How to speak about it? *CSA trigger*

[LittleBird]

I suppose I need to feel "comfortable" with a therapist. I don't know how I'm going to do this...

[Sceal]

It's taken me 9 months to trust my current therapist. Trust and being able to open up to someone else takes time.
Maybe start with acknowleding the small steps?
Can you tell your T that you're having trouble expressing how things feel for you? But a part of you wants to, but you need the T's help to get there?

[Dee]

I'e been in therapy for two years.  We have very little touched CSA.  She has waited for me to be ready.  I am about to do a trauma narrative though art.  However, she says details are not necessary.  I think she means details as in blow by blow, but not holding back what happened.

[woodsgnome]

Being super-cautious about discussing sexual assault/abuse with a T is perfectly understandable. Compare it to trying to explain with most non-t's; it's almost impossible, which speaks to how awful it was in the first place--especially for the victim left living with the details that haunt them over and over. Here I am, desperately wanting someone to please understand, but knowing that doing so is like traveling a war zone loaded with land mines that could blow up and start the hurt all over.

Given the right T (they aren't exactly equal in empathy), and the trust level being rock solid, it needs saying, though; as it was a huge factor in why/what is going on.

Details? You're not going for historical accounts, but for where certain actions affected you, so that now you can attempt to deal with them differently. The hope is that a skilled T would pick up on your genuine feelings and allow any details to iron themselves out. But there is no set timeline that works for everyone, either. Discussing CSA openly, at least for me, came mostly in short bursts as it became too much of an overwhelm sometimes, mentally and physically.   

I came to my present T a couple years back determined not to let anything stop where I needed to be; knowing that a fair chunk of what affected me was sexual abuse. I only knew that this T told me she had a basic understanding of cptsd-type traumas. That plugged in trust factor #1, but it took a while to develop further. As we grew the trust factor, it no longer seemed to matter that she hear every little detail of every thing that happened, but for sure she needed to know how that was still in control of so much of my life.

Eventually most of the hidden detail slipped into the exchange anyway. And while it hurt and shook me, it seemed fine to go there at last, and it was like an albatross was gone too. It never became too horrible to relate, given again that critical trust factor remained strong. It ended up as a huge relief to know that I didn't need to be ashamed or re-wounded by informing someone I trusted (at long last!) of what went down.

The fear you express, Sunrise, is very real, and adds to the tension of going forward--the fear that what's said "...will be assessed and quantified but also lose a value. I think that stems from feeling devalued by the trauma tho." So yes, it's a double-whammy and the victim ends up paying the price again. But given the right T relationship, it's worth it to consider that the pain of some details being known might be of benefit on the other end in the form of relief.

Still, how to break the ice is a good question--the idea of poetry, art expression, and/or writing it down all bring other elements which may help. Something else I've occasionally done when I know hard stuff might trip me up is to have with me a special tactile object--a stone or shell, maybe even a treasured feather or natural item I'd found. Even having an essence like a lavender stick for calming, might help. Not as distractions but as touch-points to soothe my nerves and remind me I'm okay, and in a safe place.

Sorry if I got a little wordy here--breaking the taboo on bringing up certain things ended up creating an important turning point in my own therapy, so it's hard to condense it into a couple sentences. I never felt forced into details, but when some did float out it was almost like a breath of fresh air, a release of deep tension; then it was easier to return to therapy goal #1: where does that leave me now?. Where do I go from here, knowing the past but not wanting to be marooned there. It's not like there's a clear path ahead, but I felt freer having shed some of the weight bearing me down.