My uBPDexgf had to get a rise out of me before she would stop acting out. She would follow me and drop little snide comments, pout, act grumpy and sulky, make backhanded insults, and 'accidentally' forget appointments and ruin things; the only thing that would stop her was my raising my voice and loudly telling her to stop. Then she would giggle like a toddler and say things like, "ooh, you're getting mad!" She obviously loved pushing and pushing until I got upset. It was like she had to prove that she had the power to upset me.
And she would sometimes agree that she had serious issues and would agree that she needed help and medication, but only when she was being told to pack and leave. Then she would say anything to get me back. Within an hour of my agreeing to give her another chance, she would grumble that she had no idea what had upset me.
The behavior only escalated. She would rely on being mentally ill as an excuse for her bad behavior, and claim that I was the one who was to blame. It took her a while to see such a diagnosis as a tool to get away with tantrums, but once she saw it, she used it relentlessly. Then she would deny it if there was any way to blame anyone else.
My point is that getting a BPD person to admit to their illness is not a step towards healing, necessarily, nor is it a permanent realization. They may use it as a crutch, defense, or weapon. It may be temporary clarity or only partially recognition. They may get solid treatment, but chances are they will find a therapist who reinforces their self-perceptions.
Look at the list of common BPD traits. The inability to accept responsibility for their behaviors is key. We cannot wish away any one trait to this disorder because we hope that it will lead to the end of that disorder.
We cannot control the disorder. If there was a quick way to do educate and treat these disordered people, there would be an instruction manual and the disorder would be eradicated instantly the second it was recognized.
And none of us can be the white night who is special enough to rescue them from theMs elves. None of us are can love a person into being healthy. We don't win trophies for sticking it out. The disorder is not going to make an exception and be conquerable just for us because we 'won't give up on them.'
It is easy to believe that everyone else who has loved a person with a personality disorder was foolish, lazy, or uneducated and just didn't try hard enough. That's not how it works. We aren't advising you to give up out of some vindictive urge to ruin your happiness and make you just as miserable as we are. We aren't ignorant morons who gave up out of stupidity. We are people who walked the same path. We too loved someone with a personality disorder and we worked hard to help our loved one. We finally realized the futility of trying to change them, and we chose to self-preserve.
And we are here, reaching out to try to help others still on the same path. If there was a magical set of steps to heal or help our PD, we would have taken those steps and shared it. Just because it isn't advice you want to hear does not make it stigmatized, rude , or wrong.