I admire how succinctly you have put this:
what I'm dealing with and how destructive it is for me to stay in an abusive relationship.
The other thing that the meddlers never comprehend is that when you've come from a lifetime of abuse, is that you don't have the same set of defences that someone with a happy loving family has.
I know that my elderly cousin has an entire network of love and support and a lifetime of happy memories - so if someone was to set into him in their substance fuelled rage, he'd more than likely be able to brush it aside and bounce back.
I can't do that, simply because I don't have what he takes for granted every day.
It takes a lot of work to keep yourself going when you've come from an abusive family, essentially when we leave we're running on empty & the battery is about to die.
We leave just before they suck the last of the joy and love and happiness out of our lives, the way you'd pull away from a vampire just as they're about to suck the life out of you.
People from happy families go out into life charged up, shored up, buffered and buoyed by the support systems around them.
We start out in life drained and exhausted, struggling just to be normal after what we've come from.
Because Nons have never experienced that, they simply have no idea what we're dealing with or how exhausted we already are from dealing with a PD.
This sums up my life quite well. Thank you.
Therapy helps a lot to come to terms with that. One slightly negative side effect it has though:
So far I've seen only my father as the abusing one. Well that was very obvious even for one deep in the fog.
What I'm beginning to learn now are my mother's little cruelties like keeping on telling me how wonderful my sister was and attributing all positives to her even when they came from me. Never seeing my feelings and knowing when praising my sister would hurt me. Well, I'm still struggling with "did she do that on the purpose to hurt me or just to comfort herself?" (There were very good reasons for the latter.)
Thank you for sharing the article, PP, great read, although I can't imagine any son really doing what this example of a husband did.
Speaking of cruelties: My MIL has never appreciated any of her daughters in law (has been smearing incessantly ) and now that she is very ill all the polish of civilisation has come off and she is openly rude:
She said to me in reference to all her daughters in law: I don't know how women like this (=who are not sufficiently eager in doing home-chores) get men like that (=her invaluable sons).
My recent progress in coming Out of the FOG has luckily enabled me to not get into freeze mode and quietly rage and fume like decades before, but to detachedly note the rudeness for what it is. Big success! Now I'm working on some "rude" answer.
Hope I'm not being off topic. If yes, please excuse.