I don't know what to believe any more...

[east17]

Since when did the normal ups and downs of life start getting reframed as 'abuse'?
A lot of the stuff I've read online I experienced too, but just accepted that it was 'part of growing up'. Now I'm being told that I suffered an abusive childhood...Really!?

[Gwyon]

east17,

It’s about how your experiences affected you. If you don’t experience the symptoms described on this forum then i'm happy for you and it doesn't matter how you label your childhood experiences.

Kindly.

[Three Roses]

We were led to believe it was normal. I was taught or conditioned or whatever to call what happened to me "spanking". It wasn't.

It's a tough realization. 

[Gwyon]

This is bringing to mind times as an adolescent when my family would give me a hard time about being sensitive, thinking "too much", being vegetarian, whatever. They would say, "If you can't take it at home you won't be able to take it out in the real world"

That's BS, of course. It was just an excuse for shaming me and making themselves feel superior at my expense. And your home should be a place where you are supported and loved -- where you get the solid foundation of "I'm OK". That's how you enter the "real world" with the strength, and resiliency, and compassion to weather the inevitable storms.

If you were shamed or injured (or both), don't believe the narrative that it was just the normal ups and downs. You deserved better, and so do the children now coming into the world.

Kindly.

[sanmagic7]

i, too, thought my childhood was 'normal', and that i just had childhood 'issues' but no biggie.  i believed my c-ptsd began in my adult relationships.  had no clue that my coping mechanisms (drinking, drugging, relationships, co-dependency, etc. etc.) were a result of how i was keeping myself emotionally safe, that anxiety and depression from my teen years onward were just me.

like 3roses said, it's how our experiences affected us.  it wasn't till i looked deeper that i found some troubling realizations about my childhood.  no overt violence, or anything of that sort, but lack of emotional acceptance, acknowledgment, and nurturing did its number on me. 

it's different for all of us.  there's a reason you decided to post here.  we're with you all the way. 

[rbswan]

I always knew there was something very wrong about my parents, but thought that was the way it was for everyone.  For me, identification came after "hitting a bottom" with many ongoing issues operating at once - ongoing depression, anxiety, hypervigilence, substance addictions, paranoia, inability to trust, intimacy problems with all people, crippling bouts of fear with no external source, process addictions, food issues, disassociation and numbing out, PTSD, CPTSD and on an on. 

It was always something and I thought all that was normal, because that is what my parents were like, until I couldn't live with it and sought help.  When I started talking about my childhood to friends, recovery meetings and in therapy, the horrified expressions and reactions started to tell me that I suffered from multiple forms of abuse.  What I thought was normal was not just abuse, but extreme, ongoing abuse that resulted in C-PTSD.  Part of the problem is I was trained to "don't talk, don't trust and don't feel" so I had no skills to process it and wouldn't talk to anyone about my issues. 

You may not have the same experience and only you can make the determination about you and your upbringing.  Whatever you come up with is your truth and will be respected here.  This is a safe and caring place to explore these things without judgement.   I hope you find some answers.

[Kat]

Welcome East17.  Interesting comments.  Not sure how you define "normal ups and downs of life" or who it is that is "reframing" your experiences as abuse.  What is it that you're looking for here? 

[ah]

Hi east17 

I can only write from personal experience.

I think a label is only useful when you feel you have less pain and more clarity as a result of using it. So if the label "abuse" doesn't help you, no need to use it.
For me it's liberating but it's different for each person. No one ever reframed my life for me, it's my decision alone and I don't share it with anyone in real life either. (I'd share it with a therapist but no one else really.) It's all about self-care, it's a very private, personal thing.

And, causes of trauma may be one thing, the symptoms of trauma itself are another issue altogether.
You might ask yourself: do I have those symptoms right now? Do they cause me pain, do I want to work on it and lighten the load?
If you answer "no, I don't seem to have them" then you maybe have an answer.
If it's "yes" then no matter what the causes may be, you don't need to dive into them, trauma can be managed: you can learn about the brain and how trauma works, and all the other excellent recommendations out there nowadays.

If you answer "yes" that doesn't mean you have to now have abuse-oriented therapy and start taking apart your life story. Sometimes that can cause harm, I know it from personal experience.
Some therapists believe the only way to treat trauma is by digging into its causes but it's often counter-productive, especially with c-ptsd. Especially if it's something you feel uncomfortable doing.
I know I was abused all my life and yet going back and thinking these experiences through is often re-traumatizing so I only do it when it lessens my pain and gives me clarity. When it doesn't, I try to leave the past in the past, whatever it may be, whatever I label it or think of it. Instead I focus solely on my feelings, thoughts and physiological stress and anxiety in the present moment. I learn about the brain and learn ways to calm down my body and understand my self-neglecting thoughts and feelings. The story I try to leave aside completely much of the time.

Personally, the moment I realized I had c-ptsd I put my effort into understanding and managing its symptoms here and now. The rest became secondary.

I think I'd believe my own feelings. I'd believe my pain and my own wish for more happiness. If I want to feel happier and ache less, I'd believe that. I'd lean on that, because it's a good, healthy, self-caring feeling. You, right now, what you're going through at present, those are the important things. You matter.

[BlancaLap]

All my life my family have told me it was normal, but deep down I knew it wasn't... I get why you though it was