Coping with Personality Disorders > Chosen Relationships

My introduction to AJ Mahari

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kitty:
I spent the evening last night reading Full Circle - Lessons for Non Borderlines by Mahari

I am not a doctor so I cannot state whether my H is Borderline or not...but this e book was very instructive as to how one can become a Borderline and what then happens to their reality of the world and how they work themselves into the world. I am sad, really sad to say, regardless of what a diagnoses might mean....my H appears to be a pretty good example of what could be considered borderline/narcissistic.

I felt a definite aha moment when I read about the borderline's anger coming in part from as sense of entitlement, anger and scewed reality based upon early abandonment issues, in particular the rage and hurt from the FOO.

Yep that sounds just like my H. His entitlement issues and his rage (which he chooses to deny) at his father which plays its self out with his bosses and couple that with an inability to really connect to people. Well, this is an eye opening resource at least for me.

I am just getting to the the other e books and audios that I purchased but I will be studying how my rescuing/fix personality has done nothing to help the H and at worse has helped to continue his behavior. I also admit, as I did in an earlier post that I had "married my mother" a died in the wool BP/narcissist. Which Mahari touches on in this first e book as WHY I may have found myself in a relationship with a BP in the first place. It is going to take a while for me to go through all this information.

It certainly doesn't make me feel better yet. But what it does do is help me break free of trying trying trying to make him happy. Which from her premise is absolutely impossible for me to do. The H has to do the work. No one can do it for him. Kind of like an alcoholic. Their life has to become so painful that they can do nothing other than to ease the pain by changing their behavior (or slowly kill themselves with their behavior).

But, if/since this is true....what about me? I am financially and by contract (marriage) bound to this man. Leaving is not an option right at the minute and he does have that job that I have no idea when will it end, and given my age.....well, this is going to be a very slippery slope if I don't shore up my emotional state and financial situation.

I just can't turn my back on the strong possibility that the H will never get any better and I will leave him. Up the creek without a paddle. That is what I feel right now. Gotta get my mojo back.

I know I have found a resource (along with the forum) that is helping me deal with the reality of my situation that I got myself in. No, I am not going to blame him. No point.....just have to keep working toward a peaceful future. Where ever and what ever that will show its self to be. I must have faith. I must have faith that I can do this. I must I must I must.

kitty

Oneness:
I have faith in you! You are are a wonderful, intelligent, strong woman!

I would really like to read that book, having been raised by an NPD mother and been in a relationship with a BPD SO for 4 years. I still have so many issues to process. I too believe that my BPD SO has to do the work himself, and must resign myself to the fact that he didn't. He had a choice, do it and be with me or don't and be without me. I can't be his "everything," including his therapist! That is what he wanted me too be.

You are wise, and doing so much hard work yourself to deal with your H. I have no doubt that you will be okay and some day have a peaceful, happy life that you deserve!   ;D

kitty:
Oneness,

Thank you from the deepest part of my heart that someone out there believes in me and my resolve to be mentally at peace.
 Have you experienced this.

The more I read the more I understand what is really going on in my H's head. I was just reading about how a PD person is emotionally underdeveloped, cannot control their emotions, is in need of constant validation even when it is quite apparent that the PD wants validation of something that is self destructive.

Case in point, my H, whom I have already brought this behavior to the support forum when he decided to continue to want the jobs that did not hire him to give him information on alledged poor behavior at work that resulted in not getting hired for the job.

It has now escalated to the point that the H has told a governmental agency that chose not to hire him that they should have their lawyers contact him. The agency e mailed him back and told him in no uncertain terms that any more contact with him will be unresponded to.

I asked the H why he proceeds to take valuable time away from his new job where he has the chance to prove his worth by continuing to fight with these people that did not hire him. He blew a gasket when questioned.

Well, I do not have too much faith in myself right now. I just hurt. I posted about my shame in being an enabler. And that my need for security is the real reason why I stay. Really hard stuff to admit to. But. That is what living in the truth of your own pain.

Kitty

practicingacceptance:
kitty,
hang in there! you are facing very difficult realizations. give yourself time to absorb all the info. find your inner strength/personal power. focus on you. try to stay grounded and have a plan. be kind to yourself. breathe. grieve in small doses.
i cry daily and just release now. for a long time i stopped because i thought there must be something wrong with me. i know more now about myself. yes, i too, married my PD mother. i finally came to the conclusion nothing was going to change until i did. i know it is very very hard. but i sense you are a fighter.
~pa

Oneness:
Kitty,

Yes I have experienced this. I read "Get Me Out of Here," by Rachel Reiland, and was blown away. I suddenly could understand my SO, it all came clear. Before I went NC, we had a really good discussion about what I learned from that book. He finally felt understood him, and I understood he needed validation of his feelings. But he tried to make me be the one to "fix him." I refused. I used to be a codependent (people pleaser, fixer, caretaker and enabler). Two years of therapy helped me break that self destructive behavior. I understand your pain when you say you are an enabler - it devastated me as well.

You can build your security again - you don't need your h to be and feel that way. But in the end, you must make the hard choice. If you decide you will be happier without him, so be it - make your escape plan and don't look back. You still have so much to offer someone who truly loves, appreciates and deserves you. You are your H's caretaker, he needs you more than loves you. I still believe in you!

 :bighug:

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