Save this supportive group, a local splinter group from my positive (but cost prohibitive) group therapy experience, and to a limited extent my immediate supervisor at work (and I am VERY grateful for what support I realize from her, them, and you folks), I find myself VERY much alone and isolated in the world at this point in my long, frustrating life. This tends to be either due to others' choices to cease to interact with me due to their evident refusal to own their behaviors, or my necessary and healthy choice (UP TO A POINT) to cease to accept their continuing disrespect and abuse, OR my failure, heretofore--and this is important--to learn how to assert my needs and boundaries in healthy, self-affirming ways such that I/we may continue in otherwise challenging and imperfect (duh) relationships and/or associations. Now, in the IDEAL, and nothing wrong with striving toward the ideal, except when I find myself alone and uncomfortable with that reality, it is preferred that I seek, achieve, and sustain relationships that are better and more affirming for me and my positive values, but truth shows that if I cannot find a way to assert myself while living among other sinners I cannot find a realistic way to live in this world, simply.
So, that is what I am working on, now, to bring greater REALISTIC awareness and conscious effort to working on being properly assertive and respectful of my values and my needs, while respecting others as they work on theirs--or not. It still remains a sticky circumstance when I observe others CHOOSING to live daily in their own fog of denial and self destructive, and destructive toward others, behavior. I simply do not know--nor do I expect to ever know--when it will be fair and appropriate to write such souls off. (My choice, though, I grant.) For, I understand, not only does going "No contact" leave me isolated, and possibly give me seeming excuses not to work on ME, it can also be a way to manipulate, abuse and gaslight others.
Nothing's ever simple. My future goals, then, include first getting myself relatively whole, so that I may reasonably withstand the aggression, or simple void-claiming, of others, and responsibly assert myself. Then, once that is achieved I mean to work toward "New Contact," where "New Contact" will include a revisiting of previous relationships toward the end of offering a healthier self that might be better able to withstand their imperfect intrusions into my space, and thus accommodate a relatively healthy relationship with imperfect others, like me, going forward.
(Right now I am still pushing back against the terrible, dark, sadly seductive, but observably destructive leaning toward seeking retribution for others' past abuses. I do not want that! And other than passive aggressive behavior I have mostly been successful in quelling the inclination toward retribution. I KNOW I need to focus on taking better care of me in the now, but I also know that means I have to be patient with myself as I let those terrible wounds--wounds I factually did NOT invite--heal a bit. On the other hand, how can they heal until I achieve a healthy way to look to my needs and values in the now? Sigh.)