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Was my ex girlfriend a narcissist? - My Story

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Steve247:
Hello everyone,

I want to share my story on a recently ended relationship I had with my ex girlfriend and would like to hear other peoples views on whether or not they think she may have a narcissistic personality disorder.

I met my GF just over two years ago in a local pub.  We were both in our 20's but i am about 7 years older than her.  We started seeing each other and the relationship moved extremely fast.  Sex was initiated straight away by her and was very frequent and explosive for the first 8-10 months.  She appeared to be the perfect girl for me, funny, charming, exciting and beautiful inside and out.  After about 3-4 weeks from the start of the relationship we were living in each others pockets.

However I have always had a nagging doubt in the back of my head about her personality for the start.  There were 2 or 3 occasions in the first 6 months of the relationship where she flew into a rage over the most trivial of matters, i.e. i was late coming to see her one night or I had said a joke that she took out of context.  There would be shouting, then crying, then sort of a make up and then the next morning it was like nothing ever happened.  I suggested to her one time that she did not take criticism very well and got on the defensive and had a go at me for suggesting such a thing.  Looking back these should have been warning for what was to come.

I put these incidents down to just a fiery personality to start with.  Her family life was also strange to me.  Her mother was going through her second divorce, she never got on with her step dad, there were often heated arguments amongst the family with alot of talking behind each others backs and playing one off another.  It all came to a head one day and my girlfriend had to quickly move out of the family home into a flat.

This is when things really started to go pear shaped.  At first she was happy to have her own flat but from day one it was "so when are you moving in then?".  I was in bit of a dilemma as my Dad had been recently diagnosed with a terminal illness and the short term future prospects were not good.  I was currently sharing a house with my brother and if i were to move out he would have to move back home which would have been very difficult as my Mom and Dad were under a great deal of stress and he required daily care.  I told her that I wanted to keep my house going to provide a bit of stability for my family during this difficult time.  I only live 2 minutes down the road anyway and we saw each other on a daily basis.

This never sat well with her and became a recurring thing to attack me with over the next 10 months until we split up.  Her behaviour to me really started to change.  She would start to belittler, call me names, insult me, run me down and criticise frequently.  It was quite often subtle and often in a joking fashion but I picked up on it.  I am quite a sensitive person and when the person I love is saying such things to me then it did upset me on occasions.  She would often do it in front of her family or in front of other people to discredit me I believe.  I always thought it was unjustified, I know I am a decent, honest, trustworthy bloke and would never criticise her to other people and would always defend her.  I also noticed how she was a different person around different people.  She would be charming and polite in social circles and then a completely different animal at home.  She seemed so unpredictable and I always felt I had to have my guard up, second guessing everything I said and did with the fear of upsetting her.

The mood swings and rages became more frequent, often about the me moving in saga other times about trivial matters.  The perfume I brought for Christmas was rubbish and i received a verbal attack.  I turned the radio down in her car and was told off and told I was going to be taken home if I didn't behave.  I would turn the TV over to watch the football only to be called every name under the sun.  I was told that I was a joke boyfriend amongst her friends and that if I did not do x, y, z then she would go elsewhere.  I would go round to see her in the evenings and was not sure which person I would get, the girlfriend that would hug me or threaten to punch me because I was so annoying.

By this time I was getting severely depressed about the whole situation felt detached from her.  I just ended up taking the insults and criticism without attempting to fight back because I was so tired of it all.  I no longer felt myself, just and empty shell of a man being used as an emotional punch bag.  Conversation was drying up unless it was about her.  Arguments were always spun back onto me to a point where I could never win and would end up apologising to calm her down, even though I had no reason to apologise.  When ever we arranged to meet my friends she would often start feeling unwell and I would have to excuse her absence.  She never wanted to go out or doing anything with me and I was constantly told that if I truly loved I would do this and that.  Nothing was ever seen from my point of view, neither were my feeling or what I wanted was ever taken into consideration.

I was so confused by this girl at this point.  Everything I did was wrong.  I no longer felt I knew how please her and was sick of tip toeing around her try to keep the peace.  She was no longer the ideal girl I had met the previous year, I no longer understood who she was or what she stood for.  As a result I felt that I could not fully trust her and did not want to put all my eggs in one basket with with the fear of getting burnt.  She enough the whole thing came to ahead and I was finally discarded one weekend.

At first she said that she just needed some space to sort herself out.  However I heard from a friend that she was seeing her ex-boyfriend straight after splitting from me.  This makes sense now because in the last 3-4 months of the relationship she was constantly texting someone and trying not very well to be discreet about it.  I did ask her who it was once and was told it was someone from work and that I should mind my own business.  Looking back it probably was her ex under a different name in her phone.  I never searched through her phone because I just am not like that, but you sense what's going on out of the corner of your eye.  The funny thing is that she never had a good word to say about him when she was with me but he is probably the best thing since sliced bread now.  Her contradictions always puzzled my and was just another reason for me to doubt her personality.

And that's about it.  We have not spoken since.  I have been wiped from her life and left to pick up the pieces.  The problem is I have been subjected to what I believe is alot of emotional abuse that was unjustified.  I have been left confused and depressed and my confidence and self esteem has been considerably knocked.  I am making small changes to to get my life back on track.  I exercise more regularly, throw myself into my work and try and spend as much time with my friends and family in this difficult time.  The problem is I am left scratching my head as to what it was all about and it is on my mind constantly, which is why I came to this board to write about my experience.  I still have feelings for her and long to see her again and thing to be how they were at the start.  However I am fully aware that this girl I clearly bad for me and that the right thing is to stay well away.

I came to learn of narcissistic personality disorder searching for answers to my questions.  I strongly suspect that I was involved in a relationship with someone with this disorder and being totally unaware.  I should have got out much early but kept it going thinking things may change.  I ask people out there what do you think?  Am I going mad or does this girl really have the problem?

I would appreciate any comments of similar experience or advice on how to deal with life after and get this vile person off my mind.

Thankyou

 

dontdoit:
Hello Steve,

your post is an interesting read. This sounds like what i have just written.

Its easy to label people with an illness, but to me it does sound like there is something very wrong. The things you say about her family is a indicator that she has problems, even more if she had a bad upbringing.

I want you to know I am going through exactly the same sort of thing as you.  If she is a Narc, sociopath, or bpd just remember that there is nothing you can do, whatever you do in these relationships you will always be to blame, Narcs need to feed and I am afriad to say what she did was drain you, when you were qoute - "An empty shell" she discarded you, Narcs can be very cleaver and very charming and intelligent and they will just move on and do this to the next person for there NS (Narc supply).

It is very hard to move on, but consider this, she isnt feeling anything remose, guilt or empathy towards you. She just sounds like the like the latest terminator model, that is just moving onto the next man! Sorry to say this, but this the blunt truth is she is a Narc. I know how bloody hard it is to move on as you feel so hurt.

Just be bloody glad that you didnt marry her.  :doh: you deserve better.

rosie:
We can't really diagnose anyone here, because many personality disorders and other problems are co-morbid, and can occur in an astonishing variety of forms. For example, my father was never diagnosed, but was a classic textbook narcissist case, although he also had some bipolar traits, and was self-medicating with alcohol.

What does seem obvious from your post is that her behavior is damaging and hurtful. At this point, it's important to focus your energies back on yourself. Up until now, she has been the center of your attention. Now it's time for your needs to become more important, and for you to start thinking about self-preservation. There is a lot of useful information in the Toolbox in the tags above. Welcome to OOTF!

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