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Common Behaviors / Can I be a mild borderline?
« Last post by tea-lady on Yesterday at 09:54:53 PM »
        I just did a 20 ? question online borderline personality test. I'm curious who makes up the questions for this test?

Why does feeling empty become one of the questions and boredom too. I feel extremely bored even though I have plenty in front of me to do.
Its likely I could be, can you have it on a low level? I feel emotions strongly but I'm not explosive outwardly. I can feel like a zombie with nothing inside of me and can be paralysing. When applying mascara to eyes I feel my hand is not my hand but someone else's.

I have strong fear of my own family unit not being close as my own family of origin is destroyed by narcs and substance abuse.

I also know how disposable I  could be given that I am a new grandmother 1st time and to not impose my thoughts; on a being a new mum to a baby. I am respectful of it too as my own mother told me I was inadequate as a mother to my babies.

I am very diligent in being a good mother to my grown kids and being a good grandmother, even though I wouldn't do things the way they do them. Am I acting out of fear, or respect. I think both.

My oldest son 24, I love him very dearly has a girlfriend that wants nothing to do with us. So when my son does not need to be at home 1 or 2 times a week, will i see him again and will his future babies have a grandmother in me.

 Just typing this makes me cry. I'm confused as to whether I have it because I internalise it and I dont think that can be part of it.
Chosen Relationships / not sure what to even call this one!
« Last post by finally-free on Yesterday at 09:51:35 PM »
So here's the situation
exNPDh would start a really nasty fight, usually out of freaking nowhere. He would say I'm not woman enough for him that I'm suppressing his sexuality, because I absolutely refused to go to any porn shops with him, he basically wanted me to be a prostitute. He would make fun of my family, talk about having sex with my mother and brothers, and just cut me down for hours. By the end of his tirade I am completely drained, I barely crawl into bed, and within minutes he's trying to have sex with me, he honestly expects me to forget everything he has just said to me, sometimes he'll wait until the next morning, and when I would try to remind him of all the hurtful things he said, he puts the blame on me as if I did something horrible and he had every right to hurt me!!!
And I'm supposed to forget, most times I let him have his way, it was easier than him getting mad again
Why did he have to do that to begin with???
I'm not sure if I'm in the right place with this website -- I've been having circular arguments with my partner for most of our marriage (8 years of mostly unnecessary drama), and with a bit of training in Psychiatry, I have always wondered if my partner has a personality disorder... or whether I do. At least that is certainly what she will have me believe. So I'm really not sure.

Honestly, I've come to your forum as a place to vent anonymously. I literally googled "anonymous marriage counselling forums", and happened upon your site. Like most marriages, mine has had it's ups and downs. But the last 2 1/2 years have been mostly down -- and this is despite the greatest joy in my life, our daughter, being born 2 1/2 years ago. This was my partner's first pregnancy, and she has literally been at war with the world since the birth of our daughter. She is extremely sensitive, and quick to react in a very black and white fashion. Our fights often start with something I've done, followed by her silent treatment of me, followed by me trying to apologize or make amends unsuccessfully during her "leave me alone" period, followed by me getting frustrated and spurting off something that sets her off all over again. Time usually resolves our conflict, or me apologizing. In the last 2 years, I've felt so beaten down by this process, I don't apologize as much, and I'm quicker to call her out on her faults. All leading to more fighting....

In the course of 2 1/2 years, she has managed to nearly shut out my parents from our lives for not being "grand-parenty" enough (if that's a word) -- thankfully I was able to navigate that situation and my parents have been wonderful and have tried very hard to meet her expectations; she has shut out her only brother and his wife and three children --- rightfully upset over their religious convictions surrounding our same-sex marriage, but despite their efforts in reconciling for the sake of family; she shut out her own parents for about 5 or 6 months earlier this spring and periodically for days at a time since; and she has shut out my only sister and her husband because she thinks my sister is selfish and manipulative (which she may be, but it's not a reason in my mind).

I'll tell the story that I think has me battling my own conscience every day, deciding if I can still be with someone like my partner...

My sister and her husband announced a pregnancy last June. Shortly thereafter, at about 6 or 8 weeks, my sister miscarried... As it turned out, it wasn't a true pregnancy, but a molar pregnancy, and even worse, a neoplastic type which required chemotherapy for a couple months, followed by one year minimum before trying to conceive again. My sister is already 35. She was devastated -- for 8 wks, she imagined the pregnancy, the baby to be, and when she found out it wasn't true plus the chemo and waiting, she was broken.

