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Jenn, I'm so sorry you got dragged into this!

She's back to threatening to call the cops on you?  Ugh...   :roll:

You realize that's an empty threat, right?  First, they won't DO anything and second, if they did, you wouldn't be able to care for her in the future!

I'd seriously consider Frank's idea and block her number.  If you have Spectrum as a phone provider, they've just made it *really* easy to do.   :yes:

You know how I'd respond to that, "Answer me right now!" stuff?

I'd calmly tell her, "You do not get to talk to me like that now or ever" - and either hang up or leave, and put her in at least a one-week Time Out, where you have no contact with her.

Is this the surgery you told her you weren't going to help her with, but you're doing it anyway?

I don't know how you got roped into it, but from now on, when she announces she needs surgery, tell her to figure it out without you,  keep telling her, "I said NO" - and as the day of the surgery grows closer, block her number for the next several weeks, until you're pretty sure she's mended.

Believe me, her doctor and the hospital *will* figure it out - she wouldn't be the first person who has nobody to care for them, or anybody who is remotely close by.

This is only a tiny glimpse into your future - keep in mind, they get WORSE as they age, so this is just the tip of the iceberg unless you really start cracking down on the titanium boundaries.

This woman has NO power over you.  She needs you more than you need her, and you'd *think* she'd treat you better, but no, BPD Waifs are *brutal* to the "help" (meaning us).

By the time she's actually a senior citizen, she's going to be a flaming nightmare unless you really start pushing back - or go VLC or NC.

Please look into getting that leased car back - if it leaves her with an old clunker, TOO BAD - and please *do not cosign her new lease when it comes up.*

Let her figure out her own messes while you disentangle yourself from her life - and do *not* let her bully you with empty, meaningless, idle threats she actually won't follow through on.

You CAN do this, Jenn!  You really can!   :cheer: :cheer:

Her words and threats are absolutely meaningless and she *gets off on torturing you.*   >:(

Somebody who loves you doesn't do those things.  A *mother* who loves you doesn't do those things!

She sees you as a TOOL or a THING - and when you put up boundaries, she keeps kicking you like a defective washing machine, trying to get you to work properly again.

And even when you do work properly, it's *still not good enough.* 

It will NEVER be good enough - ever.  No matter what you do or how hard you try, or how high you jump in response to her demand, it will never be enough.

You're better off without her in your life - you know it.  You've said as much.

And now, just in case you really needed it, you have definitive proof of just how awful she really is.

Take that knowledge and use it to change YOURSELF for the better.   :)

Your FOC will thank you for it - and your mom will just have to figure out things on her own.

Waifs always do.  They're surprisingly resilient and resourceful.

And yes - Vivid is right.  Anybody can die in their house at any time, for any of a number of reasons.  Hell, you can walk out the door and have the same thing happen - I just don't live my life thinking something bad could happen at any moment.

And yes - she could have boarded her pets or hired a pet sitter to come in and look after them.  They're not terribly expensive or hard to find - and a good one is worth his or her weight in gold.

 :hug:
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knowing that she is giving another man attention as i sit here desperately wanting to be close to her and as im the one always there for her just hurts so bad, Im really having a difficult time with this. Any advice for dealing with all of this? I feel like nobody else can truly understand because its so easy to look at it from the outside and tell me to run away. But I love her dearly..
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Separating & Divorcing / Re: I'm afraid I can't afford to get divorced
« Last post by Mintstripes on Yesterday at 11:09:18 PM »
Mint, I can relate on many levels and am sorry you're in that position.  How long have you been together and how long has he been behaving like that?

For me, my views on whether or not I can afford to divorce and leave have changed over time during our 3 year marriage.  I saw it as hopeless and impossible.  As things have gotten much worse, I have become more and more willing to leave and live under the most basic survival conditions versus keeping the standard of living I had.  If I have to do it without an attorney and pay the $350 and represent myself, so be it.  If I have to rent a 10x10 bedroom from someone for $500 a month and rebuild, that's what I will do.  I'm not suggesting those examples are possible for you.  I'm pointing out that my survival - life, wellness, and happiness needs- have been reduced to the most basic form possible because of how bad things keep getting.  I just need a place to lay my head at night, eat, and keep my job and I believe I can rebuild from there.

I think you can, and will, do it if you have to.  I hope things get better for you.

