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Dealing with PD In-Laws / Re: PD inlaws in town/Feeling betrayed
« Last post by SweetTea on Yesterday at 04:29:12 PM »
all4peace, thank you for your kind words of support. I really needed to hear them today. I myself just started therapy a few weeks ago because I thought it was what I needed for me to cope with PDin-laws moving here and my NC decision. I figured, I get therapy, he keeps them away from me, and that's it!  :no:

We need a lot more than that (therapy together and seperately, long, honest, sometimes painful conversations, hard work.) I didn't realize that some of the anxiety I am holding onto is anxiety about whether he can come Out of the FOG enough to support and protect and be a united front with me on this.

Today has been very cathartic for both DH and myself. Thank you so much for reaching out.  :bighug:

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Working on Us / Re: FINALLY realizing how bad it was
« Last post by LSK1999 on Yesterday at 04:27:21 PM »
For myself and for other people I know, sometimes this overwhelming flood is actually a positive thing in the large picture.

That our subconscious feels safe enough to let these things come to the surface to be dealt with is often a positive.

A phase where healing takes place. But as with physical healing sometimes things get worse or more painful  before they get better.

I wish you strength and courage while dealing with this onslaught of the negative from the past.

Thanks for this post because for me every step I have taken away from my abusive NM has felt harder then the last. I finally have gone LC and intend to keep it this way but I CANNOT believe how much worse I have gotten since. It doesn't help that she continues to try to hoover me with each contact and is constantly grilling everyone else about me. There is no going back now so I sure hope this worsening is temporary. I think I am really beginning to process how horrible it really all was, my emotions are INSANE and so is my anxiety. Anyway thanks for the reminder that sometimes things get worse before they get better  :)
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Thanks!
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I'm glad that it helped you. I appreciate you letting me know.

There are some good PD carer and narcissistic abuse syndrome websites and Facebook groups that post regular affirmations that are useful to read.

Best wishes

guitarman
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So All,

I recently posted here about my DS becoming more involved in my ucovertNPDw's PD treatment now that she sees me not being as affected by it.  This past weekend was horrendous... not only on me (which I can endure as I have over the past decade), but on my DS13 to the point that he basically refuses to talk with her (also posted in the Dad's forum of an episode where he said he did not trust her aka was afraid of being alone with her, etc during a period when he was beyond emotional).    He is pretty much standing his ground to his mum, but also saying things straight to her like, she, "... needs help", that she is overbearing, and at a frustration level that is not healthy (hormones are adding to that).   Of course as a PD, she cannot take any of this and it all escalates to who has the last word and who yells the loudest between then.   She then pulls me into it to "help".   The house is Toxic.   

I try to be a mediator between them - for example, suggest she give him space or suggest she not to make so many demands when speaking to him (she's the adult, so she should set the example), but she gets insulted that A.  I would tell her what to do and B. that she has any fault in this since he is a kid....   She also feels this is me siding with him and demands that I "support her" - take her side... assumingly she wants me to yell with her at DS and I simply will not do that.... there is too much yelliing now and I want the house to be at rest and not in turmoil... as much as that is possible.

I have talked with him while alone and away from the house.  Suggested medium chill approach (in kid layman's terms - not sure if he got it), asked him to treat others/show others how he wants to be treated with his words and actions, informed him that mean words do not help and only insult, use respect to get respect, etc.   His comments are frank and basically true - that she is mean to him.  That she uses  those words to him, that she is overbearing and controlling, and that everything she says to him is all around how good/right she is and how bad/wrong he is (for example, the txts she sends him, etc) which I also recognize in what she says to me (PD 101).

So, I am basically afraid to leave him with her alone for an extended period of time.  Especially if I were to discard her, because she will then be even more PD and eager to get that PD supply by any and all means (including our DS!).    I do things with him away from her, but the time apart does not subdue their interactions.  It seems on occasion, they are calm with each other, but I think its usually because he has succumbed to her control.... which is probably emotionally damaging in its own right (is that burying feelings?)... and in an instant they are right back at it...

His T is on leave for a while too.... I am not sure the T has an awareness of this from the past year, but I can't even contact the T to share any of this and the sub T has not ever met him....

