Feeling good makes me feel bad

[Healing Finally]

Hi all 

I'm not sure if this happens only when I'm in an emotional flashback (which I believe I am experiencing right now as my boyfriend's bullying brother trigger me 2 days ago) but I find my brain literally hurts when I'm experiencing something good.  I have to fight the bad feelings that keep over-riding the good feelings.

As an example, I just moved out of my BPD boyfriend's 91 year old mother's house (he is her primary caretaker) as the living situation is unhealthy. I found a room in a great house, with an amazing view.  I sit in my new room looking out the window and it hurts me.  They also have a hot tub.  What a dream!  I sit in the hot tub at night, looking out over the city lights and I fight the pain, like I'm not supposed to feel good!

It's like my brain can't flip back, adjust to the new good experiences and instead wants to stay in the pain, like it doesn't know how to navigate out of it.  The good is painful.  Then I just want to go back in my room, shut the curtains and sleep (dissociate.)

I look forward to when I can enjoy my new place.  Does anyone else experience this and do you have any recommendations on how to let the good in?

Thanks 

[BlancaLap]

What you're saying makes a lot of sense. You are used to feel bad, to feel anxious, to feel pain, but when something good happens, you wanna relax, you wanna be calm, but your brain is telling you: "the world is dangerous, you can't guard down", so it sends you bad feelings so you don't stay calm and guard down. I used to get anxious about thinking that my new university classmates like me, and then get more "relaxed" when I though they hate me, like something like this happened inside my brain:
1) when they think they like me: "Omg, they like me, what do I do? I have to keep it that way at any cost!"
2) when I think they don't like me: "they already hate me, there is nothing I can do, just endure it"
Maybe your brain is so used to the pain that you don't know what to do when something good happens to you. Maybe it is an EF. Maybe you're so used to the bad things that when good things happen it makes you uncomfortable. Maybe you want so badly to feel good that you end up feeling bad for not being able to feel good? Don't be hard on yourself: it is normal and it will end one day. Just stay doing your therapy and talk about it.

[Hope66]

I am grateful to read your post HealingFinally, and also your reply BlancaLap - I relate very much to what you've both said here.  I acknowledged only yesterday how I was 'feeling better' in myself and had some feelings of hope for the future - and since I said that in the forum, I feel as if I've been criticised for it by my inner critic, and in my dreams I felt as if things would 'go wrong' and I would be 'punished' - so I definitely relate to what you are both saying here.

HealingFinally - I hope very much that you will be able to enjoy your lovely new view and your hot tub - more and more as time goes on, and that you'll feel able to give yourself permission to be more 'relaxed' and feel comfortable.

BlancaLap - you wrote so well - it makes perfect sense what you said.  It's helped me today.

I'm glad this thread is here, because it helped me to make sense of my feelings - thank you.

Hope 

[woodsgnome]

Sometimes I seem stuck in a song called "The Hyper-vigilant's Lament" or something like it. Per usual, I know too well the 'why' of it all--with  my abusers it was even a source of delight to see me after they'd promised something good would happen, then cause some real harm instead; then laugh, torment, or something else to rub in the pain they felt good about inflicting.

Even now, long after, it's what I expect. I'm like the proverbial naysayer, e.g. knowing the fair weather today won't last, etc. Yes, I'm trying to change that; yes, I train myself to find another perspective. And yes, it's very hard to break the habit of knowing the other shoe will drop any moment. Not might drop...but will; and hard.

Well, okay; there's enough to grumble about. Being careful about life isn't the worst trait to have, I suppose; and some people can benefit from a 'devil's advocate' opinion. Still I dream of all that good to come, not appreciating the good around me right now, and falling into the endless dream of someday, when all I want it to have a good today.

[foolscapfire]

I have very similar issues. When I'm around good people, in a good job, in a good living situation, I can feel good for little moments, but mostly feel bad like I don't deserve it or I'm going to mess it uo. I hope that you can find some peace in your hot tub. I'm going to try to find some peace in my shower. Ive been in a panic attack all day.

[Healing Finally]

   Appreciate your responses very much - so much appreciate I have a place to share these very personal feelings and that we can understand and support each other.

There are days when I can feel good and I think after I get through all the anguish of moving out of my BPD boyfriend's mother's house, and settle into my new place. I will be able to appreciate the good that somehow has manifested in my life.

From what I hear I just need to take care of myself, quit thinking about everyone else.  But it's not easy for me to do this, I'd much prefer to not pay attention to what I need, so much easier! 

[sanmagic7]

i think it's practice and patience that we need.  we've had so much practice at knowing the neg., enduring and surviving it that it's become second nature at times, and comfortable.  i also think we need to be patient with ourselves, allow ourselves to experience the positive stuff that has been denied us before.

eventually, we'll have enough practice with the good that it will begin to override the bad, and the tide will turn.  big hug to you.