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Cycle switches that quickly are certainly concerning and hard to understand. My uPDw can be completely normal and flash in an instant but almost never, do I observe or receive the value stage afterwards. I will sometimes get the "you're such a great father" which she delivers and I know its a jab at my lack of being a good husband... which she tells me frequently. But we can be fine one minute and she will flash and run down the attack and criticisms about everything in her life. We've had financial difficulties for ages and she will not agree to my saving strategies and we are hurting right now, behind on our mortgage and she now needs a hysterectomy.... and everything was going great this weekend then something snapped. She flat our told me it was my fault she cant have the surgery and I blame you because we dont have the money so I can stay home away from work. Yeah so... that escalated quickly. The "freeze out" the rest of the weekend. She goes NC with me. She can flash so quickly but does not flash back.
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Working on Us / Re: I don't like my furniture anymore
« Last post by findingmywaybacktome on Today at 10:33:26 AM »
Hello openskyblue,

Thank you for writing this post.

Oh, yes, I have experienced this!
Not about furniture, since I had none from my home, but about...every little thing.
My clothes, my comb, etc.
I have been slowly building up a wardrobe and, in doing so, the question, 'What do/don't I really like?' keeps coming up.
I've asked myself this question so many times!

And it's been pretty awful knowing that the answer has been, 'I don't know.' But this...helped me. Admitting that I didn't know was scary to me, but it also helped me see the...damage. I knew how I was 'before' and could see the difference in 'after'.

I found myself wondering why I eat the things I do. Do I even like eggs? If so, what kind? Scrambled? Fried? Or do I eat them because it's what he wanted us (me) to eat - and I just keep eating them?

That I was asking myself questions like this showed me how controlled I had been, helpee me to see. I certainly hadn't ever wondered about things like this before...him. I knew what I liked to eat, wear, do my hair, etc. I didn't think about these things. I just ate what I found tastey, bought clothes that appealed to me, went and got my hair done,
etc.

I have been rebuilding my wardrobe one item at a time, only adding things that I really like (not including my retail job work wear, which I dislike the color of). And I've been, slowly, adding things to my room, as well, making it my own, cozy, space.

One day at a time,
Em
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1. Well done, you.   I love your citing that you're not the same person.   I struggle with this and an enmeshed mom too.

2. I've got to get me one of those crystals :)
94
Common Behaviors / So Controlling
« Last post by kat63 on Today at 10:14:43 AM »
I can't pick anything out when it comes to decorating or buying anything for our house.  Its left me feeling like I don't care anymore, but last night I became so mad. My daughters bedroom, she wanted to have it painted a new color while she was away at school, so my H and I looked at chips, and of course he's putting before me what "he wants" but being passive aggressive about it saying its up to me, but pointing out what he likes, so I picked what I liked, and of course went over it with our daughter, and she was good with anything in the blue family. When I do get my way, and I did with the wall color all I heard was its cold, doesn't look that nice...so critical.  I'm now looking at new bedding, and before I could blink he ran out to the store and bought all her new bedding, and comforter. Then I go to look at curtains and he came home with some, that are white sheer, which annoyed me but at this stage of life with him, I could care less its not worth the battle, I'm too numb, I don't care about anything anymore. But then I did say let the curtains stay floor length, its kind of elegant, and nice for a girls room. He kept saying they should be cut, the length of her window. We went back and forth and I insisted it looked nice to have them floor length.  He dropped it for awhile and it stayed and my daughter loved the curtains and liked the floor length. Now its a few months later, and last night he brings up the curtains. He tells me he's having them cut to the length of the window, as he stated, "a more normal look"  Like what the heck it "normal"?  What I do is not "normal"?  He says that a lot.  I hate him, he's so controlling.. Meeting with my sister this week about moving in with her for a few months and file for divorce or legal separation.
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Dealing with PD Parents / Re: Update: I survived the visit with uBPDm
« Last post by Amadahy on Today at 10:06:04 AM »
This makes me so happy!!!! Bless you.
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Working on Us / Re: Journaling
« Last post by findingmywaybacktome on Today at 10:04:44 AM »
I have found that journaling has helped me very much these past two years since I left my disordered husband.
(I didn't feel safe enough to do so while with him.)
I use an older laptop that is not connected to the internet. This makes me feel safer.
Even though there's no one else to read them, I still password protect them, as well.
Journaling has helped me in many ways...to get through the cognitive dissonance, to sort out what happened to me, etc.
It also helps with the feeling of being alone.
I still journal mostly every day.
I haven't gone back and read what I wrote previously, though. I just keep at it, one day at a time.
I've been thinking of starting something new in my journals, an idea that came to me after reading a post here about how painful looking at photos can be. I still haven't decided if I'm ready yet, but...
I have a lot of photos that I haven't been able to bear to look at. And I've been realizing that one thing I haven't journaled about were 'the good times', the 'happy' memories. Remembering how happy I was, what I thought our life together was, and now knowing that it was all fake on his part is...hard. So I've been shutting it all out. And there certainly was enough other stuff to deal with, all the after effects that occur.
But I'm feeling that I might be ready now to let myself look at this.
So my idea is, since my photos are saved chronologically, of just picking one, whatever the first one in the folder is, and pasting it in my journal and then journaling about that...about that moment in time, what I felt, how I feel about it now, etc.
Any thoughts on this?
Has anyone done something like this before?
Thank you for listening,
Em
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Dealing with PD Parents / Re: Update: I survived the visit with uBPDm
« Last post by Fightsong on Today at 10:00:57 AM »
 What a lovely posting, so full of power and self  honor. Bursting with pride in your own understanding and your own personal growth. Go you!
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Common Behaviors / Re: Rapid devalue/value cycle (within minutes!)
« Last post by Wild Lupines on Today at 09:50:32 AM »
The last time my ex NPD berated me he switched from angry ranting and his endless catalogue of my faults to suddenly acting beseeching and apologizing, saying how much he loved me. Only this time it was so patently false even he recognized it. His lower lip trembled, his voice got fake, and he got cry eyes, but it just was so obviously fake. He immediately said, "I'm acting like my father," in a moment of unguarded and later unrecognized self-reflection. His father is a malignant narcissist of the first order. Then he switched right back to raging.

