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Going No Contact with a PD Parent / Fallout with my kids
« Last post by Spirit Girl on Today at 06:15:16 PM »
Hi there:
This is my 1st post about my story. I went to therapy over the winter and learned that my mother is NPD (the witch). My father was probably worse but in a different way. He's deceased. Went NC with my NPD M and a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. Happy Happy!

The worst part about learning of her mental state was then I realized how bad of a mother I had been to my kids. It was like a gut punch. I can now see that I had almost no skills as a parent, and many other factors contributed, like an ex-husband who presented himself as the best loving dad every 2nd weekend.

I've been ridden with guilt and shame. I apologized to my kids (they are adults now), and that I was so sorry I hurt them. We had open conversations. Since then they've pushed me away. Very little contact.

My therapist says to not be so available to them, let them develop some respect for me. Once I keep my distance they will become curious and will re-connect.
I think what the therapist is saying is I've little respect for myself (a learned behaviour) therefore my kids don't respect me either.

I'm not sure if I'm seeking advice, but more like if anyone experienced this same situation? Or any particular section of this forum that would help me? Many thanks.
Dealing with PD Parents / Re: Path to Peace
« Last post by Jade63 on Today at 06:15:15 PM »
Agreeing with SoMuchSass.

Phone, visit, and email schedules only worked for a short amount of time. My NM found ways to creep past the established and agreed upon boundries. And when called on it, became increasingly angrier about it all.

They will not cooperate for long as they are above it all.

Chosen Relationships / Re: A differential diagnosis
« Last post by Trixie on Today at 06:11:33 PM »
Oh, he thinks schizotypal disorder!? Does this ring true to you?

This must feel like a very significant step in the right direct. Congrats!
Chosen Relationships / Re: Doomed to over analysing!
« Last post by Trixie on Today at 06:04:42 PM »
It seems by what I've read, listened to and lived the NPD remains the same cruel person and therefore it's like we can see the future of our relationship.

In my experience, NPD's are so hard to leave because when it's good, it's great! But when they start punishing, gaslighting, shaming us... It's unbearable. And we know it will happen again. And it always does.

However, with NPD's, we are not allowed to express our insecurities. No matter how small they are. My NPD seems incapable of being able to understand that I am a human being and emotions are normal. Instead I am punished for even bringing them up.

Oh yes I didn't meant to diminish how bad NPD's can be, rather making a general statement about infidelity.  NPD's really do sound like the worst of the PD's, truly mean & callous individuals, I'm glad to hear you've made the decision to leave & hope this forum helps you along your journey.

I do try and let things go if I can but it doesn't always work. Sometimes I even wonder if my H just makes up these things and throws them in the mix, knowing full well it will unsettle me!

Yep, easy in theory ;).  Do you really think he could be doing it on purpose? That's totally messed up. Would that be considered a NPD trait (make you suffer on purpose)?
Dealing with PD Parents / Re: Turkey Day...my least fave holiday
« Last post by gary on Today at 05:49:50 PM »

Goes anyone else relate to feelings of neglect?

 Hi MotherMoon

I would be lying if I said not at all because some of that is there. I spent one hour today with one of my sisters and couldn't wait to get back home to where I live alone. In about 2 hrs I will go out and have a couple brews at a local neighborhood bar.

What I feel more of is pity but not for me but for all of them (family).  I feel pity because I'm ok and they are not and probably never will be.

What I and maybe you have accomplished is braking a chain of dysfunction that can now be carried on. my daughters family because at an early age I removed the dynamics she as a 4 year old was living under now has a very happy/normal marriage. They are enjoying themselves at Disney World this week with their 3 kids and that makes me happy. Normally I would be at their place.

So yep I'm alone right now and do feel some neglect because I have siblings of only one who invited me to her place and the others I have not head from...But I'm ok...they are not and I hope on this day that you are more ok than not ok. ;)
Dealing with PD Parents / Re: Turkey Day...my least fave holiday
« Last post by practical on Today at 05:44:00 PM »
Reading your story made my heart shiver.  :'( You seem to have been to her somebody who never should have existed, and she tried to make it so by denying your basic needs, your existence even to others. Telling your Dad & stepmom you had other plans and they should not ask is just beyond cold.

Ella es la peor FRIA del mundo.

No guarantee this makes any sense in Spanish, it should be "She is the Coldest in the world.". This is my best attempt from looking at some websites about comparatives in Spanish while not speaking any Spanish at all.

I wonder whether the Mayans or Aztecs had some stories like the Brothers Grimm wrote them, she would be in them, only as an "evil mother" not the archetypical "evil stepmother". Are you sure you haven't gotten something wrong, and your Dad is your bio-Dad and she is the unknown, the non-bio mother? She seems so cold, how was she able to give life? And to somebody who seems to be so vibrant? She would not even melt if you leave her out at the equator.

I'm really sorry you had to go through this! I totally get how it would affect you till this day.

