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Common Behaviors / Re: PD people and music
« Last post by Nihilist Militant on Today at 12:48:37 AM »
My mother, who exhibits behaviors consistent with borderline personality disorder, listens to stuff like James Taylor, Robin Thicke, Sugar Ray, the Beatles, and the Monkees. Her favorite singer has been Nick Lowe for some time. Also, for some strange reason she enjoys a couple of OutKast singles from like 2004. I have no problem with this, but I believe a bigger concern was how she regarded my music taste. Among the myriad of things that she dehumanizes me for, such as my weight, sexuality, emotional health, etc. she also included my preference for extreme metal music. She would repeatedly bash on me for wearing t-shirts for metal bands (also confiscate them and cut them down the chest with a pair of scissors while I was asleep), and characterized the entire genre in an astoundingly ignorant mindset (apparently all the bands scream and worship Satan), even in spite of a great evidence I showed her to the contrary.

I don't think it's *what* they listen to, but--sometimes--*how* they do it.   For example, the fact that one PD mentioned above insisted on playing his own musical choices even at others' dinner parties.  Or the DSS, whose PD hates anything DSS likes, because the act of disagreement and the implicit criticism is the important part rather than the actual music playing.

(Forgive me if I don't understand some of the acronyms) Come to think of it, my mom would often play the same song repeatedly, hitting reverse on the CD player in her car the second the track ended to hear it again. You can imagine how infuriating this was when my iPod battery was dead.

More disturbingly, sometimes, when she was completely bonkers, she would crank the radio up to an extremely loud volume and scream along to whatever was playing on the radio, only replacing whatever the lyrics were with similar ones referencing how she was going to kill herself or her entire family - myself included. It may sound ridiculous and laughable on paper but in the moment it was sickening. The mere thought of it makes me cringe. Talk about cruel and unusual punishment, right?
I'm still feel angry at the gullibility of people, believing her lies and not believing me. Not feeling believed continues to be a problem for me.

I am so sorry for what you've been through, Flightinthe sky, and can only say that I totally relate and your words speak very closely to my own situation.  Basically, I offer condolences but don't know that I have the solution to the problem since I'm in the same boat and dealing with the same issues.  Not feeling believed is at times a huge problem for me.  What happens is that sometimes I'm ok and go awhile without thinking of all the history, the cruelty, the unfairness, etc.  But then something triggers me and I'm thrust into this dark vortex of memories, which bringsup a lot of anger for me, anger that is fueled when I think about all the duped people out there who believe my FOO.  Trying to make FOC, but it's a long and sometimes difficult process.  I am also in my 40s and feel blown over by everything I've been through...but also happy to have survived and have cut the toxic ties off at the root (I'm NC with NPD parents and the bulk of FOO now).

Sending hugs your way,
Co-parenting and Secondary Relationships / Re: Disgusting
« Last post by sweetpea79 on Today at 12:36:33 AM »
Hahaha the vomit faces.

Exactly your title.. Disgusting.
Future Goals / Re: What's your mantra lately?
« Last post by Nihilist Militant on Today at 12:30:15 AM »
From the song "Blood Noose (Hog-Tied Like Swine)" by the Canadian war metal band Revenge, off their 2008 album Infiltration.Downfall.Death: "He who walks alone always walks uphill, but beneath his feet are the broken bones of flawed men." I interpret this as: to reject humanity's inherent worthlessness and disgusting conformity in order to forge your own path in life is always a struggle (perhaps the only struggle that matters), but in doing so you are demonstrating your superiority over the maggots that first perpetrated your torment.
Co-parenting and Secondary Relationships / Re: How not to worry...
« Last post by A_newlife2014 on Today at 12:29:53 AM »

It's so draining when these things get dragged out, like they do, with a PD. We just want it to be over. Hang in there.

So what did you think of his proposed agreement? I'm guessing not much, since you're talking mediation. .... and what kind of track is there for the mediation? Is there a mandatory outcome from that, or do you just argue it out, still come to no agreement, and end up in court anyway?

It's a marathon, not a sprint. If stbxh is already dragging his feet, you can be sure he'll stymie everything as much as he can. The only positive is that maybe he'll show his true nutty colors to the degree the mediator/s will pick up on it and slam him for it. That could gain you some ground in court.

Stay strong --
Co-parenting and Secondary Relationships / Re: Disgusting
« Last post by A_newlife2014 on Today at 12:20:56 AM »
Well it's OBVIOUS you don't love your SD, Sweetpea! You just say your goodbyes quietly in the car? Why ... why who will SEE you?

