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Met mine at 28, married and had a baby within 2 years. Never heard the term NPD until maybe 2 years ago but if I knew then... My own suggestion was for (almost exh) to get counseling on his own. He refused over and over, even lied that he had done so after I filed for divorce.

I know my life would have been more peaceful without him and my mental health would have been better, but we are all different. At least you are aware of what may be going on and I hope your bf will be reaponsive to you and show concern for yoi and your choices. You deserve that!!
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Separating & Divorcing / Re: Relief- but how to move on
« Last post by Stumbleon on Today at 12:45:55 AM »
I think any moments of peace and happiness are a gift. Of course we have to stay on guard for additional harassment or maneuvers (in the thick of it during divorce), but there are lighter moments and it gives me a glimpse of what I hope my future will be like...
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Working on Us / Re: How to reclaim/rebuild what they broke...
« Last post by mdana on Today at 12:21:58 AM »
This wound has never healed...
Anyone know how I can heal?

Hi Oneness

Probably when we quit giving them all the credit for what happened to us.

As I have always believed but maybe there are exceptions is that we were not just smooth sailing all along in calm waters until this certain someone came along and capsized us.

Maybe the healing is in deeper waters long before the wake this person is leaving behind.

This was true for me. Before the trauma and pain related to my ex, came a bunch of clutter, confusion and reactivity from my childhood.

So much I didn't know about myself  back the (let alone PD's). I'm 100% certain that if I had half the wisdom and self-love back then that I have now,  I would never have been married to my ex.

M
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Hello Phantom!

It sounds like you are making nice progress with your therapist - good job! 💟

IME, it is of utmost importance to keep the ball rolling in this positive direction, where you are taking care of you and your child.

Like you, I  have been learning how to love myself and feel worthy of things the average healthy person takes for granted, so I understand how foggy things can get when it comes to balancing compassion for one's self and for our PD SO - especially at times when the SO is in an especially needy or vulnerable situation.

Boundaries are the issue as you so aptly stated, and are crucial to set and maintain right now.

It's taken until now for me to understand that boundaries are the manifestation of one's level of self-love and self-respect.  Boundaries are literally what defines who you are .... What differentiates you from all others....What makes you unique.  They are what make you, you. 

By honoring them, you show how much you love and respect you have for yourself.  Honoring them means knowing what is important to you and making choices that reflect these values.  It means giving importance and priority to your feelings.  It also means that you hold others accountable when they knowingly - or unknowingly - violate them.

In making choices for yourself and your child that reflect what YOU really want and need, you will be taking charge...making a stand..and reclaiming your Self.

If I were in your shoes, I would HONOR your feeling of discomfort (at the thought of PD having access to your home - for ANY reason) by saying you aren't comfortable with this degree of closesness, and "I'm sorry, but No... I'm not going to allow you access to my home."

To help with feelings of guilt that crop up, I sometimes ask myself "What would my uBPD/Nh do if he had some crisis to manage and I genuinely was not available??  What if I were called out of town?  Had a flat tire?  My phone died?" 

The answer is he would find another way!

He probably wouldn't like it....Things would probably be more difficult to manage....And, he'd probably blame me...But his displeasure is always present anyway, so what have I got to lose, really?

In your caee, you'd at least have gour own private haven away from him and he could do his ranting at HIS place - wherever that is.

By the way, it is AMAZING the resources that show up when they are truly needed.  You are not in a position - IMO - to provide him an easy way out of his situation.

If you really want to help him, sticking to your boundaries will do just that because it will force him to take responsibility for his choices.

My thoughts and prayers are with you, Phantom.

You are doing wonderfully... Hold strong and don't let him breach your safe haven!

Love n Hugs,

HopefulOne44 🌼

P.S. Edited to add that your concern about your PD ending up a few doors down didn't escape my attention.  I do empathize with having to see his car, etc... and dealing with that trigger.

However, I do feel that if you hold strong and take stand with regards to maintaining your privacy as it currently stands, you will begin to feel more empowered and dare I say, initiate healing from within.  You will begin to feel stronger and this perhaps might ease the strain him moving close by might impose on you.

Keep posting... We're here for you!