Inner deep-seated loneliness is something I struggle with because of my PD parents, so I can relate a little there, and it is for me one of the worst feelings, it is so dark and cold and without any hold. For me, holidays were mandatory FOO time, another time for being lonely on the inside while smiling on the outside, which is why I now enjoy to spend holidays just with DH. No fuss, just what we feel like doing.

Sending you a conga line of hugs:
  :bighug: :hug: :bighug: :hug: :bighug: :hug: :bighug: 
Going No Contact with a PD Parent / Re: Musings after 6 years NC
« Last post by Miss Kay on Today at 05:35:00 PM »
Yes, I just finished my 7th year and starting my 8th NC.  I am a completely different person.  Things that bothered me at first are no longer a big deal.  I think I have grieved my loss of never having a loving mother and I've healed so much.  I no longer see myself as unlovable.  I see her as unable to love.  My talents and gifts have bloomed without her criticism and I have so much more confidence than ever.  I find myself happy and laughing like I never did before.  It's hard to explain but I used to take everything she did as personal.  I mean, why would my own mother want to hurt me on purpose?  Now I actually get it inside that this had nothing to do with me.  I just happened to be born to her but was smart enough to eventually get away from a sick and evil woman.  I put the blame where it belongs, with her.  I was an innocent child, she was the parent.  I am now so much more than I would ever allow myself to be while she was in my life.  I did a self analysis and found the areas lacking in my life due to my parenting and then learned how to be different.  People like us do not naturally know what normal behavior is.  We  have to learn and learn I did.  Life is so good now that I hope to spread the freedom to other people who still live in that nightmare that used to be my existence.  My toxic mom is still alive but thankfully I didn't have to wait for her death to be free.  I am free at last and you can be too. 
The Welcome Mat / Re: Finally I am here!
« Last post by Koru on Today at 05:23:12 PM »
Welcome and I can certainly empathize with being parentified. Typically, those here who have written primarily write for their own sake to have finally stood up to speak truth. One of the most well-known things from the toolbox is the three C's rule says: "I didn't cause it, I can't cure it and I can't control it."

It's kind of you to reach out to your parents and you never know if they may be ready to begin their own healing journey. We are each responsible for ourselves and our feelings, we are the only ones that can choose to change, maybe your parents will choose change and maybe not. At least you'll have tried and it sounds like that's something you want to do for your own peace of mind and are doing so without any great expectation.

One thing that might help you in your healing journey is the Toolbox topic of Boundaries and there's some books in the Book Review board that might interest you. For me being parentified meant a complete lack of boundaries and emotional enmeshment. Boundaries was a completely new concept but it was so necessary to a healing journey.

You mention being empath and this is a topic discussed over on cPTSD.org although you don't mention cPTSD it's an interesting thread that might find helpful.

Thank you thank you thank you Spring Butterfly. Yes I have written to my parents to know that I have at least tried. I have spoken the truth and reached out to share the knowledge. I am finalising the one to my mum. I am excited about finaly telling her what I've been wanting to say all my life but never been allowed or had the guts.
Wow about cPTSD. I hadn't heard of this and have just bawled my eyes out reading all about it. Ironically a few months ago I looked up PTSD wondering if I was suffering from that. As some of the bigger aspects of it were definitely not a tick I thought I must have a version of it - not knowing there is a version of it! I suffered panic attacks in my 20s and have had long term anxiety/panic issues which I've used various techniques to try and get a handle on, and I tick most of the boxes (not sexual abuse/kidnap etc but the emotional prisoner).

It is very interesting reading all this, and makes sense that as I am an empath I would have absorbed the toxicity in my household more than my siblings. My sister who has gone NC is much harder nosed than I am, and also went through a period of displaying PD traits, to the point I now have my guard up a lot around her 'just in case'.

I honestly cannot believe that one woman has managed to fuck up family so much...she is like poison, only worse as she has coated herself in sugar to show the world a different face... Still I truly believe everything happens for a reason and I am so thankful that I met my supportive OH who has been my rock my whole life.
Parents' Discussion / MOVED: PD and psychosis
« Last post by Latchkey on Today at 05:21:18 PM »
Common Behaviors / Re: PD and psychosis
« Last post by Latchkey on Today at 05:19:32 PM »
I've talked with a friend who represents people who are in the state mental health system and she says psychosis is one of those things that can be hidden to some extent. You can be having a perfectly normal conversation with someone but then you bring up a topic that triggers them and they will say things that are obviously psychotic. These are people though that aren't very high functioning. I think if someone is degenerating and spiraling and is psychotic then if they have an underlying PD then something else is probably going on that is going to bring them to the attention of their loved ones or doctors or get them in trouble with the law. I've heard about marijuana use and other hallucinogenic type drugs possibly triggering psychosis and this is usually acute but can be chronic. Basically psychosis IME has been easier to recognize and treat if the person is willing than trying to find a therapy for a PD with the exception of BPD which does have better treatment modes.

I don't really have answers and so I'm going to move this to Common Behavaiors as maybe others have had different experiences they can share.
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