Coping with Personality Disorders > Chosen Relationships

Social Isolation

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lookingfortools:
Having come a long way from home to be with my girlfriend - I have hit a serious crisis with social isolation that I allowed myself to be pulled into.

I have been in this new place for 1 year. I do not know one human being outside of the regulars whom one nods at while getting coffee in the morning - and my girlfriend and her sons.

She isolates herself (most times) and I unwittingly fell into that isolation AND isolation as result of her jealously and securities in general.

I was a outgoing social person back home - involved in community, sport, school. I had my friends, my family. I could meet new people and bring them home for christmas dinner (exaggeration but I was good with people).

I have been shut down through abuse and threats of ending the relationship and fear of her "not being able to do life" if I bring anyone new into life.

I fell SPLAT right into this.

I am writing today because I am paralyzed by it. I cannot move. I am anxious and stressed and profoundly lonely.

My girlfriend is going away with her son next week for 4 days. A holiday I cannot go on because I fell behind in work and money this past year trying to hang onto the "rope" that was handed to me with the intent to "save her life" (be her saviour) (Thank you Gary for the analogy). I am letting go of the rope one hand at a time - but today I find myself in a bad way. As she gets prepared to leave to go 8 hours or so away by car - I was feeling a bit of relief - until....she started to panic about what I was going to do while she is gone....I said I sure as hell am not going to sit one more day in isolation....it is killing me.

Now the pressure is on the give her exact details of how I will spend my time so she can have a productive happy vacation with her son - so she is not in panic mode while away worrying about what I am doing....

I said I have to spend time putting my life back together - bankruptcy and failing out of my long sought after university degree is not enough of a smack in the head....I NEED to rebuild the life I let go of the past 12 months 13 days....

She gets it...but not really - because she is wealthy on a very healthy allowance every month from her ex....with a vacation budget to cover the next three weeks on top of the regular allowance....

Her panic was so bad last evening that it prompted me to go NC until we had a scheduled meeting to talk about things this morning at 8 am....I could not deal with her panic and needed to breath so I scheduled the time to talk. After the talk I was still left with this weight that if I don't go with her the vacation for her son will be horrible or if I don't isolate and give her the exact details of how I plan my time - the vacation will be ruined....OR of course there is that option of leaving me....

Today I sit alone in my house....watching a beautiful summer day....paralyzed....I keep saying in half an hour I will cut the grass, or do work on trying to bring school back or do the laundry....but I cannot move....


LFT

Oneness:
 :bighug:

I sympathisize with your feeling of paralysis. Please don't let your gf guilt you, just breathe. It is wrong of her to put that kind of pressure and control on you! Her life is hers, she is not your responsibility - you have to let it go. I know how hard it is, it took me years with my unBPD SO to get to the point where I detached from his manipulation and emotional blackmail. Usually they are just creating drama, because that is all they know.

Get out, move around, go to the pub and chat with people. Don't feel bad about doing that, you are your own sanctioned being with your own needs, and those needs should not be shut down for the sake of your relationship. She wants to consume you, and that is destroying your beautiful spirit. You have sacrificed so much to be with her, it is only right that you rebuild yourself. She will survive, even if she acts like she won't. But you deserve so much more, and it is only fair and right that you have it!

Sending you strength, love, and positive energy. My thoughts are with you, and hope things get better for you.  :hug:

Lala1120:
LTF -

First, I want to say that I'm so sorry that you're experiencing this emotional paralysis. It's not pleasant, to say the least, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Unlike a physical injury, the emotional pain we feel doesn't necessarily go away when we want it to and we suffer when we feel unable to change the emotional discomfort that we feel.

Second, I don't know what trip your girlfriend is taking but she has sent you on a guilt trip! Welcome to Hell. Population: you and the rest of us on OOTF with PDs in our lives. The fact of the matter is, it doesn't matter what you do or don't do or what you report to your girlfriend, shit's going to hit the fan. Just expect it. You can try and emotionally contort yourself for your girlfriend that would give the performers on Circus de Soleil a run for their money - the fact of the matter is, it doesn't matter what you do, your girlfriend will always have a bone to pick with you because something's not right with HER. Not YOU. So you can accommodate her and isolate yourself in hopes that she will not be in "panic mode" while she's away but she's still going to panic and worry per her disclaimer.

You said that you need to rebuild your life. You can! I know you're stressed and feel lonely but just try and put one foot in front of the other. Force yourself to do things that are productive, that will help you towards your goals. Because no one is going to do it for you, especially your girlfriend who seems like she serves as your albatross. I firmly believe that doing things that are good for you (figuring out going to school, doing laundry, cutting grass) will reduce yourself. The biggest obstacle between you and doing those things is in your mind. Tell yourself that you'll at least attempt to do those things and if you end up not doing it, then you'll try again later. But more times than not, you'll continue on with what you're doing and won't want to stop until you accomplish your goals. Don't deplete yourself of the energy it takes to do those things merely by thinking of them. You've probably thought about doing them longer than it would take you to do them. JUST DO THEM. By all means, I'm saying this to be encouraging and because I have been there myself.

You're not alone, LFT. We here on OOTF are here for you. I'm alone watching TV on a Friday night, ruminating about my unhappy marriage to my estranged stbxBPD/unPPDh of four months, pissing and moaning (at least in my thoughts) about how I feel "no one is there" for me. You're NOT alone, you just gotta reach out. And you did, by posting this thread.  :hug:

lookingfortools:
Oneness and Lala,

Thank you for your words of support and encouragement....I have watched what seems to be the rest of the world enjoying summer....I was so outgoing and involved - the isolation is the worst...

Tomorrow is another new day - my girlfriend will be busy doing things in the morning to get ready to go away - I will take it one step and a time - to try to put that one foot in front of the other....I KNOW intellectually what I need to do....but as we all know here it is not that easy...and I get mad at myself because I am not a stupid person and often feel that way....

I am all very new at figuring this out....and I am not liking it one bit - I see the pragmatic mess my life became - I feel my broken heart and my broken spirit....I will try to change my internal conversation....but my God it is hard.

Thank you again...

hugs to you both...

LFT

reclaimingme:
My psychologist said that i worked out the intellectual side of what was going on before I could deal with the emotional and it can leave us in a form of paralysis.

It is your brain trying to give yourself some rest - I was paralysed the day my ex went into the clinic - here I was finally free for some days and I couldn't do anything.  So I went through the motions, doing small but necessary things, and then I did more and some more.

But I did stop and allow myself time to enjoy somethings that I didn't have time to or felt guilty doing when my ex was around.  Lying on the grass for 10 minutes with the sun on my face - or taking a new road home - just because I could and wasn't accountable to him.

Your partner wants you to account for your time so she thinks that you cannot live without her, and doesn't want you to find reality and normality outside.  Tell her something to keep her quiet and get her to go , then do what you want to do.

It's the start to building a new normal for you -

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