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Going No Contact with a PD Parent / Day 1 - No Contact
« Last post by mimzy on Yesterday at 10:09:28 PM »

After about four months of low contact, I felt led to go no contact.

Itís something Iíve been wanting to do for a long, long time. Iíve talked about it with my T, shared about it in my 12 step group and now .... itís done.

I wrote a polite email to my UBPD N. Mom and enabling father explaining I needed space to heal from childhood traumas.

My father wrote back - CCíing all three of my siblings - that he has never understood what I mean by childhood traumas, Iíve never been ďspecificĒ ď. (BS - Iíve given him plenty of specifics in several conversations. Funny how bad their memory is when they donít really care, isnít it?)

Anyhoo.... then came the whining, ďHow are we going to see our granddaughter?Ē

Followed by:

ďTake as much time as you need but I really donít want to hear from you until you are ready to make a proper, more heartfelt apology for your bad behavior.Ē

(Long story short..l made a mistake, admitted my part in an email to my parents and my father said the apology wasnít heartfelt enough!)

Iím actually a little grateful for his email. It really affirms why I needed to do this.

I recognize I have a long road ahead of me... Iíll just take it 1 day at a time, just like I did with booze when I first got sober.

I know Iím doing the right thing. My body feels so much lighter and less stressed.

ďBring the body and the mind will follow.Ē

Truth be told, I didnít have a real relationship with any of them. Just the *idea* of what I wanted them to be.

I do feel sad when I think about the good memories. And when I think about how slim to none the chances are that my parents will come around and see my POV and change their behavior - ha!! Pigs will fly first.

Thank goodness Iíve cultivated a relationship with a Higher Power. I know that He wants me to be with people who care about me, respect me and hear me.

I do feel guilty about what he mentioned in his email about my daughter - his granddaughter- and asking how will he get to see her.

I havenít quite figured that one out yet...

Anyways, thatís day 1.

4 months! It seems so short and also like a lifetime. The eviction, while not ideal, is in many ways a good thing as it is forcing him to untangle himself from you.  Iím not that familiar with the laws where you are but it seems like you have a strong case for being released from the obligations he tried to saddle you with in terms of the lease.

Your updates are great and Iím sure an inspiration to many who are currently where you once were.

When I left even the things that were so hard were easier on my own without all the drama my BPDXH brought  with him. For ages I thought it was easier with him, that I couldnít do it on my own. Turns out the opposite is true.
Separating & Divorcing / Re: Alone...
« Last post by GettingOOTF on Yesterday at 09:48:19 PM »
Being in a relationship with a PD is hard. Leaving a relationship with a PD is hard. For me it got better though and I know it never would have had I stayed.

You are not alone, as much as it may feel like you are you arenít. Iím glad you updated. I have wondered how things are going for you. Stay strong.
Friends, Neighbors, Acquaintances and Coworkers / Re: Our new neighbour
« Last post by GettingOOTF on Yesterday at 09:44:56 PM »
Iím so happy to read this update. Sounds like a great change for you and your family. I hope you are able to make a wonderful home in your new place.
We are here for you. Just know that. Vent it here. Youíre in a safe space.

I donít have the energy to detail this out, so Iíll be brief...

1.) You CAN believe sheís takin advantage of him in his vulnerabilities. This is PD. Keep telling yourself that. There are no surprises to you, because you expect it all. That helps me stay centered so nothing ďthrowsĒ me.

2.) If I am understanding you correctly. Your husband is critically ill (stable) but prognosis not clear. Im also hearing that he is seeking out MIL for support. Iím guessing heís terrified and as dysfunctional/false as it may understandable in his situation.

3.) I FEEL for you. Both my parents have terminal cancer and one of my closest friends is in a similar situation as you with her H. I just FEEL for you. Your feelings aside, I also have PROFOUND respect for you that you to be so unconditional for your husband during this time. It sounds like (although your screaming inside and it causes you immense pain) you are respecting his wishes to see his mom so frequently and elicit her support. Right, wrong or otherwise on his part, sounds like thatís one of the supports he feels he needs. I think youíre spot on. I also encourage you to keep venting here AND seek therapy/other support for yourself.

Iím so sorry to hear you and youíre family are in this position. Wishing you the best and hoping for a positive prognosis. ❤️

Separating & Divorcing / Re: Alone...
« Last post by winter storm on Yesterday at 09:11:37 PM »
Things will get better. You did the best you could, in terrible circumstances. I wish that grief will open up to healing and strength. And joy.
I remember having a lot of dogs when we lived on the farm.  We had quite a few, some died of old age, some were given away (puppies that our dog had), some were in farm accidents, some were "taken care of" because they got into the chickens.  For the most part I remember them being well taken care of.

This changed after I left home and my parents moved to town.  It was almost like they couldnt transition from taking care of a farm dog to taking care of a dog in town where you had to walk them, and train them better, keep them inside, etc.  Quite a few dogs were given away or put down due to them being neglected.  A few of them were put down because they were penned up too much and were not socialized properly.  I would get so frustrated about it and dreaded the next time mom thought it was a good idea to get a dog.  Since leaving the farm dogs havent lasted all that long.  They get a dog, the dog isnt cared for properly and becomes a problem then its "oh no!  what do we do?" and the solution is giving the dog away or putting it down.  Its aweful.  Its almost like a problem has to be created, if there isnt a problem then something is wrong.  I dont know.  I feel sad and frustrated just thinking about it. 

The NPD family is a special kind of animal. Thank you for sharing that. I can absolutely relate to the psycho-dramas spun from normal life experiences.
Every detail of ones life is mined for their duplicitous motives. The excruciating hurtful thing is the length of time it takes allow oneself to accept that these people never gave a bloody damn about you. And that includes parents, siblings, aunts..... Your experiences about having a nervous breakdown is something I can relate to. Same response from my family, same sick way they twisted a personal, private experience ( any loving emphatic family would help you) into a mad house of sick narratives. Same pattern. Same family. NC for me has been a lifesaver. Literally.
Dealing with PD Parents / Does your unNDP mom do this?
« Last post by Sojourner17 on Yesterday at 06:25:18 PM »
So, I am back in LC with my mom as of this past January.  Im not 100% happy with the level or content of the contact but, it is what it is.  I might get into it a bit more in another post but I have something more specific that im wondering about and if its something that others have experienced.

Pretty much since becoming an adult and moving from home my mom has asked the same question on a sometimes monthly or even more frequent basis.  She will ask if I have made any friends yet or if I have met anyone at work/school/kids group/insert social activity here, that i think could be a potential friend.  For some reason this question has always really bothered me.  Since moving to our new community a month and a half ago she has asked it three times.  I usually just kind of slough it off and say something along the lines of "mom, we've only been here a month" and kind of laugh.  Honestly...when she asks such a thing all i want to do is say "mom, i gotta go, talk to you later" and end the call.

Has anyone else experienced this?
Friends, Neighbors, Acquaintances and Coworkers / Re: Our new neighbour
« Last post by Sojourner17 on Yesterday at 06:16:49 PM »
Since posting this we have had a big change.  My husband got a permanent position in another city so we did actually move in February.  The behavior from the neighbour got worse close to the end of December, even to the point of making a malicious call to the police about our youngest crying for hours and hours (which wasnt true...he had been napping for most of the afternoon).  it was aweful but it is, thankfully, over!  Yes, the building was super faulty in design which was a huge problem but the neighbors behavior was unacceptable.  We now live in a townhouse with no one below us (only on either side).  The children are happy and relaxed, my husband and I are happy and relaxed.  its SOOOOOOOO much better!
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