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Working on Us / Late night epiphanies
« Last post by GrahamCracker on Today at 09:06:09 AM »
(1)  I have managed, or been managed to, isolate myself from almost my entire past -- family, extended family, friends.  UBPw (and kids) is/are my only regular social contract, aside from work.  I've lived in this new city for more several years, and have made no new close friends.
(2) At some point in my early years, I understood that my inner feelings are not to be trusted, and that I should look to others to define me.
(3) At some point I also decided that it was easier to downplay other people's successes than it was to try and succeed myself.
(4) At some point I convinced myself it was better to settle than to seek, and that peace at any cost was better than struggling.  Sort of a twist on that old (this will date me, but at least Gary will remember) Tareyton TV commercial, "I'd rather fight than switch" -- in my case "I'd rather switch than fight."
(5) For some reason sharp and cutting words hurt me to the core, and I will do almost anything to appease such an attacker.
(5)  Even though I know in my heart that I feel better when I act than when I fret, I find it so much "easier" to fret. 
(6) Somehow the sense of power and enlightenment I get from these lightbulb moments will fade by the time I get home.
Finding wings:  I am so very sorry to hear how broken you feel.  Yes it is sad..so very sad.  My moment was after months of therapy...things were falling apart...and I finally admitted to myself that I had to get past the most hurtful things that he had always said at various times during the marriage.  Many times, when we would be out anywhere, we would come home, and he would say "what was THAT all about?  And I would be like "what was WHAT all about?"  Then his face would change...and he would say.."you look at every guy in the place like you want to fuck him."  He accused me of wanting to fuck his brother...fuck every guy in Europe...and when I won an award at work...something I was so proud of...and work was going to send me to Washington, D.C. To receive this award, he said..."what...you want to go to Washington by yourself so you can fuck every guy in the hotel?"  Now...let me say...he often took weekend trips...spring training...Cooperstown...white water rafting...outside hobbies for years...and I never said anything other than "enjoy yourself and have a GREAT time!!!

So...when I finally decided to say to him that these were the things that I wanted to work through...the things I had to get past to heal...I said to him..."this is what I need..." He turned stone cold faced...became incensed...and looked right at me and said..."you know what....you're so fucked up in the head...I never said those things.  That's it...it's over...tel the kids tonight were getting a divorce."  That's exactly what I did...and the next day when he realized...he approached me and said "you know...I don't remember saying those things...maybe one time...but if I did it was only in jest." 

So that's the moment I knew...I put it all on the line ...told him what I needed and why...told him when I peeled back all the layers it was those hurtful things that pushed me away...and all he did was deny and minimize.  All I wanted to hear was "omg I'm so sorry I hurt you in that way.  What can I do to fix this so you and US can heal?"  How can you turn around and love someone...open your heart and arms to them...feel emotionally safe...when they demean you in that way? 

And as I type this I am in a courtroom...two seats away from him while our attorneys hash things out ...and he's being so nice...almost as if I can't believe this is the same person...and seeing this thread at this moment is kind of karmic in a way...a good thing...keeping me grounded ...moving forward and I am so happy..:). Thanks for starting this thread...I needed to see this, and needed to remind myself that underneath there's a demon just waiting...but he can't come after me anymore..
I have to say that discovering PDs & getting on this forum was #1. I could NEVER look at him the same way after learning all this. Once I told all my children I was planning on leaving & having their awesome support made me realize they truly wanted me to be happy!

When he made a suicide threat to my youngest S18 & I decided once & for all I was doing something about it, which meant getting the cops involved, I knew that was gonna change things forever. My S18 moved out to go live with S30&DIL. It was just me & him then & he escalated to a point I knew it was time to GET OUT!

Another thing that really made me feel it was time was my two boys got me a get-away car & that made it feel 'real'. My kids were rooting me on & there was no going back!
Thank you HoldingStrong! I have to speak with him to get paperwork done to remove his name from my car (I put his name on it when it was given to me believing his lies that his was mine and mine was his...) it is in the separation papers that I have to have it removed but found out he must sign for that and since I am escaping I will have to talk to him at some point to get it off. Also to find out when he files the divorce papers and the court date.  :(
Take some deep breathes, you are doing well! Stay strong, I know you will get out safe tomorrow.! We are rooting for you!

 :udawoman: :yourock: :bighug:
Best of luck NeedingAnswers & praying for your SAFE journey out with your daughter & furry companion!!!

The best thing IMO is to NOT answer the phone when he tries to call! My PDH tried to call me several times a day when I left. For several months until I got rid of the phone & got a new one. I KNEW if I just answered ONCE it would have seriously messed with my head! Total NC is the only way to free yourself. HUGS & looking forward to see you on the board again!
Separating & Divorcing / Re: Ex Had Son Drive Children in Car
« Last post by water on Today at 08:41:31 AM »
Here is something else to consider. In my situation, it was a grandparent putting the two minors without licensing without training, under age for driving into a vehicle without ANY adult in the car.

