Out of the FOG Banner
Home About Us Disorders Traits Toolbox Books Links C-PTSD Resources In An Emergency
Support Forum Guidelines FAQ Disclaimer Members Glossary Acronyms Support

Recent Posts

Pages: 1 ... 8 9 [10]
Thanks guys.

I very well might tell her flat out that she needs to apologize face to face to my daughter or stay home on Christmas as I don't want the holiday ruined for my daughter.  Otter...the way you put it, really makes a lot of sense.

Now...I will say that my DD10 pushes my sister's buttons on purpose.  DD10 does this to DD5 and to DH and I as well. She is very clever and knows what buttons to push.  I know that my sister didn't mean it and was just frustrated that DD10 was butting into adult issues, but that doesn't matter and it doesn't matter what my DD10 said or did as she's a 10 year old child and my sister is 27. 

Brownies...that is horrible.  I did tell DD10 that she needs to butt out of adult issues, but that my sister shouldn't have done what she did either. 

Earlier in the day we were talking about a family vacation that we are taking in the summer.  We invited my sister but, for a myriad of reasons, she isn't going.  Then...she told me that she'd come for 2 nights and not pay any rent for the place and just buy food.  Didn't ask if it was okay or anything, just declared it.  Yesterday I told her that if she continued to fight with DD10 (they were fighting most of the day on and off) that she'd better bring a tent to pop it up in the backyard.  She claimed that DD10 could sleep outside!  I then told her that seeing as she was not paying any rent and I had to put the entire house in my name, that my DD10 would be sleeping in the house with all of us as she's a 10 year old. 

Sigh.  I really didn't want these issues with my family too.  Why can't DH and I just have a normal freaking family!!!!
Common Behaviors / Re: Lying to try and incite jealousy
« Last post by Vega on Yesterday at 12:15:34 PM »
Thank you.  That is great advice, I do need to be like teflon because I want none of this in my head.  But the fact is, I am a bit scared of what she could do, so I find myself thinking about it.  But I will just be professional, I don't have a problem with that.  Unfortunately, I work in an office where people share, a lot, and act like family, however dysfunctional it is almost encouraged.  She has asked me to do things after work a number of times and I never take her up on it.  I never ask her about her personal life she just offers it up and proceeds to spin stories that I have a hard time believing and in her stories she always comes out smelling like roses and everyone else is messed up. 

Yes, getting up and leaving is a good start. 

Thank you again  :-)
Imagine being your daughter.  Someone much older and bigger than you has an emotional explosion and threatens to kill you on Thanksgiving.  Your mom who witnesses this then allows this person over to ruin your Christmas too (because, even if she behaves, you're now on edge around this person).

There has to be consequences.  Your sister deserves to sit this one out.
Common Behaviors / Re: Lying to try and incite jealousy
« Last post by Otter on Yesterday at 12:04:37 PM »
She sounds mentally unbalanced.  Her stories are crazy, true or not.  Be polite, distant and professional with her.  Speak only about business, no personal stuff any more.  If she starts up, walk away.  Say you have something urgent to do.  Don't engage.

Nothing good will come of being a "friend" to her, being a shoulder to cry on, or even listening to one word.  Take care of yourself, your health, your job and watch your back.  People like her can cause a lot of trouble.  Become "teflon" so nothing sticks.
She threatened to kill your DD.
Nothing short of an acknowledgement, apology, and promise that it would never happen again needs to be given to your DD and your whole family. If it happens again or anything like it, you'll then have no choice but to go NC with her.

Of course this is all up to you, to decide what to do.

When I was 15 (about) my dad threatened to break my back. Mom blamed me and then punished ME for 'making him do that'. He probably should have gone to jail threatening someone half his size, scaring the crap out of me, fearing for my life. Don't do what my mom did, she's as bad as the abuser. Trust me, I'm in my 50's and I'll never forget how helpless and afraid I was and completely alone.
Chosen Relationships / Re: Finally some kind of formal validation!
« Last post by Unda on Yesterday at 11:59:22 AM »
I'm happy for the validation you received and that your SO is likely to be low on the spectrum. It's great that you're both working so hard to get him the best treatment possible. Yay for you!
Going No Contact with a PD Parent / Re: Home movies
« Last post by Liliuokalani on Yesterday at 11:59:09 AM »
Jade, that's a good point and makes a lot of sense.
Of course your DD was upset! It's good that you validated your feelings. It sounds like your mother is in denial and enabling your sister. People can be blind, it's unbelievable.

My sister acts in a similar way like your sister (though no death threats) and I decided to limit my contact with her. I see her 1-2 times per year, and I don't see her one-on-one. No exceptions. My parents are not happy with it. However, they are making the choice to enable my sister; my sister is making the choice to be abusive; and this is the consequence.

There are consequences to setting a boundary like that. In my case, it may be that I don't get to see my FOO over the holidays at all because my parents want to include my sister in all celebrations. So be it.

It's understandable that you don't want to deal with it all. Do whatever you feel is right for you and your FOC.
Working on Us / Re: Personality type and attracting malevolent PDs
« Last post by Laurie on Yesterday at 11:45:38 AM »
I just took the test, and came out INFJ also.  I was teased a lot as a child myself, and wondered if there was something different about me that caused me to be a target.  Things improved as I grew up and found better kinder friends. When I had better friends, I stopped caring whether I was teased by the bullies.  This made me a less attractive target.

Later in life, I find myself needing remedial lessons in boundaries and assertiveness as this behavior doesn't come naturally to me, and uNSIL can really throw curveballs at us.  I think it's the F feeling part that makes me less comfortable with assertive behavior that might hurt someones feelings. One approach I've used is to act really happy.  If people can't bring me down, trying to insult me isn't much fun.

I live in the suburbs where the only people I see when I walk down the street are walking their dog, and most people are very friendly.  My mother was also a very nice person,.  When we went into the city, she would always make us dress up.  She said people would treat us better if we did.  She also suggested walking confidently with good posture with your head held high and project confidence.  This may require some acting, especially on days when we don't feel confident. 

But if all that doesn't work, it's good to remember not to take the bad behavior personally.  I have a CD of The Four Agreements and listen to this part when I need to be reminded.
The Welcome Mat / Re: Can u maybe help me?
« Last post by Bloomie on Yesterday at 11:37:51 AM »
Maryam - it sounds like things are very hard right now in your life. I am sorry you are struggling in so many ways. As Oneness mentioned, Out of the FOG is a support and information site for people who are dealing with a family member or loved one with a personality disorder. As you can understand, no one here is qualified to offer the kind of help you may need as there is a focus and limit to what we do here, and it seems like the issues you are struggling with fall outside of what we can help with. I wanted to offer you a link to a site that may be a place that could offer the kind of support you are seeking:


and for info regarding recovery from codependency:


Wishing you every good thing as you journey forward in your healing!
Pages: 1 ... 8 9 [10]