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71
Chosen Relationships / Do we really love them?
« Last post by Hope19 on Today at 09:19:44 AM »
I've been wondering whether I really love him or whether I really love the "happy" life I imagined to have by his side. It's been now 3 weeks that we've been separeted (though still in contact because we live together because of work) and I feel so much like hugging him and telling him how much I loved him, I see him struggling with certain things and I see him so vulnerable, I don't want him to have a bad time with anything in his life. However, after thinking this I ask myself "do you really love him?" "Can you really love someone who have treated so unfairly bad?"

What is it then? what is it that we really feel? Is it love? is it just the hope of sorting things out and have the life you wanted with that person once you thought was your soul mate?
72
Chosen Relationships / Re: How Do Stop Thinking About it All
« Last post by bonnieG on Today at 09:16:33 AM »
Upstream
I hate when *sorry* from the PD means in effect " drop it". That's a lose/ lose conversation.

I am so sorry you have to experience this. It's very frustrating.

I would create a boundary around your time out of the house, number one. How about leaving your phone turned off, or the ringer off so he can't interrupt your time away? Maybe leave  the phone in your car, create some space between you and the source of his summoning you!
Tell him as you leave-if you call me when I am out, I will NOT respond. Then just GO. You don't need to explain further.

For circular arguments you have to drop your end of the rope. Just tell him up front if the discussion deteriorates you will not engage. Period. Then walk away. Grit your teeth and let him talk to the walls. Leave the room and get busy with the kids or a chore that occupies you. Ignore him. You can even collect the kids and go back out. (get ice cream, go to the park, the grocery store; anything)

It's hard and he will have tantrums-bc you are upsetting his game, His routine of controlling you. Expect extinction bursts of worse behavior at first. I know mine was the same. Then his lectures and rants turned more violent. Now he's my PDExh.
 :grouphug:
bonnieG
73
Chosen Relationships / Re: Hearing my PD in my head constantly...
« Last post by lavalove on Today at 09:10:04 AM »
I've had to work through the same thing, and it is really annoying.  In my case it was a lot of really nasty things from PD parents and PDexh.  I picture them all behind a very thick and high concrete wall.  That wall is not only soundproof, but I can paint whatever picture in whatever colors I want to on my side of it.   :)
74
Chosen Relationships / Hearing my PD in my head constantly...
« Last post by photoday32 on Today at 08:56:41 AM »
This is similar to another post this morning but how do you stop the internal dialog between yourself and your PD?

When I go anywhere (or just stay at home) I hear him constantly in my head... "That isn't healthy" "That costs to much" "Boy this place is a mess" "That is a waste of gas" "Do we really NEED that?"...Sometimes I am frozen with fear of making the "wrong" decision at the grocery store. It is exhausting and of course I would never tell him, as his head would swell with pride that I "think" about him so often.

Do any of you do this and how do you stop it??
75
Chosen Relationships / Re: What would you do about this crisis?
« Last post by hhaw on Today at 08:56:35 AM »
And for Pete's sake, disable the pd's ability to track you through your phone.

hhaw
76
Chosen Relationships / Re: How Do Stop Thinking About it All
« Last post by Upstream on Today at 08:56:25 AM »
So HOW do i step back and take control? Do i just walk off after his first evasive response?

So now, (next day) i am getting the silent treatment and the poor me victim routine. I sent him a text saying i dont deserve the silent treatment and he is not my victim and that he is just being manipulative to get what he wants! I said when he is ready to talk to me in a constructive and healthy way, then i am all for that. So far , no response.
77
The Welcome Mat / New and in need of some insight
« Last post by rosielee on Today at 08:54:38 AM »
Hello all, thank god I found this website. After reading a few posts I realize I'm not the only one who has issues with my relationship.

