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Some background: DH's divorce agreement (from 5.5 years ago) states that instead of BM paying the amount of child support she owed at the time of the divorce to him, she would pay all of the kids' expenses.  When DH and I married, the 2 older kids were alienated from DH and moved in with BM full time.  At that time she demanded child support since she had 2 of the kids full time, so DH started paying it (almost the amount she had previously owed him) to her. At the time she was given the option for DH to pay 1/2 or more of the kids' expenses, but she just wanted the monthly money.

Due to some arrests and dealings with Child Services and her household needing 4 or more lawyers in the past 18 months, plus she is always in debt, she is now telling SS14 that she can't pay for his Track fees at school, so unless DH pays it, he can't participate because she can't afford it. She is also telling him that DH won't reply to her emails.  This is partly true - he responds to business but ignores things that will only escalate into pointless, circular fights.  She has BPD. diagnosed, I believe. 

What would you do?  Should DH tell SS14 everything about the financial arrangement?  Stay quiet and let SS think what he wants?  Pay it because she's using SS shouldn't be used as as a pawn but she is using her manipulative tactics to get DH to do what she wants?  Just ignore it all and let SS just not participate? 
As an unrelated note, he's missed many of the practices due to his ankles hurting anyway, plus couldn't participate in any meets for a month after being caught with pot at a school formal. 

So many layers and issues to consider!! It's always complicated, isn't it? Thoughts?
Chosen Relationships / Re: How do you tackle the blame game?
« Last post by SeenTheLight on Today at 04:29:09 PM »
How do you work through not being in the fog, while still being close to your spouse?

I find that the more i come Out of the FOG, the less interested I am in becoming emotionally connected to her.

I think this is probably one reason why they say these relationships usually fail in the long run. That and the fact that the PDI doesn't usually think they have a problem at all.  :(
Separating & Divorcing / Re: One year out
« Last post by hellobliss123 on Today at 04:28:23 PM »
Thanks so much for posting this today. I needed it. Two months out and moving into my new home (alone with my kids) tomorrow. I love you got a belt in karate!!!! You rock.
Oh Tightrope!  Your sharing is so real and so familiar!  It pains me to see the anguish you are going through.  It's just NOT FAIR!  :no:

I must say you sound pretty strong, even though you are going through some painful times.  I hate it when people say I sound or look strong when I'm feeling really weak, but your post sounds like you are ready to move through and get to the other side of your dysfunctional family dynamic and all it's negative effects on your life!!  :aaauuugh:

In my case for the past 2.5 years I've been in the doghouse (imposed isolation) due to my blowing up about my sister's self-absorbed actions (not even to her face) and she won't speak to me.  As she evidently pulls all the strings in the family, everyone continues to go along with her wishes to not have me around at any family functions (gee isn't this a sign of what I was trying to point out in the first place?)

Kudos to you for creating a healthy boundary between you and your mom.  This is the piece I still struggle with.  It has recently become very clear that my mother has always had problems with standing up to her youngest daughter (there is only the two of us.)  This has forever been their dynamic!  My mom over-pampered my sister due to her own personal fears (lots of reasons) and over the years the family just fell into line with my sister getting what she wants. And she still does!   :doh:

NO ONE, not even my Mom, nor my adult son, will stand up for me, as my needs have always been so low on the totem pole (due to my giving up defending myself.)  My Mom knows I'm in pain, but says she is helpless.  Fortunately she has gone to a few therapy sessions with me, but we aren't making very much progress as she continues to say she feels helpless. 

The last session I said something similar to my Mom as you did; asking her to own her own piece of my imposed isolation.  And that I'm no longer waiting around for my sister to accept my apology, 2.5 years is enough.  I'm sick and tired of the disappointment every time a holiday rolls around.  Yes, it really does make one feel worthless!!!   :sadno:  Now I'm free, I don't care what they do. 

And yes, just like you, this negative viewpoint of myself has bleed into my work relationships over and over again.  Now that I am aware of this "trigger", I'm not reacting so much like I used to (feeling people were leaving me out, ignoring me, not listening to me.)  And I no longer over-react when I see people not doing their job or taking advantage of others (another huge button for me!!) 

