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Npd mum and enabler father, gc sis (am completely over that relationship, will never speak to sis ever again). I miss what I never had a loving and safe feeling family unit, i went nc because my vile sister caused a family drama and was nc for about 3 years my health got much better at the beginning but then I got really bad anxiety and bad ocd. So I reached out to my dad initially it was ok but i felt so so sad when I spent time with him because I felt like I was mourning a relationship i never had, moving on a couple of months and my anxiety is back along with chest pains and really bad teeth grinding.  I can't seem to get out of this cycle i crave parents who value me as a person are proud of me and love me without reserve but i know they will never be the people who provide this. I feel so very sad.
I don't know your full story, ZS, but your dad's question made my enmeshment radar ping. My mom pulled questions like these on me All. The. Time. and I don't think they are ever appropriate for a parent to ask a child to answer, at any age or level of FOGginess. Your dad isn't a scapegoat like a child would be. He picked her. That's what I used to say to my mom when she got all waify and victimy on me like she played no role whatsoever in their dysfunctional nightmare of a marriage. She would be asking me weird questions like the one your dad asked and then holding hands with the man for public show. Ewwww. 50 years. That's a looooong time. What difference does it make when she started "feeling disdain" for him? Who even knows what the woman felt? All you can judge is her actions and words, and he can witness those as well as you can. He has witnessed them for over 50 years and judged them not bad enough to act upon. That's his choice. He doesn't get to pretend that he had no part in the way she treated him and you because he didn't have the courage to take control of his part in the crazy. I hope this doesn't sound like an attack on your dad, but I really think he was unfair to put you in that position and my guess is it didn't feel right to you either or you wouldn't have posted about it.

Be proud of your strength in looking for truth and don't fall for the innocent victim act.     
I think this is an age of narcissism.  With economies, communities, morality, crumbling, jobs disappearing and welfare agencies stretched to breaking with the fallout, the certitude and ruthlessness of narcissists is in the ascendant.  The motto is 'appearances are reality', and narcissists do apprearances better than anyone. (when they are around those whose opinions matter)   As a bonus, nobody is better at covering up unpleasant realities.

I really do believe this. I have clients in UK government agencies and I think in the 'age of austerity' narcs are clambering up that greasy pole faster than ever. It's really depressing. One guy screams NPD, possible antisocial PD... I find even his voice on the phone disturbing. He gaslights and plays one-up-manship games constantly.  He threatens us with non-payment in covert language - I work for a not-for-profit and I swear he would derive joy in seeing us go under. Another woman I did some work for bullied me so hard I was removed from frontline dealings with her.

I have a work coach and she has taught me to do 'power poses' and 'grounding exercises' before difficult meetings. I am thinking this is crazy. If a professionl contact needed to do 'power poses' before talking to me than I would be doing my job wrong. Why do we have to be the ones who adapt? Why should I do exercises to raise my testosterone levels? I am a professional woman - why should I have to 'big myself up'  physically to release male hormones (assuming that's even possible) to deal with other professionals?  :stars:
My BPD mother did the exact same thing when my daughter was first born. She wanted to come visit two days in a row (my husband's two days off work). When she asked to visit on the second day, I carefully crafted a gentle text message saying that we were tired and needed some family time alone. She had been visiting a couple times per week at this point. First I got the ST, then she had my dad accuse me of keeping her grandchild from her.

My mom also tries to take ownership of our baby and discount my husband's role (very offensive to someone who is such a great and active father). Her comments are much more subtle and hard to dispute than your mom's comments. I think you should put a stop to those right away as it will only get worse as your child gets older.

