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Bre71 - My heart goes out to you and those innocent kids being dragged through the trauma and drama of the lies you are all dealing with in this woman. I am really sorry things have ended this way. Now that you know the truth - may you begin to let go and heal from all that you have been subjected to in this relationship.
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I've gone LC and MC with my uBPDm and uenNF 10 months ago.  I've followed a lot of the advice on this website and tons of books I've devoured on the subject and will say that I am OOTF for the majority of the time.  (We all know how you can get PULLLLLLED back in!)   One thing I've noticed is that when I do speak to my parents over the phone, the waifing, victim, sobbing about the plight of their life is all I get from uenNF.  These phone calls are so difficult.  I really don't even know what to say back.  What I want to say is, "You can make other choices in your life than the ones you do", "You can't blame anyone but yourself, you made the choices you did", "Sorry, I am not responsible to fix your life" 

These type of responses will undoubtedly cause rage, so I sit there silent, biting my tongue saying nothing and then the call ends.  And then my mind starts reeling.  Any good healthy suggestions to responses to their waifing, sobbing, victimhood of the plight of the life that they created?
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Working on Us / Re: They didn't teach me self-anything
« Last post by Adria on Today at 06:29:20 PM »
Yes, great post biggerfish! I can so relate.
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Common Behaviors / Re: Pets and PD's.
« Last post by Whiteheron on Today at 06:15:28 PM »
I see a lot of MIL in the dog comments. She's always had a dog and they always tend to have one "issue" or another (created and fostered by her). I believe she needed the dogs to need her, so created that kind of bond with them.

As for my stbxuPDh...he used any pets he bought as a means of control. He bought pet #1 when we were just out of college. When he was gone on business trips, I was told I wasn't allowed to go anywhere after work because (self-sustaining pet) had been alone all day and was lonely.  :roll: Then he had to buy pet #2 because pet #1 needed a "friend". Since we had two, we weren't allowed to be gone for long periods of time, because "pets were home alone". I kept telling him this kind of pet was independent and didn't care if we went out...but it was his excuse to keep me in the house.

Now, after I've filed, he's in major hoovering mode. After one of the pets comes to me for attention then walks away, he will get up and follow the pet and give it tons of attention and praise. Very funny to watch. He really goes over the top. ILs visit and note that pet#1 sure loves me because it follows me around everywhere. Really funny to watch stbx's response - I think he was actually jealous? Said, well pet#1 likes me and follows me around too! Watch! (as he desperately tried to get pet to come over to him). I mean really, who cares?
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Chosen Relationships / Re: Help! Which Disorder? Fixable?
« Last post by Shell92127 on Today at 06:06:16 PM »
You may need to spend time apart to find your strength. Do you live with this person? Shouting, swearing
and pushing are all ABUSIVE. You are being abused and this is not ok.
 :no: :thumbdown: :thumbdown: :thumbdown:

I was verbally, emotionally and physically abused for 15 months. We did not live together and had several breakups
during that time but I always allowed him to sweet talk his way back into my life. I was in a deep FOG until I began
learning about personality disorders. I kept hoping he would change. I finally found the strength to get out May 1st.

I definitely need some time apart, although I'm not sure yet how to make that time and what her response will be. I want to feel secure, to not worry about her reactions, and definitely not have any physical confrontations.

I'm so sorry to hear about the abuse you went through, and am really happy to hear that you managed to escape from it. You deserve a good life and a someone who respects you.

Quote
Whether you stay in THIS relationship or not please read up on behavior change requests and validation.
I would also say get clear in your own mind your definition of love & your partners'. Have a discussion
about this!

A definition of love I like is this: when your partner's needs rise to the level of your own needs.
and you would not do anything to intentionally hurt them.

I'll make sure to study up on this. In the past I haven't wanted to admit to myself that anything was wrong, but now I want to understand what has been happening.

I long for the kind of love and respect you describe, and for a healthy relationship with all the elements in that list. You've given me a lot to think about, and I won't take for granted everything you've shared.

