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71
Chosen Relationships / Re: I've been a fool for him for too long
« Last post by solospaghetti on Today at 07:05:01 AM »
I think, just to be on the safe side, you should take his threats seriously. Get the locks changed at your place, inform your friends and family about his threats (and the threats made to them), and let your local police know, even if you don't take it to a formal complaint. That way, if the DOES show up (and I'm really hoping he doesn't), you've already got your ducks in a row. Just because someone threatens you doesn't mean they are going to get what they want, but threats have worked on you in the past, so he's not going to like it when you ignore him.

You never went full NC with him during your split, so there's a chance that when he realises it's for real this time, he could behave very badly and follow through on his threats. He's threatening those things because he's thinking about doing them. It may not take much for "thinking" to "doing". So protect yourself.
72
Chosen Relationships / Re: I've been a fool for him for too long
« Last post by Oneness on Today at 07:04:35 AM »
Continue to be strong, I know how hard it is. If you are ready to break the cycle, NC is the only way. I know he is not used to NC from you, as you never had it with him before...but if he can't get any Narc supply from you, I hope he moves on soon for your own peace, and gives you time to heal.
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Nostro,   the m&m story left me with a pit in my. stomach.   I cannot. tell you how alarmingly  hateful and cruel that. is.  He treated you like you were an animal. He will reward you with a treat if you respond  correctly. But the deep, dark. insidious part is, he asked you a question of. preference, so really, there is no correct answer. if the question was who is the president? that can be answered correctly or incorrectly. but do you want to ride with us when I drive your friend home? he was going to reward you if he agreed with your preference. This is so disturbing to me....dark, evil.  This serves to strip you of any notion that your feelings are valid or valued. so not only are you worried about being correct or getting it right, you are now even unsure that what you feel or prefer is valid. This is true crazy making behavior.   The bridge story, he should have served time for doing that. That is evil, criminal behavior. There are a few things I remember about my father that were of a disturbing nature. When I was small, maybe 6 years old, he would tell me to hold out my hand. He then would squeeze my fingers as hard as he could and he would be telling me to relax my hand. by relaxing my hand it wouldn't hurt,  so he would squeeze the life out of my fingers until I stopped crying.  I have no idea why he did such a. thing.   I hate my father. He died 23 years ago and I never think about him. No forgiveness for him. None.
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Welcome and thanks for sharing your story, it is heartbreaking and tragic to see loved ones unravel as you see happening to your daughter.

You mention briefly suspecting personality disorder and I just want to be sure this forum is a good fit to get you the support you seek. The problems your daughter is having are serious and terrible but don't necessarily in and of themselves indicate personality disorder. Is there something in particular that lead you here? Are you seeking therapy or diagnosis from a professional so she can receive targeted help?

You are, of course, welcome to read and post and hope you find something relevant. I sure hope you both get the support you need in real life and online. We need all the help we can get these days for sure.
75

 Every now and then, just to amuse ourselves, we send an unsolicited text of kindness. Example: bad weather the other day, and he texted her and told her to be careful out there and to consider dropping by Les Schwab to get some chains for her tires. Cracked ourselves up. (you told her to get chains for her tires?!?!?! we live in a climate where there is snow like once every ten years). Example 2: We got back from a trip, and he texted to let her know we had landed safely and said he would text her once we were home. (I was like, you said what?!!? and we started cracking up). She replied, "You don't need to text back." Ok, sounds a little evil and antagonistic, but it's not very often, she doesn't receive it as antagonizing... and dealing with a BPD is hard! You have to have a sense of humor about it!

A note of caution about that, be very careful. PD's are masters at playing games. While I know we all have those moments when we just want to poke at them, because of all the things they have done to us realize that she is living every waking moment of her life looking for angle to get back at him. I've had those moments where --with righteous indignation --I approached my ex-husband with something with the sole intention of demanding my respect. it completely blew up in my face. Because trust me he'll never forget it, and use that as an indication that I AM the problem.

You never get even with these people.

The best you can do is protect yourself, go on with your life, model good parenting for your stepdaughter, and leave her alone.


Best to you!!!!
76
Parenting / Re: is there no hope of changing a person with PD
« Last post by sdsmith on Today at 06:24:09 AM »
I have experienced 2 relatives with PD traits being able to change and eventually able to live a pretty normal life.

I have experienced an in-law with PD traits who hasn't changed that much but is making what appears to be some progress.

And, I have had 1 PD relative who did not change, but the situation was improved by me learning how to interact with him differently.

