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91
Unchosen Relationships / Re: Was there a "final straw" for you?
« Last post by lifeontheropes on Today at 03:16:54 PM »
When she raged at me for about an hour on the phone bc I wouldn't go along with an idea she had. Then she said for me to never call her again bc she wouldn't call me if she needed anything...I was the LAST PERSON she would call if she needed anything. Having centered my life around her for 50 years, I just had enough. I finally thought "well this is the 5th time she's done this in 6 years. I think I'll take her at her word bc I don't deserve this kind of treatment."

Ironically enough, the idea she had would have placed my sdad in possible harms way. She didn't know that. I didn't tell her bc I can only imagine the DRAMA that would have taken place if she knew the whole story. I was trying to spare them bc they are aging. An act of love on my part was turned into what an awful daughter I was and always have been. I'm finished with that.
92
It was like a little parting shot instead of an apology
:yeahthat:

Exactly. Notice how he put it all on you - you forgiving him, not him doing anything! It's blame shifting. Now if things don't improve it's your fault for not forgiving him (again).  :stars:

"I hope I can earn your forgiveness someday" would have been a step in the right direction. That would require him to accept responsibility and accountability for his actions though, so you might not want to hold your breath waiting for too long.
93
Chosen Relationships / Re: EMERGENCY PLEASE OFFER ADVICE
« Last post by KD5FUL on Today at 03:11:15 PM »
Yes, I went to the psychiatrist, but it was rather unproductive as my Spanish is insufficient to  explain the depth of my suffering and damage. 

I gave her the contact information for my therapist, so I am hoping that will be enough.

I have also contacted several of the neighbors--two of whom have made statements to the police.  I don't know what they said to the police, I just asked them to be honest.  Both of said neighbors saw NPDh throwing my things into the street and screaming and one of them saw my black eye (she was the one who took me into her home until I got an apartment).

Other than that, I have just been avoiding my NPDh's hoover attempts to contact me at work.  He sent flowers, shows up, and calls the office.  I told the secretary and my boss of the situation (everyone at work asked me why I had a black eye) so they know not to let him into the building or pass along any messages, calls, gifts, etc. 

Also, I have a strong desire to contact him.  I know that makes me crazy.  I have blocked him on my phone, and social media, yet I still think about calling him (part of me STILL feels that there is hope).  I am hoping that this two month time period goes by quickly because I think that I can only start to really be fine when it is IMPOSSIBLE for me to contact him (when he is in custody).

Anyone reading this must think that I am weak and crazy for still being hopeful and for wanting to contact my NPDh.  Just being honest.  No Contact is hard. 

94
Chosen Relationships / Re: 2 Hour Interrogation
« Last post by Sunny on Today at 03:10:50 PM »
Hi Fishbird and others! Just got a Dx from my T, briefly our MC and knows h well, that he is N and OCDP. Totally explains the last NINETEEN years of my life. At least I have my 2 beautiful children who love me.

When I go almost NC in our home or MC, h lies on the couch YAWNING loudly with his mouth open while loudly playing videos on his laptop. Mind you he has not worked in 5 years and has no disability other than his superiority to others. He "cannot" work for anyone else and we have some money saved up so I guess he just plans to burn thru that and sit on his a&& while I work 2 jobs. He nearly killed our chickens recently by allowing their water to completely run out.

I now counter every stern "we need to talk!" with "have YOU gotten HELP like I asked you to?" (in December) while backing towards an exit and looking for a landline. Then he makes some excuse and I walk away or even leave the house and don't come back until my teenagers are home.

Hope this is informative. Glad I finally have a diagnosis.
95
Unchosen Relationships / Re: Was there a "final straw" for you?
« Last post by farfromthetree on Today at 03:09:57 PM »
My 86 year old uPDm became increasingly dependent upon me to use her computer. I'll spare you the details but suffice it to say there were phone calls about trivialities, plus I was concerned about cyber safety. I tried for five years to help her understand just how much I was doing to support this computer behind the scenes, giving her an imaginary exaggerated sense of independence. She argued.

It started to affect my health -- in particular my pulse and blood pressure.

So I finally relented and admitted to her that it was affecting my health, thinking that would make her cave and surrender the computer. But she uttered no reaction or concern for my health at all. Instead, she continued to argue for why she should have the computer.

