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Chosen Relationships / Re: Tired of it being all about HIM
« Last post by desertgirl on Today at 12:49:42 AM »
Fedup-I'm so sorry you have to deal with all this :(  I can relate so much though because my NPD H is the same way as far as his moods go.  If he wakes up in a bad mood and is quiet and wanting to keep to himself, then basically my kids have to watch out because he'll be on them about everything.  I have to kind of sense what kind of mood he is in in the mornings and then adjust myself to his moods and it drives me insane!  I want someone who wakes up happy  and wants to start the day, not someone who can come into the room I"m in at any second and then got on my case about something and then put me too in a bad mood.  And it sounds like your H likes to dictate what is going on in the family as far as "Ok, we are all going here now" and then it's his way or the highway, right?  Ugh, so tired of that. My NPD H is gone maybe half the month for work, but then he can come home and all of a sudden think he dictates over the entire family when I"ve been a single mother to three kids while he's been gone.  So freaking frustrating!
Common Behaviors / Re: OCD or common sense
« Last post by eben on Today at 12:29:54 AM »
Whatisnormal, I love how your username goes so well with this list! Great list, too. I agree on all counts.

Also, one more vote from me for those things being common sense, even more than whatisnormal's examples. If the glasses break like that, geez, don't put them that way! If the bowl is like that, it will take forever to dry. Just use a towel at that point. And what happens to the bag of junk? That is just bizarre.
Unchosen Relationships / Re: NPD mother died
« Last post by Generosa on Today at 12:29:08 AM »
Mrs Spooney my Npd mother died 11 years ago. Like you I had done a tremendous amount of hard work toward healing and wholeness before she died and had a distant relationship with her as she was toxic to me, but I found that there are just certain things that gained new and painful clarity with her death and grieving took on a deeper element of finality that at the most unexpected times literally left me doubled over in pain. There is just this place inside of us that was once completely open to our mothers, trusting, loving without question, and it is there... in that precious vulnerability where a loving, healthy mom treads with tenderness, that an abusive, disordered mother does her most damaging work and for me, that is the place that I just couldn't go and couldn't heal until she was truly gone and I was finally safe from her. This is a very hard time, and my hope and prayer for you is that you will be gentle with yourself, feel your feelings, and heal! It will get better, it really, really will!!
Take comfort in the knowledge that this is a well traveled road and you are not alone!!! I am so very sorry!!!
I was reading through your story and when you said you felt shame/rage I thought to myself: wow. Because a milder version of that mix was what your story evoked in me. I've definitely been there.

Validating by saying that you understand how she would feel rejected is a validation. Especially if she felt like you understood where she was coming from on that, then it was certainly a validation.

Then you just wanted her to understand where you were coming from, too.

That didn't happen. Right? Instead it was your fault for not communicating well enough, even though you mentioned multiple times in general that you were sore, and made "excuses" during the cuddle attempt (which I'm reading as more expressions that you are physically not doing great). None of that mattered to her. She just wanted the affection she wanted, when she wanted it. You're right. Your feelings were invisible to her. And later she is denying that you said anything? She wants to think she is a more caring and considerate partner than she is, perhaps? She's fooling herself. You clearly said a lot of things.

Also, short answers and attitude for DAYS? That is seriously blowing all of this WAY out of proportion. Really. Truly. If she was upset and wanted to address it she could have brought it up. She was waiting for you to do it. (To prove you care or something? Who knows.)

So, she felt rejected and was upset that she couldn't cuddle with you. That is fine. Feelings are never wrong. But how she is treating you because of those feelings and how she is (not) handling having those feelings is totally dysfunctional, counterproductive, and at times downright abusive (the blaming, ignoring your physical needs, etc.).

My uBPDstbxh has also made noises about being "codependent."


I really think the phrase they are looking for is "emotionally needy and very selfish about it." How is that codependency?!
Chosen Relationships / Re: I've Been Narc'ed
« Last post by Generosa on Today at 12:10:27 AM »
TTT - Breaking free from the cycle of abuse is hard, exhausting work. All I could think of as I read your posts was: look at all she does - taking care of her family and home as this toxic river funs thru your home. Imagine what a woman like you will accomplish when you have broken free from this constant emotional assault and you can rest and relax in your own home and thrive!!! Stay strong and be gentle with yourself and keep posting so we know how you are and how we can support you!!! It will get better!! I promise you it will! Keep putting one foot in front of the other!!!
Separating & Divorcing / Re: Right now, I know I want a divorce...
« Last post by eben on Yesterday at 11:59:36 PM »
Ugh, it's so hard to stay out of it, and it sounds like her anger is really scary and this is all coming out of fear which is the toughest in my opinion. Obligation? Yeah okay. Guilt? Sure, it's terrible. But fear is the worst.

It is not your fault that she is scaring you. She is being angry and threatening. You are trying to keep yourself safe and this is the way you know how to do that best.

I hope you can think of, or remember, some of the other ways for next time.

Unchosen Relationships / Re: NPD mother died
« Last post by WomanInterrupted on Yesterday at 11:54:12 PM »
I'm sorry about what you're going through, Mrs. Spooney.   :hug:

I grieved my mom a long time ago.  I cried when I realized what a lost cause she really was and no matter what I did, I would never gain her love or acceptance.  I was just a thing - a tool to be used or made to work.  I was nothing more than an appliance to unBPD mom.  She pushes a button and I perform a certain function; she pushes another button and I perform another function.  I wasn't *real* to her and she didn't care a thing about me - only what I could do for her.

I remember shaking and feeling very lost and alone - like the bottom dropped out of my world.  I didn't have a mom.  I've *never* had a mom.

