Out of the FOG Banner
Home About Us Disorders Traits Toolbox Books Links Glossary Acronyms In An Emergency
Support Forum Private Messages Guidelines Disclaimer Members Support Out of the FOG

Recent Posts

Pages: 1 ... 8 9 [10]
I guess I will never know, and it's still so very difficult for me to wrap  my head around...but I would love to know why do they either want to get away with as much as possible, or do as little as possible? It's like a double avoidance, and I just don't get it, I don't understand that thought process...I don't know why someone would be that way, and I can't see that they can feel good about themselves...because it accomplishes nothing. 
Separating & Divorcing / Re: I don't know what to do
« Last post by blunk on Today at 08:35:19 AM »
H stopped over this morning to do laundry. He told me that he told his T about the dog thing. She told him it was the equivalent of a tantrum and asked if he threw himself on the floor and kicked and punched the floor too. I couldn't help but laugh out loud.

Just thought I'd share my amusement  ;D
Chosen Relationships / Re: And this is his story...MY Narcissist.
« Last post by muldoon on Today at 08:32:59 AM »
My kids are split, I have two people pleasers... :aaauuugh:
1 you scratch my back I scratch yours and one who is as unreasonable as him.
yes his fault...but mine also. I allowed it. I sanctioned it by being a weak fool
he had occasionally disappeared for a night but on the four occasions we split 3 of them were initiated by me as a way of teaching him a lesson., he would be indifferent and I would lose my nerve and make the first move back after a couple of days.
5 yrs ago I had a guts full a week before Xmas, was sure he was 'at it' with some woman or other, I threw him out and went NC, worst xmas ever had...knowing he was with someone else laughing and smug while me and the kids were rocked.
Come the New Year I was outraged so I went to a solicitor and served him papers...I insisted all contact was via the solicitor..
First he tried to make me feel bad, he came to talk, sat there and squeezed a tear out, I ignored it and sent him packing...In all NC was maintained over Xmas and new year for 9 weeks...he even didnt see our daughter on her birthday because I would not break the plans already made.
When he was allowed back he was always testing the boundaries and as long as I repeated that it was no longer to be part of my life and if that meant him not being here so be it, the sulking was hours not days/weeks. The rage was not so vindictive and less...
BUT and this is the BUT>>>>The minute he knew I was dependant on him, loved him as before the boundaries slipped in the 5th year...this year......I had forgotten how awful it was, I forgot how viscous he could be, how protracted the misery of the house would be, how everyone was affected...back to the eggshell walking.
Common Behaviors / Re: Presents - NPD style
« Last post by muldoon on Today at 08:19:07 AM »
7 years I had candles, birthdays mothers day candles...
He got better after I instigated proceedings 5 years ago and he did get me some good presents...wonder where that influence came from.
Chosen Relationships / Re: Mother-enmeshed men
« Last post by IDK on Today at 08:09:44 AM »
Nana, twelve years is a long time to have your MIL living with you.  I couldn't do that and I wouldn't do that.

When my FIL was dying he asked my husband to "take care" of his mother.  I'm pretty sure my FIL wanted my husband to become her enabler. 

At first my husband was struck with guilt if she sounded unhappy.  He never had any sort of relationship with his mother.  He always put her on me, despite me being against it.  I was her scapegoat.

I not so graciously excepted this role, but in time I had had enough.  The way I handled it, was that I sat my husband down and told him I was done with his mother.  If he thought that she needed to stay with us a few days, he had to be by her side night and day.  His mother, his problem, not mine.

I began to stand up for myself and reclaim my role of being "queen of my castle."  My NMIL assumed she could waltz into my home and gain control of my husband, my children and the goings on of my home. 

If she didn't get her way, she would tell my husband......."if your father would be alive, he would be so upset with you for making me upset.  He left you in charge."

What an awful thing to say to your adult child.  And what an awful burden to put upon your adult child before dying!

I told my husband that his father should not have put this mess and the mess he allowed to take place in his home on us.

Once my husband had the privilege of looking after his mother, he saw first hand what I had been going through for over thirty years.  It got so bad between the two of them that she is no longer welcome in my home. 

The best part of all this is, he made the decision that she couldn't come for weekend visits, not me. 

So, my advice to you is this.......reclaim you castle by putting all your MILs needs where it should be, with your husband.  He would have to do her laundry, take her where she needs to go, entertain her, cook for her, etc.  How long do you think that will last?

