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I'm torn.. I know I'm being given the silent treatment..but I want to talk to her and the kids...she left a post where I am able to comment on, given its likely a trap. ( Hoover/no win)

But in typical silent treatments it is best to wait for them to come talk  first on their term?  My  concern is not feeding the HPD may push her father away in the abandonment rejection thing..ughhhh

The Aunts told me last  night, the day they found this happened when she left to go back to a abuser, ( how much of his story is true) --They both called her out, and told her she  broke my heart, and how could she do this the one she loves the most in the entire world.. Etc... About the kids, and the life they have known here, with me and their mother.. They actually accused her of being just like her and she didn't block them..

I believe this is the worst punishment she thought of.. Plan,  Leave me, deceitfully, to man I hate, ( based on her stories) and his known  non  actions, throw her undergarments in the garbage to make a point,  and leave clues.. To where she is going.. Tell the Aunts she loves him,   (Perceived intimate relationship) tells me a different excuse read past posts..that along with Facebook post that include loving blehhh comments visible, be her ex.. The aunts state the mush crap has died down, and he doesn't comment on much if any of her posts.. ( he did not comment on her activity post and I know she is praise seeking in that department. ) that's why I do want to LIKE her  post.   I like what she is making. . 

It angered me last night, knowing that she knew she broke my heart, and still did this, but I know it is PD thing.. They and I and everyone close to us, state she will be back. They tell me they have seen great changes in me, and that I' m ready to do what has to be done for the kids and herself.. I can be supportive and nurturing, and I do maintain my boundaries, and enforce them.

The naysayer will say...but it is a chosen relationship, and I have seen the very best of this lovely woman and now seeing the worst.. One definitely outweighs the other..
Dealing with PD Parents / Re: Hinting at cancer
« Last post by turtlemama on Today at 07:51:41 AM »
Wow, just WOW.  You are not alone.  I was not aware either that there was the medical hoover manipulation technique.

My uNPDh would always complain that he was dying and that it was all MY fault because I didn't care about him.  He was medically cleared and there was nothing wrong with him.  My therapist told me later that since the PD is hurting mentally they may express it as physical ailments.

Then after we separated and I had a protection order against him he sent me texts saying this certain medical issue was back and that the doctor said it might be CANCER.  Cue tears.  That he was going to an oncologist.  Of course he did this on a holiday I was celebrating with my family, I called him crying, and was sucked in.  How he wanted to set up a trust for our son when he was gone (dead). 

Turns out it was all a big lie.  No oncologist appointment, nothing.  Protection order was dropped. 

Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.  Also, uNPDh was a pathological liar, and this was very hard for me to realize that almost everything he tells me is a lie.  It's sad.

I'm sorry you're going through and she is manipulating you like that.
Working on Us / Re: My journey
« Last post by pippilangstrumpf on Today at 07:28:30 AM »
I'm relatively new to this site but what you wrote really connects with my own experience. It was a pyschologist I was made to see after I had a mental break down who first mentioned "narcissism". I had a vague idea that something wasn't right with my ex because I had spoken to his past girlfriends and they all had horrible stories, and his most recent ex told me to do a google search on "bpd". I said barely anything to my pyschologist before she told me he was probably a narcissist... and then she said "so surround yourself with people who will tell you he's an a**hole!"

Oh man, processing all these emotions the past year has been intense. For a while I thought I was fine, and then boom, it all came crashing back down on me and I sought a very holistic, alternative type of help with crazy crystals and energies... as a bit of a hippy I was able to really take a lot out of this kind of "witch doctor" therapy. The pyschologist taught me how to deal with the anxiety and the panic attacks I was initially experiencing, but this next woman taught me how to truly love myself and step out of my confused shell into a more self assured person.

But the journey of realising my co-dependence has barely begun. I realised in the after math of my break up that so many issues were actually stemming from childhood (an idea I always dismissed because it's so cliche). As my mother left when I was young and then entered my life only when she needed emotional support while dealing with her alcoholic boyfriend, and my primary caregiver is a very emotionally challenged man who was often quite sick and almost ate himself to death... I didn't grow up in an abusive household, I was very very very very free to do whatever I pleased. As a result I didn't feel the need to push boundaries and do drugs/drink alcohol. I had fun with friends and I studied hard and I felt for a while that because I was quite a "mature" person that I was fine and my parents hadn't influenced me negatively..

... but I have since realised that there is so much pain from my childhood. And that has defintiely come to light recently since I had to temporarily move back in with my primary caregiver while I transition between houses. I realised again just how little love is shown in my family. I'm sure that my mum loves me deep down - she's just too preoccupied with her own agenda - and I see glimpses of how my caregiver cares for me when he speaks about me to other people... but the words "I love you", hugs or reassurances are not and were never offered in my house.

