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Dealing with PD In-Laws / Re: NPD Inlaws and "Gifting"
« Last post by DJCleo on Yesterday at 07:22:20 PM »
I agree that the idea behind all of it is the mental illness itself. If they can't see you as a person, it explains a LOT.

I've gotten things that just don't show any understanding of who I am as a person either, and I've known my BPD MIL for YEARS. I've known her since I was in college, which is a rather long time, and it's just ridiculous that she wouldn't be able to figure out how to give a good gift.

My husband just leaves most of the gifts from her sitting in a bad somewhere since he forgets about them. He still likes that mama got him something, but he can admit that most of it is something he doesn't like. My husband does not read books or anything on hard copy, EVER. He loves looking up info on his phone, on the computer, talking to people, researching online, and about a million other ways of getting information, but he just does not read books. I don't know why she still gives him books since he has not cracked one of them open. They're not even on topics that he likes. Everything screams "this is stuff I like so I gave it to you since YOU should obviously like it too. Since you're a reflection of who I am" NOT anything like "you aren't me, I'm not you, I know who we both are and I know that we are different and I love you and respect you for who you are". NOPE.

I've gotten a cookbook where my MIL showed me the special recipes that I suppose I'm supposed to cook for my husband and his sister. Not something that she thinks  ***I*** would like. Not something that she has seen me have anything to do with. Really?  :stars:

She's also gotten me another cookbook with ingredients I can't eat. I was forced to give her the benefit of the doubt because it was during the time where I had NC with her... but my husband did have LC and he did tell her I couldn't eat "x" thing. However, it took my own parents a while to remember about the food issue since it wasn't something I grew up with, so... I let that one go. We regifted it and never told her and never will. My husband realizes that there's no reason to keep some of the items since she'll never know.

Mind you, most of these items are when we were on supposedly GREAT terms with one another. Like, I was still on a pedestal in her eyes.... but she still got me stuff that I don't wear since she really bought herself items and gave them to me. Clothing in colors I've never worn. I wear clothes in a particular set of colors usually and it's pretty easy to figure out if you pay attention.... or ask your son whose significant other it is what to get her???

I started out when I was dating my husband getting my BPD MIL and FIL some neat things that didn't break the bank, since I was still not quite financially ready for that, but showed a lot of thought and effort. The first time, they really didn't even make a big fuss and didn't give me anything that Christmas. Not that it was required or anything, but I guess I know now, not to make the mistake of thinking that just because I'm attached to my husband, that that should mean anything.  :-\ >:(

This is why this year, even though I'm getting something "personalized" from BPD MIL (pray for me!), she's getting a candle or something equally inane. I just can't try to put all that effort into something and then still get these gifts that show that there is a complete lack of caring of who I am.
I could not have said it better.
  Coyote, thank you for your kind words.
Dealing with PD In-Laws / Re: so frustrated
« Last post by Bloomie on Yesterday at 06:52:47 PM »
Quote from: xredshoesx
whatever plans he and his other sister make for xmas are based on what they want to do to establish their own traditions without either of their parents (FIL passed in 2013) and what they agree on as being convenient for us (traveling with pets) and her (trying to stay home xmas morning with two young kids).  no one will consult her with plans as she hasn't told us she's here yet and they'll just tell the youngest one who is currently the GC the plans a day or two before.

How wise to begin to establish traditions around these loving sibling relationships and all of your wishes instead of around your mil. BRAVO!!!
Dealing with PD In-Laws / Re: so frustrated
« Last post by xredshoesx on Yesterday at 06:47:36 PM »
i suggested this plan to my husband based on all the support and suggestions we've shared with one another throughout the years i've been participating here, so basically each and every one of you that reads this or who has posted here has helped me think this through and for that i thank you from the bottom of my heart.

i suggested that he and his siblings ignore here.  why should they acknowledge that she's here if she continues to not make contact with anyone but the youngest sister, which will counteract the attempt to triangulate them against one another.

whatever plans he and his other sister make for xmas are based on what they want to do to establish their own traditions without either of their parents (FIL passed in 2013) and what they agree on as being convenient for us (traveling with pets) and her (trying to stay home xmas morning with two young kids).  no one will consult her with plans as she hasn't told us she's here yet and they'll just tell the youngest one who is currently the GC the plans a day or two before.

