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11
Committed to Working On It / Re: Birthday
« Last post by sweettheresap on Today at 05:09:23 PM »
Ugh, the dreaded birthday/holiday thing. First, mine seems to expect elaborate, expensive gifts from everyone, yet he refuses to actually open them or even use them. If you don't get him something he deems "worthy or expensive enough " you never hear the end of it.

However....it's a crap shoot really whether he's going to even acknowledge birthdays, anniversaries, or holidays...for ANYONE, including our children. One year, for Christmas, I got $300 to go grocery shopping...no kidding. Then last year, for my birthday I got an iPad. We, at that time, had no internet so I couldn't actually even set it up, but I was excited nonetheless. Except he takes it away every time I don't obey exactly. Great times
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Oh yeah.

With my Mmother, every second sentence is putting up a boundary, the rest is telling her to put a sock in it with the racist crap already for a millionth time.

Surprise!  I'm not like that with anyone else.
13
Chosen Relationships / Re: And this is his story...MY Narcissist.
« Last post by fozzybear on Today at 05:00:29 PM »
We end up with these people because we care, and because we think we can fix them, but there is a difference between them and us.

I had a crap childhood, I won't list it all, as I don't need the sympathy vote, but between me and my NPDXH, I reckon I win hands down on the crap childhood front - what I don't get is why I came out compassionate and he came out an SOB.

I think the difference is I recognised my childhood as crap, and my parents as broken, from my teen years, and I decided that I wouldn't let that define my future life. STBXH has wallowed in a mythical childhood, that became even rosier once his bullying father died. Not acknowledging the damage they did to him has held him back emotionally in my opinion, and set him up for the worst effects of his PD.

So many of us here had crap lives as kids, but it still doesn't excuse you treating another human being the same way....
14
the way he was sooo subtle at making me raise the kids alone...

i would tell him something we needed to discuss and as parents and  decide which direction to go in ..

..his thing days later....

" so , did YOU "
 
or my favorite

" i didn't know that "

yea you did. i told you and i remember telling you.  don't act like you didnt know to remove yourself from responsibility in raising/ disiplining our children.


Yes.. same here.

His answer was either "It's up to you" or "Let me know what you decide to do about it"

I was the only one at all the dr appts, school appts, practices, everything. Then he'd inadvertently find out a detail about something and accuse me of not including him or deliberately keeping things from him.
No... he just wasn't interested and couldn't be bothered.
15
Sooo true :) Mine would cut friends out of his life because they dared to have a joke at his expense, but he could be unendingly cruel about other folk (as he was obviously perfect). So many times early on he gave me cause to laugh out loud - as the years went by the laughs became nervous, then stopped completely, as it could trigger a rage, but here's my favourite, for the record:
STBXH was with me in a supermarket, checking out the shaving gel, decided to smell the scent - but he managed to press the button and got a face full of foam. Me and the shop assistant nearby retreated down the aisle laughing so hard, me, I almost wet myself - my beloved was not amused, but behaved as he had an audience.
I think that was the last time he could laugh at himself - can't remember any other incidents like it, and that was years before I left - what was I thinking?
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Chosen Relationships / My PD has all the control
« Last post by photoday32 on Today at 04:50:02 PM »
My PPD (and possibly BPD) husband keeps all the control when making decisions in our relationship (although I have to do all the leg work and behind the scenes once he does make a decision). For example, when we are talking about buying me a new car (he has had 2 in the time that I still have my original from college). I tell him some models I'd like to have with room for our 3 kids and he agrees at first and then slowly (painfully slow) decides maybe a compact car is the way to go instead, or maybe a great big Van!! "Hmmmm, I'll have to think on this". Then over the course of months berates me for my choice of vehicle saying this or that model is much better and logical then the next day he is thinking something completely opposite. I would tell him to shove it and go get my own car but my credit is not great and he knows that I need him on the loan.

One more example is road trips that we take. He can't decide which vehicle we should take (obvious to me, the one in better shape that is more comfortable to ride in), then he changes the route so many times that I cannot make any hotel reservations or look into nearby restaurants. Also, he is constantly changing the day we should leave and return making it impossible to make any other plans. This control also extends to our living situation (we rent because he refuses to talk to a mortgage person with me and is not even sure he wants to stay in this town). I feel like I live in limbo and cannot figure out how to break this cycle.

When I confront him about this control/indecision he accuses me of being to inflexible and says it will work out, well I'm the one that has to do the "working out" after he makes the decision. I am realizing what a terrible cycle this is, me waiting for a decision to be made about my life. Can anyone relate? Is this control or just commitment phobia on his part?
17
Look at how many people understand you!
Try as she might, I bet she can't say that.
 :hug:
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So very true and I am coming to this too.  I say to myself "how else was I supposed to act/react in such an environment?"
As I begin to see I can see they are everything I was accused of being.
 
 
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It's brutal to watch.  That is why I echo on this board all the time TO HAVE A LIFE FOR YOURSELF.  It is so easy to become co-dependent- as I did- and let PAS suck you into it's vortex.  You and your husband should do your best to become a little more selfish and make your world as a couple number one.  Inching away from depending on your DSD to affirm all you've done and taking a step back is self protective. 

I'm so sorry you have this painful challenge with her.  I really do think it's a phase, though a potentially harmful one if not dealt with by you and DH with self protection as your priority.  Could it last long term or be permanent, perhaps.  But it is really out of your control (SERENITY PRAYER!!).  That is exactly why you need a life separate from her, carefully carved out for you and DH and with a future you can look forward to.  If you put your all into creating your life outside this PAS kid as she is right now, you will have succeeded.  If she comes back, then wonderful.  IF she doesn't, you have set yourself up for a bright future with engagement with someone in the throes in PAS on the very back burner.  Totally fruitless to engage with her. 

I know you are crushed.  I was with my own DS.  It was heart wrenching.  When I hit my bottom and got a life (for me and DH and my DDunder 5 at the time) is when my whole life started to turn around.  I really had to focus on life outside this person who was going to disappoint me and hurt me- I, like you, am lovey do very, am an open book and tend towards co-dependence too.  I hope you can do what I suggested as a GIFT for yourself.  Your alone are worth.  Not as a mother, but you alone.  Your marriage is worth it.  Nor your parenting as a couple, but just you as a couple. 

Look, these kids go off very soon (3 years for your SDS) and that's pretty much it.  Setting yourself up for that day is the wisest move. 

 :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:   
20
That was a great video. So much of what I've experienced during break ups and subsequent getting back together makes so much more sense. This last time I'm pretty sure he just wanted me to come back so he could make me pay for leaving in the first place. Thanks for that link
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