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Chosen Relationships / Re: Don't know how much more I can take
« Last post by livinginmyhead on Today at 09:25:46 AM »
I did go to urgent care when I was extremely sick. I had a fairly high fever for me.  I had a mouth sore that wouldn't heal so I thought maybe it got infected or something.  In February, I had surgery to remove that tissue for biopsy.  (no cancer just moderate dysplasia and I quit smoking in November)  They tested me for the flu because I was having flulike symptoms but I didn't have the flu.  They gave me antibiotics and I started to feel a little better.

Maybe it is just a string of really odd coincidences.  It is strange how I got so sick for so long but maybe I needed to change my thyroid meds.  I did that around mid January, cut out all the stuff that can be tampered with and only drink water that comes out of the dispenser on the fridge.

He did drive me to the doctor when I went but I absolutely do not want to go to a hospital.  If I am given anything in a hospital while staff is not looking, I may not be able to tell anybody what I suspect.  If I go down in the hospital, they won't do an autopsy if I am under a doctor's care and they won't test me for anything bad like that unless someone tells them to.

Good grief, I do sound crazy.

I am fairly calm and collected though.  Just kind of going along from one day to the next doing what has to be done.

Maybe it is just a long series of awful coincidences.
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Thank you all for taking time to reply to my post. He asked for the opportunity to apologize and though I listened, try to keep my heart guarded. Being guarded made me feel a bit fake so I tried to remain neutral but intent and positive. I think he clearly noticed and has been reaching out more than halfway, asking for my feelings, etc. I didn't have words to express my feelings, though, so I continued on ambiguously. Perhaps that was a missed opportunity on my part.

I'm thinking about what you all have said here and the future of this relationship. It hurts me because I really do think he is a good person and it is hard, being a fixer, to think that I will have to walk away from a friend.


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Hi Cenzi - glad to see you continuing to reach out like this during this really painful time. We moved your post and questions from The Welcome Mat and over here for the best opportunity for support.

I was thinking as I read this and your intro post that what you are experiencing sounds very much like a classic Idealize, Devalue, Discard cycle that I have experienced with a undiagnosed (u)PD person. Someone I believe is most likely uBPD/NPD. The control issues and the overtaking of your life, the intensity of the relationship, the deep and almost instant connection - the soul mate we believe we have found. All too familiar.

Then the other aspects of the cycle when we begin to assert healthy boundaries and limits on them is like suddenly running into a brick wall of abuse - harsh and terrible treatment, blame and then cold indifference. It is an incredibly painful experience and I am so sorry you are going through this. You are right to ask yourself if this person is even capable of authentic, emotionally mature, reciprocal love and relationship with another person where there is security and freedom and respect.

Some links to articles that may help explain the cycle that I have since learned is so prevalent in relationships with PD people that once you understand what has happened to you it helps to know there is no understanding it or making sense of what is without logic or reasoning what comes from a deeply broken place in another person that we cannot possibly fix with our loyalty and love.

http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/idealize-devalue-discard-the-dizzying-cycle-of-narcissism-0325154

https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/idolise-devalue-discard-the-3-phases-of-narcissistic-abuse-part-1/

Another thing that the second article touches on that you may be experiencing is the after math of trauma bonding. I found understanding this concept helped me get some peace over why I was compelled to go toward someone who was emotionally and verbally abusing me and ripping my heart out by their actions. Seemingly without genuine remorse. It made no sense. Understanding trauma bonding helped make sense of that almost overwhelming compulsion and it might be helpful for you as well.

https://www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Survivors/trauma_bonding.html

I can say there is day light at the other side of this, but it takes time to grieve and move through your experiences and feelings around it all. Have you thought of talking with a therapist for some face to face support as well?  I found that to be a further support and help coming OOTF and healing.

