It sounds like you are making nice progress with your therapist - good job! 💟
IME, it is of utmost importance to keep the ball rolling in this positive direction, where you are taking care of you and your child.
Like you, I have been learning how to love myself and feel worthy of things the average healthy person takes for granted, so I understand how foggy things can get when it comes to balancing compassion for one's self and for our PD SO - especially at times when the SO is in an especially needy or vulnerable situation.
Boundaries are the issue as you so aptly stated, and are crucial to set and maintain right now.
It's taken until now for me to understand that boundaries are the manifestation of one's level of self-love and self-respect. Boundaries are literally what defines who you are .... What differentiates you from all others....What makes you unique. They are what make you, you.
By honoring them, you show how much you love and respect you have for yourself. Honoring them means knowing what is important to you and making choices that reflect these values. It means giving importance and priority to your feelings. It also means that you hold others accountable when they knowingly - or unknowingly - violate them.
In making choices for yourself and your child that reflect what YOU really want and need, you will be taking charge...making a stand..and reclaiming your Self.
If I were in your shoes, I would HONOR your feeling of discomfort (at the thought of PD having access to your home - for ANY reason) by saying you aren't comfortable with this degree of closesness, and "I'm sorry, but No... I'm not going to allow you access to my home."
To help with feelings of guilt that crop up, I sometimes ask myself "What would my uBPD/Nh do if he had some crisis to manage and I genuinely was not available?? What if I were called out of town? Had a flat tire? My phone died?"
The answer is he would find another way!
He probably wouldn't like it....Things would probably be more difficult to manage....And, he'd probably blame me...But his displeasure is always present anyway, so what have I got to lose, really?
In your caee, you'd at least have gour own private haven away from him and he could do his ranting at HIS place - wherever that is.
By the way, it is AMAZING the resources that show up when they are truly needed. You are not in a position - IMO - to provide him an easy way out of his situation.
If you really want to help him, sticking to your boundaries will do just that because it will force him to take responsibility for his choices.
My thoughts and prayers are with you, Phantom.
You are doing wonderfully... Hold strong and don't let him breach your safe haven!
Love n Hugs,
P.S. Edited to add that your concern about your PD ending up a few doors down didn't escape my attention. I do empathize with having to see his car, etc... and dealing with that trigger.
However, I do feel that if you hold strong and take stand with regards to maintaining your privacy as it currently stands, you will begin to feel more empowered and dare I say, initiate healing from within. You will begin to feel stronger and this perhaps might ease the strain him moving close by might impose on you.
Keep posting... We're here for you!