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Unchosen Relationships / Re: Idiosyncrasies of PD parents
« Last post by lisamarie on Today at 05:46:40 PM »
I can relate to the sleeping thing. Growing up in high school, I too was involved in a lot and would have to be at practice every morning at 6:45, and of course my NM and NF were sleeping since they would stay up late every night watching loud t.v. Then on the weekends, they would get me out of bed to do chores while they went shopping or out or wherever they would go. One time, I went back to bed when they left because I was exhausted, and they came back and yelled at me to "get my lazy a## out of bed and finish my chores". To this day, 40 years later, I still feel guilty for taking a nap. I can probably count the number of times on one hand that I've "allowed" myself a nap. It's not enjoyable and I feel like at any time, someone is going to come into the room and start calling me out for being lazy.
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Unchosen Relationships / Re: My mother's eye contact
« Last post by JustAShell on Today at 05:40:04 PM »
I'm in my 40's now. She's done this for my whole life. I've always been surprised others didn't see it either and, as a kid, I assumed others thought it was fine. I thought there was something wrong with me for not liking it. The way she does it is like she is watching me in a possessive way. At times it is almost sexual (as embarrassing as it is to admit that). There is a lot of expectation in it, as if she is waiting for me to do something to connect with her or make her feel good or something.
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Unchosen Relationships / Re: are many people here NC?
« Last post by VividImagination on Today at 05:37:07 PM »
It's a mix, really. There are folks that are LC/MC, VLC, NC, and even folks living with their PD.

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Unchosen Relationships / triggers! I need suggestions!
« Last post by lisamarie on Today at 05:35:29 PM »
So, I am home sick today, and am watching mindless tv and have been especially tuned into this LMN channel movie where the girl has a close relationship with her mother and is always going to her for advice and help, then a commercial for the movie "Wild" comes on with Reese Witherspoon mourning the death of her mother, because she was such an inspiration to her, and maybe it's because I'm sick and on cold medicine, but it seems the waterfall erupted and I just let go of the tears. What? I feel like I have gotten over the  Mother's Day Hallmark cards, and the commercials saying "mom knows what's best for you", listening to friends telling me about their awesome relationships with their moms, and basically letting go of the thought of never having a mother to go to when I need "my mom". I need some coping skills obviously. I guess I just needed to know there are others dealing with this out there and how you manage to divert your thoughts into something not so dark.
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Unchosen Relationships / Re: Idiosyncrasies of PD parents
« Last post by VividImagination on Today at 05:34:02 PM »
We've also nearly missed flights/ferries etc. due to combined parental lateness. As a result I am REALLY careful with my timekeeping on major things. Also, minor things...I'd rather just be early than deal with the stress of being late. Lateness from other people really offends and irritates me, but I think I overreact to it thanks to my upbringing.

Yes, I now really overcompensate in this area due to my upbringing. I will plan things down to the tiniest detail, and I always let me family know exactly when we need to leave to arrive as planned. DH said I could mobilize an army and have them exactly on time at a specified place. Lateness actually causes an anxiety reaction for me.
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I'm pregnant at the moment and having difficulty with my parents. My NPD Dad over-reacted to me asserting myself in the smallest way over plans with extended family that I'd organised. He had a pretty childish reaction and starting playing the victim, and got my Mum on board too. Because I'm pregnant I was overwhelmed and just said to Mum that I didn't have the energy to pander to him and I'm sure he'll get over it. This obviously made things erupt even more and I got a whiny email from him. I hate feeling like having any opinion makes my whole family implode, and that they see it as me being crazy.

While pregnant, I don't have the same skills to navigate this drama very well. It gets my heart rate going, makes me lose sleep and brings on my nausea and I'm worried about sending stress hormones to the baby. My partner emailed my parents with a friendly message to say that I was taking a break from email to avoid stress and said I hadn't been well with morning sickness. My Dad took the opportunity to say that my "not coping" was affecting HIM greatly. This really got to me, but having a break now has me almost back to normal.

So now I'm temporarily out of contact and trying to focus on being really peaceful. I'm seeing them in a couple of months (I'm living abroad and flying over to visit) so I'm feeling the pressure to fix things. But I'm also aware that I didn't choose to make any drama and this shouldn't be a priority.