I believe there is hope.

 
 
77
Parenting / Re: daughter in porn/porn culture/ escort
« Last post by worried 4 her on Today at 05:59:03 AM »
Hi smokeyluv,

I just posted a long introduction in the introduction thread, so it's there if you are interested in the details of my and my daughter's story. I discovered about mid-November that my 14 year-old daughter was prostituting herself, and had even brought a few of her "clients" to OUR HOUSE (!). It sounds like your daughter is older and has been through a lot more counseling, etc than my daughter has. But I just wanted to let you know you are not alone in this. I found out what she was doing within about 3 weeks of her starting, and put a stop to it immediately -- she was also doing drugs and cutting, so she ended up in the hospital and a residential facility for about a month. Right now I don't think she is continuing, but she is clever and could just be great at hiding it from me. It's exhausting, and I understand your feelings of both loss and relief. It is a shocking and upsetting thing. No way around it.
78
I am a newbie here, and really need support right now.

This past year has been hell -- it started in late January 2014 with my daughter's suicide attempt, and since then, this past year she has been hospitalized 4 times. In the course of one year much has been revealed, but also I am also at this point questioning a lot of what she has said (or implied). Before this year, she was (or at least appeared to be) a healthy, cheerful girl with good grades, lots of friends, involved in many activities in school, well-liked and talented. I believed that she and I had a good relationship, and she also had a close and wonderful relationship with her father. I was the breadwinner, supporting them both, which meant that I was away a lot of the time, but I was usually home every evening except for the times when I had to travel (occasional weekends or long weekends and sometimes for weeks in the summer), and when I was here we seemed a happy family unit. I always prided myself that he was a great dad -- so that even though my relationship with him deteriorated over the 28 years we were together, it seemed I had chosen a good guy to be a father at least. She seemed okay overall, except that she has suffered from anxiety since she was little -- maybe since she was 5 or so. So many nights I held her while she cried but was unable or unwilling to explain what was going on and why she was upset.

In March 2013, I left my husband and our divorce was finalized this past summer -- he is a narcissist who was making me miserable with the complete lack of intimacy (it was like we were roommates rather than partners, although we managed the home and raising our daughter amicably enough) -- but there was no violence or physical abuse. He is a depressed man who cannot love another, I believe (although he seems devoted to our daughter), and I knew he would never nourish me the way an intimate partnership should be nourishing. It was an amicable breakup, and from when I left in March 2013 until March 2014 my daughter was going back and forth between our 2 homes. That seemed to be going okay -- she didn't seem to have a whole lot of trouble adjusting to the separation. She seemed mostly concerned about having to move her stuff between the 2 houses. At least that is what she talked about when I discussed the situation with her. 

But this past year I have felt blindsided -- the suicide attempt, then learning she is bulimic, and a cutter. Then she accused my ex of years of sexual and physical abuse (although she told a counselor, not me). I NEVER saw any evidence of this -- if I had thought for a minute that something was going on, I would have removed both she and myself from that house. I would have been relieved to have a reason to leave -- I stayed for too long to try and hold things together, in large part because of her. DCFS investigated, but closed the case due to its being "unfounded" (i.e. not enough evidence to bring a case). Of course, my ex denies it and has said she has borderline personality disorder (the symptoms of which actually describe him as much as her). I came to believe her at one point, and told her I believe her (mostly because it explains a lot -- like her anxiety attacks, her inability to explain why she was anxious, and her acting out behavior). She refuses to see him at all, and he has not pushed the issue.

In the past three months I have learned that she was doing drugs -- smoking weed almost daily (!) but not in our house, and occasionally tripping on cough syrup -- and then most recently, shoplifting and prostituting herself. It is hard for me to believe that I didn't learn about these things sooner -- how could I have been so blind? But honestly, she put up a good facade. After the suicide attempt and a lot of chaos and drama last Spring, she SEEMED to be doing okay and seemed relatively happy, even at the beginning of this school year. And I am not an "absent" parent. I am here with her every day (I have had to cut back significantly on my work travel, since I am now a single mom). And she has been in counseling. So each revelation has been a surprise, although at this point not much can surprise me anymore. As soon as I learned about the prostitution, I called the police and they conducted a sting investigation -- now there are 3 of my daughter's "clients" on trial for soliciting prostitution, and in one case, a charge of prostitution with a minor. This was one of a few guys she brought to OUR HOUSE (!) -- and this in a year when I have had a sabbatical from work and have not been away from home more than a few hours at a time. Luckily, she was only able to prostitute herself for about 3 weeks before I found out. I know this from looking at her email, where I found her original craiglist ad (!) and hundreds of responses from potential "clients."

