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Unchosen Relationships / Re: First holiday's without bpmom
« Last post by OrangeSand on Today at 03:57:19 PM »
Stili I really liked your point of view! Thank you for reminding us that our NPs are adults even though behave like kids but they are still adults and can take care of themself if they want or need.
My NMs did not realise that I still have access to her dropbox since my GC NB gave me the password while I was still in FOG. Bottom line, I can access my NMs pictures without her knowing and while she is saying to the Flying monkeys that she is going to kill herself because of me and that she is so depressed that she can not do anything, in the mean time she is making parties with her friends, travelling, have the time of her life. On each picture she laughts like crazy as if she has not a single problem in her life. And actually she does not. She is a bit disturbed that she lost one victim to get narcistic supply but for her nathing really happend since she never gave a shit about me anyway.
We have to remaind ourselfs of this constantly, particularly during holidays. We are sorry for them from our perspective but for them is much easier, they have no empathy-means they dont give a shit. Christmas for them speacitaly only because is a day in which the potential victims are weaker and easier to manipulate. But be sure they wont be crying and missing us in the way we miss a parent that we never had or a happy christmas table that we never had.
Unchosen Relationships / Re: NOTALICE came up with it first
« Last post by Stevie on Today at 03:57:14 PM »
New - Any long timers are probably sick of this story, but because it is so npd I hope you don't mind me sharing.  On holidays and birthdays, I spent agonizing hours looking for the right card for mother.  Like WI's mother, nm would read the card and turn it over and look at the price.  As a kid, I started blackening out the price with magic marker.  Eventually things were so bad, I said fuck it and sent a generic birthday card.  A few days later, esf returned the opened card to me, saying that mother didn't like it.  He told me how we all had issues with our parents.  It became the joke of our family.  Dd knew that mother discussed her sexual problems with me about esf.  We were hysterical when dd said to me, "Did you ask grandpop if his mother discussed his father's sexual performance?"  For years after that we would giggle and say, "If I don't like your card, I'm sending grandpop after you ", lol.
No Contact: We have prevented any/all contact possibilities---they cannot email us, call us, write us. We make the same precautions against flying monkeys. Personal visits are met with unopened doors.

No Response: They can can write us, leave us voicemails, send us emails, send us flying monkeys that we hear out, etc. We don't respond.

In the first option, NC, they cannot download their poison. They cannot 'get' to us.

In the second option, they can spew as much poison into us as they wish to. They don't get a response to it. 
Common Behaviors / Physical abuse/violent behaviour common with NPD?
« Last post by unsinkable on Today at 03:45:40 PM »
Violence isn't listed in the NPD traits. Does anyone with NPD family find that physical abuse is a common behaviour?
She never figured out 'cause and effect' - and wouldn't have accepted any responsibility, anyway, so it really didn't matter WTF she thought.

Why can't they grasp this!? But you're right.. they don't! EVER.. not even if it means NOT SEEING GRAND CHILDREN!! Blows my mind!!
Unchosen Relationships / Re: NOTALICE came up with it first
« Last post by onlyforward on Today at 03:33:30 PM »
Genius, skipping the designated sections of cards and going straight to generic whoever-the-hell-ya-are cards  :applause:

Back when i still bought my Narents cards I got them at the car wash or liquor stores, bwahahahahaha! Cards with a monkey on them were a SURE bet.
LOL.. sometimes you think you have it all worked out then you say it out loud and realize.. yeah that won't work. I do that.

After reading your post I guess I'm LC with my sister with boundaries.  She can call me for emergency type situations to watch my nephews or whatever but outside of that we don't talk. She is a case for sure.

I've only been Out of the FOG for a few months. But the day it happen was like running into a brick wall. I was still in the fog when it came to her. I called her and told her about NPD and she didn't respond but changed the subject. I soon realized it was her too.

You can't rationalize with them. At all!! She is the type that will draw you in with an argument and go in one big circle.. about this.. then this.. then this.. next thing you know you are back to the beginning.

Oh and gaslighting is one of her specialties.. man is she good at it!!
It makes perfect sense. When you talk about your low days correlating with feelings of frustration i can reflect on that perfectly - the whole 'everything was so perfect' phase passes relatively quickly by comparison, but flashbacks and for want of a better word 'anger' seem to be the things that drag me down. Its an anger at the damage that has been done to me, my life, my work, health, my family and so on, by comparison to her breezing on with everything and a big (fake) smile to all of those around her to whom i've been painted black. But, in context, the future and your happiness in future is so much more valuable - that's their achillies heel. Once you take that control back, on whatever level it may be (it sounds like you've done the best you can) then they have very little to work with.

Someone compared it to being in a boxing match when you've only been boxing for a day and your abuser has been boxing for 18 years - you don't even know the rules nevermind being a strong enough opponent to take them on. They will beat you and break you and ultimately destroy you, unless you throw the gloves off and climb out the ring.
Unchosen Relationships / Re: NOTALICE came up with it first
« Last post by new4me2014 on Today at 03:27:16 PM »
I have a MIL and my husband's aunt that I love to buy cards and gifts for. They get the mushy ones lol.. wonderful women in my life.

I didn't even think about the price issue. I never paid attention before to see if my mother even looked at that! No matter what card I got tho I would get this sad eye, crooked smile and she would tilt her head and come at me with open arms.. then say my name long and drawn out and hug me. Very dramatic like. Or she would gasp loudly and cover her mouth.. IDK it was all just so fake.

And LORD if she sent you a card.. you had better respond immediately or it would be hell fire and brimstone!!
Unchosen Relationships / Re: Raising a child with PD parent
« Last post by sandpiper on Today at 03:27:09 PM »
Sometimes it can be very triggering when someone from the parenting/partners board moves over here.
Most of our parents were a matching set of complementary dysfunction and I know for myself sometimes I just can't read the parent's posts because while my Dad was the uBPD, my mother - who fit into the 'normal/non' bracket - was so blind to her own dysfunction that it was her behaviour that made life really, really hard.

So my advice would be, if someone suggests that there's an issue you need to work on, listen - because they've probably seen the same thing in their own parent & however hard it may be to hear that your own stuff needs to be worked on, someone is saying that because they wish that their own mother had worked on that very same problem.

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