Been married about as long as you. His worrisome behavior started when I got pregnant, which was pretty soon after we got married.
He is SO hot and cold, I never know what to expect anymore. He's putting pressure on me to have more kids, thinks he can make unilateral decisions for our family, so I feel like I need to get moving really soon.
I don't know if I will be able to afford an actual full apartment, rent is sky high here, but I need a safe place for my child. I can't rent a room with just anyone.
So far, I've consulted with an atty, gone on job interviews, and looked at daycares. I've also reached out to a contact who works at an org that helps people leave my husband's fundamentalist religion, I met with her secretly back in the winter and she was super validating and helpful. He has started making more religious demands and thinks that he will decide everything regarding the religious upbringing of our child. He also believes in having as many babies as physically possible and women staying home, has started implying that the clothes I wear aren't "proper" and in line with the religion, thinks he will control how our child dresses too. It's all very scary and cultish, and I want freedom for myself and my child.
The lady who I met with may be able to offer advice on housing, I know sometimes people who left the religion help each other out, rent out rooms to help people rebuild their lives after leaving.
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Yes she tells me she hates me, but has also told me she will always take me back prior to this so its confusing but now she is talking to an old boyfriend and hes single and talking to her even though shes still married no divorce has been filed yet btw.
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That's a good sign that you're still talking.  Yes, they sometimes do come around- you will hear about the "push and pull" or "I hate you, don't leave me" as you continue on in this journey.  Meds can help with some symptoms (but could also be contributing to the coldness / flat mood).  It's hard to say.  As you point out, it's early.
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Thanks Notfooledanymore ... no my relationship with her partner is even worse....probably thanks to her. I send things from a distance but he has the same victimy, I did nothing wrong, how dare you have a problem with my behaviour and your mother is perfect attitude. He;s a flying monkey with some very bad fleas...either that or possibly has NPD.

So sorry to hear this, Blueskies. I'm in a similar situation with NMIL's sister. I would suggest you not respond to the Cancer situation at all. If both treat you so poorly, I would stay away altogether. Nothing you do will change how they feel about you, unfortunately, at this point. I'm usually a very optimistic person about people but with PD's it's super tricky.

If you really feel the need to do something, I would say reaching out to the partner directly is better than going through your mom. Maybe it will go well, but it may be best to keep them at arm's length still.
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Separating & Divorcing / Re: I'm afraid I can't afford to get divorced
« Last post by Skippyd on Yesterday at 10:35:56 PM »
Mint, I can relate on many levels and am sorry you're in that position.  How long have you been together and how long has he been behaving like that?

For me, my views on whether or not I can afford to divorce and leave have changed over time during our 3 year marriage.  I saw it as hopeless and impossible.  As things have gotten much worse, I have become more and more willing to leave and live under the most basic survival conditions versus keeping the standard of living I had.  If I have to do it without an attorney and pay the $350 and represent myself, so be it.  If I have to rent a 10x10 bedroom from someone for $500 a month and rebuild, that's what I will do.  I'm not suggesting those examples are possible for you.  I'm pointing out that my survival - life, wellness, and happiness needs- have been reduced to the most basic form possible because of how bad things keep getting.  I just need a place to lay my head at night, eat, and keep my job and I believe I can rebuild from there.

I think you can, and will, do it if you have to.  I hope things get better for you.
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its so painful to be treated like some stranger....
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she has been on meds, and she see's her psych doctor, but I dont know much beyond that, since she's gotten out this last time she doesnt tell me as much. I sent her flowers and she said it made her feel loved and she hugged me.

we talk daIly, but shes cold and heartless. is it common for them to come back around? she was just hearing voices a few weeks back so i know shes not well.
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Common Behaviors / Even the small things are intentional....
« Last post by NotFooledAnymore on Yesterday at 10:23:18 PM »
Has anyone else ever noticed or experienced this? The PD (in my case, NMIL) will do little things that are very intentional and meant to get a rise or a reaction or even triangulate....or something.

For instance, we have recently gone VLC with NMIL over some major drama back in June (honestly, it's been a long time coming). A few weeks later, she sends a group email to all her sons and us wives about wanting the grandkids to all "submit" a name for her new dog she just got. We didn't respond because we knew it wouldn't end well and this was all her attempt to control and play favorites among her grandkids.

A week after that initial email she emails DH, and only CC's me on the email (doesn't acknowledge me at all, though), saying how "disappointed" she is that our 4 kids didn't submit a name for her new dog.

DH again doesn't respond because this time she's just trying to guilt trip. I actually suggested to him that maybe he should send  a short reply but he definitely didn't want to do that (I've set a personal boundary that I will not contact NMIL at all after the recent drama that was a smear campaign directed at me).

Finally, on Thursday (three weeks after the second email and the longest we've ever gone without responding to NMIL) she emails ONLY DH (doesn't include me even on the CC line) a third email demanding a response and asking why he won't write her back. She's not tried to call even a single time in the past several months either.

I find it interesting that she went from including me in on the first "group" email, to CC'ing me on the second, and leaving me out of the third email altogether. I KNOW it's not just a slip. I'm certain it's intentional but I'm trying to figure out why. I'm actually very happy she didn't email me, though, because things are so bad between us now.

I'm wondering if she thinks that if she "secretly" emails DH without me knowing, that he'll finally answer her. Little does she realize, the only reason he's even been in touch with her over the past few years is because of me encouraging it. Now that I'm not constantly encouraging him to call or write his mom, he's not doing it....especially after the horrible smear campaign.

Anyway, I'm wondering if anyone else has experienced these "little slights" that were actually very intentional and represented something much bigger underneath?
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