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Separating & Divorcing / Re: saw my ex today, spooked me
« Last post by Hikercymru on Today at 12:30:06 AM »
Thank you all.  I can't express how helpful all your responses are. From the fiery and funny to some rock solid practical advice and warnings. I will get the book. And I am working with the police to document everything. The anxiety is getting better, I have been really busy in work,  and that has taken my mind of it. Still need to make some moves towards personal safety.  All the helplines are only open during office hours and I will be able to make some time next week to phone.
Yes, they can't let go. Stalking fits in perfectly with everything my ex is.
I am not letting him get to me.
Thanks for all the good mojo!   :grouphug:

Since this is a new phase, I thought I'd start a new thread.   :)

I signed off on the offer and our tentative closing date is 6/28.   :yahoo:

I've already started notifying utilities - I got all of them except the electric  off auto-pay, and for that DH has to fax my POA and a cover letter - not a biggie.

Same with his supplemental health insurance - I can't find the contact/fax information, so I'll call and take care of that on Monday - I need to get that checking account down to $10 ASAP!  (To thwart ADT and the auto lease bank.)

I also canceled his credit card, just in case it was used as overdraft protection or given as a backup means of payment.   :ninja:

I'll also have to transfer dad's pension to the new account - and have paperwork coming from them to make me the representative payee.  (After Medicaid kicks in, I'll just sign his pension over to the nursing home.)

After the pension is transferred to the new account, I CLOSE the old one.

Online banking ROCKS!   ;D

I saw Saul today about sheltering the assets and OH MY GOD.  I swear, the man's brain must be MASSIVE!  I don't know how it fits in his skull because nothing he said made any sense at all - I told him quite frankly, he might as well be speaking Esperanto.

He said that's normal - and he teaches this stuff to other lawyers who also don't comprehend and ask a TON of questions, repeatedly - so now I don't feel TOO totally stupid!   :blush:

The thing with the checking account and starving out the vultures - Saul said that's EXACTLY what to do, so yay, me!   On this test, I get 1 out of 100!    :phoot:

Dad will pay Saul $16,500 to shelter at least $60K from the state *AND* pre-pay DH's and my cremations/funerals.

I just hope we don't have to take him up on the offer now - I'd like to at least wait until we're dead.   :bigwink:

Yes - that does seem like a HUGE chunk o' change, but it's long, involved, tedious and there's a lot of mathematical formulas involved *that he understands* - so it's worth it  - especially if my dad somehow *does* live to be as old as my 101-year-old uncle.

He probably won't, but you never know - and if we can preserve *something* - $60K is MORE than a little something, IMO - it's worth it.   :)

The list of materials he needs is the same one Medicaid requires, but he goes through it from *our* perspective and not the state's.  It's long, extensive and I have to make a few calls about getting copies of tax bills, water bills and a few other things - like a statement from his pre-paid funeral.

Our state is BRUTAL.   :blowup:

Dad gave his two brothers, his sister and me each $1,000 after he cashed in some bonds two years ago - the state is going to ding him hard for that and give him a *five month* Medicaid waiting period penalty.

WTF?  :aaauuugh:

What do you do when somebody wastes ALL their money on QVC items over $2,000 or gives most of it to that one relative that's taking advantage of them?  The frivolous/duped person gets *punished*?  How do you get to stay in an SNF when you need to be in one, but Medicaid is...MAD at you?   :blink:

Seriously - all expenses over $2,000 in the last *five years* must be JUSTIFIED.   :aaauuugh:

Even paying ourselves for the work we did - work that gave us a $5,100 sale price on the house above list - has to be justified because the state thinks that's just the sort of thing you DO for family!

When I explained it - these are all things WELL beyond the normal things you'd do for family, he said we'd have been better off hiring people and paying them a higher rate. 

I told Saul we didn't have the luxury of TIME.  He thought I was arguing - I told him I really wasn't, I was just frustrated and trying to explain myself badly that it was a hoarding situation, the place needed work, we're able to do the work, so we did the work - and it's only around $2,064.  For 103.5 hours of work - from both of us  - and I'd be able to justify it.  DH is good at keeping records.

