Recent Posts

Pages: 1 ... 8 9 [10]
Chosen Relationships / Re: Holding it together
« Last post by Ellie307 on Today at 12:05:54 PM »
During the love bombing stage, which lasted about 4 months.
Once his mask slipped, he rarely wore it for more than 24 hours.
Dealing with PD Parents / Re: Dealing with BPD M FOG Vent
« Last post by jennsc85 on Today at 11:44:04 AM »
I feel like I could have written parts of your post myself.

My mother can get very hateful and ragey (is that even a word? I feel like it should be!) but sometimes she's not. And those visits aren't necessarily bad. But I still leave feeling like I can't get away fast enough. "Drained" is the perfect word. I psyche myself up for being around her and I feel like I'm holding my breath the whole time and trying to formulate responses that are appropriately medium chill and mentally calculate how to respond to her demands without causing a blow up argument.

I think in person saying that you'll let her know about things is completely fine. It's hard for me to say "No" in person because then I have to deal with the person! And I don't want to deal with that.

I don't have much advice- others will have more helpful ideas- I just wanted to let you know you're not alone in what you're dealing with or how you feel.
Upswing, I'm sorry for what you're going through. The impending death of a parent is a difficult time, even when (and possibly especially when) that parent has a PD. And especially when that parent has just disinherited you in a cruel, cold and calculated way that was designed to hurt. Yes, it's not about the money. It's your NPD mother taking one last stab at punishing you since she knows she won't be around to do it any more soon. The money is just a tool in her arsenal of weapons.

That said, I agree with your husband, that sending the letter to your mother isn't a good idea. This topic comes up often here, and the general consensus is that it's a good idea to write it, yes, absolutely -- but not to send it to the PD. We have a section of the board called "An unsent letter" where you can post it:

Because writing it will help you -- it allows you to get all those feelings, all that anger, all the suffering, out in the open. But your mother is about to die, she knows it, and she's still treating you like garbage! A letter's not going to make a tad of difference to her.  She's not going to read it and go "Oh, my goodness, Upswing is right, how horrible I've been to her her whole life, I'll start behaving like a real mother should right away and un-disinherit her and make sure she knows how much I love her from now on," or anything like that.

But writing the letter will make a difference to YOU, and it will probably help you a lot, so post it here, where people get it and understand.

BTW, my own father was uNPD and when he passed away I didn't go to see him on his deathbed. He had four children and NONE of us went to see him on his death bed, and none of us were sad when he died. I thought I might possibly regret not visiting him afterwards; I posted here asking for advice on the situation. But no -- it turned out to be the right decision and I haven't regretted it at all. I think I would have regretted it if I'd gone, actually; it would have been me chasing after my lifelong abuser one final time, looking for one more tiny scrap of whatever he might have had to give to me, and I just. couldn't. do. it. And I'm glad I didn't.

I also think I was disinherited by him, but I don't know and I also don't care. There's no amount of money in the entire world that's worth my soul. I suspect you're the same way. I know it hurts to be treated like that, but please don't let it destroy you. Let her death be the final end of your lifelong abuse. Let her death set you free.

Dealing with PD Parents / Re: PD mothers & photos
« Last post by Sojourner17 on Today at 11:13:30 AM »
Mine is a bit different but somewhat similar in a way.  Im not sure if my mom did this when i was still living at home ( i moved away at 20 years old) but for as long as I can remember ( im now 36, so i guess the past 16 years) she always has to  make sure someone takes a picture of her at family gatherings saying "take a picture of me so that we know i was here"  or something to that effect.  She is usually the one taking pictures.  The weird thing is...she is always scowling or looking just plain uncomfortable or mad in almost every picture.  Or she looks like she is a deer in headlights or caught talking mid-sentence staring at the camera.  Since we now have digital everything I've even tried to take multiple shots trying to get one where she looks happy and at ease but it seems to be almost impossible.  Id have to look back but i dont think i have one of her smiling except for our wedding photos from 4 years ago and my grade 12 graduation photos in 1999 and both of those were taken by professional photographers and were fairly staged poses. 

On a side note, we took pictures on my parents camera last year when i got my Master's degree.  Ive yet to see those pictures.  We have asked for them but never received them.  Also, another aside...i dont think my husband and son are in any of them because mom wanted to get pictures done quickly and my husband was busy taking care of our toddler.  It would be interesting to see my moms facial expression in those photos.
The Welcome Mat / Confused
« Last post by yme on Today at 11:08:34 AM »
I'm new to this site, a friend suggested this website and so far what I've read rings true for me in regards to my mother and my father.  Recently I become unwell with anxiety and sought the help of a psychologist. thru this process I have come to realise my mum, who my whole life I have understood to have depression and anxiety also has a PD.  Mums behaviour has always been excused by my dad, he has enabled her and I guess that's why we are in the situation we currently are. You see my mum is very good at playing the poor me card and making everything about her feelings. Recently mum had a major blow up at me, screaming, crying and telling me I broke her heart.  How did I break her heart well I didn't give her grandkids, you see I was told some 8 years ago that for me to have children I would need IVF. After A lot of talking and therapy my husband I made the decision that we would not have children. Through out this decision process my mum kept providing us with her opinion, and telling me how sad she is that I won't ever be a mum and that she might not ever be a grandmother. Fast forward to a few months ago (after the birth of my niece) my mum had a major meltdown, anger builds and then she has an outburst. Unfortunately this time we were in the car at the time. The yelling consisted of how much our decision to not have ivf effected her, how upset she was that we didn't give her the opportunity to talk about it, how it has been really hard for her to see her friends become grandparents etc. and then the words you broke my heart, this just shattered me.