That was the last straw. I took away the computer and went NC. That was a year ago.

 ;D


96
Unchosen Relationships / Re: The Trouble with Ens
« Last post by Snapdragon44 on Today at 03:08:26 PM »
Hello Pickingup,

The enablers and their behaviour used to baffle me more than the narcissists ever did.

I suppose they still do.  The narcissists are easy to understand - they're just .... "not very well, upstairs".

But the enablers ??  They're strange.  My old man, for instance, I used to think that he was this really strong, truthful and honourable bloke ...... but after I went NC I finally saw him for the feeble-minded bully that he actually was.

He like a parrot that's good with its fists .....or at least he used to be (good with his fists that is - the parrot bit hasn't changed).

Anyway, enablers ..... what I've never understood is what exactly they get out of the arrangement and why can't they think for themselves ?

The enablers are baffling.

Various people have told me that at some time or another we, ourselves, have acted as enablers.

I didn't believe it either, at first ..... but on reflection I soon realised that I had done just that.

I've ended relationships just in order to maintain peace and I've done far worse than that ..... just because "I didn't want to lose my family" and I couldn't stand the perpetual misery of endless arguments.

I have on occasions pecked at my wife about don't do this and don't do that .... just so as not to upset the old buggers and maintain peace.

What is that if it isn't enabling behaviour ?

Every time you capitulate with one of these people over anything you're acting as an enabler.

These people need enablers ..... they can't do anything without them.  It's a bit like in the Dracula films when he had familiars who, because they weren't vampires themselves, could move his coffin about or drive the coach in the daytime.

I think that if you can think back to a time when you may have acted as an enabler (if you have) and then think about as to why you did it then the enablers become a bit easier to understand.

They're probably bound by mis-directed love, fear of loss of property, fear of the unknown and they probably do what they do just in order to maintain the peace.

A part of them may be glad that they aren't on the receiving end and they think "rather you than me, mate"..... then they whatever they have to just to keep you there.

I don't want to offend anyone - so I'll aim this comment at myself.  I've ended relationships and as I said "I've done worse" and it boiled down to one thing ..... cowardice.

Perhaps, I'm being harsh ...... I was (where they're concerned) cowardly ..... but I'm glad to say that I did one day find it within myself to say "no" and protect the people that I care about.

It was tough ..... it was a step into the unknown.  I don't have any family of origin now ..... but hey - I've been financially independent since I was sixteen and I've had to do things for myself for most of my life.

Will our enablers ever break free one day ?

I don't know - perhaps they've got too much to lose and perhaps the dynamics of their relationships are different.

Perhaps not all enablers are the same - maybe some people just have a psychological need to be dominated ..... I don't honestly know.

In the case of my old man .... it'll never happen.

Perhaps some types of enabler just aren't "very well, upstairs" themselves.

Who knows but one thing's for sure - they're just as much a part of the problem as the narcissist is themselves.

Snapdragon.
97
Gipse - I have been in that exact situation!! 

I am so sorry, it is excruciating!  Ultimately your stepdaughter will be okay, but this is horrible and painful to get through.  Don't expect the bio-mom to ever consider the needs of her child, ever.  She won't because they don't matter to her. And be sure to take care of yourself too. When you say you are tired, frustrated, stressed, it's worrisome because your DSD needs you to be strong, constant and loving.  You have to get used to this always being a high conflict relationship for you DSD.  I like that you said this situation is completely unnecessary, but the bio-mom doesn't think that way.  It's only unnecessary if you are a 'normal' parent, a parent that considers what's good for your child.
98
Chosen Relationships / Re: He's back already!
« Last post by freed on Today at 03:06:13 PM »
Tearful, I suggest you go full out No Contact. If your mother is crying because you look so thin and anxiety burdened that has to tell you something. People do die from stress. Your family needs you; your sons need you.

I assume that you defended yourself to Mr. Nutcase, because you still had hope of being with him. I don't believe you are doing any of the things he's accused you of, nor do I condone that behavior. However, supposed you were doing all that he said you were. So, what! You are a grown woman. You decide what you will and will not do.

Ideal would be for you to block his number, email, access to you on every social media that you are apart of. However, if you're not going to do that, please stop defending yourself. You don't answer to his sorry self. What if when he accuses you, you just say, "And? What's your point?" If he claims that you are admitting it. I would tell him the only thing I'm admitting is that I want you to get out of my life. I'm an adult and I'll do exactly as I please, and then hang up. And don't feel guilty about hanging up on him. That's called protecting yourself.

