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Unchosen Relationships / Re: stepdad trying to get rid of BPD mom on me
« Last post by water on Yesterday at 05:41:09 PM »
You will have to continue to say no. Not a bad idea to let everyone in on it.

I get that same uncomfortable feeling from my mom. I noticed that once I cut contact way back, I never became depressed again. She knew me my whole life, groomed me to be the scapegoat and knows every button to push to hurt me. Therapy is a great idea and very freeing, to come to an understanding of why you feel that way. Don't feel bad that you can't rescue everyone that needs rescuing. You have to take care of yourself first, love yourself first. You deserve to have a happy life, as much as each of us do, and we do.

Send off a letter to your aunts and then drop that responsibility. The hard decisions are not yours. The hard decisions are your mom's and your stepdad's to make. You seem to have a lot of compassion for your step dad and that is admirable. Be good to you. (and if you were my son, I'd say the same thing)
Unchosen Relationships / Re: stepdad trying to get rid of BPD mom on me
« Last post by HealingMeFL on Yesterday at 05:38:58 PM »
chrism - nip it in the bud now.  If I were you I'd do exactly what betta fish suggested. 

It's not your problem and it's not your place to fix it. 

Unchosen Relationships / Re: stepdad trying to get rid of BPD mom on me
« Last post by chrism1367 on Yesterday at 05:34:19 PM »
Sounds like she needs professional psychiatric care in a safe, controlled environment.  This is too much for you or your aunts.  Let your stepdad arrange this, help him if you want to.
She does. She is not violent or suicidal in the recent past, which makes it harder to commit her. 10 years ago i xommited her twice, before i "gave up".one was a baker act, other talked her into it. Stepdad almost seems to be afraid to. And they have next to no money. Thanks for the advice
Unchosen Relationships / Re: Don't Know What To Do
« Last post by water on Yesterday at 05:32:10 PM »
Sometimes when I feel confused after contact with a PD, my head spinning, it is because I was drawn back into those dysfunctional patterns of the PD, called the FOG.

To explain previous abuses, behaviors they exhibited, you must explain the behavior that caused the following NC.
Explain what she did, and how it affected you. (hurt, felt bad, crossed boundaries) Ask her to acknowledge the behavior, apologize and not have that behavior again. If she can do that, and improve her behavior, you can slowly let her back into your life, if things go well, you can let her into your child's life.

I've never had any success with this, my PD's think their behaviors are normal and will not stop doing them.
"This is My Story" - Introduce Yourself Here! / This is My Story
« Last post by kayphil on Yesterday at 05:31:13 PM »
Married for three years to a man with NPD. My therapist agreed, making a summation from irrate emails he sent to me while he was in Afghanistan. He refused couples counseling after one visit upon his return. He is estranged from all of his adult children. His previous girlfriend tried to warn me of his pathologies in an email but I thought it was a sour grapes story and I married with out further t hought.

I am too emotionally eroded and fatigued to process all the  details.  He has called me a murderer, evil, threatened to strand me on the side of the road and run us under the rear end of a truck on occasions when I was traveling with him.

Personality disorders run in my family, so why didn't I see this coming? I have retired and moved to my childhood home (reclaimed from renters) and I live near my sister. He left to occupy a house in Georgia and in an email today says to stop bothering him; he is not returning here and that I am the meanest person he has ever known. People who care about me are concerned with my well being and his verbal and emotional abuse. I have so wanted my fledgling marriage to work. I am stunned how he can be so loving and then seem to hate me so.

I could go on and on, but I want to think rationally and constructively about my well being and not belabor a point.

I would appreciate input and insights.
Unchosen Relationships / Re: stepdad trying to get rid of BPD mom on me
« Last post by chrism1367 on Yesterday at 05:28:51 PM »
Thank you betta. I'm sure I will be finding out soon enough. Therapy is definitely on the agenda. I get sick to my stomach when I see the name pop up on my phone. Stress is taking its toll. I have been firm with my stepdad, yet he is not letting up. I don't blame him for wanting her out of his life. In the past I was always the one who seemed the best at trying to calm things down, now it seems I m paying for that. I don't mention divorce to him, yet he has never mentioned it. I have no idea if my mother knows what is going on. I have been very limited contact the last 7 years with them. When I talked to him last night I felt like I was giving in. I never said she can come up though (Florida to Ohio on a bus), but almost feel like he thinks it will prob happen, and I am willing to bet money he won't let her come back. He is going through an ordeal with his back and on pain meds, trying to get disability , and last night he was pleading with me and said its like a life or death situation, I'm guessing that was an exageration, to try to take her in. I know everyone's situation is not exactly the same so I don't expect someone to have an answer, it feels good to get some feedback. I am debating calling her sisters, as before I said she may come up to visit. They know her story and it was rough last time she visited. I think they understand but dont really say much about it. Just tired of it all
Unchosen Relationships / Re: Nmom dropping bombs
« Last post by sharie on Yesterday at 05:19:15 PM »
Yes we own the business.
Unchosen Relationships / Don't Know What To Do
« Last post by MomToThree on Yesterday at 05:15:56 PM »
I came across this site today while searching for help...

