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Chosen Relationships / Re: should I give my husband a second chance?
« Last post by IAmReady on Today at 09:41:37 AM »
If your husband had a conscience, or any sense of empathy, or any ability to truly understand his actions and their consequences, he would not be now begging you for another chance and promising the moon. If a sane, good person, for whatever reason, behaved as he did, and was forced to move out by the police, that person would feel incredible guilt and would know instinctively that the relationship was over, and would want to give you a lot of space. They might try to say they were so sorry for what they did, and you would FEEL their sincerity, their shame and regret. You would see how deeply affected they were by what had happened, and would easily be able to observe their sadness and mortification.

Your husband doesn't feel any of these things. His apologies are completely hollow and meaningless. He's not concerned about you. He's just saying what he thinks he needs to say in order to get back into his home, in his rightful place, and to stop the gossip and conjecture of his family and community. He's in the losing position right now, and he will say anything to put himself back in the king's throne, where he belongs, with you his humble inferior.

Don't fall for it. Once he's back, he will make it his business to make you pay for embarrassing and exposing him. He doesn't have a conscience, remember, and can't empathize with you, so he isn't going to care what you have suffered. He doesn't have any sense of guilt nagging at him (like a normal person would. Imagine how unbelievably bad and ashamed YOU would feel if you punched him in the face and pulled a knife on him, for no good reason, and he was so scared he called the police).

He only cares about the mess you caused by getting the police and courts involved, and for exposing him in front of his family. He will have his revenge on you. Don't let him. Your life may be at stake.
Dealing with PD Elderly Family Members / Re: It is a never ending cycle
« Last post by MLR on Today at 09:34:05 AM »
Tech support with the elderly is a recipe for insanity.

I do have to say I bought one gadget for my dad that has helped.

Google Amazon Echo.  It's a voice activated Internet device.  Dad uses it to-

What is the date
What time is it
Today's weather
Tomorrow's weather
Extended weather (7 day forcast)

Add milk to shopping list (shopping list Is on my phone and I use it when I go shopping)

How are the MLB Team doing (will say score of last game, when where and who they are playing next.  If they are playing at the moment will give score and what inning)

Next event (will tell him date time of next Dr's appt)

If I didn't have the echo he would ask me all these questions 3 to 5 times a day and I would get very upset.
The Welcome Mat / Re: new and grateful to this site
« Last post by coyote on Today at 09:29:12 AM »
Redundant knight,
I totally understand your situation. I love my uPPDw but it can be a handful sometimes. On the baiting idea that can be a tough one but not impossible. You have to learn how to set effective boundaries for yourself. This is all in the toolbox as well as there are some excellent threads on the forum about boundaries, what they are, and how to set and enforce them.

Other tools such as the 3Cs, not JADEing, avoiding circular conversations, Medium Chill, are also useful. In my situations setting good boundaries has brought all the other tools together.

As I've said before my relationship with my uPPDw is not perfect and while so much better since I've worked on myself, can still be frustrating at times. That is when I come here for support and reminders on how I need to respond, (or not as the case is sometimes).

I hope you find this place as useful as I have. Once again welcome and stay strong.
An expert spoke on a PBS special on eldercare and he said something that filled me with horror.

"The #1 thing that will keep you out of a nursing home, #2 thing doesn't even come close to effectiveness is,


I call it Familial/Domestic  Human Trafficing.   I've been living with my parents for 12 years doing eldercare the entire time.   The best way to avoid my situation is to NEVER get involved in the first place.  Once you get sucked in its extremely hard to get out.
The Welcome Mat / Re: Helpless
« Last post by coyote on Today at 09:18:26 AM »
Has he attempted any self harm in the past? Do you see him as a suicide risk now? If so you can take him the local Emergency Room and they can do an emergency detention to a psychiatric hospital. This way his meds can be evaluated and adjusted as needed while in a safe environment.

If you think he cannot be safely transported then you can call 911 and the Sherriff's Dept. will take him to the ER.
Chosen Relationships / Re: should I give my husband a second chance?
« Last post by hhaw on Today at 09:09:09 AM »
Every time I read the heading on this thread I think.....

Second chance?  This OP gifted her husband so many chances, THIS is not the first time she's been given reason to reflect on the state of her marriage, and what's in her best interest.   The PD has escalated during the marriage.  I don't see that trend reversing under any circumstances, IME.

I don't think it's common no, however with PD parents for sure, the likehood drastically increases.

I developped various phobias and panic attacks over the years from early childhood even in late teenagehood, and guess what? they started to reverse when i moved out, thanks to self-help, partner and safer environment overall.
Some were 'debilitating' almost housebounding me in some cases :blink:. So my partner made sure there was a safety net in most situations and when not, to never dismiss my anxiety/panic, to stay with me and help me out into a solution or bear it.

The most uncomfortable (plural) disappeared. And it's very obvious now of why I started experiencing them... Still working on less obvious ones, and start to act -as if - so i can become one day confident and so on...

This translates in a double me, for example i consider myself as deeply shy but people often say it's a facade, that I'm nothing like shy (and if you ask my very young inner child indeed i was not shy at all , my M used to be scared anyone would take me so easily i was making contact with complete strangers) and some actually told me they never saw this shy part  :blink:... then sometimes when i have to go out shopping or ask an information, I'm literally melting away and trying to become invisible :ninja:

I guess it might just take some time to fully dissolve but it lately gets much better and faster since I went NC.
Best vibes
Separating & Divorcing / Re: Bargaining
« Last post by Kit99 on Today at 08:35:20 AM »
Thanks for the recommended read, chocolate raspberry. I'll check it out! I've read so many books and articles about PDs to try to wrap my mind around the situation I find myself in. Truthfully, despite everything I've read, I am still very confused. My son's psych keeps telling me not to try to use logic to understand illogical people, and that's great advice... I just wish I could follow it! I have a bad habit of seeking to understand.
Dealing with PD In-Laws / Re: Curious about NPD's and photos
« Last post by arielunderwater on Today at 08:35:08 AM »
Depends on if your talking about people ages 12-30 I use to take loads of "selfies" because of MySpace, then Facebook, but I had a kid early (at 21) so it faded somewhat. Before her father and I decided to be a family, I spent more one on one time with her and we'd take selfies together, at the mall. Or dressed in the same outfit. (We can both shop in the kids department because I'm irritatingly short) I was trying to be both mom dad and best friend. But now I mostly just takjtakje pictures of them, or just my daughter. I do have a friend who takes pictures and selfies with her kindergartener all the time. Her kid can even take them herself! I really think its a generational thing. For normal people even it gives the facade of a perfect life, or your best side. It is a NPD quality though.
Common Behaviors / Re: Narcs and their "advice"...
« Last post by Inurdreams on Today at 08:25:46 AM »
..the voices of the advice I can hear without her physically being there:

"well, I would..."
"well, don't you think..." (she is now trying to tell me how to think)
"well, I'm just trying to make it easier on you and you just don't appreciate anything I do" (walks off with pout and martyr hand wringing)
"well, how are you really?" (ie: wants negative info to share, since I'm pretty much NC when I can pull it off she never gets fed with information/ammo)

The list could go on, they do think they know what is better than/for everyone including God.

Ain't that the truth!  When my NGM died I said to DH, "Guess she's gonna be there telling God how to runs things from now on."
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