I still feel guilt and anxiety over telling my mom no. My T gave me a standard answer of "Oh well" which I think was more for myself then for my mom. Last night I was feeling a little guilty for not letting the baby video chat with my mom but then I just told myself "Oh well...She'll get over it...We don't always get what we want in life...I am the mom and I make the decisions...Oh well." It sounds silly but every time I started to feel a bit guilty, I just stopped myself by thinking "Oh well" and it kind of worked. I'm hoping this does get easier in time. Our moms don't have to like our decisions but they do have to live with them.
The relationship that brought me Out of the FOG wasn't a romantic relationship or even a friendship. There was no mutual filling of gaps. There was no pleasure, elation, romance, sexual chemistry, fun, or illusion of love.  There was a crazy, dangerous dance in a situation in which I felt as trapped as if it were a marriage, because of a combination of commitment, moral obligation, intense peer group pressure and legal contract, with the background of another community that was dear to me at stake, and isolation and neediness on my part.

I think it was this separation from the usual components in this kind of situation that, along with other unique components of the situation that brought me Out of the FOG and also to a new and more troubling understanding about abuse. 
Going No Contact with a PD Parent / Re: I want to change my name...
« Last post by poiu on Today at 04:55:17 PM »
Why do you need to tell them at all?
That's what I thought. I'd change my name to get away from them. They'd never be able to track you down.
My scapegoat ddad asked me today how long I thought my uBPDmom had been scornful and disdainful of him.  I kinda medium chilled my answer to agreeing with one of his time estimates, which was waaaay reduced from any answer I would have given.   What responses have you given the scapegoat still in the fog, angry about they way they are treated, but not willing to see the mist for what it is?

As background, my parents have been married 50+ years.  I left just before I turned twenty, scapegoat no longer.  Gradually, uBPDmom has fixed on the only target left in the house and her disdainful behavior has gotten more obvious as the declining illness she has takes its toll.
Dealing with PD Parents / Does Moving Make it Easier?
« Last post by Souz on Today at 04:47:52 PM »
About a year ago we began to talk about moving away.  At first the idea would give me some relief.  I would look at real estate listings across the country and imagine living free from all of the drama my mom creates.  But every time we gave it any serious consideration, I would get so anxious about what it would take to cut our ties here and I always ended up coming to the conclusion that if the thought of it was that difficult, doing it would be way too stressful. 

Over the last year, each time we discuss it, it becomes less scary.  Over the last couple of weeks, I think we have essentially made the decision that we will move.  I contacted a Realtor where we plan to move to, we have booked some holiday time out there to get a better feel for it, I contacted my accountant to find out tax implications of beginning to sell off some of our real estate here and last night, I told my business partner - that was a big one.  She was very supportive and we created a tentative plan for the management of our company with the move.  It is all happening so quickly, and it feels good.  It also feels sad in many ways, and I will have a hard time to let go of home, but I also feel excited to create a new home somewhere we can feel more free.

Any positive move stories out there?  My hope is that with the distance, we could allow a very strict and minimal amount of contact with my mom.  I would like to allow her to FaceTime with our daughter and have a supervised visit once or twice a year when we come to town.  We would not share any information with them about our address or phone number and returning to NC would only take shutting off an iPad and closing down a PO box (we would open a PO box specifically for mail from them to keep our address private).  I feel like my mom is capable of maintaining something healthier if she is not given enough rope to hang herself.  I feel like it is the kindest thing we could do, provide a safe, low risk form of contact that is constantly supervised and monitored.  Thoughts?
doormatnomore, yep, it does get easier with time, and new baby of your own.  Adorable new baby is your priority now and everyone else gets to take a backseat cheerfully, or not get in the car.  It was easier for me, uBPDmom smokes and everyone else understood we weren't going to her toxic terrarium.  Today, she was not ready for errands in the time frame we have been using for the past few years, so her errand was not accomplished and that's the price of not planning or following the rules.  You very graciously set a specific time in yours and baby's  life for her and the choice is up to her.
Working on Us / Re: When I'm done, I'm done. Is this a problem?
« Last post by Foreignwoman on Today at 04:26:50 PM »

You are done, tired, maybe even exhausted of being so done.
I totally understand. We come from families where we weren't allowed to speak up. So we suck it in.
And then we are indescribably done.
Great article inurdreams.

Take care

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