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Dealing with PD In-Laws / Re: Advice, please
« Last post by Inurdreams on Today at 08:52:32 AM »
Just an observation:  All4peace, your MIL and mine must have read the same handbook.

I noticed with my NMIL that when I used MC on her (before I even knew exactly what MC was) she would lay low for a while then suddenly pop up out of the blue to request something.  That something would be just an excuse for her to call me.  I think part of the reason she did it was a way to say she was still around and not to forget her.

She too would get her daughter to call me if I didn't answer the call, return the call or told her no.

I also find it interesting how she would call me and not DH, her own son.  But she always called me, the DIL From Hell, in her opinion.

NMIL's mother did this to me, too.  Apple and Tree Syndrome.

The last time NGMIL pulled this on me I just kept telling her she had to talk to DH about it. It was ridiculous how she kept on at me about it when DH was only a few feet from her, in another room, yet she continued to pester me about it.  In the end, I repeated for about the 40th time that she needed to talk to DH about it then I walked away.  And she never even mentioned it to DH.  This was before I knew about NPD so it was confusing to me at the time, but it makes perfect sense now.

I agree with the others here.  It's just a hoover, plain and simple and people like my NMIL think they are so slick to pull this type of thing over on us. And it usually works until we understand what's going on.  And here's the thing:  No matter what we do or say we will lose.  If we agree to their demands or desires, they win.  If we don't respond or give them what they want, we are once again the evil one and they win again.

I think it's just a way for them to make us acknowledge and respond to them.  It's never about what they claim to be contacting us about.  It's just the act of invading our space, either emotionally or physically.  It's all part of the N-Game, which is always rigged in their favor.

Dealing with PD In-Laws / Re: Forcing me to choose between ILs and FOO?
« Last post by daughter on Today at 08:49:31 AM »
My NBM is/was openly hostile to her two daughters' MILs, both who live out-of-state, both who only visited two or three times a year, rarely for even a week, often just a long weekend, usually for a grandchild's bday.  My MIL is a quiet milk-toast type of lady.  My NBM attacked me each time for "letting MIL visit", my enabler-enforcer NF meekly listening as NBM raged at me at how "offended" she was that inlaws would  visit for grandchild's bday.  My inlaws and nsis' inlaws sensed from get-go that Christmas Eve and Christmas Day were never to be celebrated with their grandchildren and sons, that these two holidays, as well Easter and July 4 and Memorial Day and Labor Day were in NBM's sole control.  It's irrational behavior that never rectified itself.  NBM often remarked she "gained two sons", and that "sons cleave to their wives' families".  Possession and control are paramount to NBM.

I'd try to explain situation to NBM:  "mom, they're DH's parents, and they're as entitled to see their grandchildren and DH as much as you do".  NBM's inevitable response:  "no they don't; and DH loves me more than he loves his own mother." 

I'd try to explain situation to NBM again:  "mom, oldest DS is their only grandchild; they really want to be here for his birthday too."  DS bday overlaps with Mother's Day weekend nearly every year.  NBM response:  "Mother's Day is MY HOLIDAY; what's she doing muscling-in on my holiday!  I want my hotel-brunch!".  I'd have a weekend consisting of:  kids birthday party, dinner with my parents and inlaws (NBM refused to allow MIL alone-time with grandchildren), Sunday morning fancy hotel brunch for Mother's Day (NBM, loudly to MIL and me, "what's SHE doing here at MY Mother's Day Brunch!), then preparing afternoon dinner for DS' family birthday party.  It was my most emotionally-exhausting weekend every year, frankly unpleasant.  MIL would openly cry at least every visit.  NF and NBM would berate me for "not being nice enough" to NBM during these weekends where NBM would be 24/7 present in our home to elbow-away MIL, both my parents tone-deaf to how inappropriate (and mean) their behavior was.

After a decade of these shenanigans, we moved 20 minutes away from NBM's neighborhood.  We began visiting inlaws rather than them come to us.  And we finally chose to "go NC", because the npd-enmeshed FOO Family obligations and self-entitled bad behavior finally became too too much to bear any further. 
Separating & Divorcing / Re: Need advice
« Last post by turtlemama on Today at 08:48:33 AM »

The thing that has helped me the most was going NC or as LC as possible because we share our child.  My uNPDstbx announced within a few months about his new gf (someone he had an affair with) and he had her staying with him every weekend he had our son.  She has harassed me as well, making fun of my PO, saying my stbx would never physically hurt me.   If I hadn't journaled about it, or been hospitalized, or had pictures of bruises, I might question my sanity or felt like it wasn't as bad as I thought.  Honestly, I feel sorry for the new gf- what sane person would want to get involved in a relationship when such a nasty divorce is going on?  As hard as it is, I try to envision my future instead of dwelling on him and his messed up life.  I stopped loving him a long time ago.

My family has definitely been very supportive- although I have gotten the occasional "but why didn't you just leave the first time..."  They understand how divorce is sad and all that, but I've felt it most difficult to describe the absolute fear and anxiety I feel and felt when we had to meet.  And how paranoid I've become and how I don't know how I can ever feel safe again.  But from what you describe you are being very supportive in the best way possible.
Chosen Relationships / Re: Why did I lie?
« Last post by 1footouttadefog on Today at 08:47:20 AM »
These stories of paranoia always amaze me.

