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Chosen Relationships / Re: Hello all - long time no see - UPDATE
« Last post by Long Time on Yesterday at 06:36:40 PM »
If he comes back, your life will be worse. Rather than occasional LC threats, you'll get daily manipulation and ugliness. Your safe zone will be breached, and you'll end up moving all over again, with even more wrath directed at you this time.

Maintain status quo. Go back and read your older posts. You may have forgotten what it felt like to live with a psycho tyrant. [/b]And how great you felt when you got out.

Keep us posted on DD. He has nothing to offer you there either. Let us support you. We'll actually be nice and sincere.

Big hugs. With PDs, there are always tough times. Just stay your course.

I agree....remind yourself what it was like, and make a promise to yourself that you will never let that happen to you again.

Hoping all goes well with DD...

Unchosen Relationships / Re: Hatefilled mother will not leave me alone
« Last post by Nostromo on Yesterday at 06:34:39 PM »
The second message she sent you sounded like something my dad would have sent me.

When I was reading it, I noticed not one single sentence was remorseful or genuinely apologetic. It was all martyr-esque and blaming. My Ndad does the exact same thing. "Oh, it must be SO TERRIBLE to have a dad that takes you places and buys you things!" It's asinine. Basically she was just saying that she's sorry you're a terrible daughter.

Screw that. Forget her.

I don't blame you for going NC, and I especially don't blame you for wishing she was dead so you don't get these awful messages. I'm sorry she is bothering you. You're very strong for going NC and not responding. Please teach me your ways!
Unchosen Relationships / Re: How was your NM reaction when you left home?
« Last post by MotherMoon on Yesterday at 06:33:48 PM »
My Mom couldn't wait to be rid of me.  She had always "joked" that her gift for my high school graduation would be luggage. 

When I finally did graduate, times were tense.   Her live-in boyfriend had just been moved out of the house because of him playing voyeur through my window when I was undressed in my room.  Despite this, my mom wanted to continue their relationship.  So the week I graduated high school she took me to the Dr and had me put on some heavy-duty anti-anxiety meds (without my asking) and then moved me to a new place with some slight family acquaintances until I could find an apartment, a job and start school.

My Mom applauded herself with this classy sendoff.  I always felt kicked out.
Unchosen Relationships / Re: Wondering when the voices in my head will stop
« Last post by kande on Yesterday at 06:32:29 PM »
i thought I  was odd and the only one who did this until i read this thread, thanks it has given me reassurance that others have this too
Chosen Relationships / Re: did your gut instinct warn you
« Last post by Long Time on Yesterday at 06:29:08 PM »
No, not at the beginning. A year or two in, perhaps, but by then, as a young 20 year old, I felt "invested" because of those years. I remember having instincts to go after maybe two years, then four years, then six years, and felt like I didn't want to throw that time "away". Instead I wasted more.

Yup...because you always think it's going to get better....
Chosen Relationships / Re: I Filed for Divorce
« Last post by Long Time on Yesterday at 06:26:47 PM »
I hope you can take time for yourself and mourn the losses, as they come- and don't worry about being supportive until you feel you can. I have seen you be warm and welcoming on this board to others. Now it's our turn to support you!

I have been free of my pdxh for more than two years. Having just past another holiday season (mostly alone) at age 50+ I can tell you it's too quiet at times, even if I stay busy. There are still moments that I miss him or things about him that I liked. He wasn't ALL bad or I'd never have loved or married him.

I gave up a lot to be with him, gave up even more to stay with him and damn near lost myself trying to make it all work.  I lost important parts of myself as our marriage careened out of control due to his PD behaviors.
I fled our home to escape his rages, basically with the clothes on my back. Nobody should live in fear. That's not a life.

The freedom and peace I feel now is priceless to me. I will never give up those important parts of me-my self worth, my integrity, my trust in myself, my belief in what's right and wrong-to BE with another person.

Holymanna...the former you, the You that loved life- is still buried inside. Find her, learn about her and nurture her-she will blossom. You'll see.
god bless,

Bonnieg:  That's a beautiful post!  Thank you, I needed to hear it too!
But my mom has a friend who "joked" almost every time I saw her about how I was my mom's meal ticket, and that I better work harder at my career (which I already work pretty hard at, thank you) so I can add the "mom apartment" onto my house. And how I better (reach super-difficult, pie-in-the-sky work goal) so I can support my mother in the manner she deserves. HARHARHARHAR.

I tried to resolve this issue with clever comments about how it was none of her business. But that didn't help. So I just stopped spending time around her all together.

Wow. Can we say projecting her own desires/demands?
Working on Us / Re: The brightest red flag I ever blew past
« Last post by earwak on Yesterday at 06:14:07 PM »
same here, I blelieved everyone was the same. what an eye opener.
Working on Us / Re: My hardest truth
« Last post by Vesuvius on Yesterday at 06:11:11 PM »


Hope this helps.  Haven't posted it in a while so it's a rerun for those who have seen it.

If you can "Day Dream" and believe ....you may be able to get what I got out of a day dream I kinda made myself have years ago.

A few years ago when my therapist kept directing me away from my xbpgf (which I thought was my prob) and to my family ,especially my mom, I came up with an exercise that helped. After a few more sessions it all started to make sense that all my past abuse had laid the ground work for my present.

So anyway I called this exercise, "Going down into my cellar".

I was one like many who had these memories and those memories still contained enough power to effect my daily life so I thought I would close my eyes and go down into my cellar and visit them to see if I could get an answer out of them.

So I imagined an old cellar door that was attached to so many houses back then...mine included: 

In my dream I walked up to the door covered with moss and rust and an old lock that had long lost it's power to actually lock. I was scared because I knew what was down there but reached down and gave the door a tug and it creaked open and a musty smell filled my nose.

Then I took my first step on the old damp concrete steps leading down into this dark cellar where the only light down there now came from the door above and an old frosted window that you could no longer see through:

While taking my steps down I could still hear my footsteps and still get a whiff of the air above but as soon as I reached the bottom everything changes. It was much like Stephen Kings "The Langoliers" movie where time had changed.  There was no smell and the light was diminished and flat and sounds were muffled.

There were cardboard boxes covered with a dust and labels on them like "The Rapes"...."Mom's repeated enema's on me" ..."Dads beatings with the belt"... "Weating the bed for years clear into grade school and wearing diapers and so on and so on.

 I would pick up one of the boxes to put it on an old table to open it to see inside and when I did that the dust on top slide off onto the floor but it made no sound and didn't plume up but just laid there on the floor. Opening the box didn't produce the musty smell I expected but was just nothing. The light that shone on the topic inside was flat and dim. There was just no life at all to any of the boxes and contents I went to....They were all just lifeless and that's when it hit me.

That these events were real at one time and did have tremendous power at the time they were committed but that after the event they went to die in these boxes and actually lost all their power soon after they were committed...They had become the past forever and I had kept them alive much longer than they had the power to themselves.

So I left the cellar with that information to hold onto.  It wasn't instant healing but it was a clearer picture of where these events go and that they really don't hold any power and we can get to a point where we actually know this even in our waking hours. That they really can't hurt us even when we hold them in our hands and stare them in the face.

Last Edit: June 24, 2012, 11:12:45 AM by gary

Gary...thank you for posting this.  After filing for divorce a few months ago from my uNPDh, I am determined to make 2015 a year of healing from this abuse.  I have been looking for ways to put the memories in their place and I like this scenario.  Thank you.
"I'm sorry you feel that way, but..." followed by long monologue about why you shouldn't feel that way and whatever happened is all your fault.
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