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Dealing with PD Elderly Family Members / Re: Whipping Girl
« Last post by Spring Butterfly on Today at 08:09:43 AM »
Oh what a terrible blow, what hurtful words and behavior. My heart is broken for you and the pain you must be feeling. Hearing much hateful words is more than enough reason to let the final thread stay as it is, cut and broken. Since he's mentally competent then he is fine making his own decisions and living the the consequences. Hopefully you took some time for your own healing over the weekend. How utterly heartbreaking. You're such a tender and loving soul and deserve so much better.
Going No Contact with a PD Parent / Re: Do you feel alone?
« Last post by Sunshine days on Today at 07:55:45 AM »
Fightsong, surely accepting it can heal us.
Sorry you to to feel like this frothed out, have you changed your username ? It can be so hard changing anything when the other person is in control of us, your dammed if you do and dammed if you don't. A lifetime of patterns to change that's why many move onto new relationships but still they have there problems. Just keep doing wants right and believing yourself. I find I am trying to change things but everyone around me is plodding along on there own but I am pulling it together and picking fleas out of the kids. It's hard going when I need to work on myself and not other kids in the family if you know what I mean.
Dealing with PD Elderly Family Members / Re: We are replaceable
« Last post by Spring Butterfly on Today at 07:38:47 AM »
Wow you had such an emotionally draining weekend it's no wonder you're running on empty emotionally and starting to bottom out. Please take some time for yourself to refuel.
Committed to Working On It / Re: Why do we stay?
« Last post by Frothed out on Today at 07:38:33 AM »
I agree with the 1) kids   2) shame of divorce(not putting enough effort into fixing it)

I am smart enough to know that leaving may be better for the kids, and it is possible that there is no fixing it.

3) where would I go?  The unknown is scary compared to the daily routine of being manipulated.

Thanks FTL and everyone. I haven't heard anything official from my FOO about dad's cancer.  I don't know what's going on, but I strongly believe that my dad wouldn't let my mom fake this kind of thing.  She usually invests or exaggerates her own illness. Wishing you a good start to the week!
Future Goals / Assessing going NEW contact
« Last post by In loco parentis on Today at 07:36:39 AM »
Save this supportive group, a local splinter group from my positive (but cost prohibitive) group therapy experience, and to a limited extent my immediate supervisor at work (and I am VERY grateful for what support I realize from her, them, and you folks), I find myself VERY much alone and isolated in the world at this point in my long, frustrating life.  This tends to be either due to others' choices to cease to interact with me due to their evident refusal to own their behaviors, or my necessary and healthy choice (UP TO A POINT) to cease to accept their continuing disrespect and abuse, OR my failure, heretofore--and this is important--to learn how to assert my needs and boundaries in healthy, self-affirming ways such that I/we may continue in otherwise challenging and imperfect (duh) relationships and/or associations.  Now, in the IDEAL, and nothing wrong with striving toward the ideal, except when I find myself alone and uncomfortable with that reality, it is preferred that I seek, achieve, and sustain relationships that are better and more affirming for me and my positive values, but truth shows that if I cannot find a way to assert myself while living among other sinners I cannot find a realistic way to live in this world, simply.

So, that is what I am working on, now, to bring greater REALISTIC awareness and conscious effort to working on being properly assertive and respectful of my values and my needs, while respecting others as they work on theirs--or not.  It still remains a sticky circumstance when I observe others CHOOSING to live daily in their own fog of denial and self destructive, and destructive toward others, behavior.  I simply do not know--nor do I expect to ever know--when it will be fair and appropriate to write such souls off.  (My choice, though, I grant.)  For, I understand, not only does going "No contact" leave me isolated, and possibly give me seeming excuses not to work on ME, it can also be a way to manipulate, abuse and gaslight others.

Nothing's ever simple.  My future goals, then, include first getting myself relatively whole, so that I may reasonably withstand the aggression, or simple void-claiming, of others, and responsibly assert myself.  Then, once that is achieved I mean to work toward "New Contact," where "New Contact" will include a revisiting of previous relationships toward the end of offering a healthier self that might be better able to withstand their imperfect intrusions into my space, and thus accommodate a relatively healthy relationship with imperfect others, like me, going forward.

Make sense?

(Right now I am still pushing back against the terrible, dark, sadly seductive, but observably destructive leaning toward seeking retribution for others' past abuses. I do not want that!  And other than passive aggressive behavior I have mostly been successful in quelling the inclination toward retribution.  I KNOW I need to focus on taking better care of me in the now, but I also know that means I have to be patient with myself as I let those terrible wounds--wounds I factually did NOT invite--heal a bit.  On the other hand, how can they heal until I achieve a healthy way to look to my needs and values in the now?  Sigh.)   :stars:
I find it hard to do anything without feeling like I am wrong.  My uNPDw and my two kids and my uNPDMIL were playing cards(pegs) with my 6 and 9 year old daughters.  When I moved a peg for my kid, my wife put the man back and made my kid count it out.  She glared at me with the death stare.  So cold.  No love in those eyes.

  There were incidents all day where I was doing my best to 'help'  but I got the stare or a stern talking to.  It's difficult to act in any way when you are 'punished'  for doing what you think is a nice thing.

 I cleaned up the fridge and threw away the expired and tired stuff, she said she needed to go to town to fill the fridge back up. I said not to fill it,  i will buy what we need for the week(she has been spending weekdays away with one daughter).  I only received 'judgement', rather than appreciation for the clean-up and restocking. 

 How do we get out of this feeling of doubt.  How do we ignore the negative nd focus on the positive(if any)?
The Welcome Mat / Re: joined today, my first post
« Last post by practical on Today at 07:27:01 AM »
Welcome to OOTF!

Your approach to communicate with her in the presence of a therapist was really good, even if it didn't work out. You might find more strategies how to deal with her and especially help yourself in the Toolbox     . One really important piece of wisdom is the 3 C's Rule: "I didn't cause it, I can't cure it and I can't control it."

If you haven't already check out the various tabs at the top of this page, like the "Personality Disorders" tab.

With regard to your question, check out topics like Favoritism, Painted Black in the Glossary   

Hope to see you on the boards!
Dealing with PD Elderly Family Members / Re: Whipping Girl
« Last post by Zebrastriped on Today at 07:22:09 AM »
practical, my heart hurts for you.  What an awful thing to find out after all your work and worry.  It does sound very very painful.  Absolutely take some time to rest and recover from this before you decide your next move.  You should be no one's punching bag under any circumstances.  Big hugs to you.
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