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Separating & Divorcing / Re: hhaw thread 2
« Last post by Wednesdayschild on Today at 08:33:23 PM »
Oh, it'll be interesting alright...

I actually find it encouraging that the whole point of their brief is to attack the judge. Looks kind of pathetic, you know? Like they have nothing more substantial to go on.

It could seriously backfire on them. After all, judges all know one another. Whatever judge gets the case next could take offense at their attack on his or her golfing buddy and see this malicious prosecution for what it is.

Your PDs could find themselves getting blacklisted.

Now that your attorney is fully on your side she'll be highly motivated to eviscerate them in her response.

Of course, you never do know how these things will turn out...
"This is My Story" - Introduce Yourself Here! / Re: Hi. I'm new.
« Last post by Latchkey on Today at 08:31:52 PM »
Hi WifelyLove,

I just want to add my welcome. As others have said, this is a dangerous situation for you and your H. Hanging yourself in the garage is more than just suicidal ideation it is an attempt-- was he seen at a hospital after this? We can't diagnose here but your H is showing many PD traits of BPD/ASPD/NPD. Cluster B. My exH fit that profile and was abusive as well. We had 2Ds together and after a while he had no problem using violence and emotional abuse in front of them. They are now 14 and 17 and doing well because I got them away from the violence.

I would recommend getting yourself to a counselor or therapist to help and support you. I also think you should be talking to a DV counselor as his behavior is putting you and your S in danger.

As for discussing with him a possible diagnosis, we call this Amateur Diagnosis and it's success rate with people with PD's is near zero because one of the traits is "lack of insight". Though a person with a PD may have moments of clarity and can make promises to change, they often do this only to lure you back when they feel they are being abandoned.

It's scary stuff, but the reality is you can only help yourself and your S.

Do you have support of others, friends, family, co-workers?
Do you have a safe place to go if he becomes violent?

Here are a few links to help you from the Toolbox.

Abusive Cycle

Amateur Diagnosis

We are here for you!


namaste toby, there is an old saying that came to me after i read your reply;
before enlightenment chop wood carry water
after enlightenment chop wood carry water.
enlightenment is not about perfection. but it is about awareness. the original meaning of the word sin is actually lack of awareness.
we are each an individual spark of All That Is, already perfect, contributing to the evolution and expansion of the universe with our experiences in this world and others.
i am glad you have read the four agreements, of which there are 5 now. his teachings have really helped me remember and validated so many things for me.
Chosen Relationships / Re: Unenderaing qualities
« Last post by foglights74 on Today at 08:24:48 PM »
Well to add ... of course the name calling and judging too
just went out in public so how could I forget

Reminding us how much money he spends on us so we better be happy
walking in front of or behind the family looking at his phone like a 15 year old
asking the kids if he is the most handsome in the restaurant. Good grief
Getting exactly what he asks for and then not being satisfied "should of could of would of" never satisfied
I am new here, but have been reading your posts and replies: I can relate to what you are saying about these PDs having rages over nothing. My NPDh rages unpredictable over neutral comments. It wasn't this bad at first, but he picks on me for nothing then goes into a rage sometimes. I cant win: If I confront him, he rages and if I say nothing he rages. Unfortunately mine does it while I am in the car with him. He is pretty good in the house because I will tell him off and start throwing his stuff out the door.  Oh, and my H also then acts like nothing happened and gets all lovable.
I still go into a shock when he behaves like this because I have never witnessed this kind of behavior before.
An Unsent Letter / A long overdue farewell
« Last post by Spunky on Today at 08:14:35 PM »
Wow! I am actually here after a year and a half of turmoil and grief.  I kept expecting you to somehow hear me after all my failed attempts.  I made excuses for you (and for me) because I thought there was no way you could not possibly care.  I walked around in a daze for months confused and hurt...waiting for you to reconnect.  I did not realize then what a "hoover" was and welcomed you with open arms. I knew you were a wolf in sheep's clothing when you tracked me down and as I was falling asleep my tears just kept coming unwelcomed by even me.  I know I soaked your chest and remember feeling enraged when I realized by your breathing that you had fallen asleep as I struggled to stop my sobbing.  So here is what I wish for you... Mind you that I am realistic and know none of these can come to fruition for you.  Here goes...

I wish you peace and love...
I wish you gentle and caring friends..
I wish you prosperity and good karma..
I wish you health and happiness...

This is my goodbye . I am a much different person than you and I thank God for that each and every day.  You taught me that I am self reliant...I am strong...I am loving....and that you can never NEVER break me. I am your very polar opposite.  I did not add to my parting wishes that you could be like me or live my example because you cannot. BUT I CAN AND I WILL EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE!!!
Unchosen Relationships / Re: Duty, Obligation and 'Stuff'
« Last post by VividImagination on Today at 08:11:43 PM »
NM got a beautiful new dining room set several years ago, replacing my grandmother's set.  She then decided since I'd just moved into a new house (with no dining room - did that on purpose!) that I HAD to have it.  She insisted that I "set aside" an area in my large living room for it.  Grrr.  Can we say "I don't wanna"??  It was from the 1950s, rickety and definitely NOT our style...BUT IT WAS GRANDMOTHER'S!!!!!  My reply was, "If it's so wonderful why don't YOU keep it??"  But somehow it still ended up in my living room for the next five years.

