Coping with Personality Disorders > Committed to Working On It
How do u folks deal with this long term?
Firefly:
I'm a person who loves with my heart and soul. We've been married 20 years. I've learned to have a thicker skin and to not take things that my NPD husband says so much to heart so that I don't hurt as much. I know it is not my fault and that there is not much I can do to change him, but how do others who have been in a long term relationship with an NPD keep from losing themselves? It is not natural to me to keep my distance, but it is healthier not to allow myself to get hurt...for a while. Then I feel stronger and need a life partner, so I start trusting a little and allow myself to settle in again to ease the strain on myself, just to be hurt again. I'm so lonely for someone truly close, so eventually I allow relations again, telling myself it is ok to take out of it just the part that I need and not worry about the rest (so hard to make love when the feelings are not there) but then I feel like I have somehow lessened myself. What works for navigating with the least amount of pain?
Mirrorgirl:
In my experience, pain is sadly a part of it. Marriage requires two people to take responsibility for making it healthy and loving, and one person simply can't do the work of two.
I used to be very lonely and sad about this, but I have more or less accepted the truth about my relationship and have tried to shift my expectations to reflect this truth. These days, I'm trying to see the relationship as a vehicle for helping me to grow in holiness, rather than a place I go to seek happiness. It's a place where I can learn about offering forgiveness and mercy.
Is this healthy? I'm not really sure. I am learning to love myself, see myself as worthy, and approve of myself outside of my relationship with my H. I'm focusing my energy on healing and letting go of unrealistic dreams, and I am reframing how I view myself. I'm building new boundaries and learning what my true values are.
One of my deep spiritual beliefs is that my marriage is supposed to be helping me grow closer to God. Interestingly, the problems I have are definitely driving me in that direction. I really think that God intended marriage to be different (with shared love being the ingredient that leads us to Him), but perhaps this is just another route.
In any case, I am experiencing more peace these days. I'm sure some may characterize it as denial, but I think it is just the result of experiencing raw, painful truths and finding a way to reconcile them with my belief system.
kayjewel:
This is a hard thing to say -- and it's taken me a long, long time to fully understand and accept it -- but I'm not sure it's possible to have a truly close relationship with someone who has NPD. A truly close relationship requires two people who each have a good sense of themselves as individuals and who are capable of being authentic with another person. (And even then, relationships can be challenging, but at least you've got two people who are doing it in good faith. I question whether an NPD is capable of interacting in good faith.)
You ask how a non-NPD can avoid losing yourself; the thing is, the NPD person essentially lost themselves a long time ago, or at least they have the authentic part of themselves buried so deeply that it may never see the light of day. They don't (cannot?) see themselves for who they really are, and they cannot see you for who you are.
Non-PDs can twist themselves into pretzels trying to make it "work" and trying to get the NPD to see and respect them. Maybe this is a kind of denial we get into (easy to do if we were raised in PD/MI families ourselves), not really seeing what we're dealing with. Looking back on my relationships with PDs, I think that's the biggest place where I've "lost myself": my own denial. Losing oneself is an inside job. It has to do with our own self-awareness, and our willingness to be aware of and present to what is actually going on. And then, to have our actions be based on that awareness.
I almost cross-posted with Mirrorgirl - she said what I was going to say next: if we want to minimize pain, I think a big key is changing our expectations of the PD person and the relationship. Don't expect the NPD to be trustworthy, for instance. Don't expect to have true intimacy with them. Don't expect to have clear, non-defensive communication. Don't expect to be able to tell them your truth and your needs and have those respected. Don't expect an equal partner. And don't take actions based on those erroneous expectations. Don't become emotionally attached to those expectations being fulfilled. Sometimes they may be, but don't go into it expecting that to happen.
Reading back what I just wrote, it sounds kind of harsh, which is not the way I meant it. It's just, if you want to navigate challenging territory, what do you do first? You have to know where you are, which means taking a clear look at what's there, and then accepting that it is the way it is. In my experience, when I've done that, the "how" has a way of making itself known to me.
MoGlow:
--- Quote ---telling myself it is ok to take out of it just the part that I need and not worry about the rest
--- End quote ---
What's wrong with this outlook - why would it NOT be okay to do that for yourself? I can see where that is a way of detaching yourself from things over which you have no control, things that hurt you unnecessarily.
I'm not convinced that the hurtful things those with PDs say and do to us are intended in that way - frankly, I'm not convinced they stop to consider that their words and actions affect others at all. What I've seen/experienced are people who are so self-involved that everything is about them and them only, with little apparent recognition or remorse for anything that damages others.
With this thought in mind, let me share a little something I'm still trying to wrap my brain around: if someone is that self-involved, whatever they say/do cannot be against someone else - even those closest to them. Hard as it may be to realize and/or accept, it's not personal. When I finally started putting those particular pieces together, somehow it eased things for me. It looks personal and feels personal because of who it's coming from, but deep down inside it's really not about *us* at all. It's them and their demons and they are fighting those demons in the only way they know.
Does that help at all?
Firefly:
Hi MoGlow,
I've had similar thoughts..."he can't really help that he is wired this way...don't take it so personally" but where I get tripped up is the love issue. (should love EVER be an "issue"?) OK, so this is all about him and he doesn't mean to hurt us, well then, if it IS that much all about him, and he is so detached that he doesn't see/feel the pain he is causing, then is he capable of truly loving us? Can a person inflict pain on the closest people in their lives and still actually love them on the inside? Which then leads me to "Can I trust/rely on this man for the long term?" I just had a health scare that required surgery and I really wanted (but didn't go there) to have my sister as my emergency proxy as I am scared that if things were to go wrong, my NPD husband would take the route that was easiest or most beneficial to him in the short run, regardless of what was best for me. How do you deal with stuff like that?
Thank you for affirming that it is OK to take things for myself sometimes. Yes, your comments, and the others too, are helping. I've been at the verge of tears for days...hardest patch in a while...
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