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Unchosen Relationships / Re: I shared the drama with my sons
« Last post by MotherMoon on Today at 05:18:19 PM »
Well, I feel we can't withhold this pleasurable experience from the 'youngsters' here.   If you have never had a old rotary phone slammed painfully into your ear, it kinda sounds like this:

http://www.sounddogs.com/results.asp?CategoryID=1017&SubcategoryID=28&Type=1  Just scroll down until you see Telephones - Phone Receiver - C/U - Receiver Hang Up, Hard, Then Wrestle Into Cradle

Ahhh yes.  The good ol' days of ear damage before we had earbuds. 
Unchosen Relationships / Re: Holday Fears
« Last post by weeblewobbled on Today at 05:11:51 PM »
realloveishealthy - Thanks for the support. I go back and forth wanting to talk to my husband, but know that he already has enough, with this being a hard time for him too. I would feel like I was just adding to his already tough time. I will say that he has actually been excited about Christmas. This is the first time (and we've been together for 7 years - 6 married) that I have EVER seen him excited about Christmas. It's great to see. A plan of action is definitely what we need. Plan for the worst, hope for the best. Thanks.

Stillinonepeace - Thanks for the support. It really helps to know that someone else experiences that "blood draining from the face" feeling. The paralyzing fear is another perfect way to describe how I was and where I am heading again. The world is so small and it seems smaller sometimes when you are trying to hide. Everyone knows someone who knows someone who knows them. We have also taken the step of protecting my son at school. A conversation I never in my life thought I would have to have. A plan in place is just what I need to feel a little more safe. Thanks.


i am not trying to dismiss your fears at all, because I've been there. But if you have plans in place and your DH seems excited about Christmas, I think you should try very hard to focus on your son and you DH's feelings of excitement and the anticipation towards the holiday. Don't let them steal your joy. That's what they want to do. They want you to be afraid. They want you to flinch every time the phone rings. Don't let them win!
Ha ha! Good idea about the app...could install it in the cell phone and when the crazy texts came in they would automatically translate!

Actually I got the idea from chumplady.com. She is IMO so spot on; my stbxNPDh (BTW that's not soon to be ex but hopefully someday to be ex!) was a cheater and an absolute slack ass dad and still is - has no time/energy for a relationship with the kids - it's sad, sad, sad.
Unchosen Relationships / Re: Parent with paranoid personality disorder
« Last post by hrust89 on Today at 05:09:41 PM »
MaryGrace, your words are so comforting. It sounds like your situation is very close to mine. I'm especially drawn to you because Mary was the name of my beloved grandmother and Grace the name of my dear aunt, both on my mom's side, whom have both passed away. Maybe it's a sign.

I agree, it is time to distance myself. But what does that mean? I don't have a problem with my mom when I visit her in person. In fact, Thanksgiving went surprisingly well. I expected outbursts, but she bought food, and I helped her cook and we had a great meal. We visited graves and she said she felt better that she had visited them. Most visits since have gone smoothly...it's just been the harsh phone calls the past two days that has me feeling down.

I try my hardest to leave conversations, but then I find myself calling back, just to try to clear the water, or talk about something else, but it doesn't work. That always leads to more frustration. I will try to set a boundary of not talking to her while I am work. I can call her back. If she wants to harass me about money, then I will NOT listen. I MUST get into a habit of saying "I will not discuss this with you. You were given $XX this week already. Call me when you want to discuss something else." Then hang up.

When you said this: " My mother also denies she is yelling and will often say "you're the one who is yelling!"", I thought for sure you were describing my own mother, so I know you have experienced this pain.

When my mother has money. She is pleasant. Over the phone and in person. When she doesn't, it's terrible, and the illness is at its worst. Could it be that the material items make up for the low point she is in in her life? Maybe it's help her coup?

Unchosen Relationships / Re: How do we know it's not us?
« Last post by NotSensitive on Today at 05:07:16 PM »
In my situation I definitly think NPD knows right from wrong but I don't think she feels bad about it, if anything she's almost proud. I also know I take on guilt for things I have no reason to , part of the crazy- making I guess  :stars: .
Unchosen Relationships / Re: Holday Fears
« Last post by Bloomie on Today at 05:04:00 PM »
Findingpeace4  - hooray you have broken free! First things first! That is no easy feat! Hyper vigilance lasts far beyond the time when we have created a safe place. We have been systematically, intentionally abused and beaten down. It takes a long time to heal from that trauma and believe we are strong enough to deal with whatever comes our way. This seems reasonable to me and all of the wise advice to have a plan, and not make this the focus of your holidays is spot on. You can do this! Sending you much support and strength!!!!  :bighug:
Unchosen Relationships / Re: What would you/ could you say?
« Last post by NotAlice on Today at 05:01:43 PM »
Hi FHL!  When you wrote that your H froze when cornered by his Nmom, that really struck a chord with me.  I have a similar reaction to emotional stress.  I can't keep my train of thought so I can't keep up the discussion,  so the other person can say, "See, it was nothing," or something similar, and walk away.   It's very frustrating.  Does this happen to your H, too?  If so, I think it's great that you step in to help him out, but it could look like you're pulling his strings.  His FOO know how to push this button, whether they are doing it on purpose or not, and don't like you overriding their control.

If this is the case, then a video chat could be a problem.  Push the right/wrong button and I'd agree to anything just to get away, then kick myself afterwards.  I have had better luck with typed convos, also available on skype.  The other person doesn't see if I'm crying, a big plus, or walking around or whatever.  If we get off topic, I can review and get back on.  I can make sure I've made my point.  I can look at my words before they go out.

It sounds like MIL and SIL refuse to believe their doormat is standing up for himself, so you must have taken control of him now.  What an insult to both of you!  I understand that your H wants sis to see his face with the words coming out of his mouth.  He should do it if he wants,  but she may not be convinced, especially if he has notes.  My advice would be for H to talk about this with his T, and learn how to deal with the pressure and manipulation.

Best wishes

Best wishes
Common Behaviors / Re: Financially Irresponsible??
« Last post by gb5 on Today at 05:01:22 PM »
My NPD is not financially responsible. He has hidden the bills from me in the past but currently just stacks them up in a pile and pays them when he has the money or when he feels like it. Many of our bills are overdue on a regular basis. He doesn't seem to think this will impact our credit rating though I am sure it has. We have credit card debt because he buys what he wants when he wants it, and thinks he deserves to do this. This has been one of the biggest areas of frustration for me in our relationship.

I can't imagine how difficult it must be to share/manage finances with them.  :o
Chosen Relationships / Re: Am I the Madonna or the other thing?
« Last post by Spence26 on Today at 04:59:13 PM »
Kissing is intimate, many pd's avoid intimacy.  Sex with the non or nons in their life is about them.  The non partner is a sex toy.

 :doh:  :yeahthat:
Chosen Relationships / Re: Overgrown toddler
« Last post by Spence26 on Today at 04:57:47 PM »
on what your daughter said to you

I have found myself reacting to my ex in the same way
I think its because they draw us into their dysfunction so easily

I know I would get so caught up in his arguments, that later I would think
dear God we sound like a couple of 2 year olds

and the circle of madness would continue

Now that I am Out of the FOG, I'm sometimes amazed how mature I feel. 
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