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reaching out for support

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practicingacceptance:
hello, i am so grateful to have found this forum. from what i have read from the other posts and the learning more about PD on this site, Out of the Fog, i have found peace and relief. thank you for that. just knowing i am not alone and that i am not the crazy one, it isn't my fault and that i can heal and find happiness again in this world is hopeful.
i have been separated from the love of my life (33 years) for 6 months now. i don't know how this happened, it was so fast, but it was something that should have occurred, i believe, much earlier. perhaps then it would be easier now. maybe not but i do think i have long term effects mentally from the abuse (C-PTSD). i discovered PD six years ago and was certain my ex had this problem. i thought it was BPD, now i think perhaps NPD, maybe a cluster of both or more. he wouldn't seek help, used his own "self-medication"- alcohol and drugs. i tried al-anon many years ago, learned about co-dependency and detaching. it has been a long struggle for us since the very beginning (we were in our early 20s when we met) yet i stayed because i truly loved this man with all his flaws. we grew up together but he never truly grew up. i really did believe i could help him get better. i am a "fixer". there were times when it seemed he did do better. we knew happiness for short periods between the hardships. we do have a beautiful daughter together who is now grown. raising her really was what gave us the strength and unity to work and stay together. i can see how hard our separation is on her. there is anger where there used to be love. we were never a normal family- a lot of moving, a lot of leaving him then allowing him back in, a lot of chaos, verbal abuse, sadness, instability and frustration. it really was a horrible way to raise a child. i have many regrets in this regard. i wouldn't wish this life on anyone. but i chose it and i "accepted it" fully, 2 years ago. it just was what it was and i am no longer young or resilient. i couldn't change it. i vowed to work on myself to get healthy/happy and let him try to do that for himself. i couldn't hold him up any more. of course, he couldn't and wouldn't help himself. perhaps i didn't understand how incapable he was. i wanted him so much to be normal, i closed my eyes to fact that he is ill. i had lost myself in his reality. he was very controlling and manipulative.
well, he met the woman he is with now at that same time, 2 years ago. i am sure he felt i abandoned him and did what he had to do. i never thought he would leave me. she wasn't the first cheat either. he is a pathological liar. he rages and he cries for mercy and forgiveness. he shows love and compassion, then shows cruelty and heartlessness. he manipulates, abuses and exploits. his reality is so distorted but so believable. he appears so charming and innocent. it is so very confusing and it WAS killing me.
one year ago, he raged while i was driving and grabbed and turned my steering wheel with a jolt and threw us of the road. our 33 year fantasy ended on that day. then i knew the abuse had escalated to physical and i was frightened for my life. six months later i finally summoned the courage and said "gigs up, you have to go now, today". it was then, that i had discovered more of his lies, his exploits, his betrayals.
at present, i find myself with much more loss than i could have ever expected or imagined. i have lost my job, my home, my community, my security, my dreams, half of my family AND the man i loved for most of my life. the man i still love but am afraid of. i almost lost hope. the past six months has been the worst of all. i am devastated. i thought i had learned from the countless other times he pulled the rug out from under me. this time, i thought i had a plan. my emotions, the hatred, the non-support i have been living in has givenme more pain. i am living in a hell hole (it was 100 degrees today with no air conditioning) with a family member who i believe also has a PD. i don't know what to do except "hang on". i pray i get a job and get get back on my feet so i can return home. my ex still lives there however and that worries me. i have moved so much in my life (not able to make lifelong friends) that i can't see starting over again somewhere new. i am so tired.
and i struggle, too, with guilt. that i abandoned him. his family who has known our struggles and his problems will no longer speak to me. our daughter is angry with us both. how did i allowed this to happen? i had a life (albeit, not perfect), and i was stubborn because i wanted it different. now i have none. i could have died for love. is this better now? i am not so sure. i know i am grieving so many losses. i take it day by day. i am depressed and then angry. i am searching for peace. sometimes i don't think i will ever heal and then the pain engulfs me. i can see nothing but darkness. i pray a lot.
one thing i do know is that i am a fighter. and i can forgive. i can still love. i want to reach out to you who knows this pain. i want healing. i am sorry for pain and suffering you are going through. be strong.
thanks for reading. peace.

