« Last post by Boohbah on Today at 05:54:49 PM »
I have been reading on here for months, I am feeling brave tonight. I am really in need of advice And support. Firstly on this forum do you get email alerts when someone posts on your message? I am so aware that my emails are read, I delete my history every time I use the computer but wondered if this site does email alerts with links back here?
I have been thinking for ages how to put my concerns into writing, I partly do not want to see it in black and white as I will have to face it as my reality, secondly, I worry that my partner will see it and then all hell would break loose. I am also not sure how to keep this succinct as I feel I could write a book. I will try to keep to areas of concern/issues and keep it as brief as I can.
I have been with my partner for nearly three years, she was my boss and I left my husband of 12 years to be with her, I believed her to be my soulmate and so very different to my controlling, autistic husband, but I now feel I went from the frying pan into the fire. I have two children and they live with me but they have regular weekends with my ex.
My partner is very intense, initially I thought this was to do with a same sex relationship and I was so flattered and overwhelmed with all the attention and love she gave me, however, it is clear that there is so so much more going on and I absolutely believe she has a personality disorder.
Jealously- Always evident from day one, jealous of anyone who has been in my life, slowly the vast majority of my friends have been isolated from me, she says I am all she needs and her behaviour is very sulky, sarcastic and passive aggressive if I want to see them or talk about them. It has become easier and less stressful to just not contact them or see them when I know she is at work, although she will relentlessly text me when I am with them. She is very jealous of anyone I have had a relationship with, want to know all the details, but really only wants to hear the bad part of the relationships and if or when she finds a photograph of me happy with an ex, well, that is treated with absolute fury and she will sulk and do silent treatment, or make me feel guilty for being in a previous relationship. The jealousy part is so huge, she resents me doing anything but giving her attention, I have to be physically in contact with her as much as possible, even if I am crocheting she will get sulky or pass comments that she is being denied attention, same if I am on my laptop or texting.
No privacy~she reads everything, texts, emails, post, goes through my computer history, reads what I have put on forums. I am a very open person, I do Not have any secrets, I felt that if she had free access to everything it might reassure her that I am not up to anything and have no secrets from her. She access it daily, doesn't say she is but I know from some comments that she as read things, a few times she has Said I have sleep talked and revealed things from my texts and then created a row from this.
She has so many unwritten rules that I am on egg shells constantly, even if I have worked out a trigger and safe subjects to talk about, these can change and she will be hostile and give me silent treatment.
She texts her undying love to me non stop, she needs it back or she gets sulky if I dont reply quick enough, she needs my complete attention, even sitting on the sofa, she wants me to stroke her hair or stroke something lovingly, this is constant, hours on hours! If I am doing anything, she will give sarcastic jibes about not giving her any attention, even in bed if I turn over! She will ask why I have moved away, being asleep is not a reason apparently!
I know I am rambling, she is currently asleep on the sofa after two bottles of wine, so I know I can have some time to type,! And yes, she is an alcoholic, highly functioning one and one in complete denial, but I am a daughter of alcoholic parents, I know all the signs. After one bottle of wine, she can get verbally defensive and argumentative, many circular arguments she will provoke, I have learnt that whatever answer I give, it is wrong. She is very good at arguing, I hate it, she ties me in knots and even when I am completely innocent, I have to apologise and try and take to blame to calm the situation, thankfully she will often fall asleep, then Wake with no memory or if she slowly realises she has been completely out of order, she will apologise but very much manage to put some of the guilt back onto me!
She hides everything herself, her phone has only my messages on, I wouldn't access her emails but it is all secretive, she holds the iPad so I can't see what she is doing, she has her history deleted instantly, her post is hidden away and she talks in private away from me and I respect that privacy.
She is in a very high functioning job, highly regarded and well thought of, she has an infectious personality, everyone want to be her friend. She has a few work colleagues but not friends, none. She is in contact with her mother and sister but from a distance.
She had quite a traumatic past, she was abused by a school teacher who became a family friend and this person 'controlled' her for over 25 years, it was her relationship with me that stopped this dysfunctional relationships, I got the police involved and this person is now completely out of my partners life. My partner, will not access any support or counselling to work through the trauma she has been through,she says that I am all she needs, she will not discuss it and says it is boxed away. Because of this I have felt some of her behaviours are related to the abuse she suffered, I have tried to support, work through and separate, and possibly ignore the impact her behaviour is having on me.
She has stollen money from me, I have lent her a large sum of money, she keeps saying she will pay it back but she hasn't, she gets defensive and sulky and makes me feel guilty for mentioning it, and to be honest I have hardly ever asked only when my solicitor raised it for the financial side of the divorce. That aside, she used my Amazon account as her own, she said because our iPads were in sync, she didn't realise that I was paying for it all, but around this time my statements stopped and went online ( now know she set this up, but I was unaware) I could see the end balance on my bank statement, just not the individual details. Anyway to cut a very long story short, she admitted to 500 pounds of stuff and paid it back, then when I did access my statement and managed to reopen my Amazon account ( she deleted it, saying she did to stop this happening again, but it cleared my history...) I could see it was nearer to 2.5 thousand, she paid this back. But on closer examination of my statements I could see she Has been using my credit card to pay for food shopping, petrol and to take out cash, again around 2.5 thousand, she doesn't know I know this yet, I am so shocked, she knows I am going through a very expensive, traumatic divorce and that I only work part time and have two children to support! Her salary is three times mine and her outgoings much less, I have no idea what her. Money is going on.
I am at a complete loss, I love her, I am scared of her and scared for her, I feel my head is not my own, there is so much more, this is only the highlights. She claims I am the only love of her life, yet her treatment of me says nothing of the sort! I want to run away but can't, she has me, I want to help her, I keep thinking I have got things wrong, but the evidence is there. No one would believe me, she is seen as such a inspirational person, she has such a loving side, my children adore her, she is like their best friend, always treating them ( with my money it now appears!) and she loves having the family life, as long as she gets her time with me and I give 100% of my attention to her.
I want to disappear.
I don't even know who I am anymore, I don't recognise myself, I am trying so hard to be and do what she wants, but she keeps wanting more, I don't know how I let this happen, how did this happen.
Please help xx