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Does it talk about chronic pain? My friend's H grew up in an abusive household, and she believes his chronic pain is related to these repressed memories and feelings.
by Nina W. Brown

I have found this book incredibly helpful. Not only does it describe the reasons an N could become more difficult (and it rarely uses the N word, instead using "self absorbed) with age, but it gives so many strategies for coping. While sometimes it seems like it's just our job to appease our parents, it explains the rationale so well that I can't help but feel like it's simply the wisest thing to do if we want to have any sort of relationship with our parents.

It always allows for our own values and ethics to come first, but teaches how to avoid unnecessary battles and instead handle our parents in a way that reduces conflict and creates a shallow, calmer relationship.

It gets as specific as suggesting avoiding prolonged eye contact to avoid "catching" their emotions.

I found it very, very helpful, especially as I come to fully realize that my NM may actually be an uNPD, and my local sibling and I try to figure out how to cope with her increasingly distressful behavior. Interestingly, my brother already does nearly everything in this book. I have thought him too compromising, but it seriously turns out that he intuitively knows how to handle our mother in a way that makes her happy and doesn't compromise his values. No wonder he's the GC :)
Working on Us / Re: Healing with Elicia Miller
« Last post by 1footouttadefog on Today at 09:01:01 AM »
I am sitting here reading this site as a distraction for a very intense sugar craving.  I am feeling your pain. 

I had basil tea at a friends recently.  It was quite refreshing and I might make some to see how it helps with sugar cravings. 

I had a yeast bloom after a lengthy round of antibiotics for tick bite disease.  It caused unbelievable symptoms, yet no oral or vaginal thrush at all.  I can vouch for yeast causing health issues galore. 
Dealing with PD Parents / Re: Peace over PD parents.
« Last post by all4peace on Today at 08:58:58 AM »
bopper, I think of my uNBPDmil as a "bottomless pit" also. It amazes me how often that image comes up when describing PDs. I wonder sometimes how we can sense that about another person. My brother refers to our NM having a "void" that can't be filled.

misspearl, I think I may have finally reached that place. We saw my uNBPDmil and enFIL recently after NC for a month. It was so calm. The calm was inside of me and unrelated to what was going on with them, although it did help that mil was behaving fairly normally. I think I'm reaching this with my parents also. I accept and understand that none of them is going to change. I accept their limitations. And I have strategies for dealing with all their problematic behavior. I know it will get stressful and anxiety producing as things come up, but I want to try to simply "observe" those situation and not feel them so intensely.

Hugs to all of us who need to "survive" our parents!
Working on Us / Re: Made it through my work trip alive
« Last post by 1footouttadefog on Today at 08:54:33 AM »
Its always so nice to have something like that over.  And it went well enough...Cool.

Now take some time to relax and enjoy having it over with. A mini celebration of sorts, even if its a simple thing like coffee and a magasine do something you like and enjoy the reprieve.
Hi Mamato3!  My son is much younger than yours, but I'd say you do have about the minimum excepting circumstances of physical violence.  I know the urge too well to use NPD's behaviors against them, but while I fully understand that feels good in the moment for you, unless the behaviors are going to be recognizable by the court (again, physical violence. disruption to DS's school/medical progess/schedule, etc.) you risk being seen as an overprotective mom trying to beat up "your poor innocent ex" with the court system. 

Since you asked, my son is nearing 2 years old and his NPD dad has him 2 overnights a week (non-consecutive due to his age), and yes, he basically takes all his time ("because he's such a great dad and he loves and misses him sooo muuuchhh"  :barfy:)

I'm so sorry you and your son are here and facing this, but with him at 13.5 he should have some say now or soon in the custody himself if he's opinionated about it if you want to go that route, but he's nearing the age he'll be able to "choose with his feet" as they say.  You're rounding the corner into the home stretch and you're an amazing mom for making it so far -  you've got this!  My advice would be to let the normal PD behaviors wash over you with no effect, be fair but firm and then go on (easier said than done...I know...).
The Welcome Mat / Re: Son has many problems
« Last post by Cindy Love on Today at 08:48:47 AM »
He stays with us for recovery after his surgeries so that I can be his caregiver.  Other than that he has been on his own (with some financial support and other support) for three years.  He does not do drugs but when he's out with friends is much more than a social drinker.  He is extremely impulsive and life revolves around him.  I am almost 60 and I don't think he's ever once said happy birthday, anniversary or happy mothers day to me once and literally my husband and I have done everything for him his entire life.  We are even still moving him almost yearly when he decides he want to take another job or live somewhere else.
Working on Us / Re: Are many of us Bi-polar?
« Last post by 1footouttadefog on Today at 08:47:51 AM »
Bipolar comes in several types.  As in the website you linked to there are two primary types and also some people have mixed episodes where the depression and mania occur together.  This is pretty rough stuff when that happens. 

Other folks can have rapid cycling bipolar.  Even others stay hypomanic most of the time then get into a mixed episode.  This can look like a real happy person suddenly going psychotic.

