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Going No Contact with a PD Parent / Re: On a bit of a lighter note.
« Last post by nwbc on Yesterday at 06:04:24 PM »
Thanks for this! Listening - and cool that you played portal 2 through to the end :)
Healing, on think, is a ongoing process.  Two steps forward and one step back.   For me, my father's issues were so clearly obvious and physically dangerous that it was a no brainer.   I needed to be away from him, period.  The emotional abuse, intentional or no, from Dad and Mom were so much harder to identify and reconcile.    Why couldn't I have been enough?   How very damaged were they to have done and do what they continue to do?
I've been in therapy off and on since my 20's.  I'm grateful for an extremely patient and supportive FOC.   
Recently, the book "Will I Ever be Good Enough" has been a tremendous eye opener for me.   
Going No Contact with a PD Parent / Re: struggling with what I will tell my child
« Last post by nwbc on Yesterday at 06:00:04 PM »
This is a challenge, I am working on it as well with my DW and 2 boys both still children. I finally went NC this past summer. Here's some of what I've done that's made it easier.

1) Be authentic without burdening the kids. For me this has meant telling them about my childhood with both the positive and the negative. For a while I'd share each day some stories of my childhood when I was their ages. When the last abuse from my uPDm happened, I was able to be authentic with them when they asked what was happening, and told them that my M had mistreated me, and they just nodded, as they understood it wasn't anything all that new.
This is a fine balance - you want to be truthful but not have them bear the burden of your suffering.

2) Tell them that you are distant, taking a break, or estranged/ not close with your PD parent/ family. I waited until it came up a few times. I don't need to tell my kids the details - but they know I'm not close and with #1 established they've been awesome. Again, I've been careful to not burden them.

- I am not allowing my uPDm to have contact with my kids. Last time they visited with her alone my uPDm interrogated my kids on what I've told them about her, and started trying to twist them around. She then used what they said as a "gotcha" and supposed proof that I was 'turning them against her.' I told her what I've said here - that I only give them the truth, and the truth includes some negatives (and I've spared the worst details of course).
Any time she's spent with them she tries to make about her and a benefit to her. When she had my kids for a 45 min visit she blew it up to epic proportions and made herself seem like a super grandma. On the other hand when I used to ask her to watch the kids she'd always say no and play the victim, or act like it was a massive inconvenience. The irony? That she'd set me up by offering to look after them "anytime." Good riddance.

My DW and I have talked about potential future supervised visits, but for now that is out, as we don't trust anyone else to protect our kids right now.

If there's a risk she will be abusive or manipulative, don't let her be with the kids unsupervised.
Tell the kids when it becomes necessary but be truthful without burdening them.
I recently posted my experience of telling my 2 boys.
Good luck!

EDIT : Important to let kids know you have it handled. Kind of like what you need to tell your inner child - let the adult take care of it. You are safe, protected, cared for, and loved.
Separating & Divorcing / Re: Having a bad day... need support
« Last post by mrstring on Yesterday at 06:00:00 PM »
Even if he doesn't realize it doesn't make it so. I am rapidly learning that waiting for them to appreciate us is a waste of energy.

Hang in there. :)
Going No Contact with a PD Parent / Re: Do you feel alone?
« Last post by Foreignwoman on Yesterday at 05:49:13 PM »
I hope the introverts on this site can give me insight in how they cope with their loneliness because I think I can learn from that and we all maybe feel less alone. Introverts unite. Loneliness is not a disease we have to cure, it's a normal thing in our circumstance. Love to read your stories.

The Cafe / Re: Does anyone else get SAD?
« Last post by anastasia on Yesterday at 05:38:30 PM »
I'm not sure if it's SAD or not, but my immune system is always on a downer at this time of year. I'm fine in December, it's Jan, Feb and March which are a struggle. This week is usually difficult because everyone is back and work and there are lots of colds going around. Although the idea of a winter break sounds tempting I've learned from experience that flying at that time of year just aggravates my sinus problems so I'm stuck in the UK until late March at the earliest. I try to cheer myself up with winter projects like knitting and I'm starting to research my family tree.

The best thing for me is just to get lots of rest and good nutrition with a bit of fresh air and exercise. I like your ideas moglow, a home pedicure sounds lovely.
Committed to Working On It / Re: How often do you self doubt yourself
« Last post by Ellie307 on Yesterday at 05:16:11 PM »
I know. Sometimes it feels like forever.
Take care, you're going to be just fine.
Chosen Relationships / Re: Gaslighting
« Last post by In loco parentis on Yesterday at 05:10:56 PM »
Lifeline, thank you for your kind support.  Waking up, thank you for affirming what I am already all too painfully aware of--but what feels so good to receive validation for.  The authorities HAVE been alerted (and not for the first time, and only this time by my therapist and me), and I do not know whether they will actually intercede on behalf of those kids--and preferably their sick, sad, in need of help mother.  Auralee, while I understand your "Saviour Complex" assignation, do please understand my primary focus has been the welfare of those poor abused and neglected kids as a result of that hapless mother, whom I DO pity greatly, but also DO acknowledge must get her head out at last and do the work she needs to do to become a responsible adult and parent at last.  And so, if for no other reason (beyond humanity, which I maintain I need be no "savior" to exhibit humane concern for that disordered woman) than for the sake of her children, I HAVE to hope she gets the help she so obviously needs.  But I have understood practically from the moment she showed me the door that there would be no happy ending; no way for me to succeed in offering further help; no way for me to be SAFE, despite my genuine love and concern for her and her kids (see--I'm not a complete idiot!  :tongue2:), and so I DO work to move on, if my grieving will surely be deep and long and painful.  It is what it is.  I appreciate the guidance and support, all.
Dealing with PD Elderly Family Members / Re: Whipping Girl
« Last post by illogical on Yesterday at 05:08:23 PM »
...I would back way off now, even more than before. Let the people  who get paid deal with him. And take care of yourself best you can.


When I realized my NM was a sadist-- that she really did derive pleasure from my pain, it was devastating.  How could anyone be that way, but especially a parent toward their child?  Unfathomable, really.

It just showed me, though, how disordered her thinking was.  How far removed from my reality she was.  It was like she was on another planet, some alien being that could never exist in my world. 

Once I was able to swallow the truth-- and it was very difficult to get it down-- I was able to view her with an empathy I hadn't had before.  I knew she truly was a N, because a hallmark of narcissism is lack of empathy.  And I knew beyond a shadow of doubt that I wasn't a N. 

When I went NC with her, I didn't look back.  I had tried so valiantly to care for her, in vain.  She was always going to view me as less than my GC brother, who was selfish and ruthless and only cared about her for her money and his inheritance. 

It's hard to let go of illusions, but when reality sets in, it does allow one to operate in the confines given and let go of any hope that the narcissist will somehow mellow in their old age. 
Separating & Divorcing / Re: How to go "Gray Rock?"
« Last post by deverra on Yesterday at 04:54:03 PM »
Agreed, very helpful gray rock specifics!

If he is becoming obsessive and it's feeling creepy to you, I also recommend Googling yourself in every possible way (name, name and city where you live, etc) to see whether private information is online. When I realised my uBPD/uNPD (?) ex was cyberstalking me, I started looking online and saw that so much of my life is instantly visible. It's been a long road to get it removed but it's worthwhile for the safety. [Do longlost friends really need to know my mailing address?]

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