 :barfy: :barfy: :barfy:


Your story reminded me of one other thing I just remembered that NPDxh does -- he always makes it a point and a big deal to tell DS to kiss me goodbye, hug me goodbye, tell me he loves me whatever.

I grit my teeth through this, because 1. Like you, I've already handled by goodbyes with my son, privately, before NPDxh even enters the picture, and 2. I know NPDxh is only doing this for control, to "look" like he's such a great father, "making sure" his son treats me right, respects his mother, etc. but 3. NPDxh doesn't need to do this AT ALL, because DS does it on his own anyway, and if he doesn't, like I said, DS and I have already had our "moment," whatever it was, before NPDxh even came over. Sometimes DS doesn't want to kiss or hug me, and that's fine with me. and 4. Again, this falsely *looks* great to anyone observing on the outside. But it's bullshit. NPDxh is not in control of that moment at all.

And again, this is not just *innocent* or casual offhand statement. This is a very calculated part of the mask. NPDxh thinks that if it weren't for his taking charge of this moment, that it wouldn't happen, and he magnanimously thinks he is a great guy for encouraging this little mother-son exchange. I have no doubt it he were asked to list his attributes in the post-divorce landscape, that him "making sure" that DS kisses me goodbye would make his Top 5 list of ways he is such a great dad, and so great to me.

Separating & Divorcing / Re: Out at last.... is it really?
« Last post by Sunny on Today at 12:20:35 AM »
Dear Bohemian, you are NOT CRAZY!!! Wow I empathize completely. I rented my own place shortly after serving h with divorce summons, and he proceeded to tell me he would have me "locked up in a tiny little cell" if I did not return some monetary gifts along with the divorce that his parents had given me YEARS ago. I heard many other delightful tidbits, such as he would "ruin" and "destroy" me, and asking me if I was worried he would kill me in my sleep.

SOOOO!!! I just posted on another thread that I have prepared a restraining order application about a dozen times, and it brings me comfort that at least applying, and allowing the courts some insight into the disordered world of a r/s with a PD, is just a few steps away.  Maybe it would bring you a degree of emotional security as well if you write down all the incidents you describe, with dates as you remember them, and feel that you have your bearings about you.

Also are you interested in filing for divorce? Or legal separation? The laws may be very different in SA, but in my state in the US, it just takes one party filling out a simple form, and most people cite "irreconcilable differences". The paperwork gets served, many limitations go into place about taking minors out of state, spending down assets, etc, and the ball gets rolling.

To my h, the serving of the divorce petition was a big narcissistic injury, so the fact that you have your own sanctuary is really key if you go that route. Also if you file first in my state, you can build in the initial parenting agreement. Ours is going to be either confirmed or modified in a month or so, but I stated "50/50" and I am having my attorney help me communicate with my stbexh that I intend to enforce that. I don't think your h could keep your DD from you for the lack of a security apparatus...but I am not an expert by any means...however I feel a kinship in that regard as it has taken 2 months to get my new place comfortable enough to my standards for DD.

Well that's all I can think of right now, but it sounds to me like you are on a healthy path!! Wishing you well, hugs, Sunny
Chosen Relationships / Re: omg restraining orders backfire
« Last post by thebutterflyeffect on Today at 12:16:40 AM »
Yes but it seems very rare.

Also would probably suit more the seperating and divorcing section.
The Welcome Mat / My name is not important...
« Last post by Nihilist Militant on Today at 12:14:15 AM »
Good evening. I hope the new year is finding you all well.

I come to this forum hoping I can find compassion and validation (two things I find I do not receive very much in my life) and provide some of my own insight that some may find useful or at least can relate to. I've been diagnosed with Asperger syndrome and major clinical depression, plus I believe I suffer from complex PTSD as well, although no official diagnosis has been given yet. All of these conditions are perpetuated and aggravated by the horrendous circumstances of my upbringing and family life, some of which continue to this day. I could get more into specifics, but seeing that this is only an introductory post I wouldn't want to come off as rambling even more than I already am.

Additionally, right off the bat I would like to apologize for any of my posts to come on this forum coming off as misanthropic, hateful, or defeatist. However, I am only reflecting what has become a daily reality for me, and what I've come to expect.

With that said, if you have any further questions to ask me, feel free to ask them in this thread and I will answer them to the best of my ability.

In hoc signo, te fututam es.
The Welcome Mat / Re: It's never over
« Last post by Rhode on Today at 12:13:50 AM »
All of the violence and tension sounds awful.  I'm sorry you had to go through that.  But I'm glad to hear that you're in therapy and that you have reached out to this forum for support, too.
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