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Dealing with PD Parents / Re: Advice needed on upcoming lunch...
« Last post by Spring Butterfly on Yesterday at 05:41:37 PM »
Preparing for lunch, I know so well! I prepare neutral safe topics on common interests.

Medium Chill is my favorite thing and I've got that down to a science. Remember to "bean dip" - quick subject change - so you don't leave it just hanging and awkward, open to further investigation or interrogation. As in '. . . blah blah blah so busy. Hey what do you think of the new flower display in town?' Changing the subject makes it more difficult to get back to questions like 'busy doing what exactly?'

One thing I've had to deal with is direct and quite pointed questions. This calls for some guts to and I've not had as much success as I'd like. Some just not a such as I'd like, needing to say more of 'I'd rather not say' or 'that's a bit too personal' although I have I've not said it with the confidence or conviction I want. There's some residual fear of reprisal perhaps. Recently I read a book and am better prepared to directly respond. Will check book reviews and see if I find it.
Chosen Relationships / Re: "I just want to be close again" - Morning Nightmare
« Last post by Scout on Yesterday at 05:37:01 PM »
I'm very sorry you're going through this.  What you wrote reminds me of how I felt when I was trying to figure out what to do.  I knew that I wasn't happy and that I would never be if I stayed.  But on the other side, there was the fear of leaving, of being alone and also fear about what life would be like.  And, I felt tremendous guilt about the thoughts of leaving - impact to kids, impact to wife.  I worried about what people would think of me and all kinds of other things I'm guessing you're already familiar with.

If this is what you're wrestling with, I can tell you that for me making the decision to leave was the first step to clearing my head.  I put all the fears and worries aside and just answered the question "do I want to stay for the long term?"  I decided up front that once I answered that question I wasn't going to revisit it again.  The constant churning and reevaluation was killing me.  Especially when the Hoovering would start.

I decided that long-term I couldn't stay with my wife and be OK with myself.  Immediately I felt a huge weight lifted from me.  I actually spent a couple of days really happy.  Then, the other questions set in - how, when, what do I need to do to prepare?  And all of the logistical things like money and someplace to live.  What I found, though, was that these questions are much easier to answer.  They're not as gut-wrenching as the self-doubt and rehashing the main question.

Now I'm focusing on the steps I've identified to be ready to leave.  My T keeps telling me that working these steps and completing everything I feel needs to happen before I leave isn't actually leaving.  And she reminds me to not get too caught up on what comes next until I get there.  This has helped my mental state so much.  Things still get bad, but I remember that I'm preparing to make things better.  I still have those moments of doubt, but I can tell myself to just keep going.  There'll come a day when I've done all I can do to prepare - on that day, and maybe every one afterwards, I'll need to revisit the big decision and confirm whether I really want to go through with it or not.  But if I do, I'll be ready and fear, obligation and guilt won't be keeping me in a bad place.

So I guess, my suggestion is figure out what you want long-term.  Then start figuring out how to make it happen and don't keep torturing yourself about whether it's right or not.


And don't go on that trip if you don't want to go.  I have great familiarity with PD using the car or a getaway to be unpleasant for hours at a stretch.  It's a special kind of misery. 

"No" is a complete sentence.
Dealing with PD Parents / that grin on her face...
« Last post by Sidd on Yesterday at 05:35:56 PM »
I was curious if any of you had encountered a similar behavior from a PD parent:

My nM seems that she need to be in conflict all the time. When she was alright at work and with my enDad, she seemed to make everything to drive me mad... I usually tried to stay calm at her attacks, but there were some days when I was simply blowing up when she bullied me.

And then, when I was at the peak of sadness and rage, she had that grin on her face... like somehow she was enjoying my misery... like my emotional consumption was nourish her.

Even now, when I remember this, her expression is so stuck in my mind that I start to feel nervous.

Did any of you encountered behaviors like this?     
Friends, Neighbors, Acquaintances and Coworkers / Re: NPD Teacher?
« Last post by MaggieMayCat on Yesterday at 05:35:20 PM »
Vivid - don't ya just love that solution - at least she's not around children now... and hopefully the lawsuits will have the school board taking a hard look at her behavior.

xredshoesx - absolutely correct - it is a ready made theater for them to be large and in charge... probably the reason uNPDBro chose that as his career of choice... adults wouldn't put up with his "intellectual superiority" and would challenge him - not what he's looking for in supply.

Common Behaviors / Re: Nacissism as self esteem addiction
« Last post by Rosemary1929 on Yesterday at 05:31:07 PM »
Or maybe it's both. An addictive personality type that is addicted to the rush of narcissistic supply. Then maybe without it, the N feels low and seeks it out again.