Watching him go from bile and rage to a quivering lower lip and wet eyes and the back into rage in less than a minute was very disconcerting for me, to say the least. It really opened my eyes to how anything he says or claims is unreliable. 
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Working on Us / Highly sensitive person comments
« Last post by DJCleo on Today at 09:45:29 AM »
I couldn't figure out how to respond to the highly sensitive person thread for some reason. Was it closed?

Anyway, I took the quiz and I had a 14, but then I was watching this video https://youtu.be/KYc0yo9XkDw and more of this "hsp" became clearer to me. When I'm around my huge family, I've had to learn to make myself take breaks and rest a bit and then rejoin them. I never understood why anyone could be with others constantly from sun up to sundown and drink and not sleep enough and repeat for days at a time on vacation. I know we all don't get to see each other enough, but I had to learn the hard way with no one ever understanding and having them try to get me to drink with them... but I just get too tired and my feelings would get hurt too easily when they thought it was funny to be harsh to each other in their brand of drunk humor.

Only in the context of comparison does it make sense to me. I'm ENFP, and that makes sense because I go from office to office and ask questions and relate to others and then get back to work.

I want to thank you all for bringing up HSP, because it makes me feel less like I'm messed up even when I have someone say something horribly mean. It's super hard to shake off the comments when it's from someone you love. Ugh. It still hurts, but I'm choosing to forgive because this person obviously is having problems and incapable of doing the right thing these days, and is pushing everyone away, so I guess I'll just have to let them go.

Does anyone else have a hard time identifying their own HSP traits unless they have a lot of information about others to contrast with?
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Common Behaviors / Re: NPD worse with age?
« Last post by Wild Lupines on Today at 09:42:59 AM »
My NPD ex has gotten worse with age. I think part of it is the impact of the narcissism on their career and relationships. They can't confront that, so they get bitter and resentful. My ex was once the golden boy of our field. He had people clamoring for his attention, and offering him jobs. Now he is working a grunt job and no one pays attention to him. He doesn't see at all this is the result of his entitlement and lack of true work ethic.

Over time people get tired of their histrionics and immaturity and self-pity. The charm wears thin. Behaviors people were willing to pass over in a charming, attractive person in their 20s stop being acceptable by their 40s, and by their 50s and older can be positively repellent.

Instead of aging with grace and reflecting on their lives, narcs just ramp up the behaviors that got them where they are: blaming others, attention-seeking, feeling sorry for themselves, and acting generally fake and histrionic.
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