ch. 3 70's survival

[Elphanigh]

I will be glad to bring a warm thought to your mind that morning. My friend from Germany started one for my dad when he got in his wreck, and has lit one for each of his surgeries. I find myself comforted by it, and would like to do the same for you. I am ever grateful to have you as my friend

[sanmagic7]

ditto, el.  it will warm me to think of that candle.  thank you, sweetie.

my body is letting me down now.  the last few days the muscles have been so tight that it hurts to just walk.  my legs haven't bothered me, just my body.  the pain is becoming overwhelming.

this morning i was going to walk - one thing i like to do that brings a sense of normalcy for me, and lets me know i'm doing something good for myself, as opposed to just sitting in this chair all day.  when i got up, a shooting pain went thru the top of my left foot.  it repeated itself several times, sharp enough that i said 'ouch' out loud.

i decided i wanted to ignore it, walk it off, as it were.  as i was stepping down the step at the front door, the pain shot through again.  there's a stairway to the ground level, it's wet in the mornings so i'm extra careful anyway cuz it's also rather steep, and the thought of 20 steps stopped me in my tracks.  i couldn't take the chance. 

back in i went, rather despondent.  my body's letting me down on too many levels, all of them painful.  i'm so tired of this bullpucky.  i don't know what to do anymore.  will this ever be over?  i don't think so.  i truly don't think i will ever be well again.  what a downer.  i can only maintain now, and that bums me out.  i can't see it any other way, and that's never happened before. 

a dark shadow has covered my landscape, and i can only say this here and to my t.  i will not let my d and hub hear this from me.  i will not distress them like that.  they are worried enough about me.  my d's roomie, the little sweetie, took off work for thurs. to make sure she would be able to use his car so she could be with me for the day of surgery.  she's still not fully healed, either, from her own surgery, so she doesn't know how long she'll be able to stay, but she's gonna be there at least for part of my day. 

such kindness from both of them, each in their own way.  i appreciate his offer - i just don't want him to jeopardize his job for me.  hopefully, this won't.  i burst into tears while writing her to thank him for me.  such acts of kindness are still quite foreign to me.  so used to pushing through on my own, 'kindness' is hard for me to take.

a candle burning for me, standing with me on that day, even heartfelt well wishes.  it seems overwhelming.  i love it.

[rbswan]

I will light a candle too, San, and send healing thoughts and prayers your way.  Even in your pain and trials I've seen you show beautiful kindness to others, including me, and the power of your strong heart will come back to you through the others you have supported.  Blessings, health, and love through all of this.   

[sanmagic7]

your offer of another candle moved me to tears, rb.  i can't thank you enough.  that is so sweet and kind.  i will now have 2 candles warming me and helping to lift this shadow that is threatening to engulf me.    back atcha.

i don't want to give up or give in.  when tom petty died, i sent out my own memorial to some friends that included his song 'won't back down'.  it says 'i will stand my ground, and i won't back down.'  truly inspirational to me.  i haven't backed down yet, and i don't intend to.  still, i'm scared of being so overwhelmed with all this med. b.s. that it will crush me against my will.

i'm still standing.  as in the past, the people here are propping me up.  my gratitude is endless.  i don't know where i'd be without you. 

[Sceal]

I will light a candle too.

If at all possible, try to just take moment by moment before the surgery and after. It's hard, but that way it's easier to not give up.
We are all here rooting for you. And here to be with you through this.

I believe in you.

[sanmagic7]

awww, sceal, how very sweet.  3 candles, the darkness isn't quite as black.  thank you so much.  unbelievable!

i was probing the area on my scalp that the doc pretty much cleared when he took the biopsies, and felt the creeping crud growing and showing more once again.  it sent me into a pretty bad funk this morning.   if it's growing this quickly in a month, i can't imagine what it's done in 10 yrs.  not good food for thought.

i'm afraid i'm just a bummer here these past weeks.   i am not feeling well mentally or emotionally.  my body is in more pain than ever.  i feel nearly paralyzed by stress.  this is the one place i feel ok to just let this out, get it outside of me, see it on the screen. 

ok, that brought on a bought of anger, and my bed paid the price.  it felt good, tho, pounding it out.  i have a bit more energy right this minute.  i am so p.o'd about this!!!  dang, i hate that this is happening to me.  good - righteous anger to the fore.  blast those incompetents who let this grow for so long.  i hate them all!!!