I believe it is an "internal medicine cabinet." I have learned about it through Adult Children of Alcoholics. For some, the addiction is to admiration, for others, anger. Or shame, conflict, attention. All stemming from not being able to be "your own loving parent." If I view my own negative behaviors as, at the very least, a bad habit, then I can start to look at what feelings are buried underneath that I am not dealing with, but instead, the habit is to create a conflict that will give me a rush of my inner drug. Anything not to face the truth and take responsibility!
I felt that my Dad would literally melt like the Wicked Witch of the West if he were ever to admit to his mistakes. My uNPDexbf, the same. The ego construct is so engraved in the brain, it takes something powerful to bring it down.
Hi, I don't usually post here, mostly on the parents forum as I am nc with npd son for 2 yrs.
But, I was reading the posts on here relating to "the will" with a pd parent and wondered if anyone could offer me some advice?
I was raised by a unpd m and controlling f, and was the sg in the family.  I won't go into more detail here, but just ask my question.  I was virtually left out of the will when my unpd m died (not what I was promised like so many here I think?) but was given her jewellery.  I feel quite bad for asking this, but what should I do with it?  (We are not talking $thousands here)  I have tried to wear the odd ring etc, but can't.  I have all sorts of negative feelings and take the item off almost straightaway.  I have no-one to leave this jewellery to, but could I bring myself to sell it - that seems like a step I wouldn't feel comfortable in taking....   I suppose it just sits in the boxes in the dresser, but wondered what anyone else has done in similar circumstances. 
I am in t as my mental health (and physical health) has suffered so much over the many, many years of abuse.  I suppose even now I am still trying to be the "good daughter"...  :stars:

It yours now, so you can do whatever you want with it.  Don't wear it if it makes you sad.

I'm another vote for selling it and buying something nice.  Or, if there's a young girl in the family (someone's niece, daughter or cousin) with romantic sensibilities, who doesn't have negative associations with the jewelry, she might love it.  But don't feel that you have to do that if that branch of the family is acrimonious with the branch you got the jewelry from.

Co-parenting and Secondary Relationships / Re: am i doing the right thing?
« Last post by sweetpea79 on Yesterday at 05:27:34 PM »
Go do something tomorrow with your daughter. Try not to be home.
You reached out to him, to pick her up from school for the weekend. He does not want contact with you, you want no contact with him. You gave him a solution. He did not take or even respect that by even responding to your solution for no contact.
As much as I say that both parents should have equal time with the child. You do have to set up boundaries for yourself. And if he comes over tomorrow and gets your daughter, you will already have went back on the first boundary you tried to establish with him.. no contact. Especially not coming to your house.
I would document (in a notebook, word something that you can print out and bring to court) with dates and times you told him that you wanted no contact, when and how you told him to pick her up from school, how he did not show up at the school to pick her up and if he tries to come this weekend. I can not stress enough about documentation for court.
Again, be busy tomorrow, do not be available for him to come pick her up.
Going No Contact with a PD Parent / Got it sorted.
« Last post by tat on Yesterday at 05:25:38 PM »
I'm 10 years down this road.

It struck me, after many years, just how daft this family thing is. I mean, you can choose
your freinds and cancel them, or a mariage partner, but family you are not able to choose
and are given a life sentence that you ahve to have them in your life, in your house, etc.
It is stupid and crazy. Sure if you all get along, random strangers who just happen to see
eye-to-eye then great, fantastic, but it isn't always like this, and it is madness to try
and carry on as though it is all hunky-dory. I will post again. But frankly it is sat night
and I've had some G and ts and listening to youtube. I can tell you this,
it is gonna all be ok. It is them, no doubt, and I will spell it out.  All the very best, D
Dealing with PD Parents / Re: Money anxiety
« Last post by Sidd on Yesterday at 05:22:38 PM »
My mother still buy me things I don't need and then she tries to make me feel guilty that ”she's doing all her best for me”, by spending her few money and her time  for me and I'm so ungrateful to her...

She never was careful with spending, and my father tried to make her be more careful with money. Despite all their argues, he ended to not taking care anymore about how much she spends, just taking it as it is.

Because I always hated her behavior, now I'm feeling guilty when I buy something for me... I usually look for the cheapest things and I buy only when I really need something...
My husband and I are constantly put into this situation with stepdaughter NPDbiomom.
Her mom always blames things on SD father and I to make us look like the "bad" people.
And the crazy thing, we find out from biomom she always send my husband emails to make sure he knows that she called us out on something (that are usually always her fault), but she never admits it.
Our #1 rule in our home is to never talk bad about the other parent.
When we need to talk to my stepdaughter about something we were put in the middle of or blamed something on. We talk about the whole subject and never mention her mom's name or anything about her mom. We just like for stepdaughter to know that we are not the "bad" ones and we are here to support here and take care of her 100%.
Example: Stepdaughter chose not to play an instrument this year in school. At first she wanted to the first week of school, second week she changed her mind. She has never really been excited about it in the past, but her mom made her do it, so she did. The older she gets, the more of her own voice she has. Once her mom found out. We got the email saying, she would have played if she did not feel like it was a chore. (OH, I am sorry, never thought practicing an instrument was a chore to better yourself at something). Anyway, we deal with this on a constant basis in our home.
I think being honest with your child and setting that good example and not talking bad about the other parent like the other parent is doing, will show your child in the long run, who did it right.
I also think that you have to pick your battles. If it is something petty, I do not think it is worth it, especially if your child says he does not like to be in the middle.

Hope that makes sense and things get better for you!
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