reward her good behavior with doing things for her or spending time with her
this is called enmeshment. Good behavior is rewarded with ... Nothing ... Because good behavior is just supposed to be, period.
Bad behavior results in repeat of stated boundaries. Good behavior results in keeping boundaries. Boundaries aren't movable any more than the property lines around your house. This is why I was asking about operant conditioning. I see rewarding good behavior with increased contact as re-enmeshing.
Can we choke Mr Sweet P? Where's the group choke emoji?
"No I don't understand, YOU have a baby on the way, YOU have ton of stuff here to get done before, etc" Its not about choosing between you and mil, it's about choosing to handle his responsibilities at his own home. If he took care of his own stuff at home first I'm sure there's little time left over for mommy.
WI you always have good boundary advice. it is hard core, but it might be necessary. my only fear with the boundaries you've outlined is feeling like i was manipulating him into doing what i want. i REALLY want him to come to the answer on his own so he can't blame anything on me. can i really deny her access to my baby?
Yes you can. And BTW, this is *almost* perfectly describes where DH was with me prior to my OOTF enlightenment. Only when I got the full and total pile of engulfed foo poo on top of me did I nearly suffocate to death. DH let me vent but just shrugged - he didn't really realize what he was doing now that we talk about it, but he was pretty much just speechless and had absolutely nothing to contribute as far as advice.
ETA - I just finished reading all the posts and realize you replied to his email and he replied back. However, it's still not about him choosing between you and his mommy in my mind because he will absolutely choose you *if* you say something to him. He's demonstrated that choice before. It's seems more about you being put in the position of pointing out the fact, bringing things to his attention, and making him choose.
The only thing I can think of from my own history is you as an individual setting boundaries for you and your child, and as a couple setting expectations between you and DH. My own DH did this with me on many occasions, and yes it may be viewed as controlling buy some but it worked for us.
For example, we as a couple agreed our disagreements or imperfections be kept between the two of us not shared with anyone in our families.
Another example was, since we are in contact, if my mum was in attendance at a gathering, what he said goes and I was not to take her side if there was a disagreement between the two of them. She had actually manipulated and pitted me against him regarding his preferences behind his back coming to me to get permission to something he had already said no to - it's like dealing with a child pitting mum against dad and getting her way. The rule was his house his rules and if she asked anything I was to tell her see DH.
I'm telling you from experience hard core is probably your best bet right now. Unemotional. Matter of fact. BTW this is how it is. sorry if I got a bit carried away - post longer than I realized and perhaps seeing so much of myself in your DH I soooo feel for you!