Being the Water ...:
reaching back ...

Welcome to OOTF, practicingacceptance ! So glad you found us - and the lifeline that this forum has been to so many of us members ! Sharing our stories and reading others stories really does help - in face, I have come to believe that it is essential to healing.  We discover here that we are so very NOT ALONE !

And so, the first piece of encouragement I would offer is : YOU ARE NOT ALONE !!!! There are many many members who have walked the journey you are now walking - and who know your grief, your doubts, your struggles, your regrets and your pain INTIMATELY ! And many, many of us have spent YEARS 'fixing' our PD spouses, parents, children etc in the hopes that maybe, just maybe, if we try hard enough, it'll all be better. And many, many more have lost decades living in denial re: our PD's ability to change and the seriousness of their illness.

You say you are probably suffering from C-PTSD (it would be understandable, and given your story, may well be true), have your considered seeing a therapist ? I realize that economically that may not be a possibility right now, but a good T can truly help be the guiding light out of the sad place you are in now.

I am sorry that you find yourself where you are and that the separation seems to have been as much 'forced' as 'chosen', but sometimes, it takes something drastic to open our eyes to what is really going on.  We get desensitized to just how bad the abuse we are suffering is - and only something drastic wakes us up to reality.  Have you tried journalling ? Many of the members here have used this tool to remind themselves of what was really going on and just how bad the abuse really was during those times, like now, when the losses of leaving the relationship seem to outweigh the gains.  It also may help to read your story 'as if it were somebody else's'. For instance, read your story as if it was your daughter speaking.  Then the abuse would probably just leap off the page and would be obviously WRONG.  Its sad that we have gotten to a point where that same abuse directed towards ourselves doesn't seem so bad ... but it is so very, very common here.

Hang in there !!!! Practicing Acceptance is a very, very good name - accepting what has been as what is (as you mentionned) is essential to moving forward.  Welcome amongst us !

practicingacceptance:
Thank you for the welcome and positive feedback, Being the Water. I am so glad to be here and getting the support from those who truly can understand. That has been my frustration with everyone I try to talk to. They don't seem to get it. I have gotten angry over that, as well as the PD. I have always been a pretty laid back person, patient, quiet, a good listener, non-judgemental. I think when those people I know see my anger they are very confused and don't know how to help. So being able to vent and talk in a forum with others who "get it" and just listen and validate is a breath of life for me. I know how I have been acting and over-reacting to my situation. I have been wallowing in the anger and self-pity. It spirals us down further. I liken this experience to battling a monster and if not realizing defeat for what it is, you become the monster. So I am working on letting go, letting God, and focusing on goodness in this world. I am blessed to have family that cares, wonderful little grandnephews that show pure love and innocense. I love them so much, I want to be a good example.

I do journal, have been since a teenager. Stopped for awhile, funny, it seems I stopped right about the time I think I threw in the towel with fighting my PD spouse. Started up again last year after the car accident. When I looked back at the beginning writings when I first met my PD, the red flags were there. I asked myself, why does he lie to me and treat me so bad? What did I do? I was too young to see it. I also know that I grew up in a dysfunctional family (my grandmother was bipolar and mother, abusive to a degree, who suffered depression. Parents divorced when I was ten. I think I have attachment issues.

