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newlife33, my sympathies on the loss of your mother.  That must have been really a whirlwind shock to see her email. 

What else could he get ahold of and use to torment you?  Maybe a domestic abuse place would have more self protection ideas.  You take care.  Big hugs.
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Chosen Relationships / Re: Ruined Friendships
« Last post by GettingOOTF on Yesterday at 06:34:04 PM »
By the time I divorced my BPDXH the only friends I really had left were those who lived in my home country and some online friends a made through a professional organization I’m in - so people he had no control over and who he didn’t really know I was in contact with.

It was a combination of no longer going out with people to keep the peace, him making people really uncomfortable and me being so caught up in all the drama and chaos in my marriage that I had nothing left over to be a friend to anyone else.

Isolating people from their friends seems to be Chapter 1 in the abuser handbook.
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Chosen Relationships / Re: Ruined Friendships
« Last post by Me_Again on Yesterday at 06:22:53 PM »
If nothing happened, why tell me now? 


If I explain this to my NPDH it will blow up and he will go down the list of reasons why everything is my fault and I'm a horrible person and that is why I have no friends.

Why tell you now? To achieve exactly what he did--the destruction of your friendship. If my friend had accused/asked me what you did to her, I'd stop talking to you, too (since you're still with him). Frankly, I wouldn't want to be drawn into your marriage drama. And I'd be very hurt. I also wouldn't want to make things worse for you in your marriage and would take myself out of the game your PDH is playing.

You can't "explain" anything to a PD. They don't think and/or react like normal people. Anything that you"explain" to him will only be ammunition that he can use at a later date.
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"I've made the decision not to speak about things like that. Will you excuse me while I refill my Coke?" If she keeps at it (and she probably will), I'd say "uNPDSIL, as I've already told you, I'm not going to discuss my parents. Please respect that and thanks for not asking me again."

Know this--If you say one thing about it, it will be twisted and told to your parents to create more chaos. Are you and your H on the same page about this? Because if she doesn't get the response she wants from you, she'll definitely go after him.
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Common Behaviors / Re: Maybe I just donít understand
« Last post by Plumcatcher on Yesterday at 06:07:10 PM »
Yes. The excuses kill me. It being someone else's fault. If I where in his shoes I would want him to understand.  This job is to this or that. The car doesn't work I can't go. Or my favorite "since you needed to use your truck I can't do what I needed". I end up doing the task by myself that was to hard for him to do.
My updh doesnt drink or anything he just wahlers in how the world has done him wrong.  It's really pathetic.
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Separating & Divorcing / Re: When he asks "Did I cause this?"
« Last post by kazzak on Yesterday at 06:00:31 PM »
Doesn't he know why you want a divorce?

I think the page on baiting is helpful. I'm not sure that is the dynamic, but some of the tools in there may help you with recognizing the emotional response he is triggering with you.

It sounds like you are responding appropriately - not taking the bait.
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Going No Contact with a PD Parent / After three years of peace...
« Last post by walkingwithhansel on Yesterday at 05:59:30 PM »
Today Hub found a note in the mailbox, handwritten, left there from his UNPD mother.  She said they'd knocked on the door, received no answer,  and that she believed it was time for the separation of family to come to an end.  Big news, lady...we get to decide who we want in our lives, period.  While she might wish anything until the cows come home, that does not make it so.  We intend to keep current our uninvitation to drama, thank you.  This is our home, our safe haven, and it will remain so, end of story.  Hubs and I agree, she can take her sense of entitlement on down the road.  No thanks.

Hub immediately went and nailed up a no trespassing sign.  No one coming to the door could miss it.  Our reason for getting the sign in the first place was to comply with local trespassing laws. In our state, you have to have a sign posted, or a recent notice that the person is not to be on the property.  The local police are aware of the background.  In the morning I will have hubs run by and let them know what the current situation is.  We have been encouraged to  just pick up the phone and call if we see them on the property.  They will be encouraged to leave, then cited for trespassing if they don't.  If it  happens more than once, there is the option of getting a stalking order against them.  Neither of us wants to do that, but if  they intend to push things (PD's love to push), it really leaves us with no other choice.  We just want our peace and quiet.  We have a right to that. 

Guess I'm just needing some encouragement right now.  Has anyone faced a similar circumstance?  At what point did they finally decide that the possibility of narcissistic  supply wasn't worth the hassle?

Thanks for hearing me out.  Just kind of frazzled right now.  It had been so long, I was hoping the silent treatment would be permanent. 
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Separating & Divorcing / Re: When he asks "Did I cause this?"
« Last post by Findingmyvoice on Yesterday at 05:56:30 PM »
What do you have to lose?
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Going No Contact with a PD Parent / Re: Joys of taking your life back
« Last post by Souz on Yesterday at 05:30:38 PM »
Great post. 

-  no more guilt trips
-  I no longer have to fight for the right to my thoughts, feelings or decisions
-  Like Biggerfish, there were times when I would anger with her and then feel terrible about it. 
-  Special occasions are no longer dampened by her input/criticisms/manipulations
-  We are free to spend holidays in our own way, we have made new traditions
-  I like not getting multiple phone calls/texts/emails from her per day
-  Despite the pain of NC, I appreciate it for being solid and consistent, unlike the wild ride of the abusive cycle I had been in with her for decades.  Slowly, I am experiencing more periods of peace
-  I have learned to make peace with not being able to control what other people think of me and that is very freeing.
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Common Behaviors / Re: territoriality
« Last post by flybluebirdfly on Yesterday at 05:28:18 PM »
My stbx is sort of love bomb/hovering them.  Like all of a sudden he's super Dad and texting them and Mr Big Hugs when he shows up.

But ------- the other night when he dropped them off and they ran in the house without really much of a good bye he said (dripping with sarcasm) "BYE DAD, LOVE YOU TOO >:("

This is his passive aggressive side that comes out when his attention needs are not being met.  Made my blood boil. 

I predict with your stbx the kids are going to start unconsciously moving away from him.  Nobody can handle that level of togetherness!
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