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Thanks for the replies. The restraining order is for both of us. He can have contact but only on my terms. He chooses not to. Our child is nearly 7. The restraining order is due to him walking through my house with a shot gun and consistently threatening to hurt the people around me. The judge put it in place indefinitely. I'm not trying to keep him away from my child even though there are many many legal and safety reasons I should which I won't go into here. I was wondering why after all that I don't just leave it. If he wants contact with her he can go through the channels to do so. I feel like I am pushing her to see him when she consistently says she doesn't want to and was wondering if anyone else had similar experiences.
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Chosen Relationships / Re: Angry and Hurt
« Last post by Phantom Muse on Yesterday at 04:38:45 PM »
Dear redfish-- you are definitely NOT alone in this!  My relationship with my unBPDSO is often a roller coaster ride.  Some days it's great, and he affirms me (but usually only after a little "begging" on my part), and other days, I feel utterly abandoned.  Today is one of those days, and I am spinning about unsure of what to do next. 

Oneness is right, but it's a tough journey.  I no longer even know how to self-care.  I find myself angry more often than I should be.  I used to have the patience of a saint... no longer!  Not even close.  I feel like the world is falling in around me sometimes.  I understand the pain you are in.

Can you take some time right now-- after you read this-- to do something kind and affirming for yourself?  Go to a movie or take a soothing bath or call a friend?  Some days it is just one day at a time.  I'm not sure if I have the endurance for this sort of thing either, but we are all here and in this together.  This forum is fabulous for that reason-- and many others.

Sending warm thoughts your way.
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Hello everyone, I'm despairing as I write. I've been no contact for 11 months - we live in a small town, our homes are close.

I've been walking on eggshells ever since we split and hyper vigilant. It's a huge strain.

He's a quiet, high functioning BPD. Charming, waif like, brings out the protective instinct in those around him. He meets all the DSM for BPD apart from self harm and suicide.

I'm finding it very difficult to cope with the distorted view people in our town have of him: sweet, lovable, kind, easy going. My experience was of selfishness, emotional cruelty, b&w thinking, manipulation, dissociation, gas lighting, cognitive dissonance and lies.

It's not linear, some times are better than others but often I just don't want to go out in case I run into him or his friends. I've only seen him once during NC but the thought of seeing him with his group, wearing his mask, suspecting that they think I'm a b**** is difficult.

I know this partly stems from my own self-esteem issues and I'm receiving treatment for that. But this evening it's just got to me. I'm at home and lonely because I don't want to be triggered in case I see him at a big "fun" event happening today. Feeling angry with myself, with him and his friends who can't see through the mask.

Does anyone else have experience of this and does it eventually ease?

Thanks.
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I think the only "harm" is that empathy I show will not be shown back to me. I can live with that. I have lived with that. I just don't feel like it today. Maybe I will feel like trying harder tomorrow, knowing it will not be returned when I need it most.

If I know they are incapable of giving something to me that I, in fact, am capable of giving to them, would I not be becoming just like them if I refused to give it to them? Obviously, if doing something exposes my family to harm, then it's a no-brainer. But what about just being nicer to NM than she will ever be to me, IF and WHEN I have the energy and ability to do so?

Or maybe I shoot for the middle. Maybe I think carefully about how much imbalance I can tolerate, how frequently and for how long, and I find that sweet spot where I give enough to live with myself but not so much that I'm totally drained. I realize that may sound cold and calculating, but I just got done with recovering from NOT doing that with uNBPDmil for 20+ years and I'd like to be more careful this time around.
I think you have your answer, you evaluate how much you can give whether empathy or other things and that might shift from day to day, and you shoot for not coming close to feeling drained after you are done giving (you leave like a safety buffer). Giving more than you have and feeling drained in the end is a form of self-harm I and to realize, it meant I was not practicing self-respect. After an interaction with your M where you give, ideally you should  simply be able to resume your own life once it is over. It is not cold or calculating at all it is self-care and self-love. I manage this on most encounters with my F now, I stick to my values but also to my boundaries, which is not always easy to do, and I have decided that just trying means I'm good enough, something my parents have not done and it doesn't sound like your M is doing either. So, just by trying to give any empathy, you are already not like your M never mind your MIL.
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I don't want to derail the thread, but after my uN grandmother died, her stepchild talked about how as an adult, she and her family would receive a single toilet roll by post for Christmas. uNGM was quite wealthy by the way, she just wanted the SG to be reminded of her place.  Sending nothing would have been much less unkind.
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It's all part of the little dance they do. They manipulate, gaslight, and verbally abuse you until you start to show signs of leaving or putting up boundaries. Then they will try to say the nicest things to you or shower you with gifts in an effort to make you think YOU overreacted. They can appear so kind, giving, and charming when it suits them. Don't fall for it. It's all a ploy to suck you back in. It's short lived. As soon as they realize your defenses are down, the abuse begins again. NF did this to me time and again. He messed up and lost for good when he tried it with my children. Keep your guard up and realize that everything is a game to them. They don't love anyone and they have no empathy and they certainly are NOT sorry for their actions!  It's just all one big game and the victims are the pawns. Don't play.
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Hello Everyone, Why is the mask they wear so hard to keep up? Have you any stories about the mask, did you find the mask completely slip of? What is underneath this mask?
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My best friend and her family, some women in the neighbourhood, a teacher I had, an older sibling.
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Chosen Relationships / Re: Is it me or these are things BPD says
« Last post by Rainstorm on Yesterday at 04:09:43 PM »
Quote
I've caught him studying me - just sits there and stares at me (I ignore him).
My uPDh does that too, and I hate it. He can read me like a book and I try to keep my face neutral but he is so good at noticing the tiniest detail. He used to complain about my facial expressions and the tone of my voice but hasn't done that for a long time now. 
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I would decline politely. Do not feel obligated and do not jade. I would never be ok with hosting a bunch of hubby's PD relatives. Having to have his parents over is bad enough. It's always best to be able to leave if the PD behaviour gets out of hand, and you can't do that if it's at your house. 

As an aside, my hubby's Aunt on his Nmom's side is probably an N too.  The second time I met her she told me she was going to visit us sometime to see my baby again.  Didn't ask, told me.  Um, what?  I told hubby how  :stars: I thought she was and thankfully they have never tried dropping in (they live closer than NMIL, about a 7 hour drive).  If they ever did try dropping in unannounced, I would want to send them packing to a hotel. Thankfully neither of them is that far gone yet, but I worry about when they get older. 
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