I am trying to go to a therapist through a government funded program. I did see an intern for a month at the beginning of the separation. She didn't address what I believe was PTSD. She did tell me that I was normal though. That helped. Because I feel as though my friends and family avoid me now, I get this idea they believe I am crazy. After all my PD is working, functioning the same, living in the same area, his friends & family believe him, pity him and blame me as he does- that I threw him out into the street. HE has been telling his family for years that I am depressed and there was something wrong with me. He wouldn't allow me to talk to them anymore either. He said they were HIS family and to leave them alone. He actually was planning to move out with his new woman, when I found this out, I said leave now. It is in the past. I don't need to relive it or try to understand it. Everything he ever did seemed suspect anyway. I stopped believing most of his words years prior to that event. I am just really, really hurt, that the man I loved and gave so much to (I know I enabled him to be more abusive), won't talk to me, won't admit any blame for the hurt he imposed. The night I found out about his evident betrayal with another woman, I asked him "Do you know how much you have hurt me?" His answer was "Do YOU know how much YOU have hurt me?" I couldn't even get him to see reality, to admit to what he did. So defeating.

I just feel like I wasted my entire life for this person and I am left in ashes while he is off with an older, wealthy divorcee, living on the weekends at a beach resort town (where she has a home), where we talked and dreamt of retiring to, together, someday. Talk about being burned! I feel so much hatred for this woman even though I know it was him, he targeted her, but she knew he was married. I think she seduced him, too. When I lost my job, he became more abusive because I have always been the stable support in the relationship. This woman is thinking she has found the love of her life and that she will fix him (just like me). It may take awhile for her to figure it out (maybe never) or perhaps she will give him all her money and then be stuck with him. But what I care the most about is that he won't try to get well as long as he has her to mother him. I don't want him back because I know even he if did he get better but he will never be what I thought he was or could be. Maybe I am holding out hope for us. I just really want to be able to see his progress for our daughter. I do still love him. Like I told him, though, I love myself more and won't be abused ever again. This has been a hard reality for me to accept. My life does depend on this fact. And I want to be happy with the amount of time I have left. Really happy, to make up for lost time.

I am praying for a new job so that I can start my life again. I know I will never be with my PD and I have come to terms with over the past few months. I am still grieving. This new reality is foreign. I have to create a new identity for myself. I don't want to mess this up! I will let you know how the therapist goes. This forum has really been good therapy. I have let go of wanting justice (revenge already has bit me back) because it is futile with PDs. I have still to let go of the hope that he will get better. I am focusing, however, with the intent of finding clarity for myself, for my needs. I will continue to educate myself on becoming whole and self-actualized. I am a creative person and want to express and share my gifts! This is why God has planted us here. It is all good and sometimes unfair. But we live!

MakingChanges:
You came to the right place--  but I'm sorry you had to become a member of our group.

I guess I'm wondering what your daughter is thinking?  She must have seen his behavior in the home.  Is she angry at you because of his affair?  Because you threw him out?  Or because you let it go so long?  Just wondering bacause she must have known alot of the household secrets. 

Do you feel mentally able to get out and look for another job?  Or are you too depressed right now?  If you're depressed, focus on doing something everyday to get yourself outside in the sun.  Even if it takes you all day to get out the door.  Get sun on your face.  From there you can move on to exercise as you get more energized.  If people turn their backs on you, then you don't want them in your life.  Family or not.  And his family is only hearing his lies so don't worry about their opinions.  Do you have siblings that can be listening ears for you? 

Roses N Daisies:
Welcome practicingacceptance,
I am glad you are here. You appear to be heading in the right direction and the tone that I get from you is that you really are a positive person with self esteem. You keep taking steps to heal from this, and moving forward is always good. I am proud of your insight and desire to grow.
 
--- Quote ---I do journal, have been since a teenager.
--- End quote ---

--- Quote ---I am trying to go to a therapist through a government funded program. I did see an intern for a month at the beginning of the separation.

--- End quote ---

--- Quote ---It is in the past. I don't need to relive it or try to understand it.
--- End quote ---

--- Quote ---I am focusing, however, with the intent of finding clarity for myself, for my needs. I will continue to educate myself on becoming whole and self-actualized. I am a creative person and want to express and share my gifts!
--- End quote ---
Just know that there are many of us here that really do care and I have found this a safe place to vent.
Roses

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