Low Self-Esteem - A common term used to describe a group of negatively-distorted self-views which are inconsistent with reality.
Description:
Low self-esteem affects all kinds of people - not just those who suffer from personality disorders. However, people who suffer from personality disorders are often prone to an acute, consistent or pervasive form of low self-esteem that makes them behave in ways that are self-destructive or destructive to those around them.
People who have low self-esteem often see themselves as unworthy of being successful in personal and professional settings and in social relationships. They may view their successes and their strengths in a negative light and believe that others see them in the same way. As a result, they may develop an avoidance strategy to protect themselves from criticism.
People who suffer from low self-esteem, may entertain a belief that they are unworthy of normal pleasures, such as successful problem solving, achieving career goals, financial security, being liked by peers and family members, being attractive to potential romantic partners, being respected by co-workers and acquaintances. These feelings often make them behave in self-destructive, defensive or aggressive ways that can cause their fears to become self-fulfilling prophecies. For those who have personality disorders, these feelings can be accepted as facts and all potential competing positive thoughts be disregarded or suppressed. This can lead to erratic emotional mood swings from high to low.
Downward spirals of negative self-thought can be self-perpetuating. The emotional human mind often uses a form of shorthand which helps us to sort through the overwhelming clutter of data and competing thoughts which compete for our attention at any given time. Hence, we have the ability to broadly judge people and circumstances, political positions and religious views as "right" or "wrong" "good" or "bad", "positive or "negative", "safe" or "dangerous", etc. even when there is only partial data or when the data we have is conflicted or compromised. Taken to extremes, this type of judging can lead to Splitting, where a person views other people or circumstances as "all good" or "all bad". Splitting is particularly common among people who suffer from personality disorders, but can also affect those of us who have relationships with people with personality disorders. Beaten down by a history of negative experiences and failures to bring about change in our loved-ones, we may begin to see our situation as hopeless and see ourselves as helpless and powerless. This is often not an accurate self-view, but an emotional exaggeration of our circumstances.
When you are living with a person with a personality disorder who has an unhealthy low self-esteem:
Don't put yourself in the role of the "fixer" of a loved one's mood or feelings. You will most likely just frustrate yourself and annoy the other person. You weren't responsible for getting them into a negative thought pattern and it's not your job to get them out of it.
Don't feel obliged out of "love" or "commitment" to join in with a downward spiral of negative thought. They are free to have negative thoughts and you are free to have positive ones.
Don't thought-police or unleash a barrage of criticisms about their attitude or their mood. Allow a person with a personality disorder to own their own thoughts and feelings. That's their stuff. You will only contribute to their sense of anxiety and low self-esteem.
Don't try to manipulate them "out of it" by trying to change the mood or the environment. Their sudden mood change was probably not caused by an external event and probably won't be fixed by it.
Don't blame yourself for what the other person is feeling or how they are behaving. Don't look for ways to change yourself to try to fix another person. As the old mantra says: "You didn't cause it, you can't cure it and you can't control it". You are only responsible for your own words and actions.
Don't stay in the room if the situation becomes physically, verbally or emotionally unhealthy.
Don't go it alone or keep what you are experiencing a secret.
When you area Non-PD person who has an unhealthy low self-esteem:
Don't immediately deny what you are feeling or ignore it. Some negative thought cycles are the result of "Depressive Realism" - a sober self-evaluation that things are really not that great.
Don't fall into the trap of Splitting. If your thoughts are "purely" negative then they are probably not very accurate.
Don't go it alone or keep what you are experiencing a secret. Try to avoid becoming isolated when you are facing negative self-thoughts.
What TO Do:
When you are living with a person with a personality disorder who has an unhealthy low self-esteem:
Remind yourself that this may be related to a mental illness and that you are not to blame.
Detach yourself from being responsible for how another person is feeling, behaving or thinking.
Turn your attention on your own behavior and your own thought patterns. Discard the unhealthy and learn what is healthy for yourself and pursue it - regardless of what reaction you get from the person with the personality disorder.
Talk about it! Talk to trusted friends and family about what you are dealing with.
If you are ever confronted with violence or abuse, get yourself and any children immediately out of the room and call for help. Report all acts of violence, threats of violence or self-harm to the police immediately every time.
Maintain your healthy lifestyle and thought life. You will need them. If necessary, explain to your loved-one gently, but firmly that you are doing what you need to do for yourself and then close the conversation.
When you area Non-PD person who has a low self-esteem:
Try to embrace the gray. In every circumstance, try to see both sides of your situation, the positive AND the negative.
Write down your fears and evaluate them with honesty and candor.
Share your concerns with wise, caring friends who can see what you are dealing with and will give thoughtful encouragement. Work hard to be around people who will encourage you to be healthy and help you to feel better about yourself. This can be a therapist, a teacher, a family member, a friend.
If you suspect you may have a family member or loved-one who suffers from a personality disorder, we encourage you to learn all you can and surround yourself with support as you learn how to cope.
Five years ago, a photographer, an engineer, a writer, an office manager, a grandmother, a graphic artist, a law student, a husband, a librarian, and a stained-glass artisan came together to connect a diverse, isolated population in search of information, support, and growth as they strive to cope with a family members, spouses or partners who suffer from a personality disorder. Since its launch on November 1, 2007, Out Of The FOG has grown from a fledgling discussion group with 10 participants, to a vibrant community of over 4000 registered members world-wide, with new members joining every day.
On August 31 2012, the Out of the FOG Support Forum crossed two significant milestones - 100,000 member posts and 10,000 topics. Thanks to all who participate and contribute to the OOTF support board, which is a unique source of support to non-personality-disordered individuals all over the world.
