Scape Goating!

[kitty]

My H called me today while I am putting the finishing touches on a really hard and vile move to the big city. I know I will be very proud of my oraganization and work that I have put into doing this move as professionally as possible.

Of course, I am past tired...I am one whipped puppy.

I had finished up my conversation with the H...I had hardly talked to him all week...only talked to him for a minute while he was at work yesterday just to see how he was doing.

He actually said that I have to work on my attitude (how I talked to him yesterday) huh?

And that today he told me that he will not be my Scape Goat.

I couldn't help it. I started laughing so hard, I told him. don't worry honey, you will never be MY scape goat.

WHERE DOES HE GET THESE THINGS! jeez.

kitty

[Oneness]

Sounds like classic projection to me! Aren't PDs great for that? I am the scapegoat in my family, the red headed step - child, the one my UnNPD mom loves to point fingers at and blame for things. She never listens, she is always right, and her life's work is to rule her family and make them fit her own warped reality! 

I hope the day comes soon when your H will realize what he had, and what he lost when you leave him. It is just infuriating sometimes when we have their crazy making intruding in our lives and making us  .

Ah, to have a peaceful life free of this insanity! Some day I hope that you and I can raise our virtual champagne glasses to toast our freedom from these alien/PD people!

[Holly]

   Let me know when!

I am for that, in the meantime,  I will meditate for peace!   A challenge, but worth doing for all human problems and issues.

[EmptyInsideUK]

I am so glad you can laugh at it, kitty   That's the best way to deal with it ... because it is so painfully funny, as long as you can get past the pain first.

My h has been doing the same kind of thing today ... I have been away from home for 2 and a half weeks (shift patterns meant I stayed up where I am working away from home, and last weekend h came to see me so we could "celebrate" our anniversary - that will be saved for a thread of its own!).  I came home Saturday mid-morning to find a kitchen that was a biohazard zone, no dog food in the house, the brush from the brush and pan set was gone (he had used it to clean the wheels of his car and ruined the brush, not bothered to replace it), the kitchen utensils were being used for scooping washing powder into the machine and were still in the soap box, the upstairs loo full of man pee and he had opened some of my mail too.  I was fuming mad, because it means I will have to spend the weekend cleaning the house just so that I dont pick up some bloody illness off the filth, and so that things get put back where they belong.  He picked up on my foul mood (doh!) and started goading me, I flipped my lid ... and then he tells me that its all my fault for being emotionally unstable, and that he has done nothing wrong. 

Apparently, I should be looking at him and the things he "does" with love and appreciation, and then all the bad things will just miraculously disappear and become irrelevant. 

So all our problems come down to me ... I dont appreciate his maturity and life skills, don't follow his lead when he knows better, I make big issues out of little details (like the brush) and apparently I want an adversarial relationship with him (his actual words).

Right, so now we know exactly whats wrong.  It has nothing to do with his uN/AsPD at all ... its all MY fault.

Thinking I should change my username to ScapeGoatUK 

[beastkeeper]

I hope I'm not out of line but I'm laughing my head off right now!  Must be the right moon-phase or something!  Empty, there was an episode of a show called "Everybody Loves Raymond" and the H decides to get his wife meds for her PMS.  She goes ballistic and asked how was her taking these magic pills gonna make his dirty pants get into the hamper?   Soooo true for these men of ours!  Kitty, last nite, I decided to sit with him while he moped in the dark in front of the tv.  I asked to turn on lamps (heaven forbid  I do so w/out permission) so I could sew while I watched with him.  I commented, I don't know why you want to sit here in the dark anyway, it's so gloomy.  After I wandered on to something else, he decides to go to bed (8:30 p.m.) and as he's turning off lights, tv, etc., informs me he doesn't like my "attitude" in trying to "control what lights are on and when".  I just stared at him.   It was all I could do not to laugh.  I finally told him I guess I could try to work on that, but I would probably get more done with the lights on.  He (thankfully) walked on off so he missed seeing me laughing to myself and shaking my head.  I guess I'm with you, Empty, we are just going to have to do better since we are the reason for it all!  Holly, you must throw in some peaceful vibes for the rest of us!  I swear it seems he's just grasping for things to be pissy about.  These boundaries are working or he's (maybe?) wandering around more confused than me!

[kitty]

Beastkeeper,

Well, you gave me my morning chuckle along with you Scape Goat in the UK!

My H when we first married the second time would not allow me to use a night light. really! A nite light. I let it go because I thought he was just in a frugal mood....now.....I turn the bloody thing on all the time.