Mum had a second outburst a few days later ( dad tried to get us together and pretend everything was ok) that's dad's way of dealing, anyway she again started screaming, crying etc and again said about how I had broken her heart. Dad told me later that what she actually meant was that it broke her heart to think There wouldn't be another generation. Dad also said that your mother doesn't remember a lot of what she says when she goes off like that and you know that she doesn't mean it. What I'm starting now to realise with the help of my psychologist is that mum has a PD and that dad is an enabler of her behaviour. Her outbursts have always been excused as a part of her mental illness and the fact she takes things we say really personally even if they are meant that way. I've spent my life thinking I am responsible in part for mums emotional needs. Mum can be very negative and very passive aggressive, dropping comments into a conversation to make you feel bad. She also seeks constant reassurance that she is loved etc. right now I don't know what feel about the situation but it helps to share it with others.

I love my parents but they can be incredibly draining and they are getting worse as they are ageing.

Hello Sleeplessnights and welcome.

I was right where you are two years ago.  First, let me say how sorry I am for what you are,going through.   It can be mentally,physically, and emotionally exhausting.  This website, and in particular this separating and divorcing forum helped me so much.    Read the Common topics...  By Eclipse at the top of this forum.  It is basically a checklist on how to prepare.  I also read older posts in this forum that applied to this very topic.   It takes digging but it's worth it.  Preparation is HUGE.  You need to be as confident as possible about preparing.  Get as much done before you leave as possible.

It sounds like financial resources are a big concern for you.   Some people always get cash back when they go grocery shopping.  Twenty bucks here and there and then they hide it somewhere safe.   This would work if he onlymsees the bank statements or you can "misplace" the receipt at times when you do this.

Can you have your employer direct deposit part of your paycheck in a separate bank account?  Obviously in a separate bank.  You could claim your paycheck went down due to pay cuts, maybe union dues, shorter hours.  Would this work?

I read once on another forum that one lady was able to accumulate monies and escape by taking coupons to the store, buying the items that the coupons applied to,not using them at checkout, but then going to the customer service desk and saying she "forgot" to present them at checkout.   She was then given cash, which she secretly saved.  It took her a while to get enough, but this might be another tool to use.

Does your employer ever give bonuses?  Can you cash these bonuses separately and hide the money?

Can you secretly sell things?  Like on consignment?

Keep reading around for ideas.

Let me also say, that I did most everything on that checklist before I told him.  I also had the support of a therapist that "got it" and he coached me on what to say.  Basically, he said "be a broken record.  Just keep repeating yourself."   He said that NPDh would be angry, but just let him and keep repeating yourself.   

I did the discussion in a public place, at a chain restaurant that was fairly  crowded.  I knew my NPDh would not make a scene in public place whereas at home he would have raged and I wouldn't be safe.  Also, I didn't trust myself to not cave in. 

Unbeknownst to him, a friend picked up the kids and they were at her house.   Another  really good friend picked me up at the restaurant.  It worked.  Maybe something like this would work for you.

That was November of 2015.  We are now divorced, my life is peaceful, and most importantly, my life is my own.  Before, I always felt like I was living His life, not the one I wanted.   So glad I am out of that prison.

Good luck, and let us know how you are doing.   There's lots of great support on this forum. 
Co-parenting and Secondary Relationships / Re: School decision
« Last post by Whiteheron on Today at 11:06:56 AM »
Absolutely mediation and your lawyer. From where I see it, it would be in the best interest of your son to be close to his social network - all of his neighborhood friends. I believe that's very important, especially at that age. Make sure they know his grades have been dropping in the current arrangement when you talk to them. You can't do anything over the weekend, so wait until you speak with your L.

Your x sounds a lot like mine...demanding 50/50, no negotiating. He wants what he wants. I was very close to giving in last week, just to end this. The kids and I are being damaged by his behavior with us both living under the same roof...I can make it all stop if I just give him what he wants. Then I could get out and potentially have some peace for myself and the kids. For now I'm holding firm...but I see the kids struggling. I feel that if I give him an inch he'll take a mile (like your x now suggesting he have full custody - it will never end). Hang in there. I hope your L has some good advice for you.
So much of what you have written here clicks with my experience. Especially this bit: 
Quote from: scribblesandsuch
When I was living at home, this meant that in the hours or days after an event, my mother would start asking me insistently what was wrong.
That constant what's wrong was enough to make me crazy! Eventually, she would wear me down and we would end up with me getting frustrated and loud and her turning HERSELF into the victim. This effectively took all attention off whatever horrible thing she had done and put me into the bad girl role. I never knew it was a role. I always thought I just had poor self control and a horrible temper. Now that I am NC, I never experience that kind of frustration or  :blowup:  moments where I feel like I am a terrible person. NC was the only way I could stop the what's wrong abuse, because, as you have discovered, when you move away they just morph it into--"Why haven't you called? Are you upset with me?" And if you answer like you would with a normal person, you are attacking her.

