explaining C-PTSD to people using a joke

[JamesG]

Was explaining c-ptsd the other day and realised I was basically creating a joke. Here goes:

I was driving up route 72 a few years back when this passing UFO dropped a bull it had beamed up for use on alien experiments and it landed dead centre of the road directly in front of me. I slammed on the brakes. I got out to see what had happened, but the bull, who was really annoyed, obviously, woke up and mistook by grey overalls for and alien and charged at me. Fearing for my life, I dashed towards a fence and went to jump over but in my haste, I hadn't noticed that it was electrified and the charge, which had been set too high by an idiot on his first day's work, shot me up into the air before I came back down in a field of alpacas. I landed on the back of one and it shot off at high speed towards a lumber yard and I was nearly sliced in two by a saw, but the alpacha veered left at the last second throwing me into a tub of creosote. It took me two days to get home by which time my wife had left me for a travelling banjo player called Dennis Patwad, with whom she shared a star sign and a rare blood group. I'd also lost my job due to a freak electrical fire in a water cooler, the house had been burgled by the aliens I'd mentioned earlier and I had missed a letter calling me for jury service.

And that's why I never take route 72.

Ok, it's not hilarious, but my point is this: the chances of all that happening every time this guy takes route 72 are very slight, well... impossible, and yet he draws the conclusion that it's the road that made it happen. C-PTSD is like that, we have these experiences that are out of the ordinary and yet our brains cannot help but extend the vigilance to keep us alert in case every road is route 72. Hypervigilance it's called, for obvious reasons. We wonder endlessly whether it would all have been so different if we'd taken route 71, or we'd left an hour later or a day earlier. What if we'd stayed in the car? The brain wants to make use of experiences to help us avoid bad water holes, other tribes, lions, simple stuff our ancestors needed to know as a matter of survival, but with these big modern life issues, especially involving the pain and injury caused by people we should be able to trust, the message is mangled and the mind tries to learn the unlearnable. In my story, a big moment of unpredictable madness happened when the executor for my mum's estate was run over by his own car causing all the defences against my brother to collapse. Totally off the wall event but it caused huge trauma because I knew what was coming next ... and I was right. My instinct then is to look for incoming threats of a similar kind, which is absurd, I mean how often do legal people get run over by their own cars? However, I was so on the back foot by this time , that I almost began to warn tne real estate people and the solicitors to check their cars were in neutral. That's C-PTSD for me, right there, you are programmed by hideous events to expect more of the same, wherever you go, whatever you do and with whoever you meet. Why not? That's what life has taught you, right? Fighting this is hard, very hard. Your mind is as right as it is wrong. Yes, something bad happened on route 72, and yes, its good to keep your eyes open, but come on, it's like winning the lottery twice with the date of birth of your five legged kitten, it could happen.... I mean, it could. But it won't.

It's frightening, but me and my brain are going to drive up and down route 72 all day today.

[Three Roses]

 

Actually, it IS hilarious. I really did laugh out loud, hard. Thanks for the good laugh, James (i'll go finish reading it now heh heh, only got as far as the joke)

[Blueberry]

  Though it seems it's easy to make me laugh this evening. This is the third time I'm posting or pmming to say "you're making me laugh." 

I did get a bit further than 3Roses in reading, but not all the way.

James, would it be possible for you to split your text up more? I mean in general in your posts. Those dreaded paragraph breaks. Yikes. Only if you can. If you're triggered or annoyed by my question, then ignore. Oh, no! If you're triggered, it's too late, but since you're spending the day on Route 72, well, being triggered by me could potentially help you stay there. 

[Blueberry]

We wonder endlessly whether it would all have been so different if we'd taken route 71, or we'd left an hour later or a day earlier. What if we'd stayed in the car?

On a more serious note, this is sticking with me now because since I started therapy and went to 12-step groups and all that, I've become particularly prone to analysing my interactions with other people in order to take the blame. If only I had said x plus 1, 2, 3 instead of just x plus 1 and 2. Used a different word. Remembered to point out xy or thought of zq in time... (These are my route 71s and hour laters, day earliers etc)

Before I started my massive therapy / self- improvement quest, I was more prone to the FOO narrative: "Who me?" The cause of this debacle? No way. It's his/her/their fault. "   
I don't go to 12 step groups any more and the trauma therapy I'm in is not so much into pointing out my failings all over the place, so I'm getting better at not wondering where I went wrong in a discussion or argument.