Oh, and what was even better is I got my night lite after all. He had purchased this little tea light that I had put in the hall in case we needed light instead of turning on the huge overhead chandeleir ( which he does with regularity)....well this little lite is motion centered so every time the cat got around the light to play in the hall...WALLA....the light goes on and stays on ALL night.

So I got my nite light. And he never knew.

BBBBBBBHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! In hysteria now!

kitty

[maybetoolate]

Wait .. you mean ...

I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE???

Oh my gosh you guys ... the scape goating!!!!!!  Why must someone or something always be the reason for something?  My H will blame everyone, everything but himself.  It's NEVER him!!!! 

Yesterday, he was feverishly trying to get the grill going .. but his grill brush broke and needed a new head.  I can see the steam rising ... everything was my fault ... my fault because I didn't have a screwdriver right there and now.  My fault because the screwdriver wasn't magnetic.  Oy vey!!!!  After awhile, it's comical isn't it?

Thank you all.

[kitty]

Ladies and Gentlemen of this support group/forum I propose that the next time we FEEL like laughing at their absurb behavior....well, just rip your head off in glee!

Laugh until your sides split, the froth coming out of your nose and do a really big fart so that he knows you really are so entertained that you could not EVEN hold your bowels!

And when he looks at you as if "its true, what I have been telling her/him all these years that she/he really is the CAUSE of all OUR problems.

Well, when in Rome. Really, how many times did we suck it up because their behavior was so off the charts in those little crazy ways that bodes no description! Just laugh, laugh, and laugh and laugh.

By God, I am going to stop taking the bugger so bloody seriously.
 
I mean really!

Yeaoooow Yeaoooow Yeaoooooooooowwwaaaawwwwwwwaaaaa - claws extended now -

kitty

What F@ck'n BullSh@t

[Siera]

Oh I had to chuckle at the scape goat comment. 

It reminds me of why I decided to call a therapist. 
We have a small 'hobby' farm.  Without going into more detail, let us just say that one afternoon while H took one of his very long afternoon naps [COPD, PTSD, Depression...and so forth]...I took my little Jack Russell for a lengthy hike in the woods picking wild berries.
Dog and I had a marvelous time.

We returned triumphantly with  nearly 1 1/2 quarts of wild black berries and walked into a Fury.
The little Red Bull [he's a Dexter which means very small] had escaped his pen while I was out and apparently H had been awakened by his hound dogs barking.  He came out and tried to lasso and chase the little Red Bull around and around the yard.  The dogs barked harder, H got madder, the little Red Bull trotted about happily!

When I appeared he started screaming obscenities at me.  Telling me that I had a NO good dog [that really hurts!] and that HE had to do everything around the farm.  [Oh gosh, I thought,...I guess I don't do most of the chores when I have the day off????].
Well it got into a rage, the rage built, he threw out hurtful, awful words.  He didn't love me any more, he was my Sugar Daddy, I was taking advantage of him...and so forth.

I sort of stared at him like he had two heads, then mentally shut down all emotion.  I walked over to the bull pen and opened it, while throwing some nice feed into the lot.  Little Red Bull walked calmly into his lot and I shut the gate, walked into the house and called the counseling service I'd been scoping out.

I related the story to the therapist.  He asked me, *Well, would it have been your fault if you'd been at work?*
H needed someone to take his anger and frustration out.
Good point.

I was the Scape Goat to Irrational Thinking.  This is my mantra.   

[EmptyInsideUK]

As an addendum to my story about everything being my fault and me not appreciating all the narcissistically wonderful things he does, he finally came up with a reason why the kitchen was a complete tip:

It was all MY fault because I came home an hour earlier than he was expecting me.

I sent him a text message at 7.15am, saying I was on my way home ... he knows the drive takes 2h45, so I would be home by 10am.  He only READ the text at 8.15am when he woke up, and then added the 2h45 ... expected me home at 11.  So that last hour was apparently going to be cleaning up time, according to him.

How totally inconsiderate of me for being an hour early.  All that anger, rage and generally PD behaviour would have been avoided if I had waited til his Lordship woke up before sending the text and driving 145 miles to come home.  My bad.
 

[corky]

As an addendum to my story about everything being my fault and me not appreciating all the narcissistically wonderful things he does, he finally came up with a reason why the kitchen was a complete tip:

It was all MY fault because I came home an hour earlier than he was expecting me.

