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Working on Us / Re: Help! Anyone!
« Last post by Kestrel on Today at 09:10:04 AM »

Have you tried massage or acupuncture?  I have no idea if either will work, but at least neither requires meds.
In conversations with other people I never had this problem.

Bingo!   :cake:
Chosen Relationships / Re: Update.
« Last post by KF85 on Today at 09:08:40 AM »
I became immune to mine acting hurt over the last few months. My struggle is in no closure / giving up hope. It's hard for me because I just SO still have my moments when I'm sad and just hope he will change or give me closure. His contact last week made it clear that's not going to happen, he just wanted things out of me I think, then gave up when I didn't bend over for him. HE didn't even ask about the kids. That's PROOF that he cares nothing about other people just wanted me for what I could do. That's my struggle. Coming to terms with the fact that that is how it is and not having hope.

You are doing great. Stay strong.
I am currently trying to start a business and am stuck with a udnpd mother controlling the purse strings. Finally lost it on her the other day... THANK GOD I don't live with her

Instead of checking from time to to ask how my balance is she makes me ask.

This month I left her a note on the back of my ATM balance slip so MAYBE she'd bring a check when I saw her the next day..oh no I had to go get it. So I flipped out on her when I got there. I'm working 7 days a week.

I won't do it the next time - I'm simply going to ask her is she getting pleasure from humiliating me like that?

Oh no, that would simply feed her N supply. She wants to know that she is tormenting you, and you would be giving her exactly what she wants. She absolutely would get pleasure from that reaction. I don't think that saying that would accomplish anything for you.

Maybe there is something else you can say or do. I know you are in a difficult position and I'm sorry.
Your sister is an adult, she may be in a mess, but it is not your mess.  If she can buy a camper she can stay on a campground.  You owe her nothing.  She can get mad and scream, just remember she is an adult who needs to fly out of the nest, not a child who needs to be picked up and coddled.


It sounds like you're sure that you don't want your sister to move in with you.  There you have it.  Tell her no.  No JADE.  If she tantrums, that's on her.  Don't make her problems your problems.

Working on Us / Help! Anyone!
« Last post by HoldingStrong on Today at 09:07:03 AM »
I CANT take these headaches AnYMORE!!! I have been living with headaches forever! Thought they would go away when I left! I've had surgery on discs in my cervical spine & I had MRI to cancel out brain tumours but the headaches NEVER go away! I think they have a lot to do with chronic pain & STRESS? They are screaming, excruciating headaches & I pretty much live on pain killers such as Advil but pain killers mess up your stomach so that is no fun either!

I've been to doctors over & over & I'm just sick of it! I just want the headaches to GO AWAY! Does anyone have any advice on how to get rid of these? It's just too much to bear sometimes! Don't think they are migraines either.
I agree with Gary.

I have a horrible time saying no and if I try, I feel like a need a list of why, but in this case the whys would really hurt her.

Could keep it really simple on yourself. Let her cope with her feelings.  You cope with yours.

Sister: Can I live with you?

You: No, thank you. 

Sister: Why?

You: Not willing and able. (Lather, rinse, repeat, no JADE.)

Sister: How come?

You: Not willing and able.

Sister: How come?

You: Not willing and able.

Sister:  How come?

You: Not willing and able.  And bonus reason? Having to do this kind of thing with you all the time if you lived with me? Would make me nuts.  You don't DROP it. Love ya, but there it is.  So nope. I came to realize I am not both willing and able.

She can dig her own hole.  You really don't have do much other than "lather, rinse, repeat" here.

Hang in there!
Unchosen Relationships / Re: Text from NM after NC
« Last post by Ponchik on Today at 09:01:55 AM »
Thank you all for the warmth and validation! It has been so amazing for me to allow myself to reach out for and receive this support. I feel very held  :)

GarbageChild: I like the comparison with a drama vortex and taking cover, that's how it feels. Regarding adoption - don't tempt me!! :)

Erica: Thanks for your message, I am rooting for you with your due date approaching. I feel like if I "give in" now, it will be much harder to re-establish NC later... and she will just not get the message nor have to deal with the consequences of her actions. I am so tired of her getting away with anything!

Nocaptainyet: It's funny how my mind went straight to thinking of sending a text back... you're right, no effort to make contact for 5 months and now this? She wants the baby...!

Isadore: The incredible womanly support here is just super. It's fantastic your daughter wants you there at the birth, that is surely the greatest gift of being a parent, when your child has the choice and chooses to have you near. I worry that I won't be able to stop the abuse - like there is something "bad" planted in me that will rear its ugly head - but I also realise that there is a good chance if there was something "bad", I probably wouldn't be worrying about it. I can only try... I will make mistakes, but as long as I can apologise for them and put them right, and be there for my child, that's the main thing, I think. Thank you for the offer of support - I will check out that book! At the moment I'm reading "How not to F*** them up" by Oliver James ;)

HealingMeFL: Thank you! It gives me so much hope to know that people have broken the cycle. I actually used NM as a reason not to have kids in the past - I couldn't imagine how I was going to cope with her and protect my baby, I was getting cold sweats just thinking about it. Funny that I got pregnant accidentally, a month after going NC! Maybe my body just finally relaxed?

I haven't had any more calls today but I suspect the demons of my mother will now be unleashed onto my dad and brother in the near future. She will take my NC as a massive insult (she always said that having to call her own children is humiliating, hence she expected us to call her), no doubt. But I can stay away from the drama :) Hugs to you all!
My T calls it the secret police inside my head, monitoring all my thoughts.  So harsh and relentless, telling me what's good and bad, right and wrong.  Very hard to stop - it's always been there.  And he's been pointing this out to me for a LONG time now. But I got a stronger sense of it lately, the way I can never protect myself, look after myself.

Could make a micro change -- when you catch yourself talking that way. Remove the "can't" word.

Go from

"But I got a stronger sense of it lately, the way I can never protect myself, look after myself"


"But I got a stronger sense of it lately, the wayI am not protecting myself, looking after myself right now."

Then it opens the door in your thoughts for actively choosing to protect yourself, look after yourself in future. You didn't choose to right now, but another time you could choose differently.

Common Behaviors / Re: Have you Experienced Narcissistic Rage?
« Last post by GrahamCracker on Today at 08:58:37 AM »
Thanks, MaggieMC,

I just posted about a rage today -- I wish I'd read this earlier, and I appreciate the insights.

It's always good to realize one is not alone -- sad, too, of course, that others also must endure it.
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