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Thank you all for your wise counsel. What none of you has said is what you do with your anger when you feel the weight of the injustice fall heavily upon your shoulders?   I am curious where you put that anger, what do you do with it?

I am in defense mode and I hate it.  I am literally sitting here trying to dream up every possible scenario and how I will handle it.
 
What if Ndad shows up on my doorstep one day? With an ego the size of his, he could certainly do it.  I wouldn’t put it past him to force a showdown like that. How will I handle it? 

What if he tries to cause trouble for my son and contacts our city’s social services and reports some kind of non-existent abuse by myself or my son to my grandson?  How will I handle it? 

What if he goes to visit my brother for Christmas and starts spreading lies about me to my niece and nephew?  How will I deal with that loss if they believe him?

I am literally driving myself bat s__t crazy trying to imagine how to handle any foreseeable possible breach to my current position and defense strategy of No Contact.

I think that is where the anger came from.  I am angry that I have to do this, that I am being forced to protect myself when all I want is peace. It was seeing where we are in the abuse cycle that sent me round the bend.  It was knowing that it is time for him to strike again, and not knowing where it is going to come from that is making me lose it.  And it made me start trying to see what I could do to protect myself, then getting angry that I had to try to protect myself. Then wanting to go offensive.

I loved the bit PhoenixinFlight wrote about:

“Watch those vipers slither around in their pit like you are at the zoo. Get the hell out. Go on vacation for Christmas. Don't waste your energy.  All of your efforts will be lost on him. You will feed his ego and he will get more vicious.  It will escalate.  You will be actually giving him what he wants.”

But it’s hard because you know those vipers are scheming on how to get out of that pit and bite you again. I can see that clinical detachment, taking the high road as others have said, is the right way to go. And I agree I have been trying to solve this myself for 9 months, and I thought joining this forum would be helpful to me and it has been.  Incredibly helpful.  But I may need to talk to a Therapist after all.  I am such a pull-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps, be tough, never let them see you sweat, don’t cry, take it on the chin, type of a person that it is really hard for me to admit I am not making a whole lot of progress alone. There are days where I feel great and awesome now, like I have this whipped, and life is good.  And then there are nights like last night where the unfairness of it all just crashes down on me.

So if you all could explain to me what you do with your anger it would be much appreciated. Thank you all for reading my story and for your most excellent advice.
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Chosen Relationships / Re: frustrated need to vent
« Last post by NeedingAnswers on Today at 11:42:36 AM »
KF85, I can't even imagine that now. I didn't use cell phones at all before my uNPD/ASPD and I started to go together and now yes it is in my hip pocket. He texted me to tell me he loves me and misses me. I texted him back the same....... I guess I have been conditioned to carry on in love and serving no matter what he does.  :o

He has called me twice since the text to tell me how bad is job is, the changes that they made to his new schedule that he didn't choose but was given and ....venting to me. This is what his calls are for or finding out what I'm doing and telling me what I should be doing and how.  :( I love him and want to be with him and honor my vows (better or worse.. sickness and health) I am just hoping better will be soon.  :Idunno:
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Common Behaviors / Re: Presents - NPD style
« Last post by 123banana on Today at 11:38:46 AM »
My stepdad never hid that he gave me his recycled presents, particularly books he had read so often he got bored of. Never got a genuine gift. He gave his favourite child expensive gifts, generic stuff for the gender and age range the other siblings were in (even though one of the girls likes trucks and dinosaurs) and my oldest sister always got nothing from him.

