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71
Hi sjvalleygirl
Yes, I completely understand, have dealt with it 6 yrs ago when I got divorced and sorry to say it has continued all these years.   As the kids grow, your Xs tactics  will change, so don't be surprised.

  All I can say is be true to who you are, make your home a safe landing spot for your kids.   They will be manipulated and let down by your x, but you will be their stability.  Listen to them without judgement and just let them know you are there no matter what.  So in other words, just be the mom you have always been.   My x took no interest in our kids before the divorce, but just like you said, he became super dad after.   Believe me the facade wears away and your Xs true colors will shine, you don't need to do a thing.  Just believe in yourself

Kids are smart, they know when things make sense and when they don't.   Sometimes they have to play the game to survive, but realize that they know who is the genuine one, the one who loves them and will be there for them.  Good luck.  Don't give up. 
72
Good for you for sticking to your no and putting up boundaries. She's addicted to the attention -sounds like bordering Munchausen syndrome. I'm so sorry she puts your family through such hell. I would continue to work on withdrawing from the drama and being healthy for your kids.
73
Unchosen Relationships / Re: 1 year for BPD mom to live
« Last post by Motherofadarling on Yesterday at 09:54:08 PM »

Anyway - because it was a one way relationship, when I tried that one small boundary, she did nothing. That's not the way she worked. SHE was the mother. It was my job to know and meet her needs. Often she'd angrily tell me that she shouldn't even have to ASK me to know or do something - I should just know it. At the same time, she would tell me that I asked for the abuse because I didn't fight back, but when I did try to explain (JADE) she would bully, criticize, mock, taunt, shove, and rage at me. My NFoo also followed her in that NC and d&d'ed us as well. (Devalue and discard) I suppose it was due to the triangulation through out my extended NFoo family (everything went through uBPM) and also their fear of her. (Most of the NFoo was afraid to cross her because she is very caustic, offensive, and cruel.) So, I too lost my entire extended family.

At some point, I realized that if they (any of the Foo or NFoo) had every actually known me, or had ever actually loved me, they wouldn't have devalued and discarded us so easily. So -- what did I really lose? A whole bunch of people who were very used to me being their scapegoat, doormat, and chewtoy. That's not love. Also, as my children became adults, I started to see my NFoo begin to use them the same way they had always used me, and that was really the main reason I did not go crawling back after NC. I would never wish on my kids the kind of life I had. I went to so much trouble to give them unconditional love and the space to be themselves - to grow, to be independent, to be allowed to have needs. I couldn't let my NFoo undo all of that -- or even try to. So...

Funny how similar so many of our situations are. NC was really difficult at first - there are so many emotions and there's so much healing to do. It does get better. Also, it changes and gives me the space to heal my own wounds when I'm not constantly tending to the whims of cruel abusers who are also giving me new wounds each day.

Wow! This hit the nail on the head. I think that's another reason why my foo has cut me out, too. The fear of her and what she will do. I think on some level they know what she has done but for whatever reason, can't accept it.
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Unchosen Relationships / Re: 1 year for BPD mom to live
« Last post by Motherofadarling on Yesterday at 09:50:27 PM »
MoaD, you've gotten great advice from the other posters.  I agree that you're unlikely to get any closure from uBPDmom.  Her illness will be another weapon in her abuse arsenal.

My uPDfather was a bullying, pity-partying jerk until the bitter end.  I last saw him in the hospital where he was dying of a cancer that could have been treated if he'd had enough sense (and not been enabled by enMom) to get the medical care he could afford.  He was scared out of his wits, but only able to express it as anger.  I didn't get any closure out of the visit, just confirmation that he was far, far gone mentally.  I am thankful that he only lingered for a month.

enMom has gotten more waify and passive aggressive since his death.  Nsis has been sounding the FOG horn to come "help" her.  To the best of my knowledge, enMom is physically healthy but wracked with anxiety.  She refuses to go to therapy or get meds for anxiety, or even acknowledge that there's a problem.  In doing so, she "needs" others to take care of her responsibilities for her. I will not be roped into that thankless role.  Nsis and likely my extended FOO think I'm a terrible daughter, but they can go do something rude to themselves.  I'm living my life.  If Nsis and enMom learn to meet me even 1/4 of the way, I'll have more contact with them.  For now, though, I'm LC/MC.