But...we can bill for it.  We just have to be careful and it may somehow get dad dinged as a "gift" - and it may lower dad's monthly bottom line (insert big, long explanation involving a LOT of incomprehensible mathematical tables and charts here.)  :stars:

We need to come out and say, "This $2000 got him $5,1000 - a net gain of $3,100.  And the house sold less than 24 hours on the market *through our hard work* - and hope Medicaid finds that acceptable when the time comes.   :blink:

Like I said, it's big, it's long, it's nearly incomprehensible to somebody of reasonable intelligence - but it's LEGAL and Saul knows his stuff. 

And all phone calls and consults once I pay him, from that point on are FREE - which is good, because I'll probably be making a LOT of those!   :sharkbait:

DH said, "It's almost like, when you get to a certain age, you get penalized for spending any money."

I agree - that's exactly what it sounds like. 

Some families are normal and loving and caring and I can see grandparents wanting to give gifts - or partially pay for college educations or weddings or a car or something else big-ticket for their beloved grandchildren - but not knowing they need to shelter that stuff, winding up in nursing homes and getting smacked hard by our state for not being prescient.

All the laws here changed in 2006 - and many lawyers got out of estate planning because it's just so damned *hard* - especially if the person is alive, moderately well-off and in an SNF.

Oh...and unBPD mom's failed business may screw things up - OF COURSE!   :rofl:

They hemorrhaged money and always owed federal and state taxes, but Saul needs to see that information - the tax returns. 

You know those plastic storage bins unBPD mom had everywhere?  I kept a few, just in case - I have dad's sorted paperwork in them, but now I have a pretty big bin with all the information Saul needs, ready to go - and I'm already mostly done gathering, but will need a few more days.

I don't know *why* I felt like I was going to have a heart attack when Saul told me the fee - it's not *my money* - and he'd already factored that in to the bottom line figures for dad's care and how to shelter things when they become a "liquid bubble" - as he said.

I don't think it was FOG - I think it was just *extreme* sticker shock at the lengths you have to go to in this state!

But...we're doing it.  Even if unNPD dad doesn't particularly give a shit about me and liked to use money as a hoover/carrot, it's *disgusting* that you can work all your life and without some very intricate, fancy and delicate legal footwork - lose *everything* in a matter of months.

And it really is good news in disguise.  I thought he'd be able to shelter maybe five grand!   ;D
I agree with the other posters. Don't feed the bears with attention. Let the police and courts handle it. Also call up that handy man who changed the lock and tell him to change it back or you'll take him to small claims court for doing unauthorized work. Use any and all means to disengage.
Dealing with PD Parents / Re: The funny things they say
« Last post by DaughterDearest on Yesterday at 10:56:23 PM »
ha! GREAT response!   :applause:

NPD Mom once declared similar- that she was just going to put herself first no matter what. She was no longer going to revolve her life around her children and grandchildren's special days, she was tired of  it.If she wanted to travel, she was going to do it no matter if it was one of our birthdays, birth of a grandchild, etc.    :stars:

But, of course the first time she wasn't around for the special event, all she did was pretend she was heartbroken and wished she were there. :roll:
Think about that for a moment.  You have no control over your mother's reaction to NC.  Nor do you have any control over what her parents think, or anyone else's reaction for that matter.  If your mother wants to paint you the bad daughter to everyone in the family, that's an unfortunate byproduct of NC.  You have to remain steadfast, grounded in your knowing that you aren't a horrible daughter, no matter what.  So you let go of those things you can't control-- namely other's response and focus on what you want-- i.e., freedom from the pain of the relationship.

Let's say you send the card.  Maybe you've convinced yourself that everyone concerned will think of you as a "good daughter".  But you don't know that.  What if your mother paints you the bad daughter anyway, even if you send the card?

So I'm not sure I can explain this thing because it's so inside out, but here goes. After years of contemplating going full NC, which at this point means just cutting out those last 5 snail mail cards per year, I grapple not with what NPD parents will say nor whether other people will actually think I'm a bad daughter (I'm sure some of them already do and some of them already don't, and they'll probably stay that way and I won't know one way or another), but with whether I will ruminate about the matter.  In other words, the decision not to go full NC has thus far stayed this way because I am bothered by the possibility that I will be bothered (I meant to write that twice) thinking about what NPD parents could or couldn't do with the fact that I cut ties fully. Sometimes, it just seems easier to give them the card...not because of what they will or will not do (I know I've already been smeared anyhow), but because I will not THINK about them and what they could do (even if they've already done it).

