Recent posts

#91

Friends, Neighbors, Acquaintances and Coworkers / Re: Setting boundaries with BP...

Last post by acupofcoffeeisallineed - April 21, 2024, 10:47:08 PM

First of all Welcome! Take a look at the Toolbox, you will find some useful strategies there you can implement when dealing with the PD in your life.

You sound like you have a healthy approach to this difficult friend. You are right, you don't have to get into conflict resolution talks, just because the other person pushes. In your experience these talks have not resolved the conflict in a satisfactory manner for both sides but rather have given your friend an opportunity to berate you. Why should you stick around for that?  It's better to allow your friend to deal with her frustrations herself.

The boundary you can set is pretty much what you are doing now. You can avoid having the talks altogether by not getting into a situation where she can force it on you. Or you can agree to having a conversation and set the framework beforehand- something like, we can talk as long as we both remain calm and polite and we both can speak in turn. You can put a time limit on how long you are willing to listen. However, you must be prepared to then walk away if your boundaries are not respected or ridiculed.

Ask yourself- is this friend important enough for you to get into such a talk with her? Does she bring enough good into your life for you to want to have her in your life?

I recently pulled away from a friend who would talk 90% of the time we spent together. I rarely was allowed to finish a sentence before she cut in again. I tend to listen more and talk less normally, but with her I started to resent the way she treated me. And she had the right solution for all my problems and knew better than I what I should do. So I did a fade-away.

As others in this group are important to you, I would attempt to strengthen the bonds with others from the friendship group, people who are easier to get along with. And I would put effort into expanding my social circle outside this group too.

I think you are doing the right thing, not to talk about her with others, gossiping about others can make us feel connected but often leaves a bad taste. However, you might find that others have similar experiences with this person.

Maybe your best bet would be to medium chill it with her until September.

Hi notrightinthehead, I wanted to sincerely thank you for your thoughtful reply, I really appreciate it. I had a look at the Toolbox that you had suggested too, thank you for that.

It is nice to have validation that I am already undergoing with setting boundaries by not having these talks altogether with this friend. My mental health is not that great and when I have had these talks/check ins with my friend it just feels like my mental health plummets even more.

I think that is a good question to ask - whether the friendship is important to me or not. It is important to me for us to remain friends but not important to me for us to be close friends. I mentally demoted her and am happy with us being less close friends.

It is understandable that you pulled away from that friend, it sounds like it was emotionally draining for you. It seems like a fade away was the right approach to take.

I will strengthen my bonds wit other friends in this group and outside of this group. And I agree that medium chill until she leaves is the best approach.

I am wondering if she asks to have a talk again (which is likely) should I be direct and tell her that I do not have capacity for indepth conversations at all? Recently when she has asked for these talks/check ins what I have been doing is telling her that I currently dont have capacity due to work and study but will let her know when that changes. I am thinking maybe I have to tell her that this is not going to change for me. I am wondering as well if I should wait for her to ask me for this talk again or be the one to initiate that boundary clearly. She usually asks me for these talks or check ins on our friendship via text. I am happy to keep blaming my lack of capacity, I dont have the energy to be honest with her about her behaviour.

#92

Working on Us / Re: The toll of chronic invali...

Last post by Invisiblewoman - April 21, 2024, 10:31:53 PM

Treesgrowslowly and Loverofpeace,

I want to thank both of you for your validating replies. It means everything towards my steps towards healing.

I've been no contact 1 year now and I feel I can't go back because I will be sucked back in, and I think in all honesty my risk for harm is high.


I noticed one thing about recovery from PTSD and Cptsd is that memories can come and go, and at certain points you may focus on one part of your memory, like your mind has brought up some old memory because you're more ready to handle it emotionally.

If I examine negative patterns of the  past I'll be better equipped to avoid them in the future.

#93

Chosen Relationships / Re: Question about Malintent

Last post by sunshine702 - April 21, 2024, 09:55:32 PM

I could have written those exact words.  Down to the feeling used moment.

So I left. I think he has BPD and a weep at how toxic we are. 

I move in to me new apt Wed.  I am taking some solace in that it was always broken.  I was loyal but it was not enough.  His brain chemistry says I am bad. 

Leaving is one of the most painful things I have ever done.  It's like my skin is off now. 

