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91
Working on Us / Re: Breakthroughs do happen!
« Last post by biggerfish on Yesterday at 04:42:09 PM »
  I hear my daughter's voice in my head saying,"GIVE YOURSELF A FREAKING BREAK!" It helps!  :like:
Hey Menopause Barbie,

You and I are on the same page. We just keep reminding ourselves. It's so much better to DOOO something than to try to NOT DO something (as in...trying not to self-criticize or ruminate.)
92
Separating & Divorcing / Re: Emotionally Seperated - Living Together
« Last post by lindle on Yesterday at 04:41:26 PM »
NRITH-

I feel pretty much secure with the decision for myself. Guilty for leaving a 70yo man who is so dependent on me (which is a lot of the reason I want to leave anyway!!) I feel so not in control of my own life and I want to make myself happy.
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Hi ANL,

We have a similar distance between homes, and BM moved the kids to a school that was 25-30 minutes each way from us- on top of the crazy distances DH had to drive to take the kids to activities...so 40 minutes doesn't seem like the end of the world- it sucks...but it's doable.  We live where we are because of the school BM chose (after unilaterally changing the kids' school), and she moved across the county and the distance was a hardship on her...so the PC let her change the schools AGAIN- so DH was stuck with the driving.  We calculating the driving for DH's week against BM's week- something like she would drive...30 miles total and DH would drive over 200 miles (WITH the kids in the car...that didn't include the trips to/from school when the kids weren't with him).

I don't think a judge is going to think that much of it to be honest- there are larger fish to fry in custody situations.

Just my 2 cents!
94
Working on Us / Re: Breakthroughs do happen!
« Last post by biggerfish on Yesterday at 04:40:03 PM »
What a breakthrough!  Congratulations!  I am much like you it sounds like, so Thanks for sharing, it is helpful.  What is the name of the book?

SS
The book just arrived today. It's called "The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself...Self-Compassion" by Kristin Neff, Ph.D.
95
Dealing with PD Elderly Family Members / Re: Silence is Bliss
« Last post by Amadahy on Yesterday at 04:39:40 PM »
Bless your heart.  I am celebrating with and for you!!   :applause:
96
Common Behaviors / Re: Any experience with NPD's and funerals?
« Last post by SPinSC on Yesterday at 04:29:23 PM »
NotFooledAnymore, how did it go? Was your husband's family able to restrain NarcMIL from causing you and YOUR family pain?

I'm so sorry to hear that your father had passed. I'm even more sorry that your MIL thought she had to attend.

If I'd seen this sooner, I might have suggested requesting that the funeral home have one service for 'immediate family only' and a viewing before or a gathering after as you and your family saw fit. It can't keep ALL the narcs out, but it can help when you know which ones to target.