Keep sharing with the community here and keep coming back. It really does help lighten the load! :hug:
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Separating & Divorcing / Re: Dating a Sociopath-Looking for Support
« Last post by BlueyedChik7 on Today at 09:23:39 AM »
shell92127-
     Wow just Wow thank you for that article it is very powerful! I think that he thought he could break me down until I started questioning him and his actions. His go to when I question him he always goes to "girls are crazy".  I am more pissed at myself for allowing myself to be so caught up that I didn't see what was happening sooner-who knew Trauma bonding was a real thing and it is exactly how I feel. When he doesn't call or text I feel this strong urge to reach out to him. That is until recently within the last few weeks when I just had enough! More to come.
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That's a good way of looking at it.  I feel that this is what I am doing with my mother.  And you are right that people do not understand the pain in keeping a PD person in our lives.  I always felt judged for my choice, but not anymore.  The effects that my mother has had on me is crazy making.  Sometimes it is insidious and hard to explain.  Being demeaned and invalidated for a lifetime is hard to explain to people. I was not physically abused, so trying to get people to understand when the scars are not visible is hard. 

I hope you are doing well, emotionally, in your divorce proceedings.
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Dealing with PD Parents / Re: Making everything about her...
« Last post by FoggyDays on Today at 09:21:17 AM »
Glad you and your hubby are alright EnglishLady! 🙂
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Dealing with PD Parents / Re: Making everything about her...
« Last post by FoggyDays on Today at 09:19:45 AM »
Thanks everyone for the replies (and well wishes!)
Someone replied to her status saying 'does FoggyDays live near there?' Less than 10 minutes later she replied 'no but her husband works near there. So scary' (as if she hadn't already been told he's ok)
This same woman asked if we were ok about 10 hours ago with no response. I suppose a response to that would mean no further replies. 🙄
I'm not NC so I feel awkward about removing her from Facebook but instances like these bring me close.
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Dealing with PD Parents / Re: email battle of wills
« Last post by Spring Butterfly on Today at 09:17:08 AM »
Instead of auto forward setup auto reply that says "you're message has been rejected by the mail server" along with auto delete so you don't even see it. Auto forward keeps the problem going.
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I think everyone here has difficulties with holidays.  For our family it was my uBPDmom requesting holidays be at her one bedroom condo, which is 30 minutes away.  Although the condo is quite large and beautiful, it was not very appropriate to receive both my brother's and our family.  One year my brother and I decided not to fight her.  It was horrible, the kids were young, they were noisy and it was impossible to get them all asleep in one bedroom.  No one was able to talk and the holiday ended early since we all had to put our young tired children to bed for the next day's outings.  My mom never fought us again to have a holiday at her house.  The next year she even asked us to have the holiday at my home.

I don't know what you want exactly, not to attend, push the date to the next weekend or insist your mom comes over.  Regardless it is your choice.  Unless it is problematic due to young children or health reasons, an option could be to make it a one day trip.  You drive up in the afternoon and right after the celebrations leave early to be home by 10pm. The short visit might be enough to solve your problem, like it did for me.  Whatever you want is right!  You choose what is fair and doable for your family and you do that. If your mom insists you can say "You are invited to my brother's home for the holidays, if you choose not to come it is your choice and I will respect it."  Put the blame back to where it belongs.

Have a great holiday!
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Separating & Divorcing / Re: Advice about smear campaign
« Last post by Siren on Today at 09:12:08 AM »
ZDandelion,

She actually talked to me eight years ago when I found her on FB, when he pulled one of his disappearing acts again. I should have listened to her then and the lies she found, and she found the strength to leave ASAP. She also told me stories about what happened with his first wife, again, hindsight being 20/20. For now, I've decided to let him spin and weave and do whatever because looking back, there are clues that this type of stuff was going on behind my back for a decade, and I can't let it deter me from staying away. If I get too worried about it, I will get scared and give up, I think. If it becomes too much, I will have to take legal measures or fight back, which is not going to be cheap, fun, etc., since I'm not a master manipulator like him, but I am smarter and have no need to manipulate anyone. I know what I am. I know who he is, and I know that in the end, God will protect me. Thank you for your encouragement, and I'm so sorry your ex is saying this stuff about you. It's so wrong that it's not even understandable!
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