Blessings 💟

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Dealing with PD In-Laws / Re: Surprise pregnancy
« Last post by kiwihelen on Today at 12:12:30 AM »
Does your husband stand up to his brother over bad behaviour towards you?
This is a minimum. Does he understand why you dislike the behaviour of members of his family?
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Working on Us / What to do when you may have to see them.
« Last post by Mapleleaf14 on Today at 12:11:59 AM »
A while back, my PD's dad died and I was able to stay out of the orbit on that one. My PD was at one point my mother's step sister but no longer. So, it wasn't too strange for me to skip the funeral. Unfortunately, there was a death in my side of the family this week, which means I will have to go to a funeral that will probably involve my PD against the family's wishes.  My aunt who is in charge of the arrangements is 100% against my PD coming and we are on the same page with that.

How do I deal with that?  I am feeling strong enough to the point that I think I could go and not get pulled into anything but I am, nonetheless, terrified. 

I must say, she is a master manipulator unlike anything I have ever seen before. She masterfully hoovered one of my family members onto her side after years of alternating NC/screaming fights between them. Now they are "best friends", which is why I fear that she will be at the funeral, tagging along with that person.  I feel that I might need a single therapy session just to talk through this scenario so that I am 100% sure of my role at the funeral and any diversion tactics she might play.  Would it be stupid to write those things down on an index card and take them with me?  Or put them in my phone?  What if I melt under the pressure?
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Actually, I have sort of the opposite problem.

My pds insist on ds9 going to lessons/practices/games even if he's sick and needing bed rest.  It's especially hard when the activity is on my time. They don't believe me when I say he's too sick to go.  Fortunately it doesn't happen too often.

If they had their way he'd be out every night of the week at some ongoing committed activity.

AOD
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Working on Us / Re: How to reclaim/rebuild what they broke...
« Last post by Dusty55 on Yesterday at 11:51:44 PM »
I don't know if this will help, but approximately 7 years ago, it really helped me.

I was in a 23 year marriage, that picked up from the way I was raised (groomed), and went way beyond.

Just getting my wits together and walking out of that was nothing short of miraculous.  He was the first one that jerked me OOTF.

For a long time afterwards, it really bothered me. I found myself unable to sleep, just laying there dwelling on things he said and did...thinking to myself that I wouldn't even treat my dog that way... and literally, I  wouldn't .

When I finally started to get past all that (and 23 years is a looooong time), was when it hit me.  I don't WANT to understand that. How a person could treat another human being so crappy for years on end.  I'm  actually GLAD that I do not understand it.

It doesn't keep me up at night anymore, and rarely do I even think about that now. Don't have to explain to anyone.   

All I need to do now is apply that same thing to the 2 "people" who brought me into this world, because coming OOTF  with that was much harder, and left me feeling like a lost orphan.
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We had the same problem with SD.
I mean even if we got SD involved in something, BM would sabotage it so bad, that we had to pull SD out of an activity, we finally got her interested in..
I say, "we finally got her interested in" because SD knew she could never commit because BM could never.. And lets face it, when they are children, the parents need to be responsible as well....
I had SD interested in the Google Doodle one year.. Her response to me at final descison if she was going to enter was, "well my mom is never go to help me, or follow through with this, and I wont be able to take my stuff to her house to work on, because it will get lost" .
I really think it is a PD trait. They are irresponsible. Period
I feel being encouraging and doing what you do in your home will one day show them. No sense in changing the PD.
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Chosen Relationships / Re: What about your PD will you not miss the most?
« Last post by mosh17 on Yesterday at 11:36:08 PM »
Love this post! Just what I needed. On month 2 of no contact and feeling like I want to go back... every time I get that feeling I remind myself of what I will not miss!!

1. The constant criticism, teasing, ridicule
2. Feeling like I ALWAYS cared for him so much more than he did for me
3. Holding him up on the highest pedastol when he wouldn't give me a second glance
4. How he would go from saying I am selfish and terrible to him and then that I am too needy and obsessed with him
5. Having to beg him to go to any family or friend event
6. His excessive drinking. Every single weekend!!!!!!!!!! Omg!!!!
7. How he would IGNORE me all the time. Through texts and even in real life too!!!
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