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Common Behaviors / Re: Am I being sensitive to call it humiliation?
« Last post by Summer Sun on Today at 08:32:02 AM »
Weird.  His stuff.  Embaressing though in front of your D.  Nice undies out of the dryer... so they were clean and not ratty, what's his point other than being juvenile. 

Perhaps you could suggest he go shop for something more suitable, give him your size, and say 7 pairs. 

Still, sorry for your embaressment, and one should never feel bad for being sensitive IMO.

Dealing with PD Parents / Re: Mistake
« Last post by GirlInterrupted0913 on Today at 08:26:10 AM »
I learned early on while coming Out of the FOG that sharing thoughts about my disordered mother with ANY family member was like handing them the bullet to shoot me with.
My mother's sister (my aunt) has always proclaimed to be open minded and available if I or any of my siblings needed a safe place to lay our burdens regarding mom. It only took ONCE in my life that I took her up on her word and it immediately backfired.
I shared some rather deep and painfully emotional information with her that included experiences and instances of her neglect, selfishness and alcoholism.
The next day I got a scathing email from mother about "how dare you" !!  and what a unappreciative and ungrateful daughter I am.
Apparently my aunt called her immediately after we had talked...
I tried contacting my aunt several times after that to find out why she threw me under the bus like that after I had let myself be so vulnerable.
Voicemail every time and no return call..... ever. That was 5 yrs ago....

This journey to emotional wellness and freedom from mother's abuse has been solo for the most part
Relying only on myself through research, and learning to love myself (re-parenting) while validating my past with encouraging resources such as this forum have been more healing for me than any conversation or "share" I've ever experienced with family/friends.
Realizing how very alone we really are in this life was a hard lesson, but one now that gives me a great deal of peace because I know that I do have one person that will never betray me or abandoned me.... and that person is me.


"Also: should I tell his parents my suspicians? They see it and are subject to the behaviors also, but not as intimately as I do since they live far away."

I think this is a very difficult question; I've considered doing the same, but my SO's parents live in a different country and I haven't had an awful lot to do with them. But from our few meetings and interactions, mostly on holidays, I know that 1) They know she's a mess and that she always has been, and, importantly 2) They are very much part of her illness, not to say, the cause*. Her dad is, and has obviously always been a very emotionally troubled man and her mother is the stoic, self-sacrificing caretaker, who spent all of her energy when my SO grew up, taking care of him, leaving her un-validated and mostly alone to find emotional nourishment elsewhere. He may be a BPD too. So, no dice there for me. 

* Which came first, the hen or the egg? There's a huge discussion these days about the possible genetic differencies that may be the underlying cause of PD. It may be a genetic predispostion that is triggered by ill-treatment in early childhood. And that's my point: If the parents are the cause of the disease, you may be entering an even bigger minefield in involving them closely in something like this.
The Welcome Mat / First time to post, recently gone no contact
« Last post by NoMoreDrama on Today at 08:12:26 AM »
Just a message to introduce myself. It's been a long journey to here. A lot of therapy, a lot of depression. My mother is the big issue in my life. I suspect some form of undiagnosed personality disorder. I have no idea which one but she exhibits so many traits. I've had 36 years of gas lighting. I have been told im "not normal" or "extreme" all my life.

I had a lightbulb moment a few weeks ago. My friend was telling me something that his brother had said about their mother "she says horrible things to me, you have no idea". I realised my siblings have no idea what it's like to be me, they don't experience my mother like I do. They believe the crap she says. And they are all victims too, they just have a different experience from me.

I made a decision that this is it. That no contact is no contact this time. Unfortunately I don't think there is much I can do about my family. I have made the decision that I will just consider myself an orphan. I will miss them but I can't trust any of them while they are in her life. Everytime I have any contact with them I feel like I'm being dragged back into the black hole.

The info here and the forum has helped me hugely over the last two years. I am taking positive steps to keep my head above water. I have started doing "morning pages" again. I have decided to work though some of the "stinking thinking" ideas and unpack them gradually. I've also decided (long term) to be the opposite of my mom. For now though, I'm furiously doggie paddling, trying to keep my head above water.

Today is a good day. Thanks for listening.
Common Behaviors / Am I being sensitive to call it humiliation?
« Last post by mynewstart on Today at 08:05:47 AM »
I am second guessing myself over this and so I'd especially appreciate some feedback.