Don't get dragged into his drama. Don't defend yourself. Don't answer his questions, and if he asks why you aren't answering.  I'd tell him that there is nothing that requires you to answer him, and then hang up.

This is for if you can't go NC. However, the best is that you go NC. The clarity that you will receive from finally cutting this bully out of your life is hard to explain. But it is wonderful!

I used to tell my ex, "Just because you say it doesn't make it true." Of course he will insist that it is. At that point, just stop talking and hang up.

You don't owe him an explanation about YOUR life. He needs to get himself some business; so that he'll stay out of yours.

Please stop defending yourself to him. Save your energy and go get a pedicure, manicure, or both. It will make you feel better. Be good to Tearful-- she needs someone to be nice to her, and who better to do that  but you?

Take back your power!
99
Unchosen Relationships / Re: The Trouble with Ens
« Last post by Snapdragon44 on Today at 03:05:55 PM »
Hello Pickingup,

The enablers and their behaviour used to baffle me more than the narcissists ever did.

I suppose they still do.  The narcissists are easy to understand - they're just .... "not very well, upstairs".

But the enablers ??  They're strange.  My old man, for instance, I used to think that he was this really strong, truthful and honourable bloke ...... but after I went NC I finally saw him for the feeble-minded bully that he actually was.

He like a parrot that's good with its fists .....or at least he used to be (good with his fists that is - the parrot bit hasn't changed).

Anyway, enablers ..... what I've never understood is what exactly they get out of the arrangement and why can't they think for themselves ?

The enablers are baffling.

Various people have told me that at some time or another we, ourselves, have acted as enablers.

I didn't believe it either, at first ..... but on reflection I soon realised that I had done just that.

I've ended relationships just in order to maintain peace and I've done far worse than that ..... just because "I didn't want to lose my family" and I couldn't stand the perpetual misery of endless arguments.

I have on occasions pecked at my wife about don't do this and don't do that .... just so as not to upset the old buggers and maintain peace.

What is that if it isn't enabling behaviour ?

Every time you capitulate with one of these people over anything you're acting as an enabler.

These people need enablers ..... they can't do anything without them.  It's a bit like in the Dracula films when he had familiars who, because they weren't vampires themselves, could move his coffin about or drive the coach in the daytime.

I think that if you can think back to a time when you may have acted as an enabler (if you have) and then think about as to why you did it then the enablers become a bit easier to understand.

They're probably bound by mis-directed love, fear of loss of property, fear of the unknown and they probably do what they do just in order to maintain the peace.

A part of them may be glad that they aren't on the receiving end and they think "rather you than me, mate".

I don't want to offend anyone - so I'll aim this comment at myself.  I've ended relationships and as I said "I've done worse" and it boiled down to one thing ..... cowardice.

Perhaps, I'm being harsh ...... I was (where they're concerned) cowardly ..... but I'm glad to say that I did one day find it within myself to say "no" and protect the people that I care about.

It was tough ..... it was a step into the unknown.  I don't have any family of origin now ..... but hey - I've been financially independent since I was sixteen and I've had to do things for myself for most of my life.

Will our enablers ever break free one day ?

I don't know - perhaps they've got too much to lose and perhaps the dynamics of their relationships are different.

Perhaps not all enablers are the same - maybe some people just have a psychological need to be dominated ..... I don't honestly know.

In the case of my old man .... it'll never happen.

Perhaps some types of enabler just aren't "very well, upstairs" themselves.

Who knows but one thing's for sure - they're just as much a part of the problem as the narcissist is themselves.

Snapdragon.
100
Common Behaviors / Re: Mind readers required: apply within.
« Last post by OpenHeart on Today at 02:56:42 PM »
Mine has said to me "You know exactly what I was doing, did or thinking of doing (pick the one that fits this time)".  When I would tell him I had no idea and that I don't spend my time focused on him, it would make him angrier either triggering a rage or a PA payback down the road.  Now when he gets on his "you know xy or z", I just ignore him.  For a while, I would say "sucks to be you" which made me feel better and he could revel in his victimhood, but that was supply and I continue to work on not giving him supply. 
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