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91
I also have a lot of problems asking for what I need in a friendship or even in my relationship with my H or even my own children.  With friends I tend to give and give and give until it becomes so one sided and I become so angry and then I often become quite passive aggressive and the other person doesn't know whats going on and we end up in a blow up and then never talk again!  I'm not like that with everyone just friends who are more dominant than me. ....

 I like to make real connections with people and I often make mistakes in thinking those friendships are deeper than they are because I often realize too late when I have already invested a lot of time and energy into the friendship that the other person often doesn't feel the same about the friendship that I do. 

Wow, Claudia, the sentences I quoted above, I could have written myself. In fact, you described it better than I could have.  I've struggled with these issues for years, mostly with female friends. Not as much with males. 

I was so surprised to see that you wrote about the "thinking friendships are deeper than they are" - that is a BIG one for me. I have had to really work on that over the past few years. For myself, I find that I don't often encounter people that I really click with. So when I do, I become way more attached to them than they do with me. Its like I am a little kid who just got the best present ever for Christmas- that is how a good friend makes me feel. But to them, I am just one of many nice little presents.  Usually this happens with extroverts who have lots of friends. I am an introvert and very selective about who I consider a friend. But I've realized this was making me too dependent on the few friends I had.

It has taken me soooo long to learn how to tamp down on my enthusiasm for a particular friend, and adjust to a more moderate level of friendship.  What I am finding, though, is that when I do this, the friendships become more stable and mature.

Anyway, thanks for your post- you described something I've had a hard time putting into words.
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Mine lies over stupid things that don't matter. His reason? Because they're stupid things that don't matter. He HATES liars, but will tell a lie in a flat second if he has no respect for someone, or doesn't care about their opinion. I don't like telemarketers, but I don't lie to them, I just say, 'No thanks' and hang up! He'll jack with one for 10 minutes, lying all the way, just to end up hanging up on them anyway - because he's annoyed that day.

He has told me a couple of times in advance that he was going to lie to a mutual acquaintance, because he didn't want to do the thing he'd promised to do, but didn't want to hurt the guy's feelings, either. The lie he came up with was so elaborate, it required my assistance to make it sound not ludicrous. I also knew the fellow, and told H that the friend could handle the truth, really he could. But, no, the lie was deployed. Then quickly abandoned as H realized that the friend could indeed handle the truth, that H just didn't want to do that on that day. UGH.

Another common PD behavior...they so despise liars yet they do so multiple times on a daily basis.

Yes! This rings true.  My H says that he assumes everyone is lying.   And that he hates lying more than anything, yet will do it freely when it suits him.
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Thanks for the insight Jennifersmith, sorry about the double whammy, I feel the same. Trapped in a mess I shouldn't be in but hey !! Ho!! I am getting stronger. Do you find once you get over something (work it out) there's more and more , it's like you never get as strong and as free as you thought.

I do feel that way to some extent. I've been NC more than 10 years and while it has solved many problems, it has created a new set with which I have to grapple. I have absolutely no regret about my decision to go NC, but I am sad that it had the ripple effects in the rest of my family that it did.  Had I known all those years ago that this would be the outcome- I think I still would have gone through with it.

There are times I feel responsible for our family "falling apart" due to my NC. But I know that is not true. My NC just revealed the deep dysfunction in our family that goes back for generations, and made it all the more apparent to everyone else who was trying to pretend it didn't exist.  They wanted to go along with the facade that everything was normal. I blew that up, and now we're all forced to deal with the reality of how bad our relationships are with each other.
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Dealing with PD In-Laws / Gearing up for another summer of PD fun!
« Last post by shutterbug1120 on Yesterday at 04:19:41 PM »
This time of year is always really hard on me because its the time when uNMIL and FIL start to pack up and head across the country to our area.   Last summer they were here for 4+ mos - don't stay with us but very close and because they chose to live on the other side of the country they feel the burden is heavily on us when they arrive to make up for any and all lost time.  Long story short they expect to see us and the kids at least 5 days/week (too much if they were normal) and uNMIL spends much of her time torturing me mentally, undermining our parenting, seeping into all aspects of our life, not allowing us to spend time with others (and pouting when we do) and her favorite - show her venom toward my parents and try to destroy our relationship with them.
After all of that time last year I knew there was something seriously wrong, did my research and - bingo - here I am.  Its been an emotional roller coaster for DH and I with the discovery of NPD, but for the first time in my adult life I feel really good.  I have been able to focus on my FOC and so has DH.   
The shift hasn't gone unnoticed by the IL's - although from the distance they haven't said much about it.  I've gotten some very weird contact from uNMIL but not nearly as much as usual.  I know they realize something big has changed, and I am very nervous to see how they're going to handle that change once they're back in town.

I'm partially venting because I've heard from them twice in a week with vague references to just a few more weeks now until they're here.   I know when they're arriving (basically at the first sign of nice weather) but have no idea when they are leaving.   We are going on vacation with the kids at the beginning of August, and I was originally under the impression that they would be leaving by then (she is typically angry if we do something that doesn't include them, so does a big showy push-away).   

Today I received a text that indicates that they may be here - again - for the entire summer.   
I have been doing so well and this little bit of information has really thrown me.   Every visit is an endurance race, the race grows longer every year and I just don't think that I can handle it!  I felt as though I could struggle through 8 weeks, but 12 or 15??  I don't have it in me!   

Any advice or words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated!  I know a lot of you are NC - I wish we could be but as it stands DH doesn't think it would be a good solution (I could go the rest of my life never having contact, but I have to respect his wishes!)
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The Welcome Mat / Mother in Law with PD?
« Last post by JaneWorks on Yesterday at 04:15:40 PM »
Hi I am new, and grateful to have found a place to make me feel a little less alone! I believe my mother in law has a PD, I strongly suspect it is Narcissistic personality disorder. My maid of honor is a psychologist and when I mentioned it ( i majored in Psych in College) she thought the same thing, but we obviously cannot be certain.

