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Welcome to OOTF
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Dealing with PD Parents / Re: Peace over PD parents.
« Last post by practical on Yesterday at 03:39:54 PM »
I'm so happy for you!  :hug: This is a major step!

For me I reached this place when I realized: It was never about me. I was simply in the wrong place at the wrong time, simply was born to parents who were unable to be parents. It was so liberating to realize I did nothing wrong, and there was nothing I could have ever done to make it right and I didn't deserve any of it, not the lack of unconditional love nor any of the drama, chaos, FOG et cetera. Now instead of  focusing on the past, trying to make sense out of it, I'm free to focus on the future, on how to grow, make sure I don't repeat any of the old patterns, iron out some fleas and learn to simply be myself.

Strange coincident I only saw this post today, because last night I thought of my M and felt sad for her and for F too, because neither of them was able to ever experience unconditional love, not because they didn't get it from their children, but they could not process it emotionally, as if they were "lactose" intolerant to that feeling. (I don't know about their childhoods, I think they had average parents for their time, and both came from close knit families.)
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Separating & Divorcing / Re: hhaw update
« Last post by chocolateraspberry on Yesterday at 03:29:56 PM »
Hhaw, I understand if you dont wish to answer this, but arent you in Australia? Just curious for jurisdictional reasons.
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Hi!
In my opinion, yes. Say how sorry and how happy for your sibling you are and then you have the choice between being very honest about your concern for your mental health or "just" decline because of reasons which will be well understood by the majority of people (no money, no time off from work...)
As you describe it, not going seems to be the right choice.

By the way I don't understand GC and having fleas. Still struggling with the abbreviations and special psychological terms here.
<-- me: just (sometimes) stupid German OOTF beginner.  ::) :)
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Hi everyone,

I would love any tips and guidance since I am new to the PD world. My son since his senior year of high school has self destructed. He barely graduated, failed out of two colleges, the second of which was a community college, has not kept a job for more than 3 months, is abusing drugs: Codeine, prescription, mariajuana and God know what else. He has always been a compulsive liar and manipulator, but is very charming and personable as well. He was never a mean or nasty kid to me or his family, just completely disconnected. He doesn't have relationships with his siblings really ( an older sister and younger sibling), he has always been pretty checked out from most things in life. He moved 6 states away with my mother and anti-social and alcoholic brother, he argues with constantly. He has had one run in with the law - as a teenager he threw an egg at someone walking in the street with him and his silly friends while they were driving in a car.  He did community service and it was whipped off his record. Anyhow, at this point he doesn't want to come home to live with my husband and I and little brother, we told him we would help him but that he had to start drug treatment and get evaluated for PD. His biological father is a schizophrenic and he met him his senior year of high school, my husband has raised him since the age of 3 and adopted him when he was 9. I have deep fears that I will get a call at night telling me the worst, I fear for his life and my sanity. I cry everyday, and am looking into therapy now that I know this may be something that is long term. How do people cope? How do you move forward with the day, everyday? I try to have rationale and logical conversations with him and its like talking to a 12 year old boy, his responses are always "Im not in danger" Im not abusing drugs" "I am going to find a job and start school in a few months" I mentioned to him about getting an evaluation and about antisocial disorder and he was like maybe I'll look into it. What does that mean? I just can't seem to move on in my life, its like my body physically is evaded by an alien of sadness and helplessness. I do workout often, I do kickboxing and yoga and it helps, but not with the bursts of sadness throughout the day. Anyhow, I would love insight and support from those of you who are struggling with similar issues. My apologies for possible editing issues of this post, I don't feel like re-reading this as even reading my own words about my son is painful.  Thank you kindly in advance.
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Chosen Relationships / Re: confused, not sure what to do or where to turn
« Last post by DrEm on Yesterday at 03:20:06 PM »
You need to take care of yourself now. I don't mean that lightly. You need to nurture yourself like you would nurture someone else you love who was hurting.
I'm in a situation similar to confused panther's. The way you put this stopped me in my tracks. Thank you. "Take care of yourself," sadly, as you insinuated, is something that has to be spelled out for those of us who only know how to care for others.
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Dealing with PD Siblings and other Family Members / Re: No one to talk to.
« Last post by Karelu on Yesterday at 03:17:49 PM »
AncientSoul, you mention that your nieces and nephews all have good jobs.  Would you be willing to consider having a conversation with your oldest niece about needing to collect rent on your rental home because you're living on a limited budget and your savings are depleted?  I realize that would be a difficult conversation to have at this point, but it would be a start to moving in a direction to bring in income again (either via her or some other person who is looking for a place to rent).  It would probably be better to rent to a non-family member, anyway, if your sister keeps initiating unnecessary upgrades at your expense.  If your niece decided to stay, you might want to draw up a contract that forbids upgrades without your approval, then you have legal recourse if your sister continues doing what she's doing.  As a matter of fact, regardless of whether or not you decide to charge rent, you may want to consider drawing up a rental agreement with such a clause.

