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Working on Us / Re: Huge Lightbulb on "Selfish"
« Last post by seekingvision on Yesterday at 09:07:44 PM »
Self preservation and survival is not the same as selfishness.

On a harried day (perhaps due to pd sabotage, lol) you had no breakfast, and are forced to run errands on lunch hour. You are hungry when arriving at the bank and find sandwiches  cookies and punch are offered as part of a promotion.  Eating a sandwich a couple of cookies and a glass or two of punch is self preservation.  Taking a cooler bag from your trunk and loading it all up is selfishness.

Booting predators from the nest is not selfish either.
Working on Us / Still Loving even after loss
« Last post by seekingvision on Yesterday at 08:57:10 PM »
I know a man who lost his son to a tragic death.  Following he delved into depression and alcohol abuse and fell to the bottom.  He ended up in rehab and later in a work program for rehab exits.

My pd and I met him quite a few years back and when we asked him what brought him to our area he asked if we has some time than told us his story. 

I remember in the story one thing that especially stood out.  He said that a realization that helped him was when he realized that he did not have to stop loving his son just because he had died.

It occured to me that this also applies to many of us here.  Whether we leave a pd, acknowledge they never existed, Or will never will be what they were again, we can grieve that loss move on and continue to love them. 
Unchosen Relationships / Re: contacted by uBPD moms sister...
« Last post by RainbowG on Yesterday at 08:51:47 PM »
I like Nightbird's reply. It's a polite but firm "thanks but no thanks." Depending, of course, on whether you want to contact her or not.

I think it really comes down to that. If you do then I like the idea of saying you'd be happy to chat with her but discussion of the family is off limits. The problem, of course, is that if she's the type not to respect your wishes then you'll keep having to remind her, which is tedious at best and could turn into something nasty at worst, depending on her motives. WomanInterrupted made a great point, too, about not having to respond.

I'm NC with my entire family except my sister, who totally understands the situation. If someone from the family tried to contact me like this, I wouldn't respond, but then I have no special bond with any of them. The problem is that if they didn't show support for you before, it's highly likely (though not guaranteed) that they won't be able to now. That's not to say she isn't sincere, but sincerity isn't enough. You have to be willing to see the PD differently, and she may not be able to do that.
This is a very complex family dynamic. When things are running smoothly, I get along pretty good with my foo. It's been really difficult, however for about two years.

Two years ago you began your recovery from co-dependence, and two years ago your relationship with your FOO began to get difficult. There's no coincidence there. It's to be expected. You began to change your role in the FOO, and that shook up the dysfunctional FOO apple cart.

I'm not seeing how this family dynamic is complex. What they're doing is the standard dysfunctional family's response to one family member's pulling away from the dysfunctional family system. Did you believe you'd be able to do that and your FOO would just go along with it and become healthy, too?

Consider this: the reason you're perceiving it as "difficult" and "complex" is that you've got some conflicting internal agendas going on inside yourself. You want conflicting things, and you're trying to find ways of controlling what the other people involved (H, M, SD) do so as to make it all happen.

You want to be mentally healthy. You want to relate to people in healthy ways, rather than from co-dependence. You want to have a relationship with your FOO, and you want that relationship to be "smooth". You want your H to be a part of your relationship with your FOO.

You just want everyone to get along, darn it!  ;)

Seriously, the things you want are understandable and reasonable. The only problem is, your dysfunctional FOO cannot give those things to you, and you have no control over that fact.

My husband was trying to tell me what you've both written but his style was aggressive and bullyish. He was scared and could not allow me time to process my awakening in my own way. He tried to control my recovery and it ended up backfiring, sending me directly back to my moms arms.

I hope you don't mind me being blunt here, but when you have disagreements with your H, you should not be running back to your mom's arms. That would be true even if your M was emotionally healthy. Work your marital relationship problems out with your marital partner. Your priority now should be attending to your own marriage, and your responsibilities to your children; not trying to manage your mother. Your primary family now is the family you're creating with your H, not your FOO.

I'm just unsure how to handle my mom at this point.

This question gets us to the "nitty-gritty" of your situation. I would suggest, for starters, that you stop trying to micro-manage everything. Stop bringing your H into it, trying to make your FOO fit him into their family system. Stop trying to "handle" your mother, actually.

It sounds to me as though you are still emotionally enmeshed with your M to some extent. You're still taking responsibility for her feelings, for instance, which is pretty common for us co-dependent types; and you're still afraid of her responses, which if you're dealing with an N is very understandable. You're early on in your recovery path, so don't beat yourself up about this. Just continue to work on distancing emotionally from her. I can't remember if you've said whether you're in therapy, but it could be helpful at this point.

Chosen Relationships / Re: Please advise...
« Last post by seekingvision on Yesterday at 08:46:55 PM »
Sounds like you are in a safe enough place to process emotions. As this happens you might eventually feel the pressure they are held back with lessening and with that the physical stresses associated diminish as well.  If you find that to much time is being spent in a tough emotional place seek help
I hope it is a sign you are on the road to healing and health.
Working on Us / Re: Huge Lightbulb on "Selfish"
« Last post by RM on Yesterday at 08:43:10 PM »
If you had been selfish all of your life than I would agree on calling it selfish.
If you are an unchosen chances are you have never got to be selfish, therefor, I think selfish is not the right feeling!
As in only a person who is always selfish can be selfish.  If you have never been a selfish person how can you suddenly be selfish?

But you already got that lightbulb I just want to validate you.

It sounds like their definition of 'selfish' should have been 'doormat.'
Telling you that you are dramatic or overreacting to something he caused precisely to cause you emotional pain, is an over the top example of devaluation and invalidation of you and your personhood
Unchosen Relationships / Re: contacted by uBPD moms sister...
« Last post by Nightbird on Yesterday at 08:30:34 PM »
Even if not a full-blown flying monkey, she sounds like a meddler. I'd go with something like:

Dear Aunt, Thank you for your message. I'm happy to know that you are available if there is anything I feel like talking about. In the meantime, I appreciate your thinking of me! I hope all is well with you. Love, Motherofadarling
Separating & Divorcing / Re: Silent Treatment
« Last post by Still Standing on Yesterday at 08:26:20 PM »
I also love that book "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft and he has several others about the impact of abuse on your children. Some of the scenes in that book could have been taken directly from my house!

It is disconcerting for me when NPDh goes "off the grid" so to speak. He has threatened to kill himself a number of times, so I always worry if I don't hear from him. We have been separated for seven months but text on pretty much a daily basis. Texting seems to be the way we communicate best...emails can get too long and emotional, we are not great on the phone, and face to face we usually end up yelling and screaming. It's sad.
As an only child, I had the great misfortune of having both roles dumped on me. "Mindf**k" hardly begins to scratch the surface of what that was like!

Now that I'm no longer putting up with my uBPD mother's abuse, a very possibly PDed cousin is stepping in to take the GC role. And as far as I'm concerned, she can have it!

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