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Whiteheron omg really? That is really strange, how did you react to that the first time?
Common Behaviors / Re: Am I being sensitive to call it humiliation?
« Last post by DJR on Today at 02:57:01 PM »
An adult would just get the job done discretely and not show any personal inappropriate feelings. I think he is not only being childish by loudly letting you know his disgust, but also aiming to humiliate you by putting on a show in front of someone else. He is sending the message that women's bodies are inherently disgusting and shameful, even when you are following normal cleanliness practices like washing your clothes.

Either ignore it and don't give him a reaction, or call him out on it and say that every one has underwear, its normal to wash them and don't be so childish.  For the benefit of your niece I would call him out, but then don't let yourself get drawn into an arguement. 

Good luck.
Some of them I believe see us as props to help them appear normal to the outside world. Once they have us in place, and we are securely under their thumb, there is no reason to try and connect with us through genuine conversation, asking about our thoughts and feelings, etc. IMO we are like pets to them.

This was exactly the dynamic with my stbx. I made him look great to the outside world. And that was all I was good for. For the last 10 years of our marriage, we could be literally in the middle of a conversation and he would make a phone call to someone -- and start a long chit-chatting conversation with them. Or he'd start doing something on the computer or start crushing videos. It didn't matter how many times I told him this bothered me, he did it anyway. In the car, he'd turn off the radio when I was listening to something I really liked (which he absolutely knew was the case.) He invited people to come for holidays, birthdays, etc and stay for days, expecting me to do all the entertaining. I was expected to drop everything to take his calls, do his errands, and listen to whatever he had to say with rapt attention.

It was very clear that I was little more than a servant to him. My needs were not ever as important as his. Not surprising that when I left, he barely communicated with me. Why would he? I was just another example of the lazy, unappreciative employees he's always had. I'm sure he's got a new me doing his bidding. God help her!

another memory triggered...the phone calls/email/texts. right in the middle of when I would be talking about something. I would ask him what he was doing? he would tell me, so and so is trying to get ahold of me, I need to respond. I'd say something along the lines of, "I was talking, you shouldn't have been checking your phone for texts or email while we were having a conversation." His response: "this is more important"  >:( then he wonders why I won't have a conversation with him  :roll:

If I was in the car listening to a song I liked, he wouldn't change the station or turn it off, he's start singing one of his favorite songs at a volume just above the radio. Who does that?
I found this article online today. The author, Kerry Skinner, is a "Biblical Counselor" and says that pouting (which my uNPD/BPDh engages in almost daily) is a spiritual issue.

Be interested in what others here think about it.
Hello Mr Spring Butterfly,

So your brother sent a horrible email, didn't get the response he wanted, so tried again saying it was a "mistake" email?!  I think the best response is to ignore both. If that's his way of trying to reconcile and regain contact with you then its not worth it. Focus on the people you enjoy in your life and look forward to holiday season and the new year.

I agree with Bloomie's astute observation that you have time to mull over what you want to do, there is no urgency. Especially necause it is email, you do have time to think!

Good luck.
Separating & Divorcing / Re: Shame and Regret
« Last post by Librarygirl on Today at 02:32:06 PM »
farwest, your post really touched me. :'(  I'm having a very difficult time with the shame and regret now that the end is in sight.  Tuesday at 2:00 pm is when they're coming to assist me in getting him out of my home.  Today he is being really sweet and kind and it's breaking my heart.  I think he thinks I will change my mind.  I don't know how I'm going to get through this but it's taken all of my strength to get this far and if I back out, I'll never forgive myself.
Staycalm: first off i have to say it, you shouldnt be forcing yourself to have sex, sex isnt his right, that went out the window decades ago.

I somehow need to acknowledge his feelings more, stop blaming him, stop letting his extreme statements and criticism bother me and let go of all my resentment.
This ^^^^^ is an impossible thing for him to ask of you without a lot of effort on his part to correct his behaviour.
Can i ask why you want to keep trying? Obviously he wants to because getting a new source will require effort keeping the one he has is easier.
You say you dont know if you still love him, that makes me think you dont, if you did youd know it right? I think you need to have a big think about that. Never mind being able to afford a divorce, that can wait, can you afford to move out? If not can you save?
Is fear of change the only thing stopping you leaving?