I'm sorry you're suffering and feeling so alone.  Your sister sounds awful.  From what you've shared with us, you sound like a very kind, generous person.  And you definitely sound like you are far from worthless.
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Got invited to a sibling's wedding, Nparent will be there. Sibling does not recognize parent as being an Nparent because they are the GC and have fleas as well. Other parent is a substance abuser and will likely be using on the day of the wedding and be a "no show." The rest of the extended family is people I do not get along with (also abusers) and I won't know anyone else at the wedding aside from my toxic family. All around, it's an ugly situation that I want no part of.

Aside from being used as an emotoinal punching bag by the Nparent and other relatives at said wedding, I also do not have enough money to attend can't afford the flight/lodging/time off from work, etc. But above allm I'm just not really interesting in going. I'm happy for my sibling, but weddings are not my thing and weddings in which I have to watch an Nparent act like a total shithead and/or abuse me in front of strangers is definitely NOT my thing.

I'm still getting used to standing up to my abusers, so thinking of myself and my wishes first is a very new thing to me. Do I just confidently decline the invitation and send a gift?
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I went no contact with my elderly narcissistic mother a year ago. My mother is a gossip and has no empathy. I started reading about narcissistic personality a couple of years ago and for the first time in my life I understood why my mother is the way she is. It's been heart breaking for me. I've lost many nights of sleep and have cried my eyes out. Not once in the last year has my mom tried to mend our relationship. I grew up in an abusive home with a alcoholic father and a mother who was codependent of my father. I have a older brother and a younger sister who passed away sixteen years ago. My mother quickly gathered all extended family and ran a smear campaign against me. My children and my husband support my decision and they understand. However, there are people who want me to feel bad about this. I pray for my mother every night. She loves pity and does what she can to get it. I've been fighting skin cancer for the last year and have been through chemo, biopsies and I've had three surgeries with more to come. I finally sent my mom a message several months ago and told her I had been sick but I still didn't get any love from her. My cancer is gone thank goodness. I am now having surgeries to repair the damage. I feel broken on the inside and out. No child should have to beg for their mother to love them but that's all I want. I've been there for my mom over and over again and she's never been there for me. At least I learned to be a better mom by not being anything like her. My children are grown and I love them.  Hopefully this will get better. It's nice to know I'm not alone and there are other people going through this. Bless you all!
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Dealing with PD Parents / Re: Parental Competitiveness
« Last post by all4peace on Yesterday at 02:49:59 PM »
A thread by Spinoza reminded me of an old memory. Not only did I remember the time that mom bought my boyfriend or new husband (can't remember the exact year) a pair of silky boxers for a gift. Say what?! Oddly, at the time, I didn't realize how truly inappropriate this was. Total double standards, as she could do that but would have been outraged if my dad ever bought my SIL a bra, for example.

I had 2 close friends in high school. Once our family had a water outing and my friend was invited along. She was a little bit friendly and maybe even a little flirty with my dad that day, in her bikini. My mom was seeing red, steam coming out her ears, and I was not allowed to have that friend to our home again, ever. Of course if my brother's friends had been very friendly with mom, that would have been wonderful! 

As my kids become the ages I was when things got very bad between me and my mom, these memories keep coming back. Our bodies age while they grow into beautiful young adults. It's the normal cycle of life. I feel so sad and disgusted that my mom treated it as another way to compete and subdue.
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