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Be strong, I know this must be nerve wracking. Sending you positive energy and any luck I can find....you started the process, it is bound to be a bumpy ride...but you will make it through to your final freedom.
Chosen Relationships / Re: My PD has all the control
« Last post by Ty_A on Today at 06:05:04 AM »
Wow, I think it's great how your posts describe your experiences with such detail. I wish I could write like that. You inspire me and I thank you for that, too.

First thing that comes to mind, a joke: Guys are great at getting stuff done around the house, they will always do what they promise to do, you really don't have to remind them about it every six months........

The serious thing I would like to say is that there is a rule I have found very useful - the cleanup rule. Every adult is responsible for their own messes. Stop cleaning up after them! Let them follow through with their tasks to the end! They are behaving like kids because we enable it. Let go.
Unchosen Relationships / Re: Code Words Toxic people use
« Last post by findingmyhome on Today at 05:55:13 AM »

...my NPD mother always said I didn't "respect" them because, if I did, I would copy them by 1) marrying a man in the same profession as my father 2)wanting a house exactly like theirs. 3) modeling my life after them.

This wasn't implicit. She actually said this.

My life is nearly in the stepping stones of their life.  In the past when I was trying to please them I would point out what I am doing and how I am living. They just stare at as if I am speaking in a different language.
Oh oops now the rules changed.  They changed.  Now they way I live (the way they LIVED) is no good. Why?  Probably because I am doing it. 


For example, my mom would make a point of rubbing in my face how they consume and waste because I talk about how I save and reduce my footprint.  She would fill THREE huge trash bags in the space of a four hour visit (paper and plastic everything and unwanted food, etc.)  By then I knew what she was doing and did not bite the bait.
Unchosen Relationships / Re: Dig from the GC sibling
« Last post by findingmyhome on Today at 05:47:00 AM »
I never had an account in FB.  PDsis signs up and brags about her many friends ("so and so does not have as many friends as I do.....") and encourages me to sign up.   I consider that her territory and stay away.  I do not need the pain and all.  I can call and email when I want to stay in touch.
Separating & Divorcing / The dating website matched us AGAIN ..
« Last post by Hitherto on Today at 04:59:37 AM »
So, yesterday I finally gathered some courage to go back and get a glimpse on the dating website, hell, and maybe even talk to someone! It's the same site where me and my exBPD\NPDbf met. Ten minutes later, I got my "best matches", based on matching questions people answer. Guest who came up first? Yep, that's right, my ex. With a brand new shining profile and a gorgeous photo that I took of him (I'm a photographer). Out of the millions of people!!! Had to take a few Xanax pills, before I could open it without shaking.
So, what can I say, he a writer for a reason. Everything is so smoothly tailored to present him a perfect gentlemen, perfect intellectual. And a few comments here and there hinting that he's been hurt in relationships, to tug on women heartstrings.

Lying that he has a job, (playes videogames all day), culturally active (never goes out of the house, unless it's to a bar), loves people (when they provide supply, otherwise talking all the time how he hates them), good at making his SO feeling loved and appreciated (diabolical laughter) and giving presents (got one during the whole time, a book, which he took "to read" and never gave back)

So much hypocrisy! - in the end of our relationship, when he didn't care what I think about him anymore, he used to go into tirades about how "fat" women don't have the right to exist, also people of color, Muslims, Jews, women with curly hair, women with tatoos, women with hair on their legs, etc
Now suddenly "women can have any kind of body they want to have, and I respect that" "there should be equality for every person, no matter what race or color he is" and so on ..
God I'm so sick  :barfy:
I contacted the administration, so they would at least take down that photo taken by me, because it's a copyright infringement to upload it without my consent. No response.
I keep thinking about how many women would be hooked up on this perfectly crafted profile, and it makes me so angry, so sick and angry.
In hope to raise awarness about the dangerous people on these websites, and their behavior, I wrote a thread on Reddit today.
If you're there, please take a moment to upvote it, so it could get more views.

Thank you so much if you've read my rant till the end  :blush:
Common Behaviors / Re: Why did I give in again?
« Last post by timetobeme on Today at 04:47:13 AM »
"Why did I give in again?"

