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91
Dealing with PD In-Laws / Re: how to decline hosting a bunch of PDs in our home
« Last post by hhaw on Yesterday at 09:49:04 PM »
Do what you want to do.  Politely decline with some lame ass excuse and little noises about hosting another time.

It's right and good and just to take turns, IMO.

Or to just not host anymore if you don't want to.

::shrug::

You don't have to do anything out of fear, obligation or guilt, remember?
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Dealing with PD In-Laws / how to decline hosting a bunch of PDs in our home
« Last post by Pepin on Yesterday at 09:42:24 PM »
I am feeling nauseous as I write this.  Family is coming into town soon and there is pressure for DH and I to host a BBQ.    :evil2:  The guest list will be about 23 people total.  What sickens me is the number of PD inlaws in the group that will be attending.  We hosted just under 20 people at our old home 2 years ago...and we pulled it off nicely -- luckily some of the really bad PD inlaws were not able to attend.   ;D

Since then, we have moved and that included downsizing.  I do not have the same outdoor space anymore and there is no way that I am allowing anyone to sit and eat on my furniture other than the dining room table...we really need to keep everyone outside.

It seems unfair to corner us like this!  That being said, I know if we host we will do the best job.  But at the end of the day, we have to clean up and if we are tired it is not like we can leave our own party -- even though it will be a potluck.   :ninja: 

My home is my haven from these people.  I just don't want them in my house snooping around!    >:(  The more I think about it the sicker I feel...DH is mostly on the same page as me.  Other family members in the area that have the capacity to host are coming up with lame excuses...it would be nice to take turns.  Since our home is new to some family members, they have not seen it yet -- and at this point they really don't deserve to be even invited to set foot in it. 

What should I do?   :barfy:
93
Common Behaviors / Re: Feeling inadequate
« Last post by Pepin on Yesterday at 09:27:08 PM »
I was a pretty laid back parent.  When DS wanted to take piano lessons, basketball, T-Ball, softball, whatever, I made every effort to  accommodate it but as soon as he tired of it, I allowed him to quit.  I figured he tried it and didn't care for it and I wasn't going to push it on him.


Yes, I do this, too and am trying not to beat myself up over it since my kids haven't found any true callings yet...then agin I didn't either -- but it was because I was not allowed to.
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Common Behaviors / Re: Feeling inadequate
« Last post by Pepin on Yesterday at 09:25:32 PM »
I have given myself some time today to think more about the situation.  What I failed to mention is that my neighbors have lived abroad.  I am sure that the experience for them will have a lasting and beneficial effect on their children.  And then I thought about me and my family...see, we don't have the freedom to do things like that even if we could.  ENDH is tethered to PDmil and we will be unable to move anywhere until after she passes.

Freedom.  My neighbors have the freedom to basically do whatever they want whenever they want.  Their extended families do not live close by; they made it clear that they are tight knit and very proactive about putting their family first.  That is really the root of what made me feel awful.  Because I will not be able to experience something like that.  Ever.  It is rare that as a family we just focus on ourselves....and I miss the moments where we can.  There are not enough.  Saturday mornings are when ENDH calls his mom...to see what she is doing....rather than asking what we would like to do.  I am so tired that she is in our lives as much as she is.

SO yeah, I am envious of my neighbors for their family dynamic and I am sad for myself, my children and even my marriage.  Sure, ENDH could move for work and actually he should.  His career likely won't progress much further and he will retire where we live -- which is pretty sad.  In fact, there are other parts of the country that are better suited for his job but instead he has decided to stick it out there we are because of PDmil.  It was actually difficult for him to find work close by and for a while he had to commute out of State every week -- which meant that our children were deprived of their Dad.  All because of PDmil and his loyalty to her. 

95
Common Behaviors / Re: Brain research on empathy development
« Last post by all4peace on Yesterday at 09:17:00 PM »
I've read about empathy studies in toddler where if one toddler is hurt and the other cries, that's not considered empathy (something along the lines of making the pain about one's self instead of the other person?). The empathy is measured when the other toddler does something to try to comfort the crying toddler.

