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Chosen Relationships / Re: After eggshells (I react aggressively)
« Last post by SeaGlass on Yesterday at 12:17:58 PM »
 :yeahthat:I agree with Whitehorn and Ellie.
The Welcome Mat / Re: Hello (my life with a PPD father)
« Last post by Lastof7 on Yesterday at 12:17:04 PM »
Hello Dark Flower,
Italian here as well.  Maternal grandparents from Molise though they did not meet until after both immigrated to USA.

I am in this forum mostly due to ILs (and every once in a while I'll mention NPDexh) but my elderly italian mother has some traits of PD, or is it just the Italian/Catholic guilt trip, or just being elderly?....hard to determine the difference sometimes.

Anyway, welcome.  I'll be curious to see more of your posts to see if/how our ethnicity may contribute.
Separating & Divorcing / I think she's afraid of me
« Last post by irkmandu on Yesterday at 11:59:56 AM »
I don't want to give a lot of back story here, but just to sum up: My wife has, in the past, made some horrible false accusations against me, and has now been giving me the silent treatment for almost two years, the entire duration of our divorce proceedings so far.

It occurred to me recently that her behavior, which is often bizarre and frustrating from my point of view, would make a lot more sense if she actually believes the accusations she made years ago. If true, she would have every reason to be afraid of me and try to protect our kids from me.

The thing is, her accusations are not true in any way. I have been investigated be CPS, and they confirmed that there is no evidence of the horrible things she claims I did.  Unfortunately, paranoid delusions seem to be one of her main symptoms of PD.

I don't really know if this realization helps my situation very much. I have no way of helping her fear me less. I guess it helps me be less angry at her. It just makes me sad.
Hi staybil - I see you are new here and want to welcome you! What a tough time middle school and High School are anyway without all of the mean girl drama that you and your daughter have been subjected to. I am so sorry to hear this is happening in your lives.

The plan to shift extracurricular activities in hopes of broadening the opportunities to make friends outside of this circle is a really good one.

A really great resource for you and your daughter is the work of a program called The Mean Girl Extinction Project. Link here:

There are resources, books, etc., for girls, parents, and even educators here. There is also a contact email at the bottom of the page if you would like to find out how to potentially have them come to your daughter's school or club, church youth group... where they will teach and confront the very real and serious issue of mean girl bullying.

The drop down menu on the website has an entire list of great resources for you if you are interested and wanting to go deeper in how you can best support and equip your daughter and yourself to handle this.

You are right to be concerned and involved. What I would mention that I found to be key when my own daughter was going through this is expressing confidence and belief in my own daughter and myself to handle this and to carefully managing my worry and fear in such a way that those feelings didn't seep into my daughter's mindset and awareness.

Your daughter has a momma bear who will, together with her, find the best way forward through this and you never know where this may lead you both in terms of healing and advocating for other girls in similar positions down the road a ways.

Our toolbox above will be a great help for both you and your daughter as these tools can be shared with her. Also, the trait section above has a do or don't included with most of them which I have found to be really helpful as well.

I was terribly bullied and threatened by a group of mean girls in middle school and I was so intimidated I would freeze in fear, and I had no one to advocate for me. What a true gift your love and support must be to your dear daughter.

So thankful you found us! Again, welcome!
Dealing with PD In-Laws / Re: We can't meet their standards!
« Last post by looloo on Yesterday at 11:41:42 AM »
I my FOO, that comment about not being "intellectual enough" could easily be translated to not being willing to indulge another pointless argument or circular conversation.  You were being polite and detached, it sounds like, which really pisses them off  ;D. Good for you!
So the letter is gone. I fedexed it this way I get tracking internationally. A side effect is that F will know I'm serious. The last and only time I fedexed a letter was when I sent my first NC letter to M.

It is short. I'm telling him I need a Time Out from our relationship (those two words are from illogical, thank you!). I'm telling him I'm in the early stages of a depression and need to protect myself, and end it with telling him I'll contact him again when I'm ready (thanks Malini!).