Does anyone else have experience or advice with "the middle chill" and forming new boundaries in adulthood with PD parents without going NC? I'm tired of being treated like a child and being so passive with my parents, and my own family is about to be number 1! I think my first step is going to be staying at b&bs, and never the family home again (we'll see how that goes down)!
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Unchosen Relationships / Re: Idiosyncrasies of PD parents
« Last post by coralreef on Today at 05:25:57 PM »
And she became a hoarder of stuff that was *important* to her, and nobody else. I had to clean around her piles. Ugh. If guests were expected we moved piles into a room and closed the door behind it. Super dysfunctional.

I still wonder how on earth she/they didn't SEE the condition of our house or even worse conditions of the yard as not normal?


Ugh, yes. My mother's house is still insane. She's a 'clean' hoarder but it's still really, really messy and whenever I tried to clean it, by god forbid throwing out some papers or junk, she'd be totally resistant. At Christmas we'd move the piles somewhere for her to 'sort out later', I assume they're still there.
Since both children have left, she's filled up my brother's room with insane amounts of craft hoard, and my room with other junk and crap. She had a go at me for still having clothes in my wardrobe because she needed the space, so one afternoon I went in there, put everything into a charity bag and went to give it away. But she went super twitchy cos she has that mindset of 'but we might use it someday'. It's crazymaking. Never mind I didn't have room to store my no longer wanted clothes at my new place.

I kind of forgot how bad it was when I lived in it, and to be honest my room at their house was a tip. It was tiny and I had way too much stuff, and every time I tried to clear it out or give things away, Mum wouldn't let me, or she'd keep things for herself. I had to hide rubbish bags deep in the bin so she wouldn't know I'd done a clean out. Now I've moved out I've become very neat and when I go back to their house (less and less often) I'm always shocked at how messy it is. My ex boyfriend was really shocked when he went to visit for the first time.

And lateness...again, Mum projected the blame for our lateness onto Dad a lot, but she is just as bad. Dad is late for things because he's selfish and lives in his own world; he just doesn't leave enough time and he isn't affected by others. Mum never leaves enough time to get anywhere or gets distracted by stupid things. We meet for lunch once a week and she's late every. single. week and blames the traffic (so just leave earlier???). When I used to go with her to church, she'd be late by at least 10 minutes if not longer. One time she tried to blame it on me and I refused, it was pretty funny cos she had to backtrack in front of someone else. Amazing. Anyway, after a while I decided to let her own the lateness and I started arriving at church 5 minutes early. Her lateness being her own problem became readily apparent.

As far as I'm aware she's consistently late to work but as she's largely sole charge, gets away with it.

We've also nearly missed flights/ferries etc. due to combined parental lateness. As a result I am REALLY careful with my timekeeping on major things. Also, minor things...I'd rather just be early than deal with the stress of being late. Lateness from other people really offends and irritates me, but I think I overreact to it thanks to my upbringing.
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Unchosen Relationships / Re: But she's aging!
« Last post by Tinkerbell59 on Today at 05:22:25 PM »
Not me, AprilFools. I've turned the corner on the finances. It would be okay with me if she moved into a cardboard box.

Karma is a bitch :yeahthat:
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Unchosen Relationships / Re: My mother's eye contact
« Last post by Tinkerbell59 on Today at 05:14:24 PM »
I think this is very controlling; a hallmark of NPD. They expect you a be a carbon copy of them. If you have your own thoughts and opinions you are considered a threat;treated like a piece of trash. That's why everything was great between NPD mom and myself until I hit puberty. She always said "we were two peas in a pod". My mother did not use the same tactic but I understand the intent because she was very controlling in other ways. You did not indicate how old you were. I'm surprised other people didn't pick up on this. Very intimidating.
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Unchosen Relationships / Re: Idiosyncrasies of PD parents
« Last post by VividImagination on Today at 05:14:17 PM »
Wow, these stories are enlightening.

NM had major food issues as well. If she cooked it/provided it and you didn't want it or eat it she would become enraged. This actually led to severe child abuse on several occasions of children, grandchildren, and even a few non family children. I remember children being forced to sit at a table sobbing for hours because wouldn't or couldn't eat what was on their plate. One of the incidents that led to NC for us was her forcefeeding our younger child (a toddler) until he vomited, then promptly attempted to shove more down his throat "because now his stomach is empty". She has also showed up at my house at midnight on a school night with Happy Meals and couldn't understand why I wouldn't get my children out of bed to trot out to the car (she could rarely be bothered to come in), thank her, and eat their processed garbage she knew I didn't allow them to have. Her food purchasing and hoarding was epic. Even when only she and Nsis lived in the house they had two full size refrigerators, two large freezers, two large pantries and half of a garage stuffed with food.
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