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91
Len,
You are not heartless at all and it is not your responsibility to "fix" anything. I can relate as I went through some abuse growing up. I won't go into details as it might be triggering for others here.

It took me a long time to forgive my perpetrators. For me though forgiveness gave me a sense of release from the pain and the memories. All I can say is what worked for me.

I agree you were wise to ignore the phone call. I am also glad to hear you are progressing in therapy. Unfortunately family does not always live up to their obligations to provide a safe environment for children. You therefore have to do what you need to do to keep yourself safe, physically and emotionally, at this point in your life.

Wishing you peace and strength as you move forward on this journey.

92
I don't know if I have any helpful advice, but I can at least offer empathy. 

:bighug:

I am in a similar situation, only my exH had uBPD. My fiancee has not one, but two exes (one kid with each) who has uBPD. On a 'crazy' scale of 1-10, my SD's mother is probably an 8, but my SS's mother is a 35.  :aaauuugh:

I have struggled in the two years we've been together, as I am also triggered heavily by their antics. My SD's mother is easier to deal with, as she lives 2.5 hours away. The only time she gets under my skin is when we (thankfully rarely!) are in the same room together, as she completely and totally ignores me. We have primary custody of my SD, so it's annoying to say the least that she's not able to be civil with me as I'm raising her child 90% of the time. But other than being overly friendly sometimes with my fiancee it's not too bad.

SS's mother however is a whole other beast. She is truly and utterly delusional. She constantly harasses us, insults me and him, turns my SS against his father, threatens all kinds of things, and generally just goes on rampages at fairly regular intervals. As this kind of verbal abuse and behavior reminds me of my exH, it's difficult sometimes to not go back into my shell and my old defense mechanisms.

A couple of ideas, and maybe you've already tried them but here is what has helped for us:

- My fiancee does his best to filter the noise. I'd say 90% of what she spews is empty threats and just hateful words. There's really no reason I need to hear every new attack. Unless it's something that could affect the visitation schedule, something so extreme he wants me to help him log it, or something that may indicate we need to get ready for another legal battle, he just doesn't tell me. This is hard for me, as with my background I have this false belief that if I know every little detail of the situation I can somehow control it or prevent bad things from happening. But the truth is they don't change, it's the same old song and dance, and it's not worth the stress on me. The less stressed I am, the healthier I am (which is less stress for him), and the better I can help with daily support for him and the kids.

- IF he has to tell me something, and IF I can't control my upset then I have to counter my responses with positive thoughts. I try and remind myself that she's 'winning' because I've allowed her ridiculous behavior to affect me, and that she's managed to cause a wedge between me and my fiancee. This normally leads to me not wanting to grant her any more power, especially from me where she has absolutely no hold. Sometimes I'm really successful with this, sometimes not but it's better for me to try than to just let myself spiral down into the anger and frustration.

- If you haven't read about C-PTSD or any of Pete Walker's book I would recommend it. I just started one but some of my trigger responses are described perfectly. I think it will be a useful tool as I get father into it.

- I also have absolutely no contact with either of them, outside of the extremely rare school event for SD. Even at those events I've stopped trying to speak to her or even be civil. With SS's mom I had to threaten legal action, and have blocked numerous phone numbers due to her harassment. At the end of the day, there is really NO reason you need to have any contact with them whatsoever. You are not in a normal situation, you guys are never going to be BFF's, they are never going to accept you as a co-parent to their child. So drop the delusion and protect yourself!!

I really think it's a long journey. We learn to set boundaries with our FOO or exes, and then as we encounter different types of PD in our lives it's another learning process. I remind myself that it isn't forever - even though they share children, the kids WILL get older, and he will be able to go full NC one day vice the LC he has now. That helps some too. :)

Best of luck to you, and I feel your pain!!!
93
The Welcome Mat / Re: hello there
« Last post by Bloomie on Today at 11:12:33 AM »
Hi again Mr. Flow - I combined your intro story here and removed the duplicate post for clarity. Thanks for sharing more of what brings you here and your story with us. It is a lot on your plate that is for sure. I am so thankful you have a bright future ahead and are learning to turn away from trying to fix everything for others that do not want to be fixed.

I highly recommend engaging on the forum boards by asking questions and sharing in a way that will bring insights and responses from our wise community here. Journaling is something that can bring tremendous release and insights and is a great thing for you to do in your quiet and reflective times privately. However, posting on any of our boards as a personal journal is something our guidelines don't allow, but we welcome your sharing questions and issues you are encountering with your PD family members on any of the forum boards that best fit your situation.

