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Going No Contact with a PD Parent / Re: V v manipulative NF scared
« Last post by Bloomie on Today at 12:31:38 PM »
Ventingit - What a tough spot to be in - not to feel you are able to trust completely in your partner's support of you in these issues with your dad. Why do you suppose your partner would be in contact with your father knowing your desire for NC? Is your partner particularly vulnerable to sad stories, or family discord and would desire to help reconcile you and your father?

Is it possible to have a quite conversation about your concerns with your partner and clear some of this up? Would it be helpful to establish boundaries around the privacy you both need in your relationship? I am thinking in terms of your partner potentially sharing confidential information with your landlady or others in your circle? It seems like this is something you would feel much more at ease in if you addressed it directly. Just some thoughts. Sorry you are going through this! :hug:
Chosen Relationships / Re: Could it be this simple?
« Last post by bruceli on Today at 12:28:21 PM »
I sent the narc some photos I took the other day. Just pics with my iphone, slightly arty, but certainly not anything exceptional. Heard nothing from him after sending them.

Could it be possible I caused injury (he takes photos too, plus steals photos from other sites to pass off as his own) by sending him those photos? I waited two days, and then begged him to contact me. He told me he was really busy  :wacko: That is his standard line.

He knows going silent causes me stress,

and our conversation was pretty mundane, I definitely didn't say anything to cause offense.

Then I was in the coffee shop and he saw me, I didn't see him. He yelled out, apparently I turned on my heel and walked out. I didn't notice him, he knows I'm blind as a bat, and I was very stressed about something else, so not really paying attention. I got a nasty email from him telling me how rude I am. That was the last contact I had.

I have apologised for 'ignoring him', but the you think it could be possible they would be enough to cause him to stop talking to me?

A part of me wants to beg him for forgiveness, but it's kinda pathetic if I do that.

PD's will always go for your weakness.......
But I do need to give the court the reason for NC.  She is bringing the point that my NC is irrational, damaging to my son and family AND IS FOR NO REASON.

Has your solicitor said that you have to give a reason for NC?

In the UK, does a person have the legal right to insist on contact with their siblings and the siblings' children?  "Legal right" = a law that requires you to have contact with your siblings.  Is there such a law where you live? Are you obligated by law to have contact with your sister, and to let he have contact with your children?

Unless the answer to those questions is "yes", why would you need to justify to a court of law your decision not to have contact with her?

Yes yes yes, Kjewel:

It seems like going NC with a sister isn't something anyone would have to defend as a point of law. 

I've seen the courts entertain silly suits bc they FEEL it MIGHT be in the best interest of the child, and opposing counsel was very tricksy in his interpretation of the law.... but the laws are pretty straight forward barring tricksy attorneys, IME.

Separating & Divorcing / Re: Does your PD drive like a maniac?
« Last post by waking up on Today at 12:18:37 PM »
Yes, I have had the same experience.  My husband would constantly tailgate, speed, run lights, yell and swear....Once he got out of the car at a red light and threatened to beat up someone who had pissed him off.   As he got older he seemed to do this less and less, but I don't know if that is only when someone else is in the car with him.  I know he got a speeding ticket a few days ago, so maybe it still continues.

His father also drove like an idiot.  Total disregard for others.  He would attempt to pass on the Hwy when there wasn't any room, and almost ran head on into an oncoming vehicle.  He would laugh when other people in the car got scared.....Eventually he was driving as he normally does and he rolled his vehicle down an embankment.  Karma, baby.....
Congrats on your son's first steps. 

I was reflecting on being a jerk to a colleague the other day.  She had some serious mental health issues, and as a result, I ended up always thinking the worst and acting accordingly. 

Now that I've finally caught on to my father's behavior and his NPD, I do the same with him, and I went NC and sometimes wonder if I'm being a jerk to him.  We didn't invite him to Thanksgiving or Christmas and that felt very harsh.  At the same time, we had valid reasons for not doing so. 

Unfortunately when people behave in a way that is inconsistent, manipulative, and toxic, we end up having to shape our behavior accordingly.   We have to behave like jerks to protect ourselves. 

With all of that said, I see nothing in your interaction that was you behaving like a jerk.  Your mother told you how you should or shouldn't feel, which is not okay. 

