that he's mad that he feels,he has no control over his sleep?  I'm not making excuses because I know if I tell him this,it will just make him more angry because ... Well ... EVERYTHING IS MY FAULT!!!!! :stars: :aaauuugh:

kitty

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Re: Scape Goating!
« Reply #19 on: July 30, 2012, 07:41:19 AM »
maybetoolate,

My H has a very reactive personality. He tells me that he has had this problem since his early teens. He gets upset much quicker because its like he is in high gear all the time. Even when he is sleeping his body continues to move slightly continuously through the night. Obviously I have stopped sleeping with him because of the constant movement (among all the other problems with his sleeping patterns). I once stayed up and counted the intervals of rest and movement and I found that he had 22 seconds between slight twitches/movements with parts of his body.

When the H drinks, even with the first drink I notice that his body begins to agitate. Leg bouncing, body twitching. And in the morning he is also loaded for bear...probably because he does not get a restful sleep and has a hangover.

I have read that it could be a hyper-disregulation of their emotions (read Traits on this forum in the Tool Box).

About the sleeping thing in the afternoon even I can wake out of an afternoon nap and feel grumpy. Now, that doesn't mean that I go around biting everybody's head off just because I am grumpy. I suppose that is the difference. I know that biting people's heads off is not acceptable behavior and even though I don't feel well I refrain from the behavior.

Now, the H doesn't appear to care if he bites my head off. When he feels bad he just lets it rip. How much of this is a "don't care attitude' or is he incapable of controlling his emotions...well if that be the case then he is certifiably insane.

Point being is I believe at least with my H is that he does have a highly reactive personality based upon a very hyper brain functioning. The issue becomes can he control it and chooses not too. Hence the blame on everyone else (so he doesn't have to do the work to change this damaging behavior). Plus I think the blaming is a knee jerk reaction to not wanting to deal with the fact that he has done something that was not acceptable and he knows it.

So those are my thoughts.

My big thing here is me learning to just walk away, hang up the phone, keep my mouth shut and go about my business until he settles down...which he invariably will do...and then we can have a discussion about (what). There are things that he just will not talk about without getting into an extreme hyper state, with the screaming, name calling etc. I have chosen not to engage these subjects because, well, there is no point. It goes no where but down in the hole. And that is his problem not mine.

Now keeping to that mix of self preservation and not taking the blame internally is really hard to do on a regular basis. I have my issues too and my buttons that he pushes till I explode. So it is a work in progress.

Is the marriage safe from this abuse. No. I look on him as someone that I am with because of circumstances and if and when those circumstances change I will leave. The marriage is dead. And he killed it. The sad part about this is that he has no idea the marriage is dead.

Do I love him still. Sure. The 10% that is left of him, the rest being his illness/attitude.

kitty

MakingChanges

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Re: Scape Goating!
« Reply #20 on: July 30, 2012, 12:06:25 PM »
So Kitty, you had a bad attitude because you just moved your entire household all by yourself??? !!!

And what happened to the Alaska job??
"Your life is a result of the choices you make... if you don't like your life, it's time to make better choices".

kitty

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Re: Scape Goating!
« Reply #21 on: July 31, 2012, 07:40:22 AM »
Making Changes,

My attitutde is in the toilet right now.

The sexual harrassment thing has reared its head yet again. This is 3 x that I know of in the history of our marriage that there were "rumors" of inappropriate behavior from my H in a work setting.

I am more upset with the harrassment issues than the work issue. Go figure. And I just can't understand why he even tells me about these things unless in his twisted mind he is doing damage control and getting to me before anything else happens to spin whatever pitch he wants to give me for his alledged innocense.

This is just making me more and more angry.

kitty

MakingChanges

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Re: Scape Goating!
« Reply #22 on: July 31, 2012, 08:52:16 AM »
You need to get to the bottom of his stories and make some decisions.  And he needs to stop his embarrassing behavior or cut him loose.
"Your life is a result of the choices you make... if you don't like your life, it's time to make better choices".

kitty

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Re: Scape Goating!
« Reply #23 on: July 31, 2012, 09:44:00 AM »
easier said than done what with my lack of work situation. But I am working on me, not him. So life should start ramping up for me.

I am selling off 50% of my stock positions because I believe I have made about what I can out of these particular stocks. I am of the opinion if one can make money in the market, great. But I don't want all my assets in the market. I am planning on using this money to purchase a condo for cash when the time is right. A better use of the cash than letting is dip swirl and plunge as Mr. Market has been doing for quite some time now.

So I am putting into motion a change in my monetary situation and I am sure the universe will respond. In time.

kitty

MakingChanges

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Re: Scape Goating!
« Reply #24 on: July 31, 2012, 09:48:21 AM »
Hand them the cereal box and milk.  Jerks.
"Your life is a result of the choices you make... if you don't like your life, it's time to make better choices".

maybetoolate

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Re: Scape Goating!
« Reply #25 on: August 10, 2012, 05:36:04 PM »
Oh my gosh!!!!  It's off the chain now.  We have a big dog .. a big one year old dog and I turned my back on him for a minute and he dug up about a 10 inch diameter circle of grass.  I told him and he hasn't spoken to me in 2 days!

kitty

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Re: Scape Goating!
« Reply #26 on: August 10, 2012, 09:00:54 PM »
You mean your dog or your H.

kitty

maybetoolate

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Re: Scape Goating!
« Reply #27 on: August 11, 2012, 06:56:52 AM »
That's funny ... My H ... :cool2:

freshroasted

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Re: Scape Goating!
« Reply #28 on: August 11, 2012, 09:14:36 PM »
I think this is the best thread I have ever read. The story about the bull, how great.  :applause:
The only moment is now.