But as the permanent FOO scapegoat, it's probably pretty deeply ingrained that it is my fault, whatever it is. Because that's the way it was - and for the most part still is - in FOO. I obviously managed to blame people outside FOO for what might very well have been my deal (fleas, fleas, fleas). It's good to note I was able to change that. But it's as if I then swung completely the other way. (Like going from anorexic to compulsive over-eater.)

Emotional abuse, and something I long ago entitled 'intellectual abuse' was so rampant in FOO, not to mention the emphasis put on logical thinking and intellectual/academic intelligence only, it's no surprise I end up wondering so much about choice of words etc. It probably sounds really weird to react to something like that. Checking cars are out of gear or that there isn't a herd of wild and dangerous animals in your path sounds a bit more 'normal'.

[LittleBird]

I liked this. I'm glad you managed to see a kinda funny side to it all (although I hope the executor is on the mend?!). Seems helpful after an exhausting series of events.

I find it problematic to explain the depths of what I'm going through. Usually takes too long + Don't see it fitting into a room inhabited with good company... Not quite as skilled at being funny about it either. Sometimes I'll end up going over things and be left with a "what were the odds?!" but with a "superstitious" filter over possible future events.

Your process seems very positive. I'll try and write mine, haha.

[woodsgnome]

Route 72 is much like walking a labyrinth. If you've ever walked one, unlike a maze it doesn't come to an abrupt end that traps you in, but has a lot of unlikely switchbacks, twists and turns in its circular route to the center point (which can represent god, or happiness, or with regards to cptsd...recovery, wholeness, etc.).

Even reaching the center is problematic, as then you have the same sort of difficulty getting back out; and you don't just reverse your route in. Soon, unsurprisingly, one wants to give up as the central point seems illusory too, as if you'll never make it there. But, unlike a maze, there is a way, if you just keep moving along. Eventually it helps not to think of it.
[back in April I posted about a beautiful labyrinth located near me. If any newbies are curious, it can be found at:

http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=6058.msg38903#msg38903

People tell me I have a weird sense of humour anyway, which maybe speaks to the real but cruelest joke--that all this stuff that happens in cptsd doesn't make much sense, because the original abuse didn't make any sense at all. Trying to concoct logic out of such an illogical journey is perilous and exhausting. Then there's the shoulding game (I should have, if only, you should have...), which is great for inducing guilt. One self-help writer insists on talking about what she calls woundology, yet another means by which to blame the victim.

For instance, I'm told I need to unquestionably forgive, and understand, those who injured me in so many ways. Yes, I suppose forgiveness is possible, but understanding also doesn't make any sense when what they did couldn't be explained or justified then, and isn't now. I can accept what happened, and barring time travel, kind of have to. Yet to fully forgive I'm not sure of, or whether it's even important or healthy. It's not the common answer offered by psychologists and the like.

Often it takes creative approaches like your tale, JamesG.--to bust through the senselessness. Thinking outside-the-box, as it were, often is really the only alternative to sinking into more anger, grief, and the rest. Lord knows we see enough of that side already.

Thanks.

[AphoticAtramentous]

Thanks for sharing this James. Gave me a good giggle. And it'll be something to certainly remember. "Route 72"
It's something I need to remind myself. There are things I need to do that I've done before, drive on Route 72, that caused so much hurt and trauma. But I need to reassure myself that it's basically impossible for the same bad things to happen again because well; there'll be different people driving on the highway, I'm an adult now probably driving in a different car, different time, different circumstance, all these kind of factors. One day I'll need to go back on Route 72 and face these fears. I don't know when but one day...

Thanks for giving me a little more hope, James. ^^ I really do appreciate it.

[JamesG]

Hi all, nice to see that humor is useful in this context. I'll do more of it, it's good for me and I think it's good to share. The labyrinth metaphor is interesting in that it reminded me of a joke from Iceland, I was there a few years back, amazing place. Due to the extreme weather the trees are very small, dwarf oaks. "What do you do if you get lost in an Icelandic Forest?"

"You stand up."

This is relevant because we are struggling to find our way through the tangle of our own experience when all we have to do is stand up. We are trying to solve a jigsaw puzzle that is three puzzles in the same box, each with pieces missing. Learning to stand up and just walk off is the answer, tough, but it's the only way.

