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91
Separating & Divorcing / Re: When Does It End?
« Last post by Rocket Girl on Today at 12:59:48 PM »
Hi Ronin.  I don't hear any reason for you to go back to her.  Keep looking until you find someone you are comfortable with. 

My t tried EMDR with me.  We didn't get very far before I hit a wall and didn't want to go further.  We discussed it and agreed it wasn't the appropriate treatment for me. 

Find someone you trust and keep fighting for yourself.  :)

I didn't experience abuse as a child.  I lost my father at a very young age, thus the early childhood trauma therapy. 

-RG
92
Chosen Relationships / Re: Engaged and confused
« Last post by SmilesAtCrocodiles on Today at 12:59:38 PM »
H, What you're saying rings true in some ways with me. It's difficult to get across how all of those seemingly little things, in a context, can add up to make you feel really undervalued, but you've put it very clearly. It heartening to hear from you as someone who's been there in a big way, and who maintains the self-compassion to acknowledge that it's valid to want those symbolic things that you love from someone you're in that relationship with. What you wrote makes me think of compassion as a value for yourself and others. Thank you. 
93
Going No Contact with a PD Parent / Re: What's next?
« Last post by digital.engel on Today at 12:55:39 PM »
well, not a medical emergency but a medical appointment.
Today I got a text message from her local hospital confirming/reminding an appointment in a few days.
I thought it was a mistake in the phone number so I called the hospital to inform them out of fear that someone else would be missing the appointment reminder.
And you guessed it. 
There was an appointment under my uNM name with my phone number associated. I  informed that was not my uNM number , I gave the correct one, the secretary asked if my number was to be kept in the file, I said no.

There is the possibility of a service screw up as my number was  given when she was there one week last year.
But I've been into a handful of medical appointments in several places and each and everyone asked me for my phone number for any change that might occur.

And while the issue is solved :

1) I cannot shake the feeling of feeling the urge to check if my uNM did receive the reminder (although I know it is not my fault if the service fails to inform the patient or she has an appointment and forgets)
2)  wondering if my number was given in purpose, as only my uNM or someone with her identity card could make the appointment. The purpose would be so that I would know she has the appointment and be forced to go with her or feel that I have to go with her (not happening, myself have 2 medical appointments the same day). But either way, now I know she has that appointment.
3)  wondering if I am being unfair and "making movies" if this was in fact a service screw up.

so yup, it never ends....
94
Separating & Divorcing / Re: Dealing with Disappointment
« Last post by Rocket Girl on Today at 12:54:48 PM »
Hi Turtle mama.  The good news is we can turn our thinking around with help.  My t has done wonders with helping me with my self esteem.  I hope you are in a position to take advantage of counseling. 

What you are writing is what tons of us before you have written.  It is not a coincidence we experience the same things with our PD's.  That's where our thinking needs to change, and yes, it's true we often feel more sorry for others than we do for ourselves.  We should be number 1 in our lives, (unless we have kids, of course).

You are ok, I have certainly been where you are.  But, with help and time, you will come to realize you cannot change PD's and you cannot make them think straight.  What you can do is come to an understanding of what you are willing to accept. 

Stay strong.  This too shall pass.

-RG
95
Chosen Relationships / Re: Engaged and confused
« Last post by SmilesAtCrocodiles on Today at 12:53:38 PM »
Coyote, thanks for your feedback. Yes, I absolutely understand that nobody could know the context or factors involved enough to advise me solidly or whether or not to marry someone. I'm sorry that what I wrote came across as a request for that. Perhaps I am just over thinking it, and going with a gut feeling could be an option. Thanks, yes, I do think that the information sections on this site are very comprehensive in lots of ways, and can be very useful tools.

Sparrow, Thanks. I'm so sorry you're going through that, and particularly that you've gone through suffering to get where you are now. It sounds like you've got some really valuable experience and insight from what you've gone through. A minimum engagement time sounds like a really wise idea.

