Recent posts

#81
Common Behaviors / Re: Going to the ER
Last post by sunshine702 - March 23, 2024, 09:11:41 PM
Ok and upon my partner telling it it may be the Urgent Care in the big city which makes more sense - the actual ER that sounds more normal then
#82
The Welcome Mat / Re: Difficult
Last post by xredshoesx - March 23, 2024, 08:25:34 PM
welcome to the group.  when you are ready to share more about your PD relationship, we're listening and if you want to add detail about the issues you've experienced we can have our tech person take a look at stuff too.
#83
Hello! Looking forward to interacting with all of you. I'm the eldest of five (I'm 29F with two full siblings 27M & 25F and two half siblings 13F & 7F).

Broken home obviously, my bio parents split up when I was fresh into my teens. I'm not actually that hurt about them breaking up, I was a third-date baby and my parents married out of family religious obligation and them not wanting to be socially ostracized in the small town they're from that always has gossip, my mom was pregnant with me six weeks into them dating. They weren't a good match, have different ideals on life, and it's kind of a surprise they stayed together as long as they did with how different they really are.


After the divorce, both my parents acted out in strange ways. My dad at least recovered from that eventually, and married a woman who has been a good influence on him and has been a wonderful addition to our family. My mom married literally the second person she dated post-divorce. He was 24 when I was 13 and was cool at first, trying to sell us on being more of a cool older brother than a stepdad, and he was relating to the fact that I had some typical teenage issues at the time. He did give me advice that legitimately made my life more livable at the time, but he still seemed to want to talk me out of being me because that isn't *popular* (such as pursuing music, listening to certain kinds of it, and having a certain image). It literally took just one day into freshman year of high school (I had agreed to live with my mom at this point, our home states' laws said that anyone over 12 can decide custody unless there's a mitigating/special circumstance) to see I wanted to identify deeper into music I already liked. My dad was a cop and not super accepting of my musical choices or fashion whereas I thought I had this cool mom and stepdad that did. I would later find out that wasn't the case.

As the custody trial got closer for my sister, I was told to scale down my image and to listen to "other music" until the trial was over. I was also pulled out of therapy at that time. I did it because they told me that me seeing a therapist was not good for their side of the trial. My dad ended up winning the custody trial, and I think it had to do with the fact that the income wasn't the best from my mom (sadly, she was working a totally qualified job that wasn't paying well, but it's something I experienced myself later so I understand. But my stepdad might've actually been the one that lost the case with him calling my stepdad and leaving an unhinged/threatening voicemail to my dad a few days before the trial).

If I hadn't met my husband and some of my longer-standing friends, I would completely regret moving to be with my mom. I did hate small-town life but my stepdad made it hell in other ways. I was getting abused by an ex, but getting slut shamed for sleeping with him instead of support for the abusive behaviors. He told me some of what I experienced was on me, that I shouldn't have chosen to date him after a questionable sexual encounter (I was drinking underage at a party I shouldn't have been, I woke up next to my now ex in bed with him saying that I consented to sex with him, I felt pressured to date him after that). I was called a slut, a whore, and dumb by both my mom and stepdad. I kept seeing my ex because I just thought we were "dating" and that he loved me. I know I fucked up, but at least he was giving me some relief from the grief at home at times. My brother also was a little heavier at that age, and our stepdad would take every chance to pick on him about his weight. That never sat right with me.

I had an argument with my mom recently. I was both intoxicated and completely stressed out about my job. She made a crazy ignorant comment that I probably should've just let slide, but I was ready to fight that night. I pressed her on it and it devolved into historical shit and got ugly from there. I just want to keep the peace and I knew I fucked up. I apologized the next day and we agreed to have distance before hashing it out further.  We talked and actually had good progress. It exceeded my expectations. There was a part of it though. My stepdad had messaged my siblings and my husband, trying to get me to "give a better apology" but also just said how much he dislikes me and wishes I weren't a part of the family to them. During that convo with my mom, I asked her if she did want me as family and brought up what he said to me, my husband, and siblings. She said she didn't know and asked for screenshots. I did as she asked and sent the screenshots. My stepdad has since sent threatening messages to my husband, full siblings, and myself.

I'm just trying to hang in until the last of my half siblings are 18. My stepdad has done creepy isolating things to them. I don't know what to do.
#84
Quote from: nanotech on March 22, 2024, 12:21:18 PM
Quote from: Big Bear on March 17, 2024, 10:28:54 PMHi nanotech,

Wow, what an experience!  You're hosting your husband's relatives for 2 weeks with the wedding coming up!  And then there's your extended family!   :stars:

You got this - stay calm and focus on your daughter and the people who bring you joy! 

Remember all those other people - they are adults who can take care of themselves.  If they come or not, that's on them.
 Maybe they'll miss out, oh well.  Maybe they'll come and have a great time.  Either way, it's on them.  As adults they should carry the consequences of their own actions.

Your dad, well, he's an adult too!  So, he can decide what he's going to do, how he's going to get there, and so on.  What dear old dad decides to do is NOT your responsibility.  Please don't take this on.  If he has to spend some money on bus or taxi fare, that's OK.  He's had his whole life to save up some money for the taxi!  Whatever else he decides, that's on him.  Remember, dear old dad is an adult and he can take care of himself for this event! 