My sister and brother-in-law visited us across the country shortly after she finished chemo. They hadn't seen our daughter since their wedding a year and a half before. I thought it was a good visit, but soon after they went home, my partner was enraged at my sister for posting a satirical article on Facebook about her city, which poked fun at the mayor of OUR city. She immediately publicly shamed my sister for posting it. And she started ruminating about every little thing she could conjure that my sister had said or done that could be construed as negative over their recent visit, and basically over our 7 yr marriage at the time. It became a back and forth email battle between the two -- my sister refused to apologize for posting the article, or for saying some of the things she said that upset my partner. There was no closure, and it has basically carried on to this day.

This was punctuated by a tragic loss for us as well -- my partner, shortly after my sister visited, got pregnant with our second child. Pre-planned timing on our part, with no flexibility on my partner's behalf given the recent devastation my sister went through. I had a hard time announcing it to my sister given her recent loss, and also given the conflict ongoing. The news hit my sister pretty hard, but she put on a happy face for us. We didn't talk much over the next few months.

At 16 wks, several wks later, my partner experienced the tragic loss of our baby. I didn't contact my sister right away, but asked my parents to let her know. We had already announced the pregnancy on facebook, so my partner immediately announced the loss. Unfortunately, my sister's friend saw the posting before my sister had found out -- and she delayed contacting us for a few more hours. When she did contact us, my partner was already furious with her, and more than that, my sister tried to connect with my partner by saying she could understand what she was going through given she had a similar experience a few months before.

My partner was livid with this... granted, I see what she means -- no one else would dare to say "I know what you're going through", rather the usual "I can't imagine..." but leave it to my sister to say it in such a way that set off my partner all over again. And this is where I can no longer relate to my partner --- she said repeatedly, "she has no idea. no idea what it's like to lose a baby. how dare she... etc etc." There is more, but you get the idea. There were hateful words said as well, that I won't share. My sister and brother-in-law then overcompensated the next few months ---- and the final straw for my partner, was when they sent a birthday card and gift to our daughter. In it, my sister wrote a note to our 2 yr old daughter asking how she was, but also telling her a little bit about what they were up to. She also bought her a gift that wasn't on the amazon wish list my partner always creates dictating items that are pre-approved, but the gift was the same brand and similar to several other items on the wish-list. This set her off again, and to this day, she is "DONE" with my sister. One of her favorite words.

There is so much more to this story, but I'm afraid I could go on typing for hours. I know in a marriage I'm supposed to have my partner's back. And she often feels betrayed by me when I disagree with one of her outbursts. (this one with my sister in particular) But I can't justify shutting people out of my life for trivial things.

She is so good at making me feel like I am in the wrong with every conflict we encounter, and that somehow I am an awful person. I know I'm not perfect, and I could tell you many stories from her perspective to support that... but I am at my wit's end trying to "manage" her emotions and the repercussions on every aspect of my life. Throw in the mix a 2 1/2 yr old daughter who is my everything -- and my commitment to have her become a well-adjusted, emotionally competent little girl........ for my own sanity, I'm not sure I can stay, but for the protection of my daughter, I feel like I have to.
I agree with alot of the others.  Sometimes its better to know when to cut your losses and be done with him.  Sure you could try fighting it; but whats that stress worth to you?  What is your sanity worth to you if you settle with their offer?  Are there absolutely no more options to raise the percentage in your favor?  Giving up furniture and such?  11K for your freedom that you can basically control how you pay.
Separating & Divorcing / Re: Why I stayed...please tell your stories:)
« Last post by RiverRat on Yesterday at 09:42:52 PM »
Wow...completelyperdue so glad you started this. I broke NC tonight after receiving a post card. I have been on this forum long enough as well as another forum to prepare for what I heard while hoping to hear something different. It was almost textbook. 

I stayed the first time because he was the only man I had surrendered my heart and soul to. He was the first man whose marriage proposal I accepted. I believed he was different from all those who came before him. He came from a good family. He had worked since he was a teenager. I had not ever encountered him in any of our local bars.  His friend said I was his intellectual equivalent.  Looking back I ignored the red flags. I overlooked, explained away, blamed myself, made excuses for...did anything to keep from bursting that bubble. I divorced him but didn't leave him. It was on again, off again, push me/pull me.  Had to have me back but once he got me back I was no longer worthy.  I was in my early 20's, had zero self-esteem. Went to college and got a degree thinking it would make me worthy. This lasted 7 years until my Creator intervened and moved me 500 miles away from him. I just never got over him even though I met another and had two wonderful children. 

