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Separating & Divorcing / Re: Relief- but how to move on
« Last post by mdana on Yesterday at 03:01:40 PM »
turtlemama:

Enjoy every moment of the calm and healing that you can when it comes.  Don't fret about "what could happen".  Whatever is going to happen ...will happen anyway and worrying about it won't change anything.  I do think it is a good idea to be aware of the possibilities, so that you (and your attorney's) can prepare.  AND, with disordered folks like this, it is highly likely he will not fight fair!  They are like junk yard dogs...! NO rules...no boundaries.  SO, let your attorney's prepare by alerting them to any past incidents that you think your ex could spin and use against you.

Beyond that ... enjoy the calm.  Does the calm mean a storm is coming? NO.  But, you do have trail and court next month, so YES, it will be a fight and feel like a storm.  That's why you have attorney's, friends/support and Beta Blockers!  LOVE the beta blockers! They saved my life every time!!!  GOOD for you! 

I had pretty severe PTSD (which I didn't even know about until after the divorce).  I had panic and anxiety just seeing his text message pop up on my phone or getting an email/phone call.  It felt pretty disabling for me. That lasted a few years for me, even with therapy and beta blockers.  I took an anti-depressant for a couple of years after the divorce and am off them now.  I didn't do aggressive PTSD therapy (like EMDR) but maybe that would have helped.  SO, it took me about 3.5 years to feel pretty free of it all.  Triggers still come up, but ... I have a daughter that was severely impacted as a result of her PD father that is quite ill...and we were married off/on for 26 nightmare years.  The turning point for me was when I was able to stand up to him...face to face...and not either panic or cower down at his BS.  It was magical!

I think that once your divorce is final, the focus for you may shift.  Seems like dwelling on the PD person is just part of the trauma of it all.  Once you process that, then you can shift the focus to you.  How can you...grow further...make sure you don't put yourself in a situation like this again... strengthen yourself deeply...

XOXOXO

M
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Committed to Working On It / Re: Push - Pull
« Last post by manchesterford on Yesterday at 02:48:02 PM »
You are all amazing and your support has really lifted my heart!  My T has just laid it on the line and I'm going to speak to my PD about moving things forward.  I need regain some control. I also plan to do a grocery order and try 5 htp first. Another thread about setting boundaries when scared they will pull away to come.. love to you all xx   
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I'm like 123banana I was the lost child for sure. Except I only had one half sibling who was 10 years older than me and she was the hero and at times mascot I think. I actually believed she was literally smarter/ better capable so why should I bother having an opinion about anything?
I do think at moments I was also scapegoated but all for made up reasons or being made to compare to my sister the hero. I was never as great as she was but I was also a decent kid because for the most part I stuck to my part of being quiet and not taking too much of anyone's time or resources.
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Committed to Working On It / Re: LOVE
« Last post by manchesterford on Yesterday at 02:42:39 PM »
Thank you all for sharing!  X xx
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Separating & Divorcing / Re: He said "If you leave, don't come back"
« Last post by mdana on Yesterday at 02:39:44 PM »
Well....it sounds like he doesn't care or love you Amora...
"fine, but don't ever come back again".  That's NOT loving at all! 

You have your answer Amora... the one you have been looking for.  "rock-n-roll baby" ??? Oh brother!

So, what's keeping you from leaving now?  Why would you ever want to come back to that?  To someone...that doesn't and probably can't REALLY love you....honor you....care for you...work with you ...grow with you?  The end of the pain is a good thing!

M
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Separating & Divorcing / Re: Putting an end to it
« Last post by mdana on Yesterday at 02:34:08 PM »
Sparrow...this was posted by someone else (Mariposa) on another thread and thought it would help you ...

http://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=58453.0


Re: Saying goodbye to crazy
Reply #6 on: Today at 01:28:05 PM
My exh has been seeing a psychiatrist and counselor for a few years now. Nothing has changed with his personality.  From what I gathered from my ex's reports of his initial counseling, his take on it was how unjust others had been to him.  He said after his initial session that the session brought tears to his eyes. He told me that the counselor told him that it didn't sound like it was a real marriage since he didn't get all the sex he wanted. I guess exh didn't bring up the abuse, cheating, lying , jail time, the overspending, the bullying, the constant unemployment due to theft, fraud, his mouth. I knew therapy was not going to help. He also made a comment that he couldn't wait to talk about his horrible mother- his mother made him do some chores as a child and wouldn't buy him everything he wanted.  Nothing changed due to counseling.