Jolly--YOU too deserve a good life and a someone who respects you. You sound like a very dear & tender-hearted person. I hope what I have shared will help you.

 psychological/emotional abuse is very damaging.

psychologically speaking psych/emotional abuse actually does more damage than physical abuse. The only time that's not true is if the physical abuse does some kind of crippling or maiming or disfigurement. Otherwise, psychological abuse is more - has more psychological effects. You feel worse about yourself for longer.
over time it impairs your ability to sustain interest, trust, compassion and love. In another words, you can't love this person without hurting. We are actually programmed to believe what people we love say and how they treat us, to be about us. It is called it the mirror of love. The only way you know how lovable you are, and how valuable your love is to other people, is by interacting with people you love. So if somebody hits you, it's a little bit easier to see that that person has a problem, at least an impulse-control problem. But when they're demeaning you or making you feel inferior, you're actually psychologically programmed to believe that's your problem.
I think a lot of us hit that ‘final straw’ moment when we realize that we can’t change these personality disordered people. That they don’t want to change. That they don’t care about us enough to bother making the effort.


Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing. Keep reading these boards. It helps. All the best to you.
 :) :)
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Working on Us / Re: They didn't teach me self-anything
« Last post by biggerfish on Today at 05:35:52 PM »
For me, i was never encouraged to do things for myself that might help me individuate as a person. It was positively discouraged. My mother smothered me and instilled fear about life, consequently i proscrastinate rather than act, not take risks, play it safe. Things cant go wrong when you dont play it safe.

I suppose self expression covers it as well

Oh I like the word self-activation. It has the word "activity" in it. I'm so sorry you were  treated that way. I'm glad you're doing battle with it. What an awful message for a child to receive.

In my family, it was a little similar, in that we were always assumed to be "influenced" by others. We never had a thought for ourselves. 
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An Unsent Letter / Dear BA
« Last post by SmartyCat on Today at 05:20:15 PM »
Dear BrotherAss,
Just ONCE, I would like an exchange to go like this:
Me: do nice thing
You: "thank you"
Me: "you're welcome"

Instead of:
Me: do nice thing
You: "thanks, and did you/can you also do this nice thing for someone else [subtext: if you were a thoughtful person you already would have thought of this and done it without my asking]"
or
You: "thanks, and did you hear about my client who did the exact same nice thing except he ran 100 miles first and was riding a flaming unicycle at the time? You should try that sometime"

I would say this to you directly, except it never ends well. You've "always taken things so hard"  :bawl: so your feelings are not to be disturbed. Your behavior doesn't change, it just persists with a side of  "SmartyCat is difficult to get along with, life is just too short for that"  :blahblahblah: to any available audience.

*****
Off to send a suitable MC response . . . to a thank-you note of all things.
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Common Behaviors / Re: Pets and PD's.
« Last post by Lastof7 on Today at 05:10:44 PM »
 HAHAHA.  This is funny.  I'm just now noticing this.  I have a Tervis (you know, those insulated cups that are full of designs, that have a lid) that has a picture of a group of dogs (an Aussie, a Rottie, a Chihuahua, a boxer, a westie, a yellow lab, a pug, a shepherd, a basset, an English bulldog, a standard poodle, and a freaking dauschund) and the saying "DOGS....Cheaper than Therapy"

Just thought it was appropriate for this thread.
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Dealing with PD Elderly Family Members / Re: Beating myself up
« Last post by Bloomie on Today at 05:03:54 PM »
Practical - so thankful you are doing better today after this difficult encounter and making this connection:

Quote
I think beating myself up over not being perfect is a legacy too from all the "not being good enough" 

You have made incredible progress and faced down a fire breathing PD. THAT is a lot! I agree with others who have said your father has positioned himself for an epic fail and all you can do is stay safely disengaged and let the chips fall where they may.

In another thread earlier today Vivid Imagination said about telling a demanding, entitled PD "no" and disengaging:

Quote from: VividImagination
she needs a good dump and you did so well last time she's going to try to force herself on you again.

Block her...it's like finding an out of order sign on a restroom. She'll find another.
http://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=66127.msg583297#msg583297

He will simply move on to the next person in line when he finally gets the message you have resigned your post as dutiful daughter. He is unsettled, old, unwell, and discombobulated, trying to recapture a season of life that everyone but him knows is over - and it is someone's fault and someone's responsibility...cue your brother and yourself. He is just looking for a place to take a big ole dump... get that out of order sign up and don't you let it be you!
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Working on Us / Re: Addicted to the Narc Drama?
« Last post by Sunshine days on Today at 05:00:06 PM »
Apologies Sunshine Days I should have said my experience of inner child work was similar to yours and my recovery time was similar to Jade's. It's sad that we all had similar experiences but it helps to read about other people's healing, thank you.  :hug:  LW
No worries, yes it's sad and difficult to be dealing with this and carve a identity out at the same time because they don't like to us happy and free but if we battle ahead it's going to happen anyway.
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