#94

Chosen Relationships / Re: Question about Malintent

Last post by sunshine702 - April 21, 2024, 09:44:32 PM

Thank you for the reply, much appreciated. I am not exactly new to the subject i have been educating myself over the past year and a half. Im am new to this community. Its great to have resources like this but on the flip side i wish i didnt know about any of this. Npd, pd, bpd were things i knew nothing about. I mean we all have our issues myself included but this is a whole other dimension. I was naive plus my previous relationships were not healthy either. I have never know what it was like to have a healthy committed relationship before. The reason this all became apparent was because i wanted to improve myself(which admittedly i needed) and my relationship. This is where i realized a lot about myself and what i really wanted in a relationship. I stopped drinking the cool aid so to speak and put my best foot forward. Right now i need to focus my attention on myself because i am obsessing on this and it isn't healthy. Thing is i dont want another decade to pass me by to be in the same situation. I am loyal and committed and never give up on someone i love but it feels like it wouldn't be reciprocated if push comes to shove. Trauma is a hell of a thing but i wouldn't know about it because i was loved and felt safe as a child.

I could have written these EXACT words.  And yes this is my 2nd mental illness relationship too.  My first was NPD and this is BPD. My life with NPD mom set me up for this.

You feel used because it is happening.  Subtly but happening.

How are you doing?  Are you sleeeping? Are you eating?

#95

Chosen Relationships / Re: Dealing with "Rudeness"

Last post by sunshine702 - April 21, 2024, 08:42:17 PM

This is emotional abuse.  We are being abused every single day.

https://www.choosingtherapy.com/bpd-ends-a-relationship/

#96

Separating & Divorcing / Re: 4 months of no contact and...

Last post by sunshine702 - April 21, 2024, 08:24:48 PM

Oh my goodness yes.  Every other breakup I have had has been about something. 

This seems about nothing.  Borderline is such a weird thing!  Or I guess the fundamental about us and us sucks.  It's abusive and not fun.

Even my Narc ex left with someone so there was that.  It took me a decade to fully understand that I was a placeholder and the relationship was real for me but not for him

#97

Common Behaviors / Re: Out the door “I was lookin...

Last post by Invisiblewoman - April 21, 2024, 07:23:45 PM

My brother used to do something similar. He would always promise things that he had actually hurt me with before.

Recently he told me he was buying me a house. This is the same man who stole all my possessions, after lying about helping me move, and forced me to move to a homeless shelter.

Just remember if it sounds like a dream come true, it's a lie.

#98

Dealing with PD In-Laws / Re: He gets it from his mom!

Last post by sunshine702 - April 21, 2024, 07:19:04 PM

Although with my attachment style I feel like a I am in the world with suddenly no skin.  It is honestly painful.  My nervous system is shaking and in pain.  For Anxious attachment this is honestly like a death-  which is why endured the abuse and reading my posts here — this is abuse loving partners comfort the oh honeys as I say not the rages.

Once I get to that apartment I know I can take care of myself. It's not going to look super glamour but like me eating.  Soft things right know.  I am doing it

#99

Chosen Relationships / Re: Question about Malintent

Last post by square - April 21, 2024, 05:37:34 PM

Wishing you strength and peace.

#100

Dealing with PD Siblings and other Family Members / Re: NPD Father made NPD Sister...

Last post by Wildfire - April 21, 2024, 05:36:30 PM

I am in Tennessee.  My mother and my stepdad are "flying monkeys" as is my father.  My sister (NPD)is very scary and has rage issues. The entire family is afraid of her. They lived here for years and I lived a couple states away. My adult kids and I (I am 57 but no grandkids) wanted to move closer to my mom and dad so we could help care for them and spend whatever time they have left all together. They welcomed us wholeheartedly but over the past few years we have realized that they are extremely enmeshed and cultish. We all live within a 15 mile radius and yet we are not privy to secrets (such as both my nieces getting married) or gatherings that are for only them-the "inner circle". If I find out about a gathering or event that we are not invited to I bring it up to my mom but she just says "talk to your sister I don't make these decisions". My sister does not communicate well and usually just says "we" do this every year or "we" just thought you wouldn't want to go, etc.  Then she goes on a mission to find out who told me so she can scream and threaten them.  My kids have no idea how to deal with this. When I bring it up to my dad he defends my sister and does not believe she would do anything like that.  That is because she is super sweet to my dad because of the money he has and the will.   She lives in a huge house that I have just found out was bought and paid for by my dad and she gives her a large monthly allowance so she doesn't have to work because she has lupus. He has bought my nieces and there kids college tuitions, cars and furniture but has never offered my kids anything.   I had no idea all of this was going on because I didn't have the mobility to visit very often.  I am floored.  I always was told that my mom and dad were going to split our inheritance equally but now I know that is not the case. 

I hate to have to get an attorney (it will cause WW3) to make sure everything is done according to his will but I feel my future which will almost assuredly be in an assisted living facility will not be possible because I won't be able to afford it.  My neice has confided in me that my mother has changed her will to just include my sister and her family.  My mom and I had always been close but when I asked my mom about this she just said that it was not appropriate for me to ask.

I knew my sister has always been narcissistic and unhinged, but I had no idea she could be so back stabbing and manipulative. I am floored.