Because, on the surface, it sounds like a small and normal request and your refusing to do it seems childish and pettish. Actually, his behavior in not letting go even though you declined is childish - your behavior was just a reaction to his.

That's a favorite game many Ns like to play: Make their request sound all normal and small and reasonable so that you look and feel childish and insane if you say no...

In reality, he was just assessing how much power to manipulate you he still has.

Don't despair, restore your sense of 'sanity' (reread the 'Toolbox' section or something - that always helps me) and gear up for another day! Establishing boundaries with a N is next to impossible. Be nice to yourself and don't beat yourself up about giving in this time.

Kudos to you.  :hug:
Unchosen Relationships / Re: Narc Texts
« Last post by coralreef on Today at 04:37:55 AM »
If you'd waited to text her back a few more hours, she probably would have shot you the, "OH, WHERE ARE YOU!?!?" text that tells you she believes you don't actually have a life without her.   ::)  And you're FIVE and could run across the street without looking both ways and without your shoes, too!

Time and distance, Coralreef.  If she won't give them willingly, keep forcing the issue with LC or VLC.  The more distance we put between them and us, the stronger we get - and the more we see the entire situation for how dysfunctional and toxic it really is - and how INSANE and tiny their worlds really are.

UnBPD mom didn't have a cell and couldn't text - thank Deity! - or I'd probably have been bombarded with endless updates about the Kardashians.

The *phone* was terrifying enough, thank you very much!   :aaauuugh:

Yes, from what I have read about your mother, I think texting would have been terrible!

I had a feeling I'd get a 'have you died' type message which is why I replied - just so she knew I'd got it. But you're right, the longer I spend away from the family, the more normal and healthy I feel, and the more crazy they look. It's good for me, that's for sure. A few years ago I would have sent a message being all 'ohhhh poor NM', and now I'm like....she's on holiday. All paid for by en/ndad. It's warm. She's lucky, yet all she can do is complain about the heat (26deg today, sounds amazing!) and jet lag. Poor waify NM. And so she messages her daughter back home for sympathy.  ::)

Thank god I didn't go with them (this is the trip they invited me on!).

Last time she went to hot climes she got a UTI and spent her holiday texting me about it and also stressing about customs taking her antibiotics and expecting me to give her expert advice on customs procedures......

Not falling for the same thing if she just 'happens' to get sick...five bucks says she will!
Unchosen Relationships / Re: it's not your fault. . .it's mine, always
« Last post by TiredFish on Today at 03:56:03 AM »
Sorry! I mixed up bird & husband.
The bird's seizure might have happened anyway, as well as your husband's psychotic break.
Like Woman said, you couldn't have known.
Unchosen Relationships / Re: Thoughts On NM's Latest Rant?
« Last post by WomanInterrupted on Today at 03:14:32 AM »
I'm at a loss - I *think* I get it but really don't.

I think it could possibly be, "Bad things happen to bad people."  The man with ebola must have been bad and obviously his family is bad because he was bad and got ebola, because he was trying to help ebola patients, and he got the disease, which means he's as bad as they are - just you wait for what the tabloids bring up!

They deserve it because he got it.

In Magical Thinking World, germs only spread like fairy dust upon the Unwashed Masses of Her Choosing.

Nice people don't get ebola, you know.   ::)
Chosen Relationships / Re: And this is his story...MY Narcissist.
« Last post by fozzybear on Today at 02:49:29 AM »
Yep Muldoon, same here. The moment I told mine the whole truth about my childhood (big mistake!) was the moment I fell off my pedestal - don't think he ever forgave me for being abused  :stars: Actually, I didn't fall, I was pushed... he barely spoke to me for a week after that revelation. And when he decided he could live with the revelation (WTF??) I was meant to feel grateful...
All it did was place his family above mine in the great parenting stakes - ironic hey?

Looking back at his Dad's behaviour, I should have run for the hills the first time I met his parents, bombastic immature Dad, needy NPD waif of a mother, all those red flags in one little house. But I was only 19 and only recently escaped my own dysfunctional family - I had no idea I was walking into the heart of another  >:(

I am making sure my own child never does the same - we have lots of open conversations about boyfriends' behaviours, and she has dumped several for being clingy, moody, or possessive - she's so much more clued up than I was, so proud of her  ;D
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