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Dealing with PD Parents / Re: DS missing my FOO
« Last post by Liketheducks on Yesterday at 03:34:56 PM »
Thank you all.  I knew I could count on this forum for much needed perspective.   I've been wallowing back to "was it wasn't that bad?".    Thank you for sharing your stories.   It reminded me that I had also been asked to be the "bigger" person by denying abuse happened as a child.   You want to forget these things.    I'm going to plan for holidays away and happy times ahead.   
I totally agree that bro is not a healthy person to have around my DS.     We've just returned from an extended trip to DH's family overseas.  So, knowing that there are grandparents in the same town, rather than a plane ride away is proving difficult. 
Thank you all again!
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Dealing with PD Parents / Re: Admission of Guilt
« Last post by tryingforever on Yesterday at 03:13:17 PM »
 :yeahthat:

I needed this so much.Thank you for sharing MovingForwardNow
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Common Behaviors / Re: The amygdala and BPD
« Last post by Hazy111 on Yesterday at 03:12:39 PM »
Vivid Imagination/I love coffee

What i was describing was severe trauma in early childhood without any counter balancing. Such as a loving father , grandparents, in laws etc

The earlier the intervention the better! Any positive benign force to counter the trauma helps.

My point was that left unchecked, the disordered personality cant be altered by later life therapy. 
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I know that is an extremely obvious statement about nearly all PD parents, but bear with me. I need to let this out and get input on it.

So, I think I've gotten a small taste of what my mother will be like as an actual "elder." She claims she is now, in her mid 60s  :wacko:

She's had ongoing surgeries relating to the same issue for about a year now. They're inpatient surgeries but she's anesthetized and is required to have someone there to drive her home. I'm that someone. The one this week was her last one (for now anyways).

The nurse asked her about a medication that was on her file and she flipped out, insisting that she's never taken it, asking to nurse to type the name of the medicine into her phone's medication app, telling me to stand up for her, demanding that the nurse take that medicine out of her file. This was at least a 10 minute ordeal.

The doctor was different than her previous visits. She decided that she did not like the doctor and made that VERY clear. I actually asked the nurses and surgeon to talk to me in private so that i could apologize to them! My mother thought I was "setting them straight" for her. :roll:

Anyways, the doctor seemed to think that I was her caregiver. She was giving me all these instructions for aftercare and asking me to sign paperwork (Um..NO!!! :no:) The weirdest part, though, was that my mother was actually offended that the doctor was talking to me and not her. She loudly said that she was "NOT an old decrepit invalid" and asked the doctor to talk to her. What?! To ME she tells me how frail and fragile she is, but to the doctor she's fully capable of things?

After the surgery my mother wanted me to run approximately 200,000 errands for her (I may be exaggerating just a little ;) ) I did. I didn't mind that. But then...when I was at her house she wanted me to sit there and care for her dog and cat for several hours so she could sleep. But she wouldn't sleep. She kept calling my name over and over and over and asking me to come into her room for this and that "Jenn, move the lamp to the left just a little bit", "Jenn, what is the dog doing? Did you take him out? Write in his chart exactly what he's doing." "Jenn where is my aftercare paperwork? Read it to me!"

She did the same thing 20 years ago when I was younger and lived with her! I guess it brought up bad memories because as soon as she started doing that I felt like I needed to get out right away. I did, and she got very upset at me for leaving her in pain to care for her animals all alone.

Yesterday she blew up on me via text for not checking in on her first thing in the morning. She questioned what would happen if she died. She said that her animals would die and possibly eat something that would kill them...  :stars: I don't even know. She said for this reason I need to check on her every single day. That kind of panicked me because, I mean, I don't want her dying and her animals being trapped with her or anything... but I would think under normal circumstances her work would call and check on her. Maybe? I don't know. I don't like feeling like "checking on her" is my duty.

Then today she wanted me to pick up her medication. I told her I had plans tonight and tomorrow (which is true). Everything was officially NOT FINE anymore. I get a barrage of texts about how she's old and alone and dizzy and can't go to the store and WHAT COULD BE MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOUR SICK ELDERLY MOTHER WHO JUST HAD SURGERY?! ANSWER ME JENN, ANSWER ME!!!!! She said that she thought the police would be interested to hear that I'm not willing to pick up her medicine and leaving her alone to rot.

