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Common Behaviors / Re: Attention Seeking Neighbor
« Last post by Dufresne on Today at 05:39:12 PM »
Good grief, you're surrounded  :no:
Separating & Divorcing / Re: Head is Spinning
« Last post by OpenHeart on Today at 05:39:02 PM »
SS, could he have a second phone of his own that isn't on your account? 
Common Behaviors / Re: Power and criticism
« Last post by Dufresne on Today at 05:38:09 PM »
Just another method to keep you off balance, and unsure of yourself. Do not believe the hype.
Common Behaviors / Re: Never ever apologize or admit fault
« Last post by Dufresne on Today at 05:36:55 PM »
I've received many qualified apologies (also known as the non-apology) - e.g. "I'm sorry, but if you would just x,y, or z .... then (insert shitty behavior here) would not have happened...." I've come to believe that they're never truly sorry for hurting another. They might feel badly to the extent that their target finally losing their cool negatively affects them. A genuine apology is the behavioral equivalent of a folk legend when dealing with pwPD.... For my own part, I have apologized so many times over the years simply because I was under the misguided hope that it would help ease the tension, or because I valued the relationship more than my own ego, not necessarily because I was in the wrong. As part of setting boundaries, I do not, will not apologize unless I am righteously in the wrong and/or feel truly sorry for something. If you get into the cycle of apologizing to someone who can never be pleased, and likes to move the goal posts then the apologies can be weaponized against you. It can become another irritating double-bind situation.
Separating & Divorcing / Re: 12 Stages of Leaving a PD
« Last post by sweetsummer on Today at 05:33:11 PM »
Im at stage 9. Nice documentation. It seems very accurate. Im not done with the process yet so I'll let you know when I ge tot stage 12..Lol :) Thank you for the assurance that things will be ok.
Separating & Divorcing / Re: Still abusing me even after the breakup
« Last post by findjoy81 on Today at 05:22:07 PM »
whitefox...I hope you can find the strength to go back to NC.  Everything I've seen says that's really the only way.  Do you guys have kids or anything else that makes you be forced to communicate?  If not, NC is for your safety and sanity.  I agree with Leif....keep yourself busy. 

And Leif...if you're reading this - I took apart my lawnmower this weekend and got it cleaned up and back together - still doesn't work!  >:( But I did feel pretty proud of myself! :tongue2:
Unchosen Relationships / Re: Her "Apology"
« Last post by kayjewel on Today at 05:15:51 PM »
You know, she didn't really give you an apology. She said "I have to apologize to you", which was a true statement. She did need to apologize. But she didn't actually apologize. She didn't say, "I am sorry for doing X, Y and Z. I won't do it again."

Faux apologies = hoovers.
cottonanx - My uNPDmother had early onset Alzheimer's and I can say that personality changes, increased anxiety and fear, and cognitive decline that are sudden in nature may very well be some type of dementia setting in, or could be due to treatable physiological changes, a major depressive episode, urinary tract infections etc., and if you suspect something serious is going on with your mother it would not hurt to encourage her to have a complete physical exam including blood work and depending on your relationship potentially be there with her when she does.

Some things to keep in mind is that signs of dementia are myriad. So, for example is she able to pay her bills and calculate her balance in her checkbook timely and accurately? What does her handwriting look like? Any changes there? Has there also been a sudden change in her personal hygiene? Wearing the same clothes over and over again? Complaining that someone is stealing her things? Jewelry, important papers, items she may actually be misplacing? What about driving? Is she suddenly avoiding activities or gatherings that she used to enjoy? Is she able to plan meals, shop, carry out activities to care for herself? Just some things to think about and observe.

In my mother's case, her personality had always been HIGH CONFLICT and difficult! She could be as mean as a snake, rigid, deceitful, and unforgiving. As the disease progressed her personality changed quite a bit and was really docile and even sweet at times. She was abusive toward my father still, but was someone very different with me then I ever had known her to be. It was a bittersweet time as it is heartbreaking and a horrible disease and the dysfunction in my FOO was out of control during those years, but my mother was actually easier to be with than she had ever been in her life. 

For everyone's sake, I hope whatever is happening with your mom is treatable and straightforward. I wouldn't wish dementia on anyone.
A year ago I told my uPDm that I needed some space, and that only I will know how long I need. It's permanent, but I didn't tell her that. She can be in pain waiting. I just don't care.


But separating out dementia vs. narcissism in an elderly person is tricky and treacherous for a FOO member who is a non.  This topic and other similar ones on this board and others (like the agingcare board) have lots of warnings for well-meaning family members. 

It is sadly not uncommon for the person trying to help to get not only sucked deep into the vortex of the disordered person, but to also get accused or in legal trouble in the process.  At the first sign of trouble, the elder might play the ‘elder abuse’ card, and that’s a charge the law takes very seriously.


This is an eye-opener. I had no idea I could be getting myself into hot water by taking care of my PDm. I'm glad I backed off. It's scary.
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