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You have gotten some good feedback here. I just wanted to agree with some of the earlier replies that sometimes written letters are just used against you later on to paint you in a negative light. When I sent a letter to my mom she couldn't hear what I had to say and the letter was only used to smear my name. One good thing about my letter is that I took my dignity back and set a boundary with her. That was more for me and my benefit. It didn't change her behavior.
Chosen Relationships / Re: Would rather go anyplace but home
« Last post by stupidgirl on Today at 02:05:37 PM »
Sorry, I had to put my thoughts in here. As I drive home from work, thinking about how I've missed seeing my two daughters all day, I get very shaky and start chain smoking. It's him that makes me feel this way. I know as soon as I walk in, he'll start complaining about how bad they were or how I didn't do something or whatever I did wasn't right. My anxiety has gotten so bad that I've had to go on Ativan for it. I shake whenever he is around. Trying to figure out what to do because I just can't keep my girls in this situation anymore. And it's gotten so much worse in the past month. Summer is hard because he has them both home. He's disabled and doesn't work. But he can go shooting or other things. Just had to say something to your post because you are definitely not alone. We live near an airport and I watch the planes, wishing I was on one with my kids, leaving.  :'(
An Unsent Letter / Re: I'm Sorry I Can't Call
« Last post by tonkaster on Today at 02:01:19 PM »
Yes, exactly!

Word for word.

Loo loo,

I am sorry this happened to you. It does qualify as abuse. It must have been horrible for you. Best wishes in your recovery. I also appreciate you support in one of my other posts!
Thank you- excellent advise. I like that you helped with the words.
Chosen Relationships / Re: Putting the puzzle pieces together
« Last post by tommom on Today at 01:36:36 PM »
mekame, I have lots of PDs in my family and extended family. I know they say that there is supposed to be an "abuse" trigger for a PD, but I have a niece who is is severely, severely BPD and to my knowledge, she had no "abuse" at all.

She had some sort of problems from birth. When she was an infant, the doctors said she had colic, but it was unbelievable. I swear, there was never a time when I walked into my sister's house when someone (my parents, his parents, my sisters, neighbors, anyone!) was not walking with her, trying to comfort her sometimes unbearable screaming. (My sister isn't nuts; I don't know why!!) As she got older, she got wilder. Not bad-wild, she never did drugs, etc. just wild emotionally. Angry, crying, funny (she was the most entertaining child and still IS entertaining today as an adult), impulsive, just wild. To her mom and for me, she was a borderline from day one, although we didn't know back then what that meant. Their next child was -and is  -perfectly normal. My sister used to go into her bedroom and night (she admitted this years later) and hold a mirror under her second child's nose to make sure she was actually breathing. Third child, is the sweetest young man I have ever known. Responsible, recently married to an adorable girl. Second also niece has two completely wonderful kids.

Here's the odd thing, the oldest niece now has a daughter, not quite 2, who is exactly like her. (Looks just like her.) From birth she has been loud, demanding, impulsive in the extreme, etc. I mean as over-the-top as her mother. (Behaviors we would all recognize.) She is adorable, but I can clearly see it. So can my sister, her grandmother. BPD niece (yes, she is diagnosed)also has a son, aged 5 who is the opposite. Very smart, studious, quiet, all of it.

I think, from watching my own family, that their is a genetic component and in some cases it cannot be overcome. "Abuse" not needed. The BPD niece was raised in a stable and loving home but she was a borderline from day one. (As now, is her daughter, we fear.)

Your husband's situation isn't just possible...it has happened in mine.

An Unsent Letter / To my exís new girlfriend Ė
« Last post by tonkaster on Today at 01:31:18 PM »
You donít deserve this. Neither did I. Nobody does.

I hope you believe that, even if you donít believe anything else that Iím writing to you now.

Right now, he is so sweet. What an amazing person. So much fun! And so attentive!

Heís good looking and has a sexy ďdad-bodĒ. Heís strong and healthy.

Always, heís an excellent kisser. Gives great hugs. Heís consistently good in bed. Nothing to complain about there, if you know what I mean.

Heís a hard worker that has great ethics and values his family and friends. Your family and friends are charmed and impressed.

You have probably already let your guard down. After all, everything is great!

We were together for nearly three decades, since we were eighteen. We had a child, a house, and a business together. We were nearly inseparable. We truly enjoyed spending time together. We looked like a cute couple.

I was his biggest fan. I would do nearly anything for him. Our lives revolved around him.


It wasnít enough.

We could have floated off into the sunset in a sea of the tears that I cried over him while we were still together.

Before he found you, he fucked anything with a pulse. Heíll do it while youíre together, too.

Sorry, honey, you donít stand a chance.

For your sake, thatís probably a good thing.


I just wanted to say that I think Pretty Pictures has some good advice when she said:

Quote from: PrettyPictures
Also, no matter how angry you might get about the situation, never let FOO see it.  I made a few mistakes along the way in which I got so angry about the way FOO was treating me that I lashed out on Facebook. They were able to use my anger and say "See, look how mean and cruel she is!

This is very true. It took me way to long to get that my emails explaining the problems were going to prove just how "awful" I am. My attempts to try to explain our problems were just interpreted as "attacks" and I was just terrible for telling the truth. I felt like if I could just explain this they would see the light. They just used it to vilify me.

I get frustrated with myself that it took me way to long to see this. I only caused myself a lot of pain by continuing to "explain."  I hope that Pretty Pictures and my story can save you a lot of grief.
First hugs, because that sucks. Second, and I am not making excuses for her, but is it possible in her disjointed, disconnected reality that you being pregnant is the only reason that she would "accept" as a reason for kicking her out? Her "reality" will only allow that as an explanation?
Chosen Relationships / Re: "I'm not a quitter" he says
« Last post by lonewolf on Today at 01:11:56 PM »
Every time he tries that line, I am starting to imagine the billboard he's painting for himself ~ I told her I don't quit, so if this fails it's all on HER. Neener, neener, neener. I said it so it must be true! Just because they say it doesn't mean they're living it.

I think I'm just beginning to understand. If feelings equal facts and feelings change, then so do the facts. Whatever SO feels now is true to him/her. So, they're NOT quitters in the moment. Does NOT make it true, regardless of how sincere he/she is.
Yep. This is how it is. I say "No mas" and THEN, I get hugs and kisses and rubbing on my back as I'm sitting at the computer. I'm thinking, "Um, where did THIS woman go that she suddenly reappears when her SO says I'm done waiting on you to step up and be a wife?" I think to myself - you CAN do the things I needed - you just chose not to do them - so now I'm expected to just go, "That's OK. All is forgiven." NO, NO, NO. I told you I was done 2 years ago and I convinced myself to stay and try longer...but when I saw that things were not going to change, I made the switch in my mind. I have to keep moving forward now...
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