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Thanks for your comments. It's nice to feel understood. :)
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Chosen Relationships / Re: Should I laugh or cry?
« Last post by seekingvision on Today at 03:57:13 PM »
Mine calls me untrusting when I confront him that I know about bad behaviour or things he is hiding.  I lashed back recently.

nontrusting, or unable to trust you.  Not trusting an untrustworthy person does not make me non trusting.  What is worse, anyway non trusting or untrustworthy. 

I so fully expected to get the you think you are better than me sort of garbage next. 

Is there a private kindergarten that taught this stuff.
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Unchosen Relationships / Re: Are Narcissists always intimidating?
« Last post by PrettyPictures on Today at 03:56:26 PM »
My mom isn't the intimidating type which allows her "disorder" to fly under the radar more than a typical narcissist.  I honestly think these are the worst types of narcissists as you never see them coming!

And it's so easy for others to be fooled by them.  I read that often narcissists will give someone a tough time.  And when that someone reacts with frustration, the narcissist sees that as proof the person has emotional issues.  And then tells others about it.
I think that's what happened with me. Whether my mother intended to do it or not, the things that she said to people during my NC has destroyed my reputation with them.
In their minds, nothing I do from today on will ever change the fact that I was a "selfish person" who went NC for 3 years.

 
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Hey :)

I found this site a few weeks ago and I've found it so useful - and they keep saying to reach out to people who know what you're going through... so here goes!

I'm a mid 20s adult living at my family home temporarily but indefinitely. My younger brother has a severe PD and my Mum does too and histories of co-morbid depression/anxiety respectively. My Dad is an emotionally unavailable enabler. He always goes for the path of least resistance and stays out of things.

I'm finding myself constantly gaslit as 'the one with the problem' because I don't fit into maintaining their messed up status quo.

Does any of that sound familiar to anyone? I've been living here about three months and the constant gaslighting and squashing of any positive or joyful or healthy activity or comment or behaviour from me is wearing me down more than I can stand. After reading 'The Road Less Travelled' by M. Scott Peck, (which I cannot recommend enough) and this website, I've had a series of 'lightbulb moments' -the last couple of weeks I've really started to feel like there is light at the end of the tunnel. But also I just need that light to be a bit damn nearer, I'm afraid of the dark!!

I need to leave but its just not possible at the moment - I have no source of income while I finish my Uni dissertation (my key to escape and yet its so hard to focus in this environment - my Mum is constantly having crying fits and panic attacks and lashing out/hoovering me back in/blaming me/guilt tripping me) and they are letting me live here for free and letting me eat their food (although I can never request anything, however cheap or normal or seemingly insignificant, while my layabout brother who has never had a job or finished any studies and refuses therapy or treatment, gets bought all sorts of treats while they enable his alcoholism and gaming addiction, and buy him fancy expensive food) so I feel constantly guilty and like I should be more grateful.

I used to be a fixer and rescuer and was constantly trying to get my family support and help (there isn't any available) and be strong for them, which has nearly cost me my degree and has certainly damaged my future. In the last few weeks I've recognised and challenged this and that's been helping a lot, but there's a certain level of grief realising I've been wasting so much valuable love and time and energy on people that don't want to change or be helped. And also that it was never going to work and wasn't appropriate. It hurts.

*TRIGGER WARNING*
Oh and I have PTSD from sexual abuse when I was a young teenager by an adult, which my Mum was aware of and even encouraged. My Dad was aware but as usual it wasn't his problem. So there's that. I've also experienced low level domestic violence from my alcoholic brother - and although it was a few weeks ago and nothing since, I've read enough on the subject to know that doesn't mean its over. My parents deny that it happened and blame ME for calling the police and for 'provoking' him.

Even as I'm reading this in black and white and trying to tell myself that this is all bad stuff nobody should have to deal with, their gaslighting has got to the point where I'm going internally 'but this is YOUR perspective, you're exaggerating, its not that bad, people go through worse, you're being dramatic'.

I need to find the strength to keep myself together and work hard so I can leave.
The messed up thing is that I still love them and care for them. In some ways thats the hardest bit. I was raised to be very emotionally dependent and brainwashed into thinking that this sort of mess was normal and it was the rest of the world that was messed up! (I know, it sounds so ridiculous...)

I'm so so determined not to let all this beat me down. But its getting really really tough to cope with. I do NOT want to see my strong spirit squashed but I hardly recognise myself any more. I feel like I'm losing 'me'. I have about three months left of Uni work if I can manage to focus enough to get it done - somehow I have to find the strength.

Wheew that got a bit long! If you've read this far thank you for your patience :)
Warm wishes,
Lily x
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Hi,

New to this forum, but really need some advice.

I am not in contact with my abusive BPD father. Because he's a black hole of neediness! My brother, however, is. And without me there to absorb some of the impact of BPD dad's depression, neediness, and mental illness, my brother is getting more depressed, bitter, suicidal, and angry by the day. They're geographically close and my dad is sort of an inescapable, ever-texting presence for him.

