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Chosen Relationships / Re: Being gaslighted ... or something?
« Last post by omui on Today at 01:27:24 AM »
Thank you.  I'm glad I found this site.

It's past midnight here.  He's on the couch watching T.V.  I just painted the entire bedroom myself.  He didn't offer to lift a hand.  Didn't even say it looked good, or anything.

Just ignore, ignore.  It makes me just crazy and I don't know how to not let it get to me.  He knows it does and he does it, anyway.  It's just so cruel.

It also brings back for me my own issues of abandonment as a young teen. 

Really I just want to jump off a building sometimes.

If not for my kids ...
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Unchosen Relationships / Re: My last contact
« Last post by gratitude on Today at 01:25:27 AM »
Good for you for setting boundaries. Thank you for posting this - I needed it today. I am in one of those moods where I am wondering how a mother can just turn off everything towards her child and grandchildren and live happily and no one seems to question her. Like your mother, mine said something similar to "I know you don't believe it...." I have heard that about so many things now it's ridiculous.
I have been NC for a year now. I also told NM when she tried to contact me that she needed to see a therapist and have the therapist contact me if she wanted to talk to me. That drew an evil, spiteful letter. She has written twice since, but I just ignore the notes.
I am annoyed with my sister, who has an excuse for NM for anything she does. I told her NM had not talked to my children in 5 months (which is fine with me) and GC said, well, she is probably scared to call your house. Seriously? Don't you get tired of protecting an abuser?
Her entire family (in-laws) wonders how my sister can support NM still.
I also won't know first hand if NM is sick or dies. I won't see her again. I am done.
Big hugs and hoping you are enjoying your wonderful family.
Grat
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Unchosen Relationships / Re: Still struggling
« Last post by gratitude on Today at 01:18:10 AM »
Oh, ((((((((((((lamb)))))))))))),
I am so sad to hear you feel this way. Is there any way you can talk to a counselor? You are carrying way too much burden and living on misplaced guilt. You have allowed your mother to absorb you.
Please keep posting and let us know how you are.
Grat
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Chosen Relationships / Re: Instant Replay with a Twist
« Last post by Dory on Today at 12:40:12 AM »
holymanna -

My PD went to a "domestic battery intervention program per his own volition" for over a year.  It taught him that he can't hit me, and how to abuse me in other more subtle ways.  Basically he learned how to twist the abuse back on me, and he now points out every single thing that I do that he considers abusive.

I didn't feed the dogs tonight - animal abuse / control / manipulation
I won't have sex - withholding sex
I won't give him money or let him use things I buy - financial abuse
I call him an asshole when he as been yelling at me for hours - verbal abuse
I ask him to smell a shirt after he swears he didn't spray chemicals on it - physical abuse / assault
I ask him when he is leaving - control / manipulation
I buy a dress for myself - financial abuse / lying

The list goes on an on.

I said that I think too much damage has occurred.

I agree.  Even if you miss the hell out of him, in the back of your mind, you will always be afraid that he will lash out again.  I know I am.  It makes me re-think so many things that I do or say.  It's a subtle form of abuse.

I am one to talk, because I haven't left, and I can only imagine how difficult what you are going through must be.  But don't give in again.  The percentage of men that change after an "domestic battery program" is very small.

I stuck around to see if the program would help, and all it did was create more FOG.  The things he accuses me of, and the things he learned in that class may come back to bite me in the ass.  I'm sure he has started documenting the things I do with the intentions of making me out to be the abuser.  He knows the line that he can't cross, and he dances up to it and on it frequently.  Doing just enough to piss me off, make my life miserable, and mind fuck me, all while knowing that I can't do a damn thing about it.

