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91
Separating & Divorcing / Re: H's Birthday
« Last post by Oneness on Today at 03:02:33 PM »
Oh yeah, and because he knows I'm nervous about going to a T, he keeps asking me to come to one of his appointments. He says it's so I can see for myself what it's all about, because he's worried that I'm depressed.

Maybe I'm paranoid, but I feel like it would be a way to ambush me. To prove to her that it's all my fault, or to have her try to fix things. To launch an attack and show how defensive I get. How does he still have so much power to make me crazy?!?!?

As a dear friend from this board keeps telling me...don't give up your power. Don't go to his T with him. Practice Medium Chill, or he will continue to suck the life out of you. You can do this...
92
Separating & Divorcing / Re: H's Birthday
« Last post by blunk on Today at 02:59:17 PM »
Oh yeah, and because he knows I'm nervous about going to a T, he keeps asking me to come to one of his appointments. He says it's so I can see for myself what it's all about, because he's worried that I'm depressed.

Maybe I'm paranoid, but I feel like it would be a way to ambush me. To prove to her that it's all my fault, or to have her try to fix things. To launch an attack and show how defensive I get. How does he still have so much power to make me crazy?!?!?
93
Separating & Divorcing / Re: phones and emails - PTSD???
« Last post by atticusfinch on Today at 02:59:08 PM »
Oops, misha, sorry.  I just read that you are NC.  I think it just takes time to overcome the old triggers.  Your body has to gradually learn that it is now "safe."  I have tried to tell a friend this.  Sometimes my triggers aren't always something I can just overcome with logic.  It takes time to make new associations-- it triggers something really primal and fight-or-flight inside me that defies logic.

Thinking of you.  Hang in there.
94
Thank you, CoffeeFiend. He has never been physically violent or thrown things or any of that, although on one occasion I did feel seriously threatened. For that reason, I have made up my mind that if he shows up at my door and I'm alone, I will not let him in.
I am not too worried about him as that sort of threat... but I am aware that he is capable of much more than he has revealed.
(I'm not alone with him at work, either.)
He has accountability in the form of other employees, who know that we're separating, a counselor whom we've both seen (I've been going for months, but spouse is now meeting with him weekly.) And, lastly but certainly far from least... he is extremely invested in maintaining the image of a "good guy" and not tarnishing his reputation or harming his biz.  Also, the police station is very nearby  :wacko: So I'm not on pins and needles, but also know better than to grow complacent.   
Thanks again! And I am SO so so glad for you that you got out!!
95
Chosen Relationships / Re: Screw it, I am just going to block his number
« Last post by KF85 on Today at 02:56:55 PM »
The best is that "in his mind I owe him" so there's basically nothing he can do until I make it up to him in terms of how he thinks of me. Is the point I think.

He really is truly delusional. SO so delusional.
96
Separating & Divorcing / Re: phones and emails - PTSD???
« Last post by atticusfinch on Today at 02:56:38 PM »
Yes, I would say that it is.  And it is really common for people in our situation to have PTSD in this way. 

I took a class at the shelter and got some good recommendations in dealing with this.  If you don't have kids with your ex, block his phone and email.  If you have to have contact with him, there are ways to help.  I set up a separate email account just dedicated to my ex-NPD, and told him I'll send him an email once a week about the kids, then I'll check it 24 hours later in case I need to respond.  Then I don't need to check it again.  That way, I don't get anxiety every time I open my email!  And I have more control over when I open my other account.  I also don't take calls from my ex (I have a PO, but you can do this even if you don't), just text or email only.  There are websites such as Our Family Wizard that allow you to communicate and it is monitored, so some PDs will ratchet down the crap a bit. :)

I definitely think it is PTSD.  Hang in there!  I have found with months of being away from my ex and not having him be allowed to call me it has helped a lot.  Not to say that I don't still have plenty of other triggers that don't pop up at times!
97
Chosen Relationships / Re: Screw it, I am just going to block his number
« Last post by Oneness on Today at 02:53:59 PM »
 :aaauuugh:  You owe him? Had you treated him better? You should not be appreciated?  :stars:

What planet is he from.....? There would never be enough you could do for him to ever appreciate you, even though you did almost eveything but wipe his ass!
98
OMG StillStanding, h always said that too...that his mom liked me better than him! The first time he said it I took it as a joke, because I did get along well with his mother. But after a while he would start to get agitated when he said it.
99
Separating & Divorcing / Re: Venting--met NPDexbf's new gf
« Last post by mischa1 on Today at 02:50:19 PM »
Please please block him.  My stbxh i suspect NPD(undiagnosed).  His ex that he NEVER shuts up about was BPD diagnosed.   Of course I know the truth about the whole situation now that he is just as sick as her.  BUT it is so volatile and extremely violent.  To top it off they are both alcoholics.  She put him in the hospital on life support for a month, tried to stab him multiple times.  She claims he raped her, hit her, broke her things.  Who know what really happened.  All I know is she would not leave him alone the whole time we were dating/engaged and he just wanted her to go away and she refused.  Called us all hours of the day and night, called his work, got him fired actually.  It was so bad.  I felt so sorry for him having to put up with her not going away for so long.  Supposedly 4-5 months when we met (LIE - they were still together when I met stbxh)  As soon as we were married.  I mean to the day he did NOTHING but talk non stop about her and give me graphic sexual details, obsess about her to me, make me look at her pictures on his ipad for hours it was so damn sick.  Things that she claimed he did to her were happening now to me. 


Stay far far away.  I'm so sorry for that poor kid but there is nothing you can do to help and they will drag you into their mess.  If you think your mess with him was bad wait until you see what happens when 2 get together.  Please stay safe.  :::hugz:::
100
flower essence,  what a good point, we still have peace in our homes.  I know some days really stink and so it's good to remind yourself of the positive.  Today I was making dinner and had my radio on and was having a really happy moment.  I thought back, my ex used to shut off my music immediately.  And any time I was happy he felt the need to do something to make me angry or sad-- it's like he couldn't stand to see me happy.  So at least that is back in my control too!

I have a friend that is also divorcing a guy with NPD.  Her guy has NPD and schizophrenia and it is really scary.  He has been doing some crazy things and her kids are afraid to be with him.  She stayed close to his family at first (even though they didn't understand why she was leaving him), but they have gotten really mean to her lately.  Instead of accepting that he has a problem, they have instead focused on HER, insisting that his crazy behavior is all due to the fact that he is so upset about her leaving him!  She wrote them a letter telling them that he acted that way all through their marriage (but of course they didn't see it-- it was behind closed doors!) and that he was mentally ill.  Obviously they are really enabling him.  I was proud of her for standing up to them and saying it like it is.  It is so hard, though, isn't it?  I can't have contact with anyone who isn't supportive, as painful as it is to be away from some loved ones, because I'm just not strong enough! 

I too found out the hard way that the protective order and supervised visitation, instead of sending a message I wouldn't tolerate certain behavior, just made my ex get extra vindictive.  I'm 90% sure my ex is insistent on extra time with the kids as a way of payback for that time and as a way of easing his narcissistic injury (he wants to prove that he was wronged to people who knew he had to be supervised when with his kids).  It stinks.  I agree. 

You too, girl!  Hang tough!  You can do this!  Email me every day if you need to if it helps!  :)

Deb2, it is so disturbing when you find that out, isn't it?  This person doesn't see me as a human being.  I've decided that just because my ex doesn't see me as a human doesn't mean I have to see me that way.  I can communicate my high regard for myself by how I stop allowing him to take advantage of me. :)
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