Concerning your children.......the Toolbox has some new information on discussing PDs with children.  Age appropriate information about PDs.  That will help you handle this situation when it comes to your kids.

Our marriage was rocky for a while until he let the guilt of all this go.  His brother also gave him this advice concerning his relationships and his mother..........."at the end of the day, you sleep with your wife, not your mother.  That's how you choose."

Btw, my NMIL wanted us to put her on our cell phone plan..........that didn't happen.
Day 6 of no contact, initially he was belligerent and indifferent, acting like he was the injured party, our sole conversations regarding our daughter has ended with him bawling at me and calling me a control freak, accusing me of bullying him for the love of GOD
Anyway, today I had to initiate contact as my daughter had a party so would not be  going out with him at the arranged time.
I was brusque and business like and delivered my message like a robot. he was crying....and he said it was killing him, he never wanted to be away form the family, he would be back in a shot blah blah.
I told him where we were was a direct consequence of his selfish self serving behaviour...he accused me of being hard, which I hated cos it is so far from the truth. I told him I had to evolve to his hostility and to accept that he could never love me or care for me in the way I needed. I told him he should be happy that he was finally living the bachelor life he had claimed to be living on the swinger sites. I END CALL.

Come home to get all three older kids sending me the same text. and here it is.

'm sorry how things have turned out for us all. I never meant for any of it. I wish it was all so different. I'm also sorry that life living with me was sometimes trying and u all probably seen things you shouldn't have. Looking back I thought I was doing right by u all but perhaps I wad selfish. Forgive me please as I knew no better. I tried my best by you all and I am sorry that I failed. I love you all always and am here for you all.

Now bear in  mind he has never sent anything like that to them before, nor has he ever acknowledged wrong doing, that only two days before he was screaming like a maniac and sending the kids vile texts to pass on to me.
I have always chased him, made first contact, been the one to mend arguments regardless of their origin..I think he see's all this shit like a power struggle.
My neighbour saw him earlier and said he looks gaunt and tired...so I guess he didnt secure an adequate source of narcissistic supply wherever he ended up
Chosen Relationships / Re: Mother-enmeshed men
« Last post by Brave_heart on Today at 07:54:32 AM »
Clearhead--thank you for registering and posting. Your insights are great. I'm sorry you went through that experience but glad that your marriage is doing good.
Common Behaviors / Re: Presents - NPD style
« Last post by Findlay on Today at 07:45:57 AM »
My NPDgf absolutely showered me with gifts for the first few months. Christmas was about 2 months in and she bought me some very expensive presents - she made a point several times afterwards of how the sales assistants had said "you must really love this man". My birthday followed and yet again a whole load of very expensive gifts - all during the "love-bombing phase". It got me buying her loads of stuff in return, which I couldn't really afford but felt I had to to compete. Then her gifts started to slowly decline - both in value and imagination, even though I've kept up a steady pace of pretty thoughtful and high quality gifts for her. 15 years on I got some car mats for my birthday!

Turning this around, I've just remembered a Christmas present I gave my NPDgf around 13 years ago - had been dating her for 3 years by then. She has a beautiful long neck, so I thought I'd buy her a choker to show it off. I spent quite a while looking for one, couldn't find anything ready made, so had one custom made at very expensive jewellers, who really knew their business. I ended up with a solid silver Victorian centre piece with  hand-crafted velvet. The lady that made it thought it was exguisite and said how much she would lovwe to be given such a thing. Anyway, Christmas day, when she opened it up she just looked at in in horror and flew into a dreadful rage - only the second I'd experienced by then. She said words to the effect that it looked like I wanted to control her like a dog and told me to take it back and get my money back. It was truly horrific and my parents thought I looked as white as a sheet when we visited them later that day. It still haunts me - anyone else had anything like this? - knowing now about NPD I suppose it fits with things!
Unchosen Relationships / Re: tired of how i feel
« Last post by Brave_heart on Today at 07:45:27 AM »
You might check out ootf's sister site--cptsd.org. Many of those who grew up in dysfunctional situations are suffering from complex-PTSD. They have some great resources and threads for helping you. Ootf focuses on the relationship with the pd.  the sister site is a focus in you.
Pages: 1 ... 8 9 [10]