I ran into my uBPD mother the other day (we live in the same city) after having no contact for 6 years. It did not go well. I could have walked away without her seeing me, but I thought I'd see if anything has changed. I don't know why I thought it was a possibility, but in the moment, I had hoped it would.  After causing a scene in the grocery store, we parted ways.

I won't go into specifics of our disfunctional relationship (I could write a novel), but anyone that knows about BPD, has a pretty good idea of what it involves. I had no choice but to "call her bluff" 6 years ago when my twins were 6 months old and end contact with her. 

I had her blocked on FB, but she changed her account and just friend requested me last night. I also have a business page that she "liked". I guess I had one post about my business page that showed up on my public profile - so stupid! I am freaking out about this. What do I do? Oh, and she also saw from my profile picture that I now have a daughter, too. Another strike against me for not telling her - I'm sure I will pay for that one.

I want nothing more than to have a relationship with her (well, not her, have a relationship with A mother), but I feel like I cannot subject my kids to the emotional turmoil she causes. I feel horrible because she is such a victim and thinks (says) we ended contact for no reason, she's all alone, etc. I feel horrible that she is hurting so much, but I just don't know if I can bring this back into my life. 

Does anyone have a functional relationship with a BPD? What boundaries do you have in place? Is there any way to make them see that their actions affect others? I just feel so bad about it. I hate that she is all alone and miserable while we (my sister and I) go on living happy lives. She is missing out on so much (including 4 grandchildren between us).

Is there any way to communicate WHY we do not have a relationship in a way that she will understand?

Sorry this is so jumbled - my head is spinning :(
Unchosen Relationships / Re: I finally unfriended my NBPD mother.
« Last post by moglow on Yesterday at 05:13:48 PM »
Stand your ground.  Stand your ground.  Stand your ground.  Stand your ground.

Got that?!  You can and will get through this and so will she.  You have asked - nicely I might add - and if she chooses to waltz all over that as if you said nothing at all, you will have to act.  As in not answer the phone, not return her call [not immediately and not until YOU are ready to talk], not even answer the freakin door if she shows up.  Yes, really.  Don't acknowledge she's even there, continue on with your day/evening as planned.

Really, you can do that - I've done it and as of yet not one person has died or been permanently altered by the experience.  Mother got mad and huffy and left a barrage of increasingly nasty then pathetic messages [all of which I deleted], and when I was ready I returned her call.

What I've also done is return an early call to let mother know when I will be able to talk, then I call her at that time and ONLY that time.  If she calls in the meantime, I ignored them no matter what she said.  If she's suddenly unavailable, fine, I leave a message and continue on about my day.  I still call when I say I will.  It's training of a sort - an exercise in positive reinforcement.  You call when you say you will, and she's ignored in the meantime.  Not your stuff. 

When you talk with her, don't even acknowledge her performances in the meantime, not one word.  If she brings it up [or anything else negative or whiney for that matter], you change the subject and continue on. Keep it positive and above all, keep it brief.  It will drive her batty but save your sanity.

You don't have to be her sounding board for every imagined slight and ill.  I understand that, like mine, she whines that no one listens to her.  She's not learning - there's a reason they don't listen.  It's incessant and negative and drags people down.  Change your ways, change your relationships!  Mother doesn't get that and never will, but I do.  Finally.

Remember:  You are not her doormat.  Not her therapist.  Not her bank or financier.  You are her daughter, and by damn you deserve a life too.  Quote me.
Separating & Divorcing / Re: Did anyone else feel sad/miss the ex?
« Last post by tiredtiredtired on Yesterday at 05:12:16 PM »
Wow, I had the same thing on my list, except I got screamed at and threatened in the car instead of punched.  We deserve better. 
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