I have the below quote printed out and attached to my monitor; from one of the posts here:

"Goodbye family, hello life.  Hello happiness.  Hello to pleasure in the little things.  Hello sanity.  Hello peace."   ;D

As I go through the mourning of releasing my "family" I move into a stronger place where I no longer have to worry about them, feel responsible for them, or need to defend myself to them.

Keep sharing, you are growing!!  :hug:
Hi All!

I hope everyone is feeling as healthy and as whole as possible! Today, I felt called to search for some quotes to help with emotional abuse, especially from parents. I was hoping if anyone had any quotes that helped them? If so, please share so we can have a whole thread of quotes for support. Especially for those moments where our own words and thoughts are so hard to come by!

"Emotional abuse, itís not about words because an emotionally abusive person doesnít always resort to using the verbal club, but rather the verbal untraceable poison...They may, in fact, speak very kind words to you.  And appear nothing but supportive to those around you.  Their covert abuse is administered in small, cunning ways over time.  So the impact is gradual, not fist-to-the-eye immediate.Ē  ~ Augusten Burroughs
I couldn't agree more, Healing Finally! Lots of shame, lots of denial and mind games. Thankyou for your support,
So... try to avoid conflict if possible.

How? I set her off apparently due to her own triggers of feelings of abandonment in the first place.

Do you mean just avoid anything obviously attaching?

My mil rejected it and set it on fire.  I dissolutioned myself for a long time, it is dangerous to think you are trying to reach the same goal.  You can give up a lot of time doing this. --->Quoted from Love

I'm not sure we are exactly trying to build a relationship with my PD MIL. She's pretty much just there apparently according to my husband when he wants to visit his dad. At least that's how he phrased it when we last spoke about it. What he really means is that he does still love his mother, but he doesn't really want to see her a lot. He does want to see his dad. He knows that challenging them is going to happen more and more over time. I keep reminding him that he should encourage his nonPD dad to get therapy. It's likely when his non PD figured out there were problems with his wife, that there was nothing out there to help then since it's been over thirty years.

That said, he kind of just realizes that to see dad it's kind of necessary to see mom.

I'd like to think we aren't currently naive enough to think that we actually build any relationship with PD MIL that genuine because she's - as you said - set it in fire and burned it to the ground. She has already done that.

So if we aren't actually trying to build a relationship with her since she clearly doesn't want one, it may be possible to infrequently see everyone with her there and deal with it for a hour once in a while.

At least that's the theory we are living under. I never will talk to her alone because I will never be alone with her. She can already try to character assassinate from afar and I don't really need to give her more info....

We might both be super naive, but this past year has taught me just how awful this BPD MIL can be. Thank God I don't live with her.

Thank you for the clear warning. I'm processing your message still and I won't take it lightly. I appreciate your warning greatly.

Common Behaviors / Re: Eye Issues
« Last post by TakingFlight on Today at 04:17:25 PM »
Maybe it is because PD people are so inherently insecure, that if they can find anything about someone else to judge or criticise then it makes them feel a bit better about themselves to be able to bring someone else down. I noticed with my PD parents that they are also very superficial and judge others on appearances. For instance, one of my brothers has the most lovely MIL, she's a really nice person, but all my parents could focus on was her weight. Perhaps they felt defensive because she was a genuinely nice person, not just faking nice like they were. Anyway, it is something that i've learned, is that a person who makes superficial judgements or is too concerned with other people's appearances, is generally not someone who's opinion I would trust or value.
Common Behaviors / Re: is it possible
« Last post by Thru the Rain on Today at 04:10:54 PM »
My non-PD H does this sort of sniping sometimes.

I ask him, nicely, "are you trying to be helpful?"

He always says no, and stops the sniping.  But if he ever says yes, I'll tell him that mean, snotty, under the breath remarks are never helpful.

I have no idea if this would work on a PD individual though.
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