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Dealing with PD Parents / GAD / Panic / OCD caused by mother with PD
« Last post by cap413 on Today at 03:21:58 PM »
Hi everyone

I'm new here and not sure of the etiquette so please bear with me :) 

I'll just give a little info about my background, and try not to go into too much detail.  I'm 29, female and have a mother with a PD.  My mother exhibits a number of traits across the Class B disorder group, so I believe that PD is more of a spectrum, but she is probably closest to the NPD.  We have always had a turbulent relationship as far back as I could remember, she used to tell me things like she never really wanted a girl etc and give special attention to my brothers and ignore me.  I think I changed my behaviour because of this and now act like I don't care in relationships etc which has severely affected this part of my life.  She threw me out at 18, and I came to Uni and during that time hardly go back to visit.  5 years ago, she attempted suicide.  It was all for attention, she left doors unlocked etc, didn't take what could actually have killed her, and then an hour later at the hospital when everyone was around her she was up and joking and acting normal.  Because of that I've not spoken to her since the incident as when I tried to tell her how it had affected me she screamed and threw her phone at the wall, cutting the line, and I was distraught as I thought she'd been attacked. 

Anyway, at the time and whilst I was growing up, I thought that I was the problem.  There were always lots of comments of 'whats wrong with you' etc.  I've been in and out of counselling my entire life, and it was recently that my counsellor suggested that it sounds like my mother had a PD and I then found this forum and I'm slowly coming to the realisation (with some effort) that I am not the problem, I'm not a horrible daughter and that my mother has mental problems. 

It's also made me view my issues in a completely different way.  I have GAD, some panic disorder and some OCD and it has never once crossed my mind that these issues may have been caused by the stress of growing up in that toxic environment.  My very long winded question is, can anyone else relate to this or perhaps have some comment? 

I know that there are a number of other threads related to no contact with a PD family member, so I'm reluctant to mention this here in case it goes against etiquette, but these last 5 years have been the most stress free of my life.  My mother recently got back in contact again and she has again caused nothing but anxiety for me.  I don't think things will ever change with her.  Can it?  Has anyone experienced a positive change in someone with PD?

Thanks :)
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Separating & Divorcing / Re: :stars: Anxious and Scared
« Last post by hhaw on Today at 03:17:27 PM »
Donewalkingoneggshells:

It's not supposed to be legal to threaten to kill someone with a weapon in the back of your car, or buried in a park.

I'd report the threats, esp if you have them recorded, or in writing.

If you don't maybe you can document any threats from here on out?

Report report report.

Don't let the pd get away with one more threat, or any harm he does to you.

Get out.... maybe get out of the State.  Go.  Learn how to protect yourself.  Ask the police to help tyou figure it out, and ask for any assistance they can offer.

If your pd is in jail, or a psych ward, you have time to get clear, IME.

Don't sit and wait for him to come and get you.  I had to do that, bc my divorce attorneys told me I had to do it.

Why would you do it if you didn't have to?

hhaw
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Hi neversure.  I am sorry your good intentions blew up on you.  I second what bonnieG said.  You are trying to fix what you cannot fix.

She knows it is important to you that she gets treatment and she pushed that button.  Like the kids that ring the doorbell then run away.

Please don't let yourself get sucked in again.
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Common Behaviors / Re: What to do?
« Last post by hhaw on Today at 03:12:05 PM »
James Barton Horn didn't kill himself.  He raised his gun to the police, and the police did what they had to do to protect themselves. 

Mr. Horn had been incarcerated for violent offenses prior, and was out under supervision when he kidnapped Ms. Sutton.  After she escaped, Mr. Horn found her and her teenaged son, and murdered them.  Why was he allowed to remain free after she escaped?   I don't know, but I'm afraid to find out.

hhaw

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Separating & Divorcing / Re: Questions about custody battles
« Last post by iamfree on Today at 03:03:57 PM »
I was also a SAHM by agreement. However, that agreement was forgotten when it came to court and his lies. I did get "unallocated alimony" for 8 years, which was a combination of child support and alimony - and it means I pay ALL taxes on it, which amounts to about 27%. Be wary!

And don't be surprised if all of a sudden he becomes "dad of the year", involved in things which he never had the time for before. Your full time devotion to your children can not compare to his superior parenting, even if it is part-time. When my uNPDex realized his behavior would be looked at, he started waiting to go to work and putting them on the bus, showed up at all their sporting events, etc. Stuff that I had done all by myself for many years. My L said very common behavior! When questioned the ex said, "I have adjust to being a,single parent" . Yeah, like I did when we were married! We ended up with 50/50 physical and legal custody

It has been 3+ years and it is not getting any better. Try to avoid parental coordinator, GALs, and the like unless you are certain that they "get it".Otherwise it's just another layer of crazy- making junk as they are very often fooled by BPDs and NPDs.