I met my partner 4 years ago and we have had a great relationship. When I met him, he told me that he had been hospitalized several times and was given the diagnosis of BPD but he has coped with it for 10 years and he hasn't had any problems. I thought hey, I have depression, how bad could it be! (how wrong was I)

We moved in together a year after we met and everything was going well. I started to notice that he would become obsessed by certain things and when any stress would arise, he couldn't deal with it and would dismiss it off hand (even if it was serious as paying rent, council tax etc).

He told me that he hears voices and he thinks they are the government trying to get us all to do things. Although he also told me that he can cope with them very well and they do not affect him, and he showed no signs of it doing so.

A year ago he had a breakdown, came home from work and told me he had to quit and spent the next 4 - 5 weeks manically 24 hours posting on various forums and websites about his feelings of the government control and got himself kicked off everyone. It came to a climax when he wanted us to both go into the woods and stay there for 2 days without eating and the aliens would come and pick us up.

Obviously this was hugely distressing and I involved members of his and my family, the next day he was fine and although in hindsight I wished I'd have called an ambulance I didn't.

Things worked out and he told me if I didn't leave he would walk the country (we're in England) and look for somewhere better to stay. So I moved out and we stayed together and after 6 months we moved back in with each other.

He got better and was back to his normal self.

3 weeks ago, he quit his job again and is having another episode. He isn't acting as bad as the last time, although he sleeps maybe every 3-4 days and doesn't look like himself, his eyes are different and he looks tired. He won't engage in conversation and is again spending 24hrs on the internet on websites, getting kicked off, asking me to create him new profiles. I have read some of his posts and they are rambling nonsense (obv to him they are readable).
He generally sleeps an average of 4 hours and continually wakes me up throughout the night to get stuff from the bedroom and leaves the heating on all day and all the lights in the house are on when I return from work, he doesn't accept the fact that we are short on money now he doesn't have a job and tells me electricity should be free.

He is like a child when he is in this state.

I am stuck with what to do.

He hasn't seen a doctor for about 7 years and everytime I ask him to get help, he tells me this is who he is and if I don't like it then I shouldn't be with him. I love him and I don't want to break up with him, but I don't know what to do, I want to help him and I believe this is limiting his life and with some sort of therapy he might be able to handle it better.

It's difficult to manage the house we rent with one income and all the other stresses that come with it.

Is anyone else in this situation?

I have read up on BPD and he doesn't necessarily fit any of the descriptions.

Has anyone got any advice on how I can get him to get help?

Thank you for reading this and it feels good to write everything that has happened down.

Rosielee x
78
Unchosen Relationships / Re: Cognitive Dissonance - SIL
« Last post by WhiteCups on Today at 08:53:54 AM »
I know what you mean katherinicus, its easy to forget the full context.

Its easy to forget your personal distress and "felt sense" at the time. 

Even writing a diary doesn't work 100% (though its a help) because of this reason.

Probably why boundaries, vigilance, MC and no guilt important. 

(though honestly some of these PDs sound so  awful and such hard work, I am constantly surprised when posters haven't told them to get lost in no uncertain terms ...
79
Separating & Divorcing / Re: Questions...help.
« Last post by hhaw on Today at 08:53:33 AM »
VeryConfused:

What's happening with the contempt charges against your stbxpd?

hhaw
80
Chosen Relationships / Re: How Do Stop Thinking About it All
« Last post by photoday32 on Today at 08:50:32 AM »
I could have written your post today Upstream, I came here to post something very similar this morning. I understand when you say you feel pressured to race home when your out alone and when you get there there is always some crisis. If I go out and do one more stop that I didn't tell my unPDh about beforehand he labels me a liar and then my whole trip is suspect.

I try to remind myself that there is no validation from my PDh, he will never see my side of things or admit to any wrong, so I have to stop expecting him to. Thinking of him as a child who can't control his emotions and reactions helps me to be patient with him but it is so difficult when they are in a full grown body! Also, coming here to write about it and get validation that way helps me greatly...I'm curious to see what others have to say.
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