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Separating & Divorcing / Wrestling with the final step.
« Last post by wadingbird on Today at 08:10:20 AM »
Just want to share my thoughts with anyone out there wrestling with the same things...I'm struggling today with the question of whether or not it is okay to give up and walk away. My H has expressed remorse, is trying to win me back, and makes promises that he will change.

I'm am so emotionally, physically, and spiritually depleted that I don't think I have the energy try anymore.

The advice I'm getting from family members is that I'm obligated to try everything under the sun to save my marriage. They also point out my H's positive traits: he does not cheat, drink, lie. He works incredibly hard. He is a decent person at heart. (I believe he is.)

But he's never been able to go long without yelling, screaming, losing his temper, putting me down. He's hot and cold. I feel starved for love, affection, acceptance. Even when he gives me those things, they never feel good. I guess once someone abuses you, you can never fully trust their niceness again. His good actions don't ever really make me feel good, if that makes sense. Like I can't fully accept his efforts into my heart. He says I'm too unforgiving. But it just never makes me feel good..

Leaving him will hurt him terribly. It's like I don't feel that I have the right to do that, even though he's hurt me. Sometimes I wonder what I'm even complaining about, when there are people in the world who have it so much worse than me.

I'm scared that life will get worse and I'll regret leaving. I'm scared I'll realize that maybe I could have saved it if I gave it one more huge effort. But I'm also terrified of wasting anymore of my limited time on this Earth feeling unloved, unseen, and wondering if there is someone better out there for me.

The decision to move out came to me eventually...I knew I HAD to do it and I did, even though it was incredibly hard. I hope the decision to divorce or keep trying will eventually come to me the same way.
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Unchosen Relationships / Re: How does she know?
« Last post by daughter on Today at 07:59:03 AM »
I think this is a classic npd trick: the "sort-of-call", to trigger a call from us, so that they can feel that we're obligated to call back, to create illusion that we initiated contact with them, or worse, send us a psychic message: "I'm still here, and you can't get rid of me", to let us know we don't "control them".

During my decades of "dutiful daughter" to my npd-enmeshed parents, my tacitly shunning mother rarely called me unless there was an immediate demand to be filled.  She strongly believed I owed her a daily call; even that was inadequate attention in her terms.  On the other hand, I rarely called my enabler-enforcer father, while he often enough called me, usually with a complaint concerning my mother, or to demand that I call my mother, whether to "straighten her out" or to massage her ego because she was expressing "loneliness, neediness and sense of neglect" (note: usually a pending weekend without social plans).  My father's implicit message always involved my duty to attend to my mother and HIS unhappiness with my mother, while he invalidated my own emotional pain concerning my role as "FOO Scapegoat/disfavored daughter/useful expendable"  ("you've no right to issues", "it is what it is", "your mother doesn't like you", etc.)

When I finally "went NC" 2+ years ago, my mother made zero attempts to call me.  I've caller ID; it logs even calls that don't trigger my voicemail greeting.  My mother repeatedly lied to my semi-enmeshed oldest DS, telling him she "called" me many times; DS is convinced that I've ignored her calls even though no such calls hit my Caller ID.  Meanwhile, during 1st year of my NC, my father aggressively hoovered on our land-line, our internet-line.  His "hi guys; you call me!" messages I chose to ignore.  I suspect he didn't want to speak to me directly.  They both knew we answer our cell-phones, but not land-line.  He knew last "big bad FOO behavior" episode was inexcusably rude and hurtful, yet skipped a "I'm sorry, please call me".  Given that self-entitled "you owe me", his calls just reinforced my NC.  When, after several weeks of hoover-voicemails, he finally called my cell-phone, immediately blasted me with "what the hell is wrong with you?", and to blast me again with invalidation, to re-obligate me.  No thank you.  My policy: ignore all hang-up calls, all unidentified and/or undesired screened by voicemail, no response to summons without stated legitimate reasons.  The phone was once a major tool for npd-parents, to inflict their vindictiveness and malevolent self-entitlement upon their adult-children; email and facebook have joined telephone as mouth-piece for their demand and expectation.
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Warm welcome and it's a huge help to have a support system like your bf, doctor and therapist. I'm glad you feel safe now and sorry xh turned out abusive - many here find they've selected mates similar to a toxic parent. It's not your fault, it's how you were programmed to think of love.