When he is involved with someone I hear less from him. It's got to take a huge amount of emotional energy to put on the perfect face with someone new. I will be so relieved when he is married again, because his real self will show itself and the chaos at home should keep him emotionally involved for a long time.  Mine disparages me on Facebook, but expects me to be there for his medical crisis.  It just doesn't make sense.
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Separating & Divorcing / He said "If you leave, don't come back"
« Last post by Amora on Yesterday at 02:33:21 PM »
I had the "Talk" with my H last night, I was so nervous!!!  Well, he talked more than I did.  He admitted that he manipulated and controlled me just like he did to others.  Games, he played games with people just to see if they did what he told them to do.  Now how much of the truth that is, I don't know.  It may have been jokes.  I don't know what goes on in his mind.  I was supposed to leave Sunday, I just couldn't do it with out having the convo.  I just don't have the guts to up and leave with out a trace.  I know that's what you're supposed to do, but I just can't. 

So after I told him I do want a separation, clear my head and recuperate, he said "fine, but don't ever come back again".  Separating and coming back is not a option.  He told me to go on and be happy, "rock-n-roll baby".   I asked him why we can't do it this way.  He said because it never works out.  He said if I thought that I'm going to get my confidence back, I'm not.  That I'll be more in debt and more stress by being alone and that it never works out.  He said not to worry, I'll find some one and he'll find some one soon.  That he won't love them like he does me, but he'll find some one new. and I will too.  He said that when women talk like this, they already have plans, an agenda.  And when I told him I was not going to be out looking for some one else, he said "that's what all you women say".  He said I just want to be free and out partying.  I told him no, but he said "yeah, right".  He also said that if we can't make it work in house, how can we make it work being apart.

So, here I go,  Once I leave, I'm never going to be able to go back.  It will be the End.


78

The law of motivation- by you saying essentially "no" to their horrendous PD behavior with NC and holding firm you are opening yourself up to things you feel good about saying yes to. It's like you are letting the universe know your intentions of not putting up with XYZ abuse and therefore only allowing goodness into your life.
The law of exposure- I think it's the same as above but instead of a "no" you are putting a defined boundary up going NC. NC means you block the person and any all communication- that's your boundary. And that you have clearly defined that to the person you intend to go no contact with. If you have already communicated it to them and they aren't listening then it's on them not you. Your consequence? Continued NC.
Hope that helps!
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Committed to Working On It / Re: LOVE
« Last post by Alwayshopeful4 on Yesterday at 02:27:29 PM »
Captain Corelli's Mandolin by Louis de Bernieres


Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your root was so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is.
Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being in love, which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.

Those that truly love have roots that grow towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms have fallen from their branches, they find that they are one tree and not two.


This is beautiful.  This spoke volumes to me.

Thank you for sharing!
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Separating & Divorcing / Re: Saying goodbye to crazy
« Last post by HopefulOne44 on Yesterday at 02:19:26 PM »
Sorry for how drained you're feeling, Kit (((HUGS)))..

I am not where you are in your journey, but I have the same concerns about not being able to 'escape crazy' once  my uN/BPDu and I are divorced (he doesn't know yet, but I'm preparing).

I can relate to being treated poorly and disrespected in front of the kids (DS9 & DS11).  As I have come OOTF in full force in just this last year or so (of an 18 year rel/14 year marriage), I am now realizing how awful I was treated in front of our kids in years past and it makes me so sad. I am feeling more and more as time goes by that I am becoming angry and much less tolerant where it comes to abusive behaviors.

I can't imagine having to deal with your exPD coming up and sitting by you at the kids' game - huh!?  :aaauuugh:

I would treat him as you would a stranger you feel very uncomfortable around and either move or ask him to sit elsewhere.  I get that there are still ramifications to consider even when making a simple request for personal space (hence your frustration) but I can't imagine I'd be putting up with that kind of blatant disregard for your feelings after you worked so hard - no doubt - to extricate yourself from his life.

I'm sure that over time you will find many ways to deal with these kinds of behaviors and that as you employ these tactics, you will see a decrease in how often these kinds of scenarios are occurring.

Regarding the name calling, I imagine that there must be some kind of recourse.  Your ex is essentially continuing to abuse you and *in front of your kids*!

You might check with your attorney on this issue.  Citing concern for the kids (as opposed to your frustration, fears or irritation) might get you somewhere as it seems the courts are focused (and rightly so) on protecting children, moreso than dealing with what may appear to be 'squabbles' between adults (in my readings it seems courts aren't well versed on PD relationships).

At the very least, the name calling is in fact abuse.  I would try to (if able) to get a recording/video of him doing this in front of the children and see what you might be able to do with that proof.

Can't wait to see what things will be like trying to parallel parent two boys after our divorce ..  Not...   :wacko:

Also - YES here on the tornado dreams (as well as earthquakes!)... And like you I have also dreamed of seeing multiple tornados.  Take a peek at dream interpretation and it will ALL make total sense.  ;)

Well, I don't know if any of this has helped you any, Kit....  Just know that I care and wish you the very best in dealing with the continuing 'crazy'.   In the mean time, I'm sending good thoughts and vibes your way. ♥

(((HUGS)))  :witch:  HopefulOne44

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