Recovering to 'Me Now'

[I like vanilla]

I am not sure if this is in the correct category, so am OK if the moderators move it. It is about recovery but also a bit of a philosophical exercise too.

There have been discussions on this forum, and in my life, about the 'me before', in the sense that resources for people with PTSD talk about 'getting back to the you you were before the bad thing happened'. Of course, for those of us with CPTSD there are 'bad things' that happened.

More complicated, for many of us who have CPTSD as a result of childhood trauma and abuse (including me), the 'before' does not really exist. For me, the abuse likely started from the day I was born, and continued until I separated from my FOO. Actually, beyond that as the legacy of my FOO meant that I was still choosing abusive relationships until I got further along on my healing journey. In my case, as for many of us here, the 'before' would be 'infancy' (at, ahem, 'best') but really 'pre-natal' would likely be more accurate. So, there is no 'me before the bad thing(s) happened' to go back to. Now what?

Lately, I have been working with a career counsellor. After hours of aptitude, personality, skills, etc. tests, we have come up with a number of career paths that I would likely be really good at. I have narrowed these down to about seven those that I would be good at and would likely also make me happy and fit my values. I am excited about these possibilities and can see myself doing any or all of them.

During this process, I have been realizing how much of the abuse directed toward me by my FOO, in particular my uNM, was focused on stifling the person that I was trying to be, at that time mostly just an independent Self separate from her. The messages were also aimed toward hindering me from undertaking activities that might lead me to happiness, satisfaction, fulfillment, or any type of 'success' (where I define success as the three characteristics listed, plus making a positive contribution to the world). As I got older these stifling and hindering messages also included ideas that I may never find work that I find satisfying and fulfilling. I am also unfortunately discovering how many of these stifling messages I have internalized and which I must now fight against as I continue moving forward in my career work.

Along the way, it also occurred to me that these potential career paths are essentially the 'mes' that I would have/could have been had I had a good or even good enough FOO. In exploring these career paths, I feel like I am entering parallel universes where I can see myself as I had grown up with a good enough FOO. I also feel like I am being given an opportunity to re-capture the me that was lost to me - really that was stolen from me by my FOO.

So, now I think part of my healing journey has a goal to figure out not who the 'me was before the bad things' but who the 'me is now that I can reclaim her'... if that makes sense?  I had despaired over the idea of any ability to claim the 'me before' as that goal is essentially impossible. But, now I have some hope, because figuring out who I am now, and who I can be, is possible... and I am excited and curious to find out who I am...

[BlancaLap]

For us who have been abused since childhood, is not about being "who we were", but rather discovering our true selves now. Even if I'm not sure how my true true self is, I wanna know it, and I wanna be that person, because that person would be me. I wanna discover myself, what I like, what I don't like, how I am, how I'm not... I think the whole C-PTSD thing is about discovering yourself. It is hard because you may have no idea, or little idea about who you really are, but it is SO great to discover it. I know it.
It makes sense what you're saying. And I think the same way. Just know that you have a true self, it exists, it is inside of you, never forget that.

[Blueberry]

For us who have been abused since childhood, is not about being "who we were", but rather discovering our true selves now. Even if I'm not sure how my true true self is, I wanna know it, and I wanna be that person, because that person would be me. I wanna discover myself, what I like, what I don't like, how I am, how I'm not... I think the whole C-PTSD thing is about discovering yourself. It is hard because you may have no idea, or little idea about who you really are, but it is SO great to discover it.

I know this topic has been discussed somewhere else on here but I don't remember where off-hand.