Thanks both for your feedback and for taking the time to read such a long post!
96
Chosen Relationships / Re: Engaged and confused
« Last post by Hikercymru on Today at 12:52:11 PM »
Hello. 
I hear you. My ex never bought me a ring. Or flowers. Because he didn't like them or believe in them.
He generally had huge commitment issues and was ubpd. So he would push me away and then pull me back.
He could be very mean and then very needy.
Yours is probably different.
I would now not choose to be with a man who wouldn't buy me affordable things I love because he doesn't believe in buying them. Because I would not do that to my partner.
H
97
Separating & Divorcing / Re: When Does It End?
« Last post by Ronin on Today at 12:51:35 PM »
I'm sure that she has a reason for CBT, but since it has a negative effect on me, it isn't really the best plan because it will just cause me to stop going to see her. But, yes, I will talk to her about it.  A good portion of her advice yesterday amount to, "Just suck it up and deal with it Cupcake." Uhhhh...if I could, I wouldn't be sitting in her office.   :blink:

Like you, RG, I have a long history of abuse and neglect that needs to be dealt with. Keeping me in a place where I feel ashamed isn't going to be a lot of help dealing with those. After the appointment yesterday, I felt just like I do when I have to deal with my FOO. Not a good place for me.
98
PS. No finding a miracle cure does not reflect badly on the non-PDS. The illnesses are not our fault. And their remaining Ill and abusive are not signs of failure or a lack of love from the non-PD.
99
Separating & Divorcing / Re: When Does It End?
« Last post by Rocket Girl on Today at 12:41:58 PM »
Hi Ronin.  Yes, please have a talk with your therapist.  If she's good, she's asking you to do CBT for a reason.  My first 6 months with my T, I would question why she wanted to do this or that.  When I consistently got good answers from her, I learned to trust her and now I pretty much trust where we are going.  That doesn't mean I am blindly following, I just know she knows a whole lot more about this than I and is digging at the deeply imbedded thorn in my soul.

Digging into early childhood abuse and or neglect is extremely painful, but unless you want to repeat your patterns or live with the anxiety, its a great opportunity to heal.

Best of luck to you.  Proud of the steps you are taking to improve!

-RG
100
My uBPDexgf had to get a rise out of me before she would stop acting out. She would follow me and drop little snide comments, pout, act grumpy and sulky, make backhanded insults, and 'accidentally' forget appointments and ruin things; the only thing that would stop her was my raising my voice and loudly telling her to stop. Then she would giggle like a toddler and say things like, "ooh, you're getting mad!" She obviously loved pushing and pushing until I got upset. It was like she had to prove that she had the power to upset me.

And she would sometimes agree that she had serious issues and would agree that she needed help and medication, but only when she was being told to pack and leave. Then she would say anything to get me back. Within an hour of my agreeing to give her another chance, she would grumble that she had no idea what had upset me.

The behavior only escalated. She would rely on being mentally ill as an excuse for her bad behavior, and claim that I was the one who was to blame. It took her a while to see such a diagnosis as a tool to get away with tantrums, but once she saw it, she used it relentlessly. Then she would deny it if there was any way to blame anyone else.

My point is that getting a BPD person to admit to their illness is not a step towards healing, necessarily, nor is it a permanent realization. They may use it as a crutch, defense, or weapon. It may be temporary clarity or only partially recognition. They may get solid treatment, but chances are they will find a therapist who reinforces their self-perceptions.

Look at the list of common BPD traits. The inability to accept responsibility for their behaviors is key. We cannot wish away any one trait to this disorder because we hope that it will lead to the end of that disorder.

We cannot control the disorder. If there was a quick way to do educate and treat these disordered people, there would be an instruction manual and the disorder would be eradicated instantly the second it was recognized.

And none of us can be the white night who is special enough to rescue them from theMs elves. None of us are can love a person into being healthy. We don't win trophies for sticking it out. The disorder is not going to make an exception and be conquerable just for us because we 'won't give up on them.'

It is easy to believe that everyone else who has loved a person with a personality disorder was foolish, lazy, or uneducated and just didn't try hard enough. That's not how it works. We aren't advising you to give up out of some vindictive urge to ruin your happiness and make you just as miserable as we are. We aren't ignorant morons who gave up out of stupidity. We are people who walked the same path. We too loved someone with a personality disorder and we worked hard to help our loved one. We finally realized the futility of trying to change them, and we chose to self-preserve.

And we are here, reaching out to try to help others still on the same path. If there was a magical set of steps to heal or help our PD, we would have taken those steps and shared it. Just because it isn't advice you want to hear does not make it stigmatized, rude , or wrong.
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