Hugs and warm thoughts
Committed to Working On It / Re: Trust Issue?
« Last post by StayCalm on Today at 02:18:37 PM »
Thanks for the reminder.  I can't change it, I didn't cause it but how do I live with it?  I've disengaged when he starts in and while we may fight less about it, it still happens occasionally and the resentment is killing me.  My thing to work on, I know.  I'm not in a good place right now and sympathy or forgiveness seems about as possible as life on Pluto.
Committed to Working On It / My BPD husband is a master at his craft
« Last post by StayCalm on Today at 02:10:31 PM »
My husband and I have had years of therapy, together and apart.  He has read extensively about behavioral therapy, Jungian psychology, many credible self help books, adult children of alcoholics, you name it.  He knows all the right words, theories, etc.  A circular conversation is like descending into hell.  I'm often left speechless and without any clue what to say or how to resolve this.  He actually accused me of gas lighting him once.  Our fights usually end up with him criticizing me relentlessly until I'm a sobbing, apologizing mess.  But he still manages to tell me that I don't care about him or acknowledge his feelings; that he is "invisible" in our relationship; that I always claim to be the victim but he is the real victim.  He doesn't understand why I have resentment and claims that this is what is ruining my relationship and I need to learn forgiveness for when he says things too harshly that he doesn't really mean.  He doesn't understand why I think he doesn't care about me and believes it may be hopeless/useless to convince or show me otherwise.

All this being said, we're still working on it. (???!!)  It's been 20 years of a slow build up to this point.  We both acknowledge that divorce may be the best answer.  But, we both want to keep trying.  But I'm at a total loss of how.  I somehow need to acknowledge his feelings more, stop blaming him, stop letting his extreme statements and criticism bother me and let go of all my resentment.

I don't know how to set boundaries in this situation.  He sees through medium chill and calls me cold, unresponsive, uncaring, etc.  I'm worn out, I have to force myself to have sex, and I'm unsure if I still love him.  How do I work on this relationship?  I'm afraid to give up.  I can't afford a divorce.  When we are not fighting it's pretty good but it can change on a dime. 

I don't even know what I'm asking.  I guess I'm just venting.  How do you know if it's all worth it?
Separating & Divorcing / Legal Proceedings
« Last post by user28167 on Today at 02:08:55 PM »
I have a friend who escaped her husband 2 years ago. She is legally separated but not yet divorced as he is not signinng paperwork.

She fled with the help of the authorities to a shelter, taking her 3 little kids. Her husband is a total narcissist, one of the worst kind. He literally took her at a young age (18), abused her for years and not until she was seeking help from a therapist to "find ways to be a better wife" did she learn the truth about him and her.

Dial forward 2 years now. She originally had to represent herself in court due to lack of funds and is now faced with a man who continuously attempts to get the kids, cut financial support and on a daily basis continues to try and make her look bad. He now is allowed to see the kids every 2 weeks for 3.5 days and is brainwashing the oldest (8 years).

She, in the meanwhile, established credit, finally was able to rent a little house, has her 3 kids in schools, therapists working with them from speech to other psychological issues, got enrolled in college to get a degree in health administration (she got a full grant; the program allows her to get the benefits she needs to raise her children), and has the kids enrolled in daily activities ... all on her own, without any support other than the monthly spousal and child support payments whic force her to the goodwill for clothes and things she needs.

We have pulled a small group of friends together and assisted her in hiring an experienced law firm to counter his use of excellent legal support (he has the money to do that). The goal is to get her divorce settled and for her to get enough assets to be at least safe. He again has taken her to court. The result was a settlement offer from him which was not even a settlement (i.e. cut all of financial support by 80%, I can see the kids whenever, I need to call them every day for one hour at night, .... and a few accusations, all non merited). He is using excellent attorneys.

1. How do you engage with a man that even in the face of facts simply refuses to recognize anything and turns literally everything around to make her look bad.
2. When going into mediation (2 weeks from now), her fear is that he simply refuses any reasonable offers and she will get the short end of the stick ... again.
3. But in court, much of what is talked about in regards to abuse or childcare is hard to prove. As a matter of fact, in the original court case it was her on the stand for 10 hours (zero minutes for him) and his attorney accusing her of "liking" everything that happened to her and being the person that "wants" it.

Are there any key best practices that one can use in dealing with this? A particular approach? Should we find a way to "help" his attorneys understand what type of guy he is and maybe they change their approach a little?

My apologies for this very long note.
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