A couple that I could suggest are:

Going NC with PD Parents
Dealing with PD Parents
Dealing with PD Siblings and other Family Members
Dealing with PD Elderly Family Members

Strength and peace to you as you continue to pursue healing and insights in your journey! Again, welcome!
94
Shaming and guilting you , so as to make themselves fell better about themselves. Sick.
95
I moved about  2 hrs away from the PDs in my life. For me, it has been pivotal in my healing. From living in isolation in the country to a nice sized town  where I am surrounded by people. I love my new job & the staff here are great!

My sons live close to the PDs so when I go visit I take a different route so I don't have to drive by the 'scene of the crime'. So far, PDH hasn't bothered me & that has been a blessing ! Had I stayed in the same house I lived with him it would have been really hard! I really didn't have any choice in my decision. I knew he would never leave so I had to make the decision to leave & start all over.
96
Im a bit late on this, but can sympathize. Similar sister.

 I had been NC for a while and then reconnected over Xmas when i was invited for a few days.

I dont have a relationship with my nieces or nephews, but my Dad whos old and ill and who now lives close to her.

I had left my job and she thought this was for the best for me . I had a Company car and had to give back and she kept on at me for her partner to sort me out a new one.

I realized over Xmas and afterwards when her birthday was coming up and she wanted me up to take care of my Dad.

It wasnt about me or my Dad it was about her having control over me, like she does the rest of her family. With me not working i could be used to see Dad. She stated texting me, lying how ill she was , how ill he was and leaving messages on the phone  threatening to call the police if i didnt answer.

I didnt call back and gone NC again.

Youve done really well to stay assertive in the face of it all. I just avoided it, as i knew it would be constant haranguing until she got her way. The thing is hes manipulative narc too, so im keeping my distance.

Like you say its about control and you have to say strong in the face of manipulations

Well done you

97
Dealing with PD Parents / Re: email battle of wills
« Last post by VividImagination on Today at 11:08:50 AM »
Block or send it to spam.
98
The Welcome Mat / Re: Dutiful Daughter Intro - 3 months NC
« Last post by Bloomie on Today at 10:57:46 AM »
Hi Dutifuldaughter - Welcome. What you describe in this last revealing scene with your family is something that cannot be unseen and unheard. I am so sorry that this is the sum total of what your mother values and how your brother and father bear witness to this behavior toward you and acquiesce to this without a challenge. :sadno:

I want you to know this says so much about them and absolutely nothing about your value and worth to this world. This is disordered behavior and thinking on your family's part that comes from a place we simply will never understand. It is a broken and ugly place and you don't have to stand near that kind of devaluing any longer.

A beautiful mantra for you that I learned when first coming here: "I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't cure it." The 3 C's Rule

Isn't that just so true?

At the same time there is deep grieving as we look into the face of a family that has failed us and seems incapable of any level of authentic love and reciprocity, logic or reason in relationship to us.

As you settle in to this community make good use of the resource tabs above where you will find great helps all located in one place. We have many boards to choose from where you can share and engage and one in particular that will be a support is our Going NC with a PD Parent.

My hope is that you will find this community to be another spoke in the wheel of your recovery journey and a great encouragement to you! Again, we welcome you!
99
Common Behaviors / Re: Eye Issues
« Last post by blacksheep7 on Today at 10:52:32 AM »
SP80,
That behavior is sooooo rude.

Whiteheron
Those comments, I just can't believe how people could be so cruel, that's what it is.
 :kisscheek:


100
Hello!

Today it's my Nfather's birthday. I sent him an email only saying happy birthday (I really wanted no contact, but in my country I can go to jail if I reject my father like this...). He replied to my email saying he prays for me every day, he misses me etc, but there was something new this time: he asked if I'm ok/healthy. He never asked me anything and this time he did it...

I have a big problem. I can't ignore when someone asks me something. And now I'm struggling.
I know he is trying to hoover me, I know it, but my Nfather still controls me.

I want to stop being like this. My Nfather is not going to die if I don't answer me, but it's so difficult to ignore someone since I know how it is... It's not good to have empathy or I'm still co-dependent.

How to stop being like this? I want to change for the better. The only solution I have is to move to other country because I'll feel safer.


Thank you for reading.
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