Lashing out at my partner during EF. Desperate for help. (Trigger Warning)

gloomymagpie · September 25, 2017, 09:03:52 PM

I need help with this so badly. I try to do everything I can when an EF comes on... all the steps I can manage... sometimes it keeps it at bay for a while and returns me to normal, but then a little thing can trip me up again and before I know it I am screaming terrible things at the person I love so much. I am so horribly mean. I tell her we are over, done, get out of my face and never see me again. But I don't mean any of it, and she did nothing to deserve any of it. It is based on nothing but my flashback. And when I "come to" I have so much emotional wreckage I have to try to put back together.

I am in trauma therapy right now (CPT). I take a bunch of herbs and vitamins to manage cptsd. 95% of the time I am ok/really good, even. But these episodes threaten to ruin everything.

I love her so much. She is so good to me. I don't want to lose her. I need help so badly.

sanmagic7 · September 26, 2017, 03:51:44 PM

glad you're here, magpie, and a warm welcome to you.

those ef's are the pits. have you talked to your partner about them, what happens during them? could the two of you put a 'safe' plan into place so that she doesn't have to take the brunt of your lashing out, and you can talk about it together afterwards? just some thoughts.

have you talked to your t about this? maybe s/he has some ideas, or could bring your partner in for a session to talk about this. have you discussed any triggers that might be bringing these ef's on?

i don't know if any of this helps, but i do hope that something can be done to lessen these outbursts, or at least steer them toward who they're really meant for. best to you. sending you a hug filled with care for the both of you. c-ptsd is not usually a one-person commodity - it often takes others, those closest to us, along. thanks for reaching out. that already says a lot of good about you in your relationship.

Kizzie · September 26, 2017, 04:59:06 PM

Welcome Magpie. I think you have hit on what is needed right now, that being some help so that you can learn to manage your anger and not direct it at your partner, and for some relief from what sounds like some intense EFs.

San had some very good ideas for that including working with your T to develop a safe plan and perhaps arranging to have some couple sessions. Helping to ensure your partner is safe and working together on a plan for that will undoubtedly help you to feel you do have some control over the trauma that is overwhelming you right now. Please take care of you and your partner by asking for some professional help to work through this.

gloomymagpie · September 26, 2017, 08:17:00 PM

Quote from: sanmagic7 on September 26, 2017, 03:51:44 PM
glad you're here, magpie, and a warm welcome to you.

those ef's are the pits. have you talked to your partner about them, what happens during them? could the two of you put a 'safe' plan into place so that she doesn't have to take the brunt of your lashing out, and you can talk about it together afterwards? just some thoughts.

have you talked to your t about this? maybe s/he has some ideas, or could bring your partner in for a session to talk about this. have you discussed any triggers that might be bringing these ef's on?

i don't know if any of this helps, but i do hope that something can be done to lessen these outbursts, or at least steer them toward who they're really meant for. best to you. sending you a hug filled with care for the both of you. c-ptsd is not usually a one-person commodity - it often takes others, those closest to us, along. thanks for reaching out. that already says a lot of good about you in your relationship.

thank you. we have a safe plan and sometimes it works ok, but sometimes I get really triggered when she needs to take space away from me because I get so scared of being alone with what I'm feeling. I want to respect her need for space but in the moment of the flashback I get so scared and the fear turns into outbursts.

gloomymagpie · September 26, 2017, 08:18:44 PM

Quote from: Kizzie on September 26, 2017, 04:59:06 PM
Welcome Magpie. I think you have hit on what is needed right now, that being some help so that you can learn to manage your anger and not direct it at your partner, and for some relief from what sounds like some intense EFs.

San had some very good ideas for that including working with your T to develop a safe plan and perhaps arranging to have some couple sessions. Helping to ensure your partner is safe and working together on a plan for that will undoubtedly help you to feel you do have some control over the trauma that is overwhelming you right now. Please take care of you and your partner by asking for some professional help to work through this.

thank you. I've told my therapist about this and we are going to try to explore what the "stuck points" are that are coming up for me during episodes like this. I'm in a very regimented hospital (outpatient) program that follows a script, so I don't think there is room to have a couples session. but I can ask. I think the treatment is helping me in my day to day life but I'm still having trouble with the more severe flashbacks.

sanmagic7 · September 27, 2017, 04:30:43 PM

just a thought - the thought that came to my mind is that it's your inner child who is afraid because of some similar experience(s) in the past. that child couldn't get angry at the time so is doing it now instead when feeling safer to let it out. what do you need to tell your little you when you have that fear? can you reassure yourself from an adult standpoint that you will be ok? maybe you won't be perfect, maybe you'll be messy, but bottom line is you will be ok.

the problem is that the anger is being released at the wrong person. that's where the adult you comes in. maybe with your t you can identify who the anger really belongs to, and find ways to let it out more appropriately.

don't know if this makes sense for you. just thought i'd put it out there. best to you with this. sending a hug filled with courage and compassion for all of you.

gloomymagpie · September 27, 2017, 05:03:16 PM

Quote from: sanmagic7 on September 27, 2017, 04:30:43 PM
just a thought - the thought that came to my mind is that it's your inner child who is afraid because of some similar experience(s) in the past. that child couldn't get angry at the time so is doing it now instead when feeling safer to let it out. what do you need to tell your little you when you have that fear? can you reassure yourself from an adult standpoint that you will be ok? maybe you won't be perfect, maybe you'll be messy, but bottom line is you will be ok.

this actually makes a lot of sense! I will try this next time.

Kizzie · September 27, 2017, 06:07:20 PM

Quote from: gloomymagpie on September 26, 2017, 08:18:44 PM
Quote from: Kizzie on September 26, 2017, 04:59:06 PM
Welcome Magpie. I think you have hit on what is needed right now, that being some help so that you can learn to manage your anger and not direct it at your partner, and for some relief from what sounds like some intense EFs.

San had some very good ideas for that including working with your T to develop a safe plan and perhaps arranging to have some couple sessions. Helping to ensure your partner is safe and working together on a plan for that will undoubtedly help you to feel you do have some control over the trauma that is overwhelming you right now. Please take care of you and your partner by asking for some professional help to work through this.

thank you. I've told my therapist about this and we are going to try to explore what the "stuck points" are that are coming up for me during episodes like this. I'm in a very regimented hospital (outpatient) program that follows a script, so I don't think there is room to have a couples session. but I can ask. I think the treatment is helping me in my day to day life but I'm still having trouble with the more severe flashbacks.

and