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71
You're doing the right thing.   

With Halloween approaching....all these old horror movies are showing up on TV.   Yesterday, I found myself watching The Shining with Jack Nicholson.   And, as it neared the climax....where the Wendy character is swinging a bat and the husband character is promising to alternatively hurt her or promising not to......I sat there thinking, THAT's it.   There were moments in my childhood straight out of a horror movie.   There were moments my NPD father sounded just like a creepy, ghost possessed, Stephen King created....monster.    And, I'm completely and totally justified not to want that anywhere near me or those I love.    And those around me who think I should be ok with having him or anyone else who acts like him within 50 ft of me....are just plum crazy.

This. There is a reason BIL started referring to MIL as the "mom-ster" and changed her name in H's phone to "the call you wish you never answered." It is sad that he keeps getting sucked into the mess she creates but that's his choice.

When people get all rage-y and stuff I tend to look away or tune out and pretend nothing is going on. But H has noted before that sometimes when he sees MIL in a rage, her eyes turn all dark and it's like she's possessed. I can vouch for that in terms of the screaming because that bit is hard to tune out. It is a wonder where she gets the energy from to scream at such a high volume for minutes on end that sometimes last into well over an hour...where she comes up with all the vitriolic words, how she could call H a monster and then add in hours of screaming just because he said he should get to decide what day his wedding falls on.

She is a nightmare and as my therapist put it, the reason H does not invite MIL over our place anymore is because it would be a living hell. I've heard so many horror stories and the funny thing is I still haven't seen the worst of her and have just heard it from others. But it really does feel like there is a monster living inside that woman.

Even when she turns into a waif and a victim you still see the maliciousness behind it.

My mom used to be this way when I was growing up and of course when I met H I was not expecting to get crazy mom 2.0 with MIL. My mom does not rage anymore but she still is very narcissistic and selfish and controlling...but I am still trying with her and am anxious sometimes that one day I will end up cutting ties with her too, especially since H points out a lot how I have made strides with my mom but I wonder if it will ever be enough that she doesn't scream at me anymore.

I've also been tempted before and it is very confusing because I usually avoid having MIL around my parents but sometimes I wonder, "what if I have them interact more often? Then her mask would slip sooner or later and they would see her for what she truly is." Then again, MIL screamed at H before in front of the neighbors when he tried to help my mom shovel her driveway and she has already made my mom cry and my mom (and H) told me that MIL yelled at my aunt on our wedding day so... I don't get how my mom can't admit that she's just not worth being around to the point where she lamented that she missed seeing MIL during the last visit. Why people actively ask for trouble is beyond me.

I just want to get past the point of thinking about this almost every day and asking myself, "well what if I did suck it up and keep things friendly with her? Would it kill me?" I already know it's best to not be involved with her but it's not that easy to feel like I don't owe her anything, even if I know that I don't.
72
So stbx decides to type together a proposal… $1000 per month child support for 7 years (nice), me getting the house with him paying it off (again, nice), him paying me $50,000 minus the money I supposedly owe him (he paid off a debt or rather "saved" me from it) of $15,000 so a lump sum of $35,000. "I will type this up Indy, print it and give it to my lawyer." Fine but I don't agree to it. I'm not signing anything I don't agree too. "I'll still send it to her." Ok… I email my lawyer letting him know that I don't agree with this email being there are other assets that he is not including which includes the $50,300 he sent to his brothers AFTER having been served so he is under court order NOT to move money unless serving for the good of his immediate family of the kids and me… not his brothers.

Now, my lawyer drafted up a break down of assets to which I would be entitled to (and this is by law mind you) $200,000 MORE from him. Being he is on a business trip when he got the draft I get text after text "Why are you doing this to me? This isn't fair! We agreed! My lawyer was fine with what WE put together! Don't be greedy! I can't look at you any more! You want me to raise my kids in a shitty apartment? Money will run out! Out to dinner on my money! You need to be firm with your lawyer! Why did he put our son's car under my list? Just because I bought it? Don't you want me to help my family??????? The law is in your hands Indy! What is it that you want from me? What did I do to deserve this? Are you going to answer me? Hey! ???????????? Money does this to you? Why do you have to be like this? This is not going to be the way I thought. You and I need to tell your lawyer what we want. God help me please. Why are you doing this to me? Why? I knew that SOB (my lawyer) will try to mess us up."

All these were single line texts I got from him. One after another and there are more!! I had a few in there telling him to discuss with his lawyer. I am out with a friend and we will talk later. I like how my lawyer is trying to mess US up so he is still grouping US together yet its HIS money. Its also funny how WE need to tell MY lawyer what WE want when I clearly state that I DON'T AGREE WITH HIM!!!

I sent him this email this morning…
This is how the actual numbers break down based upon OUR assets. Is this what it will ultimately be? No. We both know that it won't be an exact 50/50 split. I'm not out for YOUR money. All I'm asking for is what is fair considering I've been your wife (faithful wife) for almost 18 years. The division of marital assets is per MN law. I am not going above and beyond what the law states I am entitled too. I am, however, willing to negotiate upon the final distribution number. It could end up being 60/40 or even 70/30 possibly. All I ask is please talk to your lawyer and see what she says before berating me again with text accusations of being greedy, living off your money, twist or manipulate my comments, and harassing, pressuring me to agree to something to which I don't agree too. I am and always will be FAMILY to our children and therefore I am entitled to be able to take care of them with the means WE came together with.