I returned the favour, I think I spent more on Christmas presents for my cat than I have ever spent on presents for him.
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Common Behaviors / Re: refusing to talk to me when others are around
« Last post by KF85 on Today at 11:37:09 AM »
Somewhat. He would still talk to me if others were around. He would generally not want to "commit" to me publicly though but in private he would be upset with me for not being OK with that back and forth. It was in general so he could have different versions of himself out there based on who he was with. In a mixed group of men and women he would present himself as single just in case he "found anyone better." At work he would present me as the bitchy wife because he would bond with co-workers in that way. With friends he would be more honest about me but it would depend on the day. He got mad at me once for posting a picture on FB that had him in it - since he would never admit to being in a relationship (for 12 years) with me on a public forum like FB - because it would likely have gotten him in trouble because he cheated a lot more then he let on - at least emotionally - he had a lot of flirtations and such even if not so much sexual escapades. I would guess yours is similar.
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Common Behaviors / refusing to talk to me when others are around
« Last post by finally-free on Today at 11:31:03 AM »
How common is this??
We never had a car, so we took public transportation. His bus stop was across the street from us, and he would call me when he got there, maybe 5 minutes after leaving the house, but as soon as the bus got there he would get off the phone, or if he called me at work, as soon as he saw a coworker he would get off the phone, but if I was at the store or I was on the bus, he would expect to stay on the line. It was like he didn't want anyone to know we actually talked. I would feel that he was ashamed of me
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In my own case the physical violence wasn't as pervasive - most of the abuse was verbal or psychological. A great many of the other things she describes did happen; separation from family, isolation in the abuser's world, blaming me when violence did erupt. At one point, the ex talked of buying a gun. That was the one thing I stood my ground on and refused to let one come into the house because I was terrified that it would be used against me.

Nicholas, I edited the above quote (rmoving some of what you had in it and now it could be me writing it.

I never thought of all that has been happening in my marriage as abuse (honestly I still can't grasp it as that) but the one thing I have stood firm on is not bringing a gun into our house. (There was a shotgun here when I moved in and I didn't know it. Step son came to get it to go shooting and then my uNPD/ASPDH started talking about we should get a gun for protection  :no: (from what we live in the country and the neighbors we do have look out for each other)  :unsure:  He still brings it up about once a month and it's been over a year and a half since the shot gun left the house.
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Chosen Relationships / Re: Does he really not know he's abusive?
« Last post by finally-free on Today at 11:23:36 AM »
His brother died maybe 20 years ago, and whenever he says I put so and so on my brother, I'm supposed to believe he's telling the truth, the problem was, he lies so much, just about every story he tells is a lie, and I'm supposed to continually say, put that on your brother. I asked once, why do I have to do that, why can't he just tell the truth, apparently the truth isn't interesting!
Quite a few times, he would swear on his brother, that I said something that I know I would never say, or he saw me somewhere, and I wasn't there, so I defended myself, saying, no I didn't say that, or no I wasn't at such and such places, but because he put it on his brother, I'm a liar and he's the one telling the truth, in his mind, I am an idiot fruitcake, since I can't remember what I said or where I was. Sometimes (which actually happened a lot) he would call me and ask where I was, cause he saw someone, that looked exactly like me at such and such place. That was the most irritating, as soon as I answered the phone, instead of hi how are you, it was, what are you doing, who are you with, where are you!! And if I had the tv on and a male actor was speaking, or someone was laughing, I would have to convince him, that yes, I'm at home, it's just the tv!! Being at the store was the worst, especially if someone said hi to me, or if I was talking to the cashier, I would have to put the phone on speaker, so he knew I was telling the truth!!
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Chosen Relationships / Lies, Lies and more lies.
« Last post by followme on Today at 11:19:11 AM »
I've been Out of the FOG for a few months now and still random instances come to mind and I am connecting the dots to only now realize that they were all lies. Everything out of this man's mouth were only lies. He left me to go back to his ex of six years. One can only hope that she is able to see through the lies as well. I feel bad for her knowing all that I know now.
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Chiming in, please do not do any of those aggressive moves you are considering.  If you do even one of these things... HE WINS.

You will no longer be "NC" - you'll will be right back in their circus, driving the clown car and tossing cream pies.  Keep your dignity at all cost, and stop caring about what so-and-so is thinking about you, and whose side they're on.  If you go on the "attack" they will be be rightfully on your father's side.

Take a deep, deep breath.  If doesn't matter if they think you're green, when you're blue.  My own Nbro has some insane ideas about me that Nmom planted and nurtured.  So what?  I'm NC with the both of them.  I don't need to argue/confront my Nbro's wrong ideas until he sees it the way I do.  If I see him again, it'll be to settle Nmother's estate, and I intend to keep it business-like, with the crazy ideas in his head unchallenged by me.

Spend Xmas with your own family and/or friends instead of the extended FOO, and do not raise a peep about your brother and Ndad's party.  Just don't go.  Have your own party.
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Chosen Relationships / Re: Silent treatment is killing me silently......
« Last post by NewMe on Today at 11:11:24 AM »
two weeks is nothing...I am probably going on close to twenty years of the silent treatment (in between intermittant rages)....
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