I'm mostly scared about all these feelings and it's overwhelming to realise that they've been lying dormant in me all these years. I'm still somewhat devastated about the relationship with my ex-narc, but at least I've started this journey of understanding why I allowed myself to be in an abusive relationship. And I am quite a maternal person, so I'm really excited about the prospect of having kids, owning a farm with lots of animals, having a great loving partner who respects me and I'm open about the possibility of this in my future... so if I want all of that stuff then I'm going to have to make sure that I'm okay with me first, otherwise I'll continue to put myself in that cycle of abuse!

As for "Why did I want it back?" well... it's been covered before how good pds make us feel initially with their love-bombing techniques. I think it's hard to overcome that. It's hard to accept that idea that no normal relationship will function that way and will make you feel that way.

goodluck! we're all in this together
Dealing with PD Parents / Re: Hinting at cancer
« Last post by Spring Butterfly on Today at 07:22:42 AM »
 :doh:  :blink:  :unsure:
This is such a minor thing compared to what a lot of you are going through.
First there's no such thing as minor when it comes to PD, it's all the same boat different trip. Comparisons are futile. Your nightmare is yours and it's still a nightmare, your personal nightmare.

Getting roped in? Yup. Not sure how it happens either but before you know it things are back on the PD desired schedule. You're doing good catching things quickly and seeing the pattern. Those things are best nipped in the bud right away as you are as soon as you become aware and the more we let it happen and do the classic forehead slap the more we knock ourselves into reality and sooner rather than later as we get used to catching the patterns. Good catch!

Cancer hints? Yup. Same playbook. I call that one medical Hoover with a twist. Classic move.

Yup the MC counter move "play along "Sorry, I hope you feel better" and change the subject." Spot on, you got this!

But it is crazy making and easy to fall into ruminating, letting them rent space in our head, scoop up our life for themselves even if we're not physically giving it to them it's still taking our life away from us. I review the toolbox topic working on yourself frequently and have a handy checklist to review often to be sure I'm focused. Not sure if that sort of thing is helpful or not for you but it works for me.

I got sucked into a texting binge the other day, seems once the crack in the dam is seen it just sort of starts to burst. Plugged that sucker as soon as I spotted it and shut the phone off without ever explaining why I dropped off for a few hours. They don't even ask anymore it happens all the time and it's viewed as Spring Butterfly's normal MO, she disappeared again. As long as there's contact there will be holes in the dam that need plugging and a sentinel to stand watch looking for minor leaks in the boundaries.

Hang in there, you're not alone!
I agree on the "easier to manipulate" and "no history" part. My NM tries to get everything through my SIL, but now that my SIL is starting to set boundaries it's messing things up.

With H's uNBPDm, I was always the super nice, easy to deal with person, totally accommodating, totally accessible, always, always nice. H had a shallow and rather cool (temp) relationship with his parents. H knows that all it would take to shut down all interactions is to turn them all over to H, as his parents would rather not interact with him. Terribly sad but true. Maybe it would work for you.
Oh my goodness I can sooooo relate to this!!!! This is me all the time and it makes me feel crazy! I tend to forget and go back to my previous mode, and feel like maybe I was overreacting before- then when things happen again, I want to end it all and get out of the relationship desperately- like a caged animal seeking freedom...But then I end up doing just what you said- just forgetting and then putting in the back of the mind, because he begins acting nice and I get so confused.
they may attempt to resume contact as if nothing had happened

This has definitely been the pattern with her.  I guess time will tell as to whether she gives up eventually.  I've not maintained NC before, but I know it's the best thing I can do for me :)
Common Behaviors / Re: Do you get nightmares?
« Last post by kiwihelen on Today at 06:48:56 AM »
Top Tip for lucid dream control.
When you think you are in a dream look for something to read. if you can't read it is a dream and you can either choose to leave it (wake up) or become an observer in the dream.
I had horrible violent vivid nightmares. I learned the reading trick by accident. Noe if I have similar I can either stop them or observe for the subconscious message
My DD was a terror when she would come home from NMIL's house after sleepovers.  DD was about 4 at the time and I always chalked it up to the age.  Oddly enough, she never acted so badly after sleeping over at my mom's.  After we went NC with NMIL, my DD's behavior drastically improved.

I think your bf is smart to distance himself from his mother.  Any 'family' meeting I've ever had with NMIL either turned into myself or H losing it with her and then of course we looked like the bad guys. 

I would really try to avoid being a buffer between your MIL and your BF.  That seems like what you are right now, even though I am sure you are not intentionally doing it.  My NMIL loved me being the contact person to see our DD because she knew that I was easier to manipulate than my H.  The funny thing mom would never call my H to see if she could take my DD's to the movies, so why was NMIL always calling me to see our DD's?  She would claim it was because I, as a woman, ran the schedule for the household so she was taking it right to the source.  In reality, she didn't want to deal with H because she could never get along with him and her and I didn't have the history she had with H, so I was easier to manipulate. 

I'd turn all contact about your son over to your BF.  His mom, his problem. 

He could read my mind

That is impossible because an N has no empathy, what you saw was him mirror your feelings and emotions and you mistakenly took them for his.

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