Self love/acceptance and accepting affection from others

[goblinchild]

I've been learning that this can be a significant part of c-pstd for a lot of people, having to do with emotional development that should have happened when we were all small and receiving love and warmth from our parents. According to what I've learned, a lot of c-pstd sufferers have trouble feeling or even having a concept of that love and warmth for themselves or accepting that other people could potentially or do feel that love and warmth for them.
Does anyone have any stories they'd be comfortable sharing about working through this problem? I'm working on it myself, it would be nice to hear about any wisdom or breakthroughs other people have had, or even commiserate with people who are in the same basket.

[Sceal]

Hello Goblinchild,

I just wrote an answer to you in the other thread. 
I am also working with this, I struggle with it. But I've come to accept and realise that doing self-compassion is a vital part in order to work through the traumas.
I haven't made any breakthroughs, other than realising this. My T says we need to work on mindfulness more, to be more present in the here and now, rather than in the past and in the future. And that'll help with building up the skills of doing self-compassion.

I've also heard, by the way, that people who's been through trauma should do mindfulness in shorter bouts, as it can often become triggering. Or that we'll quickly jump above our tolerance-window. So a 1-5 minutes max, and that's including reflecting how the mindfulness task went.

[habitude]

I find the whole concept of practicing self-compassion almost a tautology: like trying to sleep, the more you try the less you actually sleep. Maybe because I think of compassion as a feeling, and I've never been able to just 'feel' a certain way.

Mind you, I get that it's really important to do this - my T talks about is doing the nurturing and caring that I didn't experience in childhood.

I found an activity on Kristin Nef's website helpful (I can't find a link right now). Basically you first say to yourself: this is a moment of suffering (or pain, or fear or whatever), then say: all living beings experience suffering (or pain etc), then put your hands over your heart if you can, and say: may I treat myself with kindness while you try and feel the emotions.

I don't know if I'm explaining this at all clearly as I'm very sleep deprived atm. Anyway, just wanted to share something that has helped me 'practice' self compassion somewhat. I haven't noticed any differences from before I started practicing this, but I guess it's a journey?

[ah]

I don't know how to accept affection from others. Or from myself, but I can give it to other people so I use that to "trick" my mind into softening around self compassion. Mindfulness really helps me too, it's the only thing that calms down my hypervigilant nervous system. Meds never helped much. I do it as medicine, when I'm in too much emotional pain I breathe and watch my body.

It can be hard at first because it takes about 5-10 minutes to start to calm down but it's worth it, if I can wait it gets better after that. Then I name what I'm feeling as it is, without judgment. Without wanting to feel better. If I did it right now I'd probably say to myself "I'm feeling some anxiety. I'm feeling a little bit of curiosity. I'm feeling some empathy. I'm feeling very tired. I'm feeling some self hatred. Some fear" 'etc.

Plus I focus on compassion for others. I think of a particular person I know is in some pain, and then I try to make the person more and more vague. I think "it doesn't matter whose pain I'm seeing, it's the pain itself that I wish I could take away from them. Could be anybody's pain. Even mine. Pain is pain. Feeling is feeling. Everyone would want to avoid pain and feel relaxed."

Self compassion is far too much for me too. I totally agree it's a skill. Maybe one day!

[EliseB]

I learned how to reach self compassion by doing a loving kindness meditation, in which you're supposed to feel compassion for all beings and all things, the whole world and universe.  The point I took away from the guided meditation was that if you feel a block in your ability to extend compassion to others, then you have to start with yourself.  It made so much sense to me:  If I'm in such a low place that I can't find kindness for others in my heart, then I really do need some loving compassion myself in that moment.

The "trick" for me was realizing that I was capable of doing this for myself.  I was always waiting for love and compassion from another to help me heal.  It was incredibly empowering when I discovered that I can give myself what I need, when I need it the most. 

I work in a helping profession, so I know what it feels like to slip into the role of compassionate caregiver.  For the longest time It was only towards others, but my work taught me how to be that way.  It is like the "mother" in me.  When I'm feeling down, I split myself into those two parts, the strong and nurturing mother, who can turn her love on the child who still suffers inside me.  It's like I've become a self-sustaining ecosystem at times

Not to say that I don't need other people sometimes too.  But when I feel alone or like no one is available to me at the moment, I try to give myself the empathy and patience, love and encouragement that I need. It's still a work in progress, but it helps to alleviate the feelings of helplessness and desperation.