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Yes, I feel like this too... I am so sick and tired of all of this. It's like a battle.

Why can't my uNPDm leave me alone and let me live in peace...  :stars:


My BPD mother used shame a lot as a coercive tool. "What will people say"

Worrying what others think of you is a narcissistic defense, along with its more extreme cousin, paranoia .

Narcs and BPDs have rock bottom self esteem, no matter how well some disguise it, as shame is at the core of narcissism.

I heard this literally the other day and it shocked me as its true. "Its none of your damned business what others think of you"

Now that you mentioned it, yes i truly remember my uNPDm always being worried and concerned about "what people think/say". Thanks for the reminder! I definitely don't want to be like her...  :sadno:

You guys are right, the people that matter to me and understand/support me are the ones that I should care about anyway. The other people that don't see me as I am, don't deserve my time or thoughts. It's really freeing to think this way.
This is an important point, and I want to underscore it. We may have been taught by FOO to value the opinions of the people who DON'T believe in us. I know that was true for me with my FOO. They taught me to always seek the approval of those who don't approve; after all, if someone doesn't approve of me, that's a big problem, according to my FOO.

With the help of this message board, I've now taken a reversal. My new belief is something I work at every day until it becomes more natural. And here is the new belief: I need only value the opinions of those who are already on my side and believe in me.

It's really that simple. And it's sooooo much easier to live this way!

I am so glad I found this community too. Specially now that I'm in the first attempt on NC and it's been hard.  I have been coming  here a lot, looking for support, advice and understanding. I have been learning a lot and I'm also finding the strength in me that I didn't know I had. 

Going No Contact with a PD Parent / Re: Hope for the Holidays
« Last post by LittleStar on Today at 03:27:53 AM »
As I drove home, I thought about who I wanted to share this with and I realized that it was all of you! To those of you who are just getting started, don't get discouraged. Keep working on yourself and facing those hard truths. It is possible to have a holiday without tantrums, screaming and drama. It is possible to have the holiday season you have deserved for your entire life. And when you get there, it will be worth it. When you get down and need help, reach out to the people who are healthy for your emotional state, be it your T, your spouse, your friends, your pets, doesn't matter. When you get lost, practice self-care- meditate, go for a walk, get a pedicure, have a bubble bath or cup of tea- whatever floats your boat. Sometimes, NC requires that you just keep on keeping on until you have another breakthrough.

I wish all of you peace and joy for the rest of this year and beyond. Remember, you deserve it!



Thank you for this  :bighug:

I went NC recently had it's been hard and painful but I want to believe that is better for the long term. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, it really touched my heart.

I wish you peace and joy too !  :worship:
I really don't have much to add here... but wanted to share my sympathy. I also went NC recently and after I blocked her phone number, I got some random phone calls which I also blocked. She came to my workplace looking for me, I didn't go talk to her and asked my colleague to ask her to leave. Yesterday I got two phone calls from one of my uncles...  :doh:
I'm sick and tired of all this and it's painful for sure.  :sad2:
After reading all this comments in this thread, made me feel a bit better and reassured me that I'm doing the right thing, For my sanity and emotional health.

Hugs  :bighug:
Chosen Relationships / Re: Pd and finances... a new thing for me.
« Last post by blahblah on Today at 02:37:06 AM »
Thanks a lot! All this support means so much to me.
I think I have forgotten what a normal relationship is.
Sometimes I imagine being with someone else who can temper their anger. Who can show genuine empathy etc and I become so calm inside. And I really want that in my life. Easy living.
But then on the other hand I know that every marriage has problems and trouble.
The problem is I think people like us are forgetting what normal marriage trouble is. Because I think what we are going through is extreme but we just can't see it.

Thanks again:)
My PD parent is not a mental health professional, but I do believe she studied psychology at university before dropping out.

I get the feeling from reading forums like this that a scientifically valid study would find that the incidence of personality disorders among mental health professionals (and other medical professionals, for that matter) is higher than in the general population.
Yep restraining order on him. For me to muck around the roster at moment would bring more hell than it's worth
I think I must be a terrible person because Terichan's remark about you leaving her dead in a ditch on her birthday had me cracking up!   :rofl:

"Deadly" voicemails (You.  NEED.  To.  CALL.  ME.) are to be *ignored and erased* - and you can pat yourself on the back for knowing you didn't leave her dead in a ditch on her birthday.   :bigwink:

Medical hoover - she's fallen, can't get up and you need to take care of the cats.

HELLS to the NO - regardless of what she says or wants, CALL AN AMBULANCE.  *She* can deal with them and try to convince them she doesn't need help. 

If she really DOES need help, they might wind up calling APS - which may result in a brief call to you, asking you to come over - tell them NO.  You are BUSY but if she needs to go to the hospital, you give them permission to do whatever they need to do to get her there, including having the cops break in.

That's what happened with Ray.  I never set foot in that house - it was all handled over the phone.  8-)

He *clearly* needed medical help but kept telling them to leave, he was fine, go away, he's an old man and just wants to be left alone - but APS wasn't having it for a second.

They *can* override your mom, especially if you give them permission to, while staying FAR AWAY from the scene.   

