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Working on Us / Co-Dependency: owning and facing my part of it ....
« Last post by LAH on Yesterday at 04:02:02 PM »
I have spent many many hours here and in therapy trying to untie the tangel of my almost compulsive attraction to  NPD and it's origins...
Recently I stumbled upon a lot of information regarding  the strong connections co-dependent personalities and NPD individuals have...DUH..right..:)
But, seriously...I was so focused on trying to validate the craziness of the relationship with the NPD that I completely missed what I OWNED in it all...

So, My question is whether or not we, as co-dependents stay in or reattach to NPD sig. Others because we really need to be "the better one", the "healthier one" the "victim, the abused, the martyr". Add your own labels here.. WHAT IF I AM INCAPABLE OF FUNCTIONING IN A RELATIONSHIP WHEN THE OTHER PERSON IS SMARTER,HEALTHIER, KINDER, LESS SELFISH!!!
Any and all comments and discussion is welcome as this is a very new revelation for me at 58 years old and I am really struggling with how to think about it.
Board Information & Questions / Re: How to reply to topics
« Last post by AmberLagoon on Yesterday at 04:01:26 PM »
Sorry, the column i meant to say , was " dealing with narcissistic parents" , the post " reflections of growing up in a narc family " by " sonofanarc"

I  would like to respond to this post, but it is on this page that there is no reply button.

In your first answer to my question, you said, " there is no option to reply to a thread " but then i am wondering , how did the other 12 people reply to sonofanarcs post ?

Are you saying / do you mean that i should not be able to reply to other peoples posts  unless i, myself, start the thread ?

Chosen Relationships / Re: How do I leave
« Last post by Shakeitoff on Yesterday at 03:55:57 PM »
Some days are worse than others, some hours worse even.  I had to find something equally engrossing, volunteer work or other relationships, just to keep those worn-down, well-tread brain pathways from sucking me back in.  Today this morning I felt like I was rite back there 5 mos ago when he dismissed, but gradually the seeds of actual real life Ive been planting all along here kept me on my new path, and my mind away from that cruel wanting.

Oh AND you people!  This site always gets me & my internal drama right-sized.  Thank you 2 everyone here.  So grateful to find ppl that 'get it!'
I'm deciding between NC and VLC, so I have a bit more contact with my udNPDm than many of you have.  She hasn't demanded the key.  I live 10 hours away, so she's probably not thinking that I will use it.  I'm guessing that she's too cheap to change the locks, but you never know. 

Rather than the key, she has demanded other things since I set boundaries and started holding to them last summer.  Every time she gets mad she calls up and demands back money that she "gifted" to me and my husband when we bought our house years ago.  She insisted at the time that we take it.  I asked repeatedly if it was a gift or a loan.  I had no need or interest in a loan.  I had enough money for the downpayment on my house.  She insisted that it wasn't a loan, and that I didn't need to give it to her unless she becomes "destitute" in her old age and can't pay her bills.  Then I could use it to pay her bills.  I was still in the FOG at the time.  I never should have deposited the check.  She calls and demands that I write her a check for "her money" that I have. 

She demanded family photos that I don't have.  I've looked through the boxes of photos that she's given me.  They aren't there.   She wanted me to send some 40+ year-old folding chairs to her in the mail that she dumped at my house after cleaning out my grandmother's storage unit. I'd have to spend more in shipping than they are worth.  She has threatened to take me off as beneficiary of any/all of her accounts and out of the will.  Frankly, it's one less thing that I will have to deal with, so I don't care.  She unfriended me on Facebook.  A few years ago she gave me my old scout uniform that she had at her house.  This week she insisted that she gave me hers as well and demanded that I return it.  I don't have it.  All of these things are ways that she is likely trying to get me to break medium chill and yell at her.  I haven't done it, so she's looking for more and more things to demand that I give her.  I've given back nothing.  Once I was OOTF, she lost control and she doesn't like it one bit. 
Dealing with PD Parents / Re: Therapist said to call parents?
« Last post by Clarella on Yesterday at 03:51:20 PM »
Good advice from Sidney as well. Our family is small, and the aunt that I am still in contact with knows about the estrangement with my GC sister (our parents -sexually, physically and emotionally abusive N and enabler mom- are dead). I told her my sister had hurt me deeply, and gave her some context about my father, but I did not tell her any more details then necessary, and avoid the topic the rest of the time. It seems to work well.
But I did have to disengage from a group of extended family/friends, and that stung for a while. I'm the one that was abused, and yet I am also the one that is receiving no support from that end. It sucks, but being dragged back into that world where I am the pitiful scapegoat and only exist to cheer the GC on would suck even harder. I suspect it is the same for the OP. Extended family is important, but only if you are important to them, too. If they don't care about your emotional wellbeing, then sometimes it is best to cut them off too, no matter how sad it might initially make you.
Board Information & Questions / Re: How to reply to topics
« Last post by AmberLagoon on Yesterday at 03:49:34 PM »
Thanks  Bloomie, strangely enough there was  the  option to reply to this, your post, however,
if i go and read, under the post " reflections of  growing up in a narcissistic family " in  the column " narcissistic parents" , all i see
is the following :

