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Separating & Divorcing / Re: Taking control in a dream- a sign?
« Last post by dreamtree on Today at 10:07:01 AM »
You're right, I was the same person. And he was that old person. The difference in me was knowledge.

I think the one thing we have going for us, my daughter and I, is that he began treatment for anger and depression a few years ago, and he was open at the time about "working on it" (he wasn't of course) and the fact that he was taking medication. That gave us a point of reference to talk about Daddy not being well. He is sick.

A funny thing happened the other day. Well, kind of funny. He yelled at our daughter because she and her friend made a mess during a playdate on one of her visits with him. My daughter reported that he said "Im not yelling because I have a mental illness! " which, as she put it, "makes him sound like he has a mental illness." We both laughed.

Im thinking that I need to avail myself of a support group for families with a loved one with mental illness. Apparently NAMI has support groups for kids.
Working on Us / Re: The anger finally came
« Last post by barbie86 on Today at 10:04:35 AM »
Thanks so much for this post.

I've noticed I bottle things up way too much, and then it ends up boiling over at some point, but even then I don't fully let loose; it's like I allow bits of it out, but not all of it. I feel like just letting loose completely would really help, so I might give it a go next time I'm feeling mad at her for whatever reason.

Glad to hear it's helped you to feel better; I can relate to pretty much everything you've said and it's comforting to know I'm not alone (though upsetting to know so many other people have gone through the same thing).
Committed to Working On It / Re: New to the forum
« Last post by BmoreRED on Today at 10:02:34 AM »
Welcome Missbeth6. I'm glad you are here on this site.   My SO is also OCPD. I know the struggle of maintaining my dignity and self respect in the face of irrational compulsions of someone I love.   I've felt belittled and humiliated trying to accommodate her compulsions.

I have a few thoughts on your post.
1. Logging your experiences and feelings is a great way to keep track of progress, patterns and warning signs.   However, if you hope to use it as proof to show your SO in the hopes that he'll see it and change his behavior then forget it.  Rarely, if ever, do our facts, evidence or investigations change their minds.   As nonPDs we think that rational and logical input will make a difference, but their needs aren't rational or logical.   He's not blaming your son's behavior on you because it makes sense.   He's blaming it on you because that's where he feels that he has control.  He feels out of control as a parent of an 8 yr old so he goes back to the place he has successfully gotten control in the past. Here's my guess at his ocpd brainprocess. Junior isn't behaving how I want.  I can't make him behave how I want.  I feel out of control.  Being out of control frightens me. Where can I get control???!!  SNACKS!! I know how to control snacks and my loving wife.  That's what I'll do.   If you are committed to staying in your relationship, the trick all of us npds are always working on is not taking it personally, not losing ourselves and protecting the children.

2.  Banning people from the house like your mother is a dangerous isolation strategy.  We npds are always picking our battles.   I acquiesce on lining up the stupid bath mats to her specifications and I tolerate her endless judgements on people but as someone living with chronic depression I draw a line at any attempts to isolate.
Good luck.  I hope I've shared something useful.

Chosen Relationships / Re: My maybe final attempt email to uPDH
« Last post by FoggyNight on Today at 10:01:59 AM »

Just a thought, but have you considered puting a timeline, milestones and goals with dates associated with each for him to follow?

Otherwise, I beleive you were very clear on your needs and wants.  You are offering the gift of reconcilliation.  Gifts are given and are ment to be appreciated as such.  I'm wondering if he will recognize what you are offering is a gift, or punishment.

Oh, the dreaded "tit for tat" agreement.  I never could stomach that one. 

Yes, and I was CERTAIN that he would not be able to "sweep it under the rug..."  he would have brought it up time and time again.  They never can keep to their word.

SweetGem29 might have a point.  If your exH was sensitive about his performance in bed, he may have gotten the condoms for just that very purpose...  And, given how jealous he was of other men, maybe he felt sexually inadequate and "projected" his feelings of inadequacy onto you by accusing you of cheating...  His thoughts may have been, "She doesn't want me because she wants other men", instead of the thought he might have feared the most:  "She doesn't want me because I am a lousy lover".

No, he was not lousy.  But after years and years of essentially being called a "whore" (i.e., "wanting to fu** every guy I know..) it pretty much killed any emotional and physical attraction.  Women are creatures of feelings....when a man puts us down and makes us feel like a two-bit whore, how can they expect that we will accept them with open, loving arms?

Working on Us / Re: Quotes you like...
« Last post by Spring Butterfly on Today at 09:58:50 AM »
I'm canceling my subscription to your drama.
Separating & Divorcing / Re: I am so confused!
« Last post by ButterflyWings on Today at 09:52:37 AM »
Thank you for your responses! I fell into a trap last night. It started when H sent me a ridiculously long email detailing how I have ruined HIS life throughout our marriage. Needless to say I only read about 2% of it because it is the same crap over and over again. I ignored it and he continued to try to engage me by texting about it. I ignored that until he had to go to sleep, then he said he would call me when he "was up" which meant when I would be in bed. Without fail, he called at 11:30 PM to wake me up for more of his ranting and berating. I tried not to engage him and respond only when necessary to minimize the collateral damage, but I failed miserably.

It ended up being a 3 hour smear campaign where he pulled out all the stops to fire me up, claiming that he talked to lawyer who told him he had the right to get a court to force me to quit my job and move wherever HE said so that he would have unrestricted access to the kids. Then it evolved to how he would just quit his job and take the kids from me so that I would have to pay HIM child support AND alimony. It finally spiraled so far out of control, that he said he would NEVER grant me a divorce and force me to stay legally married to him while he slept with "all the toothless truck stop whores he could find". By this point, it was late and I was exhausted and I just went off on him (which is what he wanted all along). The sick part is I could hear the joy in his voice when I finally did break, and it made me physically ill to realize that I had just fed his depravity with another little part of my soul. I finally pulled myself back together and told him that I had to be up for work in a few hours (which he mocked me for) and eventually got him to hang up, leaving my physically and mentally wasted.