I wish I had told the police what he did when he did it.  I wish I was as strong as you are!  I am still coming to terms with the fact that the good man that I miss, is the same man that beat me, broke my things, and verbally abused me for years.  They are one in the same.  You can't have one without the other. 
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Chosen Relationships / Struggling w no contact
« Last post by LaDiDa on Today at 12:35:11 AM »
It's been a little over a yr since our final breakup. But here I am. Still mourning the loss of a fake relationship. I guess it's my own fault for feeding into the hoovering, thinking that maybe it meant something other than just a cruel game to him. We all just want to be loved. I know he didn't love me, but I loved him and still do.

Once again after getting me where he wantede he did what he always does and that's giving me the silent treatment because he's seeing someone. Only this time I blkd his phone #, social networking and emails so that when he attempts to reach out to me again when his relationship fails I won't know and can't give in again.

It's only been 8 days. I know it's for the best. But curiosity has me wondering if he's tried to contact me at all? I keep reading about his disorder, it helps me, but it's also consuming me. Today I feel weak. It's so hard to face the truth. The truth that all of those yrs were a lie and that he never loved me. Not to mention this sick cruel game that he's been playing for over a yr now. Why me?! I'm so angry and lost. Meanwhile he's in a new relationship. Doesn't really seem fair. Where is his karma?
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Thank you all for letting me post my story here. Found this site quite by accident. I just wanted to recommend couple books that have help me see the evil in these "said people". The author's name is: M. Scott Peck, M.D.. The first book I read was named: The Road Less Traveled and just finishing up, People of the Lie. I'm still stunned to say the least. Get them, read them!!! Educate yourselves so you can spot "said people" a MILE away! Protect yourselves, your children needs you! Keep fighting to be YOU! You are loved! For a very long time I thought " is it me"? No, it's not you, it's not me! Praying for you all before I close my eyes. Keep me in your prayers please, the children especially. They cry for their dad, not understanding it's "him" I need to protect them from. But, I do believe..."this too shall pass". Thank you all.
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Definatly get a new Therapist, Dump them both they can console each other. I have seen therapists that think she DW is the victim just because of the size differance and she presents better than me, I have had a DVO on her and several police reports but they still take her side. Again GET A NEW THERAPIST it will change your life.
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NPDh used to say about future "I will do..." whatever. About six months before our break up he announced in front of his "close friend" and her husband (long, sick story there...won;t even get into it here) "When I retire, I am out of here!" I felt humiliated, as if he was saying he was running away from me as soon as he could. Again, when I tried to "explain" that, he couldn't get why it was upsetting!

And here's another "little thing" - announcing in front of a couple we were having dinner with that I was "just like his mother - manipulative and controlling." Again, he couldn;t understand why that upset me! :doh: :doh: :doh:
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Chosen Relationships / Re: Being gaslighted ... or something?
« Last post by neveragain on Yesterday at 11:16:31 PM »
Hi omui - I agree with Unda's explanation of MC. It's not really dishonest; it is a tool to use when you recognize that other "normal" forms of communication do not work in your situation. In my case, it was really the only way to endure the last couple of months before I could get away. When you consider all the abuse and chaos that results when you actually try and have a normal conversation...and that doesn't work, MC is a last resort tool to maintain some amount of control and minimize the usual confrontations. Is it a little PA? Yes, but it is sometimes very effective.

You've been through a lot...just know that there are lots of us here supporting you and care about you. You are never alone here; there are so many who can share and offer their experiences and insights. Stay strong. Lots of hugs to you!
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Separating & Divorcing / Re: Grieving
« Last post by lifelonglearner on Yesterday at 11:15:14 PM »
 ;D I feel connected to you too!

Fears!!!!!!! - i will join in.....I remember his fear of the dark, fear that mold would grow if shower not wiped down PERFECTLY, fear of 'critters' coming in house if every speck not off kitchen floor, fear of losing a piece of silverware.

!!!!!!!!!!
I feel bad he has those fears...and perhaps/most likely many more he didn't share with me  :(

But for me to be away from those irrational fears- after being involved somehow with them for so long.....wow, it takes time to get adjusted. Some moments so bad; the grieving....but some moments SOOOOO good - the relief!!!!!!! 

Here's to more good/happy/peaceful moments. :)
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