I always found her behavior to be somewhat odd, but what's normal anyway? I have been married to my husband for 3 years, we dated for 2 years beforehand and because we live in different parts of the country from his family, we don't interact all that much. She's never shown any interest in me, and when my mom died shortly after we got engaged that didn't change... but she began dictating all kinds of things about the wedding to my husband. The ceremony, the flowers, the food, the wine, etc. When she found out we wouldn't have a mass she refused to attend unless we changed it... even though this was a week before the wedding and we had been telling her for over a year. When my husband explained that I never wanted to get married in a church in the first place, I was doing it for them, he said "She is the bride" and she screamed back "I AM YOUR MOTHER, I TAKE PRECEDENCE!" and began literally wailing. She then claimed to be sick on the day of our wedding, went to the hospital and they sent her home saying nothing was wrong, she showed up in sweatpants saying she was too sick to get dressed, while drinking alcohol. Since then things have gotten worse. She still doesn't know what her son or I do for a living, she's never asked. Everytime we see her she talks for hours on end about herself. She convinced my husband to extend our trip for the holidays at a cost of $800 to us just so we could have brunch with her (through lots of tears and wailing), and then she cancelled the morning of saying "She didn't feel like it" and acted like the tears had never happened. My father in law hurt his back and has to take heavy duty pain medication and she convinced my husband (again, through many histrionics) that his father's life would be in jeopardy if he were to drive the moving truck with his sisters belongings from Richmond, VA to their home in Kansas and that she could not because she "shouldn't have to." So she wanted my husband to take 4 days off of work to do it. He again, agreed, even though it meant cancelling a romantic weekend on our anniversary. These are only a few examples, I could make a list for days. Her manipulation is legendary and I can spot it from a mile away, but he doesn't seem to see it. Her behavior upsets him and hurts his feelings, but beyond that he doesn't see what he can do.

How do you all deal with someone like this? The hardest part for me is watching my husband be hurt by his mother who he loves very much. Of course it hurts me (especially since my own mother passed away) that I don't have a maternal figure in my life, but she has made it clear that I am not her blood and therefore she doesn't care about me, so I accepted it. Do I bite my tongue? Do I suggest resources to my husband?

I forgot to mention - she also dictates what people may order at restaurants and how much of it they can consume. She did throw me a lovely bridal shower, but it was a tea party (I hate the taste of tea) but I was grateful and played along and then about a year later I heard her telling the story of her tea party to a friend and not once did she mention me or what the tea party was for, she acted as if it was because she wanted to have a tea party so she just had one. I am open to any resources people can recommend, thanks!
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Working on Us / Random passing PDs...
« Last post by Orangeblossom77 on Yesterday at 04:14:46 PM »
I am thinking MC and the like can help with others...like passing possible random PDs like the one i met in town yesterday.

I was in Gap, there was a sale on so was hovering near the till with my stuff...then saw this cross woman all uppity, she told me "I think you'll find I'm first! And the queue starts here" (pointing behind her as if she expected me to move) It was very quiet, and no need for this fuss. Most people would say "after you" to be polite... I just ignored her, and she glared at me, then when the lady on the tills asked who was next, I said "This lady is" pointing behind me at her. I smiled oh-so-kindly (but fixedly)

I am not going to react to bad behaviour.
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Mine lies over stupid things that don't matter. His reason? Because they're stupid things that don't matter. He HATES liars, but will tell a lie in a flat second if he has no respect for someone, or doesn't care about their opinion. I don't like telemarketers, but I don't lie to them, I just say, 'No thanks' and hang up! He'll jack with one for 10 minutes, lying all the way, just to end up hanging up on them anyway - because he's annoyed that day.

He has told me a couple of times in advance that he was going to lie to a mutual acquaintance, because he didn't want to do the thing he'd promised to do, but didn't want to hurt the guy's feelings, either. The lie he came up with was so elaborate, it required my assistance to make it sound not ludicrous. I also knew the fellow, and told H that the friend could handle the truth, really he could. But, no, the lie was deployed. Then quickly abandoned as H realized that the friend could indeed handle the truth, that H just didn't want to do that on that day. UGH.

Another common PD behavior...they so despise liars yet they do so multiple times on a daily basis.
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Chosen Relationships / Re: Emotional Abuse ???
« Last post by Verity on Yesterday at 04:14:18 PM »
Oh Almondblossom, I'm right there with you. My uN/OCPDh sounds just like yours. I'm sorry to say that you won't get an apology because they can never be wrong. You're doing a great job with your daughter. Like you, I'm a people pleaser, but I have learned to back my older daughter when he starts in on her. And yes, she's the scapegoat and not my other two. I think it's because we are close and he sees this closeness as a threat.

I'm still working my way out of this marriage (married 25+ years now), so I haven't got as much experience as some on this board, but I can tell you that this is no way to live. Good luck and keep up the good work.
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Working on Us / Re: Unsure about friendship
« Last post by Orangeblossom77 on Yesterday at 04:10:03 PM »
Sunshine yes the narc I had used to go on about what a 'great mum' I was too! haha and do stuff expecting things in return. Bring me flowers and stuff, then dump the kids on me...glad to be rid.
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Common Behaviors / Re: Seizures
« Last post by bruceli on Yesterday at 04:06:24 PM »
The article said that sometimes they can be due to some kind of trauma in childhood. uPD mum said hers started when she fell off a stool in science at school and hit her head but not sure how true that is...

In the case of mine, 2 major auto accidents with head trauma along with beatings...ironically, due to her PD behaviors.
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