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Dealing with PD Elderly Family Members / Re: Whipping Girl
« Last post by JG65 on Yesterday at 09:03:04 PM »

I was the one in the family who could not sacrifice herself enough to help my dNPD father.  I'm a helper and fixer with empathy, too much empathy sometimes. 

When I finally got kicked in the behind to the point of falling apart, I cut contact.  I was trying, yet again, to save my father from the consequences of his own bad choices.  I realized my father saw my kindness, my desire to help people and my empathy and he used those qualities to mistreat and abuse me.  I felt like the dumb one.  I too was my father's dutiful and abused dog.  He thought he had the right to treat me that way. 

Now that I have had the time and space to reflect, I recognize the qualities that allowed my father to exploit me are great qualities.  The shame is on him for taking advantage of me.

You aren't dumb, you are kind.  The only change you need to make is to stop giving him any opportunity to abuse you.  Expend your concern and kindness on someone who deserves it and who will appreciate it.  I know you don't want to leave your B and SIL to care for him.  With my dad, my sister and I made an agreement that we would both cut contact and that worked well. 

Since your father does not have dementia, he can now make his own choices and figure out how to deal with the consequences.  You can't stop him from making bad choices and worrying about the bad choices he will make is of no benefit to anyone.   Let him figure out how to deal with the consequences.  Refuse to play his game.

As a fellow helper, I know how hard it is to let go and walk away, especially after investing your time, energy and concern for so long.  But, the only way to stop the cycle is to let go.

The Welcome Mat / Re: Out of Ideas
« Last post by worrywart on Yesterday at 08:25:36 PM »
Sorry to hear this.

Sharing a life with someone who is mentally ill is really really hard.

It's not you. My advice is your focus should be on you and your feelings, not hers. You can't satisfy her so take care of yourself so you can cope.
The Welcome Mat / One day I will be free
« Last post by worrywart on Yesterday at 08:15:54 PM »
Married to a somatic narcissist. Learned this several years ago after finding out about yet another affair. Did a lot of research and was sad to come to this realization.

Last night I came upon husband's latest secret phone. Didn't even look this time because I know what I would find.

Not as upset as I used to be...just want away from him. I've chosen to stay to avoid the raging aftermath of my leaving, for my daughter's sake. When she is older, I will leave. And I will never ever look back.


Looking forward to meeting others and am glad to know I am not alone.
Dealing with PD Parents / Re: Apparently my uPDmother stalks Facebook
« Last post by Malini on Yesterday at 07:12:37 PM »
Yes I do think it's creepy because it allows her to access information without other people knowing about it, which is a general problem with FB but even more so when you're being shamed, humiliated, stalked etc by them in real life. 

My almost 80 yr old NM and 88 yr old enNF both have Facebook. I don't but my kids and my nieces do and I know they stalk them there. They stalk my sons Girlfriends Twitter too. As I don't have FB but am active on other social media, my NM now has a LinkdIn account, has signed up and follows me on Pinterest, a wine app I use and Tripadvisor.

Whereas normal people would seek to resolve conflict, my parents fan the flames as much as they can. I interpret their social media presence as a way of maintaining a form of control over us, as NM did not hesitate to retweet shaming photos, post abusive messages, like photos. It's a reminder that they will always be there until they finally aren't.
Separating & Divorcing / This is where I'm at
« Last post by Losingground on Yesterday at 07:04:55 PM »
So I have been saving for months and have a bit to sustain me when I leave. I think I'll be in a hotel for a while which scares the beejesus out of me. It will cost so much. I moved into the spare room today so I know I can't be here much longer, he's gonna really make it hard. I just keep thinking the longer I stay and save the longer I'll sustain my self until I get on my feet. This is a cautionary tale. I'm sixty and have just about nothing because I've left and come back and left and returned...this forum has shown me I can expect nothing more then what I've experienced from my pd husband. But one day at a time and I'll stay resolute.😑
Time and physical distance, then forgiving.
The Welcome Mat / Re: New and trying to understand gaslighting
« Last post by mariathebird on Yesterday at 06:59:36 PM »
Thank you both.  It sounds like I need to learn more about triangulation, as now I am thinking this has been occurring more often than not. Thank you for your responses!!
Going No Contact with a PD Parent / Re: Life after NM's death!
« Last post by Newlife33 on Yesterday at 06:56:23 PM »

because the narc used me as her dumping ground, that was cruel when she wouldn't seek therapy for her pain ( issues) she made out threw the drama triangle it was every one else but her. She never spoke a positive word into my life and I was so carefree lively and a exhuberant person she sucked the life out of me but I am slowly recovering my happiness it got to the stage where anything I did was wrong , the way I said good morning etc I was constantly trying my hardest to please her. I feel such a fool now for doing it, but I was fogged.

That was so unfair to you.  It should be a crime to emotionally abuse someone, no child should ever have ever thought of themselves as a dumping ground. Sending you :hug . They really didn't ever say one positive thing......nothing about us.  Only positive things that dealt with their life.  "My son did great in school, I'm glad I work hard and got him into a good school and am such a great father."  Criiiinnnngggggeeee again.  We didn't deserve this pain. But we have it.  Thankfully we have a place like this to unload the pain and help us to heal.  I am glad you are feeling a little better, everyday is a step forward.  I don't know of any jobs :(  Only jobs in the film industry are my connections and even those are limited.
The Welcome Mat / Re: New and trying to understand gaslighting
« Last post by Geko on Yesterday at 06:51:52 PM »
It definitely sounds like your H is gaslighting and triangulating. Gaslighting your daughter and triangulating your son. At least this is out in the open and your daughter will be on her guard with her Dad now as she'll know he's not got her best interest at heart. I can't believe he did that to his own daughter and using his son to stir trouble!  I bet he didn't expect to come back to haunt him like it did. Hopefully, he'll think before he does something like this again.

You sound like a lovely Mum Maria as you have both children's best interests at heart. Keep an eye on your man and you might need to be on your guard with him to act as buffer between the children if something like this happens again. i always say to my daughter to trust her own instincts as they're usually right when it concerns your children.

Take care and lets hope this doesn't happen again.  :bighug:
May be important to separate christianity as a spiritual practice and religion practice.

My view is that religion attracts a lot of PD people. I grew up very church-going christian and in hindsight I swear that nearly every church-goer was PDd in some way!! We moved about 20 times and went to a number of different denominations. Ultimately both my parents - including my uPDm - remained church going christians while us 'kids' moved on as soon as we had the choice. As mentioned here us kids couldn't stand going anymore.

 It was so fear-based, so controlling, and icky-feeling. Furthermore we were abused by christians and there was always a scripture or excuse to make it OK. I grew up having nightmares about Jesus coming to "get" me.

Sorry, that's beside the point.
The question what could you be PD and ...? Go to church and act the part? YES. Absolutely!
Actually do as christ would have done? Live with compassion, love, forgiveness, non-judgement? PROBABLY NOT. CERTAINLY NOT.

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