Agree with others that both parents should be allowed to attend unless there is RO. Sorry you missed this and hope by Springtime you will have a better handle on this co/ parallel parenting stuff. It can take some time to figure out what will work in each situation.
Have you worked out your Christmas Eve/Christmas and New years schedules yet?
Separating & Divorcing / Re: I think I am being
« Last post by Latchkey on Yesterday at 06:29:54 PM »
I know this is hard, but the truth is, once you are in this back and forth, blame yourself, fear, cycle on cycle... confusion, chaos.... chances are usually strong you are dealing with a PD. I've come to recognize this feeling alone as  a sign that something is wrong with the relationship even when the other person appears to have changed or is not a PD on the surface.

 :bighug: :cheer: :bighug: :cheer:
Separating & Divorcing / Re: The Control
« Last post by maymay22 on Yesterday at 06:17:31 PM »
Yep. My NPDh did the same. bought me the apple watch which is synched to my phone.  However, mine is the old version where it has to be within so many feet of my phone for it to pick up texts, etc.  I also have On-Star. He has the app on his phone. So even if I were to forget my phone, he would be able to see where my car is.  It's pretty suffocating to say the least. I'm pretty sure I had more freedom at age 16 than I do, now.

I also wanted to point out that messages deleted from your phone are probably not deleted from your watch.  Idk if my NPDh knows that though. He has the same watch and that's how I read all of his deleted messages.  Lol

If I were you, I would ask him to return the watch. You don't want any gifts that come with "conditions".

Going No Contact with a PD Parent / Hope for the Holidays
« Last post by pickingupthepieces on Yesterday at 06:10:28 PM »
Hi gang,

This is my 4th holiday season since beginning my journey ootf. The beginning was full of stumbles and setbacks and uncertainty. It's my third true NC season. This year I have reveled in the holidays with utter joy- all of it- the decor, the carols, the films, the cards, shopping for loved ones- every single bit.

Today I was at the shops picking up the last of the gifts. I paused for a moment to listen to a children's choir, and suddenly became very emotional. I realized that this year was the happiest holiday season of my entire life and I couldn't believe I made it to that feeling.

Don't get me wrong, people. It's not all sunshine and rainbows. NC will always have a tinge of bittersweet. And all of you know as I that there are not many things on this earth worse than the damage that comes with a PD parent. There are still dark moments where I wonder if pretending that dysfunction is normal wasn't an easier way to live. There are still moments when I question if I deserve the peace and happiness I have found. But those moments don't last that long anymore. This week I had yet another realization, this one involving the holidays. I remembered that my NM and EnF had me spend hours on a gift list every year. They never bought a single thing on it. What they wanted to buy for me was more important. But here's the thing- it made me laugh out loud. And I am just as likely to be amused as to be angered and saddened these days.

As I drove home, I thought about who I wanted to share this with and I realized that it was all of you! To those of you who are just getting started, don't get discouraged. Keep working on yourself and facing those hard truths. It is possible to have a holiday without tantrums, screaming and drama. It is possible to have the holiday season you have deserved for your entire life. And when you get there, it will be worth it. When you get down and need help, reach out to the people who are healthy for your emotional state, be it your T, your spouse, your friends, your pets, doesn't matter. When you get lost, practice self-care- meditate, go for a walk, get a pedicure, have a bubble bath or cup of tea- whatever floats your boat. Sometimes, NC requires that you just keep on keeping on until you have another breakthrough.

I wish all of you peace and joy for the rest of this year and beyond. Remember, you deserve it!


Separating & Divorcing / Re: The Control
« Last post by Whiteheron on Yesterday at 05:56:30 PM »
Wear your smartwatch all the time - tell him you want to track your steps or something. Also, change the password (unless that will set him off). He can't check if he has no access. Or you can unpair it with your phone (but then it's basically just a watch at that point).

Yes, he is snooping into your phone via your watch. stbx strongly encouraged me to get a smartwatch when my fitbit died. He offered to set it up for me. I told him no thanks, because he would have done the exact same thing as yours did.

As for the car - take it into the dealer and have them check for tracking devices. I did this. I felt very paranoid and awkward asking them to check, but it was worth it. Or if it's a car with the built-in system, ask the dealer how to shut it off or change access.
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