Cognitive Dissonance - A psychological term for the discomfort that most people feel when they encounter information which contradicts their existing set of beliefs or values. People who suffer from personality disorders often experience cognitive dissonance when they are confronted with evidence that their actions have hurt others or have contradicted their stated morals.
Uncomfortable Realities:
Cognitive Dissonance occurs whenever a person is confronted with information which conflicts with their own world view. For someone with a Personality Disorder, this includes evidence their actions have hurt others or have contradicted their stated morals.
Examples of Cognitive Dissonance:
If a person holds the view "mother's know what is best for their children" they may experience conflict when presented with evidence that a mother has acted in a violent, unkind or abusive way towards one of her children.
If a person holds the view "all believers of a particular faith will go to heaven" they may feel cognitive dissonance when they witness a believer actingin a cruel or depraved manner.
If a person holds the belief "I am a good person" they may experience cognitive dissonance whenever it is obvious their words or actions have hurt others.
Confronted by evidence which contradicts their values or beliefs, a person is forced to make an uncomfortable choice:
To hold to their belief and disregard the data they have been presented with or
To modify their beliefs and risk having to re-evaluate their world view, their choices and their character.
What it feels like:
People who are experiencing cognitive dissonance may adopt a pattern of denial, diversion and defensiveness to control their discomfort. They may also alternate between periods of denial and periods of admission when they try to compensate or make amends.
Non personality-disordered (Non-PD) individuals often experience cognitive dissonance when they are confronted with evidence that their partner, spouse, parent, sibling or child is not behaving in a loving way toward them. This may contradict their belief or desire that their family is healthy or "normal".
Non-PD's may also experience cognitive dissonance when they discover that their own reactions or responses to challenging behavior on the part of a family member do not reveal their best side. They may display occasional angry outbursts, actions of deception or retribution, such as violence, shouting, name calling, sabotage, affairs, gossip and slander. Following such actions they may feel shameful, worthless or powerless. They may feel regret that they have handed justification for bad behavior to the abusive person in their home. They may even blame themselves for contributing to the abuse and dysfunction in the home.
What NOT to do:
If you experience cognitive dissonance as a Non-PD:
Don't blame yourself or shame yourself for having had contradictory thoughts or assumptions. Everybody has them. They are an important part of growth and learning.
Don't assume that because you have been wrong or mistaken about one thing that you are wrong and mistaken about everything. Accept your errors for what they are and learn from them.
Don't consider yourself worthless, useless or powerless.
Don't try to over-compensate for your weaknesses by over steering in the direction of your strengths. Try to love and accept the whole you.
Don't go into denial about things which are plain facts. Try to accept the truth and learn from it.
Don't make any big announcements, dramatic gestures or life decisions while you are feeling emotional. Wait until you have had time to think and consider your options.
If a Personality-Disordered person in your life experiences cognitive dissonance:
Don't take advantage of them by preaching, pontificating or nagging. Nobody likes that.
Don't mock, ridicule, shame or criticize another person who is struggling, no matter how much you may feel they deserve it.
Don't be surprised if they engage in denial, desperately seek an "out" or rationalize away flawed thinking, poor choices or unkind behavior.
Don't blame yourself for another person's behaviors, words or beliefs. That's their stuff.
Don't condone abusive behavior or speech. Protect yourself and children.
If you suspect you may have a family member or loved-one who suffers from a personality disorder, we encourage you to learn all you can and surround yourself with support as you learn how to cope.
Five years ago, a photographer, an engineer, a writer, an office manager, a grandmother, a graphic artist, a law student, a husband, a librarian, and a stained-glass artisan came together to connect a diverse, isolated population in search of information, support, and growth as they strive to cope with a family members, spouses or partners who suffer from a personality disorder. Since its launch on November 1, 2007, Out Of The FOG has grown from a fledgling discussion group with 10 participants, to a vibrant community of over 4000 registered members world-wide, with new members joining every day.
On August 31 2012, the Out of the FOG Support Forum crossed two significant milestones - 100,000 member posts and 10,000 topics. Thanks to all who participate and contribute to the OOTF support board, which is a unique source of support to non-personality-disordered individuals all over the world.