I am the oldest and always "managed" my father's illness; my brother is the youngest and didn't have as much exposure, so wasn't really prepared to deal with the FULL BRUNT of his BS. And with the holidays here, everything is triggering. My brother yelled at me last night because he's angry that he "has to" deal with my father during the holidays and I don't. He also expressed--not for the first time--suicidal depression.

We have had many circular conversations about how he is not responsible for taking care of my father, but even though he agrees with me at times, he's just utterly brainwashed and Stockholm Syndrome'd too. My dad's support network is very small at this time--me and my spouse are out, extended family members have backed away, he is twice-divorced and unlikely to get another partner due to self-neglect of his appearance--so my brother is sort of the sole target at this point. And it's destroying him.

I know that my brother is ultimately responsible for himself, but he's been heavily brainwashed since childhood. Whenever I try to talk to him about HIS rights, he tells me the same old myths about how BPD dad just doesn't know any better, and is getting older, and needs his help, and is his dad, and so on.

I get scared at times, because BPD dad's mom, good ole BPD grandma, has used the whole "I'm old and frail and have had a hard life" excuse to manipulate people for like 25 years, and will probably eke out another 5 years of that BS. My brother honestly seems to see suicide as a better alternative to standing up for himself and changing his life so as to make himself happier. And with the holidays here---a time when my dad goes into overdrive and stages many plays about HIS SUFFERING and WHAT OTHERS OWE HIM and LIFE IS PAIN and IF YOU LOVE ME, SUFFER THIS HORRIFYING ORDEAL FOR HOURS--I'm really worried about my brother going over the edge.

What can I do? Do any of you have experience with getting an adult sibling to stop tolerating abuse from a BPD parent? Please advise.

Thank you!
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Know the law in your state.  My mom is executor and her lawyer told her she is under NO obligation to keep anyone "in the loop" about anything.  (Say there were 100 people getting things in the will, do you see how this would be an unnecessary burden on the part of the executor to notify all 100 people about each and every little thing that happens?)  My aunt and uncle spent all kinds of $$$$ trying to protest things and when their lawyer showed up in "court", he admitted to my mom's lawyer that they didn't have a case!  Of course, they lost, my mom won, blah, blah, blah.  Yeah, I bet they were just counting on my mom and her lawyer being a "no show".  So yeah, know the law, and know that you can spend all kinds of money fighting things, but unless the executor is doing something outside of the law, you may very well be wasting your money.  I crack up at my aunt and uncle wasting all that money on a lawyer when they were fighting against the wishes of the deceased, all of which was named in black & white IN THE WILL! 
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Orangesand... that has how it has been all my life.  She has always talked crap about my dad and said I was just like him (from 7 years old and on).  When I look back now, I really think she dislikes me because I am a product of him... and has been so much easier on my brother and sister that she had with my step-dad.  You all are making me feel so much better about NC.  No family drama at Thanksgiving, or Christmas.  It will be nice to just have the people that are in my corner around me.

 I wish everyone well!!!  You are all inspiring and are comforting me that I am not a bad person for choosing to protect my mental health.  I will be educating myself more about this and seeking self-therapy again.
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Unchosen Relationships / Re: Are Narcissists always intimidating?
« Last post by TwilightZoned on Today at 03:33:58 PM »
My mom isn't the intimidating type which allows her "disorder" to fly under the radar more than a typical narcissist.  I honestly think these are the worst types of narcissists as you never see them coming! 
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Unchosen Relationships / Re: Are Narcissists always intimidating?
« Last post by GarbageChild on Today at 03:33:37 PM »
Hard to say sometimes, because what you see is just a shell.

Mine is tough, hard, mean, racist... but it's just a cover up for her vulnerable inner waif which is jealous, scheming, hating, and resentful of life.

She's not intimidating at all, she's completely bonkers and utterly ridiculous.  Plus she lies all the time, so no credibility.
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"I am a wonderful mother.  I am not one of those mothers who say horrible things about your dad.  I don't need to.  Because as you get older, you are going to find out what a bastard he is all on your own." 
this is exactely what i have been listening all my life. as a child it was confusing me so much. she would then tell the same in front of other people and I have to agree.
Sovverit I have been NC since august and at the beginning I felt very guilty, but being out of the drama and that whole circus gave me time and space to finally put things in the right perspective and really see the bigger picture. I now know that my mother is a monster that only did bad things to me. if she sais the opposite it does not make it true. You should make a clear distinction. She is a patological lier, so do not belive what she says about you. she is projecting her self on you. all the bad things she says about you are acually about her. Be aware of that. There is a lot of info available, inform yourself. More you will know, clearer it will be to you that she is toxic and damaging and that you have all the rigtht in the world to protect yourself from that.
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