This has been referred to as reactive crying - it's really more about the child being concerned that something alarming is happening and could affect them.  When a toddler brings their own "lovey" to another crying child, that is considered a show of empathy. They understand the child is upset, and offer the other child what calms them down.
Yes! That's the one! Thanks for correcting the inference, which I had incorrectly remembered.
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Hi both,

Thank you so much for your comments, I really appreciate it a lot.

Actually I checked my person A's behavior with the Toolbox disorder descriptions, and he has suspiciously a lot of similarities with a Narcissistic person... everythin in my mind just falls into place - guess I'm having what is called a light bulb moment.

Obsidian: your relative gives me eery chills - sorry is so overrated, sorry without actions of change are just empty words

I feel much more at peace now, because I just knew all along something was wrong, but couldn't put my finger on it.
It is like: am I the problem, or is it him?

I am letting it go now, because I have come to realize there is nothing I can change. So I change MYSELF and distance from it.
It has taken a toll on my time and health and I am relieved to focus my time and energy on things that are constructive to my life.

Thanks for responding, it helps a lot to know there are people who have gone through the same thing.
Together we stay strong - and sane.


K
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Separating & Divorcing / Re: Why do I feel like the "bad" person
« Last post by Kit99 on Yesterday at 09:11:59 PM »
HHaw-  :applause: such excellent points!!! 1) the time with the kids... He got an extra 30 minutes last weekend get texted me 15 minutes early to see how quickly I was going to be there because our youngest was having a meltdown. He won't know what to do with all the time he's demanded when he gets it... Unless he has his girlfriend watch them, which is likely. 2) he would blow a gasket if he heard about me dating someone (ultimate narcissistic injury and 3) you're right in that I shouldn't let this experience ruin any hopes of a great relationship in the future.

M- it helps to hear about your experience. I think it's unlikely that I'll date while the kids are so young and with all the other adjustments they are having to adapt to. That being said, I do want them to have a good example of a father. They have a loving grandfather and an amazing uncle, both of whom they love dearly but it really makes me sad that their actual father is so emotionally stunted and inherently self absorbed.  I didn't see the truth about who is is until it was too late. He has a lot of attractive qualities but, as someone on this forum wisely said, a PD is like fools gold.

P.S. Every time we watch a kids movie with a mom and dad or even just a dad I can feel my heart breaking for my kids. It's good that your son was able to express his feelings to you. It's so hard to know the right way to respond. I try to validate my son's feelings or concerns without ostracizing my h (not that it isn't sometimes warranted!).
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Common Behaviors / Re: Brain research on empathy development
« Last post by VividImagination on Yesterday at 08:42:55 PM »
Also, it seems to be implied that highly empathetic parenting would lead to lighly empathetic children (and vice versa) 

I'm curious as to why you say this.
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The Cafe / It's good to laugh, but......
« Last post by hhaw on Yesterday at 08:41:18 PM »
sometimes the humor is a bit dark.

I have the movie THE CAMPAIGN playing in the background, bc it's light, and feels really really refreshing to laugh.  I highly recommend it.... laughing, not necessarily the movie or tv.... just something funny.  And I have been laughing.

I will say that when Will Farrell says.... "Welcome to the show" it reminded me very much of my ASPD stbx behind the scenes persona...... and the protagonist getting smacked, and schooled by the campaign manager reminds me of getting whipped into shape by touch attorneys lacking empathy.

Whoo, what a ride.



100
Common Behaviors / Re: Brain research on empathy development
« Last post by VividImagination on Yesterday at 08:38:24 PM »
I've read about empathy studies in toddler where if one toddler is hurt and the other cries, that's not considered empathy (something along the lines of making the pain about one's self instead of the other person?). The empathy is measured when the other toddler does something to try to comfort the crying toddler.

This has been referred to as reactive crying - it's really more about the child being concerned that something alarming is happening and could affect them.  When a toddler brings their own "lovey" to another crying child, that is considered a show of empathy. They understand the child is upset, and offer the other child what calms them down.
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