If you decide to continue your relationship with your PD mother, it would be helpful to think about what you and and can't expect from her.  She clearly seeks to say things to you to hurt you, so unfortunately, you need to expect her to do this and stop letting what she says hurt you.  Keep telling yourself her opinion has no value to you.  Keep reminding yourself that she is a sick person. 
Common Behaviors / Re: FOG vs Love
« Last post by lovely on Today at 12:08:38 PM »
This is so true!  I have learned a few things too...  ATTRACTION = wow he/she is so great looking, gets a lot of attention, seems admired by others.  This isn't love    INFATUATION = I love how you make me feel, no one has made me feel like this... (all about how good we feel with them)  This isn't love      REAL LOVE = Based on how a person acts, qualities they possess, and how the fit with our value system.  This is love.  When you have this the attraction and feelings develop OVER TIME, not in an instant or few weeks.  If we are drawn in by how good they make us feel, pretty soon they will use this as emotional blackmail and we will be feeling obligation, guilt and a whole host of other negatives.  What someone 'appears' to be isn't important.  Its what they are on the INSIDE, their actions, and moral system that count.  If you feel an instant attraction, if they tell you things you've never heard before, or if they make you feel In a way you have never felt before.... BUYER BEWARE.  We are often groomed to identify PD's by our upbringing and we are attracted to that which we know or have been exposed to.  RUN!!! :0)
Dealing with PD Parents / Re: A threat from NPD dad
« Last post by Bloomie on Today at 12:06:34 PM »
sherby2k - what an empowered healthy response to this small message that packs a big wallop from your father. I especially love the description between your little girl self and grown up girl self. Wise to ground yourself this way. It is the specter of a PD parent looming over our lives that is the hardest thing to break free from. The intimidation tactics and bullying we have experienced effect us deeply and years of being subjected to bullying behavior can increase our tolerance for behavior we would otherwise not allow toward us. Often, it is seeing this same behavior toward our precious children that compels us to end, and often confront, the behavior even though we are frightened. Our love for our children outweighs our fear of our bullying parent. And in time we do make the connection that protecting our inner selves from abuse, now that we are understand how to do that, is equally important.

Time and distance - such as you have given yourself in this past year - is a true gift. As we begin to live in peace and experience freedom the FOG really does clear and we begin to have a measured and balanced perspective about how toxic and damaging the behaviors from our PD parent have been. You are showing signs of great growth and healing in your life and making some very vital changes in if/when/how you allow your father back in close connection with you and your family. 

Learning to trust ourselves, our instincts in relationship to a bullying parent and see intrusive and threatening behavior for what it is, is a very big step forward.  :applause:

Common Behaviors / Re: PD people and music
« Last post by twogrey on Today at 12:06:03 PM »
My BPD mom was never creative enough to find her own music, but she wanted copies of what I had.  Once I gave them to her, she never listened to them; and if I tried to play them when we were together in the house or in the car, she would turn them down so low we couldn't hear them.
Dealing with PD Elderly Family Members / Re: They are MY children!!!!!
« Last post by chailatte on Today at 11:59:53 AM »
Thanks MLR,
I will look that up,  I find myself starting activities before she calls so they get immersed but it doesn't work in the house even if we're eating as a family she'll pull a chair over and squeeze in which is a huge distraction for 3 small ones.
your right outdoors is the only way- were having constant storms lately making it very hard but it's beginning to brighten.
I think I'll plan the back garden for activities in better weather and for now only meey her in park woods or beach ..
    Sorry CA, but keep up the good work of trying to stay balanced and happy and have a better life than your M - I see you sort of felt guilty about calling a few days after the anniversary of your grandmother's death but please don't feel guilty that you caused this. I know you don't but I know "we" here on this site fight those feelings/emotions. I think that normal people in a normal family would want to talk anytime about anything. Ours isn't normal so there you have that. It's not going to be what you want it to be.

    I also think you need some time with your grandfather. It was good that you had a little support growing up and you need to spend some time with him when M is not around. I think you might arrange that with her. Go pick him up with Little Man and take them for ice cream or something of that nature.

    I remember when my Aunt died tragically in a car accident, leaving 3 small girls who were precious to me as cousins. I was about 8 and said innocuously "oh my those poor girls - what are they going to do without their mother" and then I got slapped across the face by M who was screaming "what about me, my sister is dead you little b" ... yeah, that's the way she rolled.

   I also think it's tragic that when people are like that we look at everything they say or do with scrutiny. This focus is exhausting for us. We are always looking for affirmation that our feelings and emotions are correct in assuming that our BP people are off and wrong. So therein lies some guilt I think sometimes that we are over scrutinizing when we are not - it's just glaring at us all the time because it's right there in our face!
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