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Dealing with PD Parents / Re: Maintaining boundaries and family relationships
« Last post by paco on Yesterday at 08:39:27 PM »
Thanks - and back at ya!

I might reach the point some of you suggest - just forbid certain topics... I have encouraged brother to be open with me, and if he ever wanted questions answered or to talk that I would be open to it. I thought showing him that I am reasonable would help him see I'm not just being stubborn with the NC. But it's possible he won't see that anyway.
Working on Us / Re: My Ex and her family are trying to drive me insane.
« Last post by xredshoesx on Yesterday at 08:37:53 PM »
every time i see one of our dads here stand up for their kids a little tiny piece of my little girl heart heals.

stay the course and keep your nose to the grindstone.  you can do this!
Working on Us / Re: Motivation and Exercise
« Last post by Rubytown on Yesterday at 08:35:08 PM »

What an encouraging post!  I remember running after school just to get rid of the headaches.  And on the weekends to get away from PDFOO.  LOVED, LOVED, LOVED running!  After my knee reconstructions I have been unable to run.  It actually took a few months to learn to walk again in physical therapy.  Many people discouraged me from pursuing such a drastic step, but I am sooo glad I did!  Now I can walk, jog even, and don't have to be afraid of constant injuries.  I dream of running.  I literally have beautiful dreams in which I'm running, limitless energy, free on the beach, like I did years ago.  I will run again.  This is one dream I will accomplish.  The knee reconstructions are a good analogy to what I'm going through now leaving this destructive r/s.  It will be worth the sacrifice and pain to fix this thing.

I love that you are thinking about goals, a new life, a self that you like.  Lovely thoughts, thanks for sharing!
Working on Us / Re: Rocked by self-doubt and that cruddy inner critic
« Last post by Rubytown on Yesterday at 08:29:24 PM »

You make a good point about being realistic and careful.  It makes sense to feel some doubt about undertaking the task of becoming a single mother of 3 (in my case).  Therapists and others often do not understand the very real issues we are considering and how important it is to proceed with caution.  It's easy to say "Leave, you can do this on your own."

I will say, in my case, that what I am doing now is much harder than the alternative.  I have worked full-time, completed my degree while working, had reconstructive knee surgeries, and two of my pregnancies were while running my business.  We have a landscape company and I worked in the field running heavy equipment as well as managing the office side.  Nothing, and I mean nothing, has ever been as difficult as dealing with PDSO.  And raising my kids is the hardest job I've ever done.  I have, as many others, made choices and sacrifices to be home with them at least part-time.  I believe it is the most important, most difficult, and most rewarding job I will ever have.  I am in NO WAY judging those who work full-time and have their kids in daycare!  Mine are with babysitters 20-30 hours a week.  I'm just saying that we should give much more value and appreciation to parents in general and particularly to stay-at-home moms.  You are angels.

The hardest thing for me lately has been since I quit our business.  I'm not well-suited to being home and struggle with the office work.  Of course, I'm going through a major life crisis, but also fight feeling depressed at home.  It is so hard to clean up the same things day after day and focus on boring taxes and invoices.  And then uNPDh looks down on me and doesn't respect me because I'm not working in the field.  I now understand he never respected me to begin with.  It was just an illusion like so many things in this r/s.

What I must realize is that I have done harder things than this.  The aspect of this challenge that makes it so hard is the loss of self-esteem, doubting myself as openskyblue said when she started this thread.  Logically, I know I will do better when I am out of this negative environment.  But I look around at the mess I've made of my life and think "How could I possibly do this all by myself when I'm doing this terribly with a partner?"  The important fact is that uNPDh is not a partner.  He is one more giant kid I have to take care of but with a bunch of power and authority that makes his tantrums quite dangerous.  I can do this.  I am already doing the harder thing.  You all are too.
Thank you for the clarity VI! Your second suggestion sounds more in DH's nature. The uPdBro would likely damage our property if confronted directly. To give you a better idea of what DH has been up against, uPDBro has targetted DH for over 30 years. DH is kind, funny and is well respected in his field. UPDBro is aggressive, mean spirited, possessive and paranoid and wears the smirk which is only turned into a smile when the need to charm arises.

DH's problem throughout life I think has been his parents' actions when dealing with uPDBro. Instead of uPDBro facing consequences for trashing DH's possessions, stealing, unrelenting verbal torment etc. his parents just wrote it all off as sibling rivalry. Still do! And to make matters worse, knowing that uPDBro had issues (probably to do with their divorce), they sought  to 'attach' him to DH probably hoping DH would 'lift him up'. Eg. Changing school to be with DH. Sadly, DH was doing really well in his new school in his final years only to have uPDBro torment him infront of peers as well as the unrelenting BS at home.

The next 'attachment' in an attempt to fix the uPdBro, was to employ him in the family company. DH and OK Bro had been working for their father for many, many years with DH on the verge of being internationally recognised for his efforts and expertise. Against their pleading, knowing full well the train wreck to come, their father employed uPDBro. Since that time, CEOs have tried and tried to convince fil of how much of a menace to staff and customers alike uPDBro is, let alone brothers and other staff. But he refused to listen. Still does! DH and OK Bro are watching their whole adult life commitment to their father and his company falling apart all because of their agro brother and their father's denial. The whole workplace has been on eggshells for years and the relief only comes when DH is back in the office when laughter is heard again. But now DH is too exhausted and is adamant now that he's never going to work with uPDBro ever again. He knows he needs to look after his health which is now suffering again because guess what, his father told uPDBro about OK Bro's visit. But judging from posts, I don't imagine that a surprise for many here.

Oh, and to answer your question, uPDBro just emailed hubby directly to say he was visiting, but no mention of accommodation. Just his usual bullying style of putting people on the spot and unsettling them. If he doesn't get his way, he either lashes out or acts the victim.

So anyway, OK Bro is confronting fil with a WTF type of conversation. We'll be cheering him on from afar. Thanks again for the advice! Stay tuned :doh:
Separating & Divorcing / Re: kitties
« Last post by HomeAgain on Yesterday at 07:41:42 PM »
Happy to hear that you've found a place for all of them.
Chosen Relationships / Re: Yes, I'm Allowed To Be Angry
« Last post by weeblewobbled on Yesterday at 07:20:56 PM »
Yes, sadly I know the little kid thing all too well. I think I even posted a while back about him burping mid kiss when we were supposed to be getting intimate, and him laughing like a kid, and it was a forced burp! It didn't just slip out! I've tried to get him to be a little more passionate but then all he does is get rougher, and he just can't get it. I would love some adult love making! But I don't think he's capable of it.

I remember that post and I'm so sorry. That's so gross. And a blatantly obvious attempt at shirking intimacy and returning to a child-like "cutesy" state.
Separating & Divorcing / Re: Send your good JUJU my way please
« Last post by Foghorn on Yesterday at 07:16:37 PM »
No go on the settlement...off to court we go :'(
Dealing with PD Parents / Crying
« Last post by Iguanago on Yesterday at 07:04:16 PM »
Stevie’s post about “getting over it”, and Bloomie’s response about not crying made me think.  I too rarely cry, and never in front of someone.  When I was a child, crying was always ridiculed, and emotions invalidated:  “That’s nothing to cry about!”, “Oh, are you crying again?”  “Look what she’s crying about!’”.  You get the picture.

So, as a result, I learned to not cry, or if I was crying, to stop it, quick, or to somehow hold it in until I was in a place by myself and no one would see or hear me.  To this day, I usually cry nearly silently, and still never do it in front of anyone.

So I’m curious:  Did your FOO affect your expression of emotion to the point that you have abnormal cry patterns?
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