I as a parent, if I allowed the grandparent to be with my kids alone again, and he endangered them again, then IT'S MY FAULT, for making a poor parenting decision to allow minors near a person that may endanger them.

To reclaiming--you can be held responsible for your ex allowing this if you don't report it and he does it again, hopefully they live through the next time. The kids need to know in no uncertain terms, they cannot drive without a license and if dear old dad is drunk or too tired to drive, they shouldn't get in the car. Harsh, you bet, having your kids in your life depends on it.
I'm trying to push past the quick sand I feel like I am stuck in right now.I have so much to get done and trying to sort out what is most important and can be done without him noticing but I am sitting here and my head is starting to hurt  :stars: :( :unsure:

I just called to take my name off my uNPD/ASPDH credit card. He just added me a few weeks ago as an authorized user and then in his rant separation agreement made and he wanted his card back (I was relieved to give it to him so he couldn't accuse me of misusing it.), that was over a week ago and today in thinking about getting out tomorrow it dawned on me I didn't see him cut it up so I called them and had my name removed from his card account and noted it is as of today. That should take care of at least that much.

Got the strong box key off his key ring the other day so I can get my papers out of it (he has the only key... control) and will leave the key on the table for him when I go tomorrow.

Need to get my car keys off his key ring tonight (say a prayer for me please to do it without being noticed and him not to notice during the day Thurs.) and will leave his on the table with the strong box key.

Head is hurting and spinning.  :stars:
Separating & Divorcing / Re: Ex Had Son Drive Children in Car
« Last post by 2bad on Today at 08:29:35 AM »
I understand why you want to keep your romise to your son and how it feels to be financially dependent on your. It is a scary prospect of feeling that you have knowledge of something that happened that is incredibly dangerous and feeling like you have to weigh all aspects before deciding to act. There were many times in my marriage that I was faced with similar choices and I chose not to act in order to try to "protect" the kids from the fallout and the ex from having legal consequences. After being in an abusive relationship for so long, we have a tendancy to downplay a lot of things that healthier people would act upon without a second thought.

I want you to try to remain calm and look at this as if you were an outsider. If you saw a 13 yo driving a car under any circumstances, wouldn't you be concerned enough about that child's safety to call the police right then? Especially if there were other children in the car? If it were a stranger, you probably wouldn't hesitate because it is very dangerous to have a child that young driving. Dangerous to him; any passengers; and other people on the road. I know that you son is afraid to have it reported, but what if he has to drive again? What if he has an accident? What if he, the other kids, or anyone else is injured? I think that on some level, your son wants to know that you will report this because he knows how wrong it was and he wants to know that you will make the right choice....to protect him and the siblings from their dad. By telling you not to, he is absolving himself from being responsible for whatever happens to his dad....which makes complete sense for a scared young teen. If he wasn't scared and didn't think it was wrong, he would have kept that secret instead of coming to you.

I am thinking I would report it to CPS. Or have someone report it anonymously. Let them investigate the situation and handle it from there. It is too risky to the kids to not say anything.
For me actually leaving, I don't think there was one incident, it was just a breaking down over time.

Honestly looking back though, there really was no going back after his affair. The woman he had the affair with was kinda crazy and he basically insisted that I stay with him but let him be with her too. For example, he would never be FB friends with me, but within days of meeting her they were FB official. People knew we were still together. I looked like an idiot. When he would want to have her over he would ask me to leave (with the kids) for the night, which I did a couple times while trying to figure out wth to do next and trying to avoid moving into my parents house (which I did end up doing temporarily). The woman harrassed me to get me to leave even though PD would beg me to stay. I couldn't take it anymore after I spoke up to PD and asked him to stop this crazy behavior, he punched me and tried to strangle me. I left and got a TPO. It was the craziest situation. He immediately said that he "couldn't trust me" since I left at the "first sign of any problem." I WAS STILL AT FAULT FOR LEAVING. Obviously he had been emotionall and mentally abusive for years and year prior to this but this whole fiasco was such a heartbreaker for me. Of course within about 2 weeks of me leaving, they split up, because they fought like cats and dogs (I think she may have been PD too) and the whole time anyway PD wouldn't leave me alone and wanted me to come home. I was weak, I was tired, I didn't have the strength I have now, I got tired of resisting him and went back, only to leave for good about 1 1/2 years later (I have been out now for almost 3 months and will never go back). I still tried for that last year and a  half but I think the damage that was done before I left the first temporary time was too great. I also was not allowed to express my hurt to him, ever, or over what had happened. He blamed me, and I had to shut up and accept blame for something that had nothing to do with me. I had to pretend. I tried so hard to keep us together but he started using drugs and lying and justified it in that "he didn't cheat again so I shouldn't complain." The verbal and emotional abuse got to extreme highs. I couldn't say anything to him beyond "I love you and you're so wonderful" without it being considered me talking back - it was really that bad.
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