This is where low contact and medium chill just didn't work for me. Even if I managed to not say anything that could be used against me, holding all of that in would ruin me for the rest of the day. As soon as you mentioned the what's wrong thing, I instantly understood your desire for NC. The phrase makes my blood run cold. Of course, if you turn it around and use it on uBPDmom, she could sweetly and waifily say," Nothing's wrong" forever. Sometimes she would add, "Nothing's wrong. I would have to make something up!"  Like I was pressuring her to lie or something. Meanwhile, we both knew something was wrong. So whether she asked me or I asked her, it was this PD game of chicken and I always lost.

Your old reaction,which was mine, too, is this: 
Quote from: scribblesandsuch
  I learned to stop mentioning it, figuring it would avoid a fight and that I didn't need to be right or have the last word, I just wanted it to be done. 
The problem is, now you are Out of the FOG. Sadly, for me anyway, once I could see that my uBPDmom was actively controlling me and manipulating me, I couldn't dismiss it anymore. It aggravated me and felt self-degrading to let her get away with it. I love my parents, and was very enmeshed with my mom, but, once the FOG lifted, all I felt was disgust when we interacted. The old tricks she used to play on my sympathy or flatter me into my old role--they started to backfire on her. Instead of feeling sympathy I felt disgusted that she was too weak to stand up and be a grown woman. Instead of feeling flattered, I felt disgust that she was so fake and unpredictably traitorous to me. NC was the only way I could stop her from affecting me with her mind games. I have written before that I find medium chill to be an almost impossible feat for the Enmeshed Ones. They know us too well and we care too much. Once we back off from caring too much, we realize that there is no relationship left.

Our whole purpose in the relationship is to give too much. Once we stop doing that, we are of no use to them. I honestly still can't believe that I have been discarded by this woman whose whole world once revolved around me. But I wasn't me. I was her fixer. If I wasn't going to fix everything in her past, present, and future, then she didn't want me at all. 
Quote from: scribblesandsuch
In the end, nothing is greater than her pain. Nothing and no one is more important.
  I discovered this, too. I guess I always instinctively sensed it, but was so sure that I could help her if I just did everything right and said everything in the perfect words and with the perfect tone at the perfect time.

With my mom, after the what's wrong trick stopped giving her the desired results, she overplayed her hand and went with a very extended silent treatment. After months of this, (where before we had spoken for hours every single day--even on my vacations...but not hers, I just now realized!) she tried a birthday phone call that went on the machine. I sat and listened to her try to win me back with her weepy "Happy birthday."  :dramaqueen: . That is when I realized that I was NC. She did it to herself. I wonder if your mom will do that, too, just as NotLost mentioned in this thread.

The Welcome Mat / New member
« Last post by elkforyou on Today at 10:17:04 AM »
New member today.  So thankful to have found this site!  Have an adult daughter who loves to blame everyone and everything else for her own behavior- from telling people she was abused and neglected to downright lies on social media.  Not that we don't love her, (that is perhaps the hardest part in this), but we can't help her, and have had to literally step away from her and the situations she puts us in.  To make it worse she suffers from RSD and we know that is trying for her, but she had this PD long before the RSD diagnosis.  She tears family asunder with her drama, and those who try to help end up getting burned.  I am at my wits end and so grateful to have found the support I feel on this site.  Bless you all in your endeavors to cope and live on. Blessings also on those who suffer and hurt others.
Prisoner, It is understandable how you are feeling, so fearful and empty.  Be assured, you did the right thing.  As difficult as it was, it was absolutely the right thing. 

Momnthefog's suggestions are bang on.  Your son is afraid, and he should be.  He is experiencing consequences for his behaviours, finally.  He is not in control, finally.  It is important for you and your spouse to stand firm, take control, hold each other up, support each other to be strong through this.  Do not put faith in anything your son says.  Do not allow him back in your home, work with the hospital team for placement options.  After stabilization and behavioural changes 9 months or a year, perhaps a transition to some form of independent living.  There is no guarantees of backsliding his behaviours once he feels safe in your nest again.  I personally would not risk it given his threats of burning the house and further physical assaults.  You can check in on him, have visits wherever he ends up.  Only you can protect yourself, your son has proven to you that he won't.  Listen to him.

My heart goes out to you, this must be so devastating.  Can you get some emotional support for you and your spouse, counselling, friends, family, so you don't feel so alone.  It is okay to reach out for help when we need it.  Wishing you strength, courage, support, wisdom, and in time, the peace you so deserve.

Summer Sun
Pages: 1 ... 8 9 [10]