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The Welcome Mat / Re: Raised as the family scapegoat
« Last post by dandnray on Today at 02:44:49 PM »
Thanks for your comments, confused13.

I guess I get the narcissism part alright. I just don't get the abusive part. I can completely understand that a coddled child or a child raised to think they can do no wrong would become narcissistic. I've recognized narcissism in myself and my 4 siblings to varying degrees as well. It's been a weird ride for me, since I've alternated between self-loathing & imagining that I "must" be at least a bit special to have come from such a special, "above-the-norm" family (the mantra that was repeated to us throughout childhood was that our family was somehow "above" most other people, and the ones we weren't above were to be idolized in the extreme.)

Also, during my young adulthood, I successfully gained favored status for years by being the perfect daughter and by giving my mother free access to my children. Oh, if only. (Pit of regret; must stay out of it!) But, it's no wonder that my children grew up to scapegoat their own mother. My son even related to me (after he was grown) that every member of my family bad-mouthed me to him & his sister behind my back. What was I thinking?! I really don't know why I didn't flee, but now I need to simply accept what is and do what I can in the today that I have.

What a weird thing it is to see how these cruelties play out in the lives of those who grow up in a family of lies. Each one of us is messed up in our own way.

I have even wondered if "scapegoat" shouldn't be listed as a personality disorder. Or is it and I just haven't seen it yet? It is clearly a distorted view of oneself and causes great damage, so why not?
Common Behaviors / Waking up
« Last post by Soso28 on Today at 02:41:30 PM »
Hi, Everyone.
There is something that been bugging me for year now about my PD.  Is it common for every Schizoid to have trouble waking up in the morning?  I really have a hard time waking up before 10h or 11h am.  Is it something common or it just me?
LGBT Relationships / Re: yay marriage...or...whatever...
« Last post by NotThisTime on Today at 02:40:14 PM »
Umm, according to your ex, wouldn't you have been spared by Obama's hired assassins? I mean, isn't she the one accusing you of NOT being gay (or gay enough or whatever)? Therefore, Obama's henchmen would have left you alone and you certainly would have been prevented from participating in a 'gay' wedding. Just saying  :doh:

As far as gay marriage, I'm still waiting for the fire and brimstone that's surely gonna come!! I keep reading how gay marriage will lead to polygamy and bestiality and all kinds of ugly things! They're only saying that stuff because they've never been in a relationship with the folks we have. If they had, they'd know bestiality is a much better option!! lol

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling lonely. I guess I'm lucky. I don't feel that way. I'm alone but not lonely. Recently I've been thinking about making the attempt to find friends. At my age, its very difficult to make new friends and having moved out of my home state and away from my family/friends to be with It, there's really no one here that I have a history with, except for It. I even tried to be friends with It, but had to go NC since the only way It can be is mean and hurtful. I got tired of being her punching bag friend. It suddenly occurred to me that I can't be friends with someone who intentionally misunderstands and invalidates me. When I moved here, Its friends became 'our' friends and It launched a very successful smear campaign when I left It which has all of them scared to even come around me.   
My ex's mother and sister have my daughter until I can get there thank god
I don't know if it's a out the waste. It's probably more about the pleasure of seeing you serve her. "Fetch me more coffee!" "Cook me breakfast!" "Buy this for me!"  And then there may be the additional payoff of short-term hoarding, i.e. "You wanted the last piece of the coffee? Well, I'm taking the last of the coffee, even though I've already had a cup. I'm not even going to drink it. But I like knowing that YOU can't drink it. I control the coffee!"

Well...it's pretty weird to read like MY EXACT SAME STORY written by someone else.  Except my ex life partner is a she, and the house I moved out of is actually in MY NAME, and thanks to her shenanigans I have no access to it right now b/c I have a protective order against her and she won't leave the property.  But yes, lost almost everything, have had to withdraw money from 401k, have tried everything for years to make it work, she told me some of those same horrible abusive things word for word.  :-(  And despite the fact that my lesbian relationship surely didn't fit within my Christian upbringing, my upbringing against divorce made it really REALLY difficult to consider leaving the woman I saw as my spouse and loved with all my heart.  I had to keep remembering that I DID honor my vows, and I continued to do so even as I left her b/c I tried to be fair about everything I did, tried to ensure she was treated fairly in our separation.  She did NOT return the favor.  Divorcing does NOT mean you aren't honoring your vows.  Not at all, in your case. 

I just can't get over how much your story sounds like mine, and it makes me so so sad for you.  It is pure hell to go through what you are going through.  Please know you aren't alone.
Common Behaviors / Re: His mask slipped
« Last post by Lovely on Today at 02:35:28 PM »
My unBPD husband does this too... closes eyes in public but not to sleep.  I don't know what he's doing.  When we were first married, I asked him why.. and he got pissy.  I don't understand it but this is the first time I've read of someone else doing it.  I thought it was a weird personality tick of his. 
I remember this one far too well...mom would offer then farm it out to me - or offer on my behalf, knowing I wouldn't say no - except I did a few times and was told that I made her look bad.  Never mind that it was totally inconvenient for me or I had other things going on - I made her look bad!

