Hello all from a new member, currently experiencing a flashback at work :-S

[goth_mike]

Hello everyone, it seems only fitting to introduce myself as a new member, although I apologise in advance for not beginning on a more positive note.

For most of my life so far (in early 30s at the moment) I have experienced significant mental health issues.  The first was having developed an anxiety disorder during my latter school years, where I would wake up physically ill every morning, and would be sick each day until there was no longer a possibility of going out.  Although it added to the general distress at the time, in retrospect this was a perfectly understandable (although no-one else did) and quite adaptive reaction to uncontrollable external events.  This seemed to "miraculously" clear up when the (awful in case you're wondering) school years had finally passed, and was then replaced with about four years of crippling depression.  Again in retrospect this was an adaptive response, but at the time I had no awareness of the causes, many of which were no longer current, but some (mainly due to living with parents) persisted outside of my awareness.

Mental health professionals had no better idea, and only attempted to treat the symptoms.  When I either had no response, or an adverse response to prescribed drugs I felt that I was simply 'written off' as 'untreatable'.  I had developed my own coping mechanisms however, which persist to this day, namely alcohol and weed.  These began as ways to improve my mood, but have since evolved more into methods of obtaining a generally numbed state.

After a string of rubbish dead-end jobs, all of which I was summarily fired from, I made the conscious decision that my depression must be "cured".  For around ten years after this I had no idea how this had been done but I achieved a general sense of being "level", albeit with seemingly random depressive episodes and the occasional out-of-character examples of hurtful and unexpected behaviour.  Even at the time I internally referenced these events as "flashbacks" although why they happened was a complete mystery.  Another persisting mystery was my total inability to develop relationships on anything other than the most superficial level.

However, with the major depression apparently "cured" I was able to attend university and then get a "proper" job.  Over this time I had the overwhelming feeling (although obviously fiction, so more of a fantasy) that I was an extraterrestrial sent to Earth to determine the suitability of the life forms to be safeguarded, instead of the planet being summary destroyed.  Despite trying to look for good around me, I came to the conclusion that there was not one single decent human worthy of any type of redemption, and that it would not be an issue if they simply ceased to exist, as if the place had never been there.

So, all this came to a head a couple of months ago when someone ask me "how do you feel?"  My response was instant and honest: "Nothing."  The realisation then dawned that everything I do is purely born of logic - there is absolutely no feeling involved.  I thought "this is no way to live" and did a bit of research on (effectively) having no emotion.  Realisations followed, mainly that my formative years had been tragic enough that I had simply "shut down".  Leading up to this I had been experiencing the most disturbing nightmares, the subject of which was an innocent child.  Then I realised that the subject of my nightmares was in fact myself, and a whole host of memories came flooding back.  I simply could not keep "faking it" any more.

So, after letting the emotions in and trying to work out what they are over the last couple of months, it was good to find that some of them did indeed feel "nice", which is something I must desperately attempt to cling on to.

But now I'm in the middle of a particularly intense flashback, which started last night (mine usually last a few weeks unfortunately), and I'm at work.  This is pretty bad - I feel like I could break down at any moment, and am not completely sure I can hold it together this time.  Although I've realised that I should let it out, this would not be an appropriate venue.  It feels like there is nowhere I can go, and despite recently opening up to a couple of friends who I guessed may be receptive, it feels like no-one could possibly understand.  I keep getting images of former caregivers and authority figures coming up with their dismissive three word statements of "get over yourself", "it's only a phase", "pull yourself together" and all that old guff and begin to feel genuinely alone once again.

Only a few more hours left of my working day now.... man this is tiring...

So anyway that's me, wishing you all many better days to come 

[sanmagic7]

wishing the same to you, gothmike, and welcome.  very glad you found us.

i think that you'll find people here who 'get it', who won't tell you those same old tired placebo phrases, and who will care about and support you unconditionally.

have you looked at pete walker's book/online articles?  they explain emotional flashbacks and how to help yourself through them so they're not as long lasting nor debilitating. 

you're a survivor, gm, just like the rest of us.  you've got what it takes to get thru this.  sending you a hug (if that's ok) filled with care and comfort.

[Three Roses]

Welcome, gothmike! I'm sure glad you found us.

Lots of us here, myself included, have a history of self-medicating. You are not alone! Whether it's a substance or an activity, we get that it's better than the feelings we're trying to escape. The only problem is that all those coping skills turn dysfunctional and destructive. Numbing things only prolongs the misery and need to escape.

Sanmagic is right, there are steps to take to counteract EFs; Pete Walker's got them on his website, here's a link to them - http://pete-walker.com/13StepsManageFlashbacks.htm (if you follow that link, there's a link off to the left titled Flashback Management that has more info on emotional flashbacks).

Again, welcome and thanks for joining!

[goth_mike]

Thanks for the replies, indeed I have been reading through Mr Walker's 13 steps repeatedly today!  Staring out the window and watching the sun set through the rain though (which was beautiful today)  did offer a little comfort.  Nearly finished with the day now, just need enough energy to get home safely.

