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Unchosen Relationships / Re: When these disorders result in death
« Last post by lisamarie on Yesterday at 11:06:23 PM »
When you are in the midst of this situation, you feel like no one could possibly have experienced this, and no one will care or know what you are feeling, but they do. For some reason, I decided to go here tonight, hitting a rough patch as well, as we all know too well, debating if I should or not, but so glad I did. My uncle, at the age of 29 did just what your brother did, and if I knew now what I didn't know then, well, a lot of questions would have been answered. But really, it's not our journey to know their journey. Does it suck? of course. Is life unfair and relentlessly cruel and ridiculous? of course. But I believe we aren't here to try and figure it out. When my uncle killed himself with a shotgun to his head, my grandmother, his mother, said "why would he do that?" My response, "he wasn't who you thought he was. he was in so much pain, there wasn't a choice for him. The son you knew, wasn't him when he did this. He didn't' even know who he was." I don't know what else to say other than the brother you knew, was in so much pain, that he didn't think he had a choice. It wasn't against you. I don't know your family dynamics, but please know, that for those of us who have lived this reality, we all have had "collateral damage" and it is a difficult thing to wrap our minds around. 'This event is the ultimate tragedy of mental health gone untreated, mistreated, whatever, or the fall out of others. Just know that you are not alone in this scenario.  Thank you for being a part of this community. I am grateful for it as well. My heart and prayers go out to you and your family. Suicide never, ever, goes away for those left behind.
The Welcome Mat / Re: Intro/Getting Started
« Last post by Fuj on Yesterday at 11:01:15 PM »
Hi Little Miss Shell!

I'm very new to this forum but I just wanted to say that I think you are so strong for being able to get out of your toxic relationship and for having the drive to get your life back under these tough circumstances.

Separating & Divorcing / Re: The escalating Hoover
« Last post by TLF on Yesterday at 10:50:53 PM »
Wow, this post is so validating.  Thank you.
I admit, I have not read the whole book yet but I have a love/hate relationship with it. I must have ordered it through the library but couldn't figure out why I would do that as my NPDM had passed away, so I didn't feel I was "caretaking" anyone. But as I read the first few pages, I realized my husband is BPD. Hence, my hating this book. It's not fun to realize you have run away from one problem and right into another. It is a wonderful, easy to read book. I will be buying it right after I am done hating the facts it has pointed out to me.

I sympathize.  I got this book as my H is dxNPD.  I discovered my violent alcoholic mother who is dead was likely BPD.  Yup, out of the oven and into the fire.  This book was so helpful in helping me to let go of my Caretaking behaviors.  I have quite a ways to go but I know what I need to be doing. 
Separating & Divorcing / Re: How do you take care of yourself?
« Last post by eben on Yesterday at 10:46:28 PM »
#1 I get enough sleep! I eat enough veggies. I try to take little walks if possible, especially if the weather is nice. I stop to look at things that are pretty. I read funny books or comics.

I also like this list: http://eponis.tumblr.com/post/113798088670/everything-is-awful-and-im-not-okay-questions-to
atticusfinch: if a relationship isn't working for you, it is okay to walk away.

The guy doesn't have to have a PD. The guy doesn't have to be abusive, even. Though I've gotta say, jealousy like that about your time IS a red flag for more entitled/abusive behaviors down the road - and I am glad that writing on the board here has helped you clarify some of the things that were bothering you.

If you don't feel good about things, you are NOT OBLIGATED to date this guy! He made his own choices. His love life is not your responsibility.

But I really hear you on the temptation of a sort of insta-family. I would have a really hard time turning it down if I were dating someone who wanted to welcome me into a whole group of people, even if I decided I didn't want to date that person anymore.

For  red flags, I really like the healthy relationship quiz at loveisrespect.org and I also like the checklists in the book It's My Life Now.
Working on Us / Re: How to Stop Dwelling on the Past? (Long Post)
« Last post by RiverRat on Yesterday at 10:35:53 PM »
How do I finally let it ALL go?

With therapy, reading, and posting here it goes away in spurts on it's own in time. It will always be a part of you but at one point the healthy YOU will overshadow the negative. :bighug:
Chosen Relationships / Is This a Fair Deal?
« Last post by desertgirl on Yesterday at 10:30:38 PM »
Ok, so we are getting a loan from NPDh's 401k to pay off some debts plus keep some in savings.  Still know I am not staying with him though.  But we are getting a loan for 30K and he said he wanted to keep about 15K in savings and use the rest to pay off his and my debts, so I would assume that I would be able to get 7000 or so for myself to pay off my stuff and that shouldn't be a big deal, right?  I am just afraid that when I tell him this, that he is going to have a heart attack and then say that he wants to keep more in savings and he cannot give me that much.  To be honest , if we were divorcing right this second, I could take half of the 401k, which is the 30k and keep it all to myself so for me to just ask for the 7500 to take care of my debts should not be that big of a deal.  Just hate knowing that he will make this a bigger deal than it should be.
Unchosen Relationships / Re: When these disorders result in death
« Last post by SaltwareS on Yesterday at 10:25:57 PM »
Very sorry for your loss.

When you feel ready, one thing you could do is read up on "The Family System". It may help you sort out what you can control from what you cannot and thus stop the damage from spreading further. It sounds to me as if your brother fell into the "Mascot" role which often happens to the youngest.

I would not worry too much about inherent "mental illness" so much as being able to recognize abuse as it's happening and learn to maximize healthy whole-hearted living skills, such as emotional self-regulation.

If you could find a good T that may help. But for me, finding fellow ACONs in groups like this on the Internet has helped me make big strides in getting a handle on this.

One day or hour at a time. Blessings to you and yours.

My stbx answered all discovery requests except for a psych evaluation he won't produce.


I felt the same way about my NPDh!  There just weren't any big red flags (except I did feel a creepy-ish feeling when I first met him, that I chose to push down).  I knew him for two and a half years!  That is why I don't trust him at all, and why I think he could fool lots of people in our divorce.

As for the other guy, I am wondering if he could be like an avoidant personality or something, maybe with borderline traits of fears of abandonment and impulse control?  The thing is, he does have some close friendships, and a woman he is friends with (who divorced someone with borderline personality disorder) called me up recently to tell me he is the real deal.  My thing is...how does she really know?  My ex's friends would have said the same!  I know he has done nice things for her, but... 

I have been thinking about it all night.  Someone who is empathetic would be giving me space when I ask for it, would be understanding that I'm not ready for a relationship, and would trust me when I'm away from him.  It seems to me that at some point he got hooked onto the idea that I'm the only girl for him, soulmate, etc, and won't let go. (which also reminds me of my ex!)  Which is of course about him.

My question is.... are they paranoid about things they do themselves?  So for example, if this guy I was seeing is covering up a sex addiction (not saying it was so, just throwing out an example), then he would not trust me with regards to other men?  Does that make sense?
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