I'm feeling okay about telling her no about that particular request and I'm trying to take things one day at a time. But...when I think of the future, boy, it's a scary thought. It's taken me this long in my life to tell her no to things when I'm actually busy. I used to change plans to accommodate her. If it's taken me that long to take that little tiny step... will I be able to navigate her as an actual elder when she has countless MORE appointments than she does already? I don't know how I'm going to handle that because I feel like this has given me a small taste of how it will be and I can't take things like this on a regular basis.
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Working on Us / Re: What I have learned thus far
« Last post by lindle on Yesterday at 03:01:09 PM »
GC, I can totally identify with what you are experiencing. My pdh is rarely away so if I need space I have to leave. He was away for four days recently and I loved it. Pdh is really trying lately and has been much easier to live with but like you I find his presence, even when he's being pleasant, ' sucks the air out of the room' as you so aptly put it! I wonder about ' being together but apart' but in my heart I know it is a cop-out to justify my own fears about leaving. We have both been retired for 19 years. That is a lot of rather stressful togetherness!
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Dear the Bear,  It took me a long time to come to terms with the loss of my family.  I don't know why I was so attentive to my narc parents up until their deaths.  I guess I let myself be manipulated by them because I was still searching for some support after being the scapegoat for so many years.  Then, when my husband died and I was deeply traumatized, my sister stopped talking to me and manipulated my younger brother to do the same.  I have been shocked by their lack of empathy related to his death.  The saddest of all is that my sister has now turned her adult children against me.  I didn't know my nephew was getting married or that he and his wife had a baby until I saw it on Facebook.  My therapist told me to stay off Facebook and I should have listened.  I communicated with my nephew and we were planning to have a meal together so that I could meet his wife and their child, but apparently Nsis got to him because now he won't messenger me.  It's all so punitive but I still miss having a family.  Just not the one I have.  I try everyday to let go, but I do suffer from depression and some days it still overwhelms me.  I do have friends who understand and support me and I have to be self-compassionate as well.  Its a struggle and I wonder if it will ever be over.  Finding OOTF was a big blessing for me, but it's hard for me to post sometimes when I read about all the pain out there.
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Chosen Relationships / Re: I hope my PDw will calm down!
« Last post by Skippyd on Yesterday at 02:27:05 PM »
Do you ever feel like the medium has more of a say in your household and relationship than you do?  I know I feel that way with my uBPDsil.

Those monologues are painful and awkward, especially when you can't get away.  I just don't know how to participate in that.  Say nothing?  Say something and validate the nonsense?  Take her to task and escalate her more?
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Dealing with PD In-Laws / Re: Just speechless and torn
« Last post by mayaberry on Yesterday at 02:15:21 PM »
Thanks all4peace. That's exactly how I feel. It's hard but H is adamant that he will not be pulled back in to their games. There is always something with nsil, something that means he has to give and give and it's never enough. Nmil sent a text earlier saying the baby is going for a scan and to call nsil because she's in a bad way. Hes working out how to medium chill respond to Nmil. He is still refusing to call nsil. He said that if the baby hadn't needed this support or whatever is happening then nsil would have been happy to completely exclude him from everything and wouldn't have wanted to hear from him. She still hasn't contacted him personally in any way and he's struggling with their history and then having to call her up and be supportive for her. That might sound awful to other people but he doesn't want to be drawn in to supporting her and be caring when she has treated us terribly for years and will never acknowledge that. When he does respond to Nmil he wants to be able to put across his genuine concern for the baby without having to become entangled with nsil again. I'm not sure Nmil will leave it alone though until he contacts nsil.
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Dealing with PD Parents / Re: DS missing my FOO
« Last post by Dinah-sore on Yesterday at 02:08:03 PM »

I admittedly have an issue with the phrase "being the bigger person" in this context if it possibly involves sweeping abuse under the rug. You also have to be a big, protective person for yourself and your FOC.

I hope for you there is a solution to this that involves moving forward and not more hurt to you and your family.

 :yeahthat:

I totally agree. I can't imagine how hard it is to face your son's grief over this situation. I think it can be helpful to realize that you didn't cause his pain. Right now you are being the bigger person by staying away. This relationship isn't healthy for you or for your son.

I have a similar situation with my in laws. We have been NC for over 4 years. They are waiting for me to come crawling back.

Your brother stood in your kitchen, in front of your son, and threatened to kill you. He is not a healthy uncle. Even sober. He needs to change. Your PDm needs to change. You need to stand firm.

Sometimes I feel bad that my kids miss out on a relationship with their other side of the family. Then I remind myself that no relationship is better than a painful dysfunctional relationship.

Again, I am sorry for your pain. Maybe it is time to change perspective. Maybe let go of her having control through her silent treatment. You can feel empowered if you decide regardless of her ST, or anger, or anything else--you choose in your own to be NC until she demonstrates understanding of what she has done to your family. That way you don't feel like you are at the mercy of her, or obligated to be "the bigger person."
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Separating & Divorcing / Re: It never ends....
« Last post by Kit99 on Yesterday at 01:56:56 PM »
New day _ I'm so sorry! What are his grounds for reopening the case? Since it was a judgement was just recently reached, this can't look good for him...
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