This is also something called cyclomythia or something like that where the extremes are not as great and the cycles are typically longer.

Many other issues can look like bipolar.  PTSD for example.  Borderline personality disorder is another.  A combination of ADHD and depression.

Just having intermittant periods of huge stress followed by a reprieve and repeating those situations could seem like bipolar.  If you think you might be bipolar I would seek the help if a psychiatrist. 

You really would want medical advise and most MD's are not qualified to diagnose and pinpoint which type of problem.  Visiting a therapist who works in conjuntion with a prescribing psychiatrist might be useful.  They are experienced with talking with you and pinpointing what the symptoms are and can then pass that to the psychiatrist who would then discuss any medical solutions. 

Quite often a great deal of relief can be found with medications.  Some medications can be limited to just thosetimes when one is dysregulating, and can be stopped again when things settle down. 

The meds used for bipolar are not the same as those for clinical depression. This is another reason not to simply visit a doc in the box for a bottle of anti deoressants.  I mention this because they made things way worse for my spouse as well as a highschool friend who are bipolar and not clinically depressed. 

I recommend you get a notebook and take some notes about how you feel day  to day.  Also think back about times in the past when you felt bad and remember what else was going on in your life at that time.  This may prove useful later.

Thank you both for your replies, I really appreciate it.

 I can seriously relate to you guitarman.  I have tried to explain what happened with my mom to others and some people think I have made it up.  Its really hard for people to understand.  I really like what you said about fear, obligation, and guilt summing up your life.  I have never heard that saying but I feel the same way.  What has helped me the most is writing, as painful as it is, just writing events and my story out.  I would suggest it.  I wish you the best on your journey of recovering who you are and your life. 

kiwihelen, I am sorry about your significant others daughter.  I was about that age when I got away from my mom.  I was absolutely terrified of her, which is why it took me so long to tell my dad what was happening.   My dad told me years later that my brother and I used to cry at his house curled up in balls uncontrollably but he never knew what was going on or how to help because we both wouldn't talk.  Fear probably controls her.  I don't know about your SOs daughter's mom but my mom also constantly bad mouthed my dad and had me scared of him at times.  What got me free was that she had put me on meds secretly without my dad knowing.  I didn't really know what I was on but I knew my mom told me that my dad would hurt me if he found out so i kept it a secret for two years, hiding my meds in empty chapstick tubes when I went to his house.  When I was 14 she was moving away and was threatening to withhold my meds from me unless I complied with her.  I just blurted it all out to my dad and his girlfriend one night since I had made the choice to go to the school my mom told me not to go to and I knew she was going to start withholding my meds.  She is probably terrified of telling you both what is happening and her mom might be blackmailing or threatening her.  The truth is what will set her free.  Does she know her mom has BPD?  I honestly thought my relationship with my mom was normal and that our relationship was how mother-daughter was supposed to be.  Maybe she is so controlled by her mom that she doesn't know anything is wrong with her.  I hope I could be of some use.  Let me know if you have any further questions.  She is old enough to have a say in the courts if she decided to get away from her mom.  I am going to keep her in my prayers. 
Funny how these bursts of clarity about my parents' twistedness (especially my mother) come with no hard and fast answers.  I feel good that I can reflect on situations and incidents, seeing them slightly differently than before, but I still don't know for sure if I'm possibly over-inflating how egregious they might be.

1). Before my terminally ill, elderly En-probably Inverted N father died, he wrote an autobiography, which I re-read recently (6 plus years after he died).  I was left with that familiar combination of feelings--missing his appealing personality traits (intelligence, humor), but also noticing his aloofness, and his self-centeredness (yes, it was his autobiography, but still!).  Yesterday, one of the phrases he'd used several times throughout really struck me as manipulative--and very familiar/typical of him, and I had that sense of being incredibly irritated by him again. 

2)  Another sudden thought I had just this morning had to do with my malignant Nmother, and what happened when I was about 11.  She became friendly with a deeply disturbed colleague of hers, who eventually attempted suicide, but didn't succeed in killing herself.  She was brain damaged for the rest of her life, and institutionalized.  I had tried talking to my mother about how uncomfortable she made me.  One of this woman's things was that she'd leave hardcore porn magazines lying around, for my brother and me to find.  My mother told me at the time to ignore them and just do my homework  :doh:.  The whole 6 month long episode of this person in our lives ended with my mother blaming me for her friend's attempted suicide, accusing me of not being kind or sensitive enough.  It messed with my head for decades in a way I can't describe.

Anyway, the thought occured to me today--what if this lady was trying to "groom" my brother and me??! Maybe she wasn't just deeply f--cked up and completely clueless?  Maybe it was deliberate?  And then I wondered, well, how complicit would my mother be in this grossness??  I've always had a high level of disgust and revulsion towards my mother, and this thought popping into my head only bumped that up another notch.

I'll never have the answers, and I still ask myself if I'm devoting too much head space to past events.  But I'm glad that I keep trying to uncover whatever is there.  As I get older, I get more and more appalled at how they behaved.
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