Read "Splitting..."by Bill Eddy. It will prepare you for all of their tricks. Find a lawyer who recognises NPD behavior. Mine did and she wasn't the least bit afraid of him. She scared him! It was great!

Sorry to sound so pessimistic, but been there - done that.

Be careful, and good luck!
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Neversure,
If nothing else you just proved a huge point to yourself. Never take their word for what's going on.

Look at the actions. That's Reality. They can and DO say anything. To literally anyone. Anywhere, at anytime. Their reality is a constantly shifting mirage.

So pay attention to what they DO. Actions speak louder than any words.

Good luck to you, stay strong.
bonnieG
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cwc & mf2

Most likely there'll be no end to the madness, huh?! Thank you both for the heads up.  I'm taking the warning very seriously.  I've got to roll with those who have experience in this area.

For the love of somebody! WTH?!  :wacko:

I'm sorry bunnie, for I know accepting you have no control over saving your nieces and nephews is devastating at first. But, acceptance is a step in the right direction toward reclaiming your life.

I find reframing things helps tremendously. Don't look at it in terms of having lost your nieces and nephews, but saving your own lil ones from the generational fate (if or when you choose to have them). And, will do what it takes to prevent the dysfunction from invading your FOC.

It's tough when we grow up in multi generational dysfunctional families. We have some fleas and of course placater and rescuer tendencies which can FOG perceptions at times (leading us back toward the FOG and into the mind field of toxicty and dysfunction). But, with the right support network and working on yourself you'll be well equipped to be a good mom /if when the time arises. Have you considered seeking out a good T for yourself; one that specializes in dysfunctional family dynamics or Pds? I highly recommend it. A good T can really keep you grounded and focused, plus help you develop some great coping mechanisms.

Go on this upcoming vaca to FL and give your DH a big hug. Reaffirm your  love and commitment to each other and live in the present. Relish and enjoy the company of people that love you unconditionally and have no hidden agendas. Sometimes we have to let go of what we don't have and fully embrace what we do have. As bad as it can get sometimes dealing/coping w/ our dysfunctional family legacy. It is sooooooo important to stay focused on the beautiful non-toxic blessings we have been given. And, build ourselves up from there!!



18
My pd ex said that to me whenever I did what I was told to do.  So when we were engaged in active listening, for example, and she was pleased w my performance, that's what she would say.  Ugh!

We're supposed to be equals, not someone who's better and someone's who's not.
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Common Behaviors / Re: What to do?
« Last post by CathyMathy on Today at 02:56:01 PM »
I've often believed that a person who wants to go on a murder-suicide rampage ought to shoot themselves first, and then, if they are able, then go kill whomever pissed them off.

I hear your frustration, hhaw.  If mental illness were a disease like TB or measles we would research, fund, and prevent.  These physical diseases have discreet effects and consequences, and it's easy to go from cause, effect, cure, prevention.

IMHO, there are too many variables for people to wrap their heads around the causes of murder-suicide, and it's prevention.  It's more like the complex issue of HIV/AIDS.  If memory serves, lots of groups of people were in denial about causes, cures, and prevention, and lots of stumbling blocks to convincing people to take it seriously.

DV, like child abuse, shares the same issue with society not wanting to trample on the rights of citizens, minimizing the effects on the victim, not wanting to ruin someone's future, or even believing that "nice" person can't capable of such vicious behavior.

For those of us on OOTS/OOTF, we lived the connection between behavior and outcome, so for us it is easy to believe that an angry word will eventually escalate into physical violence.

I agree with most of your points and I don't have an answer.  I know from professional experience that DV education does not make a link between mental illness/pd and DV.  They make a link between anger and DV, but not one between narcissism and DV, for example.  So people who have a DV  incident may be ordered to anger management class, but not a psych.

I think our violent culture adds a lot to this problem.


20
I don't know what type of PD my mom has either. She has some N traits but not enough to be full-blown N, some OCPD traits but not enough to be full-blown OCPD, and then she's just her own special kind of crazy  :stars:  on top of that.

And yes, she keeps track of my free time, too, especially if she senses that I might be wanting to hang out with someone at a time when I COULD be hanging out with her. "But you can see them some other time...." etc.
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