I sent him a text message at 7.15am, saying I was on my way home ... he knows the drive takes 2h45, so I would be home by 10am.  He only READ the text at 8.15am when he woke up, and then added the 2h45 ... expected me home at 11.  So that last hour was apparently going to be cleaning up time, according to him.

How totally inconsiderate of me for being an hour early.  All that anger, rage and generally PD behaviour would have been avoided if I had waited til his Lordship woke up before sending the text and driving 145 miles to come home.  My bad.
 

I have had almost the exact scenario happen to me--the scapegoating part. My sin was texting to say "on my way" rather than calling. I asked what the hell is the difference--it's a blackberry so it all goes to the same place. My crime was not interpreting his "give me a heads up when you are on your way" to be a phone call instead of a text. I am the one who caused all the stress & fighting at dinner because I dared to show up at the exact time that I was supposed to all along (given by him) but used the wrong method of announcing my arrival at HIS chosen time. At first I said 'ok, no big deal...I'll just sit here & watch tv while you finish up your dinner that you are making for me'. His response was that I had already "ruined" everything. Mind you--this was a dinner he was supposed to making for me as a nice gesture since I had been cooking every night for months. Way to suck all the pleasure out of what should have been a nice gesture from him.

[EmptyInsideUK]

Way to suck all the pleasure out of what should have been a nice gesture from him.

Oh dear   Are our PD men all from the same gene pool???  This afternoon he says he is doing roast pork and it will be ready around 5pm ... he asks what time I am leaving for my work week away from home ... 6pm I answer.  So he asks me if I would like to join him for the roast dinner, and I answer that I would love to join him for the meal.

So he spends the entire afternoon tinkering with his car, then takes it out for a spin, finally getting home at 6pm.  He tries to shoo me out of the house, saying I will be late getting in etc ... so I make reference to the dinner I had been waiting for.  He gives me a bit of a blank look (I mean, how dare I ask him to stick to his offer of dinner when polishing his car is far more important!) and then says "oh, well its a bit late now, isn't it?"

Again, they know exactly what to do or say to take away every single nice thought we might have about their "kind" offers.

[kitty]

Since I do all the cooking in our house...the H doesn't know how to cook (and quite frankly I do not wish to ruin a perfectly good set of pots and pans having him try)

The next time your dear raging H's start telling you it is your fault that their offer of dinner is not on the table.

Send out for pizza. And don't forget the pizza coupons. And pic the pizza that you want.

BBBBBBBBBBBHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

kitty

You know, I am beginning to see how the "I will not be your scape goat" came into being. The H knew he was losing this job up in Alaska....and he thinks that he is being scape goated (by the universe).

Isn't it interesting that they go in a rage or start blaming etc. when they have done something wrong. I am going to use this the next time H goes off the edge. I will  need to look behind the rage to what he is hiding by raging. So what did he do so that he is trying to cover it up with a rage?

A great light bulb moment

Kitty

seems so simple now, it took 7 years to figure it out. Lord, give me strength.

[beastkeeper]

My H will complain and make snide comments in front of my family about how I never cook and if he wants to eat he has to go get something or grill it himself.  He also will announce to me that, "I guess I'll go find me something to eat" along with a loud sigh.  He seems to forget, that only has he made it very clear he doesn't LIKE my cooking, HE WILL NOT LET ME USE THE STOVE OR OVEN DURING THE SUMMER BECAUSE IT HEATS UP THE HOUSE!!!!!  I have gone so far as to put a meal in the crock-pot and plug it up outside.  He'll tell me, "I hope you're not doing all that for me.  I don't want that".  So I'll say, no, I was craving it, so I thought I'd fix it.  He'll eat it every time.  Lately, though, I've adopted a why bother attitude.  I eat salads, sandwiches and micro meals...no one is starving.  But oh, what a tangled web their minds must be.   

[kitty]

Oh Beastkeeper,

You gave me another morning chuckle!

I just can't believe that you actually hooked up a crock pot outside. Oh, you poor woman. You really finally went over the edge with that one. I can't believe you are still sane.

After that scenario of again "you can't do anything right to please me" I would have handed him a can of beans. Unopened.

Your H really is a pisser. Even if he is "sick" this kind of behavior, to me, is just plain nasty. In my book we can't let him off with this kind of behavior. He's being just plain mean. No sickness involved.

I am beginning to think that we must be careful to separate "bad" behavior and their "mental issues". There is just no excuse for such bloody mindedness.

Oh, how is the airconditioner doing? Had any complaints. Has it joined a union yet. Wanting overtime wages past 5:00pm.

BBBBBBBBBBHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

kitty