Many here also suffer form CPTSD and if you haven't already please check the link on the homepage left-hand side. Also if you haven't noticed the toolbox at the top of the forum there's some super good resources there. And finally since you're dealing with workplace issues there's a sub for him specifically for the workplace. There's also an unchosen subform for those who have had blood relatives to deal with.

Are you still in contact with your mother? Have you talked to anyone in human resources about the toxic work environment?
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Unchosen Relationships / Re: How does she know?
« Last post by VividImagination on Today at 07:48:52 AM »
And here I was thinking it was just mine!

OMG WI - the constant calling over and over and over and over and overrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...something I certainly DON'T miss. While four nuisance calls in the span of two hours is annoying (I swore she was going to start panting and ask what I was wearing - it was that obvious that it was a prank call) it's nothing compared to the speed dial marathons she used to hold where she would hit redial 10-15 times in ONE MINUTE. Literally, as soon as your voicemail kicked in and she realized she wasn't going to be "obeyed" by you answering what she referred to as "your electronic leash" (yes, her actual words) she would disconnect and hit redial. I would watch her do this to my siblings for hours - she would call hundreds of times - she was that obsessed with what she considered a personal slight. It didn't matter that you were asleep, in a meeting, at work, in the bathroom, in the hospital, dead - you HAD BETTER ANSWER THAT PHONE. She was so stupid, however, that she didn't understand that phones can be silenced and you won't realize that you missed 98914651674 calls until you look at the phone. And even then you still won't care.  ::)

Hopefully she will get tired of this game eventually and move on to bother some other sibling who is LC/NC - there are plenty of us to go around. That's what happened when she pulled this game four months ago - lasted about six weeks until she got bored from my lack of reaction. DH and I discussed this last night and are wondering if she is developing dementia or if physical/emotional issues from the last several months are causing her PD to worsen. She has gotten much worse in the last five years, and her bout with cancer three years ago made it so bad we went NC, followed a year later by other siblings. She ignored us for nearly two years, but now...sigh. I hope enSis has fun with this, cause ain't nobody else gonna lift a finger to help her. She finally got what she wanted...NM alllllll to herself.

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The question of how to explain and what to say is a frequent topic over on the Unchosen board. First, do not ever JADE - see Toolbox. You do not owe anyone an explanation nonPD or PD for anything you do. Second, just because a question is asked doesn't obligate one to answer.

Often what most have found when sharing with others not familiar with PD is a whole bunch of invalidation. Most have found benign answers best. In your case your son is a grown man out on his own and at this point in life you'd most likely not be privy to his life detail anyway, just significant events. So if you choose, a simple reply such as 'oh he's fine, how's your son/daughter/grandchild' is sufficient answer to a 'how's son' question. 'Do you hear from him a lot' perhaps 'oh I'm sure as often as most people hear from their adult son' And if some people get a whiff of potential gossip fodder and pursue it try a more pointed MC (medium chill) response and change the subject.
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Unchosen Relationships / Re: How does she know?
« Last post by Kestrel on Today at 07:45:51 AM »
It makes sense that female Ns would be obsessed with Princess Diana.  Ns want to be a princess, or better yet, a queen.  They can make pretend that they're Diana and enjoy all of the N supply royalty gets.
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Unchosen Relationships / Re: Just a Vent
« Last post by PrettyPictures on Today at 07:43:18 AM »
You guys have it right.  That's how I was feeling.  The sentence "Can you imagine what it would be like not to have support..".....
That one sent up a huge red flag right away.

And I'm also suspicious of the overload of compliments.....
Because again, I had virtually no communication with this Aunt for the past 15 or 20 years. 

She might not have ever jumped on the nasty bandwagon with the other two sisters,  but I keep getting this intuitive feeling that she has the same goal as them.
But I wasn't completely sure so I wanted to see what you all thought.

I decided to stop responding to anymore messages.  If they want to deal with it by going thermonuclear with the guilt trips.....I'm ready for it. 

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:woohoo:  for you guys!
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Unchosen Relationships / Re: How does she know?
« Last post by SpringButterfly on Today at 07:35:48 AM »
Yes it's odd, DH noticed no matter what time we left our house for church FOO we're either directly in front or behind. We'd leave extra early some days and slightly running late another yet there they were. We had no idea how it was possible. And it didn't matter which direction we headed in, they would pull in the lot just ahead or behind us. >.<
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Unchosen Relationships / Re: Final hoover (for this debacle, anyway)
« Last post by Kestrel on Today at 07:35:28 AM »
Hooray for BF and you!   :applause:  :bighug:  And thank goodness this round of hoovers is over.  Sheesh!
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