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91
I actually love the holidays, but the last few years have been so miserable I just wanted to give up. He knows how much I enjoy Christmas and time with my family, so last year he promised to make it nice for me. I was so excited when he said he'd help me decorate the tree, I rushed home and got all of the decorations down from the attic. He was mad that I didn't wait for him to carry them down.

Then he goes on to say that he thinks it will be the last year that he'd see "this shit" because he already knew I was going to leave him. He made me cry on Christmas morning. We planned to go to his sister's for dinner and to my aunt's for dessert. I love his family, and we get along great. So not wanting to be embarrassed by the fight that would ensue I didn't dare ask him or say that I was ready to go, so I waited. When he was ready to leave I mentioned seeing my family. He said it was too late, we had to get home for the dogs. And besides my aunt's house is too chaotic with all of the kids.

It was always an excuse as to why we shouldn't go, including to his family functions. And don't get me started on the fights about wrapping gifts. He'd say, "you're just going to rip it open in 2 seconds". One year I couldn't take the fight and got all of my stocking stuffers in a plastic grocery bag.

It will be less stressful this year. I don't have to ask him for anything! I can decorate how and when I want, visit who I want, and wrap gifts until my heart's content!
92
Unchosen Relationships / Re: Covert Narcissists
« Last post by WhiteCups on Today at 10:46:57 AM »
Nana1270, just re-thought something I said.

Though I mentioned changing the locks, that might feed her anger and paranoia!  It might be better to practice "medium chill" and stay out of her way instead.  However, I do think you should protect your and your husband's personal stuff.  There are lots of threads on this forum of PD parents "taking" adult children's personal memorabilia or destroying it; it happened to me over a photo album that she suddenly claimed as her own.  It would be awful if you found such things suddenly "missing" after she left.

Regarding rent, you could forget this?  The less contact you have with her the better.

Hope all goes well and you get to enjoy a relaxing Christmas.

93
My DSD15 has been having her ups and downs going through the teenage process.  She has always been close to my DH and I, but recently (the last 8 or 9 months) has been sucked in by her uBPD mom's massive hoover.  It has been hard to watch, but it is what it is.  We have continued to have rules and boundaries, and bedtimes, and monitoring of electronics, etc.  During the hoover, her uBPDmom hasn't been doing any of those things because IMHO, she wants to be DSD15's BFF, but her mother.

DSD came home last night, and told me the following story that had occurred the previous day at her uBPD mom's house.  There has been a boy on the perimeter of DSD15's life, but nothing too serious.  Apparently, he came over to uBPD mom's house while DSD15 was there.  (It's unclear if uBPD mom was there at first or not.)  DSD15 and this boy (he is 17 or 18) were left alone for an extended period of time.

Things got physical, DSD15 told the boy to stop.  He didn't.  He fingered her.  She bled.  She got away from him, she told him she knew self defense.  He told her he was stronger than she was, and could have what he wanted.  Things continued, but ultimately he left, and things didn't get any worse physically.

uBPD mom comes home.  DSD15 tells her the story.  uBPD comforts DSD15 and tells her things like, oh he was a bad guy, you shouldn't date him, you poor thing... blah, blah, blah.  DSD15 says how sweet her mom was to her because uBPDmom saw that DSD15 had been crying.

I am literally shaking with rage.

What do I do?
94
Chosen Relationships / Re: I guess I'm a fool?
« Last post by Trampled on Today at 10:43:48 AM »
Thank you.  My life has been a roller coaster. Never knowing if we are up or down or going left or right. I just try to cope. Thank you.
95
My heart goes out to you. I am in a similar situation. My npdh does not care about how I feel or what I need either. It's amazing how much a person can take year after year. I read somewhere yesterday that you will not realize just how much you have been missing until you find someone who really does love you. I wouldn't know. I can't imagine it. But I have prayers for you and the others like us out there that by the grace of God we can still have a meaningful life whether we stay or whether we go.  There are many kind people on this site that don't make you feel like you are alone in the world. I am thankful for them. Good luck with your life. Xox I did get a great deal of meaningful information for, a book called WHY DOES HE DO THAT. Pick up a copy. It's easy to read and very informative. Best wishes to you and everyone else in this forum.
96
Common Behaviors / Re: Unproductive Criticism
« Last post by seekingvision on Today at 10:38:41 AM »
I get the profound obvious a lot. I respond with like kind statements. 
Example I am cooking and drip water from washed hands when moving from sink to stove top or oven in a hurry.

I understand that water makes the floor wet.  Perhaps you can cook and never drip a drop anywhere.  5 minutes later I usually find the need to say something like....  that is 6 times you have explained that water is wet, Believe it or not I get it.  Do you want points for saying it 7 ways, because I really am intelligent enough to get it.  I think they covered it in college physics 2 with calc.
97
Chosen Relationships / Re: found out she cheated
« Last post by xyz on Today at 10:36:06 AM »
This going to sound harsh. Love doesn't have a thing to do with it - of course this is my opinion and I saying that as that is what your post is screaming "but I love her so much". The I love her/him part ONLY plays a role in these situations in regards to YOUR OWN thoughts & feelings about being hurt, sad, angry and your healing. My point is you can not make your decision about your future based on the love you have for her. THAT is what will keep you trapped and will keep messing with your brain.  It is HARD but some how you need to try to separate your feelings from facts when you are trying to figure this all out :)

You feel down on yourself? why?  PLEASE be careful here - you don't want to take on the blame for HER actions!

I agree with seeking - as hard as it is try to return to why you joined here - to help yourself & your children :)
98
Chosen Relationships / Re: I guess I'm a fool?
« Last post by photoday32 on Today at 10:35:02 AM »
I am so sorry you are hurting Trampled, it is unbelievably difficult to be in a one sided relationship, and you are not a fool, it is very normal to feel the way you are feeling. It is likely his parents were also mentally ill and did not realize (or care) about the effect they were having on their children (knowing this has helped me to not be so angry at my h's parents, although I still want to just shake them sometimes).

My h also says things like he never loved me and only stayed with me because he felt sorry for me and yet he will not leave and doesn't want to break up. I try to remember that he interprets his feelings as facts so when my h is down in the dumps and feeling really depressed or angry he sees it as my fault and I am the devil and at other times when he is on a high (as happy as he can be) then I am also the cause for that (or part of it) and he is head over heels in love and I am the best woman ever  :stars: :stars: :stars:

It can be very confusing to say the least.
99
Chosen Relationships / Stay?
« Last post by Trampled on Today at 10:34:10 AM »
My question to y'all is this... For those of you who have stayed with NPD spouse, are you glad you stayed? And for those of you who left or were dumped, are you glad he/she is gone?
100
Bonnie,

This is exactly what is happening here.  He wants me to know.  Says things and leaves little indicators of the romance he's engaged in.  I would be lying if I said it wasn't getting to me. Sometimes I feel strong and then something or some place will trigger a mental relapse.

Last night I went to my horse club meeting and wondered if his girlfriend was in the room?  I hate this!!  I hate that it even matters!  I don't want to give up all the people or activities we shared but are also good for me because he could be there...how do I severely limit reminders and contact when we work for the same company, live in this small community and have this shared hobby of horses?? 

 I can't transfer as my customers are here.  I can't abandon my horse.  ARRRGh which means he will have access to "sticking it to me" for as long as he finds it amusing.   I mean,  I say I can't,  which is not exactly true but the ramifications or doing either are very significant.  An animal I love and a job that pays me very well...big things to lose all because of jerk.   He looking more like an evil monster to me every day.   GRAY ROCK.  I have to learn to be gray rock....use that technique.   
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