Coping with Personality Disorders > Chosen Relationships

My introduction to AJ Mahari

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kitty:
Yes, Varja, I do have a plan and the plan is breaking my heart....but I am not only a survivor I tend to get up out of the gutter smell'in like a rose!

Oink Oink

kitty

beastkeeper:
Been thinking of you, Kitty.  Hope all goes well with your plan and I agree with option #3.  Sign first, then wait and see how it goes.  Don't give him something to react to.  If/when he starts, just start getting ready to leave - set the boundary, then follow thru.  Much easier said to you from my couch....;).   

Stillbreathing:
Hi Kitty

I am only a very newbie, but have dealt with a financially abusive man for 19 years (married for 17 of those) We have never had a joint account, after 5 houses, I finally have my name on 1 Title as a joint owner, and he regulary cuts off access to bank accounts (cancels credit cards) and refuses to pay my "allowance" for myself and two children (his) so maybe some of my strategies may work for you...(I'm not saying they are perfect, or even good for you emotionally - but they seem to do the trick and get the money back in my pocket so I can feed the kids). By the way, my H is a highly sucessful workaholic who earns a bucketload of money...he just hates sharing  :blush: we also live in a different country to him at the moment, so I have deal with overseas and local banks all the time.

As far as I am aware, he can transfer funds into any other bank account local or overseas he likes at any time, providing he has the right details ...ie a SWIFT number for overseas banks, a bank identity number for any other same country banks plus acct nos etc....no biggie.  So I would say that it is more of a doesnt want to situation, rather than a can't situation...so, onto the unhealthy advice:

My NH generally does the right thing when I appeal to his ego....he is THE MAN! I always gush about how excited I am to see him on his next trip, cant wait to spend time with him, need his advice on a few things and a few signatures of my own (as I wouldnt dream of doing ANYTHING without permission) from him, and although I realise he is incredibly busy would he have time to show me those pesky papers so I can just sign them and make it easy for him to get back to his important stuff.....yes, I am nauseated just typing it, but it has worked for me for years...and made me a top A1 enabler to his problems but it is also my plan for my and the kids escape fund.

I know this will probably send some posters off into a pink fit, but to me  it is a short term win towards a larger win goal - someone said before - secure the assets.....

I understand that you only have a short window of time before his crazy behaviour/rages/unreasonable demands/false accusations start when you get there....so I'd go full on setting it up on the phone before I arrived, try to get it done and then be prepared to get access to a laptop the night you leave and start transferring money then and there - preferably to a bank account he has no access to.

Sorry if I have offended anyone, but I have come to the point where self preservation is paramount...I hope you understand Kitty. I dont want to be manipulative, but sometimes you have to do what you have to do... :stars:

I

TOBATTTPD:
Hi Kitty and Still Breathing,
I must agree with Still Breathing and do what you need to do and you are not manipulating him, this is your money too, you are married and he is the one with the skewed view not you. I have been financially manipulated, I was told by a lawyer that my H was financially abusing me and is neglectful. I would go and treat this as a business transaction, if I were you, I would use the tools in another thread regarding detachment and bring some really nice books with you and go out and sight see if possible without him. When you feel down or worried, think to yourself, this person is missing something in his brain, I must replace what I must for my own safety and sanity.

This is my new mantra, my H is missing something, it is his problem, he is unwilling to change his behavior and thought pattern. Your H is raging perhaps because certain tools he has used in the past are no longer working. If he starts up, if I were you and I have done this, I would state that this is unacceptable, we can agree to disagree. Can you afford to stay in a hotel, perhaps after the hospital meeting/event/bank go to a hotel and make sure you get one with a jacuzzi tub so you can relax?

Remember, he is missing something, it sucks.. but I know you can do this, I know it is hard, it is lonely and you feel all these emotions but you can do it!!

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