Anyway, I hope that you've been allowed to have your grieving process as YOU need it to be. HUGS to you and yours.
97
Separating & Divorcing / Feeling scared, moving up my move-out date
« Last post by moondance on Yesterday at 04:25:44 PM »
      We were supposed to be moving March 15 but after what happened today I think I'm going to go on March 1st, the apt. is available I just have to scramble to get the sec. deposit and rent together.  He has been very cooperative and even pleasant about this move, has told me its what he wants. He can't wait to start his new life without me.  Everyone told me the other shoe would drop and it has.  He started verbally attacking me the minute I walked in the door loaded down with moving boxes.  Started blaming me for the demise of the marriage, said I've dragged his name through the mud with all our friends and family, how He tried so hard and I never cared, how abusive I've been.  I tried to reason with him and lost it crying and yelling. Asked him what other woman would've stayed and put up with his crap for almost 30 years, helping him through 2 suicide attempts, depression, ptsd, and the insanity of his whole alien abduction beliefs.  He scared our daughter with his ridiculous story of how he thinks she had an alien experience too.  He brought up the night he had a psychotic break when the kids were little. He had always agreed with me that it was, indeed a break with reality. Now he tells me that it was real, he really did see howling, demonic wolves circling our house that night and that he picked up our little girl (2 or 3 at the time) and asked her if she saw them too, and because she said she did he thinks that proves it was real and that she also believed it. Oh my God! Who does that to a child!  I'm so angry about this, and feel terrible that I never knew that story. Of course, he could be making that part up or rewriting history as he is so good at.   Then he says the alien abductions are still going on and if I would just let him explain the details he knows I would believe him.  I've been very sympathetic with him about this issue, I know he must feel scared, but I just can't lie and tell him I believe it too; and for that he says I've betrayed him and been disloyal.  At one point I was yelling at him to get out of my face and trying to close the bedroom door while he had his foot against the door so he could keep up his insane, enraged lecture. I finally got the door shut and locked and he continued to stand outside the door droning on and on with his accusations while I'm in the bedroom sobbing for him to just leave me alone.
    So-o-o, I'm thinking that as crazy stressful as it will be I should get out as soon as I can. The place is available immediately so if we just take our necessities, personal items and beds we can go and then come back as needed to pack up other stuff. Even if I need to take a friend or relative with me everytime I go back.   The problem is my 16 year old son who doesn't see the urgency because he's not been a target as my daughter and I  have. So I decide I should fill him in on the alien stuff so he won't be flabbergasted when his Dad inevitably tells him about it. It was actually kind of funny, he had this real blasť look on his face like 'yeah yeah what's the big deal". So I said "did you know about this?"  And he says , "yeah Dad told me awhile ago, but I'm not scared about it like you and (his sister) are."  Well I'm glad he's not freaked out but I was really curious if he believed him or not and he goes, "Oh no, I don't believe it, it's definitely a sign of mental illness though."  I wish I could be as calm and collected as he is.  So we shall see what happens. I'm asking my daughter tonight if she can handle leaving sooner than we planned. I really feel like we need to.
98
Dealing with PD In-Laws / Re: Pretty much done
« Last post by Broken heart on Yesterday at 04:25:25 PM »
Thank you for your words. I've been through a lot. I know he has too. I just dont know if I can hold on much longer. The part I didnt mention was his fathers one year memorial. One or both of the bil invited the guy that assaulted me. Then mil said to H "that happened sooo long ago. She should get over it!" That was 5 months ago. H told her to politely fuck off but then goes back into the FOG. We have been to 4 different counsellors and the last one I once again set up the sessions. It quickly turned into attempts at mediation with his family. It was set up and ready but they all had their excuses not to go. He still wants to have a meeting with them. His family has been hoovering HARD and his brother (irish twin) has even gone as far as to stalk him on social media. Its been absolute hell. We argue all the time because of them. Our children have been affected horribly and he has neglected us all. I have basically been asked to do a HUGE rug sweep and I just cant this time.
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Dealing with PD In-Laws / Re: Pretty much done
« Last post by jezebel22 on Yesterday at 04:18:13 PM »
Im so sorry to hear what you are going through.  I don't have any advice or words but i know how callous PD'd families can be.  I can smell the entitlement from your description of their behavior.  Don't let them take your last bit of hope.  Thats what they want..to take everything from others so that they are left the best, highest, smartest, etc whatever...

plus he may be salvageable.  My husband has N traits for sure (enmeshed N foo too).  Perhaps his family put him through a lot of pain growing up and you can help him see how it affected him and shaped him today for your own children.  In my experience it has been hard for him to hear how awful his family is.  Everyone feels protective of their FOO so I have to speak extremely delicately about them or he shuts off.  A marriage counselor has helped us because they act as a springboard for things that are difficult for me to bring up.  That way my h won't blow up when I try to speak up which was curtailing our progress on our own at home. 
100
Thank you everyone, this makes a lot of sense to me now.

I'm not failing to call my mother and sometimes "ignoring" her messages to punish her. My M doesn't think I should need any self-care because I'm not elderly, so to her it probably feels like punishment. But that's not what I intend. I don't want to punish her. I don't want to hurt her or get back to her.  I want to have peace and to live my own life without the black cloud of her bottomless pit of need following me around and informing my life choices.

So, it sounds like I'm not actually giving her the silent treatment - whew.
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