somebody else's suicide 'threat'; TW also for CSA!

[Blueberry]

Rather than hijack PeTe's thread, I copied sanmagic's response over here because some of it really speaks to me:

unfortunately, to my mind, this is a manipulation used to get us to do what they want rather than what we want. 

i'm very sorry you've experienced this from such a young age, had it ingrained in you for most all your life.  you absolutely have a right to your boundaries, no matter what anyone says.  using suicide as a damocles' sword is terrible. 

B2 forbade me from ever mentioning to M that I see various of her actions towards me as a child as CSA. (I told the Bs before the advent of grandchildren so that the Bs could protect their children from it.) B2 forbade it in case M committed suicide! I think the idea of her doing that is laughable, it just so doesn't fit any other of her behaviour. She'd just say I was being crazy, making things up etc etc. But to B I just said I thought it was unlikely, and he countered with "but it's possible".

So lightbulb on now with san's post: B2 was getting me to do what he wanted: not talk about it otherwise in FOO. And he was also implying that M's well-being is more important than mine.  Did anybody in FOO never think that I might have problems with suicidal thoughts?? No. B1 opined once that suicide is a selfish act while I sat there thinking that what your FOO says and does to drive you there is maybe actually the selfish act. Don't anybody get me wrong please! I'm not saying anybody should commit suicide but B2 here was just doing a blatant perpetrator / victim switch, which I didn't really notice much at the time, just accepted it as the way things had to be if I wanted contact with my Bs. I was probably still NC with my M and F (for the first time around) at that point. I do have suicide ideation, though now much reduced. Not that FOO knows that because I don't talk about it. Once again I'm speechless versus FOO.   

these are just my thoughts, my opinions.  i don't mean to be harsh - i just know how much suffering goes on when someone believes they have to deny what feels right for themselves because someone else has issues that they're not resolving. 

It doesn't sound harsh to me, san. I'm realising bit by bit how much I've suffered over the years due to denying myself what feels right to me, or worse even denying myself the opportunity to try and feel what's right for me, because the rest of FOO has issues they're not resolving. So not even someone, but M, F, B1, B2 and SIL2. Five people. And while they were still alive, the three grandparents I knew, even the one who tried to support me, she had issues too. It's hard to say that, I feel disloyal. But to become a fully-functioning independent adult I would have needed to Idk exactly feel able to say what I felt or set boundaries without being fearful of what she might say. Though come to think of it, I could do that far better with her than with M or F.
And also another relative of same generation as my grandparents. She and GrM helped me, but also believed that their ways of seeing relationships within my FOO and 'my blame' within it all were correct (they didn't discuss with each other obviously because they didn't see the issue the same way). There wasn't any idea that I would be allowed to set boundaries myself. Somebody would do it for me. I was in my early 20s at the time. What were they thinking??  but also