Regarding dealing with difficult people, I had the experince with my brother of finally facing him down for 5 straight hours and it was actually suprisingly easy. The answer is simpy to stick to a polite, reasonable repetition of decent behaviour and let them come at you with all guns blazing. They need you to return volleys so they can keep you busy as they put the boot in, but if you stand firm and calm they will batter themselves sensless trying to bait you into something they can spin. I did this with my brother and eventually he burst into tears, pathetic frankly. Why I'd ever been scared of him I can't imagine, he was a child. Where that went wrong after that was his hold over my sick and co-dependant mother, that I couldnt stop. A narc sure does love a hostage.

One very simple tactic with difficult people is just to ask them to repeat the missive that has just been slung at you as if you genuinly didnt hear it. I find that really thows them off balance. They like to dash in, drop their bombs and leave you to react but a simple question, especially in company, can really fry their battle tactics. It's odd tho, for me it's much harder the moment there is something at stake. When it's not I'm fine. One night I took a banker to pieces at the local pub because he was belittling "the little people". I was very calm, but my language was choice and he gave me a very wide berth after that. So much easier in defence of others of course.

[Traveller]

Thank you for the humor. I get so tired sometimes of being serious about C-PTSD. Sometimes I just want to say something funny to someone about a symptom or something "weird" that I know I do or think, but most of the people I know wouldn't get it.

[barbidoll]

This made me think of my avoidance of phone calls.  I actually avoid them as much as I can and only take them when necessary.  I have even got so bad where the thought of calling a kid absent into school brings on anxiety that I am going to be seen as a bad parent.   So usually I try to notify the school in person. 

[Blueberry]

Regarding dealing with difficult people, I had the experince with my brother of finally facing him down for 5 straight hours and it was actually suprisingly easy.

Bravo James 
Unfortunately I can't see that working for me as I'd end up in a major EF loooooong before 5 hours were up, if I were facing anybody in FOO. Think major dissociation.

on the Icelandic forest joke.

[JamesG]

aye, it was quite a night. Some classic lines...

B: "You need me to tell you what's wrong with you."

Me: "I don't think you realise, I don't care what you think.'

B. "But you should, YOU SHOULD!" (hysterical at this point)

Me: "Well I don't."

it was mostly along those lines. A lot like a Hitler parody video on youtube. I just stayed outwardly calm and collected and he just bounced off. He tried every single tool in his arsenal, all the classics like, feint praise, threats of social shaming, bringing up past humiliations, implied physical threats, distorted historical accounts, name calling, the lot. I was ready for it all, I knew what was coming and I was ready. He was not, like most narcs they believe it will go their way through sheer force of will. Once he realised I wasn't going to be panicked or intimidated he began to panic, it was like an alien who has just realised their force field is down. The secret weapon was simply not caring. One of the most important evenings of my life. Oh I wish I had it on film, I'd get you all over and we'd have pizza.

[JamesG]

well he has his inheritance now, so for a bit that will distract him. But pretty soon, he'll start getting edgy about how people see him and he'll no doubt launch a campaign. I'm going to block him at every turn. Stuff him, I'm ready. Actually I think he's scared of me now, because he knows I have his weaknesses mapped out and he knows it. He has no power over me, he's run out of hostages. Some evidence he's been tracking me on social media tho, we shall see. It's important I don't care. It's a fork in the road, if I go under, he'll pile it on, if I go up and ignore him, he'll be firing into space.

It's an odd thing about Narcs, but they get more stupid as time goes by. They can't take advice or learn,  because their egos can't bear it. As the years go by, this effect makes them unemployable, certainly did with my brother. He can barely operate a computer beyond trolling liberals or stalking me and his ex wife. In time, they are very easy outwit and their attacks are clumsy and playground in nature.

I understand exactly that shame guilt and fear of having hurt people, used to hit me pretty hard, but now I have a bead on it. The world is strong enough to to take it, even if you did do it, but I'm pretty sure that neither you or I would hurt anyone. Exagerated outrage in the face of our self defence is a classic narc tactic. The reason most people worry so little about these things is that they have not experienced that crap. We have been made to feel as jumpy as possible, so we wouldn't have it in us to kick back. Separating the reality from the swirl of imposed insecurities is vital.