Ugh...  any insight would help....
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I would start with clearing your cache and cookies, see if that resolves it. Your IP may have gotten tangled in some of the recent spam attacks and been banned in error.
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Religious & Spiritual Discussion / Re: “idiot compassion”
« Last post by all4peace on Yesterday at 03:47:28 PM »
I've been coming to a belief that God has rules of relationships, just likes rules of gravity, etc.

If someone lies and is dishonest, they break trust.
If someone is hateful and unkind, they harm those around them.
If someone is a hypocrite, they are disrespected (by even Jesus) and not trusted.
As we sow, so shall we reap.

And many more.

It helps me to feel less guilty to realize that I didn't write the rules of relationships, and I cannot circumvent them for another. I do believe in forgiveness, but the PDs in my life admit no wrong and change nothing, and so I am finally living by the rules that I see God and Jesus teaching in the bible.
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Religious & Spiritual Discussion / Re: “idiot compassion”
« Last post by slugsandsnails on Yesterday at 03:40:05 PM »
Thanks so much for this, HeadAboveWater - it's very useful for me as it's something I struggle with. I've never heard the phrase "idiot compassion", so I Googled it - very interesting reading! The Bible verses are useful too - it would seem that "enabling" is pretty much as great a sin as the sin itself! Allowing our parents (or anyone else) to abuse us does no-one any good. However, I'm afraid I'm still guilty of "enabling" my probable PD-parents - it's so difficult to "break ones programming" & it becomes almost a form of Stockholm Syndrome. I would hope that God would understand the position the abused person can be in - I've been praying for courage to "do the right thing".

I'm reminded here of the Victorian idea of the "deserving" and "undeserving poor" - a bit harsh - "deserving" is probably not a great choice of word here but I can sort of see what they were getting at - that we need to practice "wise compassion".
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Dealing with PD In-Laws / Re: PD inlaws in town/Feeling betrayed
« Last post by all4peace on Yesterday at 03:39:45 PM »
SweetTea, I'm so thankful you're already talking to DH and getting therapy. What 2 wonderful steps towards peace and safety!

I live next-door to PD ILs. In my case, DH didn't feel loyalty as much as blind obligation to his family, a total numbness to the painful rules and dynamics they lived by.

I believe in deciding which family has priority in your life, which marriages, which children. Sometimes our FOC can lovingly and peacefully coexist with many other people on this planet, and sometimes the behaviors of other people around and in our family are so painful and toxic that we need to make a choice.  I agree with everything Bloomie says above.

I love that your DH is getting therapy. I think it's a really hopeful sign that he understands this is an issue complex and important enough to get outside help. That's wonderful! And I'm glad you'll be getting marriage counseling also.

Since more of his family is moving closer, this is an excellent time for you to get rock solid together on what your family priorities are, your boundaries, your loyalty to one another. Good luck!
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Chosen Relationships / Re: About to explode
« Last post by tamim11 on Yesterday at 03:35:09 PM »
I don't know. If she sees her mother treating me the way she does, my daughter might think it's okay to treat others--including me--the same way. I can easily see my wife encouraging my daughter to mistreat me just because my wife is upset. I can also see her telling me to change myself for the better if I want my daughter to behave better with me. That's what my wife does when I tell her that her own behavior is/was unacceptable.

If my wife controls who my daughter can see and who she cannot "just because," she might have a limited circle of friends. I don't know if it's the way they've been brought up but my wife and her older brother don't seem to have any close friends. I sometimes think my wife cannot see grey. Just black or white.

I have chosen to ask someone to arbitrate between us. My wife just doesn't seem to take me seriously when I tell her we have problems and that I am unhappy. I need to get this message across. This may also give her the opportunity to  express how she really feels too. Unfortunately, because of two recent deaths in my wife's family, the arbitrator has suggested waiting a few months.

I don't know what has made me stick around for so long. Was it inertia? A hope that things would get better? A belief that relationships are always like this? A belief instilled onto me that I was the problem? The need (and later hope) for sexual intimacy? A fear of social consequences? Or a mix of all of that.
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