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In my experience they don't see it as having dignity or not.   They just use people to pump for information they feel entitled to have. 

Sorry you have this going on.
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Oh dear, what horrible behaviour.  Protect yourself by staying well clear.  All I see from them is severe mental illness.

Glad you are expressing yourself here.
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I would be doing exactly the same, KittyKat.  They sound like misery and chaos.   
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Working on Us / Creating new memories with SGB
« Last post by Malini on Today at 03:10:42 AM »
SGB and I are into our 4th year of NC with PD parents. Before, triangulation, manipulation etc ended in him moving out of the neighbouring house and us being estranged for a long while (to the glee of NM). He hated me and I couldn't bear to be in his presence despite having practically helped raise him when he was younger.

A lot of healing has gone on in the past 3 years, and we are now in a good and healthy place, which is great for us, but also for our kids. So when we meet, we try not to speak about our shared past, but sometimes slip up, and invariably reminisce about this or that drama, abuse etc, I think because only we truly understand what it was like to be raised by these crazy people and the mad dysfunction.

He recently turned 50 and I planned a surprise weekend getaway for him and his wife and me and DH. It was a lovely trip, he was visibly moved and we had a lot of fun together, laughing and enjoying each other's company without the shadow of our parents hanging over us.

It got me thinking that in the past 3 years, we have made a subconscious effort to recreate new memories for our families and ourselves. We've been to our kids graduations, we've celebrated ours and our kids birthdays, I even gave in to my fears and had them over for Xmas lunch last year, I've had days out with his girls and he's spent sport weekends with my boys.

So this weekend, when we were chatting, we reminisced about these newer, happy memories and didn't dig as much into the family memory chest of dysfunction as we have in the past.

As much as the thought of spending time with him and his family was really triggering for me (because every family celebration in the past resulted in drunken or not drama, tears, abuse and me feeling sick to my stomach) , etc creating these new memories has been an important part of my healing and moving on.
It's tangible proof that people can change and trust can be rebuilt. It's an example where forgiveness can lead to reconciliation and highlights even more the differences in my Narents behaviour to the whole story and underscores the fact that NC is the only way to go with them.

Sounds obvious, but it really struck home now and just wanted to share a positive story (in my case, for a change).  :wave:
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Chosen Relationships / Re: There are good people out there!
« Last post by Overview1 on Today at 03:08:55 AM »
I think there are far more good people than there are bad, but that is coming from a pretty sheltered viewpoint. I've only really had one or two toxic people in my life.

I do a bit of running and the support out there is just amazing. I remember doing a half marathon recently and at the end I was just so fed up I started walking (which I never do), and a guy ran up behind me and urged me on. Didn't know me, but his words were enough for me to get over my little dummy spit and carry on running.

During a recent traffic incident, my entire family was stranded about 30km from home. We had no way of getting back there and all public transport was stopped. A lady overheard me talking about where we lived and said her husband was coming to pick her up and he'd drop us home. That was me, my ex husband, my two children and the ex N's son. Just like that. Really sweet.

I also try to be mindful towards strangers now, that is what the N left me with :) If you have something kind or positive to say, then say it. It might just be 'hey, great pair of shoes' or 'isn't it a glorious day'. Because you don't know what others are living with and one kind word might just be what they need at that very moment. A bonus is you get to feel good too :)
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Working on Us / Re: Stubborn and Strong-Willed??
« Last post by Scout on Today at 03:05:30 AM »
Stubborn and  strong-willed are things that pwPD call you when you are not capitulating to their wants and desires.  Usually these epithets are just projection.

 :yeahthat:

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Chosen Relationships / Re: Detoxing/CD?
« Last post by Overview1 on Today at 03:02:55 AM »
No, the crazy side is a drug addict. I know I do well for the first few weeks and then miss talking to him.

I saw him today, walked into a shop, he saw me and bolted, but not before turning around. I then left the shop too (I was just dropping my keys off to a friend), and I started running towards the direction he'd driven in. He was about 300m away, pulled over, I thought he'd bolt by the time I got to him, but he didn't. Continued to sit there until I was passed, then he drove off. So freaking weird. Maybe he was texting, I don't know. But it unsettled me seeing him :( He completely ignored me in the shop. That hurt.
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Common Behaviors / Re: Selective empathy
« Last post by Scout on Today at 02:59:53 AM »
I've learned a little about my wife's diagnosis which she adamantly denies, which I've also learned is a hallmark of BPD, but there's one thing that puzzles me. Just today I sat through courtroom testimony by a Dr. of Psychology who evaluated my son and he spoke repeatedly of a lack of empathy for those who suffer from ASPD, which is part of my wife's co-morbidity. His reference was concerning my son whom he said this disorder was not present, in fact quite the opposite, his sensitivity was very great for others, so much so he thought very little of his own needs and desires.

My question is regarding my wife. She seems to have extraordinary selective empathy for those outside of the family, mainly those who are more what I would call projects, those she can "help", but none for those closest to her. I understand that BPD is rated on a sliding scale and her diagnosis was just above the clinical range, however this lack of empathy can be "flattening" to those in the family. Verbally and behaviorally at times it can be best described as the rape of personal dignity, which can break a child's spirit and drive most adults away. Yet her projects see her as a second mother, a saint, a godsend.

I see a possible reason for this apparent contradiction. 

Most people assume a wife and mother of an intact, outwardly happy family is caring & empathetic.  She's . . . not.  This leaves her with plenty of time to take on vanity "projects" that make her look superhuman--in light of the assumption that she is just as hardworking with the caretaking of her family.  What a stroke for her ego.  :-\

Quote
This is all very confusing and one of our little ones is exhibiting behavior that suggest it is effecting her. At five years old, she calls herself fat (shes not, and this is something my now 20 year old son did at fourteen and he was skinny as a rail), and she also calls herself stupid and just tonight she asked me to hit her because she did something any five year old would do that was a bit aggravating. She felt as if she should be punished for being tired.   

That's very disturbing.  To say such things at 5 years old is years early for that particularly dangerous form of self-criticism.  (Is she parroting Mom?) Can you get therapy for the 5 year old? 

I echo kiwihelen when I say I am worried about your children.
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The Welcome Mat / Re: sleep deprivation
« Last post by Scout on Today at 02:46:29 AM »
Glad to see you post, but I'm sorry to see your Mom is so ill.  Regarding getting lost at the bar . . . have you look up AA in your area, in case you want some likeminded company?  You could see what the options are in your zip code without committing to it, but knowing it's there might feel good.

:hug:
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Common Behaviors / Re: Narcs and their "advice"...
« Last post by thegirleastlikely on Today at 02:45:36 AM »
I'm not packing the way he wants/using boxes he thinks are best/putting my stuff in a certain room of my new flat he thinks is damp .

........Anyone relate?

I have experienced this identical interaction. Literally identical. About boxes. It's absurd. And if you said it to a person with no PD experience they wouldn't understand how this could illicit such rage.

My Nmum is particularly adverse to any kind of labour but has boundless energy to watch and critique everyone else doing it incorrectly.

I find saying " Why don't you show me how?" offering to hand her the sponge/bucket/heavy box/grocery bags makes her huff and turn tail.
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