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Co-parenting and Secondary Relationships / Child doesn't like NPD parent
« Last post by mamato3 on Today at 03:57:26 PM »
Has anyone else's child expressed a pretty intense dislike for their parent since a very early age? DS13 doesn't like his father, isn't close to him, and doesn't care if he sees him. I have gone out of my way to try to make things better (took DS out to lunch with ex/I when he was little, spent time together etc) but it's never gotten better. When DS was 4 he apparently said to his dad "I don't trust you."  :blink: Ex only revealed this to me recently. DS never lived with both of us. We divorced when he was a brand new infant and he has grown up in a home where people are healthy...so perhaps this is why NPD ex has never been able to manipulate him. Also, he had no visitation for the first year, supervised visits for a year after that, and then quite limited visits thereafter. He has witnessed DV with ex's current wife, and has heard the way he speaks to her and her son and finds it disgusting, which may be a huge factor.  Just wondering if our case is common since many report that their children are crazy about their PD parent.
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Separating & Divorcing / Re: Denial
« Last post by Rocket Girl on Today at 03:54:21 PM »
Thanks Kit.  I just read through it.  It is all so exhausting, isn't it???
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Wow, DebT, sounds like you've been through the ringer!
I'm amazed you sound so together.

don't feel it's a good time to see you at this time because I am on my healing journey and you're not in this movie.  I feel like it's my time to blossom and grow and I am ferocious in protecting myself from the messed up people around me.
For my money, that's your answer right there :)

I'd be afraid that listening to your husband's opinion on your brother could lead to your brother taking advantage of you as supply.
Take care of your healing and see whether you want to contact him at a later date.

Enjoy Hawaii, Europe (where do you intent to go?) and your happy family :)
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Thanks everybody for a cheerup  :-*
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Oh Congratulations!!! What a weight off for you!!  :)
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Looking,

Hello and welcome to OOTF.  I am sorry to hear that you have an ex-boyfriend with a personality disorder.  It sound like you are very afraid of passive aggressive retribution from him for breaking up with him.  First and foremost stay safe.  It doesn't sound like he has hit you but be very careful. 

Here at Out of the FOG we have a forum for people who have broken up with someone who has a personality disorder.  Separating and Divorcing   In this forum you will meet other people who are breaking up with someone with a personality disorder.  They may have some good suggestions on how to deal with passive aggressive behavior.  Here are some links with information on passive aggressive behavior.  Hopefully it will be helpful to you to learn more.

http://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/11/4/passive-aggressive-behavior
http://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/11/4/the-silent-treatment
http://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/11/4/false-accusations-and-distortion-campaigns
http://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/11/4/gaslighting

Those are just some examples and information on passive aggressive behavior.  The links can arm you with information to be prepared in case he does something.  Hopefully he won't do any thing at all.  So welcome to OOTF and we look forward to your posts and hearing more about your situation.

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Separating & Divorcing / Re: Need Help with replying to his demands
« Last post by hhaw on Today at 03:44:01 PM »
TM:

It seems like your stbx has been communicating with your while referring to the parenting agreement, using it to his advantage, etc?

It would be good IME to organize all your e mails and whatever communications you can document, then forward the ones showing the PD had the parenting agreement to your attorney. 

Organize your evidence, all of it, by subject as it makes sense to you.... do it sooner than later, IME, so you know what you have, and can find it when Court looms or your attorney needs it to leverage a settlement if that's possible at all.

PDs tend to be pathologically unable to settle anything without a Court doing it for them....

that means be prepared to go to trial to settle everything.

That means he'll likely drag out settlement discussions, cost you a lot of attorney fees and anxiety doing that, then refuse to sign and demand a trial anyway.

::shaking head:::

I digress.....

don't contact the PD, ever, or respond outside e mails ever.... never ever ever that you can help, IME.

Don't send anything to anyone except maybe proof to your attorney that the stbxPD indeed is lying about not having the parenting agreement, IMO.

DO hold your stbx pd accountable for failing to produce documents under court order.  I believe that will be contempt, and should be filed forthwith, no hesitation, but your attorney will have more information.

Just remember that attorneys have a template to follow that extends time, expands proceedings, and makes them lots of money.

DO you have enough money to get through a trial?  Think about that and remind your attorney, very gently, that you need to have resources to get through a trial.  You can't spend all your money being jerked around by a mentally unstable person who doesn't have your child's best interests in mind.

You have to be proactive, and move forward towards a trial if that's your quickest way out of this divorce, and TO peace and a normal life for your children, IME.

Be very calm.  Don't tell your attorney what to do, but state facts very calmly, maybe like you;re speaking to a 3yo so you can keep very calm at all times, and remember your attorney works for you.  He's a tool... ahem... literally he's doing a job for you... I'd send e mails to him stating in very few words what your needs are....
to get out of the divorce quickly for hte children's sake.

Always always always refer to the children/'s best interests, and stay calm.  State facts.  Don't raise your voice, or get upset or speak as though you have expectations.
State facts, without expectation, and let your listeners come to their own conclusions.

You need to provide a stable life for your children, and you need to be able to protect them during visitation with their father....don;t ever refer to his as PD or mentally ill.... rather use details and evidence to do that for you.

Don't make statements you can't back up with evidence either... it tends to backfire and make us look unstable esp when it's about PD crazy, IME.

Good luck,
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Now that my own parents are starting to have issues in my adult life, I clearly see that the best spousal role is to simply love and support. When H tries to explain or interpret my own family's behavior, I feel irritated. He doesn't speak their language, and he hasn't been in the family his entire life. The best thing he could do is simply listen and love. Which is what I should have been doing all along for him.
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Oh Bloomie. Your reply struck such a chord for me.


My H has been able, in time, to share with me that every time I gently or even benignly mention something he receives and perceives it as me attempting to control, shame, manipulate him. Not fair and couldn't be further from the truth and he "knows" that on a head level, but having been so dominated and shamed and controlled by his family system this is a flea he has had to learn about and work through within himself.

At the core of this - we have learned together, is the teaching in my in law's family around emotions. Emotions are good or bad, allowed or completely unacceptable. And... emotions = facts. So, repressing emotions that are "bad" "unacceptable" is expected.


I think I always deep down knew that this was what he was struggling with internally but I don't think I had the right words to describe it. It's so much deeper than simply being mistreated, it's a conditioning done by his parents that told him that his feelings were invalid and not as important as theirs. This utterly breaks my heart.

Your post also opened my eyes to something that I don't think I realized was effecting my way of handling this whole thing. I keep trying to control the situation out of fear that he will get hurt or things will get worse. I keep thinking if we can get control of the craziness now by using the tools we have like setting boundaries and Therapy that it will better protect him, myself and our lives together from his toxic parents but in doing so, I am accidentally reinforcing the message that he is unfit/ not allowed to make his own choices and that his feelings do not matter and nothing could be further than the truth.  :'( 
I want to thank you for assisting me in recognizing that I need to adjust the way I approach this, and work on the anxiety that is obviously pushing me to control the situation out of fear.
THANK YOU THANK YOU <3
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Common Behaviors / Re: so what IS the correct shade of grey?
« Last post by all4peace on Today at 03:34:17 PM »
I'm working on this. I'm naturally a very open and trusting person, very giving and forgiving. I was probably too much of all these things to the PDs in my life and have now really changed to another way of behaving.

Now I'm trying to figure out how to hold onto these qualities for the healthy people in my life while adjusting to the unhealthy. It's hard to know the balance sometimes. I'm more cautious than i used to be, and that's probably a good thing.
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