I also have learned that she is a pathological liar, mostly by monitoring her Facebook chats (which I started after the suicide attempt, although I am still reluctant to do this and don't do it that often). In these chats, she has been telling her close friend complete falsehoods about me -- that I hit her or abuse her, that I drink, that I encourage my boyfriend to beat her and throw her in her room (!), that I make comments about how fat she is -- none of this is true. And she has lied about all sorts of things, many of which are trivial (like whether or not she had made her lunch for the next day, or met her teacher in the morning like she was supposed to, etc), but many of which are dangerous, like the stuff about me and my boyfriend, who is a sweetheart. Because he and I got together shortly before she started having these issues, we have a policy that she and he are never alone together. He stays with us a few nights of the week, but does not live here. He is also not a US citizen, and I did not want to jeopardize his ability to stay here and finish his graduate studies -- because from the start of these troubles, it has been hard to believe her story. And especially now that I know she lies regularly. And this pathological lying throws her entire story into doubt. Right now I am really unsure what to believe, although I don't tell her that, because I have been told that in order to heal, she needs an adult caregiver who believes her.

In the past few months, we have had a lot of drama around her hospitalizations and her extreme anger at me -- for "sending her away" and for not knowing about the abuse. For about one week she was throwing SCREAMING temper tantrums, lying on the floor in a fetal position, etc. She hit me twice. I am learning how to set better boundaries, be clearer and firmer about my expectations, and have been much more cautious about her electronics usage (she just recently got a phone again after I gave the police her old one for their investigation -- but she has never and will not have a smart phone -- and I am still withholding her computer and limiting her iPod use). She has been in counseling now for more than a year, but she is still not forthcoming about very much, and goes because she has to, not because she wants to.

Right now I am not sure how to handle the lying, which seems the most problematic aspect of the situation currently, because it could jeopardize my custody of her. But also because she is saying terrible things about me and my boyfriend. She is working to pull up her grades, which have slipped significantly in the past year, and she seems to be making an honest effort. She seems to have stopped the drug use (fingers crossed, no evidence, and I have been vigilant). And in the past few weeks the drama has subsided enough that it almost feels like the situation is getting back to "normal." But I know this is a situation that will need years of work.

I try to celebrate the small victories -- like her finishing up her incomplete classes from last semester (when she was hospitalized for drug abuse and cutting and the prostitution), and the fact that the drama has subsided significantly after I learned how to set better boundaries for what I was willing to put up with. But I still feel trapped and absorbed by all of this.

I haven't yet read too much of this forum, so I look forward to hearing about how others have dealt with situations like this, and I am grateful to have found this outlet. I have good friends and a supportive family, but even so I have felt rather isolated. I would appreciate any advice. anything. Overall, I am exhausted and discouraged.
79
Parenting / Re: Doing all the right things without any changes
« Last post by sdsmith on Today at 05:07:40 AM »
Do you and his father really think him living with his BPD mom is what is best for him? It might be. Not saying it's not what's best. I don't know what's best. All I know is that it's very difficult for someone to get healthy when they are living in an unhealthy environment. Based on my experience, I don't think 6 months is enough time for a real change to occur.

My cousin had an anger management problem, blamed others for his problems, was very unhappy, and didn't seem to have much desire to change. His aunt decided to take him into her home after his mother pressed charges after one of his violent outbursts. It took about 2 years of being in a healthy and loving environment for him to make real progress.

Of course I don't know if that would happen in your stepson's case ... sounds like your stepson's issues are more severe and everyone is different, but I just wanted to throw out there that it can take a long time for someone to change. I totally understand, though, that the situation must be very frustrating for you and it does sound like you have been trying a lot to help him. He's lucky that he has some people looking out for his safety and emotional well-being.
80
Unchosen Relationships / Re: Help with old triggers
« Last post by findingmyhome on Today at 04:18:26 AM »
I totally understand how certain things, like dishes in the sink or a laundry basket just sitting there in the way can drive you bananas.  Is there any way DH can take MIL out sometime when you're home (to the grocery store/drugstore/hair salon etc.), and you took that hour or so to deal with the things that are grating at you like nails on chalkboard?
:yeahthat:
I was thinking along the same lines.  Getting it done while she is gone, asleep, or otherwise distracted.   I get up early so most likely I would have time before she got up to tidy things.
Good luck....
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