Any further calls from APS regarding the house or the cats?  Tell them to do what they have to do, but *it does not involve you and do NOT call you again.  You are NOT her responsible party, nor will you be.*

If you don't think you can do that, hand the phone to your BF.

I don't think he'll have any problem telling them where to step off.

If she changes her number, just block that one, too.

You wrote:

"I'm sorry, I cannot take care of her, she hoards cats and won't stop and I cannot be around that, and BTW if you haven't already I think she is in desperate need of a mental health evaluation" is a phrase I am practicing.

That's an EXCELLENT phrase to practice!  It helps if you look at yourself in a mirror as you do it - look yourself *in the eyes.*  Say it a few times, then smile, nod and tell your reflection, "You've GOT this."   8-)

Well, it worked for me.   :)

You wrote:

I'm terrified of a package arriving in the mail - how in hell do I just ignore that without being rude? I'm terrified of a sobbing letter begging for my help - because again, what sort of monster ignores an elderly poor person's pleas for help? But I just cannot open that door again.

Let's rework that:

How do I ignore a package from somebody who doesn't respect me, shouts at me, expects me to give up my life to take care of her and her cats, invalidates me, shames me, treats me like a child, causes me to have panic attacks through her non-stop emotional torture, talks AT me and is, in general, just a RUDE person, who thinks a few dollars' worth of tatty crap will make me come crawling back or send a "Thank You" card, which would give her hope and possibly make her INCREASE her attempts at contacting me?

Question answered yet?

You have EVERY RIGHT to ignore a package from somebody who is using a gift as a WEAPON.

Personally, if a package comes, it would go right out to the trash, without another thought.

Let's also rework this: 

What kind of PERSON ignores a person who REFUSES to take care of herself, seek medical attention, be medically compliant or keep her home and living conditions within parameters most of us would consider suitable?  What kind of person goes No Contact with a person who prefers to live in squalor, with a number of cats she can't afford to take care of, yet insists she's doing "God's work" and thinks her adult daughter should drop her life to *enable* her bad decisions?

A SANE ONE, that's who!   :yes:

If a letter comes, you could block out your name and any identifying information with a black marker ala the FBI and redacted files, scan it into your computer and add her name and addy, print it, and send that copy to APS.   :ninja:

DON'T include her phone number.  With luck, they'll just pay her a visit and that, as they say, will be that - which is why I think you haven't gotten one of those letters yet.  She KNOWS there is Nuclear Option and I think it might be ever-present in the back of what passes as her mind.  I think that letter will come *only* if she's "at the end of her rope" - aka out of enablers.   :roll:

You wrote:

One thing she might do is something she did before - find a way to contact me, simply leave the message "You have to call me right now, there's been a terrible accident"

In the legendary words of Dubbya, the gaffe-friendly former-President, "Fool me once, shame on you... ... ... ...can't get fooled again."


You wrote:

This is absolutely spot on. I got told all the time how important it was for me to be checking on her, because she has no one else, she lives alone, no one cares, she could collapse on the front lawn and all the neighbors would just stand there and point and laugh because they all wish her dead, etc.

She can get Life Alert.  She does NOT live in a vacuum and doesn't NEED to be dependent on you!

She could also try, oh, I dunno...being NICE to her neighbors - or even cordial.   :roll:

Yeah, I know...   :rofl:

That dream was VERY telling - and your subconscious is trying to not only protect you, but do a little housekeeping in putting order to chaos, while reinforcing *your mother is not a safe person to be around.*

Yes,  your mother will destroy not only you, but everything you hold dear.

Take the message from your subconscious to heart and any time you have a fear of what she COULD do - realize there is actually *very little* she CAN do that *won't have a direct blowback onto her and her living situation.*

THIS is why it's so important for them to keep us reeling, off-balance and wondering WTF is going to happen next - they don't want to give us a minute to breathe, regroup and think, "Hey...wait a minute.  Who REALLY has all the power here?  I DO.  She's got NONE.  She has nothing except empty, angry, hostile WORDS to keep me *enslaved* to her.  I  do NOT have to accept that dynamic.  I am NOT a child, dependent on her - she has CHOSEN to become the child and try to derail my entire life and IMPRISON me with her, in her delusions!  SCREW THAT!"   >:(

If you haven't said a few things like that to your reflection in the mirror, it might be time to give that a try, because it really can't hurt.  You can *say those words out loud* and nothing bad will happen.

And you may actually feel a little better.   :yes:

Stasia - YOU hold all the cards.  Please don't ever forget that.

You really do.  ALL of them.

Chosen Relationships / Re: Now that my PDw is done with her classes
« Last post by Samuel S. on Today at 12:31:24 AM »
Cascade, you are right. She wants the spotlight and the praise to be on her. She cannot accept someone else for having to be good or a star. Just tonight, my son-in-law works for an environmental firm to battle pollution in the world. He won an award by a science group in New Orleans. There was a photo of him on Facebook by my daughter, and she wrote about his award. I mentioned to my PDw how awesome of an award that is! She countered by saying that there are many important people in the world who don't receive an award, inferring that she doesn't.

She very rarely goes to things when someone else is the star for the moment. When she does, she is hypercritical of everything and everyone.

Indeed, if it isn't about her, then, the negative comments start flowing out of her mouth! She truly is the bah humbug Scrooge!
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