10 years later, my 2nd marriage ended and I contacted him again. He had not ever remarried. We had a "friendship" for another 5 years until 5 years ago it became romantic again. The narrative was that we were meant for each other. We didn't stop loving each other.  I moved back to my home state and moved in with him June 21 2013 and should have moved out June 23rd.  I'd say pride and ego made me stay. I didn't want to admit I was wrong.  6 month later I was beat down, and left with a case of shingles.  I spent another 6 months taking abuse long distance. Just did not want to admit that it was over. I went back this past June to get the rest of my belongings and tried one more time to reason with him. I WUV YOU!!  When I got back home he called one night and asked me if I had cheated on him. This is what led a close friend to suggest he might be a Narc.  I found my way here and to Chumplady.com.  I read and re-read the posts. I went no contact.  I maintained no contact until tonight.  I'm satisfied now.  It's over. He's nothing special and never was.  I am grateful that there is 500 miles between us so I don't have to run into him. He is still blocked from my phone. I have no desire to ever speak to him again. Now it's time to work on myself some more and know my worth.
Separating & Divorcing / Realizations of my Life in Hell
« Last post by negrito2013 on Yesterday at 09:41:51 PM »
Hi All,
Need some advice from anyone.  I am married to BPD W that is really nutty.  Married for 10 years with 2 kids, 8 and 11, and having a real tough time the past 2 years. Actually, the past 13 years have been rough.  Thought I could get an annulment due to green card lies from BPD W but Lawyer not sure it will work.  I have a "nuclear" option of proving she lied in her visa applications but it may cost. She is a decent mother but she is crazy and abusive with daughter and I have to intervene often with my baby girl to ensure she is protected by me. 
I am very confused and troubled.  I have a boy 8 YO and girl 11 YO. My BPD w is Asian and obviously coming from a screwed up childhood.  I can probably prove she lied to the Homeland Security department but what are the emotional costs to having her deported?  Also, the emotional burden on the kids?  This really sucks.  I am so tired and worn down.  Every time she goes to do her things, I want her to go away......forever.  Even getting a visit from the police that she died in an accident would be a blessing.......for me but not for the kids.  I feel so bad saying that but I feel it.......
God, I am so tired and at the end of my strength and spirit.....I have been so low for so long it sucks.  I looked at apartments today to move out so I can leave then I think of the kids. I love so them so much have been the punching bag from her abuse. If I leave, is my baby girl going to be the punching bag? I cry when I think about this possibility?
OK, Chivas on the rocks.......:( :'(

Parenting / Re: 11 sociopath son- what now? Concrete advice/resources needed
« Last post by kiwihelen on Yesterday at 09:35:42 PM »
I'm going to be honest with you and say up front that I worry that you are labelling your child a sociopath well before the age that a diagnosis can be made. Even using that label will affect how you behave to him and I worry about self fulfilling prophecy.
What lept out at me is your son has learned that any attention is better than none...so being different in group therapy, being difficult to his autistic Sib and saying that he doesn't have feelings are all ways of getting attention.
I would suggest working on ways of getting him positive attention by getting him a mentor, and working with a family therapist to help change the dynamic in the family so he gets praise for good behaviour and is getting no feedback on bad behaviour .
I'm not blaming you - if you are solo parenting special needs kids it can be hard to get time for the least disabled for positive attention.
My partner's 17 y/o daughter shows a lot of signs of BPD, but until either a clinical expert gives her the label or she gets too old to excuse her actions as shitty teen behaviour associated with having been alienated from her father during 3 key years of development by her uBPD mother, she is given benefit of the doubt and we nurture and support good behaviour and firmly call-out bad behavior.
You're welcome.  I never intended it to be so long, but it's still only a brief summary.  Thanks for reading.
Chosen Relationships / Re: Feeling very angry tonight
« Last post by 1sillyfilly on Yesterday at 09:25:11 PM »
  Its like I could have written this myself.  I find myself coming  back to this site to know i am not alone; and to help let others know they arent alone.  I can understand being so angry that you had to leave work early.  I dont know how many times my BF started arguments in the car, only to have me pull over because I wont drive when i reach a certain point. 
  The things they do to us are really unimaginable.  I am sorry about the funeral situation; that had to be horrible for yall.  He wants to push your buttons and its going to get you frustrated.  Please dont torture yourself about feeling bad about finding yourself in this situation.  None of them ever showed their true selves when we first meet them.  If they had, I dont think anyone would ever be with a PD.
Separating & Divorcing / Re: Filing
« Last post by healingnow on Yesterday at 09:16:17 PM »

That was so funny I am LOL right now! Are his e-mails for real?? They sounds like lyrics from a sad country song! :band:

I would be tempted to send an e-mail that you are still filing just to see what he comes up with next.
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