I used to list things from their shop on Ebay, so mom told a friend from Club that I'd be more than happy to list some things for her.  I was pissed - this was back before Ebay made things easier (and there were Iphones), and listing stuff was kind of a PITA.  Mom didn't understand what I was complaining about because this time, I'd get paid a commission.  But I did put my foot down about shipping the items (glass Nescafe globe mugs & the accompanying pieces).  Mom didn't like it, but I told her I wasn't going to be responsible for glass and if her friend wanted them sold, her friend could ship them.

So...the items sell, I get my commission check and the woman has shorted me $5 and change.  I said something to mom and she smirked and said, "She does that to everybody."

Thanks.  I told her to never offer my services again because the answer was NO. 

She started trying to get me upholstering jobs, whether I wanted them or not - and I didn't want them.  I reupholster things because I enjoy it, not because I want it to be my job.  Oh, she was *furious* that I refused her friends! 

But the one that was the absolute worst was the cat.  Her friend had died and left behind a 1.5 year old cat that nobody could take.  I'd told mom I'd speak to the woman's daughter about the cat - but out of the blue, I got a phone call that didn't quite register at first - probably because I didn't want it to.  Dad had picked up the cat, it was at their house and he was going to bring it over in a few minutes.

And that's how we got Gracie - mostly because we felt sorry for her.  We did love her but she should have never come here - she just didn't do well in a multi-cat household of strong personalities.  If I'd been able to talk to the daughter or meet Gracie myself, I would have known very quickly it wasn't a good idea - instead, my dad delivered a snarling, snapping, growling, hissing and completely stressed-out cat who was so wound up that even saying, "Hi..." in a quiet voice would get our legs viciously attacked.  (And I do mean viciously - we both still have scars.)

Yes...they LOVE doing favors for others - and if we suffer because of it, it's even better!
That is what we are most scared of, that if DH and NPDbiomom just can not get along, they will just give custody to her. But the judge seems pretty fair since all this started. She saw right past her lies in evidential hearing for abuse, and demanded biomom to get a job, because she has responsibility to take of her daughter as well as DH.

That is amazing.  You guys are very lucky they could see that she was lying!! We were able to prove that BPD lied but we didn't even get to the point where we could prove it at trial because we ended up settling....I still kind of with my DH could have final say for decisions, because her decisions are based off hatred for my DH or whatever benefits her so in the end the child will lose out because she will purposely disagree with my DH.  She doesn't want DSS to do anything or to have anything similar to his father so she will do anything prevent it even really big things that he needs.  BPD mom doesn't work either but she has baby on the way... that will be interesting considering she didn't care for my DSS.  She had a c-section but she used that as an excuse not to hold or care for the child and sleep all the time.  My DH did the skin to skin contact, and when he had to go back to work his parents cared for the child so she could hide in their basement all day and sleep.  She gave up because the pressure to take care of her child was too much and didn't even contact her child for 8 months and then out of the blue she wanted him two nights a week when he was 3.  I don't know how she convinced the judge that it was appropriate to keep the child away from his father when he was 4 for 6 weeks before court if he was fit enough for her leave him in his care for 8 months with out any worry at all.  Her excuse was that she didn't feel his actions were in his best interest when he didn't agree to only having every second weekend... no parent in their right mind would agree to that if they raised the child and this was only asked for when the kid was 4.  So it was shocking that they actually gave her what she wanted.  But she had establish the child's new status quo so they apparently made their choice based on what would least disrupt the child's routine.......lol and on top of that... I will conclude with this.. she wasn't even taking care of her child during this period and the rest of that summer.  She hired her BF's 14 year old daughter to care for the child 24/7.  BPDbiomom actually slept until she had to go to work and only came back after midnight.  THe baby sitter told us that BPD biomom never bathed her child, feed her child or take him outside.  She said her mother had to bring groceries for DSS and her because BPD didn't have barely anything in her cupboards,, only Mr. Noodles but always alcohol.  We are so glad to finally have shared custody, but like I said primary care would be easier when dealing with someone who feels the need to control everything even when she technically not suppose to but she uses excuses like it's an emergency, when the doctor proved there was nothing wrong with him and she wasted her time.  Only so she can feel the sense of control over DH and DSS... I really wish more judges saw BPD/NPDs for how they really are and knew the signs of what to expect... but they end up just making case look like a he said she said petty argument.  I am done I am so sorry I tend to ramble on about things that don't even have anything to do with the topic...
Chosen Relationships / Re: Confronting your NPD
« Last post by sogray on Today at 02:31:31 PM »
To answer your original question, though, I have never formally confronted my H about the possibility of him having a PD.  I told him once that I thought he had been verbally and emotionally abusive to me many times during our marriage and since I moved out, but that is the extent of it.  He didn't respond.  He has admitted that he has been "mean" and that he was sorry for being mean, but he has never said anything more than that.   

Not surprisingly, he told me that I am the one with a PD, that I am "crazy" and "psycho" and that I act "nuts."  According to an email he sent me a month and a half ago, I am also jealous, resentful, bitter, impulsive, controlling, petty and irrational.  Then he went on to quote 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 and told me to work on my life.  True story.
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