I know he'll somehow twist the 60/40 or 70/30 in his favor… "but you said…" crap that he pulls on me. Its what he does best - manipulate, convolute, and twist wording to suite him and only him.
73
Unchosen Relationships / Re: What are your FOO's fleas?
« Last post by NotAlice on Today at 01:38:47 PM »
1.  Your unhappiness / misfortune / pain / disease is your own fault.  (Unless you are Nmom, then it's always somebody else's fault)

2.  Tell outsiders that everything is wonderful.   Spin the truth as hard as you need to.

3.  Avoid confrontation.  Use triangulation and silent treatment instead.

I guess it all goes with the 'perfect' facade.    :P

74
Chosen Relationships / Re: The Closure Conundrum
« Last post by Lovely on Today at 01:32:18 PM »
I needed some closure.  I did something terribly sneaky with my BPD man just for the sake of closure.  I had tried to break it off with him, but he just wouldn't let me go. (stalking)  I closed all accounts and then I found that you could send an email anonymously online with a bogus account that self destructs after the person opens the message and finishes reading it.  I told him EVERYTHING that I felt I needed to say.  He had no way of contacting me after and it felt glorious getting it off my chest. 
75
Chosen Relationships / Re: Blood Boiling
« Last post by gary on Today at 01:27:02 PM »
Hi timetothrive

  Why are PD's so sure of themselves and so quick to judge and condemn others?  My stbxPDH sits upon his pedestal of amazingness and judges and condemns me like he is God himself.  Every fault...every crack in my integrity, character, cleanliness, parenting...whatever...is fodder for his judgment.  Why can he not look at himself and work on his issues when we are just 30 days out from being 100% divorced?  WHY am I the target for his wrath?  I have made and continue to make mistakes in life (aren't we human last I checked) but WHY does he comment, criticize, judge and find fault in EVERYTHING??  It is debilitating.  And if I ignore it and don't respond  -  then I am "deflecting, avoiding and ignoring" the issues he wants to discuss -which is generally ME.

  Anything you attempt and have attempted is just jumping down the rabbit hole.

Everything you described is text book behavior.

  Just to make it short...a pat answer would be because of their extreme self protecting black and white thinking.

In order to admit just one thing would actually mean to them that not only were they wrong on that moment but means they must have been wrong in all moments of the relationship and always will be.

They just can't do that.
76
Yes Rosie, we are all here for each other. No judging or finger pointing. I love coming to ootf. It is my safe haven.

PS: Sorry about all the typos. I got so carried away I forgot to proof read.
77
Dylan,  you do not state where you are having treatment but  your options in most places will be more limited as you age.  Psych units, rehab units, group therapies will want anti-social diagnosis off their unit, and fast, because as you point out, you are not interested in the plan and will disrupt others. Those involved with you, like family/friends will be told to contact police over problems. I hope you find a behavior plan that works and improves your life.
78
Chosen Relationships / Re: Blood Boiling
« Last post by Hopeful on Today at 01:08:30 PM »
I agree with Kestrel - you have a right to be mad! His words are absolutely infuriating. But when you think about it for a while, it's kind of sad.  He has been lying to himself for years, and he is continuing to lie to himself. And because of his self-lies, his life is always going to be full of disasters. You, on the other hand, are leaving the insanity behind and getting away from his disasters, and you can make the rest of your life into whatever you want.

His life, on the other hand, will be "a tale told by an idiot: full of sound and fury, signifying nothing," as Shakespeare said.

And that's all his words are. Just "sound and fury" put out for no other reason than to keep building this protective fence around himself that actually is causing his own collapse.
79
Unchosen Relationships / DH and MIL Traveling Together
« Last post by mspallaton on Today at 01:04:43 PM »
Hi all!

Things have been going pretty well since the anniversary letter from NFIL and NSMIL -- DH chose radio silence and he does struggle with the lack of closure, but he's in a good place about the decision not to break NC.  He had held onto hope for a while that his father would apologize for how he treated DH and the things he let NSMIL get away with, but the anniversary note basically sealed that as a no... so semi-NC has officially gone to full NC.  Both are blocked on FB, all mail is gonna be thrown away etc...

While that's good, enMIL is still an issue.  She's been quiet and DH has been practicing MC and not letting himself get baited.  Here's the issue.  DH and I are moving (for good reasons - that part is nice) and as part of the move we need to get a car from out current location to our new one.  You may see where this is going -- DH can travel, but I need to work and it's a two day, all day drive.  Our only real option for a copilot was MIL and she wanted to do something to help out.  Unfortunately, that sticks DH and MIL in a car (with no escape) for two whole days and without backup for DH.

Any suggestions on what DH should do if MIL tries to reopen the conversation?  I know people sometimes naively think that flying monkeys mean well when the don't, but MIL really is the type.  It stinks because I can see that it pains her that DH and NFIL don't have a relationship anymore -- it's just, well, 51% rule -- DH's needs outweigh hers on this one.  DH is a little freaked out about the close quarters for that long so I was hoping you guys might have some ideas he can put in his toolbelt for the ride.  Thanks all!
80
Chosen Relationships / Re: Got my first hoover, yay!.... NOT.
« Last post by Julie on Today at 01:03:44 PM »
Julie, were you with anyone else during your off periods with your N? How did he react to that?

I feel like my N is the "I don't want you, but I don't want anyone else to have you either.." type. I haven't dated anyone since the N left but I suspect that when I do, it will throw him off balance.

Oh yes, he was very very upset when I was with other men.  He would call me, or we would get together to meet and talk, and he was obviously super stressed and anxious.  That was another reason all this was so confusing. I thought if he was upset by that then maybe it meant he really loved me and was ready to make a commitment.  Not so. I think it was just the stress of losing control of his N supply
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