I don't know how much longer I can take this. I never really had a word for what he is until I heard someone use the term "Emotional Vampire" and it hit home. For 12 years he has sucked the life out of me, leaving me an empty shell with only a tiny bit of myself cowering in the corner of the empty space. I have to do something soon before he kills the last bit of me. I am still weighing my options, but I know that I have to at least get some advice from a lawyer to find out what he really CAN do based on what he THINKS he can do. During his rant, he kept forcing me to answer rhetorical questions, saying "Your life hangs in the balance of answering this question right" when there were no answers. When I asked if he meant to kill me, he laughed and criticized me for being so stupid, then went on to clarify that he meant he would make my life so miserable, I wouldn't even want to live anymore. What he fails to realize, is that he has already done that, but I am not ready to let him win.  :'(

Separating & Divorcing / Re: Finally, Some Sort of Breakthrough
« Last post by Latchkey on Today at 09:50:45 AM »
Divorce is just another process. You are smart and you need an attorney (representing you-- and also for the sake of your kids) to do this right.

I know some use mediators but I was advised with first divorce from PDH1 that if there has been abuse then there is no way you should be or in my case "can use" a mediator. In my case there was some physical abuse- not years and years of it-- but there were years of emotional and financial abuse. What you describe in your posts seems like a lot of the latter and so if you try to use a mediator or DIY it will  be more of a maze than you are in now and will be very hard.  I am paraphrasing here from my attorney's web site -- You guys are not able to agree on this stuff during marriage so how can you expect to agree and figure this stuff out easily or at all while divorcing.

Think of a good attorney like a diplomat, surgeon, professional, wise person and hire someone who feels like all these things. Your H may end up retaining an attorney- he may threaten to get one, he may threaten you or belittle you for hiring one, may hoover like mad to get you to agree to just be roomates forever ....

The first step is to interview with a few more attorneys or go back to the first one and explain that you want a divorce, that your H agrees but he doesn't want (at this point) to retain an attorney and that you want an attorney to protect your interests and keep the costs as low as possible. My attorney told me that by doing it this way we kept our divorce and retainer costs to half just out of the gate. exH agreed to pay 1/2 the fees and retainer and so with a $400 hr attorney we only ended up paying about 3500 total for whole divorce and we are still making payments.

 Believe me, it's worth it to hire the best, most experienced attorney you can find and afford when dealing with a N. I found my attorney who was in his 70s was just the right combination of knowledge, humor, and legal teeth (and claws) to protect me but also not make my now exH feel like he was being screwed. Well, he said he felt like he was-- but he still signed... :-\
Working on Us / Re: The anger finally came
« Last post by Spring Butterfly on Today at 09:48:27 AM »
Learning to feel anger and let it wash through me rather than either supressing or expressing has helped. Growing up I didn't learn how to feel, to sit back and examine the emotion, to dig for understanding. I was taught to suppress the emotion while uPDm was allowed full vent expressing of any feeling she had and I don't think either option is healthy for me.
Chosen Relationships / My maybe final attempt email to uPDH
« Last post by mischa1 on Today at 09:47:41 AM »
So I sent him this bc I think he deserves a chance as he has been making progress. However I strongly believe we must enter therapy right now if we are going to have any chance of staying together. I got no response last night but hope to get a text or call today that we have an appointment. Here is my attempt

I think I have found a place to stay for a month that is furnished and available now. I will go look at it and talk to whoever it is that's living there. If it works out I will move there immediately. I can't and don't trust you for very good reasons. You have pushed me away and I'm so depressed and sick that I just don't know what to do. If you want to work out our marriage I suggest you call any of the 3 people I will list below. They are all marriage therapists and can help us. If you don't want to work it out with a professional then you need to look for another place to live as I will be letting this apartment go.  I see no benefit in us talking alone as that has not worked at all in the past. As soon as the conversation is on something you don't like you check out or run away. I've been begging you to talk this out with me because until you do we have no chance at a marriage.   I told you if you drank you had to leave and you said you would sleep In your jeep if it got bad. Well it's bad and you are just going to let me sleep on the fucking street. Nice!!!  Here are the names and numbers. Let me know when the appt is.

Name number and address of 3 therapist in our area

You blame it all on me but if not for me you would be homeless and drunk in a gutter if not dead, but probably dead. Maybe you need to think a little about that and what I have put myself through and the sacrifices I made to try to keep us together.  What sacrifices have you made for our relationship or for me???  Think about what you have done to make it up to me. And stopping doing it all is not making it up to me. It's stopping what you never should have been doing in the 1st place.   You have come a long way but we are far from there yet. Things got better for you but they have not been better for me bc I hold so much resentment towards you for all the horrible things you have done to me. I told you we have to work through all that but you refuse.   I am not living in the past. You need to understand I want to resolve issues from our recent past. Very different from only talking about my distant past.

Whatever you want to do but I'm sick of not getting love and affection. I sick of living like ill matched roommates. I'm sick of feeling no emotional connection.  Sick of never being held or kissed or touched. Sick of not being cared for the way I care for you when you need it. You are not there for me in any of the way I need you to be there. I can't talk to you about it bc you shut down or deny what I'm saying is true or ever happened. And I know in your mind you have somehow apologized to me but you haven't.   I know you want me to sweep it all under the rug and just forget about it but I can't.  It was too much horrible shit to just let it go. If I did to you what you did to me I would probably be dead in a field somewhere as you threatened me with all the time with.

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