Needing to be Independent Before I'm Independent? Irony?

[tea-the-artist]

hey yall. i recently came back from a hiatus trying to work on moving out and it ended badly within a week and just yesterday and today I realize some irony.

when you're raised by emotionally abusive and neglectful/abandoning parents (who are also old fashioned but that's not always necessary), it's hard to grow up independent. mine have really instilled an abandonment fear that didn't translate into me being self sufficient and it's really frustrating realizing that while i've already made it clear to myself that i need to move out.

i don't really know what to do about it.. i'm almost 25 in 2 months and it's hard to create "independence habits" when this house and everyone here works hard to prevent that. they've proven to me that i can't go to them for support... but they've also raised me in a way that i can only rely on them. i don't know how to get in the mindset that i just don't need them or WANT to need them anymore when i'm only working part time, savings mostly go to financial contribution. i do hang with friends once a week but that's for a handful of hours and anything more (staying over, staying later than 10/11pm) is grounds for concern and they just say "No, we're concerned for your safety," (which is valid and understandable) but leave it at that with no room for my improvement towards independence.

[Blueberry]

  tea, in some ways this is me too because although I'm miles away from FOO I still get some financial support and it feels as if I'm only just managing to set limits now. Though really I did start a decade or so ago, but allowed myself to get hoovered back in for a good few years, which rather stopped the limit-setting.

Some previous health-care providers were pretty much into the you're-not-really-acting-like-an-adult-it's-time-you-did but that wasn't really very helpful because I tended to berate myself. There is much I do that only an adult can do, that no child can or is permitted to do at least in a first world country, where we both are (I presume).

I'm lucky in that I have had financial support in the past, including a few years younger than you that allowed me to get the **** out and move to study far, far away, become financially independent for a good number of years, and never go back to living with FOO. I quite often have nightmares about being back and not being able to get a job or find somewhere to rent because I don't have any money, obviously, since I don't have a job in the nightmare.

I don't have an answer for you, but I hear you and sympathise. 

[Piou]

I totally understand what you're saying.

I have the same issue in that I don't have the confidence (due to the abuse) nor the support of anyone of outside of my family. Nowadays, it's not that bad, I only live with my mom who, for the most part, is not abusive, and some siblings but I still wish I could move out.

I guess the fact that I'm so scared of other people, always think they are somehow out to get me, my non-existent social skills, and that I can barely manage to get out of the house without being paranoid makes it all the more difficult.

[tea-the-artist]

Blueberry - thanks for the perspective. no need for answers

There is much I do that only an adult can do, that no child can or is permitted to do at least in a first world country, where we both are (I presume).

I think that's a really great way to look at things though. I don't think I ever really thought about it like that. I had learned that being an adult now meant that I'm bigger now, and just that I'm not the child my parents hurt. But there are things I can do.

I think part of my issue maybe that I'm struggling with being dependent and knowing who's healthy to depend on and who isn't. I know logically, my friends have offered for me to move in since 2015 and that they've assured me it will be there as long as I need it. But my parents are who I'm depending on right now, and it's definitely not healthy. My friends are though. I know that. Perhaps I need to learn how to turn the tables and make some shift so I can feel ok about being dependent on them until I get on my feet.

Piou - that can totally make things harder to get going. trying to cultivate confidence to be the backbone of your future independence is so crucial i feel. even just the confidence that one day you'll move out so you can consistently put away savings or pack an emergency bag is hard. I believe in you though  you'll get there! and so will I, and others who are fighting to get there too!