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Separating & Divorcing / Re: Goodbye rituals?
« Last post by mdana on Today at 12:14:10 AM »
I did do some rituals. But, they didn't work very well until I developed a deeper relationship within.

It helped me more to learn to become my own best friend. I learned to "mother", love, forgive and comfort myself. And.. to have compassion for myself in the way I wished my mom (or my ex) could have.

It's a process, and once I reached a certain point, letting go rituals seemed to work better.

I walked along the river often and let the wind blow away my losses, sadness and pain. Sometimes, I would say the words or events that hurt me the most, then ask the wind to take it from me. When I came home, I made a point of leaving it by the river.

Other times, I would imagine a thick rubber band between myself and my ex-(or mom). Then, watch it get stretched thin until it snapped and the connection was lost. I would remind myself that I could love, and nurture myself and no longer needed them to.

What helped me more than good bye rituals though, was introspective or nurturing rituals. I started an evening "me" ritual where I listened to peaceful, meditation type music (Tibetan chimes). Music that didn't remind me of anything. I focused on healing type meditation. Some days I just prayed the entire time---asking for wisdom, peace, healing. I kept that time to myself and tried to not think of others (my ex, my kids, mom, bills).

Not sure that is helpful to you...
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Common Behaviors / Re: Ugh. Intimacy.
« Last post by Mintstripes on Today at 12:09:21 AM »
Right now I feel like the bad person for rejecting his advances. He will make me feel bad. He will become very upset and withdrawn, because I did not accept his physical advances.

He knows I cannot have physical sexual intercourse right now. But, he doesnít care. He just wants to get off. He wants me to please him. I donít want to. But, it feels like itís my job.

It almost feels like he was with somebody else, and wanted me to do the same thing she did to him. It was a very, very odd advance, very cold, very unromantic and almost like a - I need this now.

I just read through some of your previous posts, and I have to ask you why you feel "like the bad person."  After how he's treated you, why on earth would you want to have sex with him? Yuck! And, of course, you don't.

One of his "jobs" (as your husband) is not to verbally and emotionally abuse you. He's totally failed at that, so why do you still feel that it's your "job" to have sex with him?  It's not your job to service him because he decides to pout.

Listen to your gut. Listen to your gut.

Yes MeAgain, so much this.
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Working on Us / Re: Nightmares and bad dreams
« Last post by Wild Lupines on Today at 12:09:14 AM »
Mint, I hope you don't have the getting kissed with giant fake wax lips one!!

Or maybe you do want it, as aversion therapy :)
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Working on Us / Re: Nightmares and bad dreams
« Last post by Mintstripes on Today at 12:07:17 AM »
Wild, those dreams are so fascinating. Thanks for sharing.
I have some that seem quite symbolic as well.
Wonder what Iíll dream of tonight.
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Working on Us / Re: Nightmares and bad dreams
« Last post by Wild Lupines on Yesterday at 11:58:25 PM »
My dreams have been really insightful to my relationship.

When I was with my ex I developed terrible nightmares. My childhood trauma was brought back, in force, by his abuse, and I actually had to go on meds for the nightmares. Of course at the time I was blamed for having PTSD (the therapists didn't seem to think it was odd my PTSD suddenly materialized and got worse in my relationship) and my ex made me feel bad for the nightmares.

After separating the nightmares as well as all signs of anxiety and PTSD quickly disappeared and I've become stable. Now I just get very vivid dreams. Sometimes they are scary but not nightmares.

Some of my favorites:

I had one dream I was trying to shove a beach ball down his throat. Talk about rage!!
In another dream I was playing leapfrog trying to impress my ex. No matter how much I jumped he was not impressed.
I've had lots of dreams of crying and pleading with him and him not responding.
In a recent dream he was trying to kiss me with giant fake wax lips. I was grossed out.

It's interesting now we are separated in the dreams lately he is always very wooden, unattractive and unappealing to me. I often wake with a feeling of sadness, or relief. I think I am processing my grief in the dreams. And anger, lol





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Common Behaviors / Re: Ugh. Intimacy.
« Last post by Me_Again on Yesterday at 11:57:54 PM »
Right now I feel like the bad person for rejecting his advances. He will make me feel bad. He will become very upset and withdrawn, because I did not accept his physical advances.

He knows I cannot have physical sexual intercourse right now. But, he doesnít care. He just wants to get off. He wants me to please him. I donít want to. But, it feels like itís my job.

It almost feels like he was with somebody else, and wanted me to do the same thing she did to him. It was a very, very odd advance, very cold, very unromantic and almost like a - I need this now.

I just read through some of your previous posts, and I have to ask you why you feel "like the bad person."  After how he's treated you, why on earth would you want to have sex with him? Yuck! And, of course, you don't.