One more thought, with your daughter getting married, it would be OK to focus more on her and less on other relatives.  Would she like a hand with anything?  Is there something she would appreciate some help with?  Maybe helping her with something could distract you from all the other noise?   

You can do this!  Stay strong!  You can get through it!   :applause:

We're cheering for you!

Big Bear


Thanks Big Bear! Yes I'll take all that on board! I'll put my focus upon the Bride! It's her day!


Absolutely- thank you Big Bear! I'm taking all of that completely on board. I had a great chat with hubby about my needing to focus on my daughter. He's going to make sure that his relatives are comfortable and happy, which will free me up to do my own thing.
     You're so right about my dad. I've left it to HIM to book the taxi because it makes more sense to go with a company local to HIM. He wanted me to book it but as I'm in another town it's not practical. I could feel his annoyance about this. He thinks it's  really great of him that he's offered to pay HALF of the fare!
He'll have to chase me for the other half!
Believe it or not, he's turned down the offer of a lift from my cousin. He doesn't think they are setting off early enough! It would have cost him nothing.
 So a taxi it is!
He's plenty wealthy enough to afford the whole cost, but it simply is what it is with him! He still thinks a 'tenner' is a lot of money.
Sigh and double sigh.
Growing up was an experience in frugality never to be forgotten and certainly never to be repeated.
 :aaauuugh: 
#85
Last Days / After the Funeral / Re: I didn't have to let him g...
Last post by Mikim2022 - March 23, 2024, 05:22:59 PM
I don't struggle with guilt about my narc dying when I finally stood on principle. I don't struggle with it because I own it .

I protected him from himself for longer then I can remember. it was arbitrary of me to pick that incident it was unfair for me to not communicate and it was stupid and short sided of me to think this time would be anything other then what it always was.

I am happy hes died and not out there giving another woman what he never gave me tho . so . at least there's that silver lining .

#86
Common Behaviors / Going to the ER
Last post by sunshine702 - March 23, 2024, 03:28:33 PM
My Mother in Law is going through some stuff.  It's the weekend of losing her husband.  I get that!!  So she took a trip to visit some family a half day drive away. The people had a cat.  She is allergic.  They tried to vacuum surfaces real good.  She slept in contacts with the dander and then according to her.......

Went to the ER for her contacts
In big city.  They fished it out and gave her some eye drops.

Umm ok.

Then she drove home and was fishing for my partner to take her to the ER again here.  Her vision was not perfect.  But ended up driving herself when he was not keen.

This seems ummm odd. 

Do you really go to the ER twice in 48 hours for allergies and contacts?

This seems a little attention seeking to me.

Any contact wearers weigh in.
#87
Last Days / After the Funeral / Re: The role of a person who d...
Last post by sunshine702 - March 23, 2024, 01:34:53 PM
I came across other people wondering this with Narcs and some people have suggested they grieve for what that person DID FOR THEM not the person.  Like in my family each kid exists as an extension of HER to SERVE her in her mind.  I think grief (while we all do it differently) is a HUGE TELL about how they think and see the world!

It's about THEM not about the dead person.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=BSEXL4UDXns&pp=ygUTTmFyY2lzc3RpYyBncmlldmluZw%3D%3D

#88
Last Days / After the Funeral / Re: Guilt
Last post by sunshine702 - March 23, 2024, 01:17:34 PM
It sounds to me you are looking for (((the perfect death))) where everyone says just the right thing back and forth and then death comes right on time like in a movie.  Life is not like that and death is definitely not like that.

I have experienced my Narc mom not taking any information in when she made up HER mind on something.  Your brother J is just like my sister s.  Something I don't see at all and try to point out some differences - doesn't matter J is S end of story. 

I like this idea of grave chats.  Interesting.  Or urn chats. 
#89
Last Days / After the Funeral / Re: Feeling Guilt Over Respons...
Last post by IsleOfSong - March 23, 2024, 11:36:16 AM
Quote from: Poison Ivy on March 22, 2024, 08:45:29 PMMikim2022, I'm sorry that you feel terrible. But you did not cause your boyfriend's death. He did. Are you getting help with your grief? Please do.

100% agree with this. Mikim2022, I'm also sorry for how you're feeling. But you're not responsible for the behavior of another adult. Each person is ultimately in charge of how they behave. Grief counseling, as Poison Ivy suggests, may be helpful for you.

Quote from: sunshine702 on March 21, 2024, 05:52:00 PMI have decided to passively aggressively hang up when she starts In on my ScapeGoat brother Bad Thing Du Jour.

I will blame the cell phone reception.  It is bad out here.

A boundary. 

I am very excited about this.  I feel a lot better.  I do not want to listen to that.  Me asking politely or changing the subject has not worked but hanging up will :)

Good! I would consider eventually taking it a step further and calmly state your boundary directly before hanging up, rather than using the excuse of poor cell phone reception. It's out of our comfort zone to do these things, but it's the path to our own growth, I believe. Best of luck.
#90
The Welcome Mat / Difficult
Last post by Beenhammered - March 23, 2024, 10:01:57 AM
New here .Very difficult site to join or sign up on. Thankyou to all who makes the site possible. Hope to share and care with others.