About six months after I went NC, the dining room set just pissed me off every time I walked through that room.  I finally called my sister and offered it to her.  She hmmed and hawed for a bit (she didn't want it either), then finally asked what would happen if she didn't take it.  I replied, "Craigslist."  My father suddenly showed up the next day with a trailer to pick it up...I about died laughing.  I sent the ugly thing (china cabinet and all) on it's merry way and am so glad to be rid of it.  I have no idea what NM did with it, and honestly don't care.  I decided that I'm not a storage facility for things she has no use for but doesn't want to part with.  "Oh, but you could use this!!" is simply PD code for, "I really don't want it, but I can't stand the thought of getting rid of it!"

Just because this item once belonged to a dead person doesn't mean I need to be saddled with it the rest of my natural life.  Sometimes I think PDs are like hoarders in the way they sometimes assign more value to objects than to people.
Parenting / Re: The Cause of NPD: Tired of being blamed
« Last post by Bird Humming Song on Today at 08:02:37 PM »
annie, thanks for your reply and your willingness. that is a rare thing in this world, to be willing to do what it takes. i know how much i love my daughter, and i would do anything for her. your son and grandchildren are lucky to have you and i think with some new focus things can change for the better. there is no distance between hearts and he is a part of you, so the more you can change your inner self and let go of the anger and focus on the love, the better he can become.

he is not going to be able to hear you, if you speak to him directly. he is too much in the ego/mind/ but you already know that. at this point there are some things you can do yourself to change the energetics and to practice this love and commitment and focus it on your intention for the good of all of you. these are things i have done and still do.

its important to surround ourselves with positives and i cans so maybe you can start with a list of things you would like to see happen, without thinking whether they can or not. put them in a journal, and after you do some of these meditations/prayers/practice you will be in a good space to take them out read them and feel like they can happen. this is the time to focus on the new intentions. i would also put some pictures of them for you to look at as a focal point and you can especially send the grand kids love. i do energy work, and its very soothing to picture a rose colored light around them with this feeling of love. this will protect them and help them, since they are probably having a hard time. you can do the same with your son. this is also a good time to speak to them and tell them how you feel.  they will receive what you say, especially if you specifically seek to speak to their hearts and souls, and it will bypass the ego so there will be no resistance.

i feel like your son's cup of validation was never filled for whatever reason. so he seeks outer validation to fill up this emptiness. as i mentioned before, even the standard ways western society dictates we treat our children can be very damaging to a child, and some are more sensitive than others. society as a whole is very harsh and damaging as well. if his cup can be made full, than he will cease seeking to fill it.

there is  a practice called ho'oponopono that dr hew lin has brought to the rest of the world, it always was a sacred hawaiian practice not known. he was the director of a mental facility and he ran the ward which all of the criminally insane were on. the really dangerous crazy people. he started practicing ho'oponopono and holding each individual file while he did so and focused on each person. all of these people became well,were released as normal people, and they closed the ward. i think if this is possible, than anything is possible. here is a video on you tube you can watch in which he explains and leads a meditation   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ZfUvdH6Kj4
this has been very healing for me and could also help you and your family. this video is an excerpt from the longer one with joe vitale, also on you tube.

solutions are very important to me, and i do believe anything is possible. for me, it would be more upsetting to just think nothing could be done and wait. i also utilize, as you can tell, the philosophy of if you want to change the outer world, you must change the inner world. that this world is just a mirror of the inner and working hard to change the outer is like trying to comb the hair of the reflection you see in the mirror, if your hair is messed up, for example. it doesnt work. you have to comb your hair, which would represent the inner world of your inner child, the unconscious, the collective conscious or whatever words you like to use. then when you look in the mirror, things have changed. i am a big fan of carl jung and his writings on the collective unconscious. he writes alot about these same things.

the mind does not know the difference between the thoughts we entertain and "reality". science has already proved this and its well known to those who seek to control others. where your attention flows, your energy goes and you feed whatever it is whether it is wanted or unwanted. advertisers spend trillions to get humans attention, as do the media to promote their violence and endless stupidity, because they need the attention since they could not exist without it. this is why we do not watch tv and buy into any of that propaganda and i love this word programming. there is a reason they call it tv programs. its damaging to watch violence or read about it. its far better to focus on solutions and send love and kindness out instead. abraham hicks has a lot of good information on all this as well.

 this is why the above exercises will be beneficial to you. when you can have happy conversations, maybe talking about past happy times, or things you would like to have happen when you focus on the pictures and sending love to your family, the mind will think its happening and then will send out this energy and the universe will sooner or later re create this on the physical plane.

i think this will also help you feel better for you will be training yourself to focus on the positive which will therefore allow more positives in your life. as i said before, what do you have to lose in learning to trust the universe is on your side, it wants so much good for all of us. we just have to say yes and be willing to take that first step. this is also why its important to choose to be happy instead of right and to keep cleaning up all of those things that come up. i still do this.
i think this is a good start, and if i have any other ideas i will let you know, and please let me know if you have questions or want to talk some more about all of this. i will continue to hold the vision and see your improved relationships, and smiles on all of your faces. 

Good ideas Hopeful.  The SSRI is starting to kick in and I'm feeling somewhat better.  The mornings are the hardest.  I wake up and feel like Bam!  Here we are again!   

Best of luck to you!
Separating & Divorcing / Re: Just Starting Divorce Process
« Last post by Lovelylife2014 on Today at 07:59:39 PM »
Hi Time,
You and I are in similar spots.  I am finding myself cautiously optimistic about getting what I think is in my son's best interests after changing tact.  At first, I was highly assertive and found that sent stbx through the roof.  I'm still walking on eggshells, but without compromising what is right for me and my son.  I'm catching more flies with honey and while I resent the hell out of STILL doing this crap, I know I will be where I want to be once I've got a signed agreement.  Until then, I am still playing the game to a degree. 

Best of luck to you and your kiddos!
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