I don't know if that makes any sense. But I do think that there's possibly another reason as to why I should consider not sending the card, and that is that perhaps I will feel I've validated myself, for myself. Sending the card always seems to invalidate me and what I've been through, even when I try to do it on a completely removed and almost administrative level. It is this idea that I might sense some renewed feeling of self-validation that I'm leaning towards not sending the card.

Thanks for taking the time with these jumbled thoughts.

Dealing with PD Parents / Re: The funny things they say
« Last post by WomanInterrupted on Yesterday at 10:17:54 PM »
You are a NATURAL at this!   :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

Be PROUD of yourself!  That was amazing!   :applause:

And I'm just SO glad she's finally thinking of herself for a change!   :rofl:

When you leave them stammering or at a loss of words - you didn't "win" the war, but you've at least "won" that round by *detaching.*

You didn't do what she expected/needed you to do - jump in, save her, do it FOR her, offer her money - all the things she's expected you to do in the past, and she's at a HUGE loss.

She may up the ante - be prepared for it.  The things they can do and the lengths they'll go to, to get you back in line border on total insanity - or go WELL into it. 

Common Behaviors / Re: Do they stare at you?
« Last post by WaitingForTheSun on Yesterday at 10:09:29 PM »
I've noticed the awkward staring from my narc father, too.  It usually happens after he says something mean or cruel, and then, he scrutinizes me for a reaction.  I think he's just fishing for drama, like a bedraggled cat staring at a mouse.  He usually gets nothing out of me anymore, so he gets frustrated with that.  Sometimes, he just stares at me like he has no idea who I am.  It's an expression which reads like, "Who is this person?..."  It's incredibly awkward and unsettling, as always. 
Dealing with PD Parents / Re: It's not enough
« Last post by all4peace on Yesterday at 09:48:21 PM »
However, in an interesting twist, about 20 minutes after I posted the original message in this thread this morning, I received a second email.  The first line said that she is sorry for any stress she has caused me.  That is a decent start - I'll take it.  Then immediately went on to say that she's not sure how to do this & she'll let me start.  She misses her grandkids & wants to see them.  So, I guess I can work with this, although I wish she'd act like the parent for once.
That seems like a really good sign! I understand your last sentence, but I'd point out that many PDs are controlling and domineering, and I actually think it seems like a good sign that she's letting you take the lead.
Common Behaviors / Re: Didn't know where else to ask this question....
« Last post by kiwihelen on Yesterday at 09:41:57 PM »
Cultural norms are just that...associated with particular cultures. And cultural aspects are not as simple as being "white Irish" or "Black American", it will be also influenced by religion, social class, education etc.
My  lovely SO is a working class Scot and the first of his family to migrate and to have tertiary education. I'm middle class kiwi with early settlers in my family tree and a liberal history supporting education for women for 5 generations.
We are constantly navigating cultural differences in our relationship and as both being recovering nons we can be reactive to perceived hurts.

 I lost it at SO last weekend after getting up really early to get the house looking spotless. He's currently the person staying at home and was upset I had felt the need to "do his job for him". He didn't understand that with my extended family around for a family even we could get unannounced visitors and our house being less than spotless would be seen as a sign he was very unwell and would lead to uncomfortable questions that I didn't want him to be fielding given he has only just started working with a psychologist on his FOO issues. I felt he was second guessing my choice and not being thankful I don't have a problem with sharing housework even if I am the sole income earner. When I calmed down and explained we realised that he had assumed like most kiwi families my kin would make contact first before visiting and didn't know that a big event like this could be an exception when it came to communication about visits.
Common Behaviors / Re: Can gaslighting be silent?
« Last post by kiwihelen on Yesterday at 09:26:33 PM »
Gaslighting from the film appears to be the attempt to convince someone that words said or actions done are in their head rather than reality.

Your description sent chills down my spine because this is a pattern my SO has experienced...
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