Indeed I have both of Pete Walker's books - I read the "shrinking the outer critic" chapter last night which I found triggering, as this is one of my major struggles.  Luckily as a teenager I realised the inner critic working away sabotaging my attempts at pretty much anything, so have been working to replace it's thoughts since then, which overall has been pretty successful.  I only learned last night though how it could pervade so strongly and masquerade as the outer critic.  This made me realise exactly how much work I had left to do, and how much effort it would take, and that the toxic critic is alive and well.  Not only that but it is probably the feature which has overridden all attempts at emotional intimacy with friends (forget romantic attachment I had concluded there was literally no such thing).  The task feels insurmountable at the moment!  Like I've made a start but only touched the surface.  Then thought that because I seem so badly damaged, and it's taken 20 years of struggle to get this far, it will probably take longer than my remaining lifetime to feel "good enough" most of the time.  The logical progression of that thought was rather terrible, as can probably be imagined.

I actually began with the book "Running on Empty" by Jonice Webb PhD, which is about childhood emotional neglect.  This was a great help, but I realised there was a lot more hiding 'under the surface' which seemed like I could feel but not see.  This led me to further research, and eventually to a conclusion of C-PTSD.  I then picked up both Pete Walker books and decided to read "Surviving to Thriving" first.  So far every chapter has described my experiences to near total accuracy, so I think I'm on the right track.

Actually, on thinking about it, an awareness of what is happening to me, plus the knowledge I'm not actually born defective in some way, has helped immensely over the course of the day.  Oh and I've now actually survived another day but without "shutting down" I can count as an achievement.  A few months ago those feelings would have persisted for weeks.

Also no more self meds at the moment - I ran out and decided simply not to bother searching for any more in an effort to use my spare time to more effectively reconnect with my "real" self (whoever that is!) but it does mean my evenings alone can be slightly scary.  I won't be over the addictions yet, but healing their reasons, or at least working on it, should provide some hope for the future.

Thanks guys!

[sanmagic7]

yay, you, on making it thru another day.  well done!

i'm 70 now, have just come to this about 2 yrs. ago, so i have some similar wonderings about having enough time to 'fix' all this.  i can say, tho, that the more i look into it, the more i find myself, the better i feel about it all.  finally, after half a lifetime of therapy, etc., i can finally say it's becoming more of an interesting adventure than anything else.

yeah, definitely you were not born defective.   here's a hug filled with healing and peace.

[goth_mike]

Thanks for virtual hugs!  Today is going a lot better, much more level, so that's good.

Indeed what I have found out so far is certainly fascinating, despite having only just begun.  The most surprising thing is that with a bit more basic understanding of myself, everyone else suddenly makes much more sense as well!  Although one of the first things I noticed seemed to be CPTSD symptoms EVERYWHERE, from the poor girl in the same office building who says "sorry" to each person she passes in the corridor to my boss suddenly and without warning changing from being outgoing to red faced and embarrassed looking.  Just this feeling that I'm seeing the world of people for the first time has been enough to reduce flashback times from weeks to days, although I am still unaware of a great many triggers and they still take me by surprise, followed by the feeling of having been "kicked the * out of" for a while after.

It seems that a great many people in general are on some kind of CPTSD spectrum, which I have mixed feelings (these are new) about; it is surely sad that so many will go through their whole lives without awareness of what is wrong, and therefore spreading and perpetuating the same issues through generations, but at the same time I feel rather smug about having realised the need, and at least finding out what I don't know.  It's also OK to feel ANYTHING, which is a relief - I had previously learned that certain feelings were "out of bounds" - experiencing any of these thing would traditionally result in severe and harshly unfair consequences.

I find that in any endeavour, the first step to real knowledge is finding out what you need to learn.  From the perspective of a good day (today) the knowledge of what I need to learn is liberating and a driving force for continual improvement.

I do hope that in time I too can comment in ways which are thoughtful and soothing to other forum members.

[Three Roses]

I do hope that in time I too can comment in ways which are thoughtful and soothing to other forum members.

You already have.

[sanmagic7]

 

[BlancaLap]

"So, all this came to a head a couple of months ago when someone ask me "how do you feel?"  My response was instant and honest: "Nothing."  The realisation then dawned that everything I do is purely born of logic - there is absolutely no feeling involved.  I thought "this is no way to live" and did a bit of research on (effectively) having no emotion.  Realisations followed, mainly that my formative years had been tragic enough that I had simply "shut down".  Leading up to this I had been experiencing the most disturbing nightmares, the subject of which was an innocent child.  Then I realised that the subject of my nightmares was in fact myself, and a whole host of memories came flooding back.  I simply could not keep "faking it" any more."
OMG, I can relate so much to this. The realization that you're actually not feeling anything, then the memories flooding back, all the emotions coming together... and the inability to keep faking it. Sometimes I say to myself that if my parents' respond was good instead of a: "that happened a long time ago, get over it", I would be so much better right now, and, like, I would be in a whole new level of recovery in my recovery journey...
So sorry to hear your story. Never believe a: "get over it", people that say that have no idea what they are talking about. What happened to you was horrible and you have the right to be treated the way you deserve. Sending you a big hug!

[goth_mike]

Thanks!  Sending you a big hug full of love and compassion in return!

Sometimes it feels like a weight has lifted when I hear of others' pretty much identical experiences, but at the same time is quite sad that these things have happened to so many others, as I wouldn't wish some of these experiences and the resulting stuff to sort out on anyone!  It is also no comfort that the behaviour of others which led to CPTSD symptoms were the result of the same feelings in them!