Otherwise I'm telling him I don't want anything from the house and the few things I left behind the last time (old PJs and the like) he can give away or throw out. This was to preempt any reason for him to contact me, or me even having to talk to B about this, which I also don't want to do.

DH and I had a lengthy discussion about whether or not to say I'm depressed and both read through the whole thread again and all your helpful comments. In the end we both agreed that I leave it in, for me it is the right way to handle this. F has in the past not used it against me, if he does now, then it won't hurt me so much as make me really angry and most likely shift the TO to NC. He has nobody to talk about it, to smear me to as he has alienated everybody, and the two and a half people who do talk to him like B, SIL and Nancy will not take kindly to him abusing me for depression. 

I tried to keep in mind that he is mentally ill while writing the letter, but that doesn't mean I continue to make myself available as victim of his abuse, caregiver or any other role he has in mind for me. It isn't helpful, neither to him nor me. I cannot help somebody who is 85, can barely walk or get up the stairs, but insists on not hiring a realtor for the sale of the house but rather complains how much he hates that he has to let prospective buyers walk on their own through the house; or since coming back from the SNF has not signed up for a visiting nurse. Those are his monkeys, his circus and I'm out.

All future calls will go to voice mail and in case angels do suddenly stand on pinheads and he wants to apologize, he can write. He has proven he can write to abuse and use me, so he can do it for other purposes too, but I think that is the ultimate hypothetical like when pigs fly.

I feel exhausted and calm, just washed out.

Thank you all again for being there for me :grouphug:
I really appreciate this post.

I understood very early on that my Mom wasn't like my friend's Moms.

I turned to books and TV when I was a kid. I loved Little House on the Prairie (both the books and the TV show), the Waltons, and an endless series of books written for children. (Anyone remember all the Scholastic Books?) I used to daydream that I belonged to those families. They weren't perfect, but they didn't tear each other down either, and I got a sense of how a healthy family could operate. And long before I learned about PDs, I realized there was another way to live and I used those childhood books to almost raise myself.

wintersnighttraveler I got this pressure from friends and male coworkers. No male coworker screamed at me but the pressure was on and yes a best friend actually yelled at me once.

The march from 35-on is sort of bizarre. 

My parents are a little different - when I was really young they wanted grandchildren (I was not ready.) Then when I actually had a boyfriend they excluded us from family events - we eventually broke up. When I actually said I want to date again in time to have a kid, they said we don't think you should have kids and gave me a silent treatment. Then when I was 44 (when I was over the idea,) they said if you want to have a kid we could help you with babysitting. When I was 46 they brought it up again - their friends had helped their daughter (age 39) and her boyfriend buy a condo so they could have a baby.

NPDs are just crazy. Their brains work in really strange ways.
OMG yes, Normal and Practical, I am also "cold," "unable to love," etc. That's been a lifelong thing from my PDM. Yeah, you are all right, I need to set strong boundaries around this. I don't think they'll listen to me or stop talking about it, but if I hang up every time they bring it up, that means I don't have to hear it. And maybe they'll make the connection.  As for the in person badgering, which is thankfully a rare experience, maybe, "Please don't ask about my sex life; I don't share that with you."  But I don't know if I have the guts to do that. Probably will just stick with subject change and going to the restroom.
My NF was the abuser.  Mother, the submissive enabler, never had much to say.  I also knew very young  that I could not go to her for support as she sided with him, was part of him, in my point of view if you know what I mean.  Invalidation was what I got from her.
When I was a adult and had a family of my own, she would always tell me "you never tell me anything, you only listen to your friends".  Well of course.....closed minded, old school. She once told me, which I never forgot "you are married, you shouldn't have any problems".... OMGosh!

I didn't do well with my daughter in her years living at home because of my lack of emotional intelligence, my upbringing.  She would not open up or come to me  but with time and now having a family of her own, it just happened.  She trusts me now and vents when the need arises, I validate and support her.  I am very happy and content with our relationship because I cried for so long and finally forgave myself for not being there emotionally.

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