One of his "jobs" (as your husband) is not to verbally and emotionally abuse you. He's totally failed at that, so why do you still feel that it's your "job" to have sex with him?  It's not your job to service him because he decides to pout.

Listen to your gut. Listen to your gut.
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Dealing with PD In-Laws / Re: Done
« Last post by PinkDress on Yesterday at 11:55:22 PM »
H won't discuss it with me.  :sadno: 

In theory he's on my side, but history tells me the likely scenario is that he will fold in one phone call and lay the blame on me.  I would like to believe that he will do his research and have calm and detached replies ready, and not get sucked into the role of the bad son once again breaking his poor dear mother's heart, but experience goes against that hope.  So far, letting me deal with her has worked well for him, and he won't talk about it or find his own support system.  He still thinks that if he just tells her what the problem is, they can talk about it and she will stop.  What actually happens when he tries that is that she rages at him about every possible event of his life, real or imagined, he repents and is sorry like a whipped puppy (or beaten child), he mollifies her by some promise, then he walks away thinking they came to an agreement and forgetting quite what the original issue had been.  He apparently literally doesn't notice when she changes his mind for him, like he has amnesia. 

In 10 years she has never, ever accepted or apologised for anything she has done, and any insubordination has immediately resulted in rage that goes on for days - until the rest of the family give in and make up to her.  No one has *ever* held her accountable in her whole life.  I'm really not looking forward to her noticing I am cutting her out, but I just can't keep playing the 'happy families' game.

Myself,

I am so sorry and I see so much of my own situation in yours. An H who sometimes seems to hear you, then gives under any slight amount of pressure from mommy. It really really hurts. Frankly though for me, I'm learning H has always put me behind other things in his life (video games, friends, etc.) so why was I so surprised that he initially didn't hear me out concerning his M? With lots of time and me simply/firmly standing my ground against nMILs manipulations, he opened his eyes to her. He still won't admit she's ever been malicious (she definitely has) but he does admit she says and does a lot of weird stuff and believes she has mental problems (bipolar to be specific).

I say calmly (as impossible as that seems with so much pain swirling around inside) stand your ground, calmly recount to your H what MIL has done to wound you. I've had to recount to H all of the very hurtful stuff nMIL has done to me many times when he gets lost in the FOG and blames me for not doing enough to make it work. In reality I tried for months with only more hurt from MIL heaped on. I'd go through periods of "I'm done" to "okay let's try to forgive and go on" and nMIL couldn't behave long enough (jabs and extremely pushy odd behaviors towards me) for me to make it work. You need to be done, it won't change because your MIL won't change. Do your best to get your H fully on board, try to be calm and explain your pain.

I hope this helps. You're taking good steps my friend! Don't lose hope, it is so hard. I've had to realize that no matter how much nMIL wounds me, she's still my Hs mom. I can't convince him she's cruel but he does see she's not normal, and for me that was enough affirmation. We still have work to do, but we've made progress and that's what counts. -hugs-
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Working on Us / Nightmares and bad dreams
« Last post by Mintstripes on Yesterday at 11:46:40 PM »
I have been having a lot of bad dreams lately. Iím going through a lot with uPDh and itís coming out in my dreams.
I frequently dream that Iím cheating on him and I feel terrible (Iíd never do that IRL).
I dream that Iím drowning, trapped in an elevator thatís going too fast or about other distressing situations.
Last night, I dreamt that I was taking a last look at our house (except it looked like FOOís house I escaped a decade ago), had packed my bags to leave him and was waiting for the team from Law & Order: SVU to come get me.

What about you? Do you get bad dreams?
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Chosen Relationships / Re: Eggshells around the house
« Last post by Mintstripes on Yesterday at 11:40:12 PM »
Changing the goal posts is another one of their favorite tactics. I go through this all the time with H.
And who needs a ďrecordĒ???!
Not normal at all.
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Common Behaviors / Re: Ugh. Intimacy.
« Last post by Mintstripes on Yesterday at 11:35:44 PM »
Itís funny you post this because I have a funny feeling too.
I also was thinking of the same language that you used as well; heís usually got this edge now with me.
He made me a paper flower yesterday out of the blue. Guilty conscience?
H stays up late after me every night.
Yes I am still checking his internet history because I have this weird feeling. It showed that he was on google talk at 4am last week. Unless that comes up automatically when you sign in to gmail? I donít know but I thought it was suspicious...
He has also been regularly deleting his internet history. Today I checked and it was entirely cleared, except for a few innocuous entries. If he had nothing to hide, why would he be clearing his history?
I know what you mean about the pouting when they donít get their way. Itís gross. Sorry youíre going through it too.
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