I went LC about six months later - six months after that, she died and I felt nothing but *relief.*  I didn't see her for the last six months of her life, even though she laid a few guilt trips from hell on me and had quite a few, "Made ya look!" hospitalizations.  I stayed away.  I stayed away in her final days, thinking it was yet another ploy to get me to come see her.  I thought "hospice" was yet another ruse on her part - and was very surprised to find out she was actually in a Hospice facility.

She died 24 hours after entering Hospice.  After hearing the words, I did a Snoopy dance.  I felt incredibly happy - she couldn't criticize me, order me around, moan at me, demand I fix her or call up and make my life a misery.  She was GONE!

This person who called herself a "mother" but was the most toxic and negative person you've ever met and was really nothing more than an emotional vampire, was GONE!

Since late January, I've had to deal with her hoard and it's brought up a lot of emotions.  Things I thought I threw away?  They were all stuffed in plastic boxes after being rescued from the trash.  I've seen pictures of a bright-eyed baby that turn into an increasingly unhappy little girl with sad, dead eyes, hiding behind a big, fake smile.  I've seen pictures of mom with "that" look in her eyes - the one you know where she's ready to go psycho over *nothing.*  I remember it all.  I've been forced to relive it and somehow come to grips with the fact that yes, this was my childhood and it totally sucked.  This woman shouldn't have been allowed to look after a potted plant, let alone a child.

Getting rid of mom's hoard has been cathartic.  It really is like banishing a malevolent, toxic spirit from the house.  Go!  You are not welcome!  Your crap can no longer choke us!  My dad deserves better and I deserve better! 

You did not misread your mom.  You're not being hard on her - you're seeing her *clearly* - and as time goes on and she can't badger, hector, criticize, scream, cry fake crocodile tears over not getting her way, have a tantrum at you or behave in any other unacceptable manner that makes you want to hide in a closet, feeling like you're a trapped 8-year-old all over again - it gets better.

She can't hurt you anymore.  The memory of her lingers like a bad smell, but *she can't hurt you anymore.*

If others in your FOO don't understand that - that's their individual experience and it's best just to nod with something of a sympathetic look while looking for the nearest escape route - or finding a way to change the subject.

My mom and dad hated each other, fought like cats and dogs, screamed at each other on a regular basis - but now my dad thinks my mom is pretty much a candidate for sainthood, since she was so religious.   ::)

He has *not* once said, "Your mom loved you so much."

He has *not* once said, "Your mom loved me so much."

He has *not* once said, "I loved her so much."

He has only mentioned she's a saint, she's religious, she was so pretty, she was a good looking gal (he's 85 - I cut him slack  ;)), she was a nice looking woman, she loved her stuff, she really loved her stuff, she wanted that Trans AM, she wanted her miniatures...

Seeing a pattern?

Where the hell are any of us in all this mom-ism?

We are non-existent. 

I never had a mom.  I had a person who wanted a commodity.  If she could have stuck me on a shelf with the rest of her dolls and wound me up when she needed something, she would have gladly signed me up for the procedure and told me how it would have benefited *her.*

I hope you find peace, Mrs. Spooney.  It really *does* get better when we're Out of the FOG and realizing just what we were dealing with.
If he's suicidal, that's between him and his therapist to manage. And no not every suicidal person is immediately hospitalized there are other interventions therapists might try if there were reasons the patient felt (and therapist agreed) hospitalization would make things worse. But the office calling about the divorce seems like 100% B.S.

Can he actually stop the sale?
Separating & Divorcing / Re: Help I'm being hoovered!
« Last post by eben on Yesterday at 11:49:00 PM »
This is exactly what my stbxh did. He said everything (almost) exactly the way I'd wanted to hear it for months and even years. (Just some of it was off, like he started talking about how he was terrible. Wow, not the point. Sorry. Tangent.)

It was SO difficult to listen to that, I could FEEL my heart strings being pulled, I WANTED to believe him even though I knew it was not a good idea.

So here's what I tell myself: if he could change this, he could have (should have) changed it for me  because these are things I said I needed in a relationship. Changing them now, because I'm leaving? That's not changing them for me. That's changing them to try to get me to stay, still trying to make me do what he wants and control me.

For me what it boils down to is this: if he's doing this to get me to stay, it only lasts until he gets what he wants. As soon as he doesn't need to try to get me to stay anymore, he doesn't need to do those things anymore, because if he was going to do them when I was right there, completely in love with him and asking him over and over in a million ways to please do these things for me . . . Then he would have already done them and I would not have left.

And the kicker for me is that IF I gave in and went back, I know that my leaving in the first place would become something terrible that I did to him and needed to make up to him. So he'd expect me to come CRAWLING back and prove myself worthy of HIS trust! Not on your life! He didn't prove himself worthy of my trust, so I left! The end!

I wanted to make that come full circle and be more logical somehow but it's late so I think I'll leave it at that. Hope this was helpful to you.
Unchosen Relationships / Re: 18 things mentally strong people do from forbes.com
« Last post by Opus on Yesterday at 11:48:00 PM »
:(. Then i am incredibly mentally weak.

Fortunately, it is possible to get stronger. I'm proof of that. It's not easy but it's definitely something I've worked on and continue to work on. Don't beat yourself up over it, we're all constantly trying to improve. That's one of the things that separates us from those with PDs, they don't care about improving.


There's good stuff in this list, and good things to strive for.  I consider myself a 'slow burn'.  I take little steps each day to get better than the day before.  And after a while, those little steps add up!  And they have.

Keep going, little by little, to be better, be stronger. 
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