[Sceal]

Just let it out.
Beat the bed, or use your words. Or both.

No wonder you are angry, perhaps even beyond angry! You have every right to be. For this, and for so many other things too.

[Blueberry]

i'm afraid i'm just a bummer here these past weeks.   

FWIW, that's not my impression at all on here! You're replying to others' posts including mine, sending hugs of warmth and whatever particular brand of healing you sense the person needs.

Agree with Sceal, you have plenty of reason to be angry! Let it out as you can and come here for   

I'll be imagining a candle for you on Thursday, not able to actually light one that day.

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, thank you so much.  even an imaginary candle counts in my book.  it will be lighting my way along with the rest of them, and giving me warmth as well.  and thank you both for reaffirming for me that it's ok for me to be pissy about this.  i'm so not used to that being ok.  people usually get really upset when i get mad, and somehow i end up being hurt because of it.  a pattern in my life.

i appreciate you all so much, i can't even begin to tell you.  big hug to you.

[sanmagic7]

ok, the big day is tomorrow.  physically and emotionally, i feel horrible.  the stress of this has been overwhelming.  too many unknowns, too many emotions around it.  anger, yes, fear, hatred, confusion, sadness, gratitude for all the support both here and in real life - i don't know if there are others, but i wouldn't doubt it.  it took a lot of concentration just to pinpoint those.

my chest is tight, swirling fog inside, but heavy.  very heavy.  i have phone therapy with my t in half an hour.  my face is flushed - i've got stress flu right now.  miserable feeling.  after today i don't know when i'll be back here, but i do know you're all coming with me tomorrow.  my circle of protection. 

it's minute by minute today, and tomorrow i'm at the whim of the doc's process.  slice, scope, determine if there are still cancer cells, and if so, repeat the process.  have no idea how long it will take - i just go sit in the waiting room between determinations.  not even sure if it will all be taken care of tomorrow.  it's a pretty large area now, and still spreading.

grant me the serenity, etc.  breathe, thank you wife2.  tom petty, i won't back down.  dylan, you warm my soul.  and all the rest of you, you're my family, you give me strength to keep going thru all this b.s. that keeps clobbering me in the back of the head when i'm not ready for it.    if it weren't for the hugs, fireworks, love, caring, concern, encouragement and these wonderful candles, there'd be no way i'd have made it this far with my mind intact.  thank you all.  much love.

[Elphanigh]

I don't have many words this morning, but I do want to make sure I remind you that I am always with you. That I will be there in spirit tommorow as you go forward.

The large mix of emotions, makes complete sense San. I hope you can let youraeld feel them, but also to try to rest today. You deserve to find some peace in that ability to breathe, as wife2 would remind you to do.

I am sending you all the warmth and comfort in a hug that I can. I will light my candle for you early tomorrow morning, so hopefully you can continue to feel its warmth all day.

[Hope66]

Much love to you for tomorrow, Sanmagic - I want to give you a big  and send you lots of whatever you need to get through the day - you know we are all alongside you 

Hope 

[Sceal]

I am thinking of you, especially, today!

Warm thoughts, strength and love your way

[Elphanigh]

Sending lots of hugs your way today  Also lighting your candle

[sanmagic7]

it's 5:30.  we're leaving at 6:45.  i'm calmer today.  i took time this morning to visualize all of you and my hub, the candles, and i could feel you all inside me, with me.  this will turn out all right.  thank you again.  i'll let you know how it went when i'm able.  love you all.