My husband has always treated my undies as if they are disgusting. Today, while looking for something of his, he pulled my nice undies out of the dryer and, in front of our young adult daughter, held them as far away from himself as he could, screwing up his face in disgust & said "Ugh!"

 Am I being touchy to think his behaviour is humiliating?

And should I say something or just ignore it?

I always end up being in the wrong if I say I don't appreciate something like this. Maybe I'm being difficult? :stars:
hey all,

in my life outside of here i teach elementary school and a family i work with is going through an acrimonious coparenting situation, where PD/ uPD may or may not be involved. 

my coworkers and i are struggling because we have been told not to communicate with stepmom at all, who is the primary pick up person on dad's weeks, and to only communicate with the parent who has their parenting time.

we don't have their schedule from FOC.  we have no clue who has the kids on any given day.

any suggestions of things you wish teachers could of done better for your kid(s) at school with HW, progress reports, good/bad behavior reports, etc in a  situation like this would be helpful.  we want to respect the court orders and communicate with the appropriate people at the right time, and to make sure that both children involved, get what they need from the situation to be stronger students as well as being supported with their emotional health.

Hi StaceyDebra,

Welcome to the site. Very sorry to hear about your H. But very happy to hear about your recent breakthrough of dawning insight. That's the first and most important step.  - We're all here for each other to the best of our abilities. Great support is to be found here from people in like situations and I think you'll find a massive recognition and positive mirroring for your current troubles.   

" .. he physically threatened me, demeaned me, denied it, threatened divorce, blamed me and others, and then 72 hours later acted as though everything was normal."

I think that before you consider confronting him further, making demands on him to seek professional help and the like, you should make sure that you are physically safe and not alone in this. That you have the back-up of close friends and family. It may at first feel shameful and wrong to reach out and tell the straight dope to those closest to you - I know I had a very hard time overcoming my vanity and pride in that matter. But you must put your own, and your kids' safety first, then consider his needs. BPDs can go very, very bad when they feel threathened. And the biggest threat to them is losing their part ego-nourisher, part victim - you.

"Here is my question: how do I get him to see that he needs counseling, that he needs help and support, that he deserves it and that something is wrong with his mental health? That he can have a happier and more satisfying existence? How long might this process take? How patient must I be?

Also: should I tell his parents my suspicians? They see it and are subject to the behaviors also, but not as intimately as I do since they live far away. "

As others have stated, also in my experience, it's very hard getting them to see that they have a complex of problems that needs professional treatment. Their disease is rooted in their very core-being; one could say I think, that they 'don't have a disease, they are the disease'. They may have a reasonable measure of raw intelligence, but their emotional maturity level  - the ability to deal with the causes, meaning and implications of their own feelings - may be that of pre-pubescent children. Getting them to the point where they realize that they have go to work on their personal emotional habitus is key to any progress, I think.


Good job!  In the end, it's up to us nons to protect our children.   I never thought in a million years I would be protecting mine from their bio father.

Separating & Divorcing / Re: Enjoying the most...
« Last post by Liftedfog on Today at 07:40:23 AM »
I wanted to add to my original post that started this thread.  I was reading on the news about a married couple, both esteemed young doctors who looked like the loving couple to the outside world.   She was found dead in a suitcase.  The husband has been charged.  She leaves behind three little children!   Anyway, it turns out he was charged years ago with assaulting her.  He was a controlling spouse.  My dear friends, way too often domestic abuse is hidden in these cases and it only comes out when one spouse has been killed at the hands of the other.    When I first read about this, media was questioning what made this loving man snap.  But I knew better.  I knew in my mind that this could not have been the first time he put his hands on her...and it was not.   What grief for these children!  What grief for the parents of this slain woman.  The statistics are true.  If he hits you will eventually happen again.  And it does escalate from name-calling, to controlling, to being spit on, to breaking things, to hitting YOU.   It happens way too often this pattern.  To every single one of you who have gotten away, be so proud of yourself and let's continue to support others in their journey to freedom.  To those who are still in limbo, visit here often.  We are here for you.  We will not judge you.  We know the painful journey you are on.  God bless always!
Non-PD Dad's Forum / Re: Put on my own mask first?
« Last post by Sick@Heart on Today at 07:35:59 AM »
Seriously? No, no meds. no therapy; she thinks I'M the problem. (I've begged her to go to counseling with me. Have told her we both need help. Always a different reason why that won't work.)
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