Stick with your boundaries, MoaD.  :hug:

Thank you!! I understand, too... It's so tough. The whole family is a mess.
75
Unchosen Relationships / Re: 1 year for BPD mom to live
« Last post by Motherofadarling on Yesterday at 09:49:31 PM »
I was NC with BPDm when she passed away last year.  We were in family T (I did not attend joint sessions with BPDm) and a month before she died, the T told me she seemed frail and asked if there was anything I felt I needed to do for closure, just in case she died sooner rather than later.

I felt guilty for not being with my mom when she was not feeling well, but I also realized that I didn't need to see her again to have closure.  After feeling some pressure from the T and enDad to work towards a reconciliation and meeting with BPDm, I realized that I would need a much longer time to heal before I was ready to meet with her, and that what I really needed was NC with no timetable on it.  In a way, realizing that prepared me for her death.

If my mother had been either unconscious or was able to not be abusive/toxic, I would have wanted to be there for/with her when she died.  However, the circumstances that had led me to be NC had not changed, and she died unexpectedly in her sleep, so I don't feel guilty for not having been there.  I did feel a sense of relief when she died and even now, though I miss the times that she was kind, I am thankful that I don't have to deal with her toxic behavior ever again.

I've heard other posters say of people with PDs that they die the way they lived.  E.g. if your mother has been verbally abusive to you all her life, she'll be verbally abusive on her deathbed.  My BPD grandmother appears to be fulfilling this as well.  If your presence has given her cause to complain in the past, it's very likely going to be the same if she's dying.  To repeat another quote, "If my presence isn't helping, my absence won't hurt."

I think it's ultimately up to you -- you know if you need to say anything to your mother or see her again or not.  If you want to tell her you love her, forgive her, etc. you could write it in a nice card if you don't want to see her or talk to her.

I am in very similar circumstances. The reasons I went NC in the first place have not changed. While most of her harassment has stopped, I will never be able to trust her again. So, I guess I just gotta do what gives me peace. I'm sure I'll know what to do when it's time to do it.

Thank you!
76
"This is My Story" - Introduce Yourself Here! / Re: My Story, My Side
« Last post by Unda on Yesterday at 09:49:30 PM »
Also from me a warm welcome. And, like reclaimingme said, very well done  :applause: It's a difficult path that you're on, but, like reclaimingme described, very much worth it. Now you can start building your own life. You deserve so much more than an unhappy marriage with a person that is PA/NPD, and the next 31 years have a lot to offer to you. Again, welcome. I hope to see you on one of the boards.
77
Co-parenting and Secondary Relationships / Re: In need of help and support
« Last post by mk0503 on Yesterday at 09:40:26 PM »
Thank you so much for your encouragement!  I am going to try the calendar thing. So far I have close to two hundred pages of documents. And NONE of them have mattered to the courts!  Even one where my daughter has drawn pornography and her testimony that her dad showed it to her. The court system is so broken. I stayed 12 years!  Honestly, I would have stayed longer if I had known he would be this bad to my kids without me around. Such a sad sad situation. I am heart broken and completely exhausted. And I feel worthless as a parent. What mom can't even protect her own kids? 
78
This is a very serious situation.

Has she actually attempted to end her own life or is it only threats?  In either case, living with a personality disorder that can't be helped is no cakewalk for the sufferer.  She must be in her sixties?  Maybe it's time to let her go and make her own life and death decisions.

Perhaps one day I'll want to stop dialysis and allow myself to die in short order.  It should be my decision, I have all my gray hair, I don't need 911 or an ambulance.

Maybe she's sick of who she is and she's had enough of torture.  She's not 18... she has pretty much lived her life.
79
Wow...wonderful validation stories!  Amazing, how you hold onto the validation like it's the air that you need to breathe.

Mine came a few weeks ago during a 4-way conference...me, my attorney, my soon-to-be ex BP, and his attorney.

We were discussing the divorce and trying to settle out an agreement.  My stbx became angry so many times during the meeting...I kept quiet...observed how his lawyer became uncomfortable as he realized an explosion was about to occur, and at least three times during the two hour meeting, his attorney had to remove him from the room to try and calm him down.  I sat there thinking "thank God I don't have to do that anymore...."

At the end of the meeting, my attorney said,

"I finally see what you have been saying all these months." 

A choir of angels could not have sounded sweeter to me than those few words of validation.
80
Call 911 every time , then she'll soon stop if it's not real
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