Diagnosis Has Set Me Free

[Kotz]

Hi. I'm new here and to cPSTD. I was diagnosed with cPTSD a couple of weeks ago and I feel like it has unlocked a huge door in my mind. In just these few weeks I feel like I have already made progress in my recovery.  I have finally been able to fully embrace the fact that I was emotionally abused which has released me from so much guilt. I have been able to identify a couple EFs and diffuse them. 

This has been an intensive year for me. I discovered NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) in January and it explained my whole life. My mother is a Narc so while I could never explain what was so bad about my childhood and my interactions with her as an adult, I knew there was something very wrong and painful for me. I read everything I could get my hands on and discovered so much about myself, my life, and my family. I realized that my father was at best an abusive enabler (He found another Narc in his second wife) and at worst a covert Narc himself. After writing to him about all the hurt that he caused me around my wedding (2 years ago) and in the time since then and having him respond in a very hurtful and dismissive manner, I decided to go NC with him (and by extension my two much younger half-brothers) around Easter. After a long and heart -wrenching process, I came to accept that my grandmother (with whom my mother is current living) is an enabler and will not listen to anything about me having to protect myself from my mother and the intense pain that being in contact with her causes me.  Accepting this allowed me to go NC with my mother and her 6 months ago. Though it was been amazing in many ways and I have been able to heal and grow, it was also been guilt inducing. I was constantly second guessing my decision. With my diagnosis, I finally feel free of that. I feel like it is something very real and objective that I can point to and say "It was real, it did happen, it was that bad!"

I now feel that I can put my past behind me while at the same time accepting it. I also feel that now I can work on all the things that I struggle with daily as something which I have as a part of having cPTSD and not as just a part of who I am. I no longer feel that there is something wrong with me or that I am weird. I know that I can change these things without sacrificing who I am. I am very much looking forward to working through cPTSD and connecting with others who are dealing with it.

[Dee]

Welcome.  It is really nice to hear all of your good news and hopes.  There are of course bumps along the way and we will be here for both the ups and downs.

[BlancaLap]

Welcome and I'm glad you're better now! Sending you a big hug!

[sanmagic7]

so glad you're here, kotz.  we'll also be here to support you along the way. 

your courage and strength shine through.  tough stuff, but, like you, it has set me free.

big hug to you.

[Skier Anonymous]

It's like being given the keys to the kingdom, anything becomes possible through belief and enthusiasm. Keep it up and keep passing it on!