    notify          mark unread         send this topic            print

There  is no reply to the left of the notify on this page, for me.

Going No Contact with a PD Parent / Re: Do they ever stop sending flying monkeys?
« Last post by Bill on Yesterday at 03:47:37 PM »
I wish it would stop as well. This year my aunt (mothers sister) sent me a Christmas card in which she told me, among other things to  "..... just get over it!" in reference to my parents abusive behavior.  She went on to defend my parents, and in particular my mother, saying that while they may difficult,  she can be difficult too, so why not just forget about it, put it in the past and come back into the family.

A little bit of context. My mother has always said she hates her sisters guts. She has never, ever said one good word about her that I know of and has gone into a few rages (beet red face, forehead veins popping out, spit flying) throughout the years over the fact that her sister stole her Halloween candy when she was nine years old back in 1946. She has also raged that her sister received more attention than she did from my grandfather because she became pregnant out of wedlock in the early sixties and he used to drop food off for her and give her a little money when she needed it, and for many years she claimed her sister was trying to steal my father away from her and ruin her marriage.  My cousin is another hoover-master whom my mother is now using. I recall when my parents found out that my cousin had bought a beautiful fishing boat (it was larger than any of my fathers boats). My parents said they sat down at the kitchen table, figured out how much the boat cost and how much a carpet layer makes and that it was now obvious to them that he wasn't a carpet layer by profession at all... he was really a mid level drug dealer.

It's galling to have these people (whom my parents hate with a passion) attempt to bully me into accepting more abuse because they think my decision is somehow wrong headed. What I have realized  is that the dysfunction in my family is far worse than I could have ever imagined and going no contact them really was the absolute best decision that I could have made in life.  Hang in their, they no longer have any real power over us and those who do their bidding are enmeshed and/or disordered themselves. 
Co-parenting and Secondary Relationships / Re: How not to worry...
« Last post by 40 Years on Yesterday at 03:45:03 PM »
Hopefully, you can have a peaceful weekend, and not worry too much!
Separating & Divorcing / Re: I've been moved out for one month
« Last post by AKVortex on Yesterday at 03:41:14 PM »
unicorn, I was told the same thing.  He said to me that it was my fault that I took his verbal abuse, intimidation, and controlling behaviour and just was obedient to him.  He says not his problem if I didnt have the "balls" to push back.  Ummm, like you I tried.  It got worse. everything escalated.  I learned to keep quiet really fast.
Ah yes. It's your fault if you let them have their way. You should have stood up to them and all that. Then it's your fault for telling them no. You're being insensitive. It's always a no win situation.
Dealing with PD Parents / Re: Therapist said to call parents?
« Last post by Clarella on Yesterday at 03:38:53 PM »
I remember the thread about the visit, and the unnecessary stress they gave you. They were toying with your emotions and seemed more interested in (re)gaining control, then in an actual relationship with you or your children. Based on that, I would consider what Daughter and Kayjewel have said very carefully, maybe even reread it periodically, because it was very good advice.

The problem with N's is that in their mind, they already are ALWAYS and forever the bigger person, no matter what they do. That is their default position in the world. They *are* the biggest person in their mind. So any attempt to be 'the bigger person' yourself by initiating contact again will just reinforce their belief that they were right, and that you are groveling because you realise the error of your ways. It's really hard to be the bigger person in that situation, because that phrase actually means 'being the humble one who is willing to compromise', and in PD land, that translates to; you are the weakling/scapegoat who was wrong. Because they are never wrong. It's hard to recognise this pattern if you haven't lived it yourself.

I would discuss your concerns with your T., but also go with your own gut instinct & the advice on this board. My own T. was very open to suggestions, and did not tell me to 'do' anything. That helped tremendously. If you feel uncomfortable with your T.'s advice, let him/her know about it, and maybe you'll be able to reach that point as well, OR determine that this is not the right T. for you.
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