My pd does not have thst problem(yet??).  If he has those ideas, he keeps it to himself. 

He has wanted to jump up and run with me to do errands of late, but I think it more to do it boredom than suspicion.  Hmm.  And the chance I will run through a drive in at a fast food place.  His rapid weight gain of late is evidence of the latter.

Anyway, don't these guys realize we would be smart enough to have underwear alike if we planned to chsnge them, and why change them anyway.  Like panty liners, baby wipes, douche, .  WTH, I am not sure why women would be leaving panties around town, or bring home "blue dress" soil and putting it on display in the washer.

Where do they get this stuff, from porn movies???

So basically I am angry for all of you because not only are you constantly being accused, and having your dignity assaulted, your pds think you are stupid.

The Welcome Mat / Younger sibling of a person with EUPD
« Last post by ahouseinthewoods on Today at 08:42:04 AM »
Hi Everyone,
I found this site last night after googling 'boundaries' and PD...
I have decided to try and accept my sister's diagnosis, and all that that means - and try and be in her life - but to stay safe myself from the emotional and financial challenges that that brings.  I have decided to try and process my rage at her, because it's not her 'fault' that she has this complex diagnosis - and it works in relationship - that's what it's about...NEED...
But I know that she will always NEED more than I have - and so I am hoping that you guys, who truly understand this journey - will help me to take responsibility for myself, help her do the same - and continue WITH contact.
This F.O.G thing is very very I guess a lot of my work will be around that.
I'm SOOOOOO grateful of some company with this.  Our parents are dead, and the only other person is her daughter, my Niece....we do our best but this is HARD...
Thanks for listening - I'm already finding your sharing SO helpful
Working on Us / Re: Codependency - Fixing the Fixer
« Last post by Nameless OCD Sufferer on Today at 08:40:07 AM »
Note. The many names of codependency:

  • compulsive helping (a term coined by a certain Dr Robert Lefever from the U.K.)
  • hyper-responsibility (as a symptom of OCD)
  • rescuer syndrome
  • "white knight" syndrome (some PhDs even wrote a book with that as its title!)
Chosen Relationships / Re: The Devil and the Deep Blue.
« Last post by 1footouttadefog on Today at 08:34:58 AM »
Each case is different.

In some cases the non has or is contributing with codependent attitudes and actions.  In others the non is a caretaker empath and enables only mildly. 

In each relstionshio ship the nature of the pd and it's extreme will vary.  Some odd are decent st heart, but have very annoying coping mechanisms in place, others are evil at heart.

The tools enable you to do your best and know you did what you coukd to improve things, but you still have no control over the pd individual.

If you did you best changed what you could, ie owned your stuff and fixed it, then the rest is up to the pd.

If you saw no change, thst is important information to tske into account when considering the future.

Good luck and stay strong.
Chosen Relationships / Re: Why did I lie?
« Last post by coyote on Today at 08:32:45 AM »
All I can say is what has worked for me. My uPPDw has pulled the same stunt, checking my underwear. My stance is that any allegation or insinuation of infidelity is verbal and emotional abuse. It crosses my boundary and is not tolerated. It's that simple with me.
Chosen Relationships / Re: BPD Fiance
« Last post by 1footouttadefog on Today at 08:26:49 AM »
An engagement is a time to discover if you are truly comparable prior to the permanent commitment of marriage.

Perhaps you are discovering thst you are not as comparable as originally thought.

I hope things go well for you, but there are signs that you are not equally interested in maintaining contact.

How would you feel if you were in the same home and she was this distant. If the LDR was not the barrier, but rather her personality disorder?

These are serious things you are finding out, don't take them lightly.  There are so many stories on here about people suffering dulistanfe in their own home.  Read around and ask if this is how you want to live like thst for decades.

Dealing with PD Parents / Re: Murder by stress?
« Last post by MLR on Today at 08:24:23 AM »
Extreme Caregiving  (aka being an ElderSlave to PD parents or in laws) can take 8 years off your life in a scientific study.

I moved in with elderly parents 12 years ago.  Took care of my mom 24x7 for 5 years until she died and it took me years to recover.  My dad was healthy when she died.  He got cancer almost two years ago.  He went from an extremely active 83yo man with a job to someone who can get around but has no stamina and has to sit down after 5 to 10 minutes of activity.

Instead of being happy to be alive he makes bitter little comments all day long about what he can't do, or breaks down when he sees me doing something he thinks he should be doing.

Or, wants to do things and yells for me after 5 minutes to "help" which means I do it while he tells me how to do it, makes bitter comments about how he wants to do it but he cant, or breaks down in tears because I shouldn't be doing "his work", and he's a burdening me-

Or worse, since I'm there to enable him to feel productive, makes plans for the rest of the day of all the things he can do with me there as his assistant.

If I do anything he staggers up to "help me", which triples my labor, I am trying to get something done, I have to monitor him so he doesn't get hurt, watch out for what he needs so he doesn't get frustrated, and since he's now "in charge", follow his lead on how he wants to do the task.

The house is a mess because he makes it IMPOSSIBLE for me to get anything done.

He's 84, I'm 54 and I'm at the point of putting my foot down for the first time with my father.  If I don't the stress will kill me.
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